KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

After writing this, my mom came inside my room and comforted me. My heart feels warm now...

 

[KaiLee]

I'm terribly confused.

My symptoms always include a terrible confusion.

When wave happens, my perception and thoughts are affected so greatly.

But again, I've felt terribly confused all my life.

I lived in misery for so long, being ill, sad and terrified.

I can't go on enough to explain how miserable my life was. And this is not the wave speaking.

I guess this is what makes it so hard for me. I was never able to live a normal, functioning life. I never had a chance to grow up that way.

But I know I am not the only one. Still, I am tired of thinking I must endure because I am not the only one.

When I'm in bad waves, I just feel so stuck in misery.

When I'm seeing windows, I either completely forget my past or I become peaceful enough to hold my misery.

That was such a good feeling. I was able to make peace with myself. Such a lovely time.

Either way, it was a true bliss for me. Such times gave me a completely different visions about myself.

I felt healthier and stronger than before, although only a part or me was functioning well.

I also realized all my talents and abilities have been gone for such a long time, but I wasn't even thinking about it.

I might just have a long way left to go, or hopefully, not as long as I think.

I wish I knew better techniques to control and understand my thoughts and emotions.

I guess the key must be in the ability to accept.

I feel like I'm always searching for my own missing parts.

One thing is for sure. When this is all over, I will be much better.

It does kill me when I start to think it won't go that way.

But I will have to try my best.

I might have lived a bad life in the past, but that part is all over.

My symptoms, terrible as these may be, has also become the greatest hope I ever had.

And thanks to everyone who gave me such kind and lovely words.

Edited March 3 by KaiLee

[KaiLee]

Sorry for my past posts.

Describing someone in such manner is never a type of thing I would want to do... It's always terribly unwise.

But at the same time, I was so stuck in such emotion that I was desperate to express it, put it out of my mind.

Did it help? Well, it did, I guess. At least I wasn't thinking about him anymore. Bless his life. After all, I don't know him well. Whatever I felt bad towards is one another thing I have to understand about. The answer is always all inside myself.

 

Yesterday I was lying in bed, and was feeling some unusual comfort after taking some sleeping supplements. I took melatonin 10mg.

But as usual, the anxious thoughts kicked in and I had two choices - to let it be and stay still in bed, or to keep my mind distracted from it by touching phone again. I did the second. And here I am, who had to stay awake until 7am in great panic, didn't get a decent sleep at all, having a terrible day...

So many bad choices I make. I want to cry.

[KaiLee]

Sorry for changing stories every time, but I was still a very good guitar player, despite all the difficulties I had.

I realize I haven't been able to play guitar for a very long time, last time I felt my talent was two months ago.

I am afraid my talent will never come back to me.
Gosh, I was great when I played last time.

And I felt such great promise in my talent. I had so many things to learn. 

So many people lose so many things on this site.

How will I end? 

 

 

 

Sending love and may hope be in everyone's heart.

[KaiLee]

I don't know what I'm being alive for.

Not only the horrible symptoms, but also my terrbie past is coming back so alive and torturing me again... 

I'm afraid when I write something like this on here, someone could read it and start feeling so awful.

Or maybe this is just another one of my exaggerated thoughts...

My thoughts are so stupid and immature.

I feel so irritated. I am hurt and damaged.

I don't know what to do.

All the lights are gone.

I'm again left alone in the darkness, just like I have always been.

I want to share hope, but I have got none for myself.

[KaiLee]

When nothing seemed to help me, using an oil diffuser with the 'sleep' aroma oil from a certain brand I bought from Amazon and a multivitamin, which I'm not sure whether it helped a lot, and a magnesium spray gave me a quite nice comfort and I am feeling much better now.

And here's the tip. When you are using a magnesium spray and if it doesn't seem to help, try using it while taking the shower. Spray it all over your body, then rinse yourself with a warm water. Using it this way, it really made me feel better.

 

[Kaylaq]

👍🏻 so happy to hear that, Hang on to your window of feeling a bit better for awhile!  

Something I wanted to share as I have read your posting, there is no going back to who we were, there is only rebuilding, ….. you have to rebuild your brain, … so think of what you want your brain to see, hear, and know from you from now on.  I’m being very careful of what I focus on each moment, filling my time with good images, as this is what the brain records!   I watch a lot of nature videos and look at images of beautiful art, practice giving thanks for everything little thing that crosses my path… 

 

anyways, just wanted to share my thoughts of what I do when I have a few hours of being in a window! 
 

sending you strength and courage to live another day! 🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊
 

 

[KaiLee]

What I said about magnesium oil spray, I might have been in just that condition when it was working well on me.
Nevertheless, I think it is still worth trying to use it that way. 

I really love what you said. Thank you so much, @Kaylaq.

And I totally agree.

To love and to be with something I can love, to give myself every moment to love.

But I also think the brain can recover from any mistakes, and our mind can truly forgive our sins.

I must appreciate every moment I have as much as I can.

I must 'be' in the moment. I've learned that's when the true appreciation begins.

I am missing a lot of moments, but I must try.

Thank you so much, again.

 

[KaiLee]

Feeling so bad again.

In fact, the good feeling was already gone after trying to use the weighted blanket last night. It immediately made me uncomfortable and I felt pressure in both my mind and body.

I have crazy voice inside my head.

It starts with "I want to..." and say some horrendous things.

I've been having it occasionally for a while, but today it's a lot worse.

In fact, I had this before the meds.

It was one of the reasons why decided to take the meds.

This feels so terrible. It makes me question about my sanity.

I remember my past more clearly now, and I remember how terrible my mental symptoms were before taking the meds. Last year was something I couldn't endure. And the way it ended... I was almost failing as a human being. I was really crazy.

 

The days of windows I've been having these days, those days were much better than any days I had in the past. Maybe If I could go back more than ten years, I could find some better days. But then, I don't remember those days. I just have an impression that my life was a constant downfall, so I assume my early childhood life might have been better.

 

It's horrible how I remember how sick I have been, how I'm living with the same symptoms, and the good thing is now I know that I was sick.

But the bad thing is that I have no power at the moment to take care of myself, my thoughts, and my feelings.

It's so tough. I'm feeling less pain, devastation, and fear, but every day is always the worst day.

 

[Catina7]

I just wanted to stop and say hello @KaiLee.  I'm sorry to hear you're still having such a hard time.  I'm so proud of you for hanging in there as best as you can despite all your horrible symptoms.  You're stronger than you realize.  Sending you much strength and healing thoughts.  ❤️

[KaiLee]

Thank you so much, @Catina7...

[Kaylaq]

@KaiLee checking in on you…how are you? 

[KaiLee]

Thanks, @Kaylaq.

I guess I can't really tell how I am now.

But your concern has really made me feel better, and that's for sure!

Thank you, and congratulations again on your first window!  

[Kaylaq]

You’re welcome, good to see your hanging in there, …👍🏼🙏😊💕

[KaiLee]

Can't stand the emotional pain anymore.

As my memories become more clear, as I start to remember more about my past life before taking medicine...

Everything is killing me. 

[KaiLee]

ChatGPT wrote this instead of me.

 

I have often found myself wandering aimlessly, feeling like a ghost, as if trying to temporarily alleviate my emotional pain. I ended up in places I never really enjoyed, unable to connect with people or form lasting relationships. Over time, those who once knew me drifted away.

In my early twenties, I already felt as though my life was over, yearning for hope in the afterlife, longing to be saved from the anguish. However, I now realize an important psychological aspect of mine: I didn't want life to simply end; I desired something more. Perhaps deep down, I still held onto a love for life, and that may be the only reason I am still here today.

As I write this, I am reminded of how I felt during those times. It was as if I was on an endless journey, seeking redemption, traversing misty islands and deep seas. Do you understand what I mean?

It must be true that I was once happy as a child, and although I can't recall specific memories, those days continue to propel me forward—even if it's not toward my current life.

 

Much love, 

Kai

 

[ThatOneGirlStitch]

1 hour ago, KaiLee said:

Can't stand the emotional pain anymore.

As my memories become more clear, as I start to remember more about my past life before taking medicine...

Everything is killing me. 

I know this pain. My coping mechanism was "Don't think. Don't think. Don't think." I hope you find one that works for you.

[KaiLee]

Feeling so awful.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I should try some new supplements, something for anxiety, perhaps...

Don't even have the strength to write here anymore...

 

[KaiLee]

@ThatOneGirlStitch, I am struggling to find out what works for me...

[KaiLee]

I feel as if I'm going to die soon.

Sleep is getting worse. I feel like my life is going to disappear soon.

But I know this feeling so well. Yes, so well. Now it hurts so much to remember what I've been through.

I never slept well since I was about 10 years old. Maybe even younger.

My mother was and still is that typical type of woman who projects her every shadow onto her first child, the only son in the family. Me.

I was a beloved son before 8, but I can't remember any of those days. Ever since my twin sisters were born, nobody cared about me anymore. Perhaps they were so busy. I was always emotionally left alone, but my body was never able to be free or have a rest. I had to do everything my mom tells me to do, but I was never became good at almost anything. I hated almost everything I had to do.
I was already exhausted about life before I was 12. Maybe even younger. I lived that way since then.

In highschool, I was almost had zero 'proper' sleep for at least two years. That's when I had this feeling or fear that I'm about to die soon. I somehow survived last time... But I am afraid what might happen this time.

I'm terribly scared, mad, damaged, and there's just so much pain in everything I feel, my body and soul.

My whole existence is filled with pain. Pain is all that I feel. There is nothing else but pain in me.

I feel so disconnected from everything except for the pain I feel. And I also have these very strange symptomsx but I cannot explain.

My brain constantly thinks of an image of a girl crying in great pain. I was able to learn this is about my anima, my inner feminine side. She is crying, and perhaps have always been  before I noticed.

I have lived such a painful life, and now I am remembering too much.

I wish I didn't remember. I was so happier in that way.

I am getting very unhealthy too, but I still cannot excersise or easily go out.

I'm sorry for writing such a gloomy thing. I am really sorry everyone. There must be so many people who feel much more awful than me, for much longer period than I did...

But I am just in so, so much emotional pain right now. My life, I wish I hadn't had my life. I wish I can erase it all off if I could. How can I handle this? When will I ever get to feel better...? I am also so cognitively damaged again and terribly confused.

But I was like this before. I was a terribly damaged person. My whole life was a waste. Totally meaningless, painful, worthless life. I lived because I was afraid to die.

 

[KaiLee]

But I've been through all those terrible waves, so I will go through this one, too.

Why should I be afraid? What should I be afraid of? I shouldn't be. I've been through hell. This is nothing.

I'm a lot stronger now; such stupid thing as the past shouldn't be bothering me anymore. Nonsense.

 

 

But as I remeber even more, I can't help but to think that even the hell of withdrawal was much better thing than the life I had. It's terribly sad. I feel so stuck.

[KaiLee]

I suffered so much in my life, but I had to keep it all inside myself.

I was going really crazy from a very young age. I could not stand life if I don't feel mad. Ah... I can't say anymore, whenever I try to say something like this, my brain just shuts it down.

I think part of the reason I suffer so much is because I am getting all the painful emotions and memories back again. And it's not that I'm only having bad memories and emotions because I'm in a wave, but it's because I had no good memory at all for such a long time.

I am starting to remember too much about my past. After being 20, I was finally freed from all those crazy pressure my mother was putting on me, but I was already too damaged to recover easily. I tried hard, really hard to rescue myself, but all I could do was to move as much as I can so I don't remember about my past anymore. I literally walked all the time. Places I don't know. Places I don't like. I didn't know what I liked.

But instead of being free from it, it rather turned into a big chaos that remains in the center of my heart.

I feel so sorry for my self that my English is so terrible. I cannot tell about this in English.

But I don't know if I can tell it well in any language.

[Catina7]

You have indeed been through a lot in your life @KaiLee, and I'm so sorry.  I know you can find the strength to get through this terrible time in your life.  You've already endured so much for such a long time, but I know things will get better for you as time goes on.  

 

If I could suggest to you to write down everything you're grateful for, no matter how small.  Do this every day if you need to.  And write out some positive affirmations for yourself.  It's been scientifically proven that we can create new pathways in our brains by changing how we think.  We can sort of "re-train" our brains, and that thought should give all of us hope.  Also, when you have a negative thought or memory that appears, write down a positive thought to counteract it.  You might be surprised how much better you'll feel.

 

You also said you want to try a supplement or something for the anxiety, but actually doing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as mentioned above might be all you need to feel better.  I'm not saying it will cure everything, but it definitely will help.

 

We hope you continue to keep writing and expressing yourself here because your contribution is valued and appreciated.  ❤️

[KaiLee]

Thank you so much @Catina7. Reading your words made me feel so much better. Thank you for the advice. 

[Kaylaq]

 

If you can find these persons last post there @BaccatePlayer is this awesome guide/tools that I have been studying and reading every day to memorize! Keep coming back to the tools to get ahead!!! 
 When you have a good moment it’s an opportunity to rebuild your brain and recreate a new life for yourself. 
 

Be strong, 💪😊

P.S. your English is excellent 👍🏼 

[Kaylaq]

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/30565-baccateplayer-immediate-adverse-reaction-to-sertraline/?do=findComment&comment=680279

 

hoping link works 👍🏼

[KaiLee]

Thanks, @Kaylaq. As always. I am slowly getting better. And I'm truly glad that you're having windows.  

[KaiLee]

I'm afraid I'm turning into someone I don't want to be, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Everyday is a terrible day.

What can I do? Nothing helps me anymore...

[KaiLee]

It feels like I don't exist in this world when I'm asleep. Getting to sleep is horrible, waking up in the middle, getting back to sleep, finally waking up, all horrible.
Today I felt so much like my old self. Feeling insecure, irritated, unsympathetic, unmotivated, I can go on. I hate so much that I'll be living in this condition again, but I don't even have any emotional power to be afraid, if this makes sense. I don't feel emotion, but this is usual, so...

Somehow that existential fear is now mostly gone, but I don't think that makes anything better. In fact I do believe I felt better before. It's as if things get worse as I heal. Maybe this is just personal. Then I must heal from my whole problem, not just the symptoms. Then I am already working on that, so...
I don't feel any future. Only the past and the horror of the present moment.
But I can tell all this is still my brain trying to heal. Be patient, and it will be over. None of these symptoms ever made sense. Maybe I'll be completely different again, but in a good way.

[KaiLee]

But anyway, whoever gets to read this in the future by any coincidence, if you're in the worst situation and want to give up, please believe that the healing happens. It sucks, but it does happen. So there's that...

[KaiLee]

Today I couldn't rest, couldn't do anything, feel or think anything. I felt as if all the good parts of my personality had been wiped off, which is one of the things I fear the most. Going back to that weak, insecure, terrified child I once was. And I've been living as that child for way too long. These symptoms have even shown me a side of myself that I was never aware of. I don't know how and from where those appeared, but I truly wish they will appear to me again when I am more healed. The only thing I wish is growth. I want to completely get over my old self. These symptoms have actually become the best chance I had in my life. Now it's up to me. First thing always, understand what you're going through at that very moment, try your best to take a step back, and do anything that can remind you of what you've been through. Do everything to ease your body, as that's where your mind lives. I must keep these thoughts to myself, all the time. Whenever I am down and low, I will come back to this and remind myself of this.

[Kaylaq]

Lots of self love and self compassion for the hurt inner child, and now the hurt adult too!  🙏🏻🙏🏻🥰🥰

[KaiLee]

...Which is now! 
Just to remind myself again, just until a while ago, I was so much a better person, almost incomparable. Remember that! That part exists in you. Now it's your job to get that back.

[KaiLee]

Yes... There's a lot to do! 😄😂

But I'm glad that I can give a warm hug to both of them now.

[KaiLee]

When I close my eyes, I lose the sense of my existence. It's not the same as sleep; in fact my sleep feels like just the same void, not restful. I can't sense the past and future. Pain is returning to my body.

 

My life has been just a huge blank. I've felt this way since I was a child, and I was already giving up. It's so sad that my only life is filled with such void, without any significance or meaning.

While writing this, a thought has just occured to me that 'meaning' only exists in the present. If I can find a meaning of my life at this moment, that is all I need to have.

I could not have thought something like this until just an hour ago. Now I can see how terrible I was feeling, how trapped I was. I'm glad I'm out, and I hope this is a sign of further recovery.

[KaiLee]

I really wish I could forget everything again. I wish I didn't have these 'feelings' anymore. I wish I could return to that void again. 
This is worse. This is the real hell. This is where I was stuck before, a place I hated more than death but was too afraid of death to face it, so I had to destroy myself instead.

 

All the good parts of me are now gone. Where did they go? Was it all just an illusion? What is happening to me...

 

I liked myself and my life so much more just a month ago, even in those waves... And somehow, deep inside, I knew that what I feared the most was my past coming alive again. But it happened. Now I don't know what to do. 

 

I can't feel content with myself at all anymore. I have become a meaningless, wandering ghost again. I am so angry, frustrated, agitated, depressed, confused, hurt,...