Downbutnotout: Started a bridge to get off effexor

[Frogie]

1 minute ago, Downbutnotout said:

I promise you, I’’m not going to do anything stupid. I’ll just wait it out. I really should take myself to a mental health facility, but now I don’t have the nerve. 

I'm glad to hear that. That scares me.

 

Don't you see a therapist?

[Downbutnotout]

1 minute ago, Frogie said:

I'm glad to hear that. That scares me.

 

Don't you see a therapist?

Yes.

[Downbutnotout]

Don’t worry. I’m fine. 

[Downbutnotout]

Important: To a mod I became extremely unstable yesterday. . Very out of control. Felt very suicidal.

 

I almost didn’t take my beads today. Could the beads be causing this? Should I get off the beads? 

 

Has this ever happened before? 

Could thus be because I went from 6 to 8 . I was only on 8 for 2 days. This is my third day of being back on 6. 

 

I am not so panicked right now.

 

 

[Downbutnotout]

Bump

[Happy2Heal]

not a mod but I can tell you from experience that #1 you are going to have days/hours/minutes where you feel worse, it's just part of the process, and you often can't link that to anything you did or didn't do

and #2 you've been up and down in your meds recently, have you not? it takes time for things to settle down.

 

I'm sure a mod will weigh in when they are able to, but in the meantime, it might help to think of ways to handle those times when you feel that badly, rather than jumping to wanting to make adjustments in the beads you take, etc.

 

what can you do to distract yourself from feeling so down? are you doing 15 mins to a half hour of gentle exercise each day, like walking? it's esp helpful to do this early in the day, outdoors in the sun if you can.

 

Remind yourself to look up, no seriously! there's scientific proof that angling your gaze upward puts you in a better mood, lifting your head can literally lift your spirits.

 

these are small things, but do them as much as you can and they will help get you thru the tough times.

 

when we took these psych meds we were looking for the quick fix and now, we need to find the harder, but more long lasting ways to handle difficult feelings and mood states, etc.

 

it's harder now because much of what you're going thru is neuro emotions caused by WD, not your everyday normal emotions. believe me, I know. 

a lot of times, distraction and acceptance are your best friends.

 

you're going to be ok. 

does being with other people help you?

is there someone you can count on when you're feeling suicidal, someone who could be with you or at least keep in touch and check in with you?

[Downbutnotout]

Thank you so much for answering so kindly.  I’ve completely thrown out my life. I got really worked up yesterday. I was acting irrationally. I was very unstable. 

 

If I went to the hospital and told them this I’m sure they’d ect me and give me heavy drugs. 

 

I feel  I’m over the edge. This is not me. 

 

Im sure my neurotransmitters are really all over the place. The irritation, upset , and frustration all indicate it’s haywire. 

 

How can it still be wd when ive been off the heavy dose of Effexor since

October? .

 

I don’t know how irrationally you ever acted while recovering.  How bad did you get? Are there other people who were bouncing off the walls? 

 

People on here just describe getting over feeling terrible physically with anxiety and depression coming and going. I don’t have many windows. The depression is pretty consistent. I haven’t felt good emotions for months. Although I do feel negative ones. 

 

I never acted this this way before the meds  the doctor gave me months ago. It makes me so angry that she did this up me. And I paid for it. I trusted them. 

 

I feel like I’ve been completely destroyed. And going back to them for more is just as irrational as my behavior. 

 

yes, I have my husband but he’s getting physically sick because of me. I can’t keep doing this to him. 

 

I guess i have to make up my mind not to be sick. And stop thinking pills are the answer.

 

i almost put myself in the hospital yesterday. Very close. I’m thinking it’s the responsible thing for me to do? How can I destroy my family?

 

 I keep thinking maybe they can help me at the hospital. Then I think impossible.

 

i thought the pills helped me before. 

 

 I just want to feel normal again. 

 

I wish there was a place that bought into this philosophy. But there isn’t. If there was  I’d like to stay there for a month or until I felt secure. 

 

Again, I want to thank you for being so kind . 

[Downbutnotout]

13 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

 

 

you're welcome.

 

 

the tragic thing is that all these drugs left me disabled and medicaid paid for all those drugs.

They did balk at the 40 mgs of lexapro, but not until the state went a with managed care company to manage things. Before that, they paid for every single stupid Rx without question. I got heavier and heavier, my blood pressure went up,  I got GERD and went on drugs for that, I had sleep apnea and needed a CPAP machine, they paid for that, I had IBS (I believe is related to the drugs but I"m not 100% sure, it's gone now but I've changed my diet drastically)

I was on all kinds of drugs and they just kept adding more.

 

Since going off the lexapro, I"m no longer obese(I have a normal BMI( my blood pressure is normal (as long as I don't consume too much sodium) I don't need to take pain meds or prevacid or antihistamines (no idea why going off the lexapro also got rid of my severe allergies, but I'm happy about it) I don't need tranquilizers or meds for sleep, or heart meds etc.  In fact, I no longer see any drs, I hate them all. If I got injured and truly needed medical care, some sort of first aid, sure I'd go for that, but that's all. Most of my problems in the past were clearly diet related and now that I follow basically the "nutritarian" diet style I know that I"m going to be, and stay, healthy.

 

Many people on this forum have long lists of drugs like mine, just maybe not for so long a period of time. A few do, though, like Shep and others I can't remember their names right now.
 Throughout most of the past 4 decades, I believed what I was told, that I had a "serious mental illness". What that illness was, exactly, changed over the years as more drugs were added.

Criminally, I was given first generation anti psychotics when I was 18 and had a simple "adjustment reaction to adolescence" diagnosis. It was basically just a chemical restraint that the hospital gave all the teenaged and young adult patients. Keep us wild kids under control. :/

 

Later I was put on haldol, based mostly on the fact that I'd been on the previous anti psychotic, so "obviously" I must have had psychotic symptoms (I did not)

I was told that I was schizophrenic. Then, because I had strong emotions, they changed that to "schizophrenic, atypical type" and then "affective type" and eventually to "schizo- affective disorder"

and then they decided that no, I was bipolar!!  they added ocd, panic attacks, ptsd, agoraphobia, anorexia, and a host of other stuff. Oh yeh one doc said I had a paranoid personality disorder or some such thing.

 

and the explanation for the ever-changing diagnosis? they were perfecting their diagnostic skills as time went on. uh huh, sure.

 

Not that it was really all just bull sh*t to begin with. :/

it was, and is, so much BS it's not even funny.

it's criminal that they get away with this stuff.

 

 

 

Oh my goodness. You must have a very strong will to get past this. It does sound like you’d made up your mind it was bs when you got off the last one. What gave you that idea? 

[Downbutnotout]

Do I belong on this website?

[Frogie]

8 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

Do I belong on this website?

Of course you do. Why would you ask that? 

 

But I just asked myself the same question this morning. Lol...

 

You will make it just like me. I just went 1 step forward and 20 steps back. But I'm determined I'm going to beat this! And you will too.

 

Hang in there...

 

 

 

[Happy2Heal]

56 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

It does sound like you’d made up your mind it was bs when you got off the last one. What gave you that idea? 

 

psychiatric "illnesses" or "mental illnesses" do not actually exist, not in the way that, say,  diabetes, epilepsy, cold viruses, heart disease or cancer exists. They are very much "made up" illnesses. I suspected this for a long time but it was confirmed while reading several books and some online materials.
Not saying that mental distress does not exist,  of course it does. But they way this distress has been put into categories and labelled is very arbitrary and has a lot more to do with monetizing and profiting off illness and a lot less to do with any actual "illness" in the way that we understand physical illnesses that can be proven to exist with reliable tests, xrays, etc etc. 
You would never start treating someone for a broken bone and then suddenly decide, oops, nope we were wrong, you really have kidney disease instead and we're going to treat you for that now. Although there's a lot going wrong in the medical professions as well, that has more to do with profits than patient care. These are all industries now, they are not what they were once envisioned to be, almost sacred, healing professions. 

 

Read "The Book of Woe" - it's a dense book but well worth the time it takes to get thru it. My main objection to the book is it's repeated reference to our "suffering". I truly dislike that word and would prefer something that did not sound quite so dramatic and tragic.

 

but the book itself is a huge eye opener.

 

or you could take a look around this site: 

https://www.theinnercompass.org/about

 

Inner Compass is the work of Laura Delano, who was interviewed here:

http://www.wbur.org/commonhealth/2016/03/16/psychiatric-drugs-narrating-medicine

 

here is another perspective, I'm not sure I totally agree with this one, I need to think about it more, but it gives you another way of looking at the labels we've been given:

https://www.madinamerica.com/2018/01/mental-illnesses-arent-real-illnesses/

[Downbutnotout]

I suppose this is right. But then, what’s wrong with me? I’ve been in a lot of depressions. I’m in one now. It follows a pattern. I meet all the criteria: loss of interest in things, inability to feel joy, not feeling good feelings, etc. I wish I could make it go away. This one is very bad. I just want to lay down and do nothing else. 

[Happy2Heal]

you are in WD/recovery and not necessarily suffering any "clinical depression". it's most likely WD induced neuro emotions.

that said, if you feel like doing nothing but resting, If I were you, I'd listen to my body and rest. Let your brain heal, it needs time, good nutrition, rest, and things to keep it busy like reading, playing games, or doing puzzles, keeping social, stuff like that. gentle exercise never hurts either. but if you feel like doing nothing, do nothing for awhile. Of course you want it to end, we all want the process of WD/recovery to end and be over, but at some point you realize, it's just going to take time, and you find ways to accept where you are in the process.

 

remember that your symptoms are signs that your brain is busy doing the work to get you back to your pre-drugged state. it feels bad, but it's a good thing overall, ok?

 

depression used to be considered a self limited "disease", that is, regardless of what you did, it would go away on it's own in a short period of time (I think the max was 6 mos, but my memory isn't clear on this so don't quote me lol)

then they came out with all these drugs and suddenly, depression is extremely hard to treat and can last for years or forever...?!?!? really??

 

no one is saying that ppl don't feel down, or apathetic or whatever. but there are other ways to alleviate these feelings that don't include popping pills. and virtually all of those ways are better, more effective and safer than the pills. this has been proven time and time again. 

 

now back to you and your day to day life, what do you enjoy doing, or what did you used to enjoy doing? 

 

 

[Downbutnotout]

Because I don’t think I’m following the pattern of other people on here. I’ve been on here since October and I’m not finding much improvement. You, on the other hand, are showing steady progress. So are others. 

[Downbutnotout]

1 minute ago, Downbutnotout said:

Because I don’t think I’m following the pattern of other people on here. I’ve been on here since October and I’m not finding much improvement. You, on the other hand, are showing steady progress. So are others. This depression I’m in is not budging. 

 

[Frogie]

1 minute ago, Downbutnotout said:

Because I don’t think I’m following the pattern of other people on here. I’ve been on here since October and I’m not finding much improvement. You, on the other hand, are showing steady progress. So are others. 

I'm not showing steady progress at all. Im trying, but I've been doing this for over 2 years now. And I feel like I failed the last few days.

 

You can do it. You get out and see your aunt, sing in a chior. I don't do anything.

 

You are doing better than you think.

[Happy2Heal]

DBNO

 

you're going to find that the person who can help you the most is YOURSELF
 

we've been brainwashed into thinking we need shrinks and therapists and pills and interventions and treatments

 

we don't!

we simply need the tools to learn how to manage our difficult emotions

 

I just found this book called The Emotional Toolkit- it's written specifically for women. True it does mention therapy and drugs towards the end, the author afterall is a therapist and makes her living this way.

but most of the book is good solid advice!

I am glad I found it.

 

I'm finally up to the chapter on writing about feelings and such, I haven't done that yet. I don't know why I am so resistant to it. I think I may be afraid that someone will see what I wrote and judge me, I don't know

 

anyway, I got my copy second hand thru amazon and I'm glad I bought it rather than borrowed if from the library because it's a great resource, I will go back to it over and over again for tips and advice

 

do you like to read? I think there's a thread of useful books somewhere on this site, if not, there should be LOL

I'm gonna go look for it now

 

i'll post the link if I find it

[Downbutnotout]

1 hour ago, Happy2Heal said:

DBNO

 

you're going to find that the person who can help you the most is YOURSELF
 

we've been brainwashed into thinking we need shrinks and therapists and pills and interventions and treatments

 

we don't!

we simply need the tools to learn how to manage our difficult emotions

 

I just found this book called The Emotional Toolkit- it's written specifically for women. True it does mention therapy and drugs towards the end, the author afterall is a therapist and makes her living this way.

but most of the book is good solid advice!

I am glad I found it.

 

I'm finally up to the chapter on writing about feelings and such, I haven't done that yet. I don't know why I am so resistant to it. I think I may be afraid that someone will see what I wrote and judge me, I don't know

 

anyway, I got my copy second hand thru amazon and I'm glad I bought it rather than borrowed if from the library because it's a great resource, I will go back to it over and over again for tips and advice

 

do you like to read? I think there's a thread of useful books somewhere on this site, if not, there should be LOL

I'm gonna go look for it now

 

i'll post the link if I find it

 

[Downbutnotout]

I used to read all the time. I wish I could find the magic connection to get me better. This is so frustrating. I did believe that the  pills helped me. You’re telling me it was just a belief and they didn’t. I think it was just the placebo effect. I am not getting any pleasure out of life. My grandson is over here, and I used to enjoy him so much. Now, I’m just faking it, and all I really want to do is lay down and feel sorry for myself. Why? Why? 

[Downbutnotout]

I used to enjoy reading, singing, doing Zumba,everything. I had an incident where I was fired from a volunteer job surrounding all the arts in columbus, and I just couldn’t get over it. It’s tied to all the singing activities I did.  Now, I have given up all the arts I loved so much. If this wasn’t tied to everything I do, I could’ve put it in the background. I honestly have let it destroy me although there’s nothing I can do about it. I acted like a fool. I yelled at a vendor, didn’t listen and the next day they fired me. I just can’t forgive myself. Of course, it brought out other times I’ve been fired and acted like an idiot. It’s like I’m stuck and won’t let myself enjoy anything. The pills let me suppress stuff and that’s all coming out of course. I know I’ve had success to, but my brain won’t let me think about that. My self esteem is gone. I’ve considered killing myself over this and all the many failures I’ve had. I’ve considered killing myself over the fact that I may not get over this, and will stay like this for he rest of my life. . I’ve told two counselors about this. Then I took a zillion pills trying to forget it. They all made me act like a nut. Now I have that to feel guilty about. . It makes no sense. None. The guy called me in the back room and yelled apologize to me Marine style and it shook me up. This was 9 months ago. Anyone else would’ve gotten over it. I was ushering in all the theaters here for 10 years and loved it. A normal person would get over it. I just can’t. I’ve let it ruin my friendships, my family relationships and everything.I was willing to shock my brain over this. Try tms.  Every time I have a failure like this, I went into a gigantic depression. I’ve experienced depressions since i was 12 years old. Even before that. That was my coping style. Then I’d take freaking pills and I felt normal again. I started the pills when I was 42. I’m 67 now.  So, I think it’s a combination of taking those pills for so long, and then stopping them, and my life. I honestly used to have fun, enjoy my family, and loved exercising and doing things. I know this sounds so ridiculous. I know. But I do think not having the neurotransmitters there is really causing the depression. I’m sure there’s no dopamine. I had a pet scan of my brain 20 years and it showed the blood flow was not so good. Also, the tms didn’t work probably because it’s sparse up there. So, I keep thinking about that. . I was stable on these pills for many years. I’d give anything to go back to that. Like others on here, I’d give my right arm to just feel okay again and enjoy life. I don’t feel any positive emotions at all. None. I feel like I have aserious brain injury. I don’t think it’s a matter of wd symptoms. I wish it was. Do I believe there is such a thing as depressive disorder. It’s a stretch for me to believe there is no such thing. My father had it too. He died from it 

[ChessieCat]

  6 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

I don’t know how irrationally you ever acted while recovering.  How bad did you get? Are there other people who were bouncing off the walls? 

 

I think it would be better to start asking "how did you get through this?"

 

Edited March 18, 2018 by ChessieCat

[Downbutnotout]

I know what you think of me.  I get it. And you’re right. That would be a better question to ask. And I do realize this is a wd site. And probably the wrong place to put confessions and other stuff. The wrong place to work through stuff like this. I’ve been told, and I should really get it. The good news is I do feel a little better today. I’m not acting like an idiot like I did yesterday. My emotions were very awful yesterday. Whether or not that’s withdrawal, I don’t know. My random brain is making me very uncomfortable and scaring me. 

[Littlegrandma]

Hi D

you've got to stop beating yourself up. You can’t change the past. Don’t let one incident set the course for the rest of your life. I get it. I do. I’ve made so many boneheaded mistakes. I’ve had to do the walk of shame. But when push comes to shove, the only important things in this world is family and true friends. I understand you loved your job. Don’t let that define you. You are more than that. Your kids and grandson need you. Your husband needs you. This is starting to effect his health- you’ve got to let it go. You can get a job in another venue. It won’t be the same. No. But you can be happy all the same. 

 

And I do believe you’re depression is worse with wd, and dwelling on that one incident. I’ve had stupid things I did eat me alive. And that was pre- drugs, pre- withdrawal. You’ve got to get thick skinned. Let it go. In the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter. It’s done. You can’t go back. Don’t let it destroy your happiness for the rest of the time God has given you on this earth. 

 

Chalk it it up to unfortunate experience. There’s a big world out there waiting for us. Don’t let it pass you by. 

 

Hugs lg

[Downbutnotout]

3 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

Hi D

you've got to stop beating yourself up. You can’t change the past. Don’t let one incident set the course for the rest of your life. I get it. I do. I’ve made so many boneheaded mistakes. I’ve had to do the walk of shame. But when push comes to shove, the only important things in this world is family and true friends. I understand you loved your job. Don’t let that define you. You are more than that. Your kids and grandson need you. Your husband needs you. This is starting to effect his health- you’ve got to let it go. You can get a job in another venue. It won’t be the same. No. But you can be happy all the same. 

 

And I do believe you’re depression is worse with wd, and dwelling on that one incident. I’ve had stupid things I did eat me alive. And that was pre- drugs, pre- withdrawal. You’ve got to get thick skinned. Let it go. In the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter. It’s done. You can’t go back. Don’t let it destroy your happiness for the rest of the time God has given you on this earth. 

 

Chalk it it up to unfortunate experience. There’s a big world out there waiting for us. Don’t let it pass you by. 

 

Hugs lg

I know. I don’t know how I can do this? 

[Littlegrandma]

I wish I had the answer D. I used to be like that. But it caused so much anxiety in my life, it wasn’t worth it. That’s why, like I told you before, I had to make an amends list. Face people I thought I needed to apologize or at least talk things over with. I’ve been a worrier my whole adult life. I’ve realized that worry is a lot of trouble that never happens. I still over the top worry about my family. That is likely to never change. But I’ve let the past go. I’ve forgiven myself. I turned 60 last week. Don’t want to act like a 13 yr old girl anymore. 

 

And i I did have to give up a job I loved. I’m not ready to go into details. But it involved too much partying and an unhappy family. I was forced to quit and haven’t been able to face my old boss yet. But I don’t dwell on it.....anymore. Everything happens for a reason. 

 

Turn the page. Turn over a new leaf. Move on. You’re family and your own health are much too important. Time is fleeting

[Downbutnotout]

55 minutes ago, RealMe said:

Hi DBNO,

Yes, I have had a lot of difficulty relating to people when depressed and when in withdrawal.  When I am in a lot of pain, I either isolate or put on my Sarah Bernhardt (try my hardest to act pleasant regardless of how I feel).  If I can't act rational (sometimes too tearful or negative), I stay away.  I never get into arguments with people because I can't handle the stress.  Neither can people make me do anything I don't want to do or think anything I don't want to think; but that is just because at my age, I know I just have to do what I think is right no matter what other people think.  I was so docile about taking meds for depression.  I was an obedient patient, but I believed I was doing the right thing.   When that changed and I no longer believed drugs could help me, I stopped taking most of them (now down to 8.1 mg. of fluoxetine) and started listening to people who sound reasonable about my predicament.  I didn't really stand up to the doctor and therapist when they said I couldn't taper off.  I said what I wanted.  They said no.  I fired them.  No arguments necessary.

 

I am very fortunate that my husband has been very understanding and patient.  I would be in a real fix if he were not so tolerant of my moods.  He has mellowed quite a bit over the years.  Virtually none of my friends or family know or understand the WDs I am experiencing, either because they just don't or because I don't talk about it with them.

 

Have you read any of William Glasser's books?  I think he makes a lot of sense when it comes to dealing with troubling relationships.

 

Yes, depression is definitely an issue with me.  Sometimes my intrusive, negative thoughts are paralyzing, but they are not constant.  When they come, I think of them as "neuro emotions" which are described on this forum in great detail.  I try anything to cope with them.  I mean, anything.  Reading success stories, complaining on my intro, reading books, gentle exercising, meditating, television, mindless surfing on the internet, sleeping.

 

xo RM

 

 

Thank you so much. I didn’t have to work so hard at ever feeling good before. I just had my grandson over. I tried so hard to make him feel loved. I never had to do that before. I never had to try.  I am so scared this isn’t going to go away. That’s what my internist keeps telling me. She said, “try on the drugs, like you would if you were buying.a mother of the bride dress. “ She’s adamant that I can’t get over this depression without drugs. 

[Downbutnotout]

1 hour ago, Littlegrandma said:

Hi D

you've got to stop beating yourself up. You can’t change the past. Don’t let one incident set the course for the rest of your life. I get it. I do. I’ve made so many boneheaded mistakes. I’ve had to do the walk of shame. But when push comes to shove, the only important things in this world is family and true friends. I understand you loved your job. Don’t let that define you. You are more than that. Your kids and grandson need you. Your husband needs you. This is starting to effect his health- you’ve got to let it go. You can get a job in another venue. It won’t be the same. No. But you can be happy all the same. 

 

And I do believe you’re depression is worse with wd, and dwelling on that one incident. I’ve had stupid things I did eat me alive. And that was pre- drugs, pre- withdrawal. You’ve got to get thick skinned. Let it go. In the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter. It’s done. You can’t go back. Don’t let it destroy your happiness for the rest of the time God has given you on this earth. 

 

Chalk it it up to unfortunate experience. There’s a big world out there waiting for us. Don’t let it pass you by. 

 

Hugs lg

I know. I don’t know how I can do this? 

[wantrelief]

1 minute ago, Downbutnotout said:

Thank you so much. I didn’t have to work so hard at ever feeling good before. I just had my grandson over. I tried so hard to make him feel loved. I never had to do that before. I never had to try.  I am so scared this isn’t going to go away. That’s what my internist keeps telling me. She said, “try on the drugs, like you would if you were buying.a mother of the bride dress. “ She’s adamant that I can’t get over this depression without drugs. 

I just read this from RM's thread.  Good for you for trying with your grandson.  This is really scary and I completely understand your fears about it not going away.  I keep reading threads of people who are recovering well or the success stories to believe it will happen for us too someday.  That is the strangest analogy your doctor used about medication.....like these drugs are as benign as trying on a dress?!!  That really has to take the cake for an ignorant statement made by a doctor.  You are doing better than you think you are, DNBO.  Just trying with your grandson today is great.  I know it must feel really awful to have to try whereas before it was effortless but keep trying.  One day you will realize you are not having to try as much as you were until it becomes effortless and natural again.

[Downbutnotout]

Thank you so much lg. I know all this. But, my brain is just not connecting. Do you feel like you lost part of your soul and heart. That’s what I feel like. I feel like I died and all I have left is the shell. It’s definitely like a chemical lobotomy. I look at that video and I hope my brain is repairing itself. But I find it so hard to believe that it can possibly happen to me. I think I would’ve experienced more windows. Very few. 

[Downbutnotout]

36 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

I just read this from RM's thread.  Good for you for trying with your grandson.  This is really scary and I completely understand your fears about it not going away.  I keep reading threads of people who are recovering well or the success stories to believe it will happen for us too someday.  That is the strangest analogy your doctor used about medication.....like these drugs are as benign as trying on a dress?!!  That really has to take the cake for an ignorant statement made by a doctor.  You are doing better than you think you are, DNBO.  Just trying with your grandson today is great.  I know it must feel really awful to have to try whereas before it was effortless but keep trying.  One day you will realize you are not having to try as much as you were until it becomes effortless and natural again.

She’s a good doctor. She has obviously never taken drugs that made her act like a crazy person. Nor, has she felt like jumping out of her skin. I have to keep reminding myself this is what happened to me. I have to remind myself that the last few times was a disaster.  I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday. I need more trazadone.  The internist refuses to give me any drugs. She’s the one who gave me the effexor in the first place a zillion years ago. If I thought I could take something to get me out of this I would. But I think that ship has sailed. I was such a mess yesterday that I felt I needed to get medical intervention. I got very angry and hostile because I don’t see a solution. I was never like that before.  But then I know what they have to offer me. Zombie medicine, hyper medicine, etc. I just have to accept this. I’m starting to forget what the old me was like. I know I was nothing like this. I was a person that people were attracted to because I was fun. I did talk to someone who reinstated her medicine and went back to feeling okay. I was really jealous. 

[Kristine]

16 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

I know. I don’t know how I can do this?

Start with your breath. 

 

[Downbutnotout]

3 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

She’s a good doctor. She has obviously never taken drugs that made her act like a crazy person. Nor, has she felt like jumping out of her skin. I have to keep reminding myself this is what happened to me. I have to remind myself that the last few times was a disaster.  I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday. I need more trazadone.  The internist refuses to give me any drugs. She’s the one who gave me the effexor in the first place a zillion years ago. If I thought I could take something to get me out of this I would. But I think that ship has sailed. I was such a mess yesterday that I felt I needed to get medical intervention. But then I know what they have to offer me. Zombie medicine, hyper medicine, etc. I just have to accept this. 

 

3 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Start with your breath. 

 

Thanks. I used to meditate. Somehow, I can’t believe this is going to work. But I will try. I even have an ap on my phone that has a daily meditation. I used to really like it. But every time I try, I think about all the bad stuff. I’m afraid of feeling worse than I already do. I

[wantrelief]

6 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Start with your breath. 

This is a cute video, Kristine.  I read somewhere, where there is breath there is hope - or something like that. 

[Downbutnotout]

25 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

She’s a good doctor. She has obviously never taken drugs that made her act like a crazy person. Nor, has she felt like jumping out of her skin. I have to keep reminding myself this is what happened to me. I have to remind myself that the last few times was a disaster.  I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday. I need more trazadone.  The internist refuses to give me any drugs. She’s the one who gave me the effexor in the first place a zillion years ago. If I thought I could take something to get me out of this I would. But I think that ship has sailed. I was such a mess yesterday that I felt I needed to get medical intervention. I got very angry and hostile because I don’t see a solution. I was never like that before.  But then I know what they have to offer me. Zombie medicine, hyper medicine, etc. I just have to accept this. I’m starting to forget what the old me was like. I know I was nothing like this. I was a person that people were attracted to because I was fun. I did talk to someone who reinstated her medicine and went back to feeling okay. I was really jealous. Me too! Are the emotions like anger, jealousy, and frustration part of the seratonin receptor thing? I wish I didn’t have those. I always did, but I had plenty of the other good ones to balance it out. More of those. 

 

[Littlegrandma]

I too have had few windows in 10 mo. But this last week, with the exception of yesterday, has been a lot better. I wake every morning wishing that I was waking from a nightmare, just to realize it’s actually my life. Empty soul, empty head, but not empty heart. Even my reiki said my soul is depleted. Every day seems like a dream. The dp/ dr are extreme. I’m just going through motions that I don’t seem to be controlling. Nothing seems real. I live with nausea and headaches daily. Anxiety and depression. But...... though I’m terrified some days that this is never ending, I choose to believe that this will pass. That’s all I’ve got to hold on to. It’s what keeps me going. There’s too many success stories like Chia’s that H2H referred to. And H2H herself. 

And Alto, after being housebound for 4 yrs. And AliG. And brassmonkey. And Shep. 

I don’t think that AD meds are the answer. I never did. I let a psych sucker me into lexapro against my better judgement. It’s taken so much from me in the last 3 years. Time I will never get back. Not to mention the years I’ve still got to taper. 

 

There is no magic pill. I think you’ve found that out. They may have worked for a time, but you can’t “try on” anymore meds. They’re poison to you now. You’ve got to dig deep. Pull out that tool kit. You’ve got to look up!! Somehow you’ve got to put on your game face and put one foot in front of the other and march on. The depression isn’t going to magically disappear. You and I have to work at it. 

 

Im sorry you’re so down. I get it. I’m right with you. I want my life back also. I don’t want to go through the motions. I want to feel joy. It may not be this week or this year, but it will happen the further away we get from these drugs. 

[Littlegrandma]

28 minutes ago, Kristine said:

Start with your breath. 

 

That is great Kristine. So simple, yet so effective.