calithebold: Right at the beginning

[calithebold]

oh wow, I feel so much better this morning after a good six hours sleep. I'm sorry for being a drama queen yesterday. I think my feelings sometimes spill over and I don''t know how to contain them so I just go BLAH! I think I need to think before I hit the 'post' button. So yes, sorry. In my defense I went 21 hours without sleep. Ugh! I know you have all experienced this. I definitely think it was the Pristiq before I took the seroquel that caused the agitation and over the top emotion, except to calm me down, I only got 45 mins sleep anyway, so it was pointless and I think I knew the answer to my question above anyway, that I need to learn to not take extra medication, because in the long run it won't help me. If I need to yell, scream or cry, it's better because although I don't think I'm tolerating it, I am. Pacing is better than the mask that seroquel puts on your emotions.

 

I have a plan. Today I am going to throw out all but one seroquel tablet and cut it in half and throw out the other half, so I only ever have the option of 50mg and taper that 'extra' dose down to nothing over a few weeks, because seriously I am on enough already that should contain me. I don't need extra. It doesn't help me long term and then makes my time here on SA pointless if I'm not dealing with my drugs and using what I learn from all of you to help me on my own journey to decrease slowly and safely. Thank you all, I am so grateful.

[calithebold]

I read somewhere that Pristiq is hard to get off because of just the two doses only. Well that would make some sense as to why I am struggling after being on it for two and a half weeks at 50mg and then taken off that dose cold turkey by my doc and she won't give it back to me to taper. That was 4 March. At first I didn't notice anything and then it started with anxiety and shaking and pacing a feel and a bit later. Grumpy, can't sleep. Argumentative with people too. Then I stupidly took a seroquel to calm it but it's back today but this time I will ride through it. I must,or I'll never be free and I'll never learn. If I ever get offered an AD again I will refuse it.

[JanCarol]

I have to say I agree with your pdoc about the Pristiq.  In some ways.  It's awful that she put you on it, it is so strong.  But you were deep in a dark pit and your methods of coping were not working, and you were splintering and becoming intractable.  You have to admit, the Pristiq brought your head above water again.

 

She CT'd you off of Pristiq because it holds a high, high, (I'll say it again) high risk of OD.  And since you've had a few OD's in your recent history, it is probably safer that she removed you after a short course of 3 weeks, than not.  I'm sure you are suffering withdrawal now - but you are still in a better place than you were before hospital.  Right?

 

Your other meds will soften the withdrawal somewhat.  And hopefully, thankfully, the Pristiq withdrawal will be short lived.

 

Dave has come up with a brilliant analogy for your drug mix and the complex colors of thread in a knitting / weaving.  It will be slow, it will be tedious, but you know - from your knitting and crocheting experience, it takes patience to make a complex piece.  You are actually unweaving a complex piece (your drug cocktail), but if done slowly and carefully, you will be so much happier on a lighter load.

 

Right now, we don't know what that load will look like, but baby steps.  You will struggle (we all do) but you will start to see improvement, and maybe be able to string out and decipher what is "drug symptoms" and what is native to your being.  

[calithebold]

Thanks Jan and yes I know you're right in relation to the pristiq and my history of late. Thanks for hanging in there with me

 

So I have a story that is bothering me. It starts with where I live. The place I live at is a massive 12 story highrise that has over 100 tenants and nearly all have a diagnosis, it's a special building that looks after us carefully. We have a string of people we can talk to, there is three different nurses and other help with welfare and whatnot. It's a very unique project and one that mostly works for the people that live here.

 

Because of my recent history of the two OD's the nurses have been taking a special interest in me. I have my medication put into packs and I just tear of the bit I'm up to for that dose and that's it. I get PRN from the pharmacy that packs my medication 25mg and 100mg tablets of seroquel. I also get PRN doses of valium for pain relief (it's locked in a safe that is in my apartment that only a nurse with the code can access) I don't take it much anyway, it only helps in acute pain as I am allergic to opiates and can't tolerate codeine or ibuprofen or anti-inflammatories.

 

Anyway, yesterday I was called up to see the nurses and they wanted to take my medication packs off of me and get them re-packed as they were taking my 25mg seroquel tablets away and getting them packed as a lunchtime dose. It was the 25mg ones that had got me into trouble with the OD's. So they focused on that, kind of seems counter-intuitive really, wouldn't you think they'd take the 100mg ones away??

 

They wanted the phone number for the hospital pharmacy and the phone number for my pharmacy and spoke to them all while I was sitting in the room feeling set upon. I argued with them the whole time as they kept getting things wrong and it's one thing I know and it's exactly what meds I take, when I take them and what they look like. In the end I had to go but I was really cranky with them. They all wanted to be on the same page apparently. I know I did a stupid thing but please!

 

Then today was worse. I realised I had lost my lunchtime 25mg dose of seroquel. It's little pouch was missing, so I called downstairs and ended up in a mini argument with the social worker, I think she thought I was trying to get more but I had genuinely misplaced it. I had pulled the contents out of my bathroom drawers and my handbag, it was nowhere it would normally be. Then the nurse was here. First she renamed and dated all my packs as they had been packed before I was in hospital. Then she asked me about a half a lithium tablet I found in my drawer and a little pouch of pills that I had missed one day. 

 

She suddenly leaned down and pulled my bin up and then we found my missing pill. I had accidentally thrown it out. It was next that got me really and it was embarrassing. My partner was cooking lunch in the kitchen, right next to the bathroom and the nurse said, those pills, I want you to throw them in the toilet when I'm gone. No actually, do it now so I can see you do it and make sure they are gone. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do but she just stood there waiting. I was so shocked that I just did what she said, not thinking of where these were going in the waterways. Then she left. I had trouble walking into the kitchen, but I did and I just said, "we found it," and took the tablet. I don't know what D was thinking, but my thoughts weren't that great.

 

I have had a shocker today of trying to get sleep, being woken up every time I tried after 45 minutes. Grrr is all I can say and oh, sometimes I really don't like living here, especially now all the attention is on me. I hate that

[calithebold]

It feels like being in a straight jacket and because I'm on so much, I know it's my fault, but this is my life for the next five years. Now it just makes me mad!

[calithebold]

Aaahhhh, it feels so nice to feel happy and kinda normal, whatever that means. I have not had any extra seroquel since Friday and I actually feel better. I feel stronger. I was able to read one of my readings for uni this morning in quite a quick time frame. I forgot one drug that I left out of my signature that I forgot about, it was resperidone that I was taking and went off of CT last year towards the end of the year. Ick and awful drug, made me hungry as all hell. I ate and ate and ate and then complained constantly to D about my weight. I can't remember the dosage but I was taking it before I had heard of SA and I was taking them like they were chocolates. I can't believe now what I have put myself through both long term a little while ago and recently. It kinda makes me sad. It took one phone call to JanCarol in tears and not knowing what to do before I found out about SA. Although it's taken me a while to get my head around how it works in here, I think I am sorta getting there. I have to think before I press post now. Sometimes I still get it wrong though. So just 25mg of seroquel at lunch now, no extra. I can do this! I'm being positive while I have a window.

 

I changed my avatar pic to show my cat looking through the window of a cardboard box, I'm going to remind myself every time I look at it, that there are windows between the pain.

[ten0275]

i love the new photo! adorable, and an apropos reminder of those windows. i am also very glad to hear "happy and kinda normal" making its way into the mix.

 

good work on cutting out the extra seroquels since friday - i know you've been wanting to address that and it sounds like you are seeing to it in a positive way.

 

remember to be oh-so-gentle as you go.

 

hang in there!

 

dave

[calithebold]

Thank you Dave, I'm glad you like it! It's one of my favourites for sure! But pretty much any photo with Cali in it, is also my favourite photo, because most of the time, except when she is doing that "I'm going to look bad on purpose" thing that cats do (trust me, I'm not going crazy here, lol) she does this and she looks terrible but other than that she looks great.

 

Well I just woke up to a knew rude shock. Time, that's what. It tricked me into waking up and thinking it was 3am and because I wake up at that ungodly hour nearly every day, I just don't fight it anymore, so I got up, wandered around a bit and look at the clock 9:49pm. I'm like, huh! Looked again and thought "time how could you steal time from me?" Now of course I am feeling a little on edge, I am awake and asleep at the same time. It's confusing. I will go to bed again soon as it's just after 10pm. I pray it's not a pattern for the night but I won't get caught on that trick and think positive, maybe some warm milk and honey might do the trick. Off I go!

[calithebold]

Today has been fairly crappy, as I had a horrible headache. I slept a lot of the day, which made my headache worse. I was feeling lathargic and just icky. I forced myself to go for a walk and that helped a bit but I still just feeling blah. I hope tomorrow is better.

[AliG]

Hi Cali, I was just wondering how you are going?  You haven't posted in a while. I hope you're going well.  How's that little cat of yours? 

 

I don't have an answer to your question about the Seroquel.  Someone with more experience of that would have to advise you. I don't know if it's one that you can taper. Hopefully it is, and might be the answer.  Please don't beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault!  You've only been doing it for years, because the doctor's prescribed you an addictive drug.   You're strong and will overcome this, in time. 

[calithebold]

Hi Ali, Thanks for stopping by. I'm doing okay. My partner and I keep breaking up and then getting back together within 12 hours and it's doing my head in. Not only that but my seroquel cravings are horrible right now, probably because of how I am feeling emotionally.

 

I am happy to report though that I still haven't had any extra prn seroquel. It's been hard and I have half a tablet with me everywhere I go but somehow I am managing without it but it ain't easy. I've made it to a week and one day so far. I am very proud of myself because when I was really well and strong, late October last year, nothing bothered me too much and I hadn't taken prn serqouel in several months. I want to get back to that mindset and place, it felt so good to feel so strong. I hate it when you have the fall, mine was a big one. I had that problem with Chlorpromazine with my constant burning skin, even indoors, adverse reaction and then it went from there.

 

Considering what I've been through, I am very happy with where I am now. I am doing the distraction techniques, I am talking to people when I feel distressed and I just keep trying. I have paced a mark in my floor when I have been anxious, slept when I couldn't cope, cried when I have been hurt but I have laughed a lot too. My cat Cali is my little shadow and I love her (except these 2:30-3:00am wake ups aren't doing her much in my favour). I love D too, just not sure where we are right now. It's okay, what will be will be. I can't change that or see into the future to see what will happen. I suspect I already know what will happen but like I said, can't change it.

 

I'm going to keep plodding along and just see where life takes me. I'm in for the ride!

[Fresh]

Cali and Ali , my aussie mates , so cute.    Sound like you're in a better space Cali , good for you.   Plod plod , me too.

 

xxx  Fresh

[calithebold]

Hi Fresh, thanks for stopping by, it sounds like you're getting there too. I like your photo and it's true, nothing like a gold old Aussie BBQ. I live in the middle of the city and it's concrete jungle so there's not too many places for me to go to have a BBQ.

 

Update, I had sleep finally! D took Cali last night (he only lives in the apartment next door to me so it's an easy switch) and I lay down at 8:30pm and woke up thinking it would like 3am and it was 5:30am with light underneath the curtains. I couldn't believe it, 9 hours sleep. So happy. Yesterday I got an assignment for uni almost done, just need to write the introduction. I know that sounds weird not doing that first but I do mine backwards

 

Meds are going well. Still no seroquel except the normal. I have come to a point at the moment where my cravings aren't too bad and I'm not thinking about it so much. I'm not even thinking of tapering a thing for a long while. several months, just get me stable. If I can keep not taking seroquel, I guess that would have stood for my taper I guess wouldn't it? I went from my erratic consumption of it to not taking the extra and getting stable on the 25mg at lunch. Twice I've had diazepam for pain 10mg both times but I haven't got pain anymore so I should be fine there too. It's all so confusing

[AliG]

It sounds like you're doing well with the seroquel. Thats great. 9 hours sleep as well!  Good stuff.  I am happy for your progress.  Plod, plod, me too.

[calithebold]

Hi Ali, yes still no seroquel prn, that is three weeks tomorrow (or is it two, I think it's three, though could be wrong), would have to check. I've stopped craving it at the moment in any case. The 9 hours sleep was just one night and am now waking up on my own at about 2-3am every day. Sometimes I drop back off at about 4am for half an hour to an hour but usually stay awake. Otherwise things are okay, just getting there.  I'm glad you're plodding along too

 

I've had a headache since Monday all in my neck as well but have an appointment with the pain clinic tomorrow to get the injections in the nerves in the back of my head to 'reset' them. I'm a bit nervous this time as the last doc messed the right one up and it hurt so much, which it normally doesn't and I had a headache for three weeks. So yes, very nervous about it all this time because it normally stops the pain for about three months, with the occasional headache but not these long lasting ones. That's what they have me on the lyrica for. I was initially on gabapentin and it worked really well, but since lyrica came out here, they stopped prescribing me gabapentin. The lyrica is okay though. I hope the injections work okay this time.

[Fresh]

How did it go Cali?

[calithebold]

Do you mean the injections, that's tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all though!!!

[Fresh]

OOps , sorry.    I've been up since 4am and had plumbers here since 8.   Reading your post this morning feels at least as long ago as yesterday , lol. 

[AliG]

Hope it all goes well, Cali. 

[calithebold]

Thank you Ali and Fresh for your support and well wishes, it means a lot

 

I am very nervous this morning as I have the pain clinic in a few hours. I am going to tell them I don't want the resident doctor to do my injections, that I want to wait until my specialist can do them himself because the last doc missed the nerve and I had that awful headache for three weeks after, was awful. It also hurt like hell to have it done. This was not normal from my last injections. Apparently I have very small nerves which doesn't help. So it's two weeks today that I have not taken any seroquel and I'm have still not taken any. The symptoms I was suffering from the Pristiq, except maybe the sleep issues, seem to have settled somewhat thankfully. I just feel tired all the time. I did have some good news and that is that I got back into DBT, which will keep me busy and out of my dwelling on things and I'll have an outlet to getting some of these feelings out. So yes, I am excited about that. I start next Tuesday. I have missed my group so much. To those of you that are suffering, I wish you, even if it's a small time, a break from your symptoms.

[calithebold]

Well I've been back from my appointment with the pain clinic for several hours now, have been trying not to move around too much. I saw this new doc and as soon as he starts asking me questions I start bawling my eyes out. I told him about my bad experience when I went there last time and how I didn't tell anyone. I said I only wanted Richard, my specialist, to see me as my case is complicated as I have a rare neck/spinal condition. Richard never stuffs up and he always does a good job. I always get relief when he does the procedure.

 

I get a bilateral nerve block in the great occipital nerves which is at the back of the head. The doc said he would call Richard and see what he said, I said I was happy to wait for a bit, for example, probably around six weeks normally, but the doc came back and said Richard would be down in 20 mins if I wanted to wait, they would admit me as an outpatient and I knew it would only take about 30 mins after Richard got to the clinic.

 

So I wait and I start to settle and stop crying. Richard comes and  he asks me what happened last time and I told him honestly. He said he was very sorry that happened to me and asked if I wanted him to do the procedure and I said yes. I was so happy I asked for Richard because I was listening to the other doc talk and he had never done one before and I was like, OMG, I am so happy I didn't ask for you!!!!

 

He asked Richard lots of questions, he had all his info wrong too. Richard did the procedure and I realised something scary. Firstly I told Richard that when he did the procedure it was very different and he asked me why and I realised after I left that every time Richard does the procedure my head goes numb at the back but it hasn't happened with any other doctor there. My pain went instantly. My head is still numb but comfortable. I am a little light headed and tired but okay. I'm going to wait until D has finished his music session downstairs before I have a shower because on the way up here to the lift, I nearly fell up the stairs.

 

So I am going to take it easy for the rest of today. Hang out with Cali, who is ignoring me by the way and have a cup of tea. Rest sounds good right now.

[calithebold]

All I can say is OMG ouch where the néedle went. Hurts so bad and I can't do a thing about it :-(

[calithebold]

Today went really well. D and I went to this massive pet store, I always have so much fun there and I got quite a few things for my cat that I hope will help her feel happier. We got her this rectangle cardboard box which has holes in it and catnip balls, she was going crazy with it before and now she is laying next to it asleep, so cute. We got her a ball that when you get it in the right spot, it releases food, she loves that too. I'm trying to get her more active with more things just for her too. We got her a water fountain so she can have interesting drinks, lol. It was really good for me too because it made me feel good and it got me out of the house and I wasn't thinking about me but her. At one point the bus was five minutes away but we went back and got more stuff. There are lots of Cali things now and she seems comfy with them too. Playing and everything.

 

I have a question that I don't know if anyone can answer but maybe. I didn't know until yesterday that Lyrica was a psych med in other countries as I take for neuropathic pain, so maybe someone might know. For years I thought I was being injected with a local anesthetic BUT yesterday I overheard my specialist explaining to the younger doc that it was a steroid (I don't know which one) and a local anesthetic. If injected into a nerve, could that affect my other medication? No one may even know at all but I thought it was worth a shot (no pun intended, lol).

[calithebold]

I read in the self care section about making liquid magnesium that you drink that you can make from magnesium glycinate but the link is broken, it was a pdf. I'm have huge anxiety at the moment and I mean where my whole body shakes. I have 200mg magnesium glycinate tablets, I normally take 100mg at night. I just took 12.5mg and because I'm very sensitive to it, I need to be really careful how much I take. It has seemed to have helped bit, even in that small dose. Can anyone help me? Looked through some of the magnesium thread but am a bit lost.

[Fresh]

Hi Cali , I just had a look in the magnesium thread too.

 

Can you use the remainder of the 100mg (87.5)  throughout the evening in bits and bobs?

[calithebold]

Hi Fresh, I am due 100mg tonight which I would take about 4 hrs from now. I guess I'm asking for future days as I'm not sure on how much to take or how often. Can't believe that I can feel 12.5mg to be honest but that is awesome

[calithebold]

All I can say is wow. So I found the perfect alternative for the valium and extra seroquel I had been taking in the past and like I said before, the magnesium. I am amazed at how much difference it is making for me. The 12.5mg doses are giving my anxiety a rest but it is also clearing the fog a little while it's helping me relax. I have slept through the night since I have added the 12.5mg a few times a day and my anxiety over going to sleep is gone, I am calm and have been sleep from at about 8:30pm to 4am, which is awesome for me and the feliway has been helping Cali keep calm too. I do grounding exercises before bed too now and that is helping. Let's hope this keeps up

[ten0275]

cali, hey.

 

i am so happy to hear you are finding relief on several levels. you are beaming positivity!

 

may you continue to thrive.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

[calithebold]

Thanks Dave

 

I have had the shakes for a few days thinking it was anxiety, I don't know if it is or not but when D touched my hand he said that he could feel that it was coming from my core. You can only slightly see the shakes, but geez I can feel it so badly inside. This is day three. I don't know what to do about it. I've been using magnesium in small doses 12.5mg.

[AliG]

Hi Cali, thanks for your support and understanding. I think it's going to be fine. You seem to be

going well. The magnesium, seems to be doing the trick. I'm also finding it really helpful, as well.

Have you tried it in a bath? Epsom salts - it's another way of getting magnesium, and it makes you feel

really good. It's good at night, to help with sleep. So glad you've had some improvement.

[calithebold]

Hi Ali, I don have a bath unfortunately, I wish I did. Thanks for your support too

 

I found out what the shaking is from, lack of protein and very bad diet due to the left overs of an eating disorder from the last 10 years. It's just gets me at times by controlling my food into very negative ways. I am going to change this because I want to and I can and I will. I must if I want to get better and get ready to start my first taper. I need to be healthy. Just another way to prepare myself. The only thing I do have is lots of jerking that I can't control but I think that's the drugs. It's bad today.

[AliG]

 Hey Cali, You still up as well?  How  do you know the shaking is lack of protein?  I'm not disagreeing, just curious to know?  Are you still struggling with the whole "diet" thing?    Let me know and we'll talk about it.    Have a good day.   What are you doing for Easter?   

[calithebold]

Hi Ali, yeah I'm up still. It was after talking to Jan about it, she knows my ED history and some recent stuff with it. When I had some high protein food it lessened considerably but in saying that, it is still there too. So I don't know what all of it is. I think it's partly really bad diet and partly something else I don't know about. It's all really confusing. For Easter I'm just hanging out with Cali and D, so not much really? What about you?

[AliG]

  You really need to get on a whole food diet.  Lots of salmon, fruit /veges,  etc. nuts /seeds  , almond butter, and a touch of coconut oil.

  We're going up the north coast, for a few days, but not sure about this weather !  It always rains at Easter.  We'll see.   Talk to you when I get back.  Take care of yourself, and eat healthy.   Have some fun, with D & Cali.       Take care.    Ali.

[calithebold]

I am shopping today for good foods, have a great big list of things and all of those are on the list

 

My mum lives up there on the north coast and yes I think there is going to be some rain. Always the way!

 

You take care of yourself too. I hope you get some sleep!

[calithebold]

Well things have changed dramatically since my last post. I was shaking for a nearly a week and then on Saturday night I felt so awful that I had to call an ambulance and blood sugar was really low. They took me to the hospital where I got a taste of how hopeless the medical system is. I had a huge wake up call and realised two things with Jan's hep (thank you Jan so much), that not only was I not eating enough protein, but that I was dehydrated, that I had been having way to much sugar, that my electrolytes were stuffed up and if I didn't change things now, I would be in so much trouble physically.

 

I also realised that I the medical community really sucks and my medication could most likely not helped things, even my past depression, psychosis and mania. I got my first manic episode in 2000 after my doc then pushed my Effexor up from 37.5mg to over 150mg in less than a week. Then she said I had bipolar and put me lithium and so it went to the point where I now am on seven different tablets. Though one for a hiatus hernia and one for nerve pain but I didn't know lyrica was used as a psych med in other countries.

 

So big pharma and the medical community really suck and I'm glad I have FINALLY figured this out. It's sad that it's taken a big scare to show me this but now I have, things are going to change big time. I am on my way.