Tapering2023: Medication or withdrawal?

[Tapering2023]

trigger warning. 
 

Has anyone experienced consistent intrusive thoughts that are the same? 
 

I have these two thoughts numerous times a day that are harming myself in specific ways. 
 

I know intrusive thoughts are symptoms of withdrawal, I just feel isolated with these particular thoughts as they are extreme. 
 

they really get to me and I’ve had them everyday for 4 months. 
 

is it common to have those thoughts…? 

[LotusRising]

@Tapering2023

 

This is very common. I experienced this many times throughout my taper and although scary, they are just thoughts. Please try to remind yourself of this every time they come up. 

 

These topics may help you to see that you're not alone in this:

 

 

 

 

Do you have a therapist, or another support person close to you that you can speak to?

[Tapering2023]

Yea I have a withdrawal coach who helps and family. 
 

as you know it’s just very isolating and you feel like you’re going crazy at times with the thoughts that come up all the time. 
 

I made it to 4 months today. Hoping to God that this only last a few more. 
 

not sure how long I can do this. 
 

I have come this far so I have to continue and fight

[Tapering2023]

I remind myself it’s just depressing. I can barely enjoy anything I do. I have to constantly shift focus and fight symptoms and it’s just exhausting

[LotusRising]

1 minute ago, Tapering2023 said:

I remind myself it’s just depressing. I can barely enjoy anything I do. I have to constantly shift focus and fight symptoms and it’s just exhausting

 

I know, I can absolutely relate. Distraction was really helpful for me, and kept me going a lot of days. Just keep at it - it will get better!! 4 months is quite an accomplishment, so give yourself lots of credit 💖

 

4 minutes ago, Tapering2023 said:

Yea I have a withdrawal coach who helps and family.

 

 

Fantastic! It's good to hear that you're well supported. 

[Tapering2023]

Do you guys find that symptoms all of a sudden go away or is it more of a gradual thing over time? 

[LotusRising]

@Tapering2023

 

I've heard of people that describe their symptoms as disappearing suddenly, or overnight, but this hasn't been the pattern for me.

 

I've had many symptoms leave, only to return months later. But, typically, with each return there has been a very gradual reduction in the intensity, frequency and duration of my symptoms. 

 

What is your experience?

[Altostrata]

On 12/11/2023 at 9:05 PM, Tapering2023 said:

Oh. Guess that was from an old post. Doc said to go to one every other day of the vitamin D. Been doing that for a month now. 

 

If this doesn't work, do something else.

[Ma205]

On 12/17/2023 at 7:07 PM, Tapering2023 said:

trigger warning. 
 

Has anyone experienced consistent intrusive thoughts that are the same? 
 

I have these two thoughts numerous times a day that are harming myself in specific ways. 
 

I know intrusive thoughts are symptoms of withdrawal, I just feel isolated with these particular thoughts as they are extreme. 
 

they really get to me and I’ve had them everyday for 4 months. 
 

is it common to have those thoughts…? 

Hey just stumbled upon your thread and just want to say I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I also started having incredibly disturbing intrusive self harm thoughts since the start of my withdrawal. Iv never had intrusive thoughts or SI ever In my life. This is quite common and I am working through these too, but just wanted to say yes they are common and SO awful. But it’s just thoughts and you are not your thoughts 

[Tapering2023]

Ma205. You have no idea how much this response means to me. You may have saved my life brother/sister. 
 

These have been SO difficult for me, because they are the same consistent self harm thoughts daily. 

When I’m in a state outside of akathisia or depression, I can let them pass decently. 
 

When I’m not it’s freaking roughhhh. 
 

hoping to God these even out over the next month or two especially because I am still on lexapro.

 

[Tapering2023]

Is there anything I can do to lessen the thoughts? 
 

It makes me feel like im

crazy and need to be in an asylum sadly. 
 

But lord knows that’s the last thing that will help. 
 

I wake up and have 2 consistent harm thoughts and they’re persistent throughout the whole day. 
 

The same 2 thoughts. It’s so freaking weird. 
 

I hope to God this doesn’t last like a year it’s hell to live with. 
 

I have to do mental gymnastics every 30 seconds

[Tapering2023]

I can’t believe these “meds” are prescribed to people. They’re poison man smh

[Tapering2023]

I found out I have the MTHFR gene mutation. 
 

they recommended I take methylfolate. Any recommendations

[getofflex]

9 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

Is there anything I can do to lessen the thoughts? 
 

It makes me feel like im

crazy and need to be in an asylum sadly. 
 

Please realize that these thoughts are probably the result of "monkey brain", which is caused by withdrawal, and they are not the real you.  Try to tell yourself you are not crazy, it is your distressed nervous system talking.  The best way to deal with these thoughts is to ignore them, and not take them seriously.  I know this is easier said than done.  One thing to help, is distracting yourself by doing a task.  In early WD, doing simple physical tasks helped me.  Here are some other things that may help.  

 

Techniques for Managing Withdrawal

 

Emotional Spirals

 

Acknowledge Accept Float

 

Shame, Guilt, Regret, and Self Criticism

 

APPLE Technique

 

I just came across a very nice technique that really helps me.  It's called APPLE. I have printed it and have it where I can see it every day and be reminded of it so I internalize this technique. 

 

A - Acknowledge Notice and acknowledge the thought or uncertainty as it comes to mind. 

 

P - Pause Don't react as you normally do.  Don't react at all.  Just pause and breathe.   

 

P - Pull Back Tell yourself this is just the thought or worry talking, and this apparent need for worry or analysis or certainty is not helpful and not necessary.  It is only a thought or feeling.  Don't believe everything you think.  Thoughts are not statements or facts.   

 

L - Let Go Let go of the thought or feeling.  It will pass.  You don't have to respond to it.  You might imagine the thought floating away in a bubble or cloud.   

 

E - Explore Explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, you are OK.  Notice your breathing and the sensations of your breathing.  Notice the ground beneath you.  Look around and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell.  Right now.  Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the thought or worry, or do something else - mindfully - with your full attention.  

 

 

Edited December 20, 2023 by getofflex

[getofflex]

Can you please put more specifics in your drug signature?  It would help to see drug dosages and dates (as best you can remember) for the past 1 to 1.5 years for your reductions of Lexapro.  Thank you. 

[Tapering2023]

Thanks. The thing is I can do this but the self same harm thoughts come literally every 30 seconds. 
 

So I can only do a technique for so long. Then I spiral and have suicidal thoughts. 
 

I just found out the pneumonia is gone and I have the MTHFR mutation. 
 

going to take 5mg folate. 
 

I dropped lexapro from .9-.85-.8-.8-.75 like that to .55. 
 

but then I switched to a scale and it showed .672 with that amount of liquid. 
 

I didn't stabilize so I went up to .683 after 87 days. 
 

been there since and it’s 123 days now. 
 

been having the harm thoughts all 123 days. 
 

akathisia started coming 3 months in because I just couldn’t take the thoughts anymore. 
 

been fighting daily ever since. 
 

my sleep has improved, it’s the only time I have peace. Outside of maybe 30 minutes to an hour total throughout the day without the thoughts. 

[Tapering2023]

For these persistent two harm thoughts I am having every minute, do they ever stop? 
 

this is common @Ma205? 
 

this seems insanely extreme. 
 

There’s nothing to really do to mitigate them though but to suffer through them right? 
 

Obviously there is the training to not overreact and let them pass but when you have them every minute it’s nearly impossible. 
 

Taking more psychiatric drugs can just prolong healing and cause more complications too… 

 

I guess the only way is to suffer through it and hope to God I stabilize at .683 weighed. 
 

 

[Tapering2023]

Do you guys have specific brands you recommend for magnesium glycinate and omega 3? 
 

I’ve been using natures branch - magnesium glycinate 400 mg (equivalent to 56mg magnesium) with stearic acid, magnesium stearate, di-tab, croscamellose, microcrystalline cellulose, silica. 

 

and Bronsons - epa 1250mg dha 488mg 

[Tapering2023]

@Altostrata is methylfolate okay to take? Got the MTHFR gene mutation and the doc said to start taking 5mg. He isn’t well versed in withdrawal though. 

[LostInCanada]

Altostrata is no longer available to give member support. Please feel free to use the search icon to do a site search for specific information.

 

 

 

[Ma205]

9 hours ago, Tapering2023 said:

@Altostrata is methylfolate okay to take? Got the MTHFR gene mutation and the doc said to start taking 5mg. He isn’t well versed in withdrawal though. 

MTHFR isn’t the only mutation there is related to folate. I tried methylfolate in early wirhdrawal for mtfhr and it drove me MAD. Come to find out I have three slow COMT genes meaning you can’t tolerate methyl donors and it causes severe anxiety. 5mg is a high dose when normal dose for folate is 400-800 mcg a day. I’d start low and go slow and if you get worse stop it. 

[Tapering2023]

Interesting @Ma205. Methyl donors causing anxiety… honestly I’d rather just not take it if there is a risk like that. I can’t really tell what is a worse day or not really. My days are so bad already. 
 

how’d you find out about the other gene mutations? a certain test? 

I wonder if there is something that makes b12 intolerable. I’m sure there is. 
 

I take spirulina powder once a day and it’s high in b12. 
 

I can’t tell if it makes symptoms worse or better though. I just do it for overall health and the immune system as I had pneumonia. It’s gone now thank God.
 

 

 

 

[Emonda]

Hi Tapering2023,

I'm not familiar with the topic; however, you may like to read this post from a bit over 10 years ago on this site:

 

 

[Tapering2023]

@Emonda @LostInCanada @Ma205

 

Trigger warning (especially for ma205)

 

I am having thoughts of my private area getting cut every 20 seconds from the second I wake up to the time I go to bed. Some days I get about 30-45 minutes when I don’t have them. 

 

I am running on fumes right now and am trying every coping strategy I can. But I can only manage it for a few hours a day if that. 

 

Is there anything I can take a small micro dose of to potentially stop the thoughts? 

 

I know there is risk involved but I can’t live like this. It’s utter torture. Desperate for guidance on what could help. 
 

I’ve already tried updosing from .672 to .683, and I know there is risk of kindling. I feel

helpless and powerless in this situation. My dad is keeping me going right now. 
 

I apologize for the intensity of my posts. I’m just fighting for my life everyday and have been for months.

[LostInCanada]

@Tapering2023 I think another updose is worth trying. There were no negative effects from the previous updose correct? Maybe to .695 mg if that feels comfortable. Keep daily hourly notes. See if there is any relief. Hopefully and we can reassess in 10 days. 

So sorry you are dealing with this. 

[Tapering2023]

@LostInCanada
 

Honestly I don’t think that’s going to do anything but thanks for the suggestion. I fear it will just make things worse and then I’m starting from another dosage and having to stabilize there right? 
 

I don’t think there’s really a better option other than suffering through the days with the persistent thought every half minute. 
 

Im

hoping the stress of holiday parties and Christmas is what’s driving the severity of it. 
 

I did have days in November I didn’t have the thoughts for a few hours here and there. The pneumonia is gone, and I’m sleeping every night so that gives me hope for healing. 
 

just waking up with the thought and urge like I’m getting poked down there every half minute or less is so annoying. 
 

even if it was a thought of picking your nose every 15 seconds that could drive someone mad. 
 

It’s crazy, is this a common symptom? It just seems out of the ordinary for me. Could be my withdrawal brain. I know intrusive thoughts are common but the same thought over and over all day? 

[Emonda]

Hi @Tapering2023

 

May I ask what this is:

 

On 10/27/2023 at 12:49 AM, Tapering2023 said:

I switched to this SMA weigher from a syringe.

 

Is it different to the Gemini scale you referred to below?

 

On 10/27/2023 at 12:53 AM, Tapering2023 said:

Just did another syringe read at what’s supposed to be .5 and it came out to .724 on the scale.
 

this doesn’t make sense to me. 
 

is the scale accurate or is the syringe…

 

Are you still drawing out the liquid with a syringe and weighing it on the Gemini scale?

 

If so, how did you work out that the scale wasn't calibrated a while back? Did you use the calibration weight supplied with the device (I don't use one...I just read this is what people do)?

 

How often do you need to calibrate the scale to ensure it is accurate?

 

Do you use the same syringe every day? Are the markings still intact? Mine wear off, so I have to protect them with sticky tape.

 

These days does the liquid in the syringe each day hit the same marker on the syringe, or do you end up adjusting the contents of the syringe based on the scale?

 

I just want to be clear in my mind that you are taking an accurate and consistent dose each day at the same time. 

 

In my case, I keep it simple and consistent. I just use a 0.5ml syringe, and I use the same syringe every day...and I have ~100 spares of the same brand/size.

[Tapering2023]

I make sure the scale is calibrated every time and I take .683 weighed.

[LostInCanada]

On 10/26/2023 at 6:49 AM, Tapering2023 said:

I tried the dosage that I thought was .55 and it showed as .672, so I have been taking that for 2 months. 
 

But I tried putting a .55 marker again in the syringe and it shows .74 instead of .672. 
 

then I tried .5 on the syringe and it came out to .728. 
 

I don’t know how to even get the accurate dose right now and that’s probably why I’m so ***** up. 
 

suicidal thoughts started 2 months ago when I started the .672 on the weighing scale. 
 

gemini-20 weighing scale. 

 

On 10/26/2023 at 6:53 AM, Tapering2023 said:

Just did another syringe read at what’s supposed to be .5 and it came out to .724 on the scale.
 

this doesn’t make sense to me. 
 

is the scale accurate or is the syringe…

These are previous posts that might help @Emonda

 

[Emonda]

Thanks, LostinCanada.

 

Tapering2023, how did you resolve the discrepancy you noticed in October, re-posted by LostinCanada above? 

 

When did you shift from syringe only to syringe and scale?

 

Did things deteriorate with your taper before or after you shifted to the syringe and scale combo?

[Tapering2023]

I started have withdrawal while still using the syringe. 
 

I am going to go up to .7mg. 
 

The syringe dose I believe was like .8-.85 according to the scale although the syringe said .55. 
 

so I am debating whether to just say f it and go up to .8 of lexapro from .683. 
 

I have the harm thought every 20 seconds and now it’s urges with it. 
 

it’s so awful I can’t sleep and I shake and turn all day to fight the urge. 
 

Do you think going from .683 to .8 is smart or too risky?

[Tapering2023]

@LostInCanada @Emonda I am going to try .7mg. if that doesn’t help in 10 days I’m going to go to .725. 
 

Trigger Warning: I am at the point where I can’t continue if I don’t try this. 

[LostInCanada]

@Tapering2023 the syringe dose should be the accurate one to follow.

21 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

 

is the scale accurate or is the syringe…

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but if you are getting liquid Lexapro, does the bottle say 1 mg/1 ml? If that is the case the syringe should be at .683 ml or whatever dose you are taking. I wouldn't worry about the scale weight. 

Or are you making your own liquid from pills?

Have you stayed with the same manufacturer? I know that messed me up really badly.

I am praying you get some relief.

[Tapering2023]

Thanks. I ask that it’s the amneal manufacturer each time, it says it is.

[Tapering2023]

The scale weight is how I take the dose. It’s 1mg/1ml yes. 
 

I am going to .7mg on the scale weight today. 

[Tapering2023]

Should I switch to algae oil? I take 4 omega 3 from bronsons brand. 
 

I also take turmeric and curcumin from Schwartz twice a day.