KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

I feel as if my whole world has blown up.

I am desperate for hope.

[KaiLee]

I really have lived a horrible life.

All of the 'bad things' I mentioned, I've always felt them simultaenously in the past.

No wonder I felt like being tortured every minute in my life.

No wonder my only hope was to 'leave'.

But why do I have to go back to being like that again...?

Please, it hurts enough to remember how much pain I had to endure from that young age, and how many precious days I had to waste for just suffering more and more.

I could've been everything. Instead I became worse than nothing. I might have become so great at this age, have I had a slightly different environment. If someone just understood me and took care of me.

 

[KaiLee]

I just can't believe.

I've lived with that extreme confusion and unexplanable, unbearable pain since I was a child!

For that long! Almost for twenty years!

And it already felt like a torture back then.

It never ended.

No wonder I couldn't grow up at all.

[Kaylaq]

So sorry the emotions are intense! Being off meds, your system/brain has a lot of emotions to release!   However you are focusing on the past, you can’t change it! You have to release, release, forgive! You are the one now responsible for what you choose to focus on!  Focus on today, and a life you want to create as you heal! 
 

today, I had a bad wave, the critic demon was trying to take me down! I kept repeating “I’m not my thoughts, I’m not my thoughts, I’m a good person, I’m good enough as I am today! This to shall pass”  we have to allow the emotions to pass through but not become intangle with them! Yes, I know, easier said then done 😝🤪😊

 

i repeat to myself, “Every day, I am healing, I’m am resilient, I’m creating a new me” 

 

🙏🏻🙏🏻👍🏻👍🏻💪💪🥰

[KaiLee]

Thank you.❤️🥰

 

This afternoon (it's 4pm here) I've tried some caffeine (yerba mate tea), and it has really rescued me from that terrible, horrendous never-ending pain I was suffering from.

The pain was so bad that I truly wished I wasn't alive anymore...

Life just seemed like an endless torture.

 

Now I can see how completely impossible it was for me to feel or think anything good and positive.

 

Anyway, all things have passed now. I don't know what happens from now on, but I am so relieved.

[KaiLee]

I can finally feel some compassion, too!

But I'm still afraid. Anything might bring me down again.

I should be very careful about the way how I treat myself. 

I am still very nervous, and I feel unstable.

[Emonda]

Dear Kailee,

Responding to the message you sent me offline, I would encourage you to read over the helpful comments made by many of the members/mentors/moderators on your thread.

 

I know KenA has already referred you to this: Windows and waves pattern of stabilization , but it is worth highlighting again.

 

I also find it beneficial to reflect on these, too:

Emotional Spirals and Non-drug coping strategies

 

I don't know if you drink alcohol, but I'd avoid that. It is unhelpful for the recovery process.

 

I feel your pain, KaiLee. Keep fighting.

 

Best wishes, Emonda

 

[KaiLee]

Dear @Emonda, thank you.

 

To you and other moderators whom I've sent the message, I am very sorry if it bothered you. I wasn't aware of it. Again, I am sorry.

 

I was too afraid not to know about what I asked, and I thought I might not be able get the answer otherwise. So I felt I must directly message to the people who might know the answer. I was very desperate.

Again, I am very sorry.

 

I am just recovering enough to be able to remember about my past (memory that is not just filled with pain, and more pain) and read again (without forgetting everything I have read just within a second). I feel the closest to being 'normal' now. 

 

I cannot believe how different I am feeling now, just compared to how I was feeling this morning.

I wasn't able to feel any hope at all, and my whole being was just filled with a disastrous pain and never ending despair. I felt like I was being tortured since the day of my birth. And there was also much more things I felt that I cannot explain due to its extremely strangeness...

I don't think anyone can explain about these. It's just absolutely too terrible and strange.

 

I will read through what you have recommended for me, when I'm feeling better. In fact I've already tried reading them in the past (as I can remember now), but I wasn't able to read anything at all back then. I still might need some more time to be able to read such things.

 

Thank you, and best wishes to you, too. I am very grateful for your respond.

 

Kai

 

 

 

[KaiLee]

By the way, I don't drink alcohol. I was too afraid to even try. But I did drink a cup of wine in the beginning of the symptoms, and it absolutely did nothing to me back then.

But nothing did anything to me in those days anyway, and I remember once I even took 30 supplements at once out of desperation and felt no change at all.

Actually, I guess it was more than once I did that...

 

But I drink a lot of Kefir these days and occasionally I put a small amount of vanilla extract in the dessert I make.

But recently, I've been trying to eat extremely healthy as long as my body and mind allows me to do so. And kefir helped me quite a lot, probably just because it's very tasty for me.

[KaiLee]

I am feeling unbelievably better, but I am still feeling very shaky and I can tell my mind is very confused.

But at least now I can have a hope to be healed again. That is more than enough to me.

So much gratitute for people who helped me to get through this extremely difficult time.

Thank you.

[KaiLee]

Now I can tell, I've always had an extreme fear and dislike for authorities.

The hatred was so big that I almost felt I could risk my life for rebelling against it.

But the great thing about this site is that there is no authority for control.

And I feel grateful for what this site has offered. I feel like this is a place where we can truly share about our experiences. About how we feel, how we suffer, and how we must heal.

Thank you.  

[KaiLee]

@BaccatePlayer, I guess you were right about how I was coming closer to an end.

I still don't feel good enough, and I am still very fragile, but now I feel a certain kind of triumph for how better I am feeling now.

Thank you, and I believe you will see some more light in your coming days as well.

 

@Kaylaq, I can't thank you enough for your kind words you always send to me. I just hope you're having a better day today. 🥰

[KaiLee]

I don't know why, occasionally when I start to feel better, I also feel as if I've become a liar. 

And I can tell that this is also how I've felt in my previous life as well.

After all, there is no doubt my life in the past was very painful and full of confusion.

I don't know how I'll feel tommorrow, but I would rather just focus on this moment, as much as I can.

I must go outside and walk to ease this confusing and frustrated mind, but it is very difficult to find any courage.

There's a very long way to go.

[KaiLee]

Now I am confused. Which part of it was true? 

There's no doubt my life has been one meaningless torture, but at least there were some ways I could breath some fresh air, even though the chance didn't come so often.

I guess what I have felt recently was true, but only the 'good things' I simultaneously felt were missing. My bad English won't allow me to be able to explain this.

I don't know what I am writing about now. I am still very confused (as now I can remember, like I always was) but not extremely confused like I have been lately.

I liked how I was feeling a while ago (before the last torture came to me). I loved that peaceful feeling I was able to feel, despite being intensely diminished cognitively and having terrible and bizzare symptoms at the same time.

[KaiLee]

I feel so afraid for being punished. Now I can see, that's what my fear is telling me now. This is also how I've always felt before.

My life was utterly terrible. I wish I could explain how horrible it was. 

But I just want to move away from it. I want to feel peace and confidence again. I want to feel content with myself. I want to love the world. I want to live with passion and love, meet a woman I love, love her with kindness and compassion...

But everything still feels so distant and impossible for me. It all seemed possible to me just few weeks ago. I miss that feeling.

But at least now I have hope back again now. 

[KaiLee]

I've got a long way to go. 

[KaiLee]

I fear that I might be punished again for something.

This comes a long way since my upbringing.

I was too afraid about too many things. I was always in a constant fear that I might be scolded for doing something wrong. That included going to bathroom, speaking loud, dancing, singing, everything. Everything you can imagine. Not a thing I didn't feel ashamed of doing. I couldn't even drink water without thinking of some special reason. I didn't know how or why to sleep. The list goes on forever. Of course I could not function in privtate or as a part of the society. I quickly became an outcast. When I was very young, I was a very social kid who had many friends and who enjoyed playing outside so much.

I do remember feeling some loneliness and sadness, especially the feeling that the unbreakable 'happiness' in my life is suddenly, and already starting to fall apart when I was about 8 years old. It just suddenly came into my mind. But I was still quite, or very happy back then. I can't remember very well, though. At least I was happy enough, and the true misery started to happen few years later.

I don't know why I was so afraid of so many things. I just couldn't feel natural about doing anything, at all.

I was practically like a broken robot.

[KenA]

Waves and windows Just remember when you at your lowest, you have nowhere to go but up! Ride the waves and trust the windows  

[BaccatePlayer]

4 hours ago, KaiLee said:

@BaccatePlayer, I guess you were right about how I was coming closer to an end.

I still don't feel good enough, and I am still very fragile, but now I feel a certain kind of triumph for how better I am feeling now.

Thank you, and I believe you will see some more light in your coming days as well.

One thing you may want to keep in mind is that your mood can change drastically within hours, let alone days. Even without symptoms, you are still quite vulnerable to many stressors for some period of time. Overthinking, analyzing - all this is very taxing. Don't expect all your good memories to come and stay forever. It will all sort itself out, but don't fixate on that cause otherwise it will be very confusing and feel like eternity. You're discovering yourself again, embrace it with patience. It won't run away from you, really!

 

Caffeine is generally not advised as it may be a relief short term, but shake and stimulate your nervous system later. If it works for you, that's good, just remember that in case. Best slowly approach introducing such things and see how you react, so you know what to do next.

 

I also thank you a lot, Kai! Does that mean you feel like your recovery journey is really ending? That'd be lots of hope because I'm like 33 days behind you with my recovery and we had the same issue (immediate adverse reaction) with similair symptoms. You seem to try to work it out all at once and you rightfully see that you're still fragile. Be gentle with your mind. It's still learning to live without meds. Take it easy and you'll be fully free in around 2-3 more weeks. Mood changes all the time and sometimes you shouldn't wait until it's getting better. Just like healthy people, we sometimes need to feel sad or angry. Accept whatever comes and keep working on better tommorow, the rest your brain will do for you. You nail it, Kai!

[KaiLee]

19 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

One thing you may want to keep in mind is that your mood can change drastically within hours, let alone days.

 

Yes, I am very aware of that. 😮‍💨

 

21 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Even without symptoms, you are still quite vulnerable to many stressors for some period of time. Overthinking, analyzing - all this is very taxing. Don't expect all your good memories to come and stay forever. It will all sort itself out, but don't fixate on that cause otherwise it will be very confusing and feel like eternity. You're discovering yourself again, embrace it with patience. It won't run away from you, really!

 

That I have also felt. I could not tell whether I'm having a symptom or not. But now, I just consider all of it as my brain struggling to find the right way.

I wouldn't overthink or analyze if I could - which I did a lot before, but recently it was just completely impossible for me to get out of that state of rumination. I was completely locked in there. And I guess I was like that a lot of time before, too. What I regret are the times when I had a chance to change the course of my thinking and my action, but I did not. I wonder how different I might be now if I had followed the wiser voice in my head. But it was extremely difficult for me to do so, so I won't regret too much.

By the way, it only became clear for me that I don't have enough good memories to think about, so that won't be my problem... But it was real nice when I was able to remember some very old memories of mine, especially the happy ones. They suddenly appeared when I was in a better mood.

After all, all I've got is this very moment. Sometimes I become very aware of that, and that is when I am so sure about my ability to continue in this life, and live towards something that truly means a lot to me. You're right, I am rediscovering myself. This is a completely new life for me.

 

31 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Caffeine is generally not advised as it may be a relief short term, but shake and stimulate your nervous system later. If it works for you, that's good, just remember that in case. Best slowly approach introducing such things and see how you react, so you know what to do next.

 

Thank you for your advice. But I am aware of that, because I once went into a terrible wave after taking few supplements simultaneously at once in February - NAC, CoQ10, ashwaganda, and something else...

After taking them, felt like I was starting to have a black hole in my head. Everything in my head disappeared into it. And a strange vacuum like sensation in my head, great pressure, feeling of not existing.

Before then I was very reckless about taking supplements. I bought tons of supplements and just took a lot at once without knowing any side effects or consequences. I was just too desperate, because my symptom back then was not being able to feel or think anything... Basically being just a zombie. Quite literally. And that feeling, like the world is covered in... I don't know what to say. There was an extreme nothingness to everything. I can't go any further explaining this. But I have such a great urge in me that wants to do so.

Also my february symptoms, those were extremely bizarre to, but at least those were something of this world. Some symptoms just seems out of this world, if you know what I mean.

But anyway, I really know what you mean. I took caffeine while knowing such risks. I was too desperate not to try, and I was actually very glad when this idea came into my mind. That I have something I could try to get out of 'this'.

 

46 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

I also thank you a lot, Kai! Does that mean you feel like your recovery journey is really ending? That'd be lots of hope because I'm like 33 days behind you with my recovery and we had the same issue (immediate adverse reaction) with similair symptoms. You seem to try to work it out all at once and you rightfully see that you're still fragile. Be gentle with your mind. It's still learning to live without meds. Take it easy and you'll be fully free in around 2-3 more weeks. Mood changes all the time and sometimes you shouldn't wait until it's getting better. Just like healthy people, we sometimes need to feel sad or angry. Accept whatever comes and keep working on better tommorow, the rest your brain will do for you. You nail it, Kai!

 

Thank you. I am not sure at all if the end is near, but whether it is or not, it still wouldn't be an end for me since I have so much to work on regardless of these symptoms, as I understand. 

But I am very glad that hope is there and I can move on with my life for a better day. So whatever comes next, I'll just to my best to deal with it.

Thank you again. My tired and confused brain (it's 2:40 am here, and something about my language function just gets so terribly bad when I'm feeling bad. But now it's a lot better than it was before), with my already terrible English won't let me write anything that makes enough sense, but I really wanted to write you back soon I read your post (also I cannot sleep, even if I'm so tired).  

I hope your recovery goes well as much as mine, and perhaps you'll see a much brighter future soon enough.

Even if it doesn't go that way soon enough for us, I just hope we can take better care of ourselves especially when we're not feeling good enough. 

[KaiLee]

I still feel very confused, but I am suffering so much less now and I am also starting to remember about 'good feelings' that life offers to us.

It's truly amazing. 

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, KaiLee said:

it was just completely impossible for me to get out of that state of rumination. I was completely locked in there

This happens to me as well. I think it's still a symptom and it feels like brain wants to repair something with our external focus, so it forcefully moves us to our internal world to deal with it. I believe it's like when a left side of a road is under construction cars are forced to only use right side until the other one is done.

 

6 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

By the way, it only became clear for me that I don't have enough good memories to think about, so that won't be my problem...

Our CNS tries to recover into factory reset mode. If someone is for instance depressed or anxious, starts taking meds and gets immediate adverse reaction, recovery will lead him to a state of just being depressed/anxious without withdrawal symptoms. I believe you know this, it's just that we may lose perspective in the process. I'm sorry if you truly had few joyful moments in your past life. Recovery won't fix that, but you'll be more in power to create meaningful moments in the future. There are many ways to do this, people with awful childhood or teen years are often sensitive and if they're wise enough they can still be magnificent parents, dedicated workers or noble activists. You have the potential, Kai.

 

13 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

Some symptoms just seems out of this world, if you know what I mean.

Yes, last wave I felt I had massively altered thinking and thought I'm going insane when I followed some thoughts.

 

14 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I once went into a terrible wave after taking few supplements simultaneously at once

This also happened to me before immediate adverse reaction I'm dealing with now.

 

15 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I really wanted to write you back soon I read your post (also I cannot sleep, even if I'm so tired).  

I hope your recovery goes well as much as mine, and perhaps you'll see a much brighter future soon enough.

Even if it doesn't go that way soon enough for us, I just hope we can take better care of ourselves especially when we're not feeling good enough.

I appreciate that! Definitelly rest well, it does make a difference. So glad I came across your story.

[KaiLee]

I played tennis today, and surprisingly my skills and talent suddenly came back to me. I felt a lot of weakness, though. 

Before I did that I bought a burger (a relatively healthy one) and ate at a park, while sitting in a bench. While doing that I was able to feel that I am back to life again, although still not perfect. After being in a zombieland for such a long time...

 

Now as I am writing this, I also start to remember despite being mentally so ill, I still had an extraordinary talent in music the past and I was able to do some extraordinary things.. I could do things that nobody else could do.

I was truly special.

But now all that is probably lost. I just feel that those won't come back to me anymore. But it's alright for me now, because even if I have lost all that, I've learned and experienced so much about life and I found so much better things in myself during this period. Maybe not as a musician, but as a person. As a being.

 

Well, I guess it's too early to say these kind of things yet (which sounds too positive), but I am just so glad that I am on my way to healing. 

 

So what I really want to say is... there is hope to you all as well. Stay strong.

Edited April 3 by KaiLee
Terrible grammar

[KaiLee]

I try to rest, but I feel very difficult to rest. So I lay down, but instead of getting some relief, I get a pressure in my head. I put a migrane cap on my head for some relief, and it gives me some comfort.

After a while, strange images come across my mind as I am closing my eyes. They are so strange, but I know these come from unknown parts of my mind. So I let them pass by.

After a while, as the images stop appearing, I am able to feel some peace from my mind and body. 

 

Nothing's good enough for me now, but it's alright.

Here's where I am now... I don't know when I'm going to be able to sleep tonight, but at least I don't suffer too much anymore. And I feel that is enough.  

Edited April 3 by KaiLee
Horrible grammar

[KaiLee]

I fixed my sentences... 😆

But while doing that, I forgot about something I wanted to write about. 😅

What a shame. I really wanted to write about something. What was it?

Edited April 3 by KaiLee
What was it?

[Kaylaq]

So good to hear you are doing some good activities!! 👏🏻👏🏻🤩🤩 take it slow though, baby steps!!   🥰🥰👍🏼👍🏼😎😎 

[KaiLee]

You're right, baby steps... Thank you. 🥰

Actually, I really do feel like a baby now.  

But as I start to remember more, I remember that I really loved my life, even if I was always extremely fragile.

I was ill, but that never stopped me from loving my life. I never gave up. I could not give up. I knew life was something too good to give up. 

And pain was definitely not the only thing I felt!

I was a lost soul.

Now suddenly, I miss my talents so much... And also the look I have lost. The feelings I once felt...

I feel I have exchanged those with the wisdom I have now. Haha...

 

[KaiLee]

Trying to figure out who I am.

Waiting for better parts of me to come back, wanting to find some comfort while I am waiting.

Finding strength is still difficult.

[KaiLee]

I feel so naive, insecure, worthless, confused, etc.

 

About a month ago I was so content with myself.

Still waiting for that part of me to come back.

Also my talents and strength, my love and wisdom of the world...

[KaiLee]

Strange feeling.

Feeling like I've lost so many things that make me worth a person.

Feeling like such a tiny problem can destroy my whole life.

I know this feeling. I've suffered from this before. I didn't even know I was suffering. 
I've suffered from so many things for so long, and yet I never even realized that I was suffering. I just assumed this is what life is about.

I am returning to that naive and weak child again. What happened to the man inside me? The part that is grown up, strong and has a willingness to live on? I can't find him anywhere. 

[KaiLee]

I always feared that I will break down little by little and I will disappear.

That I, the lovable one, is slowly dying and I am not so lovable anymore. I feared I couldn't live if I am not loved anymore.

I really miss the feeling I had months ago - that strength, contentment, not being succumbed to my ego, will, wisdom...

Now I just feel sick. I feel so much like a sick person, even if I am less sick now. I feel so weak, and disgusted about myself. 

I keep trying to find myself outside from what I am. There is nothing inside me. I have no inner life.

And this was my worst fear, to become like this again. 

[KaiLee]

Obviously the good things didn't just come alone. Something hellish came with it.

I am suffering from that now.

This isn't horror. This isn't just a pain.

This is something else. 
This is life. This is my whole life sucked into the darkness.

It is obviously true that I suffered too much in my life.

It didn't even matter that something felt good once in a while. Pleasure was never enough, and happiness never found me.

I couldn't even find anything to be pleasing without feeling tremendous fear and guilt at the same time.

I wish I could explain about this better.

Such things doesn't just disappear on its own.

Everything I feared the worst is now coming back.

At this moment, I wish I wasn't born, just like I always thought before.

[KaiLee]

It's all because of my terrible upbringing. Terrible environment, being ignored and abused silently by my parents and every surrounding person, etc.

Today I was able to feel so much about how my upbringing has ruined me. I was able to feel all that horrible 'things' coming back to me as day passed by.

 

[KaiLee]

Had a strange pain, suffered a lot, eventually felt better after few hours. Today I've done few things to help me, and some worked. But still very depressed. My thoughts are all changed.

 

[BaccatePlayer]

I feel you Kai! I decided to postpone thinking about my identity and more existential topics for some time until there's more "processing capacity" from my side. Maybe in a month I'll try again, but currently I relate to these altered thoughts. Something is just off and doesn't allow for the full palette of emotions and thoughts. Mood is always changing, keep staying strong!

[KaiLee]

I 100% understand what you mean.

What I am afraid is that I might not get out of these thoughts.

It's getting so weird and even worse. I can't find anything that is truthful or meaningful. I don't even know what I'm saying now. What I feel or think is so bizarre, but it all comes from my past. 

I am also very afraid of being misunderstood by people whom I trust now. I've also lost every power to trust in myself. I have no strength left. I am exhausted.

Recently I reconnected an old friend of mine and all I could say is how much pain I am in and how confused I am. I don't even know what he thinks about me, as I have no ability to understand what others might think, at this moment. I've lost the person I was. My new life was just starting to begin. My life before the meds sucked, that's alright. But my new life, my new opportunity, my new vision and wisdom, thoughts and emotions, those were so good that I truly believed in life and myself, but now all that is lost. It is even an previledged moment I am having now that I can at least realize that. When I'm feeling worse, I'm just trapped in the worst thoughts and feelings that my brain forces me to stay in. That is worse than anything. It's like I once was a human, but now became a rat, and then now I can't even be a free rat. I am stuck in a cage, blinded, unfed, hurt, poisoned...

Oh, and every memory and feeling I get from my past as I remember more, is just too painful. All this, I've tried to ignore so much before the meds. I was so happier when I didn't remember any of these.

It's funny, as of this moment I'm writing this, I am obviously very sick, but this is when I'm feeling much better. I felt so, so much worse but now I am somehow healed. But it doesn't even feel like being healed anymore. It's like being destroyed or just slightly less destroyed.

Sorry for the messy writing. I am so hopeless. I don't know what to do.