Geminigirl: Hope for Healing

[LexAnger]

My two cents,

 

Faster taper, say take 1.8 mg 5 times see if the cutting provides relief in the next couple days, continue if it works

Prepare switch to a different med at the same time in case the above option doesn't work.

[mattage]

My two cents,

 

Faster taper, say take 1.8 mg 5 times see if the cutting provides relief in the next couple days, continue if it works

Prepare switch to a different med at the same time in case the above option doesn't work.

 

That sounds like a sound plan Lex  

[LexAnger]

Hi Matt,

 

Nice meeting you:)

So I read your thread just now. Ian so sorry your slow taper didn't provide smooth post taper recovery. It's very heartbreaking. But I'm glad you found something works for you and you are doing better now!

 

Take care and best luck,

Lex

[geminigirl]

Hi guys.

 

I have taken notes today on what was happening to me all today so I know this stuff for future reference.

 

My question for today if someone can answer: I am Hypersensitive to the drug itself now.

 

 

Prolly cuz my CNS is destabilized/getting back to normal, it is reacting to drug itself in weird ways. It's hard to swallow those damn pills when they make me feel like **** as I take them. Before I didn't have this issue. They didn't give me much trouble but I think now that CNS sensitive, it feels horrible taking them, like I feel real sick after.

 

I know I should keep taking them though until CNS heals.

 

Has there been anybody that has just dropped to a much lower dose like 2 mg when the drug made them feel in, in withdrawal and were ok? Or did they suffer further CNS destabilization months later?

 

I just don't want to mess myself even more.

 

I know ever day my brain is healing. BUT, it is also like rejecting actual drug too. Like I think my body now recognizes it is poison. I cannot imagine taking 10 mg for another month or so.

 

I am thinking of trying to take 4 mg twice a day and then 2 mg once a day to see if that helps somewhat. I think just having to take the dose 5 times a day makes it feel like a prison sentence.

 

Sigh. Someone help.

[scallywag]

GG: Are you willing to hear some direct feedback?

[geminigirl]

Hey Scally,

 

Please do so. I would love feedback. I am a bit sensitive to words and people now so please be easy on me if it is a harsh feedback or criticism.

 

Thanks,

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Hi guys,

 

I am posting on here a serious message and hopefully somebody can give me some serious advice:

 

I believe I have been in poopout or tolerance withdrawal since SEPT 2014 where the drug no longer was working for me and was just making me cry all the time, go insane, and just have no control over my emotions. I actually think this was happening for several years, each year it got worse, the crying, irrational thinking, delusions, hallucinations, hopelessness, severe depression. With every year it got worse. Then in May 2016, I had severe withdrawal or what I would call a brain change, I got to 15 mg and I think I fell into a kind of coma for a few days. Severe ear ringing, white noise, everything went white. I think this was the point where my body no longer could take the drug.

 

When I went to 10 mg from 15 mg even though I had some withdrawals, I felt 50x better and more human.

 

I believe doing the 10% taper will not be for me as I already had crashed and burned and that's it, the drug just doesn't work as it used to. This is also a good and can be my way out, as I think that my body just doesn't take in the drug like it used to, like it doesn't really have an effect. When I do take my dose for the day, it seems like now 10 mg has become too much.

 

I am going down to 5 mg tomorrow only and no more.

 

If I die, I die, but hey I am listening to my body and it is saying, keep going lower.

 

It's like taking 10 mg is too much and I get nausea, sweating, high blood pressure when I take more than 5 mg a day. I also can't sleep well and get kind of anxious. I believe my brain is now telling me to stop taking so much and just taper down to 5 and then prolly 2 and then 0.

 

Can anybody give me advice on this? I know these are all risks and the unknown is so hard, but I have to trust myself and my body foremost. It has always been hard to trust myself but I have to on this.

 

It's just weird now that the 10 mg is too much. Honestly, the withdrawals are not even that bad to how it was when I was on 20 mg.

 

Why don't I see how I do on 5 mg for a few days, not 10, and then see how I am? Maybe I will even feel better I am already experiencing and have experienced the worst of the withdrawal, I don't see how it can get any worse.

 

Let me know.

 

Hugs,

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

HOLY **** GUYS I JUST REALIZED.

 

I THINK I WAS IN WITHDRAWAL SINCE SEPT 2014. THE DRUG STOPPED WORKING AND I JUST KEPT PUTTING IT INTO MY BODY. IT WOULDNT HAVE MATTERED CUZ MY BRAIN STARTED TO HEAL FROM THE DRUG.

 

SO, I AM GOING TO NOT TAKE IT FOR SEVERAL DAYS, SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

 

WISH ME LUCK.

[geminigirl]

I remember I would get horrific headaches cuz I went back on 20 mg and it was just too too too much.

 

Celexa, I think our relationship is coming to an end.

 

Love,

 

Yana

[nz11]

Since you are asking for thoughts here are some.

 

I believe I have been in poopout or tolerance withdrawal since SEPT 2014 where the drug no longer was working for me and was just making me cry all the time, go insane, and just have no control over my emotions.

 

Do you know what i reckon, i reckon you weren't in poopout or tolerance you were in withdrawal.

 

You started a 5% taper in Aug 15 . I can only assume you were stable when you started that taper.

 

You say May 3 2016- At 14 mg the tapering caught up with me (I was doing it slightly wrong) So you went from 20 mg to 14 in 8 months that actually appears to be wise tapering.  Why do you think you were 'slightly wrong' .

 

Personally i think 13,14 mg can be a difficult hump to get over. I don't know why. although i could hazard a few guesses.

I cant recall hearing of a person splitting the dose in 5 parts during the day. I don't quite understand  the logic behind that.

 

Why don't I see how I do on 5 mg for a few days, not 10, and then see how I am?

 

I'm gonna put my neck on the line here and  finish with a prediction:

if you drop to 5 mg per day you may need to book yourself a room .......at the local hospital.

 

nz11

 

[ChessieCat]

Agree with mammaP.

 

Your brain was pickled in these drugs for years and it changed itself accordingly. Four months isn't long when you look at the context. It sounds to me like you may need more time to heal, and that's not at all unusual. These are slow and imperfect processes. Our brains were remodeled by the drugs and damaged by the withdrawal, and healing and growing a new brain is not something that happens fast. Goodness, even healing a broken bone is slow, and our bodies actually know how to heal broken bones. What these drugs do to us, our bodies have no idea how to fix it, since we've never had the chance in evolution to evolve those mechanisms, since these are a completely new thing.

 

But if you'd like to give it a try and see what happens if you cut, the important thing is take it slow. Make the first cut small, and then no matter how good you feel afterwards, wait a full four weeks. Keep notes daily and rank your symptoms on a scale of 1 to 5. Observe all the ups and downs. Once you're through that four weeks, if all is well, do it again (small cut, keep notes).

 

After a couple of cycles, if you feel like it's all gone really well and you're feeling pretty good and stable, you can increase the amount you cut.

 

Impatience is our worst enemy in this, believe me. I can't tell you how many people I have seen reinstate, have a good response to that, then they get impatient and cut too soon or cut too much or make a second cut too soon, and then a couple of months later they're in hell and begging for help. Unfortunately, every time we pull the rug out from under our nervous systems, it gets harder and harder to get back into balance. Please don't be another one of those people, it breaks my heart every time, and we have no magic way to fix it.

 

It's so much better to take it slow and then ramp up gradually than to get impatient and push it and then crash and burn and have to start all over, especially since once that happens it's never as easy as it was the first time. You're doing well. That's your strength and your gift. Please protect yourself and don't throw away your luck.

 

Hi GG

 

I've just been reading your topic from the start and came across this post from Rhiannon.  I've highlighted a couple of sentences in blue.

 

CC

[geminigirl]

Hi,

 

Thank you for the replies and advice.

 

The thing is I know my body is not reacting well to the celexa, I literally cannot ingest anymore. It's making me sick, like a toxic reaction. What do I do then?

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Hey guys,

 

Should I take celexa today?

 

Isn't it decreasing my healing if I take it?

 

I feel like every day my brain is healing, but if i take celexa it feels like I am poisoning it again.

 

Is that a common feeling.

[geminigirl]

Just took 3 mg.

 

Effects:

 

Feels like shot of something went in, and not good feeling.

 

Hard to write more, weakness, nausea, anxiety increase, paranoia, loss of connection, more dark feeling, less love, plugged nose and throat, harder to breathe, headache, sick inside, subconscious more opened, ears hurt), feeling like wanna just flop over and die, feel like face melting kind of.

 

From a scale of 1-10 it is a 4.

 

Yesterday took 7 mg, was a scale of 4 in terms of drug reaction bad feeling.

 

Is this happening cuz of bad reaction meaning cant take it anymore or because of CNS being sensitizied by withdrawal?

 

Before starting taper in 2014 I never really felt any reaction when I took my celexa dose, now I do.

 

If I did not take celexa for two days though I would get withdrawal already and needed to immediately take it.

 

Now if I don't take a dose for a few days I don't think I will get withdrawal. I want to try the experiment tomorrow to see what happens. don't take it for two days and see what happens. Cuz ya I feel pretty bad now.

[geminigirl]

I feel a lot worse after taking 3 mg.

[geminigirl]

Feel like body being suffocated or something, or someone messing with me inside my body, even teeth and gums hurt.

[geminigirl]

THATS IT. I AM DONE WITH CELEXA. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

 

THIS IS NOT WITHDRAWAL THIS IS THE DAMN SIDE EFFECT OF THE DRUG WHICH MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HELL.

 

I CANT EVEN TAKE 3 MG NOW.

 

NO MORE.

 

NO MORE.

 

MY BODY IS REJECTING IT.

 

PERIOD.

 

CAN ANYBODY PLEASE JUST SUPPORT ME IN GOING OFF. SURELY THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED THE ADVERSE REACTIONS AFTER THEIR BODIES STARTED REJECTING THE DRUG?

 

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP TAKING IT TO REDUCE WITHDRAWAL WHEN MY BODY IS REJECTING IT?

[geminigirl]

ALSO I DO NOT FEEL CUTS EVERY MONTH. I NEVER FELT THE CUTS WHEN I TAPERED 5% EACH MONTH. I JUST KEPT GOING TILL I CRASHED IN MAY. LIKE 8 MONTHS LATER. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

 

OBVIOUSLY MY CASE IS DIFFERENT.

 

TAKING EVEN 3 MG NOW IS LIKE SHOOTING A BUNCH OF ACTIVE POISON IN ME. IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS ARE RECOMMENDING I DO?

 

Sorry for being angry but I dunno what to say. The advice I am getting I feel is not right.

[geminigirl]

Im sorry guys.

 

I am feeling better now.

 

The drug took over me.

 

I dunno what to do now.

 

I dunno how to keep taking this drug. I cant anymore.

 

but how long will I suffer withdrawal and how bad it will be?

 

I feel this dark horrible cloud upon me because of all this....There is no answer.

 

I cant take any other ssris either.

 

I guess I will have to go through the withdrawals that await me.

 

I wish someone could temporarily kill me or put me in a coma till the drug goes away and my brain goes back to normal.

 

Can someone help me?

[geminigirl]

I think I have serotonin syndrome from celexa.

 

I am stopping.

[mattage]

GG I really think you need to see a doctor and tell them what is going on. Ask them what they recommend. This drug is not working for you. 

[ChessieCat]

Hi Geminigirl,

 

I am sorry that you are feeling as badly as you do.  SA members are provided with information, and suggestions are offered of what may work, but each member has to make the decision of what they will do.

 

If you feel that you might harm yourself or others, please contact one of the helplines on this site http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html 
 

[JanCarol]

GG I had to hide some of your all-caps posts.

 

We are a community of sufferers and survivors.  Your words affect others, and burden us with our own helplessness in the face of your distress.  Please refrain from graphic or violent language.

 

Please, also, seek local help, whether by telephone or face-to-face.  We are an internet website, we are anonymous people scattered all over the world.  We are only words on a page - we cannot diagnose, or even approve or disapprove.  You make your own choices.  If you cannot cope on your own, then please, please seek help.  

[Altostrata]

Geminigirl, I agree with JanCarol. I don't think that this online community can help you. If you really want help, you're going to have to get it face-to-face.

 

Please find a psychotherapist immediately.

 

If you don't want to take Celexa, or any drug, that's up to you. We're giving you our best guess about how to go off Celexa with minimal withdrawal symptoms. If you don't wish to take that advice, don't take it. You'll have to cope with whatever happens. We can't take responsibility for your decisions.

[geminigirl]

Hi Alto,

 

I agree for sure that you guys should not take responsibility for me nor do I ask you of this.

 

What I am saying is that my body cannot take the Celexa anymore cuz it gives me a toxic reaction, akathesia, etc.

 

My question all along was if I stop taking it due to bad reaction, how do I deal with the withdrawals, like what to take for the withdrawals if they happen? I read that amino acids might work like 5htp and trypdane or something. And someone else suggested trying different ssri.

 

I'm sorry if I seem out of control and post too much with no logic. I think the whole stress of this combined with my previous anxiety disorder/PTSD makes it hard for me to manage and know how to be present with myself. My first instinct is to ask for help repeatedly. I have always been scared to be there for myself due to childhood trauma. I was in therapy for years but the drug I feel blocked any progress. I now have to deal with being present with myself which is so hard in addition to facing this now drug horror which I often feel I do not have capabilities of dealing with because I have severe PTSD from before.

 

The PTSD is made worse by this whole drug ordeal.

[geminigirl]

When you say Alto this community can't help me that hurts my feelings cuz I feel it has been helping me somewhat. Just people relying to me etc.

 

I just feel I need someone to help explain to me and tell me what the next step is. I know it's not an easy thing.

[marie123]

Hello Geminigirl. I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I see what a hard time you are having with the Celexa. II was tapering my med, Trazodone, and crashed too. I reinstated and for sure this med is doing me no good. As a matter of fact it feels like taking poison, but I keep taking it. You know why, because withdrawal really sucked when I was off it. I get windows finally after 3 months. I was going to rapid taper off too because I had enough! I'm glad I did not. If you asked me yesterday, I might have because I feel crappy again.

 

It's a hard decision I know to stay on a med or not. You know it might be a good idea to speak with a doctor to run things by him or her. Sometimes it helps to relieve some of the stress and you might get some good advice.

 

Marie

[scallywag]

Yana, 

 

Your life and health are too important to put at risk by waiting for replies from an internet forum.

When you are in crisis, you need help immediately.  There is no way that members or moderators of this board can respond to you immediately at any and all times of the day or night.   That is the purpose of emergency services (911) and crisis lines.

 

Between 2:20 am and 2:33 am (Pacific Daylight Time) this morning you posted 11 times each time indicating that your situation was worsening. Most of those posts have been hidden because of the violent or graphic content.  You are risking your health and your life if you count on getting a timely reply here. Do not do this for the sake of others who may come across posts where you express your extreme distress. Most importantly, you harm yourself by waiting for an unknown somebody, somewhere in the world to read your message and to post a helpful or supportive reply.

 

I urge you to seek out local support. I'm guessing you live in the Lower Mainland (that's where the majority of people in BC live). If so, there are many, many local and provincial resources available to you. 

 

Vancouver Mental Health Emergency Services Crisis Line:  604.874.7307 -- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

from their website: Vancouver Coastal Health

Staffed by registered psychiatric nurses and registered nurses who can help callers deal with their urgent situations and provide referral to appropriate resources.

 

 

Fraser Health Crisis Line:   604.951.8855 -- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

from their website: Frasier Health Crisis Line

We provide immediate, free, and confidential emotional support, crisis intervention and community resource information to people of all ages 24 hours a day – everyday.  Together, the caller and volunteer can sort out what might increase the caller’s ability to manage and cope with the situation.

Serving Surrey, Delta, White Rock and Langley

 

 

If you're not in the lower mainland the provincial health line should be able to provide you with names, numbers and websites of resources in or near your location. HealthlinkBC is available at 811.

[Altostrata]

Well, Yana, you decided to quit Celexa for your own reasons. It doesn't seem to me that you've paid much attention to any of my suggestions. This is frustrating.

 

This isn't a site for free-form venting, it's a site to guide people in ways to responsibly go off drugs.

 

You may have made problems for yourself, I can't fix them, none of the mods can fix them, you'll have to fix them yourself. We're not miracle workers.

 

See our Symptoms and Self-care forum  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/forum/8-symptoms-and-self-care/for suggestions about how to cope with symptoms.

 

If you find yourself in crisis, please seek face-to-face help rather than posting panicky messages here.
 

[geminigirl]

I think I need to see a miracle worker than

 

A person with unconditional love and acceptance.

 

Something I always needed and it has nothing to do with any drugs or withdrawal.

 

The best thing anybody can do here for each other is unconditional presence and acceptance.

 

It is more helpful than any advice, vitamin or supplement.

[geminigirl]

I noticed the pattern I am having with withdrawal or whatever it is I am going through.

 

I think since taking the ssris from the beginning I have become more impulsive, less rational though, loss of sex drive and falling in love hormone or whatever, loss of feelings anhedonia or whatever, I also have become increasingly irritable and have increased suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

 

These effects or changes in me did not happen right away but with time.

 

But lo and behold, I feel this is who I am now.

 

I am not taking the meds anymore. I was thinking I may have to take it in the mornings, maybe then I wont get akathesia cuz in the evening I tend to get akathesia. I also think I should go to sleep earlier in the evening, right when i feel tired cuz otherwise i stay up later and my homicidal feelings increase.

 

I think I was emotionally unstable before the drugs and had all these tendencies, ever so slightly, now there is like no filter between thoughts and impulses. So if I get angry its like it goes into rage. If I am happy it goes into mania, if I hope, it becomes a delusion, like it goes to the extreme, whatever feeling or "emotion" I have. Somehow they all feel blunted but at the same time I am more impulsive.

 

Its like that filter, wise mind and self control is gone.

 

I think this is why I want to get off the drugs as fast as possible.

 

What people have been telling me is you cant just go cold turkey from 10 mg, I agree. But I dont think the drug does anything anymore for me. It just permantelly changed me into this non functional, emotionally volatile no boundaries type of person.

 

Thats the worst symptom, is that loss of filter or frontal lobe abilities. I need that back more than anything.

 

The drugs have changed my brain to have this new personality or lack thereof I would say. Why would I need to keep taking the drug? I mean I dont have interdose withdrawal anymore and I get bad reaction to the drug itself.

 

People keep telling me not to go cold turkey like this and I think my brain is probably just not working well due to these drugs to really let this sink in. Like it makes me feel like I know what is best, but what if I am wrong? 

 

I feel like I am trapped within this drug or the faulty neurochemistry it created and I dunno how to get out of it.

 

If I get bad withdrawal can I not reinstate a small dose?

[Shep]

Hi Alto,

 

I agree for sure that you guys should not take responsibility for me nor do I ask you of this.

 

What I am saying is that my body cannot take the Celexa anymore cuz it gives me a toxic reaction, akathesia, etc.

 

My question all along was if I stop taking it due to bad reaction, how do I deal with the withdrawals, like what to take for the withdrawals if they happen? I read that amino acids might work like 5htp and trypdane or something. And someone else suggested trying different ssri.

 

 

 

 

Hi, Yana.

 

5HTP is not advisable, as it may very well cause a severe reaction:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/9933-5-htp-5-hydroxytryptophan-and-l-tryptophan/

 

There really is nothing to take for akathisia, especially if your goal is to get off these drugs.  

 

You just proved that you do have it in you to calm yourself down. Your recent posts are clearer without the "internet scream" of all caps. Thank you for doing this. I'm sure you feel better as you find ways of calming yourself instead of feeding into the akathisia with violent words and images. 

 

Try to keep that calmer mindset, it will serve you well in future episodes of akathisia. In fact, if you can master this "calming", you will be prepared for life off of these drugs.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry if I seem out of control and post too much with no logic. I think the whole stress of this combined with my previous anxiety disorder/PTSD makes it hard for me to manage and know how to be present with myself. My first instinct is to ask for help repeatedly. I have always been scared to be there for myself due to childhood trauma. I was in therapy for years but the drug I feel blocked any progress. I now have to deal with being present with myself which is so hard in addition to facing this now drug horror which I often feel I do not have capabilities of dealing with because I have severe PTSD from before.

 

The PTSD is made worse by this whole drug ordeal. 

 

 

So was mine. Many people on this forum have various forms and iterations of PTSD. We are human and many of us were badly hurt during childhood, and that led to these drugs being prescribed. 

 

There's a book that was recommended to me and I now pass it along to others with PTSD:

 

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

 

It's the best book I've found so far on the subject. The instinct to "ask for help repeatedly" is one of many issues Dr. von der Kolk explores. Definitely worth a read. You're searching for external resources, when the "safe place" you're looking for is actually inside your own mind and heart. You need to find a way of finding it, though. But it's a process, not an easy fix. 

 

 

 

The best thing anybody can do here for each other is unconditional presence and acceptance.

 

It is more helpful than any advice, vitamin or supplement.

 

 

 

I disagree with this. "Unconditional presence and acceptance" gets too easily conflated with unconditional behavior, and that's simply not something that's healthy for you. 

 

You've already proven you can calm yourself down when you try. That's all we ask here. 

 

Keep practicing this type of "calming". By the time you are completely off your drug, you will be a guru at it. This is what we mean by non-drug coping skills. Look at the akathisia as a way of teaching you this and then you take away some of the power from this very scary symptom.

 

 

 

I am currently reading man's search for meaning...Victor Frankl.

 

 

 

Remember what Dr. Frankl said about the power in finding "meaning"? Perhaps the akathisia is there to teach you something. Perhaps it's the symptom you need to target your non-drug coping skills on. 

 

I found the way out of my own drug nightmare by really listening to my worst symptom, dp/dr. It became the "teacher in my soul" that led me into mindfulness, and that was what I needed.

 

Just a thought. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

[geminigirl]

Alto- I am really sorry for being so negligent and what seemed like dismissing your suggestions. I am honestly just so not myself since taking these meds, withdrawal and the up and down nature of my moods without any trigger as well as emotional numbness and apathy.

 

I think all these effects together make me into a very irrational, reckless, apathetic person that can't really relate to normal world or people. I do not see people or their advice as real anymore. Just now though followed by a wave of akathesia and homicidal thoughts, a bit more of my wise mind came back. I am evalutating a lot of what you and everyone said I agree I have to keep taking celexa. I will just take it i think in the afternoon when I do not have akathesia. I think akathesia tends to hit evening time around 2 am.

 

All of this whole experience is so hard because i have become completely withdrawn to people and realness, god or love and just reality really. It's hard for me to come back to reality but i think I now I am understanding more and should not stop celexa cold turkey like this.

 

It just really is all heartbreaking when you realize what has happened to you and how a drug literally did destroy your soul, your relationships and life in a way. The  only thing I feel connected to is my subconsious and that has been hell since it is not based in reality.

 

I also did some more dangerous things the other day like run into a field of horses that I think were wild, I started walking with them and just doing crazy things. My sister later told me they could be dangerous. I am just worried I will do something so irrational because of this drug side effects or withdrawal.

 

The neuroemotions and my subconsious are just so so so captivating and literally suck me in. I believe the anger turned into rage into mania is also neuroemotion.

 

Anyways, my plan is tomorrow to start taking celexa again, 10 mg, prolly split up 3 times during the afternoon. And I will follow the tapering schedule each month.

 

Also i think I do need to go see a counsellor that understands all that I am going through with withdrawal and celexa, as well as a doctor.

 

Its so so hard though because one thing that is in my subconsious is actually distrust of all people so it makes it harder to talk or see anyone now really except online people.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that this is all withdrawal (neuroemotions) or side effects. It is so so so hard though, and feels quite dangerous for me although each day I am getting slightly more rational which is good.

 

I feel like I am already in PAWS though. I am not sure even what I am getting withdrawals from now, is it from the drop from 15 to 10 mg?

 

 

 

 

I also wanted to say that I have noticed that each day is like that movie 50 first dates for me for some reason. I do not have any recollection of what happened yesterday, short term memory loss, so if somebody posts something from a few days ago, I do not really look back and read it. Yesterday does not seem real to me, only the now, the present, but in a very disturbed way.

 

 

I guess the person that is typing this now or the me that is typing now is in a WINDOW? Because I am more rational and calm.

 

And then when i drift off into own world, or get too angry or an emotion takes over me, whichever one it may be that is a wave?

 

I just dont understand why it all happens within one day? 

 

I hope I can come out of this alive.

 

I am still here. I do not want to be like Eric Harris or the other poor souls that could not get out of this prison of madness.

 

 

Thank you and I hope you guys can still be here for me. 

 

At this time, this site really does mean a lot to me.

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Shep,

 

Despite my emotional numbness, i really am thankful you replied back to me and also thank you for your very wise and rational words and feedback.

 

I agree with you a lot on practicing calming strategies as well as not accepting or condoning unconditional behavior.

 

For some reason I get into these thoughts and places in my head where I think it is all or nothing, like everything I do is great or nothing is right and everyone is bad. I had this before as well but now it is of course worse by withdrawal. It is so hard not to do the black and white thinking but I think very helpful to practice not doing this.

 

I just really cannot stress enough though and all you survivors probably know that when you are in a neuroemotion it is the very nature of the neuroemotion that makes it hard to let it go. It almost sucks me in these neuroemotions and subconsious memories and stuff.

 

That is actually what i have been doing for the past 3 years, being completely trapped and sucked in by my subconsious which is horrific. I have no idea why but it keeps wanting to suck me in. 

 

Every wave I get just sucks me in so deep. It's horrible. Once a window comes though it's like I dont even remember being irrational, but it feels horrible cuz like it is hard to cope with life and proceed with life when you get these waves and windows all the time. Like just when you get a window you think its over and then the waves come. The waves are becoming less intense and windows more clearer though. Alto you are right about that

 

This is just so hard to get through because neuroemotions i think are so so so so subtle, they are scary too because they make you go right into your most painful memories. I think Alto said this too  

 

I also just realized today that when you guys told me to not post the disturbing angry messages, it's like I hated all of you thinking you were mean, of course this is again just my subconsious or neuroemotion speaking. 

 

The thing about withdrawal though and this subconsious stuff is that sometimes my subconsious brings out good memories, but the problem I think is when I get lost in them, which is due to the mind opening effect of the drug I think.

 

I feel with this whole thing its like my mind has turned against me and has actually become my worst enemy so I have to trudge ever so gently and carefully. Like I said though it is so hard as this is my own mind playing tricks on me.

 

I would describe this whole eerie experience as something like:

 

Me being stuck in the ocean of my subconsious or neuroemotion or what you guys call it, completely detached from love, humanity and the future,and real loving relationships, and every so often I get a glimpse of the top of the ocean "life," reality, people, caring, all you guys here at SA that have helped me through this the whole time, my therapist Geoff who loved me all these years and helped take me out of suicidal ideaiton, but then once there is a moment of clarity, I am submerged often times in a very sneaky way into the depths of the ocean where I feel like I drowning.

 

I see people from the bottom of the ocean, they look funny and I think they love me and I used to know them, but somehow I am so so so far apart from them that I feel totally lost and empty, I feel so alone and so hopeless often and just so so so SO tired. This all started ever since I started these drugs really.

 

That was in 2010.

 

This whole time I have been submerged in the ocean of my subconsious and within the ocean there are horrible scary waves that carry me to unknown places, and people like scary and everything is strange and I act bizarre, I see Jesus in it, but then he goes away, I see the devil, and then he goes away. Then I get a breath of air at the surface again and I somewhat see real life and real people, but everyone looks hazy still and I am so so confused. 

 

Then I am submerged again into my ocean, a kind of LOCKED IN SYNDROME.

 

I just never knew I would have to go through something like this.....Never,

 

At the end of all this, you start to question who you even are. 

 

I used to be a sweet, loving, rational person with a beautiful mind. I had severe PTSD, I had childhood trauma, but I had a beautiful brain that used to understand everything, facial expressions, love, how to have relationships, how to connect.

 

I feel I have lost all of that and have been reduced into just this kind of hell or surreal world of I dont even know what.

 

I know I am still Yana but i look in the mirror and dont know who I am. I do not remember.

 

I have not been able to feel connected to myself or my face ever since I took celexa in 2010 and I felt my brain kind of shutting down, that was the first thing I noticed. And then, I dissapeared and started my journey into the surreal or into madness.

 

I remember I ran away from my parents house a few weeks later, I declared them evil and then started doing sex work. I just didnt care so I started showing off my body to old men. I became clingy, hostile, mean I would scare people. i am tiny but i would scare people, get angry when somebody didnt cut my hair properly or give me the right food. I was not respectful at all.

 

People kept telling me I was acting strange, withdrawing, but I did not understand.

 

Every day is a new day on my celexa withdrawal journey. I am walking in the dunes of the desert all alone. i think I see some water but its just a mirage. I have walked like this all alone for 6 years. All connections just a tiny fraction of the love I once had for people and the realness and aliveness.

 

I cannot relate to people anymore. I dont understand them or social normals. I am strange. I isolate. I dont have much to say to people other than "I have been on SSRIS for 6 years and they stripped away my sense of self."

 

I believe people have said this before of this whole experience.

 

I also have trouble concentrating, reading, I am trapped in my own my mind constantly and cannot see anything objectively. Only glimpses.

[Shep]

Hi, Yanah.

 

I read through your thread, and I noticed the below post regarding alcohol. Alcohol affects the CNS and can make withdrawing from these drugs much worse.

 

Was this a one time occurrence or is this something ongoing? 

 

 

 

Hey guys.

I made a bad mistake last night. I'm in the process of tapering and I missed a dose last night and also got drunk.

I feel really crappy and the withdrawal feels a lot worse. Sweating, headache, sensitive to bright lights.

I know the worst thing is drinking while doing this but I was having a horrible day.

Do you know when I'll get better?

Thanks

 

[downtongirl]

Hello Geminigirl....so sorry you have not been feeling well.  I am afraid I am in a similar boat as you.  I do not think my prozac bridge to get off of effexor  is working for me.  I like you feel worse after I take the medication and feel better about 12 hours or so after I have taken the medication until I take it again....sort of like this....

 

wake up feeling ok....

take medicine about an hour after getting up

start to feel worse about an hour after taking the prozac

feel pretty bad 4 -8m hours after taking prozac

bad feelings start to lessen about 12 hours after taking the medicine

 

I can not advise you as to what to do but I do feel like my body is over sensitized to the medicine and that a less than therapeutic dosage of 10 mg is too much for my body.

 

You are not alone!

 

I hope you feel better soon.