Nikki: hi, my rundown with ADs

[Barbarannamated]

About those voices in your head ... I read part of the book "The Untethered Soul" and one of the exercises was just to observe that voice in my head ... just watch it and let it chatter on ... don't engage it or talk back to it, just let it go ... and I realized (as the author, Michael Singer, points out) that I would NEVER take advice from that "person."

 

Another exercise was to give that voice a body and to spend the day with the "person." I didn't make it a day ... but I did spend several hours with her and I really didn't like her at all . It helped me get a perspective that I didn't have before. Now, I recognize her when she starts talking to me and I can ignore her - if you try to stop her, she will sneak up on you later.

 

Another exercise is to ask what does my head say I should do, and then listen or sense the answer - what does my heart say I should do, and again, listen or sense the answer and then what does my spirit say I should do ... if you can hear, it go with the spirit. When I tried this it was about whether to apply for a different job where I work ... my head said I should stay the course where I am and complete the current project, my heart said pursue the other job because it is in area that I have a passion for ... but I couldn't hear my spirit initially . So I kept doing the exercise daily and finally my spirit said to apply for the job and I did - I earned all the interviews and made the final two candidates - they still haven't made the hiring decision, but that doesn't have anything to do with my decision to go for it.

Karma

 

Great discussion! I've had trouble with heart vs. head for as long as I remember, with doomsayer, catious head being the consistent winner with messages of "don't get your hopes up". That was a theme in my family, a twisted form of protection from being hurt by disappointment, I think. Husband family was same. It easily morphs to "you aren't good enough/deserving of..."

 

Yes, always fighting those voices.

[strawberry17]

((((hugs Nikki))))

[tezza]

Thanks Tezza....where does that quote from from? "without hope, people perish".

 

 

Love you all

 

 

Hi Nikki,

 

That's found in the book of Proverbs 29:18

 

Hugs and love,

 

Tezza

[Nikki]

Another exercise is to ask what does my head say I should do, and then listen or sense the answer - what does my heart say I should do, and again, listen or sense the answer and then what does my spirit say I should do ... if you can hear it, go with the spirit. When I tried this it was about whether to apply for a different job where I work ... my head said I should stay the course where I am and complete the current project, my heart said pursue the other job because it is in area that I have a passion for ... but I couldn't hear my spirit initially . So I kept doing the exercise daily and finally my spirit said to apply for the job and I did - I earned all the interviews and made the final two candidates - they still haven't made the hiring decision, but that doesn't have anything to do with my decision to go for it.

 

Hope something here is helpful to you, Nikki.

 

Love and light,

Karma

 

 

I loved and appreciate all that you posted. This really hit me. I always thought in terms of head or heart....not spirit.

 

It is a joy for me to be able to come here, share and receive the collective wisdom and experiences.

 

Barb I think this is where all of the messages we tell ourselves come from.....Childhood is usually the Scene of the Crime

 

Many thanks.

[starlitegirlx]

Hi Nikki,

 

I hope you're doing better now. All those med changes had to be pure hell. The way these docs act as if interchanging them has zero effect as long as you're getting something is astonishing to me in one way but just goes to prove the point that the have zero clue about the pills they're peddling and the damages they cause. So sorry it's been a rough time on you. Hopefully things will smooth out soon. I remember reading about the committee. I have dealt with that committee. They are SOBs that feed us the worst and most false information. Liars. I think of them as lairs. Sure, some of what they say is true, but they use that little bit of truth to distort things in a manner that is pretty horrific and horribly terrifying. Squash the committee whenever you can. Nothing they do is good and nothing they provide is helpful.

 

I hope you are doing well and I hope financial things get better soon. Have faith. They will. Ebb and flow is the nature of all things unless we are actively blocking the ebb and flow. I think of it as energy of the universe. We don't realize we're blocking it, but if we're filled with fear all that energy is like a resistant force, I think.

[Nikki]

Just an update (I need to remind myself that things my be looking up).

 

I am fine now from the last drop in dose. Dreams gone, no symptoms at all. They are gone.

 

I do believe (for me) that financial insecurity can level me emotionally/mentally.

 

I have been looking for a part time job. Just for (2) days/week. Ordered Car Door Magnets, new cards, have been passing my cards around and I am looking into placing an ad (depending on the cost) in a periodical that goes to the wealthy communities in this area.

 

I read that the antidote to helplessness and hopelessness is taking action. Now that I have settled down, I don't want to throw in the towel on my original goal.

 

In two weeks I do have to make that trip to the Courthouse. I am trying to keep myself busy thinking about other things. Sadly, once again he told my daughter he does not want her in his life. He does this usually once a year. It is a devastating thing to hear. He is a very sadistic person, who takes pleasure in hurting and tormenting people. His behavior has digressed terribly over the years.

 

She is seeing a Psych this week. The imipramine doesn't seem to be hitting the mark, and her anxiety level is way up there. I only hope he isn't another one of those lunatics who over prescribes. I asked her to tell him everything, and I hope he recommends therapy and Al-Anon. And above all that she listens.

 

I have been listening to the one Meditation CD that I have every night, and I think it is helping. Amazon has used CD's that I would like to purchase (Wayne Dyer) has some I'd like to listen to.

 

I am anxious to get the court issues behind me, get busy working, losing some weight, having my daughter feel better.

 

God Bless my mother....I didn't ask her for money, she gave me $1,000 which was a tremendous gift.

 

Oh one last thing - medication - coasting at 30mgs. Celexa and 30mgs. Imipramine.

May just remain here until after the holiday season. Holiday season gets me down.

 

Hugs to all

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

I just posted this Holmes Rahe Stress Scale of life events for Tezza and thought it might resonate with you, also. I don't know how this is used or viewed by professional, but I've referred to it over the years as a reality check of sorts. Some things that are thought to be good are actually very stressful (vacations, holidays). In my opinion, the timeframe should be much longer than 1 year. I don't agree with the placement of all of the items..

 

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale#section_3

 

To measure stress according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, the number of "Life Change Units" that apply to events in the past year of an individual's life are added and the final score will give a rough estimate of how stress affects health.

 

Death of a spouse 100

Divorce 73

Marital separation 65

Imprisonment 63

Death of a close family member 63

Personal injury or illness 53

Marriage 50

Dismissal from work 47

Marital reconciliation 45

Retirement 45

Change in health of family member 44

Pregnancy 40

Sexual difficulties 39

Gain a new family member 39

Business readjustment 39

Change in financial state 38

Death of a close friend 37

Change to different line of work 36

Change in frequency of arguments 35

Major mortgage 32

Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30

Change in responsibilities at work 29

Child leaving home 29

Trouble with in-laws 29

Outstanding personal achievement 28

Spouse starts or stops work 26 Be

Begin or end school 26

Change in living conditions 25

Revision of personal habits 24

Trouble with boss 23

Change in working hours or conditions 20

Change in residence 20

Change in schools 20

Change in recreation 19

Change in church activities 19

Change in social activities 18

Minor mortgage or loan 17

Change in sleeping habits 16

Change in number of family reunions 15

Change in eating habits 15

Vacation 13

Christmas 12

Miinor violation of law 11

 

Score of 300+: At risk of illness.

Score of 150-299: Risk of illness is moderate (reduced by 30% from the above risk).

[Nikki]

Thanks Barb....

 

I would have given more points for things like "moving". Basically everything is on there.

 

I've been busy so I haven't been on the site too much....Hello everyone

 

I am at 30 mgs. Celexa and 30 mgs. Imipramine and doing well.

 

I know I sound like a broken record (I won't mention it again - promise), but I am feeling the benefits of Stress Reducing Meditation and Mindful Meditation. I don't know if this can be done while in a bad spell of WD. However, when the bad wave passes it might be doable.

 

I found out about Walking Meditation....It is done basically by stretching. Will check it out.

 

Business is better too. Still looking for a two day part-time job, and to be honest, thinking about working for an organization makes me crazy. I really prefer to be on my own where I am treated with dignity and respect.

 

If I do make another drop it will have to be after October 15th which is the court date with my former spouse. The meditation is helping with worrying less over what I can't control.

 

Hugs everyone.....

[Nikki]

Hi guys...

 

Need to talk. Have not been well, emotionally, mentally. Burn-out. Has nothing to do with meds. Or at least I think not. I haven't changed anything.

 

I am in a pit and I am struggling not to have a nervous breakdown. I am having a huge meltdown. I am doing everything I need to do each day. Looking for a part time job (which I believe is stressful).

 

Still working at my own business. Having serious emotional issues with that. wondering if I should just look for a 'regular' full time job.

 

Money is scary.

 

Court is on Monday....can I vent here please. My life is unmanageable once again due to this person. He is the most sadistic person I have ever met. He enjoys tormenting people and is very crafty at how he does it. He is rageful and full of hate.

 

He is tormenting my daughter terribly. It is mental abuse. She is going to see a psychiatrist to talk about things and possibly get another medication.

 

I can't list all of the details of what this person does. It would take forever. but it's deep stuff. I was emotionally. mentally, verbally and financially abused by my former spouse and the cycle is continuing with my daughter.

 

Not sleeping, my thoughts are not good, stressed out by my own life. Choices I've made.

Where I am and where I will be. Earlier in the week I told my mother that I wish I were dead. I scared her and she wants me to go back to counseling. I said my problem is money and the non-stop abuse from the ex.

 

I lost everything, and I am trying to rebuild to give myself a good life. That was my intention. It gets convoluted and there are setbacks. I can't seem to get ahead.

 

I know others have had the idea of "I wish I were dead". "I can't go on anymore, what's the point" type of thinking and I have been there for two days.

 

I am praying and meditating alot. I am confused and scared about where I am in my life and if I can improve things. Feel like the world's biggest loser and can't seem to infuse positive thoughts.

 

Please write back....

[tezza]

Hi Nikki,

 

God bless your heart. You are a very precious person. I don't understand why we go through these bad things and it doesn't seem fair. Please know that you are not alone, we are all here for you to offer support, reassurance and love.

 

Your ex is the loser. He must be so miserable with himself that he wants to make others miserable too. Misery loves company. He will ultimately get what's coming to him. I'm not wishing it on him, it's just bound to happen. My daddy always said, "What goes around, comes around". Karma, if you will...that's what it really means, I think. Still, it doesn't make sense that good people go through bad things but just imagine how very bad it's gonna be when the bad do get paid back. Like I said, it doesn't seem fair to the good hearted ones like you.

 

Hope things start looking brighter for you soon.

 

Lots of love and BIG HUGS!

 

Tezza

[strawberry17]

He's a bastard

 

You sound overwhelmed. You are absolutely NOT the worlds biggest loser, you have integrity and self respect and you're doing great.

 

Thinking of you and your daughter, I would put a heart in here as well but don't know how to.

[Nikki]

Tezza you are a Georgia Peach Strawberry, you called it. In Italian he is a 'bastardo.'

 

Work is coming in and I can't seem to latch onto the positive stuff. I really took a big hit in terms of lost income over the past two months. About $700-$750 less a month.

 

I still believe I have what it takes to be a good business woman and to make my business soar, however, it is not soaring fast enough. It was fine while I had the extra money, not it's not fine.

 

As far as meds go, I haven't changed a thing and it's okay. I wouldn't dare change right now, probably not till after the holidays.

 

My fear, worry, depression, lasts the entire day. Even if I am enjoying something, it is circling over my shoulder.

 

Missed all of you, but I was in a tizzy looking for a part time job.

 

Hugs.

[Barbarannamated]

Thinking about you, Nikki. I know you have what it takes for business.

 

I'm sorry your ex is making life miserable for you and your daughter. Hopefully you'll be able to see the light after next week.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[Nikki]

Court this morning. Worried big time.

 

Can't take anymore losses.

[Barbarannamated]

I hope it went ok, Nikki.

 

Thinking about you.

 

{{HUGS}}

[Nikki]

Barb it went well. I do not owe him money. He owes the Florida County Clerk's Office money.

 

He has not paid the processing fees for the last two years. Each time a payroll deduction is make and a check is sent to me the fee is $5.25 or in my case $10.50 a month.

 

He came in with a business shirt with the name Miami Management, Inc. This was the outfit he had been working for. He wanted to Judge and myself to think he still worked there.

 

The judge asked him where he was working....no answer....she asked him for a pay stub...no answer. I raised my hand and said Your Honor he was working for Miami Management and if he is not I would like to know where he is working. So the judge asked him again and he told us.

 

He is a very dishonest person. Now that I know where he works and he is probably making much more money "I can take his ass back to court for a change, and request more alimony". And let him sweat bullets.....

 

thank you for asking.....sound a little bitter don't I

[Barbarannamated]

Good job!

 

I suspect the Judge appreciates your input, too.

[Skyler]

Yes you do Nikki, and it's good to hear. Your husband is a first class scalawag and cad. Something you well know.. he never deserved you, but LOL, if you get your way and the alimony is again adjusted upwards.. he would get a well deserved comeuppance. Way to go. You kept your cool.

[Nikki]

scalawag and cad,comeuppance....like it

 

I call him (on a good day) Scoundrel

 

 

Soooo tired today....I didn't sleep last night. Too wired. Still feel wired and tired at the same time.

 

I guess it's called crashing

[xDebbiejo]

Hi nikki

 

I've not been around a lot lately but you do sound so much better now the court day has been and GONE YAY!

 

I'm sure you will do just fine

Sorry too to hear about your daughter.

 

I wish you both prolonged happiness! You so deserve it x

[Nikki]

Thank you DJ

 

I actually started a part time job yesterday at TJMaxx. Not where I really want to work, however it is only for about 15 hours a week. That's all I want. I gave them the days I can work which will not interfere with my business and that was okay....

 

Basically Sundays and Mondays.

However this morning I was in receiving and I really liked it.

It was quiet, pleasant, nice music playing and I found myself immersed in what I was doing.

It is morning work only.

 

I did that and then came home changed, went to one of my clients and finished for the day.

 

To be honest we talk alot on this site about the DREADED MORNING ANXIETY AND having to get up and out the door in a set amount of time, does not leave much time for anxiety.

This is good for me.

 

SOooo I asked the Manager in Receiving if I might be able to work there. I wouldn't mind doing that in the AM and then scheduling my clients for the early afternoons.

 

Just a thought ~ things change every day as we know all too well. My problem is I think too much.

 

Work is good for me. I would go absolutely looney without it.

 

Looked into advertising my business and prices for advertising have come down....hip hip hooray.

 

Good Lord I want to pursue my business, make TJMaxx eventually fade out as my business increases.

 

Is everyone's life a roller-coaster these days ~ or ~ is it just me

 

 

Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

TJMaxx - love! Marshall's, too.

 

Sounds great, Nikki.

 

Looney without a job - yup.

[tezza]

Hi Nikki,

 

I'm riding the roller coaster too! I think most of us,here, are as well. I really admire those of you that are working, I miss that so much. You are very strong and you're going to get through this and be better for it.

 

You've had an awful lot to deal with lately and you've held up really well through all of it. Things will get better. Don't lose hope.

 

Love you a bunch!

 

Tezza

[Barbarannamated]

Fondly remembering my days working retail management during college. That was a fun, social job.

[Skyler]

I live in RI... home to TJ Max and Marshall's. Used to be the best kept secret, now the word is out they charge more!

[Nikki]

Yes...there is a designer section or runway section where the shoes are upwards of $300.

 

I am a high heel kind of girl, mad about shoes, but I don't dare touch them at that price.

 

My new mode of living is called "minimization". I wonder if this can become a trend???

 

Hugs

[areyouthere]

 

To be honest we talk alot on this site about the DREADED MORNING ANXIETY AND having to get up and out the door in a set amount of time, does not leave much time for anxiety.

This is good for me.

 

SOooo I asked the Manager in Receiving if I might be able to work there. I wouldn't mind doing that in the AM and then scheduling my clients for the early afternoons.

 

 

This sounds like a great plan. What did the manager say?

 

You sound so good.!I am so glad that things are falling into place for you!

[Karma]

Hi Nikki,

 

I'm so glad that court worked out for you. Very exciting that you started a new part time job - that will give you a little breathing room on the financial front.

 

I know what you mean about having to get up and be somewhere in the morning ... I find if I do have morning anxiety then I just move through it because I'm trying to meet a commitment and by the time I meet the commitment, the anxiety has passed. Not the best way to live, but it works for awhile until there is enough healing that there is no longer the AM anxiety.

 

I hope things continue to improve for you.

 

Love and light,

Karma

[Nikki]

Thank all...

[Nikki]

Hi folks.....

 

Engaging in worrying and fear. Sat in it, brought it up and then tried to let it go and have some faith.

 

It isn't medication, it's is my life and situations in it. Wouldn't dare change doses.

 

I am working part time. However my heart is in 'my business'. Need to acquire more clients, particularly full time residents. Will be placing an ad in the Palm Beach Daily News.

 

If you have any ideas on how to further promote a business.........please tell me.

 

Looking for input and advise

 

I value your opinions....Hugs

[Nikki]

I think, but I am not sure how long I have been at 30mgs. Celexa & 30mgs. Imipramine.

 

Could be since July?

August?

 

Not sure.

 

Would like to make another drop in dose, but of course comes the worry over WD.

 

I guess it would be better to wait until I have finished learning my part time job.

 

These drugs have messed with my ability to remember and learn. And that is a concern.

Wouldn't bother me if I were just working my business, but I am in an Orientation Stage at TJMaxx and I will be learning the Cash Register which will require my attention and memory.

Alot to remember.

 

Hugs

[Altostrata]

Hi folks...

 

I made the second reduction a few days ago. Not bad at all. Of course, there was insomnia.

And my appetite or cravings for sugar was elevated.

 

So now I am at 30mgs. Celexa ~ 30mgs. Imipramine.

 

I dropped the Celexa from 40mgs. to 35mgs. to 30mgs. while increasing the Imipramine.

 

Before a reduction I raised the Imipramine for a week or two, then dropped the Celexa.

 

This is working and I am not experiencing WD. Totally amazed.

 

My goal is to get down to 20mgs. of less of Celexa which worked well for me for depression, and to stay on Imipramine for the anxiety.

 

Who knows....maybe I can get off Celexa altogether someday...for now this is what I am doing, and it's working. Thank Goodness

 

This is from Sept. 2.

 

Perhaps you should think in terms of 1mg decreases in Celexa.

[tezza]

 

These drugs have messed with my ability to remember and learn. And that is a concern.

Wouldn't bother me if I were just working my business, but I am in an Orientation Stage at TJMaxx and I will be learning the Cash Register which will require my attention and memory.

Alot to remember.

 

Hugs

 

 

Nikki,

 

You can do it!! Congrats on your job!!

 

Hugs

[Barbarannamated]

Nikki,

 

This is the woman/organizing company I mentioned in another thread. Just fyi.

http://www.psorganizing.com/

[Nikki]

Thanks Barb...will read

 

In ER today with daughter. UTI from hell, possibly passed a kidney stone. She is feeling better.

 

Gave her Levaquin (Cipro did not work). Waiting for culture results. Pyridium and Vicodene.

 

I have had both and been in the ER. Only place to be to get relief.

 

My mother and my daughter are a Tag Team. Pray for me

[Skyler]

In ER today with daughter. UTI from hell, possibly passed a kidney stone. She is feeling better.

 

Gave her Levaquin (Cipro did not work). Waiting for culture results. Pyridium and Vicodene.

 

I have had both and been in the ER. Only place to be to get relief.

 

My mother and my daughter are a Tag Team. Pray for me

 

Nikki, I'm sorry to hear of the problem with your daughter and hope she is feeling better. If I posted the following previously (I did in response to someone here..), please forgive the intrusion? I read of your daughter's travail as if it were my own. I was going to the ER for the same issues about once a year. If it was not a UTI, it was a kidney stone. My doc now lets me keep the following scripts on hand: For a UTI..antibiotics, (a sulpha drug works for me). For a kidney stone: 4 caps of Flomax, one q4h to dilate the urethra so the stone can pass more easily (that's what they give in the ER), and an antiemetic suppository (compazine). I used the antibiotics once.. those UTIs can flare VERY fast, and Flomax also oncer. I have not used compazine as yet, this prescribed to keep me from non stop barfing due to pain caused by renal colic.

 

I hope your daughter is sleeping off the whole experience now...

~S