j1290: gets off the Wellbutrin and on with life!

[j1290]

DAY 14  It's really fun to look at my old notes.  As best I can tell, I'm more or less right back on track.  Because it's so hard to truly measure feelings on a consistent day to day basis, I think counting how many extra pills I have taken each cut to manage day to day is some sort of datapoint for trends.  By that measure, I'm doing alright.  🤹‍♀️

Darn my magical thinking.  I always think *this time* after making a cut, I'll feel 100%.  So I'm trying to move the goalpost to 90 days, *that's* when the miracle will happen!  I just wish it were more noticeable, each reduction.   I guess tapering is a grind by definition.   

 

Aside from the first few days with some outsize paranoia and anxiety, the emotional stuff has been minimal up to this point, just some irritability but nothing major, and no vivid dreams yet.  It'll be interesting to see what happens over the next week, if I get the lability or not.  Looking at my notes, the trend is clearly improving in that department, aside from the outlier of my last cut, where I was emotional daily.   

 

This cut seems fine, and possibly the easiest one so far.  Always lots of question marks, will I hit the wall when I get to around 50mg and have to reduce 2% at a time?   I hope not, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  

[j1290]

DAY 15   4/10, caught the emotional lability today.  Sleep was intermittent, I wouldn't be surprised if it was related.  I was writing in my notes that it felt like this would never end, when I remembered I talk to Addax about this very topic and it always ends, and that helped snapped me out of it.   Feeling much better after taking a nap. Fingers crossed this settles out in the next day or two and I can start looking forward to getting to WD normal.   

[j1290]

DAY 16  3/10 much easier emotionally today, just the physical stuff and had a bumpy night getting to sleep.   Tapering is never two hoots and a holler, but this cut has been mostly about overcoming the physical symptoms rather than emotional.  That's still a significant challenge, but one I'll take anyday over emotional lability.  You guys know what I'm talking about, that sense of dread and rumination is rough and without a simple or fast way to correct.  I've had my fair share but mostly a lot of headaches that drive me father into my cave.  

 

As always I'm looking forward to the next cut.

 

 

[Fifree]

18 minutes ago, j1290 said:

3/10 much easier emotionally today, just the physical stuff and had a bumpy night getting to sleep. 

Glad today was easier for you J. You're right about  the emotional stuff being waayyyy tougher than the physical (at least in my experience). Hope things continue to improve.

[j1290]

11 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Glad today was easier for you J. You're right about  the emotional stuff being waayyyy tougher than the physical (at least in my experience). Hope things continue to improve.

Thanks Fi!  The trend is certainly better.  I'm sure there are lots of surprises in store, and I'll handle them as they come up.  Some days it feels like I'm watching Old Yeller on a continual loop in the back of my head 🤣😄  IYKYK

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

DAY 16  3/10 much easier emotionally today, just the physical stuff and had a bumpy night getting to sleep.   Tapering is never two hoots and a holler, but this cut has been mostly about overcoming the physical symptoms rather than emotional.  That's still a significant challenge, but one I'll take anyday over emotional lability.  You guys know what I'm talking about, that sense of dread and rumination is rough and without a simple or fast way to correct.  I've had my fair share but mostly a lot of headaches that drive me father into my cave.  

 

As always I'm looking forward to the next cut.

 

 

Sounds like you’re trekking through the taper the way you always do mate. Nothing wrong with hiding in your cave if you need to.

[Fifree]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

IYKYK

I know but I don't know... Don't think I've seen it but strongly suspect Ol' Yeller meets his maker so I'm not gonna watch it...

[j1290]

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

I know but I don't know... Don't think I've seen it but strongly suspect Ol' Yeller meets his maker so I'm not gonna watch it...

Only one safe way to find out https://www.doesthedogdie.com/media/10752

That was a tough watch as a kid.  I'd still probably cry today, who am I kidding 😄

 

15 hours ago, Thorin said:

Sounds like you’re trekking through the taper the way you always do mate. Nothing wrong with hiding in your cave if you need to.

Thanks man.  Feels like the right time to prioritize tapering over socializing.  

[j1290]

DAY 17  Steady as she goes.   Pretty much as I expected from the beginning, the tapers have gotten easier because I'm at a lower level of medicine, so less side effects from them.  Yay.   I'm getting less abnormal visual sensations, less vivid dreams, less irritability(thank heaven), less emotional lability.  All challenging, but nothing like the last year.  I'm so glad to be closer to the end of this than the beginning.  

 

The physical stuff is still rough.  I gotta remember that it's getting better too, just not as fast as I'd like.  Certain symptoms I'm not getting as harshly as I used to.  It's all improving, just glacially slowly 🙄😆

 

[Thorin]

2 minutes ago, j1290 said:

DAY 17  Steady as she goes.   Pretty much as I expected from the beginning, the tapers have gotten easier because I'm at a lower level of medicine, so less side effects from them.  Yay.   I'm getting less abnormal visual sensations, less vivid dreams, less irritability(thank heaven), less emotional lability.  All challenging, but nothing like the last year.  I'm so glad to be closer to the end of this than the beginning.  

 

The physical stuff is still rough.  I gotta remember that it's getting better too, just not as fast as I'd like.  Certain symptoms I'm not getting as harshly as I used to.  It's all improving, just glacially slowly 🙄😆

 

Mate that’s awesome and gives me hope that my taper will be easier when I resume. You’re smashing it dude and I look forward to your post that says you’re taking zero mg of meds and doing ok 👌🏻 

[j1290]

1 minute ago, Thorin said:

Mate that’s awesome and gives me hope that my taper will be easier when I resume.

Keep in mind, I try to suppress my whiny internal monologue when I post these. 😄 Overall though, even on my bumpy days I felt pretty grounded.  Next month is a different roll of the dice, but for now, things are fine.  

 

More or less if I disregard my most recent, bad cut, I'm tracking right with the ones before that.  

 

It sounds like you've created a textbook solid foundation to begin your taper from when you're ready to pick it up again.   I hope you find it easier than before!

[Thorin]

4 hours ago, j1290 said:

Keep in mind, I try to suppress my whiny internal monologue when I post these. 😄 Overall though, even on my bumpy days I felt pretty grounded.  Next month is a different roll of the dice, but for now, things are fine.  

 

More or less if I disregard my most recent, bad cut, I'm tracking right with the ones before that.  

 

It sounds like you've created a textbook solid foundation to begin your taper from when you're ready to pick it up again.   I hope you find it easier than before!

Even predictable and tolerable is good enough I figure. You won’t feel like that forever 

[j1290]

DAY 19  3/10  Had therapy tonight, I think it's the first EMDR session I almost had fun in since I began a few years ago.   I also seem to be retaining more cognitive and memory function, less fumbling for words, feeling more functional and less of an AD hangover feeling.   I can do math more rapidly and have more imagination, etc etc so it's noticeable.  I'm excited to see how that trend continues as I go lower.  

 

Friday is my appointment with my psych doctor.   Just a routine visit to check in, no changes needed so it should be fine but I'll be glad when it's complete.  

 

Steady as she goes.  

[Thorin]

6 minutes ago, j1290 said:

DAY 19  3/10  Had therapy tonight, I think it's the first EMDR session I almost had fun in since I began a few years ago.   I also seem to be retaining more cognitive and memory function, less fumbling for words, feeling more functional and less of an AD hangover feeling.   I can do math more rapidly and have more imagination, etc etc so it's noticeable.  I'm excited to see how that trend continues as I go lower.  

 

Friday is my appointment with my psych doctor.   Just a routine visit to check in, no changes needed so it should be fine but I'll be glad when it's complete.  

 

Steady as she goes.  

Brain’s coming back on board mate! Good news!

[Go2zero]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

Steady as she goes.  

You are doing great. Steady and careful! Great to read how you are healing! 🤙 🙏

[j1290]

DAY 20  I hit the stopwatch tonight and timed it, it takes me 5 minutes to take my last dose for the day and prep the next day's liquid doses.   All this business with alarms and preparing suspensions and keeping daily notes and whatnot was a real learning curve, but once you do it enough, it's just background noise, not even a thing.  

 

I'm settling in to WD Normal, the side effects make me grumpier than I'd like to be, but when I look back over the last year, the improvement is massive.   I'll take grumpy over irritable or a few other things anyday of the week.  

 

20 hours ago, Go2zero said:

You are doing great. Steady and careful! Great to read how you are healing! 🤙 🙏

Thanks, Go2!  I'm starting to get in the deep end now.  I'm expecting things to get spicy in the very near future.  I think I'm as prepared as I'm ever going to be. 

 

22 hours ago, Thorin said:

Brain’s coming back on board mate! Good news!

Not 100%, but getting a little bit less brain fog is reason to celebrate.  It's a pleasant surprise, at least for the moment  😄 I try not to get my hopes up for any of this stuff, but I inevitably do.  

[j1290]

DAY 2  Today was a light 3/10, no hypomania, some minor emotional lability(am I even using that word correctly?  meh.)  Got some sunshine, went to an automated sushi bar, had a little fun.  It's too early to tell much, but at least so far nothing is out of the ordinary.  I'm satisfied with that.   Been thinking a lot about what LB told me, that anxiety is imagination.  I wrote that down in my notebook and it has really helped remind me.   

[Fifree]

Good to hear J! Maybe THIS is the cut you've been waiting for - where it all gets easier.

 

Automatic sushi bar sounds fun. I thought I'll do that to give myself a little boost and then I remembered that school holidays have just begun here. Staying well away from shopping centres for the next two weeks

[LostInCanada]

@j1290 I heard a good illustration of anxiety that helps me. It's like a dog that barks when danger is approaching your property...good dog...only it's just the postman...good dog but just misguided. No danger...thanks but you can relax.

[j1290]

12 hours ago, Fifree said:

Good to hear J! Maybe THIS is the cut you've been waiting for - where it all gets easier.

You never know!  I feel like I'm scratching a lottery ticket with every cut 🤣  One of these days I have to win, dangit!!   

 

5 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

I heard a good illustration of anxiety that helps me. It's like a dog that barks when danger is approaching your property...good dog...only it's just the postman...good dog but just misguided. No danger...thanks but you can relax.

@LostInCanada  I love it!  Thanks for writing this out.  I'm going to put that in my notebook right now.  

[j1290]

DAY 3  2/10 light physical symptoms, some hypomania, no emotionality.  I think the regular sleep schedule helps the taper.  Things seem to be back in a pattern.  Had a session with my psych doctor the other day, so things are good in that department.  Really nice not to be stressed out by symptoms and anxiety and whatnot for a change.  Already looking forward to the next cut 😆

 

Things usually go downhill after day 3 or 4, so I'll appreciate what I have.  Nice to just mellow out.  

[littlebird]

On 6/25/2023 at 9:01 AM, LostInCanada said:

I heard a good illustration of anxiety that helps me. It's like a dog that barks when danger is approaching your property...good dog...only it's just the postman...good dog but just misguided. No danger...thanks but you can relax.

Love this!

[j1290]

DAY 4  Overall, 3/10   I was cruising till mid afternoon when an attack of the weirdness struck.  Started getting head pressure, heavy head, and slight doom like feelings.   Luckily nothing escalated or anything, very easily might be completely normal but has just been overshadowed by physical symptoms I usually have so it wasn't as defined previously.  Headache and head pressure has lightened a noticeable degree so far this cut.  I'm still wearing the compression hat and feel like I have a stuffy head/sinus headache, but it has been less of a battle lately.  I'll take it.  Tomorrow the WD should start kicking in to high gear, so we'll see what that looks like.  

 

I'm cautiously optimistic.  So far this has been milder than my last cut.  I'd prefer no symptoms at all, or to be able to eat chocolate cake and not gain weight, but I guess we can't get everything we want.  😄

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Luckily nothing escalated or anything, very easily might be completely normal but has just been overshadowed by physical symptoms I usually have so it wasn't as defined previously. 

Are your physical symptoms less? That sounds positive. It could just be an evolution of the symptoms too which is something I’ve experienced. It’ll pass like everything else does 😉

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

Headache and head pressure has lightened a noticeable degree so far this cut

That’s fantastic. It really does sound better than when we first started chatting last year. From the outside it appears that things have been incrementally improving over time.

 

1 hour ago, j1290 said:

I'd prefer no symptoms at all, or to be able to eat chocolate cake and not gain weight, but I guess we can't get everything we want. 

Greedy greedy John! Plus you’d miss being part of the gang if you didn’t get withdrawals….. you’d probably get bored 😉

[j1290]

4 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Are your physical symptoms less? That sounds positive. It could just be an evolution of the symptoms too which is something I’ve experienced. It’ll pass like everything else does 😉

Exactly.  I'm getting lower and lower so I'm on the lookout for however they're going to evolve.  I feel like I'm in jail and I'll get out in 90 days-I should be on a much lower dose by then.  

 

12 minutes ago, Thorin said:

That’s fantastic. It really does sound better than when we first started chatting last year.

Oh yeah, definitely.  I'm not where I want to be but at least I'm not back where I started.  Pshew!

18 minutes ago, Thorin said:

From the outside it appears that things have been incrementally improving over time.

They have, and things will continue to get better till I get to zero.  I'm not super worried about anything except if I'll be able to continue tapering at my current pace or if I'll have to slow down significantly.  I think my next cut will give me a good clue.   

 

24 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Greedy greedy John! Plus you’d miss being part of the gang if you didn’t get withdrawals….. you’d probably get bored 😉

Guilty as charged!!!   I would *love* to get bored and be able to throw out all my tapering notebooks, vials, bottles, you name it.   I won't really know till the next cut, but I'm starting to feel cocky.   I guess we'll see if I'm going to be knocked down a peg!  😵‍💫😁

[Thorin]

13 minutes ago, j1290 said:

uilty as charged!!!   I would *love* to get bored and be able to throw out all my tapering notebooks, vials, bottles, you name it.   I won't really know till the next cut, but I'm starting to feel cocky.   I guess we'll see if I'm going to be knocked down a peg!  😵‍💫😁

Oh man how good would it be to be bored like that! I’d love it! Imagine never thinking about meds except on occasion as a bad memory! I’d say you’ve been cocky all along 😝😂 but i don’t think you’ll get knocked down a peg. At worse you might have to slow your taper but knowing you, you’d be very tempted to push through regardless 😂

[j1290]

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Imagine never thinking about meds except on occasion as a bad memory!

Oh, you mean like seeing lightning bolts and having strobing vision?!?  How can I give those sweet sweet memories up?!?  😆  

It will be amazing to travel without worrying about a supply of pills.  

 

14 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’d say you’ve been cocky all along 😝😂

LOL maybe.  I'm starting to think this taper might just end with a whimper instead of a bang.  I sure wouldn't complain.   

 

22 minutes ago, Thorin said:

At worse you might have to slow your taper but knowing you, you’d be very tempted to push through regardless 😂

Very true!   At least so far, the signs are good.   I'm starting to be optimistic and ****.   I'll quit while I'm ahead but will happily talk **** after my next successful cut because I think I'll be relatively home free.  I sure didn't expect to be saying that a year ago!

[Thorin]

17 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Oh, you mean like seeing lightning bolts and having strobing vision?!?  How can I give those sweet sweet memories up?!?  😆  

It will be amazing to travel without worrying about a supply of pills.  

 

LOL maybe.  I'm starting to think this taper might just end with a whimper instead of a bang.  I sure wouldn't complain.   

 

Very true!   At least so far, the signs are good.   I'm starting to be optimistic and ****.   I'll quit while I'm ahead but will happily talk **** after my next successful cut because I think I'll be relatively home free.  I sure didn't expect to be saying that a year ago!

How crazy is it man that at one point you were trying to stabilise and you hadn’t even started your taper yet. You didn’t know what was going on and now look at where you are. It would give anyone hope!

[Catina7]

3 hours ago, j1290 said:

I'm still wearing the compression hat

 

I didn't know there was such a thing as this!  Do you find that it helps your headaches?  I'm going to look into getting one for myself.  I just love how we all learn from each other!  😊

[j1290]

7 hours ago, Catina7 said:

I didn't know there was such a thing as this!  Do you find that it helps your headaches?  I'm going to look into getting one for myself.  I just love how we all learn from each other!  😊

This is my favorite one.  It has a closed top so it's tighter.  There are ones that are open on top that are less pressure.  You can freeze them too.  I've got headaches/burning scalp as a side effect of the meds, and these things have helped me enormously.  They're the next best thing to not having a headache LOL

[j1290]

DAY 5  3/10 Usual headache stuff and some slight emotional lability.  Uncomfortable but right on track and matching last month.  I think I have another week or so of discomfort but unless something gets weird I think this cut is going to succeed.  

[j1290]

DAY 6  3/10 slight headache, pressure.   

Today was pretty great.  One of the few days that my WD symptoms have taken a back seat to just doing life stuff for part of the day.  No lability, no extra anxiety.  Far from perfect, still have head pressure and brain cramps, but felt substantially better and got out and enjoyed myself.  I'm treating myself to a new Morrissey album to continue the tradition of getting a new one with every cut.  Hopefully I'll be through before I have the entire back catalog, but I guess we'll see.  

 

Really nice to feel halfway normal, even if there's a long way to go.   

[Thorin]

28 minutes ago, j1290 said:

DAY 6  3/10 slight headache, pressure.   

Today was pretty great.  One of the few days that my WD symptoms have taken a back seat to just doing life stuff for part of the day.  No lability, no extra anxiety.  Far from perfect, still have head pressure and brain cramps, but felt substantially better and got out and enjoyed myself.  I'm treating myself to a new Morrissey album to continue the tradition of getting a new one with every cut.  Hopefully I'll be through before I have the entire back catalog, but I guess we'll see.  

 

Really nice to feel halfway normal, even if there's a long way to go.   

Mate that sounds like a relatively great day! Glad to hear it. Enjoy the new album!

[littlebird]

42 minutes ago, j1290 said:

Today was pretty great.  One of the few days that my WD symptoms have taken a back seat to just doing life stuff for part of the day.  No lability, no extra anxiety.

Oh heck yeah, love to hear it!! Enjoy that album and the rest of your night. So glad to hear you got a good day!

[j1290]

14 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Oh heck yeah, love to hear it!! Enjoy that album and the rest of your night. So glad to hear you got a good day!

 

30 minutes ago, Thorin said:

Mate that sounds like a relatively great day! Glad to hear it. Enjoy the new album!

Appreciate you!  I think it's uphill from here for the rest of the cut, so an unexpected pretty good day is very welcome.   Regular sleep hours seems to be helping.    

[Thorin]

2 hours ago, j1290 said:

Appreciate you!  I think it's uphill from here for the rest of the cut, so an unexpected pretty good day is very welcome.   Regular sleep hours seems to be helping.   

Oh I forgot you’re off nights! That’s gotta help!