calithebold: Right at the beginning

[melanie]

Ty Mel ☺

Well, I'm having a rocky time of it and it's not the wd. My partner, well not now, hasn't spoken to me for 2 days and every six weeks lately he does something like this. He will break up with and then a day later we get back together. Not this time though. I'm feeling very hurt and angry. I have been keeping busy though. I have to. If my pdoc thinks I'm not coping he may try and increase my meds, which I don't want, I am doing ok I think. Feel strong. The wd are very minor. I can feel them but I can say, I am noticing that ....... and I am ok. This morning I was crying a lot because of D but I pulled myself out of it by reminding myself that I really can't afford to feel down. I can get through this. I will be okay. It will hurt but that's normal. Anyone would feel that. It's just an emotion, it will pass. I'm not looking forward to telling him it's over when I see him, he makes me feel bad then and usually give. I must not, so not this time.

Hey Cali,

 

Well, I don't know D. personally, if he's selfish like Jan stated... Some ppl are selfish. It can be worked on in a relationship.

 

But as the Dalai Lama says in his "Rules for life": "Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship."

 

As I read from your posts, your partner has rather been a great source of support lately.

 

Maybe he imagined something. Thought he'd got hurt somehow and is ruminating over it at the moment. And he may repeat this pattern many times.

 

The best way to solve any dispute is to talk it over. Calmly. When the emotional flooding is over. And it passes with time. But you may let the other side keep to themselves for a while.

 

Your own recovery is the most important thing for you now. But if D's been helpful in the past, so do stick together.

 

When I feel hurt by my ex-husband, I am able not to pick up the phone from him for two weeks. Even though I wait for his calls and think about him a lot. I haven't seen him for four months. Entirely due to my own problems. Miss him terribly. We used to go to AA meetings together, which was a lifesaver for me, because of this benzo issue I've got.

 

I even divorced him though still loving him. But I was influenced by someone. Just listen to what your heart tells you...

 

Your partner's silence may have something to do with his own problems. Are you familiar with the intense fear of being abandoned? Which stems from the ACoA syndrome (coming from a dysfunctional family) or from the borderline personality disorder...

 

Such people often leave their loved ones, out of fear they will be abandoned themselves.

 

Just a bunch of hypotheses here.

 

Let him be silent for a while and mull things over. Then gently, patiently, persistently... try to communicate with him.

 

It's good you live in the same building, so your paths will cross... Don't inflict unnecessary suffering upon yourself. And pills will solve nothing in the long run. They're only temporary relief and complicate things further.

 

If this friendship is beneficial to you. By all means. Keep it.

 

Big hugs to you and the Kitty,

Mel

[calithebold]

Hi Mel

 

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Unfortunatly, this time the problem I am having with D are quite serious. This is the 7th time that I have been treated in a way that seriously affects my mental health. Jan knows both of us personally but me for a very long time, a lot longer than D and she has personally seen how this has affected me. As you say, I need to look after me and I know this is what needs to happen. Yes I'm sad, I love him, but.... I can't explain it really, too much has happened, I just want to keep well mentally. You know what it's like when you just can't do it anymore. I hope he and I can be friends at some point. Thank you so much for your concern ☺

 

Kitty hugs

[melanie]

Cali, check out this book:

 

"Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

 

Also make sure that any of this could apply to D or you:

 

ACoA (Janet G. Woititz "Adult Children of Alcoholics");

 

Borderline Personality Disorder (Rachel Reiland "Get me out of here", DSM criteria).

 

Don't make any rash decisions, please. I guess the fear of being abandoned gets exacerbated in withdrawal.

 

Take good care of yourself and the Kitty,

Mel

[JanCarol]

Oooh, good one, Mel.  "Women Who Love Too Much" just might apply, as might "Co-Dependant No More"

 

It used to be "I hate you don't leave me" but I think that applies less than it used to.

 

I'm going to get the Rachel Reiland book (thanks for that!) - you so rarely hear about recovery from Borderline.  Personally, I don't believe in the Borderline diagnosis, only in Borderline behaviours.  I won't go into why I think D is on an unhealthy streak, and repeats unhealthy patterns.  She's not married to him, and does not need to subject herself to his cruel neglect.  No relationship is better than a bad one.

[melanie]

Hey Jan,

 

You mentioned that book by Melodie Beattie "Co-dependent no more"... Thank you. I must read it when I get better.

 

So many reads to do...

 

I've dealt a lot with co-dependency in my lifetime.

 

D. may repeat unhealthy patterns, but doesn't he also have good points? I'm thinking about all the positive stuff Cali wrote about him on her thread. All the support he gave her.

 

Maybe this is just a moment of emotional flooding. I try to always look at the big picture...

 

Take care,

Mel

[AliG]

 Hi Cali,

 

I'm sorry for all that you're going through.  I hope it works out, in whichever way that is best for you, and your health & happiness.    Hugs,  Ali. 

[calithebold]

Hi Ali

That means a lot, thank you ☺

[AliG]

 Cali,

 

Hang in there.  You're doing so well. 

[calithebold]

Ali,

I know and I'm not going to let that stop now :-)

[calithebold]

Feeling a little sad this morning but I think that's only natural given the circumstances. I don't feel 'depressed' and I am so happy about that. I guess I feel a little bit lost in a way. I'm used to having another person around me all the time but there's just no one and it's 4:38 am. I'm the only one here, not that I'm expecting anyone. It's just me and me and me <sigh>. I'll be okay, just need to keep busy 

[calithebold]

Anxiety and incredible sadness

[calithebold]

It's okay. Just a hiccup. I'm okay. A bit complicated but it will sort itself out. I have to remember to focus on the end goal and not makes things harder for myself than they already are. I guess it's going to take some practice. 

[calithebold]

What an awful day it was yesterday. Today's a new day  . It can only get better. My wd's are going okay. The only real thing I have left is some tingling in my fingertips, I feel a bit weak in my arms and my forehead is tingling too. If I can keep going like this, it would be awesome    

[calithebold]

My mood is swinging so much today. I feel sad and heavy. Nausea too. All I can seem to do is lay down and watch tv. I have a bit of agraphobia (spelling). I seem to be unable to get out of my unit. Not even to go up to level 13, the roof and look at the flowers. I get stuck. I struggle to even get out of my flat. Frustrating that I have this barrier. I really hope this will settle.

[calithebold]

I spoke to a counselor I have been seeing yesterday and we talked about all of thie things that g have been going on for the last week. One of the things he aaid was, that if I'm going to do thus I to become a lot more resilient because otherwise when I see my pdoc he will just put my meds up again. I really don't want to happen. I musg just keep on moving forward. After I spoke to him I felt really clear again. I feel a bit stupid losing like I did. Geez, i barely changed a thing.

[calithebold]

I'm back on track, which I am so happy about. I have to chalk up to experience how I responded external factors after doing tapering because I guess all of us are a little more susceptible to being a little emotional vulnerable. Well I should say at least I should have realised that about myself. Oh well, it's all done and dusted and it's all going to be just fine. I wish my life was a little bit less chaotic sometimes though.

 

The wd are still there a tiny bit, which as far as I can tell is just this continual shaking right in the core of my body. It's not disturbing really but, oh year, I have tingly fingertips and feet and that feels like at the same rate of tingling as my body is shaking. I'm lucky I think, as I think of some and it's really awful. I know I can do this though and I'm glad I did start right at the beginning, if you know what I mean   

[calithebold]

I woke this morning with no WD. I'm pretty happy with that. So that means from the time I tapered, they lasted two weeks. That's not to say they won't come back. That doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly taper again. No, I will hold for a few weeks yet and see how I'm feeling and make the decision then. Nice and slowly does it. I'd rather not exacerbate the situation by hurrying. Happy happy happy ☺

[calithebold]

Today has been pretty rocky. I found some information, something I can't go into, that has thrown me about. It's really awful stuff and I'm really hurt and angry. Can't change it now. But the real crappy thing is when I woke up from a nap about 45 mins ago, I was so dizzy I almost fell over and had cramping in my tummy, plus nausua and shaking. I know emtions play a big part in our WD too, so I think it's because of that. Know what I want to do but it's in opposition of what I should do.

[AliG]

 Hi Cali. ,

 

Emotional stress can bring on a wave of symptoms. I'm hoping it will settle down for you, soon.   As you know I'm struggling with this as well.

 

Thanks for your support.    I hope you resolve your dilemma. 

 

Hugs,

 

Ali.

[calithebold]

Hi Ali

I hope I resolve the dilemma soon too and so I hope it all settles because as soon as I can settle it, the faster it will settle. In any case it's settled somewhat over the last hour. Thankfully. I'm hoping it was a small flair up. I did only find out that stuff this morning. Thanks so much ☺

[Fresh]

Hi cali's mum.

 "Know what I want to do but it's in opposition of what I should do."

Don't let your more primitive urges get the better of you . . . try not to do anything that will get you arrested or jeopardize your living situation.

 

My daily message from SimpleReminders.com is  "Putting yourself first doesn't mean you don't care about                                                                                       others. It means  you're smart enough to know you can't

                                                                               help others if you don't help yourself first."                                                                                 

                                                                                

Look after YOU ,  and thanks for your lovely words on my thread.

 

 

[calithebold]

Hi Fresh

I hear you, it's just so horribly scary    and I know I keep saying but but but and I can't. It annoys the crap out of me when someone else says that and I am doing it  now too. Thank you though and I will think about what you have said, really I will   . 

 

As for me otherwise I am okay. I feel some weakness in my limbs and a I tiny bit of cramping. Just tired and I only just got up  .

[calithebold]

P.S. I had to come back and report some good things so I don't sound so negative all the time, at least I feel that is how I am being, if that makes sense.

 

*  I have been doing lots of colouring which has helped me to distract myself from negativity and I put music on at the same time because I don't know about you all but when you just do something with your hands, your brain is still running at 100 miles an hour. This one really works for me!

 

*  I walked to a park yesterday that has a lovely view of the city and did some photography and now I get to play with them in photoshop

 

*  Cali and I have become much closer since everything blew up with D and whatnot. She has been very comforting (except this morning when she kept biting me to get my attention because it was her breakfast time and she was still in bed 

 

*  I am listening to my body and eating more healthy fats and removing sugar from my diet and it's helping, my belly has gotten a bit smaller and I can't believe that this is the case, it's very counterintuitive really but very exciting. I am happy to feed my body what it needs

 

--

 

Today I plan to clean up my whole unit, do some colouring, photoshop my photos and read my book. I'm not going to let the recent issues stop me from self soothing and relaxing. This makes me feel good just posting 

[AliG]

 Cali,
 

I'm so glad to hear this !  You're getting so strong , and really starting to look after yourself !   Did you resolve the " issue " ?  It sounds like you are helping yourself first !!      Go, girl   !!

[melanie]

P.S. I had to come back and report some good things so I don't sound so negative all the time, at least I feel that is how I am being, if that makes sense

 

*  I walked to a park yesterday that has a lovely view of the city and did some photography and now I get to play with them in photoshop

 

*  Cali and I have become much closer since everything blew up with D and whatnot. She has been very comforting (except this morning when she kept biting me to get my attention because it was her breakfast time and she was still in bed 

 

Hey Cali's Mom,

 

It's great to hear how functional you get! Those walks in the park, taking photos, cleaning your unit, wow!

 

Capturing those fleeting moments in your photos... Have you heard of a site called Flickr? It's for sharing photos...

 

Kitty would be a great support to you if your relationship with D. really were over...

 

If you feel alone in the night, you can sleep with your Kitty.

 

My Kitty sleeps with me, her head on my pillow. She sometimes strikes my forehead with her white paws. While my thumb was broken, she kept it in her paws, healing it...

 

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't get through those 3 years after the divorce. I wouldn't get through those 3 years at all.

 

I can relate to not being able to leave your unit when the depression hits. I read about it in one of your posts.

 

I'm following your thread... If I don't reply, that's because of how bad I feel. I tend to withdraw and isolate a lot when I suffer.

 

I will soon reply to your PMs, don't worry. You're in my thoughts all the time.

 

Our timezones are so different... It's late night in here and in Brissy it's early morning. The Sun never stops on its journey...

 

Brave single Mom to this beautiful, fragile Kitty. You must be strong...

 

Big hugs to you and keep healing,

 

Mel

[calithebold]

Ali

Yes I am really trying to do what is right for me and what I need. It feels nice, you've been in more thoughts a lot over the last few days. I hope you are okay. As for issue, still unresolved 

 

Mel

I do have a Flickr account already with a whole heap of photos in it that I've taken a long time ago. I have to update though so thanks for reminding me 

 

-----

 

Well I have some news to report. I was talking to my mum last night (she is a second highest pain nurse in the hospital she works in), well I said when I did my next taper, hopefully in a few weeks, that I had to figure out how to get the right dose of 10% reduction of my current dose.

She said "do you want to know how I would do it?"

"I know how I want to do it and I'm not changing my mind." me

"Okay, but will you just listen?"

"Okay."

She then explained how she makes the solution for drug addicts that come through her hospital to wean them from the drugs they have taken. So she had some very complicated drug calculations to do. I am going up there in the next two weeks and she is going to get a me a syringe and teach me how to do the solution and do the drug calculations. I thought she was going to argue with the 10% recommendation but she said I should do it how I want to do it and that she has no doubt the dr g will support me in this. Having a nurse on my side that wants the same thing, ie me getting off the drugs and she does want that as it has killed her watching me be drugged more and more and she can't stand dr k my old pdoc. I think if anything serious happened to me, not saying it will, but if it did I wouldn't like being in dr k's shoes.

 

Here's to a great Monday, well for me in Oz 

[calithebold]

D and I broke up due to his drug addiction. He still probably thinks we are on a break but I can't seem to get through to him. I want to stay friends with him and I've set some very strong boundaries with him. I feel so much happier. Cali is very happy being with me all day too. She's snoozing on the top of my recliner. Very cute. I feel like I am really on the right track finally.

[AliG]

 Good on you Cali.  

 

That sounds like the right move !   Don't cave !  Stay strong. I think you're on the right track, too . 

 

Thank you , for thinking  of me .  I'm fine. Pushing forward,  always.  No matter what !  

 

Love & hugs,

 

Ali.

[melanie]

D and I broke up due to his drug addiction. He still probably thinks we are on a break but I can't seem to get through to him. I want to stay friends with him and I've set some very strong boundaries with him. I feel so much happier. Cali is very happy being with me all day too. She's snoozing on the top of my recliner. Very cute. I feel like I am really on the right track finally.

Hi Cali's Mom!

 

You could always tell him... he could win you back if he does something about his addiction. Like going to some drug therapy or NA meetings. Just a long-term treatment. In the meanwhile, you remain friends.

 

Well, I just knew it had to do something with him doing drugs...

 

I remember you wrote about his smoking pot somewhere on your thread...

 

Addiction is a disease... He's not guilty of having it. And love can be stronger than addiction...

 

Take good care of that fragile tricolor creature... and of yourself.

 

Big hugs to you and the real Cali,

 

Mel

[calithebold]

Ali, I'm glad you are pushing forward no matter what, that's excellent and great to hear. It can be tough at times but you have been doing the best you can and I think you're doing a great job! I am glad that I am doing good too 

 

Mel, I tried to get D to do something about his addiction but he confused me by acting like he had agreed to see someone and then blew some boundaries. This was to start with but then I realised that he didn't mean he was changing things at all but wanted to 'find himself'. I am fine with him finding himself but.... he can't expect me to be available whenever he thinks that he no longer needs drugs (not likely) or wants to get back together because he's lonely  . I don't mean to sound so harsh towards him, it's just been so hard watching him do this to himself for nearly three years, if you know what I mean. Doesn't mean I love him any less. Of course not. But I need to look after me right now and I need to be as healthy as possible. Plus I have my little munchkin keeping me on my toes 

[calithebold]

Okay, so after D and I broke up, I just went about my normal daily stuff. Got a bit sad here and there but was okay. I had some things to do and went i came back there was a facebook message from D asking if we could talk. I said that was okay, but I was dubious. 

 

He firstly apologised and said he was a ass and he was. He then said he would get help. I was still dubious. I was very surprised then as we went downstairs asked for Paul (nurse/social worker) and spoke to him in private with me and he told him everything about everything. I was actually so proud of him as he did it in front of me. He asked for help and he got an appointment on Friday with a psychologist that comes here. He's been told though that if he doesn't follow through with this, we all know what's going to happen. I'm glad that he is seeking help though. 

[calithebold]

Saw my pdoc today and we talked about coiming off the lamictal. At first when I told him the WD symptoms he was very concerned and asked if I had ever had a seizure. I said no, never. He then looked up the WD symptoms and realised they were just that WD and said this to me. We then went back and forward for quite a while and he eventually he agreed to get to slowly taper every 6 weeks at 10% of the current dose until I get down to 150mg (I'm at 225mg right now) then stop for a bit.

 

He wants to make sure I'm stabilised and then I guess it's a reevaluation. I think it's a matter of convincing at the time and if it comes to the fact where he does not support me to continue, well I would have to get further help. The one bad thing was he gave me the chemical imbalance talk. I think though slow and steady wins the race. I'm not shooting for Mars, just getting off this stuff.

 

If I am super careful and ride through it as gentle as possible. He thinks I am still going through WD from last decrease and I actually agree as I am getting some tingling inside my head today. It doesn't hurt and it's not uncomfortable, just feels weird.

 

He wants me to wait another three weeks and then is fine for me to continue as long as all is ok. He is also happy for my mum to teach me how to the 10% decreases. I guess having a mum who's a nurse has really paid off. Feeling good about this

[AliG]

 Cali,

 

That's so great !   You are going to get there, and beat this thing !  You are getting so strong and so much surer of yourself, it's a joy to witness !!   Sounds like your Doc is possibly  a " good one ".   

 

Love & hugs ,

 

Ali.

[calithebold]

Hi Ali

Thanks for your kind words ☺

 

Well I wondering if things would work out with D but it wasn't meant to be. I'm sure those of you who've read the ongoing saga are sick of hearing it but apparently he lied when came clean the other day and in fact had no intention of doing anything about us and the drugs at all. So I asked him outight and he said that he wanted to be single but he loved me and I said, well you don't love me enough or you wouldn't keep doing this to me.

 

We were at this park/water (Southbank) area and we were going to get coffee and sit on the grass. I just said, I'm going to go now and I turned around and walked away. I am doing okay, of course I feel a little sad. That's natural. I'm luckily not having withdrawals anymore, so it's not going to make things any worse. I have lots to do to keep busy, like colouring and artwork. I have started a new story, probably not a short one this time as, I have way too many ideas, but at least it's fun and maybe a little frustrating lol.

 

I guess what it comes down to really is I okay, I'm happy and I'm busy. I have a friend he I have been hanging out with and she is lovely. So I also have company. Awesomeness! Off to have a good day but first I might have a snooze ;-)

[JanCarol]

"Stand - on hills of long forgotten yesterdays!"

 

Sorry, that's a Yes lyric, but it speaks to me of you standing strong on your own two feet - grounded, firm.  All you, self sufficient, grounded in the past of what you have been through, but standing firm for whatever comes next.

 

I just read this thread, here, and thought of you.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5744-asmr-for-some-people-it-relieves-stress-like-nothing-else/

warning:  could be dissociating.  But in a positive way.

[calithebold]

Hi Jan

Thanks for sending that link, it was very interesting. I am going to look into this more because there were several areas that did match what I do already but I would never have thought they had a name. Not sure though. It usually tends to be sound and touch that I think matches with me. When I get anxious, I look on my clothing for something that has a defined texture, like buttons, different types of cloth, raised areas and whatnot and I stroke it over and over until it calms me down. I don't know if you remember when I was doing DBT but I used to take my bunny Bella with me because she had very soft ears, textures on her face and I used to just touch her when I felt horrible. She got me through a lot. I carried her around with me. Lucky she was small  . As for sounds I have a recording of thunder and rain and I use it block other sounds out, however, on it's own with no sound I love it, it makes me feel so good and I can close my eyes and be right there with it. Not sure if that is one though. When it does rain though and I'm inside, it's very yummy 

 

Update, no change everything else. I have not made any effort to try and get D back this time. I am staying at a great distance and I believe that things will now get better for me without him in many ways. The thing that really sucks is that I do miss him, despite all he has done to me. I find that embarrassing. I'm going to make myself get out today, probably just to the city which is 5 minutes away for me, but still I might go and have a look around. I'll see how I go. A day of music and colouring sounds good too