madmert9: withdrawal or damage?

[madmert9]

I started using Lustral 50 mg & Abilify 5 mg when it was 2012.I stopped taking my medicines for many times and I have never had any withdrawal effects on my body.But when it was 2016 Summer, after I stopped using them again (I didn't even know what tapering was in that time) I got a mania attack.It was like after 3-4 months of stopping my medicines cold turkey.After my first mania attack, my doctor thought that it was bipolar disorder and he wanted me to use Depakine.I refused using that medicine and i continued using Abilify + Lustral at same dosages.But when it was 2017 Summer, I did the same thing as I did when it was 2016 and I got a mania attack one more time.It was much more bad than the first one and I was feeling so anxious and even if I was feeling like there was no problem, I had to continue using my medicines because of my massive anxiety.My dose was always the same.I refused getting higher all the time.I was feeling like it was okay to stop using them abruptly because of the doses of my medicines.But I was completely wrong.  After my second mania attack, my doctor asked me to use Depakine one more time because of my second attack.I guess he thought me that I was bipolar but I didn't have any mania history before I started using these medicines.

 

Anyways, when it was 2018 January, after I used them for a while again, I stopped them abruptly one more time and I got withdrawal symptoms for the first time and I didn't even know it was withdrawal.I tried to go on like this for 2 months but I was feeling dizzy.I had to do something and that's why I decided to go to another psychiatrist.I tried to explain the thing I was suffering from but she couldn't understand what I was trying to say.She thought that I was anxious and depressed and she gave me Wellbutrin + Abilify 5 mg.I can't remember dose of Wellbutrin but I guess it was the lowest dose.After Wellbutrin made me angry and furious, she decided to change it to Prozac and I started to use Prozac + Abilify. It has been for 2 months like this and I started to have some jerky movements in my fingers and arms and I realized that there was a problem with my vision.(like blurred vision) I have high myopia and I've been using contact lenses for years maybe it was about it I don't know but my dizziness and light-headedness were gone.I can see now that it was about withdrawal and after she put me on these medicines I was feeling better even if these minor problems.But after 2 months I started to feel uncomfortable again and I stopped my medicines abruptly one more time.

 

Unfortunately, I started to get the withdrawal effects again but I decided to continue like this even if I was suffering.(It was the biggest mistake which I made.  ). There was no one who understood what was happening to me and I couldn't understand too.When I realized it was about withdrawal it was too late. I stopped using them when it was July 2018 and now it's April 2020.I couldn't get healed at all.I don't have anxiety or bipolar problems but I have problems with my muscles and my coordination.Jerky movements on my fingers are still on and got worse.My vision got worse too and they got worse gradually.

 

I started to lose my hope about my healing process.What do you think about it? Is there a chance for me to get healed or is it a brain damage which is serious to get rid off?

 

Your opinions are so important for me please let me know what you think about my situation.

 

Thanks.

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, madmert9.

 

Let me start with some good news: what you are experiencing is not brain damage and it is not permanent.  It is withdrawal from psychiatric drugs. Withdrawal is temporary, and you will heal.  Unfortunately, we can't tell you how long it will take.   What you're experiencing now is post-acute withdrawal syndrome (paws), which is withdrawal that follows the initial acute phase of withdrawal. The symptoms you describe in your post are typical and common in withdrawal. Here is some information that will be helpful in understanding what you're going through.

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal ...

What is withdrawal syndrome.

Glenmullen’s withdrawal symptom list.

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

When we take psychiatric medications, the CNS (central nervous system) responds by making changes over the months and years we take the drug(s). When the medication is discontinued, the CNS has to undo all the changes it made. Rebuilding the neurotransmitter production and reactivating the receptor and transporter cells takes time -- during that rebuilding process symptoms occur.  

 

This explains the healing process very well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[madmert9]

19th of August and everything is getting worse with my health.There is a significant change between when i stopped taking them and now.

 

My vision got blurred much more than i stopped and my movements are getting slower.I also feel like my head is empty i feel like my cognitive abilities are getting faded.

I CT'ed 20 mg Prozac and 5 mg Abilify and after that day everything is getting worse.Even if my life is getting better my health is getting worse and it makes me sick.

 

I don't know what to do.. I thought about reinstating but it's too late for me and when i used them for a month I couldn't see any difference. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm asking for help desperately

[Hanna72]

Hi @madmert9

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are experiencing withdrawal symptoms. 

Healing takes patience and time. Unfortunately every healing time is different, but know that our bodies have the capability to heal itself.

 

 

 

It would help us out to see your drug history if you would be so kind to fill it out.

 Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by Hanna72

[Gridley]

@madmert9

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. As Hanna72 said, this is withdrawal.  You will get better.  Time is the cure.  It take a while to heal but you will heal.  This link has a good illustration of the healing process.

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

Have you tried the magnesium and omegas that I suggested in my first post to you?  Many members find them helpful.

 

 

[ChessieCat]

You might find this topic helpful:
 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

[madmert9]

Thanks for your answers.I want to make my situation much more clear.I had a manic attack after I stopped Sertraline (50 mg) + Aripiprazole (5 mg) and that's why my doctor wanted me to continue taking my medications.But I didn't feel comfortable while I was on them.I was fed up with them and that's why I simply wanted to stop taking them but I didn't know anything about withdrawal process.After I stopped taking them I felt so bizarre and I didn't even know it was withdrawal.After two months I took Wellbutrin + Abilify and my problems were gone.But after I used them for 3-4 months some kind of new symptoms occured and I didn't want to continue again.And after I stopped taking them one more time, I felt much more bizarre and now it's been 2 years and everything is getting worse.

 

I'm taking omega 3 oil capsules for a while but it doesn't seem helping.It looks like after I started Wellbutrin + Abilify I got the second chance for saving my health but I was still unaware of the truth about withdrawal and that's why I made the same mistake for the second time

 

You're talking about magnesium and I don't know if it works in my situation.My problems are related to movement like I have a balance issue, vision problem which is related to focusing, and I have some jerks on my thumbs when I use my smartphone.

 

I guess I need to get my blood checked before I take magnesium. I'm still feeling helpless and I feel like I have already lost my future just because of making a big mistake.I'm feeling so regretful.

[madmert9]

I updated my signature.I hope there's someone who can help me

[composter]

Hi there! Unfortunately something like PAWS can be a long and drawn out process. It does help to read the Success Stories on here and know that people do heal over time. 
 

I see you are saying that your symptoms have worsened in the last two years since your final CT. 

 

Let’s do a little detective work to see here:

1. Do you experience the windows and waves we describe here on SA? Periods of improvement followed by slumps of bad symptoms?

 

2. Are you currently taking any other medication or did you introduce anything not mentioned in your signature since 2018? This would include things like medical marijuana, alcohol, etc. 
 

3. What is your current self-care and support system setup? Do you go to therapy or physical therapy? Have you tried acupuncture for some of the nerve issues? Please describe your support system and the things you do to support your health. 

[madmert9]

@composter Thanks for your help.

 

I don't know anything about windows and waves.But I can say that even if it happens so rarely, I feel like my balance problem is improved.Maybe it's just psychological or maybe I just want to feel that way.As I said it just happens rarely. When I wake up I always feel regretful because of all of the CT'es which I did and it makes me feel tired.My vision problem got worse day by day and I'm left with a bad vision.I have myopia and eye dryness too.I also have light sensitivity.I can't be sure about it if it's about my brain or my eyes.I mean my symptoms are not getting worse but they're not getting better too.

 

I'm not using anything now.I don't take alcohol or tobacco.I'm not on any other medications.I haven't used anything after 2018.

 

I haven't tried acupuncture or any other things.I don't do anything for now.I just tried to start taking these medications 2 times after 2018 but they didn't last more than a month.After I read lots of things about psychiatry I couldn't accept the truth that I was just poisoning myself and I couldn't get any benefits by using them for a month. I CT'ed them after a month but I didn't face any problems.

 

I feel like I'm left injured and lost.I made the same mistakes for several times and now I'm hopeless. I was always told that I was using low doses of these medications and It made me think like I was free to stop taking them whenever I wanted.I literally don't know what I should do now.

 

If I used just Sertraline, it would be possible for me to get healed after CT'ed but I CT'ed two different medications and this is making harder the process for me I guess

[ChessieCat]

59 minutes ago, madmert9 said:

I haven't tried acupuncture

 

If you do decide to try acupuncture you need to make sure that it is calming not stimulating or detoxing:

 

Acupuncture - Posts #6 & #8 (not detox or stimulation)

 

1 hour ago, madmert9 said:

I don't know anything about windows and waves.But I can say that even if it happens so rarely, I feel like my balance problem is improved.Maybe it's just psychological or maybe I just want to feel that way.

 

It's a good idea to keep symptom notes on paper.  Keeping a log of your symptoms and rating them can help you see progress that you might not feel.  It helps to be more objective rather than subjective.  That is, looking at facts rather than feelings.  When we feel awful we don't always notice that one thing may have improved a tiny bit, we just feel awful.

[madmert9]

@ChessieCat Thanks for your reply.As I mentioned, my symptoms are physical and they're affecting my psychology badly.I feel like my movements are getting slower and my mind is also getting slower gradually.It's like feeling nothing.I became numb after so much anxiety, ruminative thoughts and worries.I'm so much regretful because of doing CT but at the same time I'm so angry with my doctor.I was never warned about something called "withdrawal".

 

It may be a good idea to log my symptoms even if they're stable now.I have seen some success stories here but I couldn't see any stories like mine.

 

It's like a hell for people who just stopped taking antidepressants.I stopped an antidepressant and an antipsychotic and both of them were CT and I stopped taking them at the same time.

 

When I think about all of them I feel lost and hopeless.It looks like my road is much more harder than others' . I don't have any anxiety issues or something like this.I feel like I have some permanent physical issues and I'm trapped and doomed until I die

[madmert9]

I want to use this topic as my diary even if nobody gives a **** i'm gonna write my feelings here.

 

I made the same mistake for 4 times.The first CT made me manic, the second one made me manic and psychotic.I was so stupid for thinking that being manic was great for me.

When I got manic second time after CT'ed both of my meds one more time, I lived the best days of my life.Everything was great it was like i was projecting the light of energy and love.I was feeling extremely strong and joyful.While I was feeling like this, the truth was completely different.It was like an illusion and one more time I got manic and psychotic.

 

I had to continue using my meds because I failed one more time.I had to blame myself because I was the one who was doing all of the things or maybe it was just all about meds.But I was already feeling lost and confused.When I CT'ed for the third time,I was punched with an acute withdrawal but I still didn't know what the problem was.I realized that I was addicted or depended these meds and It made me feel much more weaker.I tried to stand this for 2 months but I was going to school, I had exams which I had to pass.If I could be much more confident about myself and I could realize the truth everything would be better for me now.But I lost that chance too by going to another psychiatrist.I didn't know It was my last chance before completely getting broken.

 

I have a balance problem I'm not sure if it's related to my muscles.I have a vision problem but again I'm not sure if it's because of my severe myopia and eye dryness or  my brain.

 

I'm waking up with this torture every day.I'm living my life with these problems.I don't wanna use any other medications anymore.I'm completely lost and there is no one who can help me now.

 

I'm trapped in my mind and body.I have some responsibilities which I have to care.I have to prove people that I'm dealing with an extreme problem.But of course they don't understand me.

 

I'm thinking about going to a neurologist.Maybe I can get the chance to prove that I literally have a serious problem with my brain.

[madmert9]

I got my brain scanned on MRI today.It was a good experience for me there was so much noise in machine but I didn't find it scary.I just waited for it to end without doing anything.

 

I hope I don't have any damage in my brain.After 2 years I'm still struggling with some physical problems and they didn't fade away.That's why I think there is something wrong with my brain and when I see that there is a damage it will be so bad for me

 

Wish me luck.

[madmert9]

I've got my brain scanned and there is nothing wrong with my brain.But I'm sure that it doesn't mean anything.I'm curious if there is someone who did the same thing.

[ChessieCat]

Other members have had brain scans and nothing has been found.

 

Discussion about scans here:

 

brain-scans-fmri-qeeg-pet-or-spect-for-psychiatric-problems

 

[ChessieCat]

  Please update your drug signature.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

14 minutes ago, madmert9 said:

Thanks for your replies about my condition.I've been using Zoloft 50 mg + Abilify 2.5 mg for 2 weeks.It's impossible for me to deal with CT and all of the suffering.I'm gonna use this combination for a while (maximum 3 months) and gonna wait for a miracle.It's so hard to use them when I'm completely against these drugs.But I lost my hope and I don't wanna wait anymore without doing anything.

 

Tips for tapering off sertraline (Zoloft)

 

Tips for tapering off aripiprazole (Abilify)

[madmert9]

I've updated my signature thanks.

[ChessieCat]

Please add the date, not just the month.  Thank you.

[ChessieCat]

Because SA is a site for reducing/getting off psychiatric drugs we are not able to assist you with your new drugs.  Please refer to your doctor regarding this.

 

I've provided the links above to the tapering topics for the 2 drugs.  If in the future you decide to taper we may be able to assist you with this.

[madmert9]

It's getting harder for me to survive.I had an exam 2 days ago and I couldn't attend.I wasn't able to follow the schedule because of my problems.I feel completely lost and feel physically sick.I also have mental issues.I have always brain fog.

I feel like I survived from an accident and my brain is damaged.I lost the chance of reinstating and when I tried doing it, it was too late for me.It's been 2,5 years now and nothing changed in a good way.The first 1,5 year was a disaster for me and when it was 1,5 year of withdrawal I was completely bad.It's been one more year and everything is the same.I can't even walk on a straight line without losing my balance.Others say that there is no problem with my walking but I know that it's not psychological. I feel the weakness as physical and mental.I always feel like I'm drowsy, I'm not feeling right at all.

 

I don't know know what to do.Time is running out for me.I'm losing all of the things which I have.

 

I had to do something but I don't know what to do.My parents still thinks that these medications will fix my problems.I can standed them for two months and they didn't work at all.

I don't wanna use any medications because I know that all of this mess happened to me because of them.

 

I have never felt this bad and hopeless in my life.I feel like I'm disabled until die. :(

[Colonial]

Please update your signature line with the actual date you began the Sertraline and Aripiprazole.

Since you have been on them for over 2 months you will need to do a slow taper if you wish to discontinue.

If you think they are not helping and or making your worse than you can refer to the suggestion guides below as to how to taper.

 

A suggestion is to keep a written record of what times you take your medications and then what symptoms you experience.

If by doing so you believe one medication is more to blame for negative symptoms you could begin with that particular med first.

Please do not taper more than one medication at a time.

 

Tips for tapering off sertraline (Zoloft)

 

Tips for tapering off aripiprazole (Abilify)

[madmert9]

It's been a year again and I can say that I don't have so much improvements.In total it's been 3.5 years after I cold turkeyed and I still have severe vision problems like I see everything so bright and in a bad shape.I can't focus my eyes to a point.But a few days ago I felt like my walking got better and my balance is better than before even if I'm not completely feeling better. A few days ago I could walk for 14 kilometers non stop and I see it as a success.But as I said my problem with vision is still there and it makes me feel uncomfortable.I'm still obsessed and regretful about not reinstating my drug.I always feel like after I cold turkeyed, if I used Abilify 2.5 mg maybe just for 2 weeks, the damage which I'm dealing with now couldn't get worse like this.That's why I'm feeling regretful and sad.But my cognitive functions are getting better too.I was feeling completely bad after 1.5 years cognitively but my mind is more clear now.My English speaking skills were worse than before, at least I was feeling like this, but now I'm feeling like I can speak in English fluently again (English is not my native language.)

 

If my vision gets better at least a little bit, I guess I will be able to be hopeful for my future. I wish I could find this website earlier, maybe everything would be so much different but I couldn't do better than this.

[ChessieCat]

28 minutes ago, madmert9 said:

But a few days ago I felt like my walking got better and my balance is better than before even if I'm not completely feeling better. A few days ago I could walk for 14 kilometers non stop and I see it as a success.

 

29 minutes ago, madmert9 said:

But my cognitive functions are getting better too.I was feeling completely bad after 1.5 years cognitively but my mind is more clear now.My English speaking skills were worse than before, at least I was feeling like this, but now I'm feeling like I can speak in English fluently again (English is not my native language.)

 

Thank you for coming back and updating your topic.

 

These are really good improvements.  It means that you are recovering.

 

Hopefully you will start to notice an improvement in your vision soon.

 

Please continue to let us know how you are doing.

[madmert9]

Thank you so much. I'm trying to keep going without losing my hope to heal.