KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

Hi, My name is Kai.

I was prescribed three meds in the first day. Those were Abilify, Agotine, and Topiramate.

I took them instantly after the meeting with psychiatrist. I was very stressed. I felt not understood.

But that wasn't the problem. The problem occured when I took the second dose after few hours.

I started feeling a strange amount of satisfaction. It was night, and I felt as if I was in a kind of a transitional state. I remember feeling almost supernatural.

There was a different day, which I guess I did almost the same thing after meeting the psychiatrist. I remember it was a day, and the dose might have been changed. Also there might have been added the new pill, Risperidone.

I felt great agitation. I could not stop moving. I saw hallucination. I felt my world was melting down. 

My world was never the same after that.

Honestly, I don't remember if those two were the same day or not. And many other things occured in the other days, but those were what happened when I was struck by meds instantly.

The other days, I felt also very unreal. I felt my world was changing into something else. Since it was the first time I was using the antipsychotics, I thought this was what it was supposed to be doing. 

Later, I started losing my musical abilities. It happened gradually. One day suddenly, I simply wasn't able to play anymore. I still cannot play to this day. Before, I was great at many instruments. I was a musician by heart, feeling arts all throughout the world, loving the poetry and literature, and so on. I also loved movies, but those all disappeared.

I was somewhere apart from the world I used to be in before. There was no 'me' anymore. No more interest, feelings, thoughts, memories. But I was still able to enjoy movies to some extent until I became bedridden. Being bedridden was when I was completely done in my life. At least that is what I felt.

But while I was being bedridden, I slowly recovered in a strange way. It took a long time, and the recovery didn't show any promise of my previous self, I started to feel some normal feelings again, which was not really pleasing to me. I don't know if it was because I was being bedridden, relying on to my family, losing my independence and hope, but the reality felt much worse and resembled that feeling of unfortunate childhood that I've been through. I felt totally immature.

I am very sorry my writing doesn't articulate anything good. I have tried to write this introduction since the beginning of this year, but it took so long to even be able to write something that doesn't look terrible. So since I know you, which are great people who chose to help, would kindly write replies to this pitiful writing, and if you do so and ask me for more specifics, I will try my best to tell more about my symptoms and situations. It also takes very long time for me to remember something, including what I ate for breakfast.

Thank you.

[KenA]

Hi @KaiLee and welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

We are glad that you found your way here. Sounds like you have been through a lot, but the good news is that given enough time, you will slowly heal from what has happened to you. If you have any questions, please read through our website main page and it should answer most of the commonly asked questions. Once again welcome and we hope you find comfort here.

 

Ken

[KaiLee]

Hi @KenA,

Yes I have never experienced such a thing before, and I deeply felt my life was over. But now I know I am not the only one who's being thorugh this, and since I am starting to see some improvements, I do believe now that there is a way to heal.

But I am afraid the things that were most important to me - my musical talent, my facial looks, my other talents and skills, has not come back yet. At the moment I am starting to feel some emotions, and I do have some memories back again. I can also remember longer than few seconds, and do some complex thinking. None of this was possible until few days ago. But my thoughts and memories still disappear into darkness very often.

I also forgot to mention that I also had tardive dyskinesia or dystonia, and I once experienced akathisia, which didn't last for long.

Usually these symptoms were added when the doses of the meds were changed, and continued to last without disappearing. And irritation, suicide ideation, and so on... 

I could not write anything at all, so my post is somewhat a desperate attempt to at least get some help. I really need help, and I know my post is very messy and confusing, but I wish to write more about my symptoms as possible, if it leads to help.

Even if I might not show very much, I want you to know that I was very relieved when I first found this site and to know that there are people who are trying and succeeding to prove this terrible things to gereral public, gives me strength to believe in myself and the world. Thank you very much.

And I also apologize for my terrible English!

[KenA]

@KaiLee Given enough time, I do believe all your musical abilities will return as well. It just takes time to heal. Please read this topic for more information about the healing process.

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Keep hanging in there! Healing happens!

 

Ken

[KaiLee]

Thank you @KenA. Music was almost everything to me, and now I cannot play a single string out of my guitar. Not literally, but the music is gone completely, and this truly breaks my heart. I truly hope I can heal.

By the way, is there any reason my facial appearance should change due to the medications, asides from common symptoms such as weight gain or losing facial expressions?

I did too, not have any facial expressions(any kind of expressions from heart) for a long time but I believe this is something different. From one day I looked very differently, lost all the beauty I had, and sometimes my face had turned as if I was suffering from a severe down syndrom. Now it all has got better, but it is still not the same as it was before.

Also I want to know if the change in the mental status might be reversed. I remember after having those unrealistic days for some time, my whole mental sight was different, and that was when I felt all that meant the most to me were disappeared. I am very worried that it might not be returned.

I also forgot to mention I have CTed the meds before changing into the last set(Abilify, Escitalopram). The last set of pills I only took once, after quitting the meds for about a week. And also during taking the meds, there were many times I took twice a day or skipped some day, or cutting the meds in half. I did this because I was very afraid of changes, and now I understand this has brought the problems even far worse.

I will read through the link you gave me. I am sorry I am writing this before reading that. In fact I tried before, by searching through the site, but I could not focus at all! Now I feel that I can.

 

Thanks!

[KaiLee]

Thank you @KenA. Music was almost everything to me, and now I cannot play a single string out of my guitar. Not literally, but the music is gone completely, and this truly breaks my heart. I truly hope I can heal.

By the way, is there any reason my facial appearance should change due to the medications, asides from common symptoms such as weight gain or losing facial expressions?

I did too, not have any facial expressions(any kind of expressions from heart) for a long time but I believe this is something different. From one day I looked very differently, lost all the beauty I had, and sometimes my face had turned as if I was suffering from a severe down syndrom. Now it all has got better, but it is still not the same as it was before.

Also I want to know if the change in the mental status might be reversed. I remember after having those unrealistic days for some time, my whole mental sight was different, and that was when I felt all that meant the most to me were disappeared. I am very worried that it might not be returned.

I also forgot to mention I have CTed the meds before changing into the last set(Abilify, Escitalopram). The last set of pills I only took once, after quitting the meds for about a week. And also during taking the meds, there were many times I took twice a day or skipped some day, or cutting the meds in half. I did this because I was very afraid of changes, and now I understand this has brought the problems even far worse.

I will read through the link you gave me. I am sorry I am writing this before reading that. In fact I tried before, by searching through the site, but I could not focus at all! Now I feel that I can.

 

Thanks!

 

 

Edit: Plus, if I am using a lot of supplements at once and if it shows some improvement in my symptoms, would it be better to keep using it? I am worried about the healing in the long term, but sometimes I get so desperate and just take a bunch of them which I ordered by gathering the anecdotes, and they made me a lot worse when I used few times before. But this time it seems to be helping, and I wonder I should continue using them.

My biggest fear is that by doing this, I might be ruining the chance for the full recovery, and might result in recovering only about 50%. I know this worry happens due to my lack of knowledge, but it truly scares me a lot. 

[KenA]

10 hours ago, KaiLee said:

I also forgot to mention I have CTed the meds before changing into the last set

I also CT'd everything and still healed. Everyone heals given enough time. You just have to be patient and let the healing happen. Find something like a craft or a hobby that you can do to help you pass the time.

 

10 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Plus, if I am using a lot of supplements at once and if it shows some improvement in my symptoms, would it be better to keep using it?

The only 2 supplements we recommend are fish oil and magnesium. Please see the following link.

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Just keep giving it more time. You will get there!'

 

Ken

[KaiLee]

Thank you @KenA.

I am sorry to ask the same thing again, but I am so afraid that my excessive use of supplements could have disturbed the possibility of full recovery.

Should I believe that body will heal no matter what, until it reaches to the homeostasis back again?

[KenA]

You will heal. Just keep giving it the time it needs. Supplements may set you back a bit, but they wont stop you from healing. 

[KaiLee]

Thanks @KenA for the kind and continued reply. I am truly relieved in that matter, because of you.

However, what do you think about the changed looks? I used to be an exceptionally beautiful man, I am truly not boasting, everybody looked at me with great surprise when I met people on the street. I loved myself from the bottom of my heart, but maybe half of my love was only towards the good look I had. Thinking how empty I have become after losing it and how easily I gave up when I thought I would never get it back.

After the meds, my face even started to grow some hairs I never had before. My eyes open differently in a weird way.

Some days when I am in a good condition I would get some feelings and thoughts back along with some creativity and even half the looks. But it still is not nearly as good as it was.

Anyway, today I was able to enjoy blues again a little bit, so I would call it a very good day.

It's almost 1am in Korea. Good night everyone, and good morning to you.

How about some BB King if you know him?

[KaiLee]

Add: There were days when I would feel exactly same - nothing, but looked great. In fact one day I was acting like a broken robot and felt like it, but I was looking very good once again(still cannot compare!). So I am wondering what makes the difference, which part of my brain is playing this not very funny tricks.

[KenA]

Not sure about the facial changes. Could be muscle or nerve related. Never had that symptom. Here is some more information.

 

 

 

 

 

[KaiLee]

Over days and days, why am I having these immature, bad past memories and feelings? Why is my mind full of these and cannot remember any of the feelings of a mature adult, who seeks for his own path?

I am only starting to have some emotions back again.

Even in the worst days I felt very matured, spiritual, and I seeked for the best of me and the world. In fact I felt like an old man myself, in the age of 25. But it didn't feel bad, in fact it felt nice that I was able to see what used to be wrong with me. So I thought if I heal from this, I would be the best of myself, live to learn, love, and experience my life in a best way as possible. I was only worried that I might get the chance to be a part of it.

Now I don't see any beauty or meaning in the world. I feel so childish. All my visions and thoughts has turned into that of a repressed, immature, misunderstood child, just as I was when I was a younger boy.

I am not sure if this is coming from depression or if it is just another symptom of a withdrawal or an adverse reaction.

This is truly, truly, sad and stressful.

And I don't feel any sadness or joy.

Even if I feel joy, it is that of an unhappy child.

My thoughts are just the same.

When I don't feel alright, I just want to scream all the time.

 

[KenA]

@KaiLee I understand going through the mental symptoms. This truly can be a hard process of healing and it can be a challenge to say the least. Sounds like you are going through a wave of healing right now. Just remember that the waves will eventually come to an end and the light will shine through the window! Hang in there!

[KaiLee]

Thank you, @KenA.

[KaiLee]

I am not really sure what is going on with me at all. I have felt something was healing inside me as some days I was pretty okay this month, but now it seems as some parts of me tries to act normal but the other parts are even much worse.

I feel so much stupid, and I cannot focus on anything at all. One day I could sing, and the other day I was able to play guitar. I really felt the music in me and I felt the real talent. Then there was the other day when I was able to listen to the audiobook from Nietzsche and felt the philosophical thoughts inside me. Also some days I looked good again, and I could feel that very well.

I am having a serious insomnia, which I wake up at 5 or 6 am with such a panic and fear. This I have searched on the site, and was able to get some ideas on what I was going through. Yes, I know I can search, and perhaps the answers are all out there, but I am so afraid. I am afraid that I might end up as a significantly downgraded version of myself. I also have used some supplements, including strong ones called nootropics, so I fear that I might have caused myself a even more serious downfall.

Dear @KenA, your help has been great, but I am hoping my writing would get more replies from other people as well. Is there anything I can do?

I wish I can write more, as I have so many things going on with me, but I cannot recall many things when I try to write something. My memories are terrible, but at the same time my head has been being filled with every terrible memories and thoughts and feelings from my past traumatic days again. It's been a true horror. I also still cannot act normally in public, even at home. Every doctor I meet try to address me to psych ward and won't have sympathetic or understanding talk. I am becoming significantly weak in every ways.

[KaiLee]

What can I possibly do to get more help? Please let me know. I feel I am in a big trouble, but at the same time, I feel the least motivated to try anything at all. I don't know what to do.

[Chompoo]

@KaiLee I am another person who had an immediate adverse reaction to ONE pill. After going through many many doctors, I finally got a diagnosis.

 

Do you have a history of taking antibiotics, corticosteroids, antacids, proton pump inhibitors, birth control pills, opiods (e.g. marijuana) etc? Or a history of autoimmunity or poor immune health?

I would suggest that you find out whether you can get an Organic Acids Test in your country. It is something like this:
https://mosaicdx.com/test/organic-acids-test/

It is not offered in Western style hospitals but integrative/holistic clinics. If such tests are not available, you can get them in Bangkok/Thailand (I live here). It costs about 376,000 KRW.

[KaiLee]

I also have this very tight feeling overall on my head, which clitches, gets stuck, and gives me a very strange weird feeling. Sometimes when I feel something from here my thoughts and actions, emotions gets very worse and takes a long time to restore or change(to even get worse), even a day.

My all cognition, abilities, thoughts, imaginations, maturity, spirituality, which is a term I am not so sure what it means, feelings, I was a very progressive man with an aspiring feeling for many things. Now they're gone, and if something comes back, or changes, it is always something much worse. Even things I had a month or two ago is even gone, and changed for worse. 
Would this only mean that my recovery isn't something that will be solved in an easy amount of time? 
I've been thinking well, maybe I am heading towards normal pretty quickly as I felt something 'normal' again, compared to that feeling of being in an outer space or something. But even so, this is not who I am, at all. Normal, but somebody else. Normal, but someome who doesn't know anything. Who is a mistreated child. Who's worldview is stuck at that moment of when everything seemed so dull and distant, as you can fetch your hand towards anything but you see nothing, and even if you do, it is mostly all the ugly things that you won't let in yourself. But the moment you notice, they're in you everywhere. I don't know if I am writing something that makes sense to me.

[KaiLee]

Dear @Chompoo, my history for anything related to meds might be a short period of antidepressant prescription, only taking them twice or so. I am not so sure whether it was an antidepressant, but I was prescribed for depression, so that's my guess.

Another thing might be that within a certain period, I took a lot of vitamin drinks, mineral drink, and such, which you could get easily from any shop in Japan. I was living in Tokyo, and often I would skip the meal completely and feed myself only with those throughout the whole day, or some other days I will just take a lot of sweet drinks or energy drinks, I cannot recall all but all those sorts of drinks. But I was very healthy as well, as I could walk the whole day and still have strength in me.

Today was a very weird, I might say even wicked day. My current symptom, a new one which continued for few days, is reaching some point. My physical health got better due to excersise, and my looks got better, as I could clearly see myself better in the mirror many times(which also the people's eyes towards me are filled with different feelings), but intellectually and within my mind, I feel the worst ever. Maybe I can write something somehow, read something a little, but I see no imagination or no deep thoughts inside me at all, and I feel like a toddler all the time. 
God, I don't even know what I am writing or whether I am writing anything that makes sense.

Sorry @KenA, I was trying to leave this to you in the previous writing but I did something wrong. Since you have been a great help for me, I hope you can help me with this time as well. Inside, I am more afraid and fragile as ever. I feel like I have collapsed.

[KaiLee]

I can watch movies either, I can't seem to understand anything. Books, arts, movies, concepts, they are all gone again.

But at least I could have enjoyed movies and had deep thoughts and connection towards them, and through them further into the world that I have always loved and wish to love as beautiful as it can be. Now I have lost that ability as well, and I feel myself like a meat machine that only works by its biological needs.

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but I also have terrible insomnia as well. Like many people, I wake up at 5 or 6, terrible dream, with a great fear and terrible feeling in all the world. And that doesn't get better when I get to sleep some more, even a lot more, the best it might get is to forget how terrible I feel. Then I move on, and I go on a bike ride. That is the only thing I am able to focus on, I look front, and make my eyes stuck on the front so I wouldn't see nothing else. It was a decision I made to buy I first expensive road bike, and it was a bingo. If not for this, I surely have been in some wrong planet by now.

I have seen more doctors, and my possible illness list has become longer. Once depression and OCD, perhaps ADHD has become schizophrenic and bipolar, whatnot and so on. Once they are stuck in the idea and the reaction that patient shows, which obviously some patient might show a relying emotion or a neglective emotion, the doctors get extremely easy to understand what they see as only to what they already know.

I am very sorry. I don't know if I am writing something that makes sense or grammatically readable. But I know I have something much better in me, and that will be my excuse for everything. Because it's true! I sometimes do see me in that color. But what a shame it doesn't even live longer than a day and die so soon.

[Chompoo]

@KaiLee

sorry to say this but all those sweet drinks might have done you in. All the bacterial and yeast in our stomach grow the fatest with sugar, and an overgrowth causes illness. And as they say, the stomach is the second brain. It has been shown in research that imbalances in the microbiome can cause psychiatric symptoms. This is not helped by your patchy nutrition from skipping meals. Certain vitamins and minerals are essential in keeping the pathogenic bacterial and yeasts in check. I hope you have stopped this very harmful practice and feeding yourself with proper meals now. Stop all these sweet drinks. In fact, cut out all simple carbs from your diet now.

I really suggest you do the Organic Acids Test I mentioned and set yourself on the path to healing.

 

 

[KenA]

@KaiLee You are displaying the typical Windows and Waves pattern of healing. Feeling good again like you are all healed and gonna be ok, then bam, you feel terrible again and it feels like you will never heal. This is how healing happens. What you are experiencing is normal. Wait till the wave passes, then you will feel better. Like I told you, the waves are necessary for your healing. Hang on tight while you go through them, then enjoy the window of peace that comes after. You will be ok.

[KaiLee]

Thank you @KenA, but I fear that I don't see any consistency in my status, and I constantly feel different and mentally ill as the time progresses. I have heard about the steps, but for me, as I take the steps, I feel thar my parts are being replaced by something else which eventually turns me into someone else. This feeling is something I had since I ever took the meds, and the feeling I get is not very close to being well or complete. I feel as if I have become one of those can robots you can make out of unused materials in a factory, just made for a sparetime joy with no significant function.

One week I will be this, I am that, I can do that, and I say, oh I am worth it. But the other week I lose all that, and my 'things' change, my whole being changes, and I cannot do this or that or whatever me or other people need and want me to do.

Today I may look good, so I feel like a manequinne. Fashionable, but if you try to move it, it may show the most grotesque movement you can ever imagine from it doing. That is me. That is what I show in public. And I am always the lonely audience who can never leave but have to watch the show. I cannot fix anything.

I hope you understand my strange English. But this is not how it always is. I just cannot think what might be right or wrong, how things may be percieved from others. But I have so many things I want to write about. It truly gives me pain that I cannot write them all. 

@Chompoo, I wish to say that I have quit that lifestyle about a year ago, but I guess the truth is I have lived a similar lifestyle more or less for such a long time in my life. Heavy caffeine, sugar, teas, vitamin, and so on. But I am sticking on a healthy lifestyle as much as possible, and the only enemy is the sleep. The previous enemy was a lack of excersise, and it has given birth to this new enemy while it disappeared.

I guess I now feel some creativity but have no possession of any tools to pick them out and make them real. I guess that is the reason of my strange writing style. Believe me, in the past I could write as normal and gentle as I could. But few weeks ago I had no concept to share my thoughts and feelings with others, so I guess this might be some improvement or at least a change. Honestly, I feel so strange at the moment and I am knocked out by these unwishful changes I am being through over time, I feel like I possess absolutely no possession over my life. One day I will live with hope, and for the next week I become a puppet with no owner to move any strings. That is the way I am now. I feel very creepy in every possible way, and in public, I am always a humiliation. Just a week or two ago, I had this feeling of music inside me again for once, I felt intelligent and determined for another day, but now they're all gone. 

Edited January 19 by KaiLee

[KaiLee]

I am not sure if this is common, but I have become filled with childhood traumas and feelings again, eventually losing all independence and individuality. My thought process and feelings have also become very immature. No matter how much I try to ignore or correct it, they won't listen and persist to stay as they wish. Then those become my world, my worldview, my whole psyche. I live in a different world all of a sudden and I see no escape. The only way I cope with it is to go on a bike ride. Talking with people doesn't help anymore, as I feel no organised intellect inside me. I cannot help but to react like a child again, crying for help, but obviously no one has a single idea of what's going in inside me, and their kind effort to help will only add a scar on my already fragile ego.

Oh damn, I had something I wanted desperately to write about, but now it has disappeared. This, is truly something that kills me slowly inside, puts me into a complete silence, and do I believe, silence to myself is the ultimate death in this condition...

[KaiLee]

I am experiencing the worst negativity in my mind this evening.

Until this morning to the early afternoon, I was experiencing such a surprising things in my mind that I was able to feel like a child once again, but this time in a good meaning, that I was able to think and feel without all the bad prejudices I have developed since childhood due to many stressful events.

But unfortunately, it didn't last long. While riding a bike, when I noticed I might be late for the therapy session, I gradually started feeling anxiety and it grew up more and more until it queit became unberable again. I was avoiding people again, until Iet the therapist in his office. Even after meeting a therapist, talking to him for a few hours, I was feeling terribly exhausted with every word I had to speak, feeling weak and miserable, misunderstood. Obviously he wasn't able to understand what I was saying, so he misinterpreted everything I said and try to give his own advice, which only gave me more stress. But I have to understand him, because this is not what a normal person would ever even dream to experience.

At the end of the session, I felt totally inferior as myself, became my worst self I have been in years, and now, which is late night, I feel that I am stuck into this forever.

I fear that I have lost all the wisdom and clear mind and would not be able to get them back. The bravery and strong heart I had has competely disappeared.

My only hope is that my mind will resolve it on its own when I can get some rest. Somehow through this terrible insomnia.

But this episode has made me wonder, what happens to our psyche when the effects of the meds are silencing our thoughts and feelings? I remember feeling absolutely like a kind of a zombie for few months, when no change in my mind occured whatsoever. What changes have occured to me lately that allowed me to see myself in such a different, much better way? And why, all of sudden, all the bad things have to return to my mind?

I cannot think clear now, but I have felt and thought a lot more than this, and I must know a lot more about mind. Starting from mine. I would never go back to that bad version of myself, even death would be better than to live in such a sheltered, prejudiced mind again.

[KaiLee]

Just until few days ago I had a way of thinking, yes, I must be very fortunate to be like this, to compare myself to the people who suffer much worse than me without having a single hope, living in a true burden, and then I was able to have a good plan for myself that has been born throughout these worst days, the plan was something that I couldn't have possibly have made have I not been ill.

But since now that hope has dissappeared, the only consistency I had in mind since taking the meds, better thoughts, better heart, better understanding, much wiser self, is gone.

I am now left with a lifeless body, a mind without a soul. I am haunted by every memories, be them mine or not.

[KaiLee]

I am discussing with my parents about admitting myself into an open ward, to stay there for few weeks and examine. Would anyone consider this to be a nice decision?

I understand my bad writing and the dark and irrational feelings I wrote them with isn't helping people to read and react to my post. I myself would not even read my post if I were not like this.

But even I am giving myself a hard times only due to having exaggerated worries, please anyone, I need some more advice.

I wish I can be strong enough to do all the researches by myself, but now I am so hopeless, and I have almost completely lost my individual strength to take care about myself. As I couldn't even write about my symptoms in my post with a detail I wanted to, and even if from inside I know what should be done to help myself, I cannot think of anything but to scroll up and down on this website, searching for nothing.

So please, if someone can give me the help I need? I would be so much grateful for your advice. Any advice.

Again, I apologize to anyone who may reading this that am not being an appropriate person. Also with the terrible grammar and texture and so on. I am feeling like an eight year old again.

[Len189]

Im very sorry to hear about your struggles! Im not sure an open ward would be good idea, as they would probably encourage you to take more medications and probably don't know about withdrawal syndrome (if it is anything like western Europe). Do you have any place else you might go to for support in your community? Or maybe some things you might do at home to feel a bit better, like small physical exercises, breathing exercises, meditation etc. Hope it doesn't sound glib. I'm hoping you feel relief very soon.

[KaiLee]

Hi, @Len189. Thank you for your kind concerns.

I agree with your thoughts about the ward.

Lately I've been thinking if I won't have to take the medications, and if I have a choice to leave as soon as I want, than it might be worth trying for the examinations they might offer.

Still, I decided not to go after thinking about the extreme stress I might have to go through. I have had enough amount of stress from meeting the doctors in the past. 

 

I am searching for art therapies, and some music therapies. But until now, I have been struggling to find a place or an activity that will make me truly feel well.

I am also trying to do some excersise by myself. I often go for a bike ride, and I do some push-ups for the first time in my life. I have never done this by wanting it.

I really would like to try meditations or breathing excersises, along with yoga, but I have been failing to do so. But definitely, I will try.

It is truly a struggle for me to write anything at the moment, so please understand for my bad writing.

(As one says, this way of saying has a meaning thst I have better expectations for myself)

And I do. Even during these days, there are days when I am much better in every ways. I am just very afraid that it might not come back, as it feels so real that it won't.

Thanks again, it's been a rough time for me, and your kind comment has given me some time I can spend with some peace and pleasure.

[KaiLee]

Before the insomnia, and the great anxiety that has followed, I was able to rely on my own thoughts and feelings, although struggling in every aspects.

I was starting to feel truly grateful towards life, the wonders I could explore when the past life that occupied me missing, and I was finally able to plan my own life with a strong trust in myself, which I was never able to do before.

I was able to find something that I would be able to call a inner beauty.

I had such better understanding about myself and the world, and the attitute I must have towards the life.

It truly terrifies me that I might not be able to have these thoughts and understandings again.

How, I do not know, but now all that has disappeared, and only the bad emotionsis has took its part.

Now my thoughts are only coming out from these emotions, and they have nothing in it, nothing to appreciate at all.

I feel worse than empty.

I am so sad that I had to lose this.

But I will do everything and learn everything to get that wisdom again.

Sorry for writing something so stupid.

The photo is me wearing a glove I bought from child's play shop, which I impulsively bought for my needs.

 

[KaiLee]

It's like there's a giant spider at the center of my mind made of prejudices, hurt, neglection, pain, fear, hate, guilt, anger, and so on, and no emotion or thoughts can escape them anymore.

Then that becomes my life. 

How can I cure myself?

 

And it constantly speaks. It would never shut up. It woudn't get satisfied even if I listen to them all.

It cannot be communicated.

It's a monster!

[KaiLee]

I am very sorry for using this post as if it's my own notebook.

I must have forgotten that there are so many people who haven't ever seen any hope for years, compared to that I must be very fortunate to have some improvements soon enough.

I must be patient, and to all people who immensely suffer, I give my best cheers to you.

[KaiLee]

Just until few days ago I had a part of my musical ability back, in fact theoretically I felt I was much better, and I felt promised about myself again.

Not only music, but in every ways I felt my eyes were opened and I could see through things much easily, and clearly.

It doesn't show on the posts I wrote becausr I only wrote when I was terrible.

But now, they are gone again. Not even a sign of it is left. I am completely useless, and I feel that every time, everywhere I go.

I was trying to use some homeopathic medicines, but my Korean medicine doctor told me not to use any of.

Personally, I don't know. I don't feel anything helps, and I don't know what helps or what doesn't.

I am so confused and tired. I am just, so terrified that I lost it, and I am afraid that this time I will never get anything back again.

I hope when this wave passes, something might get better.

That I will see the better myself again, even upgraded than I was.

Right now, I feel I am the worst ever.

Ever in my entire life. I am in the lowest moment.

[KaiLee]

 

I have just read this post.

In fact, I now remember having read it few months ago, when I was in a complete darkness.

It was so beautiful to read, and I could not hesitate to share this beautiful post, from a beautiful person.

I must read it all.

I also have felt that I have been being through the dark night of the soul, and I was truly happy and grateful when I had realised such beautiful things that I have never dreamt to understand in the life before I took the meds.

I felt a genuine love towards this world, this short frame of existence we cannot choose but to share, and must reach to the end in the best understanding as possible.

Today I met a woman and immediately felt love.

Surprisingly, I was able to understand that my mind was being kept in the darkness of my unconscious, and soon as I felt love, I felt something was trying to move outside from it.

Now I feel great confusion. Because now I also know I have been avoiding love all my life.

My life was built on a habit to avoid everything that I truly felt.

I was repeating myself every day and I had no understanding of my darkness, although I have always thought I knew of it.

Love will make growth. I must thrive to attain the wisdom I once felt again.

The guidance is in my heart, and I believe this period of silence has truly brought me a unique chance of growth.

Today my body aches the worst. I had a nosebleed at night, and saw bruises on my back when I showered. I was knocked out in the middle of the day because I was so tired from not sleeping enough.

I hope tommorrow will be different. I truly hope to get a chance again. 

Now I know I have never lived, and my life truly begins now.

I regret to write in such negativity again, but I have felt truly grateful for the people on this site who geniunely tries to help others.
Thank you,

Kai

[KaiLee]

Now I start to remember the other side of my memory. My beautiful life, the beauty I felt, how beautiful I looked. How much beauty I felt, and how much I wanted.

I once lived in a giant castle that was enough to contain all the world in itself, and in that castle, every door opened towards every different world that leads me to a wonderous place which only I, in the whole world, secretely knew.

 

Yes, I was alone.

 

So now I claim that I had lived once, and I am a different person in a slightly changed body, only yet to recover. I say this as I am being born now.

 

But how, I have loved my life so much.