KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[BaccatePlayer]

1 minute ago, KaiLee said:

Also those people only exist in my mind now.

For some reason I needed that quote and will probably need it in the future. Inspiring.

 

2 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I am also frightened, scared from deep inside now.

We likely process things with delay/slower than usual. Give yourself enough time.

 

3 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

I wish I can be a singer-songwriter myself.

Still doable I believe.

[KaiLee]

17 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

20 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

 

We likely process things with delay/slower than usual. Give yourself enough

 

I guess you're right. Then it should go away within time, perhaps my good feelings will come back to me again.

I am always terribly afraid that when I lose something important, it might never come back again. That is one of the worst fears I have.

 

17 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

20 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

 

For some reason I needed that quote and will probably need it in the future. Inspiring.

 

I am glad it inspired you. I've always been interested in mind, but these days really helped me shape my thoughts on our existence. Now I am much less confused about my being.

 

17 minutes ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Still doable I believe.

 

Thank you. I really wish I could.

[KaiLee]

I was never able to trust anyone.

I am shivering.

I had to imagine I had a father.

I trusted and loved Eric Clapton and his music more than my father, and I trusted an owner of cafe, who is also a woman of my mother's age, more than my mother. 

I was going crazy because I was in too much fear since I was teenager.

Of course I could not grow up properly. I could not buy groceries until I was 20. I didn't know how to get on train. The story goes on.

I had so many strange perceptions and thoughts about the world, and now I know the reason why.

Now I know... So please life, don't take it away from me. Don't let my peace blow away because some hype girls called me a disabled. I know they're ill as well, but it doesn't help when I'm too vulnerable, or is it that I am only starting to 'feel' again?

My eyes usually traced any holes or rocks or sharp things I saw everywhere. Now I know that is where my inner child was feeling.

All the 'adult' part of me was only built in order to protect myself from people who accused me for being 'childish', 'not grown'. Everything and everyone was so harsh on me.

I nearly tortured myself, did crazy experiments on me. My philosophical thoughts, those always questioned whether I am even alive or not. Once I thought maybe I'm dead, but I just don't know it. And I guess I've always believed in that way to some extent. 
I couldn't prove to myself that I was alive.

Please understand my bad English. I hope who reads this can understand what I'm trying to say.

I know I can write much better when I am feeling better. 

[KaiLee]

I'm afraid somebody is gonna knock at my door and come in, then knock me off from my chair and do some horrendous things to me.

[KaiLee]

I know it is better to stay away from these thoughts emotions, and now I can realize that I was completely drawn to it.

It's been 5 hours since I woke up from a short sleep, and it's 5am in here.

This usually happens when I have felt something really good the day before. I start to cling a lot to what I have felt, and I keep on mourning about what I've lost. But I still won't stop even though my thoughts and feelings have already become so terrible. Then it doesn't even matter what I'm mourning about. 

[KaiLee]

This is it. I'm stopping it for today.

 

I'm going to watch Home alone again and I won't care whether I get to sleep more or not.

[KaiLee]

My mind is intensely focused on something, but I can't figure out what that is.

This makes me impossible to adapt to the world that I am living in, and that I must live in with enough strength.

I am getting weaker every day.

I don't understand where I am at right now.

[KaiLee]

I realized I am feeling bad because I am just feeling too lonely.

I desperately need someone to be together with. I need a partner. I want to be in love with someone.

Or at least I must be moving towards that, but I cannot because I am too sick. But my mind won't understand that. It just sends me the signal that I should do something, but I can't do something. So I become extra sick.

 

I have never had a girlfriend in my life. I never succeded in expressing my feeling towards the woman I found interested in. There were so many. I always felt I was rejected, mocked, humiliated, but most of the time I didn't even try. I was much, much too insecure. I was never able to overcome that insecurity. I even felt extremely sorry for the girl that I was trying to talk to.

 

Funny how, it was in the middle of the withdrawal syndrome that I felt so content to myself and confidence in my masculinity, even though my cognition was still meh. I couldn't read a book, but I felt more confident than I ever did. 

I guess I was really much happier person when I hadn't had any memories left. I wouldn't have complained. But now it's all back, and it wants my attention.

 

It's been more than two weeks (only if I remember correctly, and I shouldn't trust my memory) that I hadn't felt any masculinity and confidence from myself. I feel like I have become that child who is just so hurt by everything that surrounds him. I cannot do anything but feel anger and hate towards everything, but at the same time I so desperately want love from everyone.

 

It feels so tough now. I wish I can cry it all out, or just go back to being man again. I am neither. Who am I?

[KaiLee]

I feel like I am having a major drawback.

I cannot feel anything good at this point anymore, and it feels like it's been such a long time since I ever felt good.

I know what I said yesterday, and it really was nice though, but something important was missing. I could not tolerate people. And I believe I wasn't able to tolerate my feelings, either.

What can I do when all my thoughts and emotions disappear all at once as if they have never existed before?

When all the good things are gone, suddenly all the terrible things fill in me and I just suffer. So immensely that I cannot even remember I had such good things in me.

I need that part of me back. The strong, resilient, wise, witty, humorous, and talented part of me that I know exist.

I need him back (I can feel I want to use this kind of word because I miss my masculinity so much, if I am not confident in my masculinity, then I have no developed inner femininity, then I am just a troubled child once again).

[KaiLee]

I feel like I am floating, surrounded by an endless void, all alone.

 

[KaiLee]

I understand that I am having trouble facing my own feelings.

What can I do for myself?

I think my voice just said "don't return to the past".

Indeed, there is no returning to the past.

But I've been clinging onto my past too much lately.

I must move on.

But how should I move on if I am too sick that I can't even go outside anymore?

Or am I just pretending to be sick?

[Kaylaq]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 praying for you!! Let it go, let it go, let it go!  💗💗💗 

[KaiLee]

Thank you so much, again 🥰

[KaiLee]

Everything good about life is gone.

My body can breath better now, but my heart doesn't beat anymore.

The good version of me is gone completely.

[BaccatePlayer]

Kai, you can always keep trying to build your dream life. Even if you fail in the end, at least you spent that time in hope and led by purpose. You can always get back to negative emotions, but would this benefit you? Is this what you want or is this what feels the easiest? Unresolved traumas are very common, you can work though them. When you saw the absolute bottom and survived, you know it can't be worse. You're very strong, remember.

[KaiLee]

You're right.

But no, it's not what I want nor what feels the easiest.

It's the worst and the hardest at the same time.

But sometimes my symptoms are just too horrible that it messes up with everything that's in my senses.
Of course I think you already know what I'm trying to say.

It's just that sometimes I cannot possibly escape from that fear, sometimes for too long.

But now I have people around me who really wants to help me to get better.

I've also seen so many good things that was hidden inside me.
Those were so precious to me that it didn't feel real (Or maybe the opposite; the reoccuring bad memories didn't seem real at the beginning).

So now I won't give up by any chance.

Thank you, @BaccatePlayer.

[KaiLee]

But sometimes life can be worse than being dead (whatever that means, I cannot articulate now).

That's how I always felt when I was younger.

And now I know when a person feels that way - it is when there seems to be no way that things will ever get better.

[KaiLee]

What you said is exactly the same thought I had few weeks ago, which is when I was feeling better.

That mindset is what I desperately want and need right now, but you know... it's just gone. Like it never was there before. 
I'm not explaining well again. But I am starting to feel better now. Hopefully good things will come back.

[BaccatePlayer]

4 hours ago, KaiLee said:

It's the worst and the hardest at the same time.

But sometimes my symptoms are just too horrible that it messes up with everything that's in my senses.

Yes, we are sane and we don't want to lose. Succumbing to suffering is not our natural direction. Symptoms skewing our perception makes it confusing sometimes, but our self-preserving nature doesn't die even if we feel so.

 

4 hours ago, KaiLee said:

It's just that sometimes I cannot possibly escape from that fear, sometimes for too long.

But now I have people around me who really wants to help me to get better.

I've also seen so many good things that was hidden inside me.
Those were so precious to me that it didn't feel real

Yes, it is so powerful that it smoothly blinds us. Recovery takes months for most of us, it takes over our everyday routines and concerns, so don't blame yourself for being lost in it cause we mostly are.

 

3 hours ago, KaiLee said:

That mindset is what I desperately want and need right now, but you know... it's just gone. Like it never was there before. 

I know that. Sometimes I read my old thoughts and think to myself "but how can I even believe this now?" which is our constant change and processing tempo delay that makes it so distant. But you are in all pieces, nothing is lost. You're on the right track and will come back stronger.

[KaiLee]

Thank you.

Your words make me feel better.

Thank you for cheering me up.

[KaiLee]

What is this?

I thought I was healing.

Now my 'symptoms' doesn't even seem to match with that classic windows and waves pattern.

In fact that's how I've been feeling for a while...

All I can think of is that my terrible past memories are coming back more alive (my poor vocabulary won't let me use other word than just 'past memories') and starting to torture me as it always did before.

I was feeling much better until a month ago.

I felt I was healing. I felt so much promise in my life.

But ever since I've been starting to remember more about my past, my life has been nothing else but a torture for me.

Now I am here, immensely suffering, only to remember how terrible my life has been. What a torture my life was. 

[KaiLee]

What can we do if there is nothing left to love about?

I don't think I've ever felt this bad during the whole withdrawal (but obviously I don't remember any of those moments, so it's always the 'worst', but this time it really is just horrible).

How naive was I?

I thought I was almost healed.

I thought I could live this way and see the future.

I thought my symptoms were much less severe than others.

[KaiLee]

I no longer want to live with this wickedness.

I want to live for the love of nature, and the nature of love.

I don't want to twist anything anymore.

[KaiLee]

All the negative aspects of my past life are trying to come back to me, even the things I thought I had forgotten.

[BaccatePlayer]

2 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Now my 'symptoms' doesn't even seem to match with that classic windows and waves pattern.

Probably good sign. Homogenization suggests your symptoms are coming to an end. Neutral at worst, but still not worth fixating on that. Just keep going and in a few weeks you'll see where it brought you with likely a more defined answer.

 

2 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Now I am here, immensely suffering, only to remember how terrible my life has been. What a torture my life was. 

Mood is very powerful. It fluctuates a lot from the inside, so you may feel confused. It will eventually find your stable sense of self, but right now don't get sucked into it because these are temporary jumps. You are a subject of constant changes and this is similair to watching partially painted nail - it looks odd, right? Like it didn't make sense, but when it's fully painted it looks solid again.

[KaiLee]

3 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Probably good sign. Homogenization suggests your symptoms are coming to an end. Neutral at worst, but still not worth fixating on that. Just keep going and in a few weeks you'll see where it brought you with likely a more defined answer.

 

I really hope so. So desperately I hope that will happen. Thank you.

 

3 hours ago, BaccatePlayer said:

Mood is very powerful. It fluctuates a lot from the inside, so you may feel confused. It will eventually find your stable sense of self, but right now don't get sucked into it because these are temporary jumps. You are a subject of constant changes and this is similair to watching partially painted nail - it looks odd, right? Like it didn't make sense, but when it's fully painted it looks solid again.

 

I know. That's how I've been feeling, and I am now aware that I'm still sucked into this bad mood. Bad isn't an enough word for this.

I also know how good I felt when I was in a completely different mood. Life was completely different, and I was strong.

But at the same time, these memories that appear in my mind are real. Things didn't seem to be real until few weeks ago. Back then, all I remembered were just an 'impression'. It was painful, but it also didn't seem real and it was somehow distant from me. That allowed me to have some hope at the same time when I was suffering.

Now am remembering the experiences of times when I suffered so much, but never truly healed from it. 

I just kept moving on with my life while pretending nothing happened to me. And now all of these painful memories are coming back to me and it seems to require my attention again. It's saying "look how painful you were, look!"

I am just too afraid how strong and painful these memories are. It's like a tsunami, or a tornado.

You can't fight against it. You just lose to it. Maybe the best thing is that it will go away some day.

I hope this will go away someday, too. Then I will start building new things again. Then again it will come back, go away, and repeat...

But while that happens, I might get stronger, and I will prepare for better the next time. 

[KaiLee]

Now it's only getting more clear that I'm not remembering any fake memories that my symptoms gave me, now these are just real.

I've lived a terrible life. I've been mentally sick and confused ever since I was about 10. I couldn't understand what was going in and around me. I felt like losing myself but I had no one to talk about it. 

If you're that sick since you are a child, you don't get a life. All you see, feel, think... everything just becomes part of your illness. Can you imagine that...?

I couldn't even dream of being 'normal' and living a 'good life'. I've gave up on that in such an early age.

Yeah, but whatever. My past doesn't matter much to me as long as I'm moving on.

But I can't do anything if it happens like this... It's like my past (I feel so much anger writing this) won't let me go at all. 

Funny, I felt most 'normal', 'mentally healthy' and 'promised' during all these crazy withdrawal symptoms than I ever had.

Remembering these sick past memories makes me feel so unfortunate. I just feel tremendous hate towards myself. I can see this is how I've always felt before. Everything was blamed on me.

Just let me go, and I will never bother you again...

[KaiLee]

I felt so much more hope in January and February.

March, to me, feels like a death sentence.

Life feels like a death sentence to me now.

And it was my birthday three days ago.

[KaiLee]

I wish I can disappear.

[KaiLee]

But I already know that's not how it works.

Whatever appears in my memory, I should accept it as my past.

I should love myself as it is.
Then I must begin to heal again.

[Kaylaq]

As we accept our shadow self, and surrender to the good and bad feelings, light can come in. Healing can begin!!! You have taken the first step, ….🤛🏼🙏🏻👍🏻 

 

Half the population on this beautiful planet has lived/experienced trauma in one form or another. We are not alone in our pain. You are seen & heard here!! 😊
 

Healing is a journey, one step at a time, one choice at a time, each moment again and again!!! Self love, self kindness, self compassion will get us through this!  
 

I have been self sabotaging the last few days, I’m still grieving and feel defeated! The above words are just as much for me as they are for all of us! 💗💗

[KaiLee]

Thank you. 🥰❤️‍🩹

[KaiLee]

Pain is less, but the 'good things' are still not returning.

 

I remember I used to wake up like this, with great fear and anxiety. Feeling so desperate, so guilty about something...

[KaiLee]

I don't know why things are getting worse and worse for me.

I wish someone can explain me why, and reassure me that it's all going to be fine.

[KaiLee]

I feel like I am reliving every fear I have felt in my life.

 

[KaiLee]

Can light therapy be the reason for this?

I feel I have become so much worse since I've been using light therapy machine (although I didn't use it regularly, sometimes I must have overdone).