DaveB: trying to stop a roller coaster year

[DaveB]

10 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

To be honest, I don't understand how your wife controls what you ingest, but that's between the two of you.

 

I understand your confusion for sure, it is not a good situation. I am a little concerned that my anxiety never really let up. 1st day without multivitamin and vitamin D was a really good day, today was probably one of the worst. Concerns me that my body may have actually liked those vitamins. What do you think? Give it a week and see how it goes?

[Altostrata]

Dave, please get Waves and Windows tattooed on your arm.

[DaveB]

36 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Dave, please get Waves and Windows tattooed on your arm.

 

Haha👍🏻

[RusTW]

I know sometimes we say MY anxiety other than THE ANXIETY. It's not who we are.its a condition that is our responsibility to understand and correct. If your going off the drugs it's in your best interest to confront and accept it.

You can stabilize and deal with the anxiety at the same time.Most of us relied on the drugs to fix the condition we already had.You can wait it out but if you don't address the anxiety you will always have it in one form or another.

Good luck

 Russ

[RusTW]

13 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Dave, please get Waves and Windows tattooed on your arm.

Alto You have a good sense of humor. Lol glad your there for us to minimize goose chases.

[JackieDecides]

19 hours ago, RusTW said:

know sometimes we say MY anxiety other than THE ANXIETY. It's not who we are.its a condition that is our responsibility to understand and correct.

 

this is very good. 

 

I am trying to distance myself from it - somewhere I read (here on SA?)  to say "I notice I am feeling anxious" rather than "I am anxious".   so I am practicing saying "I notice my heart is beating loudly and too fast" and then "I notice I am worried about my heart". and so on.

 

@DaveB I hope you see at least a little window and recognize it and appreciate it. thinking of you! 

 

 

 

[DaveB]

19 hours ago, RusTW said:

I know sometimes we say MY anxiety other than THE ANXIETY. It's not who we are.its a condition that is our responsibility to understand and correct. If your going off the drugs it's in your best interest to confront and accept it.

You can stabilize and deal with the anxiety at the same time.Most of us relied on the drugs to fix the condition we already had.You can wait it out but if you don't address the anxiety you will always have it in one form or another.

Good luck

 Russ

 

Thanks Russ, how have you been? You have been away for a bit, things getting better for you?

[DaveB]

4 minutes ago, JackieDecides said:

 

this is very good. 

 

I am trying to distance myself from it - somewhere I read (here on SA?)  to say "I notice I am feeling anxious" rather than "I am anxious".   so I am practicing saying "I notice my heart is beating loudly and too fast" and then "I notice I am worried about my heart". and so on.

 

@DaveB I hope you see at least a little window and recognize it and appreciate it. thinking of you! 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Jackie I hope so too. I had a good night last night, but a little bit of a struggle again this morning. “I notice I am feeling anxious!”

[JackieDecides]

2 hours ago, DaveB said:

Thanks Jackie I hope so too. I had a good night last night, but a little bit of a struggle again this morning. “I notice I am feeling anxious!”

me, too, not a good morning at all.  and "LOL" because it does feel silly at first. but, hopefully, it's a good habit to get in to: puts some distance between you and The Feelings. 

 

someone on the SA Facebook group (why do I not see any of those people here, and vice versa?) shared an app called "emotional calendar" where you can keep track of bad days and good. (I think it should include half days, too, many times I have a bad morning but an okay afternoon). 

I mention is because it is way too easy to forget you had a good night , later, when you are not having a good whatever. 

 

if that makes sense. 

Edited February 10, 2019 by JackieDecides
more stuff

[DaveB]

@JackieDecides yes it is easy to forget you had a period of good when it all feels so bad again. Really a tough day, seems like MANY people around here are experiencing lasting improvements, slowly but surely...while I continue to just ride the roller coaster, not ever feeling like things are getting better. Happy for others for sure, but not sure why it can’t be my turn at some point!

[DaveB]

Man, at some point it has to get better, right?!?!

[ChessieCat]

I think it's time you started learning distraction techniques.

 

I've noticed that you very often post about a symptom apart from your daily log.  Constantly focusing on your symptoms does not make them go away.  In fact it can make them seem larger than they are.

 

Be factual but don't get emotionally involved with them.   What Jackie said is really good.

 

Saying to yourself, ah yes, that is such and such withdrawal symptom, but at such and such a time it did improve and/or it is because of ... (withdrawal, my brain is trying to fix things).

 

Learn to sit with the discomfort.  I've been living through lots of really high temperatures over the last couple of months and I can only use my a/c when absolutely necessary because of the cost (I'm on a pension).  I notice a big difference in how I feel on those days depending on how I think about the heat.  And the same with not sleeping.  Continually saying oh I'm so tired, or so hot, or whatever, only makes me feel worse, because I am focusing on it.

 

I try to think, yes, I'm tired/hot, but of course I am because I didn't sleep well/the temperature is 40 C degrees.

 

Recognise, acknowledge and then get on with whatever you are doing as best you can.

 

I don't do it perfectly.  There are times when I think to myself I am so over this.  I'm human after all.

[DaveB]

 

@ChessieCat - I totally agree I know I should be better at this. In fact yesterday the anxiety was pretty bad in the morning but I just powered through, ignored it, and went about my day. And you know what, it got better without me even really noticing until later. Today is more of my “human after all” days...which I admittedly have much too frequently, I need to work on that. I have seen some improvements not related to the anxiety. No more face twitching and my IBS has actually seemed to settle a bit that last couple of days, so that is keeping me hopeful despite a tough anxiety day.

[ChessieCat]

The more we practise doing it, the more automatic it becomes.

 

If you find yourself getting down about how long things are taking, you could go back through your daily symptom notes and highlight  when you have felt better.  You could even extract them and put them in a list separate from the worse times so that you will have it to hand.  And add the amount of time too that you felt better each day, which will give you a positive list to refer to and you won't have the negative interwoven with it.

 

When we are in the thick of a bad patch, it can be very hard to remember that things have been better.  Like when we have the flu it feels like we will never be well again.

[DaveB]

Thanks @ChessieCat that is a great idea. Today has just been a solid wave with no windows, usually I get a least a couple hours here or there. I will persevere and hope for better days to come!

[ChessieCat]

Remember your "tattoo".

[DaveB]

I scheduled a meeting with my P-Doc to see what he thinks about all of this and where I am at. I don’t want more drugs or a switch, but I don’t know where else to turn at this point, something has to change!

 

I have got to be able to function for my work and for my family, and I am just not doing that right now. I don’t want to feel like a failure, I want off these drugs, but I want to feel well most of all!

[Tom37]

Completely understand your frustration but please dont go down the route of additional medication or changing current doses unless absolutely desperate.

 

Be prepared that you may be told it’s just your natural anxiety etc.

 

Time and self care are the only options it seems....as frustrating as it is.

 

I have seen improvements in myself but frustratingly slow and still feels like a way to go yet before I say I’m myself again. 

 

Just remember we all heal differently so if you have t seen improvements it doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen it just means you need more time. You will get there if you wait long enough.

[Altostrata]

3 hours ago, DaveB said:

I scheduled a meeting with my P-Doc to see what he thinks about all of this and where I am at. I don’t want more drugs or a switch, but I don’t know where else to turn at this point, something has to change!

 

I have got to be able to function for my work and for my family, and I am just not doing that right now. I don’t want to feel like a failure, I want off these drugs, but I want to feel well most of all!

 

Your daily notes indicate that you often "power through" symptoms and seem to have a normal day. Is that not what's happening?

 

Please let us know what this psychiatrist might recommend.

[DaveB]

2 hours ago, Tom37 said:

 

I have seen improvements in myself but frustratingly slow and still feels like a way to go yet before I say I’m myself again. 

 

Thanks Tom, the problem is after all this time (2 years) I still can’t say I have seen improvements. Hopefully they will come!

[DaveB]

2 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

Your daily notes indicate that you often "power through" symptoms and seem to have a normal day. Is that not what's happening?

 

Please let us know what this psychiatrist might recommend.

 

Yes I “power through” horrific mornings, that turn into barely manageable afternoons, that give way to nights where I pretty much feel normal.

[RachelSusan]

Good luck Dave. Please keep us posted as to what he/she says and what he/she suggests you do. 

Warm wishes,

Rachel

[Tom37]

I understand, I just want you to feel better and don’t want you to do anything out of desperation.

 

Hope the appointment goes well.

[DaveB]

11 minutes ago, Tom37 said:

I understand, I just want you to feel better and don’t want you to do anything out of desperation.

 

Hope the appointment goes well.

 

I know and you are totally right, I just don’t know how I can keep going through these mornings! Haven’t scheduled yet, we will see what we end up doing, probably a waste of time.

[Tom37]

You can keep it up....you have shown how strong you are by getting this far.

 

Don’t beat yourself up either for having a tough day about the whole situation and doubting yourself. I’m having a tougher day myself as fed up with the whole thing even though seen improvements and feeling bit better but it’s still so draining.

 

You will get through this and then life will be a walk in the park for you!

[DaveB]

@Tom37 - thanks Tom, I really appreciate your support and encouragement!

 

@Altostrata - would it be ok if I started taking the Paxil at night again? I have seen no change in symptoms or improvement by moving it to the AM. It is much less consistent and conveinient than when I just took it at the exact same time every night before bed.

[Altostrata]

17 hours ago, DaveB said:

 

Yes I “power through” horrific mornings, that turn into barely manageable afternoons, that give way to nights where I pretty much feel normal.

 

15 hours ago, DaveB said:

@Tom37 - thanks Tom, I really appreciate your support and encouragement!

 

@Altostrata - would it be ok if I started taking the Paxil at night again? I have seen no change in symptoms or improvement by moving it to the AM. It is much less consistent and conveinient than when I just took it at the exact same time every night before bed.

 

Dave, you might have Zyprexa hangover in the mornings. No, do not move the Paxil around again, what did we tell you about letting changes settle down?

 

What I see throughout your topic is that you never want to leave well enough alone. When things settle down a bit, you throw them into an uproar again, either by panicking yourself, posting urgently here, or probably doing the same at home.

 

Think about this habit of thinking, Dave. We have urged you over and over to be patient, but that is one thing you cannot seem to do. Do you really need constant attention as a suffering victim?

 

I hope you find this psychiatrist to be responsive to your needs.

[DaveB]

7 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Think about this habit of thinking, Dave. We have urged you over and over to be patient, but that is one thing you cannot seem to do. Do you really need constant attention as a suffering victim?

 

Ouch, I have kind of thought of me more as a struggling guy looking for support through a really hard time. I will try not to be a victim, thanks Alto.

[Tom37]

I guess it’s because everyone just wants you to get better and in the past you made changes when probably wasn’t the best thing to do which set you back quite a lot.

 

Patience is the key but it’s tough do be patient when struggling. I personally think holding and holding is the way to go as shown by so many people on here who have gone on to stabilise.

[DaveB]

8 hours ago, Tom37 said:

Patience is the key but it’s tough do be patient when struggling. I personally think holding and holding is the way to go as shown by so many people on here who have gone on to stabilise.

 

Yes, patience is my real struggle right now, I am trying to work on it. Hard to be patient when you wake to these cortisol dumps every morning where you feel your insides are on fire. Anyone with any idea why morning anxiety has ramped up to a very bad degree this week this far into a hold? It makes it very hard to feel confident in the process and to be patient.

[DaveB]

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

What I see throughout your topic is that you never want to leave well enough alone. When things settle down a bit, you throw them into an uproar again, either by panicking yourself, posting urgently here, or probably doing the same at home.

 

I see what you mean Alto, I guess my problem really is that I don’t feel things have ever really started to settle down, which is the reason I make (admittedly unwise) changes. I just want to feel better, and when you wake up to such high anxiety, it is really hard to be patient...but I am trying.

[RachelSusan]

Dave,

 

I can't answer your question as to why your anxiety ramped up this far into a hold, but it did happen to me as well.  However I continued to hold and I stabilized.  I know I am not you and our circumstances may or may not be the same, but I did want you to know that I experienced it as well so you know it is not an unusual thing to happen during this process.

 

You say you see no progress but last spring you did. You made a lot of cuts this last November and now in February you are suffering.  I went on a by the book decrease (but too much for my system decrease) in the spring of 2017, not nearly as steep as yours, and I felt it from July through November of 2017. I give you this information so you can use it as a point of reference.

 

How is it going on the home front?  Has it calmed down?  Do you share all about the process with your wife or do you just share highlights? 

 

Can you recall last December and January? How are things in February as compared to the last two months? You don't have to answer but I am trying to get an idea of where you are at.  I am wanting to understand how the last three months have gone for you in order to see what your trajectory is. I am curious if there are any similarities between what you are going through and what I went through.

 

I am rooting for you.  I am on your side.

 

Warm wishes always.

 

[Tom37]

It’s hard to know why you feel that you have got worse recently. It could be to do with all those changes or could be just the body hard at work trying to sort things out. Or could be a delayed response to moving your dose. I know during my taper I could get hit by symptoms 2 or 3 weeks after a drop. They were a walk in the park compared to actual wd but still happened. But either way it will eventually settle down.

 

Some times people notice that after a really tough period they notice good improvement to their baseline symptoms.

 

Try to look at the positives in that you seem to sleep really well which is huge in wd and if any changes are made that could change for the worse.

[DaveB]

1 hour ago, RachelSusan said:

You say you see no progress but last spring you did. You made a lot of cuts this last November and now in February you are suffering.  I went on a by the book decrease (but too much for my system decrease) in the spring of 2017, not nearly as steep as yours, and I felt it from July through November of 2017. I give you this information so you can use it as a point of reference.

 

How is it going on the home front?  Has it calmed down?  Do you share all about the process with your wife or do you just share highlights? 

 

Can you recall last December and January? How are things in February as compared to the last two months? You don't have to answer but I am trying to get an idea of where you are at.  I am wanting to understand how the last three months have gone for you in order to see what your trajectory is. I am curious if there are any similarities between what you are going through and what I went through.

 

I am rooting for you.  I am on your side.

 

Warm wishes always.

 

 

Yes, you are right Rachel, I did see improvements last spring, I wish I could go back to that! 

 

Home front isn’t great, I haven’t been able to hide it from my wife the last couple of mornings and that has made it really bad. She just has no tolerance for it, which is why I often come here to vent my frustrations. I need to work on that, seems I have done it too much and it is frustrating the moderators. 

 

Things were MUCH better in December than now, January was probably similar, though I felt I was getting some good days in January. Now my mornings are so bad (really just started this week) that I can’t classiy and day as good, regardless of how much better I feel later on.

 

Good to know you are rooting for me and are on my side, this is just so hard! I hate going to bed cause I know what is waiting for me on the other side.

[DaveB]

1 hour ago, Tom37 said:

Try to look at the positives in that you seem to sleep really well which is huge in wd and if any changes are made that could change for the worse.

 

That is part of the problem, is I am waking earlier now with intense anxiety. Used to be 7-7:30, now it is about 6AM. Funny cause when I woke at 4AM last night,  I felt ZERO anxiety and went back to bed no problem, then 6AM hits and it is like someone flipped a “pain switch” in my body.

[DaveB]

2 hours ago, RachelSusan said:

Can you recall last December and January? How are things in February as compared to the last two months? You don't have to answer but I am trying to get an idea of where you are at.  I am wanting to understand how the last three months have gone for you in order to see what your trajectory is.

 

 

Not a great trajectory, kind of just keep getting worse unfortunately.