KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

I feel so much hatred towards myself. I can't trust my feelings. I hate myself so much that I don't even want to watch or listen to anything that pleases me. I hate myself so much that I even had energy yesterday but didn't want to go ouside. Instead, I forced myself to sit and not move even my body is screaming because of discomfort. 

I feel hatred towards everything. I feel lost. But I know this feeling too well. I know this feeling because I felt the same in the past. Why are these occuring to me? Why am I getting stuck in every feeling that I hated so much in the past? 
Now it doesn't even feel like 'symptoms' anymore, it just feels like I am stuck into this forever. I feel no 'life' anymore, but only personal problems. This is how I felt in the past, and now I know how cruel it is to feel like this all the time...

I feel guilty about not sharing any positive thoughts.

[KaiLee]

What can I do, what shall I do?

I feel so helpless, clueless...

I need some help.

[KaiLee]

[Kaylaq]

I see you, I hear you, …. 💪  call a crisis line, get to a therapist!  I’m sorry, I don’t have any answers for you, but to remind you that your brain is hurting, and healing at the same time!  I know the despair is excruciating….

 

one breathe at a time!!!  One breathe at a time!!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🥰🥰🥰  

[KaiLee]

Thank you so much.... 🥰

[KaiLee]

Feeling so horrible...

I even wish I can go back to where I was a while ago.

I had much more peace in me.

But now...

Nothing is as intense as it used to be, but that is not making me feel any better.

Perhaps emojis can explain much better than my words.

🥶🤢🤕🤐🫥😨😡

In fact, these are great!

[KaiLee]

🥶 Coldness in my emotion

😡 I am very easily irritated, mostly filled with anger

🤢 I'm extremely worried, and I always feel like I can't breath

😨 I'm horrified and I feel terror

(😱 perhaps more like this)

🫥 I feel like I don't exist

🤐 I can't express or speak about my emotions

🤕 I feel like my head is damaged

😵 Body pain

And there's much more.

 

Well, I better not explain them in words. Words are making things only worse. I can't really describe anything by using words now. Something in my brain literally won't allow me to do it.

 

But writing this has made me feel a little better. 

😄

 

Also my heart is broken. I can't feel any good things anymore.

💔

 

Good night everyone (it is to me), I wish I could feel naturally sleepy like this one does (And not wake up in horror).

🥱

[BaccatePlayer]

20 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

Feeling so horrible...

I even wish I can go back to where I was a while ago.

I had much more peace in me.

But now...

Nothing is as intense as it used to be, but that is not making me feel any better.

Perhaps emojis can explain much better than my words.

🥶🤢🤕🤐🫥😨😡

In fact, these are great!

I wish you find your peace again soon. Mood is temporary, tommorow may still be better. Sending lots of positive energy, remember that you are not defined by today's feelings.

[KaiLee]

@BaccatePlayer, Thank you very much.  

I wish you could find your peace as well.

[KaiLee]

Excruciating emotional pain.

But these are not just withdrawal symptoms anymore.

Not anymore.

🥶

[KaiLee]

I need to feel better to be able to face my darkness and pain.

That means I must heal my body first.

I really should excercise, even though going outside has become such a difficult thing for me.

Even if I sometimes feel some energy, I just ignore it and put myself back in the massage chair, no matter how my body aches when I am sitting on that thing.

Then all the pain starts to get more intense again.

But my life depends on it. I must move.

 

 

[KaiLee]

My pain is just too excruciating, and now I realize I've been feeling this way for almost my entire life.

Why did it had to come back?

[KaiLee]

Unbearable pain.

It hurts me so much because I know and remember this pain. All of this comes from my past.

It's so excruciating. 

[KaiLee]

On the positive side, magnesium helped me ease the pain in my body. I wonder how much I can take in a single day. I cannot survive with such pain.

[KaiLee]

I wish I could forget all of my past memories. I really wish I could erase every memory. I desperately wish for it.

[KaiLee]

My memory makes me want to end my life. I remember I've felt this way all the time.

[KaiLee]

And I find myself keep trying to return to pain, instead of finding peace.

I've always been like this.

 

Oh, not remembering anything about my past was such a bliss for me.

What can I do now?

[KaiLee]

I questioned to myself so many times, why am I born in this world? Why did I come to life to experience such an endless and terrible pain, without even knowing the reason?

Why is this happening to me?

Why...?

I questioned this every day to myself.

My life was painful, meaningless, confusing, awkward, and the list goes on.

I was also crazy.

[KaiLee]

 

 

 

Few songs that sometimes helps me.

Otherwise I listen to lullabies, classical music, calming sounds, and blues-rock music.

[KaiLee]

I just wish I don't get hurt by these memories anymore.

That's my only wish for now.

[Kaylaq]

🙏🙏 🙏 sending you courage and strength to endure another day!!! 😍😍   
 

there are no answers to the question “why” only the courage, self love, self compassion to make a different choice for yourself!!  

[KaiLee]

Thank you, @Kaylaq 😘

Courage, strength, self love, self compassion. ☺️

[KaiLee]

I am losing hope again.

I never knew this could happen to me.

It feels worse than ever.

😓💔

[KaiLee]

I wish more than ever that I could heal from this.

[KaiLee]

Every single memory that pops up tortures me.

 

[KaiLee]

I'm experiencing terrible loneliness, depression, skin irritation, digestive issues, inability to eat peacefully, constant exhaustion, lack of clear thinking, absence of wise thoughts, and no love for humanity, art, and music.

Additionally, I've lost interest in love and feel overwhelmed by confusion. It feels as though my brain is being mixed in a mixer.

And I feel there's much more.

 

I'm using ChatGPT to make my sentence grammatically correct. I also feel like a completely different person again.

But obviously, I'm 'healing'. Everything feels much 'closer' now. It's not like I'm in an abyss anymore, at least not physiologically.

But maybe psychologically, yes. But I don't know. I never knew what was going on inside myself.

So I will wait with hope, courage, and love for myself.

I just regret so much that I'm not doing my best to help myself. I've lost so many opportunities.

[BaccatePlayer]

37 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I am losing hope again.

I never knew this could happen to me.

It feels worse than ever.

😓💔

 

33 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I wish more than ever that I could heal from this.

 

3 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

Every single memory that pops up tortures me.

This is exactly what I was thinking about myself lately too. Please KaiLee, try to put your focus elsewhere. I know it feels insanely overwhelming and you may feel you can't leave your state unsupervised, but rumminations will really only make it worse. It feels like it doesn't work at first, maybe it takes hours or days, but the only way out of desperation and panic is to put an off mode to every thought related to this condition. I also feel like breaking apart from all that burden, but I hear you! I know it feels impossible, but really do your best to escape these neuromoods. Don't just stay there receiving punches, you have nothing to lose anyways, just please put an effort to not let this win you over. I believe in you! It won't pass instantly, but your attempt will really matter, don't give up KaiLee, please!

[KaiLee]

Mindfulness is what I need.

🙏

[KaiLee]

Oh, thank you so much @BaccatePlayer.

Your saying "you have nothing to lose" really woke me up.

Thanks a lot, haha.  It really did!

[KaiLee]

Yes, what have I got to lose... You're so right.

[KaiLee]

How come I have forgotten about such an important thing...

Thank you so much, again!

[mariamisery]

You will get through this KaiLee.  Being defeated always will come if you keep looking backwards. Also, don't try to look ahead because no one knows the future. Stay in the present.  We all know how difficult this process is. Today is a window day for me. Not a perfect window but doing my best to appreciate it. Find something going on today you can appreciate.  Your situation is bad but it could be worse so look for some postives.  Standing  together to heal .

[KaiLee]

And now although I am in the darkness, I feel that I have now an umbrella that protects me from the darkness, and the pouring rain.

Thank you @mariamisery, I am very glad you're having windows today. I wish your recovery as much as mine. I hope you're having a nice day.

[KaiLee]

I just feel so angry.

So angry towards the people whom I met on the street.

Those who calls me disabled.

Usually those people have same mindset. I know them. I've known them for a long time. And I refused to be one of them.

Yesterday, while walking back home, I just wanted to look at the bright sky, feeling how the world seems so big and marvelous, wonderful and full of mystery.

I felt that wonderful feeling of 'life is ahead' again.

But then as in a way it always happens, there are so many people who cannot stand someone who wants to appreciate nature and life.

I've been surrounded by such people all my life, those people who finally succeded in bringing me down to the bottom where they wanted me to be.

All they want is to make other person feel the same pain as they feel.

That is my country. My city, my hometown.

I feel so angry.

I feel so, so much anger in me.

It is sharp as a knife, and I know I've been bleeding for a while.

That is why I listened to blues music, rock music.

Only those music my pain and anger 'gone' for a while.

How people ruined my peaceful world, my beautiful life, my genuine desire and love to live in peace and happiness.

 

[BaccatePlayer]

I'm sorry Kai... Obviously stay true to your emotions, but remember to take care of yourself. Anger is still stressful, so I hope you don't stay angry for too long. You did nothing wrong, therefore no need to take it personally. Your anger doesn't reach them, thus it would be pointless to suffer unneccessarly because of them.

[KaiLee]

Thank you.

I know... Anger would never bring me anything that's good.

Also those people only exist in my mind now.

But the hurt, the pain at the moment was real.

How I felt my heart was being ripped apart, how such precious moment was taken away so easily by somebody else.

How meaningless their attitude was.

I am also frightened now, scared from deep inside.

 

I just woke up from shallow sleep, and I cannot go back to sleep now.

I've been repeating this song for hours.

 

 

I wish I can be a singer-songwriter myself.