KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

How is it possible that my life was so destroyed since I was just a child.

And it never changed. After being twenties, well, I was feeling less painful. So I searched for some sunlight, quite literally. I looked directly at the sun and tried to heal my mind by doing that. I walked to every park and small forests I met while walking through the city. I just rambled. That was me when I was feeling much better. At least I wasn't in a cage anymore. I got a freedom, but being so damaged already, all I could do was to walk and walk until I get tired. I did the same thing every night and day. I also watched tons of animations and some movies. I also listened to music all the time, because I couldn't stay sane if I didn't. I also drank tons of coffee to 'wake' me up. I could not stand so many things. Everything drove me crazy, so I desperately searched for hope and peace. Eventually I found some courage, and it made me go out a little more often. When I couldn't go out, I played games. It didn't even matter if it was fun or not. I just couldn't stand being left alone. I had to play games to be in touch with someone, or otherwise I will go crazy.

But I went crazy many times, I also became very creepy. I felt insane so many times, I felt like I was going to explode, or go crazy.

I don't know what I'm trying to write. I'm repeating words. Well, in fact I do know... I want to say that I have been through so much pain in my life. And I am reliving them all again. Quite literally. It's like being in a movie set, but without knowing it's a set. Not just the emotions and thoughts, all the mannerisms, habits, etc, all coming back. How wonderful our brain can do this.

My English is running out, but I feel better writing this.

I liked metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, as I felt like I was similar to the protagonist. The reality wasn't same, but what I felt was similar. My parents and I just needed better connection and understanding to each other.

But sometimes, being misunderstood and left alone while in pain can completely destroy someone, as it did me. I was left alone, and I was made to be crazy. My whole environment forced that on me. I feel so much anger now to write tis, but I know it's part of the healing process.

All I want is to live this very unique life to the full potential. That is my only wish.

[KaiLee]

@BaccatePlayer, I have just checked your profile and I have realized that we were born in a same year.
And we both suffer from an immediate adverse reaction, and both of us are on this site, sharing thoughts. What a coincidence! (Haha)

[KaiLee]

I'm trying to ease my frustration by buying shoes, clothes, stuffs, pajamas, blankets, etc.

But it takes too long for me to choose and item these days. I buy few things without hesitation (like projector screen, a doorknob or a portable fan), but buying shoes, pajamas or clothes take me few days to make a single decision. I think it is actually giving me more pain than the relief it gives me. But I am not buying anything I don't need.

 

[KaiLee]

But I can tell that the balance in me is completely broken now, and I can't make any good decisions.

I also can't love, feel good, have emotions, act naturally, think properly, have a wide vision about life, feel comfortable for a single moment, feel peace, feel safe, etc.

[KaiLee]

There is always so much more that I suffer from, but I cannot make them into words.

I also feel extremely weak when I'm in front of people, like I'm a hurt, weak, helpless animal. And there is just so more. I feel so many things and so many things go through me but there is only so much I can express out as words. Then who will understand what I'm suffering from?

I can't help myself anymore, and I need help. But how would I get help if I can't tell them about my pain?

[KaiLee]

Meanwhile, I am also becoming more sensitive about wearing a stylish and colorful outfit but at the same time, my 'inner beauty' is dying.

I can feel it. I can feel my heart screaming. But there is nothing I can do for it.

At least I got enough strength that I can focus and understand about what looks good.

 

What maddens me so much is that I cannot tell people how much I suffered and still suffers, and how absurd these 'symptoms' are. My whole being was cleaned up and now it's being rearranged. Who can understand this but the person who goes through him/herself? 

But most times I can't even remember what I've been through. And while writing this, all the 'data' in my head got blown up again. It's all gone, and I can't write anything no more.

I'm too sad, too much in agony, too depressed and too much in horror.

[KaiLee]

So you go through all kinds of pain and you may think it's over, take a little break and then try to plan for a bright future, but then you feel another thing coming up and then you think "Oh, this is never going to end. I'm doomed forever. I'll be eternally tortured. I'll never get out from this place. I am nobody".

I am very sorry for writing something so dark and depressed. But I really can't hold myself for now. I don't feel any hope. I can't control myself at all.

[KaiLee]

My looks are also getting better and people would occasionally look at me while I'm on the street. 
But for me, it only triggers my traumas and anxiety for worse and then I try to distance myself from every people as much as possible, which makes me look like a completely strange person. I also don't walk in pavements because I cannot be near people. I ride a bicycle dangerously in the road, often in the wrong direction, just to avoid people. I'm forgetting words again. 

[KaiLee]

I am very sorry. I know many people on this site won't feel good reading this kind of thing. I really understand, and I am truly sorry.

[KaiLee]

Reading such depressing stuff will only make someone feel so much worse, especially if what they need is a hope but not a painful story filled with anger, hopelessness and despair.

In fact, I know those things are the last thing we need. 

Somehow writing this, I also remember that I used to be destructive in a way.

[KaiLee]

But only the one who's been through pain understands others' pain.

I believe I could be good at that. And I also loved how wise I could be when I'm feeling more peace. I know how different a person I can be.

I must learn how to hold myself when I feel like I'm breaking down. If I can do that, I will be able to live such a nice and fullfilling life.

[KaiLee]

While thinking about the warm messages I've got on this site over time, I slowly started to remember about the good feelings I felt before, although not much.

These are so precious, more than anything at this moment.

Thank you.

I would like to hold tight onto these for now.

And perhaps there is hope for me, and for everyone.

[BaccatePlayer]

57 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

What I am afraid is that I might not get out of these thoughts.

This is exactly what I dread as well. Especially the moment when I can't be fluid with turning them off and switching focus to something else.

 

59 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I felt so, so much worse but now I am somehow healed. But it doesn't even feel like being healed anymore. It's like being destroyed or just slightly less destroyed.

This is very reletable too. Like being born again, confused. Then there's some fading, I zone out and wake up again as if someone different. The change is needed, but experiencing every second of it is just so estranging and frightening.

[KaiLee]

The worst part of my journey is remembering who I am.

But now I know it is something I cannot avoid. 

The more I try to avoid, more I will suffer. The less I do, then I will have a better chance to rebuild my life.

Well, it is worse than starting from zero. It's definitely from somehere down the minus. But so what? At least I can stop going down anymore if I choose not to reject these as a part of me anymore. I should accept them as a part of me, no matter how ugly they look. 

If it's inevitable, make it easier. I believe some wise person said that. I guess it is true. And it definitely will work for me. So I will follow that wisdom.

I was going to write about this in a completely different way, but well, I couldn't. I don't even know if I am using English well. But well, whatever.

I would like to let go of it for now.

 

[KaiLee]

18 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

This is very reletable too. Like being born again, confused. Then there's some fading, I zone out and wake up again as if someone different.

 

This part is too difficult to explain to someone else. There's also so many other problems that makes me difficult to explain how I feel and how I have been feeling, to somebody else. I can't remember what I've been through so many times, and even if I do sometimes, explaining about it is just too difficult.

But I must put them out in words, or I'll just completely lose myself. I won't be able to rescue myself from that chaotic moments anymore. At least that is what I fear.

So I need to try, no matter how hard it is.

 

Thank you for visiting my topic again today. 

[KaiLee]

Now I realize how impossible it was for me to get up and try go out or anything.

I shouldn't have forced myself. I should've rather let myself take more rest.

But I was also desperate in many ways. That made me feel I had no choice left.

Since last night, I am starting to feel some energy in my body. This morning I feel like I can go out if I want to. But my emotions are so hurt now, so I am rather staying in bed or a massage chair trying to ease my pain.

[KaiLee]

It's so painful that I cannot even speak about how I felt.

Being misunderstod hurts me so much.

Being left alone in the darkness does the same, too.

I was in a complete darkness for the past few weeks.

I saw some beautiful honesty and purity in me yesterday, but it could not survive the whole day.

I miss that part so much, and I am again afraid I've lost it forever.

All I can do now is to try to be kind to myself.

I should love myself more than ever. ❤️

[KaiLee]

I was in an extreme emotional pain lately, just until yesterday.

But all that time, I also felt like I was being blamed so much, especially when I was trying to write and post about how I felt.

I was so damaged and hurt that I almost felt like a completely different person.

I could not feel anything good, literally nothing.

But it is not same with what I have experienced months ago, being muted and dull in every way possible - well, at least this felt a bit more humane, but it also hurt more because of the same reason.

Say, if you are experiencing pain from a natural illness, you might try to endure it and even have a lot of courage to fight it. But if someone treats you wrong, it is something different; it just hurts a lot much more.

[KaiLee]

I loved whom I saw in me yesterday, will I see him again?

The lonely, shy, anxious, but an innocent and kind, generous childlike person in me. He had no prejudice towards any person and he respected everyone he saw.

He had to go through so much pain again yesterday. I feel so sorry for him, and I want him to feel better. I wish I could cry for him. I want to love him more.

I'm sending my kind hugs to him. I will make better place where he can stay next time he comes. He is always welcomed, and I will make sure he knows it. We will me much happier next time.

[Kaylaq]

Yes, the inner child needs more healing and love than the adult child! You are healing both! 
💕💕💕

[KaiLee]

Back to the tolerable waves again.

Could've lived different today, but unfortunately it didn't go well.

I chose to cling onto my painful emotions, instead of moving on using my power to live on.

 

But today is the day finally I can 'control' my feelings and thoughts again.

At least I had a chance to do so in the morning. I felt it. There were two ways, but I chose the wrong way.

For the last few weeks, this was just impossible. 

 

Difficult time, but now it is much tolerable.
 

[KaiLee]

And unlike other people, I feel tremendous amount of anger in me. What makes me different is that I know this is 'my' anger.

I've felt so angry before the meds, too.

I felt I was going crazy because I was too angry all the time.

All that being mistreated for most of my life, just since childhood, has made me into a kind of monster.

I had to endure so much. And people expected me to let to of my anger and despair. How irresponsible, insensible, unthoughtful?

Because I know it's all mine, which is not just anger, I have to approach it differently. I cannot go on and say 'I know this isn't me, I know you're better'. I know this is me, and I was never better. I was always sick, and I never had a chance to live a life.

But I had such a great willingness to live on. I wanted to live so bad, and I wanted to be great. I wanted a beautiful life. I was desperate for love. I wanted to be the best I could be.

[KaiLee]

If anyone suffers from similar symptoms as mine, I strongly recommend using a migrane cap.

You can easily buy one from Amazon.

I use TheralICE product, and it definitely helps a lot. Without it, I wouldn't be writing anything right now. 
 

[KaiLee]

Oh, no.

What I did wrong yesterday is clearly affecting my condition in a bad way.

I should've get up and worked on things I could do yesterday morning, instead of ruminating on the pain that I was feeling.

Because yesterday was the first day when I really felt I 'could' go out and move, despite having crazy anxiety.

I had a chance, and I blew it away.

I wasted my day, and it came back in a way that made things much worse.

This morning I don't have the same energy I had yesterday.

Also I woke up much more unpleasantly.

I felt how different my condition changes when I focused on my bad emotions instead of moving on with the strength I was able to feel.

Yesterday I finally had the choice, and I must have made a completely wrong one.

I feel so bad about it. 

I wish I can have same amount of energy again (it wasn't great, but it was enough to battle with this anxiety. I was never able to battle with the anxiety before. It was always 100% loss, during this long and enduring wave).

[KaiLee]

Feeling so much like my past self.

Always wandering at night, have no place to go or to rest.

I used to sleep in motel a lot. Or a hotel, if I was feeling a little better. 

But I always felt bad. There was never a day I felt good or safe.
I always had to walk through the night to ease my pain, and to run away from life and the people.

I never existed in this world, I was a lonely ghost instead.

Now I have come back to that of me.

It's so sad to feel this way again.

Night was my only friend.

[KaiLee]

I cried for moon, and listended to Pink Floyd music.

I listened to Nocturne. Then fleetwood mac, Indian music, Ave Maria, Robert Johnson, anything that will ease my pain a little.

Art, was the other thing that I was able to relate myself to.

I remember I always liked surrealism, or impressionism.

I never knew why.

I was dragged into things I never liked.

I was in a constant fear and horror.

Sarcasm, I loved.

Redemption is what I wished the most.

I felt I was dirty.

Today I feel the same.

[KaiLee]

I wish I never remembered any of this again.

But now I know that's not how It can be.

I need to accept this as my past, and live on.

Become stronger than I ever was...

[Kaylaq]

Yes, time to let the past go, time to create new ideas, …think about what you want to do now with your life?  One step forward, …. Put your energy into what you want to create now for yourself!  It’s your life moving forward!! 💪💪👍🏼😊

[BaccatePlayer]

Yes, that's some great encouragement from @Kaylaq you got here! Have you checked this topic yet?

We're facing severe struggles during recovery. Months or years is enough for an athlete to make or break his career, it's enough for a single girl to get married and give birth, it's enough to lose a house and parents in a fire and rebuilt a house with some work on trauma. Basically, the life is happening and we need to do what we can not to waste it more than we need to. You've been very brave, we've all been. Wish you peace of mind and motivation, there's a new, happy Kai waiting to be released!

 

[KaiLee]

This is happy Kai smiling from the future. 

@Kaylaq and @BaccatePlayer, thank you.  

[Kaylaq]

😄😄👍🏼👍🏼

[KaiLee]

Very tough day.

More and more traumas coming back alive to me.

I can't believe how many traumas I have. The list is endless.

But there must be an end somewhere, and I feel I'm getting closer to it.

I have people who I can trust now. So I won't fall back to same pattern anymore. 

Finally I got a chance to heal myself. 
Everything's gonna be alright.

Also my withdrawal symptoms, I believe they are coming to end as well.

Now it's just about my heart.

 

I always just wanted to be kind to everyone, and feel kindness from everyone.

All I ever wanted was love.

 

I pushed myself too hard today.

But I'm trying not to regret.

 

 

[Kaylaq]

👍🏼 so glad you are experiencing a few better days!! Baby steps!  A big part of your journey is giving yourself first all the love, kindness, forgiveness you need! It all has to come from you to you first!!  The biggest part of healing is within ourselves, with lots of patience and compassion!  
 

don’t overdo yourself! Slow and steady!!  👍🏼👍🏼😊😊😎😎

[KaiLee]

Thank you, @Kaylaq... I wouldn't call these as better days... But I'm not losing hope.

Thank you again 🥰 😉

[KaiLee]

Feeling tired and hurt.

🥲

[Kaylaq]

💪💪💪🥰🥰