KaiLee: Immediate adverse reaction, withdrawal, confusing and terrible symptoms

[KaiLee]

Wow, I've been feeling a little more better for the past few minutes and it's very surprising to feel so different about my past. Well I did have many bad times and I was very limited in many ways, but I was also extraordinary in many ways, too. I often feared losing what I had in myself as I felt it was too good to have it, which I now know comes from the traumatic experiences I had in the past when I had to lose things I loved the most.

But it's just so untrue that my life was just a ruin, and now I have to deal with this another painful emotion coming from realizing what a tremendous things I've lost, without knowing if I would ever get them back. I was wired in a very strange way. That made me disabled in many ways, but it also made me extremely special in other ways. If I may, I would call my past self as a genius who excels in his expertise but not a happy, ordinary man who knows how to live on. I was an extraordinary musician. I also had many other talents. But I never got to use them in a successful way. My brain just couldn't handle those. It came from nowhere, and now I fear they're gone away forever. 
But also during the meds, I was able to see the other version of me who is much healthier and knows better, feels better, and does better in many other things. In this way I felt I had more opportunity for growth and in this way I felt I can make a progress in life. In this way I thought I could be the person I was meant to be to reach my best potential, which I wasn't able to before, because I was very wicked.

I feel my brain is shutting down again, so for the next time... But now I enjoy being like a toddler, so whatever it has to speak, I am trying to let it speak whatever it wants to. So if it doesn't bother anyone, I would like to keep these journals in this place and possibly share some feelings with people.

Thanks to Kaylaq, I found these 🥰 cute emoticons when I read your thread few hours ago and instantly I started feeling better. How funny is my mind at the moment. It has everything!

I just wish I don't forget I am going through such I big thing at this moment, as my brain seems to forget about this many times and try to convince me this is just one another 'a day of lifetime that has been like this ever and will be forever'.

I am starting to think again that maybe my life was terrible.

Maybe I've been living in a hell and my life was worthless all the time.

I wish I can someday know the truth.

It is coming again, I feel being stuck again.

🧏

😍

 🙇💸🙉

[KaiLee]

Well, I was right.

My life has been a progress of seeking for less pain and confusion, which all started in my childhood.

Now I can remember them more clearly.

It gives me so much pain. 
I wish I can take a lot of sleeping pills, if I can.

Instead I just took bunch of sleep aids which does nothing.

Oh, what can I do...

[Catina7]

Dear @KaiLee,  my heart hurts for what you've been going through.  Please be careful about taking so many supplements.  We think that maybe there will be that magic pill that will make everything better, but for someone in your state it can make you much, much worse and add to your difficulties.  It's best to keep your body clean of added substances and let TIME heal things.  Yes, TIME and PATIENCE will be your greatest healers.  It's hard to be patient when we feel so bad, but that is going to be the best thing for you. 

 

Is it possible for you to find a compassionate therapist that can help you deal with some of your childhood trauma?  It might be good for you to get some professional help for this.

 

We value you as a member here and hope you feel comfortable and welcome.  You are NEVER alone!  There are others who have been where you are and have gotten better, so never lose hope that you can improve.  You are very young and have lots of time to recover and enjoy life again.  You're not going to be this way forever. 

 

Sending you much love.  Show yourself some compassion and know you're doing the best you can. 

 

Catina ❤️ 

 

[KaiLee]

@Catina7, thank you so much. 💟

But I just have to express my agony...

Until last week's supplement incident, I had something. I had something I could hold on to, something I had never lost. Then I lost it all.

I was even shining. I really could've hold on to it. I had to. I was just very tired from suffering, so I took the supplements.

To me, supplements didn't do anything for the first few months. Even if I took about 30 capsules of one or mixed supplements, almost nothing happened at all.

I've been getting some sensitivity to substances back since January.

Now my head is completely empty because of what I took. Really, nothing left.

I'm being tortured by every memories and thoughts I cannot help but have...

Thank you for your advice. I am seeing a therapist, but I am not sure if meeting him is helping me.

On one incident talking to him has made me so worse. That day I had no anxiety, in a way I hadn't felt in almost 20 years. I wasn't like 'no anxiety mode' from the meds' effect, but 'being healthy without anxiety' kind of feeling. But while visiting my therapist, and talking to him, I got extremely worse. To tell the truth, that day is what's behind all the downfall I've been seeing lately. The NAC was just a climax.

Also it was so hard to explain what I'm going through to him. That's not only him, though. Nobody really seems to get a clue about this, except for the ones who suffered.

Sometimes talking does take me away from the never-ending pain, so I do choose to talk to someone, including my therapist when I feel like I need to. But I guess... I don't know what I should do from now on.

It's just so hard to believe what has happened to me. I was suffering before, but I had something really good to hold on to. Now I am completely lost. I have got nothing, nothing at all.

I guess I really must teach myself to be patient and take care of myself especially in the very worst of the days. When the good days come, if they do, I will be prepared for the next time. This time I won't lose. I will be prepared to keep myself together.

Although my mind is just full of darkness, your kind words does something to me. 

Thank you for welcoming me. I do feel fresh and warm!

[Catina7]

You're so welcome @KaiLee.  I'm sorry you're not having success with your current therapist.  Perhaps you can find a new one.  

 

I would like to suggest something to you:  If you're able to, I want you to find another person on this site that needs encouragement, and I want you to reach out to them and offer a kind word of support.  When we can do a good deed for others, it gives us purpose and helps us to realize that even though we feel broken, we can still be useful.

 

I heard a very good illustration once at my Kingdom Hall, and it was about feeling like we're "broken."  The speaker then used an illustration of a crayon that was broken in two.  He brought out the point that even though the crayon was broken into pieces it could still draw beautiful pictures.  So....even though we may feel "broken," we can still be useful to others.

 

I hope that gives you some food for thought and some strength to keep going my dear friend.

 

Catina ❤️

[KaiLee]

Haha, that's right! Crayons are invincible. It only ends in its own pace.

Thank you @Catina7, I promise I will do that. It will be great for me.  

[Catina7]

10 hours ago, KaiLee said:

Haha, that's right! Crayons are invincible. It only ends in its own pace.

Thank you @Catina7, I promise I will do that. It will be great for me.  

 

Fantastic!  Hang in there my friend, you're going to get better eventually.  The key is to tell yourself that giving up is NOT an option.  I think if you can focus on helping others here on the site it will do you a world of good.  🥰

[KaiLee]

It's just getting too obvious to me that everything I had until last week is gone.

All I had is gone. It's the worse I can imagine.

Even when I didn't 'have' anything in my head, I would still call that better than this.

Now it's like an emotional, physical torture in every possible way.

I have chest pain all the time, and my heart beats like crazy, all the time.

I feel stuck.

I hate everything, everyone, including myself.

But hate is not an enough word.

Now it's not like I don't have the 'ability'. I do seem to have the ability compared to my past days.

But everything is so 'disgusting'.

What could this be?

I feel terrible I can't really explain what I'm going through. I cannot even get a help like this.

I am drowning into myself.

 

[KaiLee]

But I won't stop trying to send good messages around to people.

[littlebird]

46 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

But I won't stop trying to send good messages around to people.

Thank you for sending good messages out in the world! I'm so sorry you're suffering and I hope it passes soon. Please try to take extra good care of yourself and make time to do things you enjoy. 

[Catina7]

8 hours ago, KaiLee said:

I won't stop trying

 

That's the right attitude @KaiLee...just keep trying to do your best and to help others who are suffering.  What you're going through is terrible, but you are never alone.  There are others who are suffering too.  You have to keep going because WHAT IF you get better in the future?  You no doubt WILL get better one day.  In the meantime, I know things are very hard, but try to accept where you are and stop fighting it.  You might feel unwell for awhile, but I know in time you'll get better.  Your body is trying to heal all the time.  Hang in there my friend!  

[Kaylaq]

Withdrawal from these meds is a nasty horrible experience…. My heart goes out to you in your despair 😔.  So glad you are writing here and that some of us are following your journey.  It will get better, the horrendous days will pass.  I wanted to share some things I do to get through the days of agony.  I listen to a lot of healing meditation music from YouTube,  as I fall asleep and when I wake up.  “Progressive Hypnosis” is my favorite, especially the 1 to 2 hrs videos. I let the longer healing music run on my TV in the background during the day. This has greatly helped me over the last few months. I, Also, read a lot of Novels to get out of my mind space of negativity….and to get through the hours when I don’t function. I repeat a lot of Mantras, “ I surrender, I release, this to shall pass….over & over.  
 

I liked Catina7 post “what if” we heal, the possibilities!  Never give up! 
we read you, we see you, we hear you!  
 

I send you courage, strength, love to live another day! 😻😻

[KaiLee]

Thank you, everyone, truly.

[KaiLee]

I feel like I'm being ill without myself letting know I'm ill. I've read that when we're in waves, we feel like we've been like this all the time.

That's exactly how I feel. But I thought I've been through this, and I thought I understood this feeling. Last time it was different. Last time I knew that I was ill, even if my brain was trying its best to convince me that was just who I am, and who I've always been.

But this time, my brain completely believe this is me, without a doubt, and believe I am normal, that I am just pretending to be sick or something. It creates all kind of dirty illusions of

thoughts and feelings, ane it is unbelievebably real because these are all based on my past experiences. But this cannot be normal.

To me, this is much worse than the time when I felt or thought nothing inside from me. I hate being like this more than anything. The negative thoughts and feelings have grown inside me for few weeks, and now it makes the most part of me. It completely shadowed everything that was good inside of me, which was the real and only treasure I had. Without that I can't live.

So this is much worse as a torture. I really hope there is an end to this. Right now, my mind cannot spot any brightness through these endless darkness. But life should never be like this, at least not anymore.

 

I don't know why, even if my experience is always worse, I can't seem to write anything honest. I always try to write it more poetic or heroic, or try to make it hopefull. I guess this is also part of the way I've always dealt with my aching heart, to ease my pain when I have to say something that gives me so much pain just by saying it. 

Or maybe it's just because of the cognitive decline. I don't know.

All I wish is to know that this weird period can end. Even when I felt I lost everything inside me, I must have seen more hope than this, when my brain wouldn't even let me to have a tiny amount of hope.

[KaiLee]

Did anyone experience a sudden anxiety at one point out of nowhere, then watch it grow up until it takes over every part of your being over time?

Plus, I am sorry for the thing I wrote above, I understand it might be difficult to read.

[KaiLee]

But I can't understand, it is now not like that I am hopeless, it feels more like there was never hope, there was never a need for a hope. 
It feels like my brain wants to tell me you're just this. Forever before and forever after. You're not stuck in anything, this is you. Why are you trying to escape?

And it shows me the most depressing images of my past experience, be it thoughts, feelings, or sensations, whatever. I have no real ability to do, think or feel anything, but I don't feel any weird about it at all. My sleep and waking up is always terrible, and my day never gets better. There is nothing good about life.

Until last friday(now I don't remember the daye)morning, I had something I could call feelings inside of me. In fact it was much more honest feelings than I have felt before, it was those feelings that I've lost since my childhood. Althoug I was extremely vunlerable and suffering from an anxiety, I still had something to hold on.

In fact, I know this feeling. This is how I felt when I was younger - although I was always feeling extremely terrible, my mind never allowed me to think that I am suffering. It made me believe and say that I am normal and fine, which created a conflict inside me and I always felt extreme amount of guilt as well, both for myself and others. 
It all started from the anxiety that happened few weeks ago, which started to turn everything into worse for me. I started losing every memories again(in much worse way, in the past it was just gone, now I just feel disconnected), of course feelings were gone as well, but this time the function is there but it only stays to torture me. I cannot think about anythiny in depth, or clearly. I show or feel no emotions. I tend to forget everything I am trying to write again, but perhaps this is something I am now better than the past. But everything else is worse.

I am so sorry for everyone but mostly to myself, that I cannot address my symptoms. How can I get help it I can't write about my own experience? But I just can't. Something prevents me from doing it.

😭

[KaiLee]

Still I haven't forgot how kind and cheerful everyone has been to me. Thank you.

I just wish I can get my depth back, and feel love again.

[KaiLee]

Just around few weeks ago I had a desire to study everything, to follow my path in the best way possible. I had a dream to become the best of myself until the day of my death.

I wanted to learn, take care of myself, and love as much as I could. Words cannot suffice to express the feelings and thoughts I had. Also function for using words wasn't back, and still now.

I felt great music in me. I could express it out freely. I could feel the limitless power of music coming out from me.

 

In fact, as of this moment when I'm writing this, now I start to remember that I was a really great guitarist and a musician. I guess I am getting slightly better at this moment. To remember more, I also had many other musical abilities. What I've been thinking of myself was not true, although I did suffer a lot in my lifetime. My problem was always my mental suffering. It begun very young, and affected myself in such great ways. But I also had grown to have enough strength to stay as myself no matter when, and I always tried to move on. I just wasn't aware of so, so many things. It wasn't possible for me. It does hurt me a lot that couldn't have been better, as now (when I'm quite alright) I can see how much I could've been better. I wasted so much time on searching for nothing, rambling all the time, lost in the pain from my unhealed wounds.

I guess it sums as that I had a talent, somehow was able to develop it in such way(much more than I tried to), could not control or develop myself, or have a real understanding of myself. I remember just being confused all the time, not knowing what to do, whom to trust.

It hurts to write anymore, so I must stop... And I still don't know how much of these memories are true. I just want to express them out as much as possible.

If anyone spends time to read this, thank you very much. I know I write in a very silly way, but that's just me. I can get better. And I will.

 

[Kaylaq]

Dear KaiLee, I have read all your posts, I hear you!!  You are so hard on yourself, …be kinder to yourself…your brain is detoxifying and healing, it will take time. Your thoughts are not the real you. Let them flow through you and out!  I know the crazy mind takes over, I hate that part too!!   Keep using your healing tools, keep telling yourself each day you are getting better, stronger!  This is not forever!! 
 

I send you courage, strength, and love to fight another day 👍🏼😊🙏 

[KaiLee]

Thank you, @Kaylaq. Thank you so much for your kindness.  

I truly wish you can go yours through with much courage and strength as well.

I send you back, with courage and love, hope.

Take care.

😄💛🌠

[Ryder]

On 2/8/2024 at 12:23 AM, Catina7 said:

Dear @KaiLee,  my heart hurts for what you've been going through.  Please be careful about taking so many supplements.  We think that maybe there will be that magic pill that will make everything better, but for someone in your state it can make you much, much worse and add to your difficulties.  It's best to keep your body clean of added substances and let TIME heal things.  Yes, TIME and PATIENCE will be your greatest healers.  It's hard to be patient when we feel so bad, but that is going to be the best thing for you. 

 

Take 1 supplement at a time. I once overloaded my body by taking too many supplements in order to find relief. 

 

Time will be your best healer in your taper. 

[KaiLee]

@Ryder, thank you for your reply.

Please feel free to skip to the last sentence if you want. There's the question I want to ask you, and the rest is just my painful journey.  

I have done many times of those silly adventures. Few times I even took about 30 pills of one supplement, or the whole bottle of it. It still didn't do anything on me except for some nausea and dizziness, so I kept doing it whenever I felt desperate. I wonder what it was actually doing to my body from inside.

Since January supplements started to do something for me. The results were mixed, and I did use many dangerous supplements. But most time it still didn't do much thing on me.

What I've done last week by taking few supplements has nearly put an end to me. Several times before there actually was some times when I had terrible outcomes for some times, but I eventually got back on the healing track so I overlooked.

Perhaps it is true that one never learns until it gets crushed by something. Or maybe it's just me.

Today I took another supplement. I've been taking it since yesterday, which is Ginkgo Biloba. It did something good when I took two pills, but made me worse when I took two more. So today I only took two. It did quite save me from that endless hopelessness. It really was like the end, and now, maybe I can at least imagine there is a tiny amount of hope through my head.

I have a really dangerous habit of taking supplements. Although I have stopped taking most supplements, even these nights when I cannot help with this terrible feelings, I take some bunch of sleeping aid supplements and try to sleep. 

Then of course some of them interacts wrongly and wake me up, and I have to spend the night awake until I fall down in some random time, just like a robot losing its power and shutting down. 
I've ordered bunch of supplements in past few months, and I realize not only I had wasted tons of money on them, I also ruined my healing process significantly. Now I don't even know how much I am damaged. I was still healing after all I did to myself, but since last week, something really did collapse. The healing part completely disappeared. Even when the anxiety happened few weeks ago and I started suffering from insomnia, some part of me was still trying to heal. Now that is completely gone.

How funny I can gamble with my life like this, just for the moment's relief. I've read many people(not so much, though) on this website saying how they've ruined themselves by using supplements and still not being able to find hope after years later, but I never believed I might be one. Perhaps I was too hopeless, or maybe I was too full of hope. I must have had that belief that some part of me might be invincible. Now that proved to be wrong.

Actually, all I wanted to ask was, how did you deal with it? How has it gone for you? Did you get back on your healing track? Did you survive?

Nevertheless, thank you for your kind advice. I really must learn my lesson. Even after such terrible happened to me, I still take large doses of something when I just can't help myself! One at a time, after a careful research. If I cannot do a research, then... Endure. See the bright side of something. Help someone. Do something, even if I don't feel like it.

Stick to the new rules. I need rules. No more of random actions. No more impulsive behaviors.

I feel like a toddler again. Perhaps this is what @KenA meant. I really must learn, or I won't survive.

To whoever reads this boring and messy stuff I wrote out of agony, thanks for reading. Thanks a lot.

[KaiLee]

In fact, the reason I keep writing even if I'm terrible at it is because writing is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm reinventing myself, or at least hold onto myself.

I've been ordering random stuffs from Amazon, including supplements, and now I'm planning to return them. Guess it could be a nice way of spending some time. Just enough amount of difficulty for me. Actually, it might be so hard that I might need a help from my family. 

And it is truly lucky to have a family around me, I wouldn't know what might have happened if I didn't have them. Although they were the part of the reason I took the meds in the first place, now I can see why things had to happen in a much clearer sight. All I wish is I can be strong enough not to make any same mistakes from the past.

Speaking of Amazon products, did anyone have any good results with any itmes, perhaps for anxiety? Maybe insomnia, head pressure, or anything else? Although I am trying not to waste any more money on this, I really would like to get some help if I could from buying some meaningful products. Like a good clothes, headband, spa, chair, shoes, etc...

I am fairly new to this type of thing. I was always a person who just uses whatever he spots on his eyes. I liked to call that an 'intuition' and thought of it as my special character or ability or something. Now I think that was very silly. So many silly things I would not like to repeat.

[Ryder]

11 minutes ago, KaiLee said:

Actually, all I wanted to ask was, how did you deal with it? How has it gone for you? Did you get back on your healing track? Did you survive?

 

I had to have the supplements taken off me when I checked into hospital. So I asked for help, and the nurses took the supplements off of me even though I was addicted to 1-2 of them. 

 

Take magnesium. Put in the bin the rest of your supplements. 

[KaiLee]

My writing style and ability changes every time, and my personality changes every time.

Sorry if anyone thought I was a female, for my confusing nickname. I regretted it instantly. But now I am quite fond of it.

I was a completely different person before meds, after meds, and while these symptoms, I feel I had about twenty lives and now I am about at 23rd. It's my new personality speaking at the moment. 
While writing this, I started to remember some good things about my past. I had some very good qualities. My friend used to say to me, "You underestimate your strength too much, and always overestimated your weakness." He was the closest friend of mine, which whom I lost after taking the meds. I thought I was schizophrenic, and by some reason I cannot tell, I wanted to get away from him. And I got away from everyone. But I felt alright being alone, after a while. Movies calmed me down very much, also reading to Carl Jung's words. So it was quite a surprise when I looked up in the internet to call some girl I knew in the past, just because I so much wanted to do so. But more weird is how much painful it was to do that. When she picked up the phone and realized who I was, she started to answer to me in such a cold tone of voice(because I rejected her kind affection in the past in a most naive way), and that gave me so, so much pain in my heart that my body started aching, too. I couldn't sleep that night. 

[KenA]

@KaiLee, I know you are desperate for some relief, but please stop experimenting with supplements. They are more likely to do harm than good. We only recommend magnesium and fish oil. Personally I didn't take any supplements at all. I just let my body heal naturally. I cut out caffeine and alcohol as well. You are going to set back your recovery by experimenting and trying different things. Just embrace the suck, trust that you will heal with time, and let it ride.

[Kaylaq]

Withdrawal from these meds is a nasty horrible experience…. My heart goes out to you in your despair 😔.  So glad you are writing here and that some of us are following your journey.  It will get better, the horrendous days will pass.  I wanted to share some things I do to get through the days of agony.  I listen to a lot of healing meditation music from YouTube,  as I fall asleep and when I wake up.  “Progressive Hypnosis” is my favorite, especially the 1 to 2 hrs videos. I let the longer healing music run on my TV in the background during the day. This has greatly helped me over the last few months. I, Also, read a lot of Novels to get out of my mind space of negativity….and to get through the hours when I don’t function. I repeat a lot of Mantras, “ I surrender, I release, this to shall pass….over & over.  
 

I liked Catina7 post “what if” we heal, the possibilities!  Never give up! 
we read you, we see you, we hear you!  
 

I send you courage, strength, love to live another day! 😻😻

[KaiLee]

@Ryder, Yes, I really must do that. I was just thinking about that today. Surprisingly, I still wanted to try some of them until last week. I wondered what they would do to me. Perhaps, make me a super smart. Or remove my anxiety. I still had such expectation.

Now I try to stick onto magnesium, omega 3, and melatonin. I still don't have a melatnin supplement that only has a small amount each pills, so I might have to get that first. But 10mg does seem to work for me, as it makes me tired. It's just that I don't sleep anyway.

I also take footbath with epsom salts. This increases my interest in buying footbath products, and something like an inflatable bathtub.

I also ordered a weighted blanket, wondering when it would arrive.

 

Thank you @KenA, now must be the real time I must learn. In fact I am much worse than the last time you gave me an advice! If I don't change now, perhaps I might never heal.

 

@Kaylaq,thank you. I was listening to what you have suggested the other day, and now seems like a good time for me to resume.

I am truly glad I am getting lots of support from such kind, caring people. It actually feels more like healing to me in many ways.

What if I heal, I want to grow up. That is all I want. I want to grow up to the tallest I can be. While doing that, I will enjoy and love everything the most I can.

[Kaylaq]

A short reply to the supplement topic, KaiLee,  you have to simplify what you are putting into your body, it’s very confused at this time.  It takes Months for the body to heal, the more stuff you take the longer it will be to regulate!  keep it simple! Spend your money on good healthy real food, lots of water! 👍🏻😝  Patience with your recovery! 
 

We are here for you! 😊 

 

[KenA]

Great advice from @Kaylaq. Keep things simple and slow. Develop a daily routine where your body is not surprised or shocked by you doing something out of the normal. Right now, it needs to establish a new baseline and that requires calmness and stability. If you do the same thing every day, your body can adjust and then begin the healing process without all the chaos interrupting it. I personally had a daily routine where I did the same thing each and every single day. Was it boring? Yes, but it was calming and reassuring. It helped me to be able to stay calm and allowed my body to heal. You are going to heal as well. No matter what you do, you will still heal, but the process can be either painful, or you can do the best you can to allow acceptance and positivity. This doesn't have to be a negative experience. Things are only negative because we allow them to be. If we just relax and go with the flow, then life's events have less control over us. Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond. You are going to be ok!

[KaiLee]

Thank you so much.  😄

 

I promise whenever I'm ready, I'll always be there for everyone who needs help, as much as I can.

 

[KaiLee]

It was all about me.

These symptoms are dreadful, as much as it can be, but still underneath, there's me who reacts to everything.

I always felt pain in my heart since I was a child and I never believed I could ever not be lonely.

My words always decieved me, as it has always failed to protect me or deliver my feelings.

It's all about me.

I never believed I could heal.

I always lived like I was going to die soon, and now I know that was also part of my wish.

That's why I took the supplements.

[KaiLee]

Something is better today. Although not as good as before, I am much better.

Thanks everyone, for giving me a lot of hope and strength in such difficult days.

 

[KaiLee]

Why did I say much better, I am in such great pain just an hour after.

But I know it is more about having hope. Knowing that there is something inside yourself that you will love to see some day, even if it's not in my clear sight yet. I saw the glimpse of it. 

That is enough. 

🛎️

[Kaylaq]

Hang on to those moments of wellness, we are here for you 👍🏻😊

[Kaylaq]

I came across this article here, hoping it helps! 😊
 

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/6129-the-importance-of-recognizing-youre-feeling-good/