KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

Speechless... In too much pain. 🥲

[KaiLee]

Darkest days.

There are so many things I have to face.

My life was indeed, absolutely terrible.

But I am not going to live like that anymore.

[Borealice]

8 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Darkest days.

There are so many things I have to face.

My life was indeed, absolutely terrible.

But I am not going to live like that anymore.

Keep fighting 💪

[Kaylaq]

As hard as it seems, we have to stand up again!! We have to create a new life for ourselves!   What do you want to create! I’m not saying this is easy, I’m struggling with this, I’m frozen in place, also! 
 

💪💪🥰

[KaiLee]

Thank you for the lovely words... @Kaylaq, @Borealice.

I want to create a life where I no longer get defeated by the demons, I want to live a life as a strong individual.

[Borealice]

2 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Thank you for the lovely words... @Kaylaq, @Borealice.

I want to create a life where I no longer get defeated by the demons, I want to live a life as a strong individual.

I agree with you, I hope this experience can make us stronger 

[KaiLee]

Thank you.

I hope so, too. ☺️

[KaiLee]

I remember when the meds took everything valuable I had. I thought, 'Well, I'm empty now, and whatever waits me until death shall not be pleasing'. But at the same time, I just wished I could strive to achieve the best potential within me, so I wouldn't have to mourne so much about what I've already lost.

There was a great deal of talent in me before I took those meds. I need to make something better out of the life I have now.

Please, my dear mind, beat the ugly demons, or we shall perish!

[BaccatePlayer]

Your mind will adjust to your new reality. Just give it some time. You're climbing higher and higher, Kai.

[KaiLee]

Thank you as always. ☺️

[KaiLee]

Feel like being tortured.

I've been mentally tortured since I was about 14.

[BaccatePlayer]

Joining you in pain. Things can go drastically different within hours, days or maybe weeks, but we'll get there scot-free. It's just a matter how much we're gonna suffer in the meantime. Little steps and not much will be left.

[KaiLee]

Thank you.

But I worry, as you said we will go back to the 'factory reset'.

My 'factory reset' is much too terrible. As I am recovering from the meds, I am only starting to discover more and more about how painful and miserable my life was.
I constantly lived in an unberable pain. I have lived the most pathetic life, and I am starting to feel it and live in the same feeling again.
And this is what I feared the most.

All the past returning to me again. Even though I didn't have memories, I unconsciously feared this the most. I wished not to remember any of the bad memories.

But there's one very lucky thing, that I've felt very different, lots of positive feelings and love while I was recovering from the damage of the medicine. Perhaps not having any memories helped. This was something I wasn't able to feel before.

Also, I've now met people who are truly willing to and also capable of helping me. This is something I could never dream of before.

So I believe I do have a hope this time. Just to imagine, if I had to live the same way I lived before the medicine, I probably might not have lived much more enough. I was constantly on the verge of ending my life. I couldn't endure the pain anymore.

So withdrawal, in fact, has saved my life.

[BaccatePlayer]

Remember that the factory reset is still a better place to be than all the burden from meds. You'll at least be more capable of handling everything. How much recovered do you feel right now? Are the symptoms or waves still persisting?

[KaiLee]

No... I can tell you now, it won't be better. It aleady isn't better. At least for me it isn't.

I would choose to have the burden of the meds 10 out of 10 times, but of course I know and knew that wasn't possible. Someday the effect must go away and I had to face my original problems. I somehow knew, or at least feared it would happen. But oh god, I couldn't imagine so much pain when I was finally away from it for a while... The pain from the withdrawal seemed even more pure. Terrible as it may be, at least it wasn't so twisted and ugly, just following you everywhere, never letting you go. I can't explain it enough. There's difference in your body aching and your soul aching. I won't say one is worse than other, but I am feeling absolutely terrible now, and it is much unpleasant than the withdrawal pains.

I wasn't capable of anything. All I could do was suffer. The more I tried, more I suffered. Even death seemed sweet to me.

By the way, symptoms-wise, I believe I am truly a lot recovered from the cognitive decline and such problems. I am more like a 'normal' human being in a way, but emotionally, I am much less than a human being.

I don't think I'm in the 'windows and waves' pattern anymore. In fact, now I'm even confused if there was one... Perhaps all this happened due to the shock we experience. But I don't know. At least all that I can say is, I know the pain I'm feeling so well and this all comes from my past experiences and memories, of nearly being tortured by every life event that happened to me since teenage days.

If I were a 'normal' person with a 'normal' background and history, I would be healed by now and perhaps living a normal life. Or at least very close. I no longer struggle to get an answer for 1+1, but I do forget things a lot. I can't remember what I was thinking a moment ago. In fact, I still do have myriads of problems... But the pain is just too much. I'm getting confused again...

Anyway, stay well. I wish your recovery very much. Perhaps yours will be much pleasing than mine. I've just had too much traumas in my life and for the first time I am facing them. This must be the right price to pay. So I am gonna stand still and strong against whatever that comes next as much as I can. Even if I fall back, I will always get back up. I will see the best of myself, and I will cure myself. I won't run away from my problems anymore.

 

[KaiLee]

Sorry for the laguage, but I guess the easy way to say is I was dumber but much more happer.

I wished it stayed that way.

[KaiLee]

By the way, how are your symptoms? 

[KaiLee]

But as always, I am just too much confused...

I long for the day when I can look back at what I've been through with a clear mind, and write about it as much as I can, for myself and the others who might benefit from it.

[KaiLee]

After writing these, I am feeling slightly better.

Thank you...  

[KaiLee]

Fixed few sentences overall. My language skill is definitely improving, though.

 

[KaiLee]

But I guess you're right. At least now, or when I am finallyhealed from the meds, there's something I can do about myself, even if I don't feel so much that way at the moment.

Perhaps I still have long way to go for a full recovery from the withdrawal symptoms. I don't know, but at least I know the pain I'm going through right now so well, and the pain from it is distorting everything I feel and think. It feels like an eternal torture. The withdrawal pain felt horrible too, but at least it went away within time and eventually changed into something else.  But this doesn't. And it feels a lot 'dirtier'. As I've already said, I believe this is something my soul suffers from...

I guess I just have a very long way to go.
But how lucky am I, at least I have a way to go, and I now have few people who helps me. No more toxic people in my life, and I grew up so much during this time. I now have a supportive family. I have nothing to lose.

This might just be the best what I can possibly have. Only moving forward from now on.

[KaiLee]

And I have indeed become so, so much wiser and better. Even the moment's pain and fear can take them away, I know those won't disappear. So I am grateful.

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

By the way, symptoms-wise, I believe I am truly a lot recovered from the cognitive decline and such problems.

This sounds very promising. I'm actually on the opposite side: emotionally I got over all of my struggles, but the symptoms are persisting and that's precisely my issue. If you don't experience windows and waves, you may be very well recovered. Processing emotions is challenging, stressful and takes a lot of time. Your mind is learning to live again. You'll get through all of your experiences, just remember you may still be a bit fragile and your processing may be a little biased because under bigger stress, we interpret everything as worse.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

Anyway, stay well. I wish your recovery very much. Perhaps yours will be much pleasing than mine.

Thank you! It's very motivating since our situation is quite similair and I'm just 33 days behind you. I wasn't very unhappy before drugs, so maybe in 2-4 weeks I will be free.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

By the way, how are your symptoms? 

Mostly some very bizzare, wierd mood discharges, depersonalization, cognitive slowdown, tensed body, the worst is when I'm having panic attack or such a strong depersonalized mood that I can only trust that it will pass cause otherwise I wouldn't be able to bear it. Ocassionally nausea, headaches and balance issues pop out, but it's mostly about waves and altered moods. I don't feel myself yet and panic increases each time I'm completely losing control under heaviness and wierdness of symptoms.

 

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

Only forward from now on.

Yes, you can still do a lot. Don't ever believe that nothing better will come. You meet new people, learn more and there's always a value in it. Your english is fine for me though it's a second language for me. There's a lot you already did right.

[Tweed9674]

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

This must be the right price to pay. So I am gonna stand still and strong against whatever that comes next as much as I can. Even if I fall back, I will always get back up. I will see the best of myself, and I will cure myself. I won't run away from my problems anymore.

❤️❤️❤️

 

What a beautiful way to put this

[Kaylaq]

@KaiLee way to go, being more forward looking! 👍🏼😊

[KaiLee]

Too much pain.

Everything seems unreal.

I don't exist in this world.

Wonder when this is going to end.

[BaccatePlayer]

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

Too much pain.

Everything seems unreal.

I don't exist in this world.

Wonder when this is going to end.

Derealization maybe? Don't worry, it will end. Just don't overdo existential thinking, because that's often alienating and you may validate your sense of estrangement too much. You're good, normal and there's hope for you.

[KaiLee]

Thank you.

I believe I rather became derealized because the pain I was suffering was too much.

I had to run away from it because it was too unbearable.

My thoughts were worse than those existential thoughts, although I have many experience with that. My life was unbearable from a very early age, so apparently I had to figure why such things would happen to me, which now I can say was led to crazy conclusions that didn't help me at all.

My whole being feels totally worthless and I am just full of humiliation. 
Everything gives me a tremendous amount of anger. And when I go outside being like this, it gets much worse. But I can't stay home, either.

I have a perfect history for this. In fact, I felt the same way before the meds as well. I've been like this for very long time... I was, indeed, extremely sick.
Now I guess this is the "factory reset" of mine, so...

But asides from that, I now have a much healthier part of personality in me that I never had before.

Such good thing was able to grow up during the withdrawal period, when I had no memory of my past.

Life seemed so pure that way.

Once this 'wave' is over, I suppose I will feel better...

 

[KaiLee]

I am feeling slightly better after drinking a cup of cappuccino with added espresso shot at 9pm.

In fact, a lot better compared to where I was just an hour ago. Huge difference.

I guess I still have that motivation problem. Perhaps caffeine can fix that sometimes. Most of time it doesn't, sometimes it just make me feel absolutely worse.

But I can't really tell how these things

actually happen to me, as I was already extremely sick before taking the medicine.

I became much healthier after suffering from the withdrawal. It was like a miracle for me, in a way.

 

I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

I wasn't sleeping at all these days, anyway.  

 

I feel my language skills has become worse again, but still much better than before.

 

Today my symptoms were awful. Really, I was stuck in this disgusting world all alone. But even I didn't exist. It was just a combination of pain, anger and humiliation. My words cannot explain it very well. 

 

I constantly want to buy more things to make me feel better. A bass guitar, a curtain with british flag on it, a rollerskate, yellow shoes, some clothes, so on.

 

Trying to do more excersise. I think I am overdoing it, but I have no control over myself. I was never able to control myself before the medicine. I tried so hard, but I couldn't. Everything was too painful and confusing.

[BaccatePlayer]

24 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I believe I rather became derealized because the pain I was suffering was too much.

I had to run away from it because it was too unbearable.

You know, this is actually the point of DP/DR symptoms. Your mind tries to protect you from too much stress and suffering.

 

Step by step, Kai. I know it's tempting to check thyself all the time, but it takes time for every moment to be good enough. Relax yourself, your mind may have easier time looking at things in negative way, but it's not always fully true. Identifying with our thoughts can lead to loss of perspective. The big picture says you're heading better days.

[KaiLee]

Thank you for your insight. ☺️

[KaiLee]

Indeed I did forget how horrible things were few month ago.

 

Extreme horror, pain, anxiety, amotivation, no cognitive ability, no thoughts, no memories or emotions, incapable of physical activities, could not rest, I believe there was a lot more.

 

[KaiLee]

Such a broad spectrum of painful and horrifying symptoms over such a short period of time. It felt like a lifetime and it still does.

When I am in pain now, I can't understand how I continue to exist in life. It feels like nothing exists in this world except for the horror and pain. There's only a disastrous feeling left in my entire body and soul.

So much pain.

But it still is more bearable than it was  before, I guess.

The pain I've been through was truly inhumane.

But I wouldn't say now that it hurts less; I just can't, given the level of the level of pain I still endure.

[KaiLee]

And my life was absolutely terrible. It was ruined before it even began. Remembering that in a most horrible way doesn't help me feel any better. I feel so defeated. 

But the good thing is that now I know and understand that my life was totally horrible. This is a good change to me, because now I can accept me for who I am, and that's the only way any change can happen.

But today, this extreme fear and frustraion I have over every tiny issue in this world... This is too familiar. I was like this all the time. I cannot bear any subject that I do not feel familiar with, which mostly was everything except playing online games. I never lived a normal life or had a normal relationship. Everything felt sick to me, and I was extremely sick but I was neglected by everyone. I had so much anger in me and I can feel it again. There are also so many other problems that I still feel too difficult to talk about.

I had to try extremely hard to grow up in the past few years, but it was like building a castle out of sand. Nothing could be built on that fragile ground. No structure could be built. Nothing made any sense to me. I had to become crazy because unless, there was just too much pain I had to endure. Letting go of my sane and wise voice was the only way to deal with it. I had to sell my soul to the devil. I thought I was done, and only an eternal damnnation was waiting me. I prayed to god, so many times, not only to save my life, but for my family, because I feared so much all the time that my entire family's life was at stake because of the sins I made. When COVID happened, I couldn't go out of my room because I was afriad I might get the disease and infect my family, and it would cause them to die. I couldn't hope for anything. I had extreme pain in my tooth those days, but I just ignored and endured the pain for months. I had to remove the teeth because of how rotten the nerves were underneath the teeth. There's so mucu to my story, the history of the illness, with no cure but only a worsening symptoms.

 

Cannot sleep at all.

I am in too much horror of everything, including sleeping.

I've been this way almost my whole life.

At least half of my life, but it feels like it's been forever.

And I was already sick when I was about 8.

I felt the world was falling apart and I couldn't understand why.

I felt nobody could protect me, forever.

I felt I was descending into hell, and I would never come back to the lovely earth I once belonged.

 

[KaiLee]

Cannot sleep at all... I lost my chance to sleep, again, and everything is just too horrible. It's 6am and I am widely awake, feeling completely horrorible.

 

But I shouldn't have said that my past symptoms weren't much horrible compared to now or something, that's not true.

I just couldn't remember anything, and the pain I was feeling at the moment was extremely tense.

 

It feels so important to me that I make these things clear. It's silly, something makes me believe so.

 

I can't find ease in anything at all.

 

But now I am getting down to the core. If I don't deal with the real reason for my suffering, nothing would ever change.

[KaiLee]

Somehow changing my profile picture to this has made me feel a little better.