Tapering2023: Medication or withdrawal?

[Tapering2023]

I guess the only thing I can do is updose to .66 after the next few days at .64, and just stay there until I stabilize. I will stabilize right? 

[Tapering2023]

If I survive this, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get off this drug. It’s been 6 and a half years trying to get off of 20mg, and who knows how long it will take to stabilize at .66. Then doing a 10% reduction from just .66 is like another 7 years of tapering… 15 years to get off 20mg? That’s just absurd 

[Emonda]

45 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

I guess the only thing I can do is updose to .66 after the next few days at .64, and just stay there until I stabilize.

 

That's consistent with the advice you received from Dr H. That's what I would do, too. Small up-dose, hold and assess for ~14 days, and repeat until you return to the dose the two of you discussed.

 

46 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

I will stabilize right? 

 

Very confident you will. The waiting is not nice.

[Emonda]

35 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get off this drug

 

I've thought that so many times over the past ~28 years. I was resigned to the fact that I just needed it (I believed the chemical imbalance myth).

 

The past two years of following the advice on this site, and being very, very careful with the accuracy and consistency of my dose, I have made progress I never thought possible.

 

Once back at the start of my taper, I stuffed up and dropped 20% rather than 2%. That rocked me for a long time. The symptoms were brutal...but stability returned. 6 months later, I tapered again. It seems the same has happened to you. I read a few pages back there was a mix-up in your dose by ~20% at one stage ... a faulty scale or something. I can't remember, but it doesn't matter now.

 

38 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

another 7 years of tapering

 

As ChessieCat said, we need to look at how far we have come, not how far we have to go. You will stabilise from this....and you'll be looking at how far you've come. You were on 20mg. You successfully got down to ~1mg. Stability will return.

 

Keep fighting

 

[Tapering2023]

Yea that’s true. Idk what happened with the dosages. I was having the symptoms even before that happened too. 

 

Horowitz said 7 days of updosing at each dose until I’m back to where I was previously stable, which was .7ml in the syringe. I have gone from .6 to .64, and think I’m going to stop updosing at .66. 

[Emonda]

2 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

Horowitz said 7 days of updosing at each dose until I’m back to where I was previously stable, which was .7ml in the syringe.

 

Sounds like a plan to me. Small up-dosses each time. It may take longer than 7 days to feel the benefit, however.

 

You will stabilise and beat this drug.

[Tapering2023]

I just need to get to .66 ml and hold there so my mind can rest about stability. Day 5 on .64ml. 
 

I have intrusive thoughts legit every 10 seconds. It’s actually insane how this is even possible. 
 

 

[Tale]

Hi @Tapering2023

I am so sorry to hear about your intrusive thoughts. I am dealing with something similar and it is pure torture. It is quite unbelievable. I am here to tell you that this won't last forever. You are not alone

Hugs!

[Tapering2023]

I’m having intense self harm urges and rage today. Rage and screaming because of the thoughts has been common the last week. I feel like it’s an entirely new withdrawal symptom. 
 

I have such bad rage I’m hitting the punching bag and hurting myself. 
 

I just can’t believe this is happening to me. 
 

I can’t live like this  

[Tapering2023]

Can someone explain to me exactly what happens to your body in withdrawal in simple terms? How is GABA affected? why are things that affect neurotransmitters dangerous if the chemical imbalance theory isn’t true? 

[Emonda]

1 hour ago, Tapering2023 said:

I’m having intense self harm urges and rage today. Rage and screaming because of the thoughts has been common the last week. I feel like it’s an entirely new withdrawal symptom. 

 

When I struggle, I exercise more than I normally do, and it brings me relief for a period of time.

 

However, we are all different, so going from the couch to running 5km may not be the best idea...if you don't already exercise.

 

Can you go for a brisk walk with a trusted friend or family member?

 

Being on your own when feeling rotten is not ideal.

[Tapering2023]

I try and do walks when I can. 

[Emonda]

I prioritise doing some form of exercise daily, even when I don't want to or feel too tired.

 

But again, you need to stay within what is manageable/comfortable for you. If it makes you feel worse, stop or do much less.

 

I find it does wonders to get outside, smell the fresh air and move.

[Tapering2023]

Hey guys. Just needing more reassurance again. I have nonstop intrusive thoughts and the self harm urges all day everyday. I also haven’t experienced any windows in a long time. 
 

I got my brain checked out and it came back clear. 
 

is this seriously still withdrawal? I can’t believe something can be this severe especially since it’s only one medication. 
 

I’m just really scared that I’m never going to get better and everyday is going to be a minute to minute fight for life. 

[LostInCanada]

36 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

s this seriously still withdrawal?

It really is and it sucks. I can’t stress enough that acceptance is necessary to get through this. For myself that means just telling myself it is okay to be limited, to take a step back. If I had cancer I would treat myself with kindness and recognize my need to heal. This is no different. In fact because doctors don’t know how to treat us, we have to be especially loving toward ourselves. We would never say to someone with cancer to just get over it and hurry up about it so why would we expect that of ourselves. Our body is working so hard to straighten out this mess that has been created with no help. Be grateful for what ever you can grab on to.

43 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

I’m just really scared that I’m never going to get better and everyday is

We all feel like this at times. You will get better. Read success stories. There are some on here worse than you that are healing or have succeeded. You can do this.

 

[AblazingTulip]

6 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

Hey guys. Just needing more reassurance again. I have nonstop intrusive thoughts and the self harm urges all day everyday. I also haven’t experienced any windows in a long time. 
 

I got my brain checked out and it came back clear. 
 

is this seriously still withdrawal? I can’t believe something can be this severe especially since it’s only one medication. 
 

I’m just really scared that I’m never going to get better and everyday is going to be a minute to minute fight for life. 

Start loving yourself @Tapering2023 

 

You are worth all the love you can give yourself. Your existence is any bit as valid and valuable as anyone else.

 

Getting love starts with giving it to yourself.

 

In these darkest of days you face it is easy to lose sight of these simple truths. Even as they remain simple.. And true.

 

I hope my words help to remind you that you are an amazing, complex individual despite the severe challenges that WD place in your path.

 

Stay strong or become strong. Either way, rise up. We are here for you and hear and share your pain.

 

... And it WILL pass!

 

~Sent with love, wrapped in kindness.

[Tapering2023]

I love myself so much. And honestly this is so much suffering that I feel very sorry for myself. I don’t want to die because I’m afraid of death, but I can’t even justify going through this anymore. I remind myself of family and my future but I am mentally bombarded with self harm urges and have hurt myself because of the aggression hitting things. 
 

I am normally a very sensitive person and don’t like anger so this shatters my heart even more. 
 

I can’t even have a conversation with my grandma which also breaks my heart. 
 

im just so messed up right now and nothing is helping. It’s like I get worse and worse I just don’t know how to keep living being tortured every 15 seconds like this. 
 

 

[LostInCanada]

4 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

I feel very sorry for myself.

I am in a wave at the moment and it is very easy to let myself do this but it is definitely counterproductive. I reflect on how there is always someone in this world worse off than me and if they can keep moving forward so can I. 

5 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

I can’t even have a conversation with my grandma which also breaks my heart. 

Socializing and conversing is still a huge struggle for me. This is so hard. You are very articulate. Could you write her a letter/text, let her know your feelings? Grandma 's are the best.

[AblazingTulip]

8 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

I love myself so much. And honestly this is so much suffering that I feel very sorry for myself. I don’t want to die because I’m afraid of death, but I can’t even justify going through this anymore. I remind myself of family and my future but I am mentally bombarded with self harm urges and have hurt myself because of the aggression hitting things. 
 

I am normally a very sensitive person and don’t like anger so this shatters my heart even more. 
 

I can’t even have a conversation with my grandma which also breaks my heart. 
 

im just so messed up right now and nothing is helping. It’s like I get worse and worse I just don’t know how to keep living being tortured every 15 seconds like this. 
 

 

The particular hell we go through with the chemicals infused into our CNS as we then extracate one from the other and the resulting WD is to be wished on no one.

 

Your pain and resulting suffering is valid, make no mistake. It is temporary. Even so it's not quick to resolve.

 

I am not qualified to give advice but yet urge you to seek alternate, healthier outlets for the urges you feel.

 

Are you receiving non-medicating help from a health professional? I.e. Are you talking to someone?

 

Have you searched this site for others that have gone through these same urges? There is so much knowledge in this site. Use the search. But yes, the journey will remain hard sadly, but not for ever. And joy, though foreign right now, awaits you.

 

But most of all know, that we share this pain with you. And you are not alone on this road to recovery.

~Sent with love wrapped in kindness.

 

P.S. Keep loving yourself!

[Kaylaq]

Since you are a good writer, when you can, take a moment to write down what you can be grateful for, …the couch you sit on, your grandma, the fork in your hand, the pillow you sleep on, the love you feel for yourself and family…. The responses you get from replies here,… When I focus on the simplest of things it helps to break those horrible thoughts….sometimes I just repeat the words thank you, thank you, over and over again. I know these suggestions sound too easy and simple but they do help to break the mental ruminations…

 

we are here with you and feel your pain 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🥰🥰🥰

[Tapering2023]

Thanks for the replies. Today has been so bad I passed out and my friend and mom had to pick me up and give me a propalonol. the last time I took one was December 22nd. I hope this doesn’t rock the boat. I try so hard not to take it or anything else at all. 
 

it doesn’t stop the thoughts though as much as I wish it would. Honestly I don’t really feel like it does anything 

[Tapering2023]

If I get to .66 and stay there but take propalonal here and there is that bad for the nervous system? 

[Tapering2023]

I constantly have thoughts of I will never heal. Especially since I’ve tried 5 updoses at this point. I fear that I’ll never stabilize. Day 1 of .66, not trying anymore updoses at this point. They haven’t done anything. 

[Tapering2023]

Is there really a way to even know if symptoms or from updoses/meds or withdrawal? Probably no way to even know

[LostInCanada]

@Tapering2023 has it gotten worse since updosing? 

[Tapering2023]

It’s the same since updosing. No changes. Nonstop harm thoughts, intrusive thoughts, fear of never healing, suicidal thoughts. 
 

I don’t believe myself when I say I will heal and stabilize on .66. I hate the thought of still being on the drug after this withdrawal hell. I think should I just get off and at least know that each day is one day closer to healing? 
 

then I fear but what if I really can’t control myself because I barely can now. 

[Kaylaq]

I see you!! 🥰  I would think it will take a few days for an updose to take effect… 

 

I just found the “success stories “ page, it is worth your time to read all of them!!!  People have been where you are and survived!!! 
 

I send you strength and courage to live another day! 😊🙏🙏

[Tapering2023]

Is there a reason I don’t get any windows? 
 

literally have gotten 30 minutes the last 4 weeks of breath… like come on man. 

[AblazingTulip]

On 2/26/2024 at 8:34 PM, Tapering2023 said:

Is there a reason I don’t get any windows? 
 

literally have gotten 30 minutes the last 4 weeks of breath… like come on man. 

How are you doing Tapering2023?

Any improvements / declines?

Was just thinking of you and hoping things are looking a bit better on your side.

🌷

[Tapering2023]

Thanks. None really. In desperation mode. Got on clonidine .1MG today. They prescribed me an antipsychotic vraylar and I don’t want to take it. 
 

 

[Emonda]

Please update your signature if you take either of these new drugs.

[Tapering2023]

I have a lot of that to do but I’m so debilitated right now because of withdrawal I can’t think of it all. 
 

Can some share with me what exactly happens to our receptors in SSRI withdrawal? 
 

I’m a bit confused as to how the chemical imbalance theory is false but then we say things that work on GABA receptors is dangerous. 
 

Is it the receptors that cause imbalances or other parts of the nervous system as a whole?

[LostInCanada]

@Tapering2023 are you getting any relief since the new drug? Are you going to continue with it? My concern is if it isn’t helping, you don’t want your body to become dependent on it. 
I do not have the capacity to thoroughly research your question due to my own withdrawal. Maybe someone else will. I know my whole central nervous system is compromised and my body is trying to reach homeostasis. 
There is a section on the site that thoroughly goes into the science of it all. Unfortunately even understanding all the nuances doesn’t change the need for acceptance, time and  patience. 

[Tapering2023]

I dropped the clonidine after day 2 because I felt no difference. I’m so desperate I’ve been adding some things in for relief which I know isn’t recommended. I’m in so much agony the entire day I’m just trying to stay alive. I have thousands of self harm thoughts and SI the entire day. Every 5-10 seconds. Idk how to keep fighting this without medical support at this point. It’s so sad because I know other things can just make it worse. 
 

im an ambitious 27 year old male who has so much to offer the world and I’m holding on for dear life screaming and crying and begging God all day for direction and healing. 
 

The only other thing I know to do at this point is to stay at a detox center to get off because my symptoms are so bad. 
 

I know people have had bad experiences there too but I don’t have any other option. 
 

my family can’t handle seeing me like this anymore and that makes it even harder. 
 

I can’t enjoy anything in life right now I’m just fighting off thoughts and urges the entire day. 
 

it’s absolute torture and is as bad as the akathisia I had maybe even worse dare I say it

[Kaylaq]

Im so sorry you are going through this!! Get help wherever you can! 
send you so much strength, courage and love to live another day 🙏🙏🙏🙏💕💕😎

[Vancouver1986]

Quote

Then doing a 10% reduction from just .66 is like another 7 years of tapering… 15 years to get off 20mg? That’s just absurd 

 

It is. It is 100% absurd. With Effexor, people may need to remove 1 of the beads every 1/2 year.

 

Like you, I have a lot to offer the world. I've had my life taken away for 2.75 years because of a tranquilizer (50mg I.R. Seroquel) that I should've never been given in the first place. My muscles are tranquilized without my consent or permission - loss of freedom of movement and body autonomy, & my muscles inconsistently constantly twitch all over without my consent. I've spend a significant amount of $ on fuel, wear/tear on my car, losing shifts/$, having my reputation shattered with my employer, traumatizing my long-term partner seeing me suffer so greatly, my elderly parent just blindly trusting medical professionals and being blissfully ignorant about the horrors of Psychiatric Medication while seeing me so unwell, etc.

 

There are a significant amountt of CBT/DBT resources on this forum somewhere and on beyondmeds.org. You could also watch some stuff on Youtube. Hundreds of hours. You can search all of the anti-Psychiatry/whistle-blowers on there that you see mentioned on this forum and beyondmeds.org.

 

There was also a website that had a great write-up about being irate and furious with the medical system for putting us through this completely & utterly unnecessary hell. I wish I had saved it. But the bottom line is to radically accept it and move on to try to fix the problem yourself - this website. It also said that this kind of issue is going to make you able to handle absolutely ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE. This is by far the most unnecessarily sadistic cruel agonizing thing on the face of this planet. I don't want any more nonsense for the rest of my life. I would've been happy to go my whole life without being introduced to this kind of suffering & being blissfully ignorant about Psychiatric Medications and their Withdrawl. I've already experienced it when I was younger. I would've been happy to go my whole life without experiencing it ever again.

 

So, I 100% believe you when you say that you have a lot to offer the world & that this is complete unnecessary nonsense. I've vented to a few medical professionals over the last 2.75 years, and they still won't downright admit that withdrawal symptoms are real and that I am a victim of Psychiatry. I was gas-lit the whole time. The article I mentioned also suggests NOT venting, because they'll probably see it as a sign that you're mentally ill & tell you to take an additional medication.