KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

I've been extremely lonely almost my whole life.

 

[KaiLee]

But in fact I've changed so much after the meds. 

Life is so much better in every single way, even including this pain, because now I have a chance to face and heal them.

[KaiLee]

I hadn't had a life in the past, and now I have one.

 

[KaiLee]

I'm so back to where I originally was.

Feels terrible to be back.

But I guess this can mean hope for others who weren't in too much trouble before.

Please have hope.

[KaiLee]

I feel so sick.

I hate myself.

Yuck.

 

So tired and lonely.

I had to blame myself for everything, but my unconscious always knew the answer.

So there was a constant ongoing conflict between my conscious and unconscious.

I was extremely repressed person.

I could not show any kind of feeling.

Nothing seemed to belong to me.

I could never feel ease, rest, or naturally happy.

I could only try to feel 'high'.

I might have done much drugs and went down such road if I had access to it. Luckily I did not.

So I played games instead.

[KaiLee]

I felt as if everything was always blamed on me.

Nobody took care of me. Instead, they forced me to do things I hated and had no interest in. And whatever came out as a bad result was always my fault.

People would call me lazy and I feared I might appear as stupid to others. In my country and my hometown, 'being stupid' was worse than being dead.

[KaiLee]

Not even my parents cared for me. Instead, they rather forced me to study, which I already had lost interest in a long time ago.

They did love me. Perhaps I always felt that in some kind of way, or at least my memory of younger days told me so. But they neglected me for a very long time.

Now they love me and care about me, a lot. I suppose they just couldn't find a right way to approach to me after all these years.

But the wound is too deep. It feels very overwhelming now.

[KaiLee]

But anyway, now I don't become afraid thinking I might not heal.

I will heal, no matter what.
But I do worry that I might take too much time to heal while I am getting older and rusty.

I still feel like a 10 year old kid inside.

But I have to be a man, right now.

[Sonia009]

20 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

But anyway, now I don't become afraid thinking I might not heal.

I will heal, no matter what.
But I do worry that I might take too much time to heal while I am getting older and rusty.

I still feel like a 10 year old kid inside.

But I have to be a man, right now.

@KaiLeeYou will heal, you have to believe that, it may seem that there is no hope right now but you are healing little by little each day even though it might  feel like hell on earth. I think all we can do is look after ourselves as best we can, have patience and belief in ourselves. Try to replace negative  thoughts with hopeful thoughts, look forward to better days ahead. That's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy I know, for sure. Sending warm wishes to you.🙏🙂

[KaiLee]

@Sonia009 Thank you. 🥰❤️

[KaiLee]

I have always been an extremely confused, fragile, and unstable person before the meds.

My psychological growth has stopped at the age of 10. I couldn't even believe that I can actually want or hope to be happy. I was a tortured child.

Now I'm feeling the same way again. Terrible memories and feelings are coming back. I feel like someone else has taken the control of my mind, just the way I've always felt.

Funny how, the whole medicine thing actually took this fake identity away from me for a while, so I was able to see the glimpse of who I really am.

I owe my life to this event.

[KaiLee]

Feeling just like my old self.
It feels so disgusting.

Please let me go...

But I know I should accept it rather than to neglect it.

[KaiLee]

There's always this tragic feeling that defeats me to the core.

[KaiLee]

I need to focus on something better.

[Kaylaq]

Yes! Time to do something different!!! Instead of window shopping why not learn something new, … baby steps though 👍🏼😻😻 

[KaiLee]

@Kaylaq, I think that's a great idea.

I should try to learn something new.

Thank you. ☺️

[KaiLee]

I feel so terrible today.

I really feel so much like my old self.

I am so disgusted about how I feel.

I feel so disconnected from everything good in the world.

There is so much darkness in my mind.

But I've seen some real brightness that was still in me.

I thought I've lost it forever, but it was still there.

And I believe it will come back to me again.

[KaiLee]

I didn't even know my life was terrible.

I thought life was supposed to be this way.

I thought people who say they're happy were just faking about it.

I thought everyone must be just as miserable as I am.

I never knew life could be good.

 

 

[KaiLee]

I am starting to remember that, I also did experience some incredible things in my life.

I was a traveler, always searching for my soul. I never gave up on finding my true heart, which allowed me to endure every pain I went through.

[KaiLee]

Excruciating pain.

I would rather be numbed than to feel this.

This, is just my life now. It's not 'symptoms' anymore, to me.

How could this happen to me?

How can one person be in so much pain, all the time.

After all, I have never done terrible things in my life.

I have always just tried to understand why such painful things would happen to me.

Why nothing would make any sense to me.

Why I can never feel something remotely good.

I tried so hard to understand why I was always in so much pain, guilt, shame, and misery.

And I never understood.

Why, why...

 

I was able to see some bright lights just a while ago.

Something that I never expected would happen in my life.

But now everythings only seems darker than ever.

[KaiLee]

Everything hurts.

Everything hurts too much for me to bear.

Even things that would normally not hurt anyone else cause me significant pain easily.

I wish I didn't exist.

But I don't feel like I exist, anyway.

Pain is the only thing I feel in this tiny little world I live in.

A world the size of a mouse.

[KaiLee]

I wish I can just go back to the withdrawal period, when I didn't remember any of this. I didn't want to have my tortured life back. I liked the idea of being born again. I loved to think that I got a second chance. But why, after all that I've seen and felt, why would this come back to me again? Why would such horrible experiences come back to me again, and make me feel as if my life was nothing but a torture? The pain is so big, that it shadowes everything else. I can't feel anything but pain. It's just pain over another pain, and the pain never ends. That's how my life was like, since I was a teenager. I just could never understand why everything hurts so much. Why, why, why...

[KaiLee]

Extreme fear, and excruciating emotional pain. 

I do not want to lose my soul to this.

I do not want to lose this fight.

Not anymore.

[Kaylaq]

Sorry, you are in that suffering place again.  Remember these are only thoughts that you are choosing to focus on!! They can’t hurt you unless you stay focused on them! Please please find something new to do, to learn, something positive to focus on! 
 

you can do this, you cam make the changes you want for yourself!  Choose different, choose better!! ! 
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻🥰🥰

[KaiLee]

@Kaylaq, Thank you so much...❤️🙏🥰