j1290: gets off the Wellbutrin and on with life!

[Addax]

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm feeling a little wrung out but I should be through the worst of this.  

I hope the worst fades from your memory quickly. Bumps suck, but it sounds like you’re aware it’s a bump in the road and not THE road.  It’s quite a feat to remain aware of the temporary nature of symptoms when waves hit. So often, during waves, we end up convinced they won’t end… as you know. So it’s really great you’re recognizing what you’re feeling is temporary. 

[j1290]

7 hours ago, Addax said:

So it’s really great you’re recognizing what you’re feeling is temporary. 

Honestly if it weren't for our discussing the subject I'd probably be panicked 😆😆😆😆

It's drummed into me that this too shall pass, even if I don't really believe it at the moment 🤣

7 hours ago, Addax said:

It’s quite a feat to remain aware of the temporary nature of symptoms when waves hit

It's so freaking hard.  I'd like to think it's getting a little easier each cut, or at least different.  I'm just keeping it moving and sooner or later I'll get to zero.  One day soon!

[Catina7]

9 minutes ago, j1290 said:

I'm just keeping it moving and sooner or later I'll get to zero.  One day soon!

 

That's the spirit my friend.  Keep plugging along the best you can.  You are an inspiration to others! 🌺

[j1290]

DAY 17 Heavy head and weirdness, pressure, light headache

 

On the mend!  Much improved today.  Still that deep, dreamlike brain activation(healing?) going on, but much less hungover feeling and headache and pressure are uncomfortable but nothing requiring additional meds or anything.  Looking back at the last 3 cuts I needed meds on day 17 each time, but not this one, so I'll appreciate it without expectations, because who knows what tomorrow will bring.    I'm sure not complaining, though.  If the next few days were light headache wise, that would be a reallly nice thing.   

 

I was just daydreaming about getting to zero today.  That last cut, you just stop taking meds altogether.  That's such a wild idea I can't even imagine.   Fun to think about.   

 

6 hours ago, Catina7 said:

That's the spirit my friend.  Keep plugging along the best you can.  You are an inspiration to others! 🌺

Thanks @Catina7!  One of these days, we'll both get to the end of this.  I'd say we'll look back and laugh but honestly I don't expect to look back 🤣🤣🤣

[Thorin]

On 7/8/2023 at 4:22 AM, littlebird said:

Honestly, some of the best laughs I've ever had are about the worst experiences, usually in trauma groups! Get a bunch of people who so get it together, and there are gonna be some dark jokes flying around the circle. Just like on here! We find the fun in the med-hell.

So I thought I didn’t have this but a friend of mine just had a heart attack and I realised my sick twisted mind had been thinking of her as the ‘tin man’ (needs a new heart). I love her to bits and am quite worried about her so felt a bit bad when I realised I was thinking this. I did snigger to myself at how dark it was though…..

 

On 7/8/2023 at 4:22 AM, littlebird said:

I miss trauma groups tbh! All the ones around here are full up with waiting lists. Might be worth looking into? There are so many of us with humor as a coping mechanism, find us and let's laugh in the face of horror!

Man i imagine a few drinks with you when you’re in the right mood is hilarious! I’d like to try it out some time!

 

On 7/8/2023 at 4:22 AM, littlebird said:

I've heard therapist-friends talk to each other about making their patients cry (in a good way, like helping them release and breaking through to emotions), and I guess my reverse-uno version of that is making my therapist laugh. If I can make them laugh so hard they need to wipe away tears because of a throwaway joke I didn't even think about before saying? Then I won therapy.

Won therapy 😂😂😂😂 I love it! I want to see my therapist snort with laughter. I was in tears one day. Really really raw after facing something really hard and she said something and I just started laughing. It was one of the best laughs I’ve ever had. That woman is a legend. I hope you get one like her LB.

[FeralCatman]

3 minutes ago, Thorin said:

On 7/7/2023 at 2:22 PM, littlebird said:

 

So I thought I didn’t have this but a friend of mine just had a heart attack and I realised my sick twisted mind had been thinking of her as the ‘tin man’ (needs a new heart). I love her to bits and am quite worried about her so felt a bit bad when I realised I was thinking this. I did snigger to myself at how dark it was though…..

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that dude it's just a thought and it's certainly doesn't mean you don't care because you obviously do. Having a dark sense of humor is something that people who have been through craziness use to cope and it's the same in the military. My veteran friends are sometimes easier to talk to because they have that Dark Twisted sense of humor that comes with military service. So don't feel bad at all I do the exact same thing and I never feel guilty about it it's just the way my brain works and copes and it's the same for you. 😉✌️😺😺

[FeralCatman]

I would say in that situation that thinking of the Tin Man is actually a sign of creativity

 

[Thorin]

8 hours ago, FeralCatman said:

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that dude it's just a thought and it's certainly doesn't mean you don't care because you obviously do. Having a dark sense of humor is something that people who have been through craziness use to cope and it's the same in the military. My veteran friends are sometimes easier to talk to because they have that Dark Twisted sense of humor that comes with military service. So don't feel bad at all I do the exact same thing and I never feel guilty about it it's just the way my brain works and copes and it's the same for you. 😉✌️😺😺

Thanks man. I appreciate that. It’s good to get those thoughts out .

[j1290]

DAY 18  3/10 headache, pressure, etc.  

 

I'm doing better than the last couple days, but still recovering.  Got that deep brain/dreamlike activation or whatever going on.  I racked out today and slept so hard.  Pshew.  Headache has varied from very light to tolerable.  Day 18 is one of my better days, approaching WD Normal.   Having better mental clarity today and feeling some emotions and memories that I normally wouldn't have, which is pretty cool.  Having less of that lightheaded feeling that ADs gave me that bothered me so much.  I'll keep on, keeping on.

[Thorin]

19 minutes ago, j1290 said:

DAY 18  3/10 headache, pressure, etc.  

 

I'm doing better than the last couple days, but still recovering.  Got that deep brain/dreamlike activation or whatever going on.  I racked out today and slept so hard.  Pshew.  Headache has varied from very light to tolerable.  Day 18 is one of my better days, approaching WD Normal.   Having better mental clarity today and feeling some emotions and memories that I normally wouldn't have, which is pretty cool.  Having less of that lightheaded feeling that ADs gave me that bothered me so much.  I'll keep on, keeping on.

Doing well it seems, if still pretty uncomfortable. Great to hear there’s less of the lightheadedness. I struggle to handle that symptom. Keep on keeping on!

[j1290]

3 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Great to hear there’s less of the lightheadedness. I struggle to handle that symptom. Keep on keeping on!

Hey!  Big T!  What's going on man?!?   How are you feeling these days?  Still a-symptomatic?   

I don't think the term light headedness even does it justice, but whatever that elevated feeling is called really irked me.  It's not gone, but defo less.  This is a heckuva ride but so worth it.  I'm so glad I've done this.   

[Thorin]

59 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Hey!  Big T!  What's going on man?!?   How are you feeling these days?  Still a-symptomatic?   

I don't think the term light headedness even does it justice, but whatever that elevated feeling is called really irked me.  It's not gone, but defo less.  This is a heckuva ride but so worth it.  I'm so glad I've done this.   

Hey man! I’m doing ok. Nah I’m not asymptomatic. Still changes going on in the old noggin and in the way I feel my emotions. Still getting more and more access to emotions but I’m getting more used to it. Whatever the dizziness and stuff is I’ve been getting since April is still there but I’m ok in general…. Been getting morning cortisol spikes again for a while as well but it’ll pass eventually. If your lightheadedness is anything like my dizziness it’s pretty hard to tolerate but what choice do we have? I’m having a med check up atm to see if it could be anything else. That old chestnut. We’ll see how it goes. Are you getting out in the summer Sun at all? Seeing the squirrels and cat?

 

Man I’m so glad I’ve tapered as well. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve done and it’s far from finished. But I feel like a human for the first time. Which is not always easy 😂. It’s been hard to see the path in front of me but nevertheless things have slowly improved. The trust and faith that this is the right path is slowly paying off!

 

keep at it man! You’re doing well!

[j1290]

1 minute ago, Thorin said:

Still changes going on in the old noggin and in the way I feel my emotions.

Oh wow man I didn't realize, I thought things were chill. 

2 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Been getting morning cortisol spikes again for a while as well but it’ll pass eventually.

Those things are freaking brutal.  No way to start the day, are they? 

3 minutes ago, Thorin said:

If your lightheadedness is anything like my dizziness it’s pretty hard to tolerate but what choice do we have?

Well, exactly.  That's all this AD stuff in a nutshell.   My dizziness has improved, everything has improved as I taper.  Just not fast as I'd like.  

 

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’m having a med check up atm to see if it could be anything else. That old chestnut.

LOL yeah I've had a few of those.  That said, I never regretted having it done.  Better to have more information than less.  

 

7 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Are you getting out in the summer Sun at all? Seeing the squirrels and cat?

I've been getting out enough to get some sun, evidently.  Just noticed the other day that I've got a farmer's tan going on.  I've been looking for park critters, I don't know where they're hiding out.   I need to work around their schedule I think.   

 

8 minutes ago, Thorin said:

But I feel like a human for the first time. Which is not always easy 😂

I couldn't have said it better.  I had no idea what I'd given up when I took those pills.   Ugh, yeah I hear you, being human is not easy at all.   I guess if I wanted to have all "up" days I'd take more pills 😁😁

10 minutes ago, Thorin said:

The trust and faith that this is the right path is slowly paying off!

Same.  The price we pay is too high, but that's a given.  Slowly things are getting better.  

18 minutes ago, Thorin said:

keep at it man! You’re doing well!

Thanks man.   I'm approaching the home stretch with some trepidation but I think things will be OK.  That cut to zero, just *not* taking pills one day, blows my mind.   Not having to think about this sounds like a dream to me.   One day we'll both be there!

[Thorin]

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

Oh wow man I didn't realize, I thought things were chill. 

Nope, chill-er but not chill. I’ve just been quieter on here as I try to balance things and deal with the bits that aren’t chill. I still check in on here regularly just don’t post as much. I’ve been feeling really fatigued which is part of the decrease in posting. Suspect I’ve actually been in a wave for a while, just not an overwhelming one.

 

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

Those things are freaking brutal.  No way to start the day, are they? 

Nah man, I thought I was passed these but they’ve been back for a while. They’ll pass again.

 

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

Well, exactly.  That's all this AD stuff in a nutshell.   My dizziness has improved, everything has improved as I taper.  Just not fast as I'd like.  

That’s good man. It’s never as fast as we like. We shouldn’t have to deal with it at all.

 

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

I couldn't have said it better.  I had no idea what I'd given up when I took those pills.   Ugh, yeah I hear you, being human is not easy at all.   I guess if I wanted to have all "up" days I'd take more pills 😁😁

Man I don’t know if I would ever take more pills! Even on the pills it wasn’t ‘up’ so much as ‘consistent’

 

15 hours ago, j1290 said:

pidation but I think things will be OK.  That cut to zero, just *not* taking pills one day, blows my mind.   Not having to think about this sounds like a dream to me.   One day we'll both be there!

Will you hold before the final drop or push on?

[j1290]

13 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’ve been feeling really fatigued which is part of the decrease in posting.

Totally get it man.   I've had some days like that recently.  

 

14 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Nah man, I thought I was passed these but they’ve been back for a while. They’ll pass again.

Man, I try not to get my hopes up for any symptom to be gone, although in my heart of hearts I do.   That morning anxiety is next level.  You said it, it'll pass again.  

 

17 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Man I don’t know if I would ever take more pills! Even on the pills it wasn’t ‘up’ so much as ‘consistent’

Same.  Considering the trade offs, it wasn't all that.   

 

19 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Will you hold before the final drop or push on?

That's a great question.  We'll just have to see how things shake out as I start getting closer to zero, but doing a hold before the final drop isn't a bad idea.   

[j1290]

DAY 19   3/10 head pressure, weirdness

Feeling somewhere within sight of good today, a little dizzy and lightheaded,  a little loosey goosey overall.  Headache is really mild today, which is a welcome improvement.  I wondered if/when this day would come, where I experience the effects of the pills without headaches.   I'm still getting pressure and weirdness that are uncomfortable, but without the headache it's much more tolerable.   Let's hope it sticks.  Things are getting better, a little bit at a time.  Had a great EMDR session tonight.  I think I'm in as good a position as I can be for success post - taper.   Glad this is all moving in the right direction.   If this head pressure ever disappears, I'll be all but normal.  One day.  

[littlebird]

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

Had a great EMDR session tonight.  I think I'm in as good a position as I can be for success post - taper.   Glad this is all moving in the right direction. 

 

Great news!! So glad to hear it.

[j1290]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zZfbkUkodY

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Great news!! So glad to hear it.

Thanks man!  

It's a significant difference in cognition and making connections and imagination and whatnot on low meds than it was at higher doses.  I might actually be able to let go of some stuff that I've carried around to this day.  Not there yet, but I'm realizing it's possible.  I think Funkadelic said it best in 1970, Free your mind, and your *** will follow.

 

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

I might actually be able to let go of some stuff that I've carried around to this day.  Not there yet, but I'm realizing it's possible.  I think Funkadelic said it best in 1970, Free your mind, and your *** will follow.

This is making me wonder if part of the reason ADs are counterproductive is trapping all this stuff in stasis, not just what we had going on before we went on them.... but maybe it's been stopping things up this whole time?

 

Let's free our minds and asses, I'm all for it!

[Thorin]

31 minutes ago, littlebird said:

This is making me wonder if part of the reason ADs are counterproductive is trapping all this stuff in stasis, not just what we had going on before we went on them.... but maybe it's been stopping things up this whole time?

 

Let's free our minds and asses, I'm all for it!

I think it literally does trap you emotionally in status if your problems are emotional….. they are absolutely the wrong thing to give to someone with trauma. Or to young people that aren’t fully developed except when absolutely critically needed and even then I’d need convincing from someone that really knows what they’re talking about and had lived experience

[j1290]

DAY 20  3/10  Headaches continue to be much lighter today, mostly getting brain activation, head pressure, and just kinda weird feeling emotionally.  I'm not going to sweat it, I think it's just tapering and will resolve itself eventually.   Things are right on track as last month, just milder symptoms.  There's discomfort, but overall things have gotten much more tolerable.   Looking forward to the next cut.  

[LostInCanada]

@j1290you are amazing, So proud of your determination and courage. Can I get some please? 

[j1290]

31 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

So proud of your determination and courage. Can I get some please? 

Of course!  I have loads of bumps in the road, but determination I never lack.  I have a bad memory, so when it comes time for the next cut I'm just thinking of how much improvement I'll have on the other side of it, rather than what I went through last time.   When I was tapering Venlafaxine(similarly difficult like Paroxetine I think) I would have to take breaks now and then because it would wear me out.  I get it, a 1 or 2% cut in that stuff really flipped my world upside down.  

 

It took somewhere around 50 cuts, but I got to zero, and so can you.   

 

How's your taper going?  Have you had to reinstate or anything or are you able to hold?  I know I had to back up a step lots of times because I could only reduce a little bit at a time. 

[LostInCanada]

@j1290 I went basically CT last August (30 mg-0mg in 4 weeks). I reinstated November 28 at 5mg before I was able to get on this site...ugh. So I have only done one cut 12 days ago of 1.7%,  and had the increase of burning feet, restless legs, crying, cortisol spikes, shakes, anxiety lol so it kicked my butt. I don't know if I am stable enough to taper but I read your posts and they give me hope. 👍

[j1290]

7 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

I went basically CT last August (30 mg-0mg in 4 weeks).

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this.   I'm not a mod or anything, but I can tell you that each cut of Venlafaxine rocked my world.  Still, I managed to get off it and stay off it, and I'd been on it many years.  What you're describing sounds all too familiar.  Each time I did a cut I would be wrung out emotionally.  

 

From what I read, everyone that did a CT gets better eventually.  It's not easy or fast, but one day the symptoms resolve.   I'm really glad to hear you have a partner that can support you.   

 

Almost 2 weeks into tapering, nice!   In another week or two you'll be right as rain.  All this stuff is just a day at a time.   Hang tight, you'll be on the other side of this cut before you know it.  

[littlebird]

8 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

I went basically CT last August (30 mg-0mg in 4 weeks)

I did that once in my life with Venlafaxine and it was absolute hell. Whew, sorry you went through that!

[LostInCanada]

@littlebirdthanks, so sorry you had that experience too. You were one of the first people to write on my thread. I was so in the thick of withdrawal I don’t think I even responded. I was struggling just to navigate this site with all that WD crazy. I appreciate that you stopped by then. I’ve come a long way baby since then lol. Still a long way to go. Hope you are doing well. 

[SonSetFree]

@j1290 hey John!  Been a while.  I will have to get caught up on your thread to see how you’re getting along.  
 

in the meantime can you tell me what online service you are using to get your medicine?  I recall you said they were flexible.  Asking for a friend.  Private message if you prefer.  
 

Nice to see you are down to 81 mg.  Wow!

[j1290]

DAY 21  3/10  Headaches are continuing to be improved, still have temple pressure and irritability, overall malaise but fine.   

 

I'm hanging in, WD normal.  Lingering symptoms make me more irritable than I'd prefer.  Headache hat is back in service.  There's no breaks on this train, rolling down the track towards zero.  One day!

 

2 hours ago, SonSetFree said:

can you tell me what online service you are using to get your medicine?  I recall you said they were flexible.

@SonSetFree

Always great to hear from you!  It's honeybee health, I sent you a link in DM.  My insurance switches to whatever brand is cheapest, so for me it has been a real help to use honeybee to keep the same factory and the generic is really inexpensive.   Hope things are going well on your end!

[littlebird]

13 hours ago, j1290 said:

My insurance switches to whatever brand is cheapest, so for me it has been a real help to use honeybee to keep the same factory and the generic is really inexpensive.

That's so smart! Always a weird transition when my insurance changes generics.

 

13 hours ago, j1290 said:

Headaches are continuing to be improved

This is such great news, my friend! 

[j1290]

19 minutes ago, littlebird said:

That's so smart! Always a weird transition when my insurance changes generics.

I'm not going to miss that one bit.  It was always a rough 2 or 3 weeks when they switched me to something different, and with the sensitized CNS due to tapering, forget it.  I never would have even known it was possible to keep the same factory if it weren't for this site and someone telling me about that pharmacy.   It's amazing how little I knew about meds before starting to taper.  

 

22 minutes ago, littlebird said:

13 hours ago, j1290 said:

Headaches are continuing to be improved

This is such great news, my friend! 

It is!  I'm still symptomatic, but that's to be expected.  I'm happy things have and will continue to improve.   

 

Hope things are getting better for you!

[j1290]

DAY 1  Lookout, I'm going in!  I've done a couple 3 week holds in a row, thinking maybe I'll hold for 4 weeks this time to let things catch up a bit.  Feel pretty great overall at a lower dose.  The headache/pressure stuff is still unappreciated but lighter and certainly more tolerable so that the med symptoms are much less in the foreground.  That'll change as WD sets in for this cut over the next few days, but I'm appreciating every bit of relief I get for the gift that it is.  😊

 

Hopeful this cut will hold, but now that I'm down to lower doses the rules are likely to change so we'll see if I got the balance right or not.  I feel like I've done enough of these now that I have some idea of what to expect and what's a red flag.  

 

The soundtrack to this cut is the classic Morrissey:  Your Arsenal from 1992.  I used to study to this while at Uni.  Ahh, wasted youth! 😁

 

[Thorin]

5 minutes ago, j1290 said:

DAY 1  Lookout, I'm going in!  I've done a couple 3 week holds in a row, thinking maybe I'll hold for 4 weeks this time to let things catch up a bit.  Feel pretty great overall at a lower dose.  The headache/pressure stuff is still unappreciated but lighter and certainly more tolerable so that the med symptoms are much less in the foreground.  That'll change as WD sets in for this cut over the next few days, but I'm appreciating every bit of relief I get for the gift that it is.  😊

 

Hopeful this cut will hold, but now that I'm down to lower doses the rules are likely to change so we'll see if I got the balance right or not.  I feel like I've done enough of these now that I have some idea of what to expect and what's a red flag.  

 

The soundtrack to this cut is the classic Morrissey:  Your Arsenal from 1992.  I used to study to this while at Uni.  Ahh, wasted youth! 😁

 

A hold sounds good and maybe like a well deserved rest/respite? I’m gonna listen to this while I drive over to pick up my son after his return from the states. Dude was pretty cut from the photo. I might have to start working out 😂

[j1290]

7 minutes ago, Thorin said:

A hold sounds good and maybe like a well deserved rest/respite? I’m gonna listen to this while I drive over to pick up my son after his return from the states. Dude was pretty cut from the photo. I might have to start working out 😂

Man, I tell you what, this album is certainly different heard 30 years later.  The hot tracks still hold up but I understand the lyrics more 😁

 

Great idea about the hold, if Im in good shape maybe I can take a much deserved vacation that 4th week?  I wouldn't complain.

 

Heh Im sure your son is a chip off the old block!  I need to hit the gym too. This tapering business just takes it out of you but hopefully things are getting easier for us both.  

 

Lotta good cuts on this album.  Im collecting pokemons at the local park.  Gorgeous night.  

 

Have a good time with your son!

[Fifree]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

The soundtrack to this cut is

...an absolute banger. It is fighting music and I love to hear it.

 

I've been feeling a little:

 

 

which is why I'm planning a very long hold after I get to 5 mg. 

 

Great to hear it's going so well J. You are nearly there!

[j1290]

46 minutes ago, Fifree said:

which is why I'm planning a very long hold after I get to 5 mg. 

Sorry to hear you're feeling in a Smiths mood, @Fifree.  I was beat when I did that long hold and it fixed me right up.  I bet it'll do the same for you.

 

I listened to that beautiful song.  Haven't heard it in decades.  I stopped listening to Mozzer in the 90s because I thought it was making me depressed.  Now I realize it was more of just a vehicle to connect with certain feelings.  How did I not figure out something so obvious?!  I'd bet I'm not the first one to shed a tear listening to him.  You said it, no matter how bad I feel, he feels worse 😁

 

Hope things pick up for you soon.   Looks like you're getting to the home stretch yourself!