calithebold: Right at the beginning

[calithebold]

The days get away from me sometimes. It's been nearly a week since I posted. I'm still going well. I had a few shaky days last week but they settled after a few days. So I am back to it and am coping well, even getting a lot of uni work done. Yay for concentration. I have now tapered my pariet down again to 10mg morning and at night. I have not yet had any rebound reflux at all. Fingers crossed. I don't eat much that would give me reflux in any case, that I know of.anyway. Let's hope it stays that way. I hope you are all well

[AliG]

 This sounds very positive, Cali.  Keep up the good work.  I'm thinking of you.

[Fresh]

I'm thinking of you today Cali , hoping things are still on the up and up     .

[calithebold]

Hi Fresh, things haven't been so great. I started to get some paranoia and kinda psychotic like symptoms. Freaking me out to be honest. I know part of it is a lady that lives in my building has gotten way too attached to me in a short period of time and she won't leave me alone and the other part is this massive anxiety. It's scaring me    I hate it when weird stuff happens. This lady keeps telling me she loves me unconditionally and I don't even really know her.

 

I am now only on 10mg of pariet morning and night and go off another 10mg morning dose on Monday. It's been great as I've had no rebound reflux but then I am being careful what I eat. I am really happy about this.

 

I wish the other stuff would level out. Sorry I haven't been posting but I have been reading posts. I have the attention span of mosquito at the moment   I lose concentration on conversations really easily I'm sure it will settle down soon

[AliG]

  Hey Cali, I can understand how that would "freak" you out, but don't worry about it.  It still sounds like you're doing ok.   The "diet' sounds good, and you sound "stable", with the drugs. The thing with the "lady", would freak anybody out. That"s "Fatal Attraction" stuff.   I'm glad you posted. I have been thinking about you, and wondering how you were. I'm happy, you're ok.  Keep up the good work.   Luv. Ali. 

[calithebold]

Thanks Ali, I was really freaked out a day or two ago but it has settled down now

 

So I have been getting some rebound reflux now. It's not unmanageable, just annoying. It started because D made curry yesterday and well, curry can obviously give you reflux! I didn't think of it at the time but I did about 3 hours later . I'm not worried about it because it was directly diet based. There's a solution -- don't curry just yet while I'm coming off of pariet. All in all, I am doing very well.

 

Bummer, I just lost my avatar and I can't get it back   If this is all I have to worry about, I'm doing well!

[JanCarol]

Oh Bummer about the avatar!  I've noticed that some people "lose" their avatar, and I wonder why it happens?

 

You wrote:  

 

 

Freaking me out to be honest. I know part of it is a lady that lives in my building has gotten way too attached to me in a short period of time and she won't leave me alone and the other part is this massive anxiety. It's scaring me     I hate it when weird stuff happens. This lady keeps telling me she loves me unconditionally and I don't even really know her.

 

You know.  When you get "freaky" there is ALWAYS a cause for it.  

 

It's so logical, why can't the doc's see it?  Your reaction isn't mental illness.  It may be extreme - anxiety, agoraphobia, agitation, etc. - but it has a cause.  Sometimes the cause is psychosocial (like the "lady," hmph, if I should call her that!), sometimes it's medicinal (yes, the PPI withdrawal can make you sensitive).

 

When you get fully off the PPI - I'm glad you've started the B12, glad that's going okay.  - but when you get off the PPI, think about probiotics to reflora your gut.  It's complicated, there's a lot to learn, but our "Inner Health Plus" ($$) is a solid product.

 

I think you may be through the window of Pristiq - but another consideration - was your "day without meds" could've caused a disregulation of mood, that might keep you sensitive for about 3 weeks.

 

I'm so proud of you, how careful you are being!  So - when was your last dose of Pristiq?  Have you thought about what you will taper when you've recovered from the PPI?

 

And I am sooooo glad to be off statins, aren't you?  I've come to the conclusion that statins were the main cause of my deep undying depersonalized depression.  Next month, I need to get an appointment with the "statin lecturing" doc.  I'm afraid of it, but I want to give her one more chance before I start all over with another doc.  I need her for some referrals, etc.  On the whole, she is a good doctor, but she is "statins-by-the-book."  Sigh.

 

Do your docs know you are off statins?  I'll make a bet with you:  as you get free of your neuroleptics, I'll bet your cholesterol goes down naturally!  (as if you ever ate any fat to begin with!  egads!)

[calithebold]

Well it's been a while and that's because I've had some unwanted excitement in my life. I think I mentioned several posts ago about a lady that is basically stalking me in my building. She keeps calling me and leaving messages and telling me she loves me unconditionally (she doesn't know me at all) and won't leave me alone. It's freaking me out. This was bothering me last Tuesday and then we (my family) thought my dad had a heart attack and was in hospital. It just hit me that one day he won't be around, that he is not invincible like I thought he was. Silly I know. He just seemed it always.

 

Anyway, I was in my DBT group and I was just sitting there crying and people left me alone to cry, then I walked out of the group (which is held at the hospital I go to when I go in) and sat in the reception area just bawling. I couldn't control any of those things right then at all and it felt horrible. Just then one of the psychologists came to talk to me and I was edging towards the door and she stood in front of me and said "if you go out that door, I'm call the police." Well that scared the hell out of me. I sat down and some of me group mates came out and were awesome, I can't believe how awesome they were.

 

Then my actual psychologist comes out and tries to talk to me and is trying to get me to go with her back to the room. I said, "I just can't" and she is saying "come on, come on" so what did I do, I turned around and bolted out the door, up the road and around the corner to a bus stop. Clearly though I wasn't thinking because I left my bag, my wallet, my bus pass and my art gear all at the hospital, all I had was my phone.

 

I walked back and went up to the psychologist that threatened to ring the police and apologised for running away. She then tells me I am now admitted to hospital and I said but if you do that I need my stuff and she looked at me like 'do you really think we are going to let you out that door again' but didn't say that. Then they are trying to figure out a way to organise it and I just say look why can't I go and get it and bring it back. She says, "you have two hours and then  I will ring the police." I'm freaking out because all I did was cry and get upset and go for a walk, albeit a fast one. I panicked all the way home and quickly packed at got back to the hospital. I made it in time.

 

I then got breathalysed and had to supply a urine test to test for drugs and alcohol. My bags were searched, everything ruffled through and opened. All 'sharps' taken away and any medication taken away. Geez, they even took my Tums for any reflux now I'm off of pariet. I was in for three days only thankfully. The nurses were really nice and my doctor was surprised to see me there and was generally pretty nice. My DBT group mates hung out with me on Thursday while they were on a break and we all bitched about Jo, the psychologist who tried to call the police on me. Upon discharge I then found out too that I had been put on olanzapine at night. Lucky I can tell my tablets apart by how they look, so I ditched the bloody thing.

 

That is my scary tale, though I got through it and at the end of the day it didn't change much except to tell me to not avoid things and not to run. The lady that is stalking me will eventually stop because I am not accepting her energy of behaviour anymore. I am finally off of pariet, with not much reflux, it depends what I eat. I have to be careful. All in all, I am happy where I am

[AliG]

 I'm so sorry , Cali.  You've gone through so much.  Hope things get better soon.  Thinking of you.

[JanCarol]

You know, Cali, I just had an insight - yes - you were freaking out - but.  The reason you went into hospital is because your Treatment Personnel were afraid!  In response to their own fear, they subjugated your rights.

 

There's something a little backwards about that.  <3

[calithebold]

It's been ages. I got stuck again in the system and still finding it hard to claw my way out again. I had a whole heap of paranoia where under the circumstances, of being stalked, is quite understandable I think. My doctor tried to give me olanzapine but I only took it four times in all and it's now been ceased. If I have to be really honest I will say that the numbness of the drugs sometimes is more bearable than the pain. Sometimes it's just easier to pop a pill. Then I don't have to work at it and try and sit in the emotion or even have to work at figuring out what the emotion is. That makes me sound terrible

 

So I am sorry I didn't get to reply to your threads. I was reading them all on my phone but I do hope you are all okay. Hopefully now I can catch up

[AliG]

 Nice to hear from you, Cali. It's funny not to see your little "kitty" avatar.  I've been thinking of you and hoping you're well.  Emotion is "hard" to deal with.

  However, it's normal, and you don't sound terrible.   

[calithebold]

Thanks Ali, that makes me feel a bit better

 

I just changed my avatar as I don't have any of Cali's photos compressed small enough right now, so here are my feet

[btdt]

I am glad it is all settled now and you can get your sea legs again.  Being off the pariet is a good step I was very pleased with myself when I finally got off it tho I have to say I had to be careful for a few months after i stopped with the foods I ate.  I was on it a long time then quit.. then had to go back on after an antibiotic messed up my gut again but I am off again now and happy of it. 

I know what you mean about emotions being rough they are rough when your normal but seems to me since wd they are different like they swing to far one way or the other and can't balance I find I need extra time in nature and quiet to even things out. 

I hope things continue to improve for you. Take good care of you. 

Wishing you peace

[calithebold]

It's been a while. I had a period of scary stuff and I kind of checked out of everything and hid in my apartment. I ditched my psychiatrist and psychologist and moved on. I have an awesome new doc. He has done a fair few blood tests and is very happy with my sipplements and I have finally started on the tapering. My doc needs training. I am on 250mg of lamictal (among others) I'll fix my sig soon and he asked me to drop it by 50mg which I did for one day even knowing the way it should be done and reinstated 25mg so now it is right at 10% reduction. How do you guys do this? Shaking, headache and almost cramps. It's day two. Wow, it hasn't even started. I'm not anxious, yet. I've missed coming here. I hope you guys are all okay.

[AliG]

 Hi Cali,

 

Its  so nice to hear from you. I'm glad you're ok, now. You're so lucky to have found an awesome doctor. Obviously they're rare.  Good luck with the taper. I'm happy that you reconsidered your drop.  10%  is the way.  I "m sure you can stick it out. Glad you're back.  Take good care of yourself.   Love, Ali.

[JanCarol]

Hey Cali - I'll see what we can find that sounds "doctorly enough" for slowing down your p-docs tapering plan.

 

You might want to read this one:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6786-dadeen8-tapering-off-of-lamictal-is-hell-on-earth/#entry95749

 

She was doing lamictal tapers 25 mg every 2 weeks, and Petunia things that is too fast......

 

Please be careful with the lamictal.  It has a reputation for - well.  You know.  <3

[calithebold]

Thanks Jan. I'm drawing a blank on what might happen and in saying that I hope it's not anything embarrassing! I will check out that link. Eek at dropping 25mg every two weeks :-/

 

Doing surprisingly okay. Bit lightheaded and shaking a little though but not too bad. Better than this morning actually. I'm feeling happy ☺

[calithebold]

It's funny, I was thinking how many of you have started your journey coming of meds unexpectedly or you had no idea what you were in for before your doctor's had started your taper too fast and then you found here. What I was thinking is how incredibly fortunate I am to start my journey while I am here to start with.

 

I know I have come off some drugs while in here but they were because of side effects not tapering. I think I am also lucky that I now have the strength to say something to my doc about how I want to do this and that if he doesn't help, I would have to find somewhere else.

 

I'm doing okay. Feeling good this morning, though the day is young. It's only 4am. I don't sleep past three these days anymore, though I do get a good 7 hours sleep before that. Lucky me. I think that is really a dead sleep from the seroquel actually though. You wake up feeling rather strange and maybe a little hollow.

 

When I was talking to my mum about sleep, she said to me to not get hung up on when I sleep, just to listen to my body and sleep when I needed to. Now I don't get hung up about it, but others do, which is silly really.

 

I have started to read a novel, which is the first time I have actually read one in a long time. I am 40% the way through and I can't believe that I am this far in. I am very happy with that. I think that's what I will do today.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you, Cali. You seem to be doing well, we're glad to be of help.

[calithebold]

Thanx Alto, I'm really glad to be back and it feels really nice that I am in a good place rather than like I was at the beginning of the year

[calithebold]

It's funny, I just reread some of the first things I wrote in here, kinda sad/embarrasing, I'm sure you all know what it's like when you're new and you don't know much about anything and no one knows anything about you. I wouldn't say I know heaps even now because I struggle to read these days. I am proud of myself for finishing a whole novel in one sitting yesterday, even when I had creaky bones later on last night. I was stil happy because that's the first book in so long. I can't even remember. I have so many unfinished books. Including ones that I was recommended to read here. I have them on my ipad and now I think I can get to them while I'm feeling a bit yuck from very very mild wd and I don't feel like doing anything. Sleeping, drinking tea and chewing on carrots has been great. I'm so glad I came here before I started my taper and now I am in so much better condition than when I started getting ready last year. I guess I am just reflecting. I know it won't always be this way but if I can make lemonade out of lemons now, then I hope I can keep it going as I really get into this.

[calithebold]

I have the shakes today and a bit of anxiety. It's just more annoying than anything else. I am having trouble typing and writing and while I was out before I was convinced that my cat was going to break her leg :-/  I am reading Anatomy of an Epidemic. I have been reading it a bit but now seriously from the beginning again. I read bits while I was seroqueled and of with the pixies, so I don't remember it. I have only been reading again in the last few days, which is weird. I don't know what has changed. I am so happy about it.

[AliG]

 Hi Cali,

 

Good to see you reading !  Particularly that book. It's " epic" & " life changing" !!  After that, there's no going back !  Ever.   The lights come on, " big time " !!

 

I'm so pleased, that you're doing well.        Love,  Ali.    ( I hope we'll catch up soon. ).   Brissy girl . 

[calithebold]

Hi Ali

It would be great to catch up again. I look forward to it ☺

 

So I think I am having neuro emotions. I've had them for a while now but sorta worse over the last few days and I see myself kicking my cat. I know that I would never do that because I love her so much but it's so disturbing. When I see it my body jerks and it goes away. Since I was getting off those medications end of last year and on and off a few this year, I think for me these thoughts are the worst. They make me feel helpless. Bloody drugs, I hate them!!! Artwork really helps and lately so does reading. Oh and challenging it. I will cuddle my cat when I have one of those thoughts and that works.

[calithebold]

Ugh! That's all I can say. Didn't start out to well this morning. I was having a lot of jerkiness in my hands and tipped a cup of hot tea all over myself accidentally :-/ Luckily I didn't burn myself. I nearly threw up in Target as I had vertigo and got motion sick. I'm ok, great emotionally and glad I'm not studying this semester.

[calithebold]

I've been thinking how terrible my eyesight has been lately (over the last year). So I put on my glasses (haven't put them on it a while), I still couldn't see   damn drugs

[JanCarol]

Cali, I just found this old post at http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1951-progesterone-for-women/?p=23942

 

 

 

Hi, I was prescribed bio-idential creame for progesterone and testosterone 5ml x 2 daily as well as a estrogeon tablet. (theory high estrogeon / low progesterone). low testosterone low energy. This was because I removed Marina IUD which I believed was contibuting to being really tierd and not being natural. Unfortunatley wen that was removed had very heavy menstral cycle every two weeks. Creme and tablets give me normal cycle. I notice when I forget to take I get a very heavy period again. My question is - I thought the bio-idential was ok and not cancer inducing ? At 44 I don't want to have a hysterectomy. I was hoping the creme would/might help ie stable hormones might assist in tappering ???? Caro 

 

and wondered if it might apply to you.  Food for thought, if you still have trouble after having the Marina out....

[calithebold]

Hi Jan

Lucky for me I am not having trouble after the marina. It was only in for 2 weeks and the thing I do notice is the tiniest amount of heavier bleeding. In a way it has helped because the cycle is not all over the place anymore. I would never have it again because of the anxiety it caused and I really hated the thing but now it's out, I'm not unhappy with the outcome

[melanie]

Hello Cali,

 

I went through your thread the other day. I like the way you write. And can't take my eyes off your darling Kitty...

 

You don't mind me asking, but what condition did they give you all those anti-psychotics for? Have you ever been addicted to benzos?

 

You have such a beautiful Kitty, she reminds me a lot of mine. They have identical colours. I love my Kitty more than life itself. How old is your little girl?

 

Have got 18 yrs experience with anti-psychotics. I know the damage they do to the brain. Brain lobotomy, as Peter Breggin once stated.

 

You've got a great writing potential. Don't let pdocs destroy it, keep tapering. My pdoc says all antipsychotics act similarly on the brain, so you may choose just one...

 

Have been taking Seroquel for 13 yrs, but lately went down to 6,25 mg for sleep. My largest dose was 200 mg though, in 2002. Last year, they wanted to give me 400 mg in the hospital, but I ran away after two days in this hell.

 

I am also acquainted with chlorpromazine, flushed the stuff down the toilet last year.... In the US, it is used only for veterinary purposes.

 

My significant other is very seriously ill (well, me too!). But he is functioning great on one anti-psychotic only. He used to take several though... In the distant past.

 

You don't escape any more into that med-induced sleep in the daytime? See you quit your 25 mg Seroquel, congrats! I'm still having this problem, though less often.

 

Take care, keep healing.

 

Sending virtual cuddles to your Kitty,

 

Mel

[calithebold]

Hi Mel

 

I can't take my eyes of my kitty either    (please meet the real Cali) she is three, she is my special girl, I can't imagine life without her. Aparentally I have bipolar disorder, though I am actually not conviced about that and yes, I have been addicted to benzos unfortuately. My doctor used to allow me to take up to 40mg a day of valium (just realised that valium is not in my sig eeekkk, I can't believe I missed that). I did used to take a fair amount of that too and then I stopped it cold turkey in early 2014. I do occasionally take 5-10mg for pain, but only very occasionally. It zonks me out really badly if I do take it and I can't remember the liast time I did. You know it had totally slipped my mind though this is very important and I can't believe I did forgot.

 

Thanks in relation to the writing compliment and don't you worry, I am doing my best to not let any more of my brain to be damaged by these horrible things and that's why from now on it's a taper at as slow a pace as I can to do it right from now on. Chlorpromazine was the worst anti-psychotic I've ever been on. I will never forget that constant burning skin even when not in the sun and in the sun, even through my clothes. I'm glad you got rid of it too.

 

I don't sleep in the day time hardly anymore at all, though I have tried and not with seroquel ever. I can't believe I used to do that. I used to carry seroquel 25mg tablets around with me but I took them out of my bag completely and don't use them when I'm feeling awful. I figure if I am trying to get off the stuff so badly, then it doesn't make sense for me to take it and I really need to deal with my emotions without it anyway. It sucks sometimes but I have lots of tricks up my sleeve when it comes to keeping myself distracted. It's certainly not always easy though. I think that's why it took so much time for me to stop taking, even the small doses of seroquel. That and then I just got plain scared and for that I'm thankful. Fear is a great motivator!

 

I'm sure if Cali was able to speak in English rather than, well, Cali, she would wish your kitty a hug too

 

S

[melanie]

Cali, my Kitty is 4,5 yrs old, the love of my life! She's tricolor exotic and sends big hugs to your Kitty.

 

Congrats on getting off benzos! You'll manage with anti-psychotics if you did it with benzos. You'll be able to taper all right, you're strong.

 

Benzos are the hell to get off. I did it once in my life. Was 11 yrs free (2003-2014) and here I go again. Fighting again...

 

Pdocs did you a lot of harm, but your spirit will win this battle, I'm sure.

 

Keep healing and take good care of that tricolor Miracle.

 

Hugs, Mel

[calithebold]

HI Mel

I'm sorry to hear you started to take benzos again and yes they hard to get off and they are alluring at times too aren't they? I know still I sometimes want them but not for my body's desire to have them but more of the memory of how they made me feel in that moment. If I wanted to dull the internal pain, perfect, they worked but then you end up with all that other stuff that comes with that and that's what we are here for, getting off them.

 

As for anti-psychotics, I don't doubt I can get off of them but will take it slower than slow. But I'm happy with that    My pdocs have done me so much harm and I'm so angry with my last one. I feel like she was so irresponsibile in that she wanted to control me and drugs were the only way she knew how, oh and hospital that is. I've thought about this and I think between 2010 and this year, I had approx 25 hospital addmissions. I did what she wanted because I trusted her. I am learning to trust my new pdoc. He's pretty great! I like him a lot. I like that he does almost everything out of hospital, everything. He said the only time he would bring me in is if I was a danger to myself or others but other than that, even med changes at home - yay! Finally someone sensibile.

 

--

 

So now for the part I'm not too great on explaining because I don't understand it that well yet, I'm getting there though. My pdoc is a orthormolecular psychiatrist. He has done a few blood tests already and I had another one yesterday (histamine). This sounds stupid but I have no clue what that is yet, but I will before I see him next. I have lots of reading to do. I have to ease up a bit on reading Whitaker's book Anatomy of an Epidemic because I was getting so fired up I was arguing with a lot of people at home and I live in an apartment building that has 147 apartments, which is a fair few people I was arguing with. I ended up just switching to a novel and doing some colouring and I am fine now. I will get stuck into that book again this morning.

 

One interesting thing. I have been participating in a survey for the last three years about the place I live at. It's a social survey and the guy that does it has a PhD at Griffith University here in Brisbane. During my fired up stage I told Cameron about what I was doing, how I felt about medication and how that impacted how I live here and he wants me to talk to him again, separately from the survey and we can talk about all this as he didn't have time right now. I told him my goals and he was impressed because others here don't have any. I know what I want (1) in five years I want to be off the meds, (2) I want to write a book (3) I want to complete my degree and (d) I'd love Cali and I to have a house to live in (I'm sure there are more )

 

WD going okay. Last night was a bit dicey as I had cramps in my muscles. Eventually I fell asleep but I was scared going in to sleep, thankfully I didn't stay that way. I just dreamed a hell of a lot though can't remember it.

 

That's my epic post

[melanie]

Hey Cali,

 

Posted a reply for you on my thread.

 

Hope your day is kind to you... It's almost 8 pm here.

 

Terrible darkness again.

 

Hugs to you and the Kitty,

 

Mel

[calithebold]

Ty Mel ☺

 

Well, I'm having a rocky time of it and it's not the wd. My partner, well not now, hasn't spoken to me for 2 days and every six weeks lately he does something like this. He will break up with and then a day later we get back together. Not this time though. I'm feeling very hurt and angry. I have been keeping busy though. I have to. If my pdoc thinks I'm not coping he may try and increase my meds, which I don't want, I am doing ok I think. Feel strong. The wd are very minor. I can feel them but I can say, I am noticing that ....... and I am ok. This morning I was crying a lot because of D but I pulled myself out of it by reminding myself that I really can't afford to feel down. I can get through this. I will be okay. It will hurt but that's normal. Anyone would feel that. It's just an emotion, it will pass. I'm not looking forward to telling him it's over when I see him, he makes me feel bad then and usually give. I must not, so not this time.

[JanCarol]

I am so sorry that he sucks!   He's made a pattern of selfish choices which cost you wellness.  I hope you truly can let go.  {{{HUGS}}}