success ☼ Hudgens's story

[Lexy]

I'm going back to reread your thread. I'm at 44.5mg.

Made a change to using half brand and half immediate generic. Only was symptom that changed is the vertigo.

 

I need to read how you did when you were at my dose.

Thanks for your updates.

[Hudgens]

I didn't start my thread until well after I started having trouble, which wasn't until 1 year and 10 months or so into my taper at which point I was at about 2 mgs. I tapered to 37.5 mgs in exactly one year-no withdrawal symptoms. Then tapered to 2mgs in the next 9 months-no withdrawal symptoms. Then, in order to finish at the 2 year mark, I began 50% reductions every two weeks. I didn't know at the time that things don't get easier, but in fact usually get more difficult, at the end of a taper. After 3 50% reductions I had 2 months of unbelievable hellish withdrawal. I began reading accts on this site and realised my mistake. I reinstated for the only time-not much-but things got better within a few weeks. I continued at a much slower pace after that. I felt better but continued to have bad waves every so often. When they got very bad in March of last year, I began this thread. I reduced from somewhere around a mg and a half for 12 months to where I am now, below one half of a tenth of a mg.. Over the last year things have gotten better and better-except for the insomnia which has stayed with me from the time of the 50% reductions until now, and has unfortunately gotten a little worse-but not so bad that I can't get by. Everyone's experience is different as far as  when things happen. The hellish parts-or what happens durring the bad parts-seem very similar, though. Getting through this is possible for everyone, I think. And once you're through, for some reason or other, it doesn't look so bad, I mean to look back on. I think this is beacause of a regaining of some sort of normal, inner strength, lost during the bad parts of withdrawal. 

 

You probably have a long way to go, but ultimately you're going to be fine.   

[Hudgens]

Well, got through the first day at new dosage with no withdrawal symptoms.

[Narcissus]

 

 

The hellish parts-or what happens durring the bad parts-seem very similar, though. Getting through this is possible for everyone, I think. And once you're through, for some reason or other, it doesn't look so bad, I mean to look back on. I think this is beacause of a regaining of some sort of normal, inner strength, lost during the bad parts of withdrawal. 

 

This is right on I think.

 

So glad you're doing well on the new dosage Hudgens.  Stay with us.

[Hudgens]

I will, but for a selfish reason. It makes me feel useful.

[Altostrata]

You've learned so much, your advice to others is very valuable.

[Lexy]

Thank you for your response. I do now remember reading you thread and wondering how your WDs were earlier on. Thank you so much this has been very useful!

[Hudgens]

You're welcome.

Last night was a second bad night for sleep in a row (about 2 hrs), which means tonight will probably be better.

Seemed to get a lot done today. Yet another day without any withdrawal symptoms. My tinitus, however, got louder

this evening. I noticed this happened for the first week or so during my last drop. It usually quieted down after

going to bed. Feeling pretty exhausted right now and have dark circles under my eyes as well as looking and feeling generally run down. I'm very lucky that although I've had this chronic sleep deprivation for more than a year and a half,

it's really only bothered me for the last 3 weeks.

[Hudgens]

Good night's sleep last night. Had a good day this third day since drop, exercised (walked)for the first time since last fall. Mood good, too. Couldn't ask for better.

[Hudgens]

The pattern of my insomnia is 2 bad nights for every good one. Last night I got about one hour of sleep. Didn't feel too bad during the day, though, which always makes me wonder if I'm sleeping more than I think. First day in a while that I ate healthy as well as exercised. A little bit of anxiety at bed time, unusual-this is the time it usually leaves me if I've had any during the day or evening. This is my 4th day since last drop. Not too bad so far.

[Hudgens]

Day 5 since latest drop. Seems like I slept even less last night than the night before, in fact I don't remember ever falling to sleep. Still, I had a pretty normal day, a liitle tired, but actually got a lot done. Very tired right now. No withdrawal symptoms today. Mood still good. Couldn't ask for things to be much better except for the insomnia. Probably am getting more sleep than I think, but not nearly enough-my eyes look absolutely horrible-I look at pictures of myself just 5 months ago and they look perfectly normal, wide open and healthy-the recent bags and dark circles make me look 10 years older. But even if this look turns out to be permanent, it will be well worth it to get beyond this drug. Perhaps in as little as 5 weeks from now.

[Petunia]

I hope you got a better night sleep Hudgens.  I'm sure that when you get off the meds and recover a bit more, you will start to look fitter and healthier than you have in a long time.

[Hudgens]

Thanks, I'm sure you're right. Had a bad 3rd night's sleep last night. Feeling very exhausted right now, will be in bed soon and we'll see. Some anxiety today but not much. The anxiety may be announcing the beginning of a wave due to recent drop. This is the 6th day since.

[Altostrata]

That pattern in sleep is called oscillation. The good news is your nervous system tends to oscillate towards more sleep. The bad news is this can take a while.

[Hudgens]

Last night I got maybe 5 hrs so feeling better today. Thanks for the objectivity, it always helps.

[Hudgens]

A good day. Feeling a little tired despite 5 hours last night-but definitely felt better today compared to the last 3.

Still, no other withdrawal symptoms to speak of a week out from latest drop. Still doing all normal sorts of things, exercising, studying watching old movies and working. Very Sanguine.

[Hudgens]

Very little sleep last night. Yet got through pleasant social gathering this evening. The insomnia doesn't stop me from normal activities, at least not yet. Still no other withdrawal symptoms-a lot simpler only having to deal with one.

[Hudgens]

A good day.

[Hudgens]

No withdrawal symptoms today. 10th day since drop.

[Hudgens]

Every 4th night I sleep well. That's just enough to keep me going through this last part of the tapering. Hard to complain since there really aren't any other symptoms right now. 11 days since drop. Mood is good, too. 

[mammaP]

You are doing great Hudgens, I love seeing your updates and that you are improving all the time,

you give me hope of getting off that last half a  milligram! 

[Hudgens]

It's even less than that-one half of a tenth of a mg. I've been a little jumpy today-Cortisol, of course. Mindfulness (breathing meditation and body scans) keeps this at the lowest level possible. The effects of the insomnia don't seem as bad as a week ago-I mean to say, I don't feel exhausted last few days. Maybe it's going back to where it doesn't bother me very much. It really was like that for a year or so. That would be great.

[Sweetcreature]

Sooo happy for your Hudgens...really and truly

[Hudgens]

Thanks.

Not a bad day.

Got a whole lot of work done plus exercised and ate very healthy. Doing actual studying lately,too. Mood's good.

Didn't expect to be this far into a drop without some sort of wave. Still 12 days isn't very long.

[Hudgens]

Pretty good lately other than the insomnia-only one hour last night, not just exhausted but even painful now at bedtime. Still no other symptoms 2 weeks now since last drop. Haven't really had much sleep for 4 nights in a row-yet today was the only really tough day, and I have to admit, though I got a significant amount of work done this morning-I missed a family function this afternoon because of the extreme tiredness. Well, there are limits. No shame i n that.

[Hudgens]

Slept a little better last night, so felt better today. Had to do a lot of house cleaning. Getting out to a play tomorrow night. Ears getting sore from wearing foam ear plugs at night. Still no sign of any other withdrawal symptoms-that part's great. 

[mammaP]

That's brilliant Hudgens, every time I see your updates are good it gives me hope 

and I'm sure gives others hope too. Thank you for sharing the positives with us 

[Hudgens]

Slightly better sleep last night-4 hours in a row, I think. Went out to a musical (A Little Night Music) and really enjoyed the evening. No withdrawal symptoms, mood still good. Getting out in just about any social setting-regardless as to whether things go well or badly, oddly enough-just makes me feel better, stronger, I guess emotionally. Even when I'm in the middle of a wave and really don't feel like doing anything-getting out with people- just to walk around a city or a mall-does me a whole lot of good, I've never regreted it no matter how badly I felt at the time. Staying socially connected is so dificult and, at the same time, so important. It's importance can not be overstated.

[alex]

Hi Benz;you are doing just the right thing, and that is not to withdraw from life.

You are a warrior, like many others here.

Congratulatons.

It is incredible what a little pill can do to your life isn't it?

[Hudgens]

You can say that again, and again. Recently (yesterday) something good came out of all of this. My younger brother began to have problems with dizziness and other anxiety symptoms. A doctor offered him an antidepressant and-having visited me several times and having seen what I've been going through during the last several years-he told the dr., "no thanks". I told him if things get bad he should look to therapy to deal with it, But-unless he is so depressed (he has no depression) that he can't get out of bed for weeks to the point where he's soiling himself-he's is under no circumstances to let one antidepressant pass between his lips. I don't think, however, that the warning was necessary-his seeing my suffering was enough to turn him against these drugs for good. I also told him that as hard as it is to believe-the Drs. don't know what they're talking about when it comes to this one category of drugs (leaving antipsychotics and tranquilizers to one side).

 

So you see, we can all do good just as living examples.

 

By the way, I slept much better last night. Some early afternoon anxiety, but that's gone now and I'm feeling pretty good.

[Hudgens]

Another adequate night's sleep-possibly a full night's. Felt some anxiety in early afternoon and then again around 8 PM.

Still some at bedtime, but not too bad.

[Hudgens]

Last 2 days pretty good. Sleeping better and some anxiety but good overall at end of 3 weeks since last drop. Woke up last night after one hr sleep confused for a few minutes-sort of half awake/half asleep (dreaming). That hasn't happened for a long while.

[Lexy]

Hudgens, 

Do you take magnesium?  That helps a little with the anxiety.  

Maybe some calming tea before bedtime too.

[Hudgens]

You know, that's very nice of you to make these suggestions. Thanks. 

I've been sleeping just a little better the last few days, and the 3-4 hours a night have been continous sleep.

The anxiety hasn't been anything I can't live with.

Some of the good old flu-like symptoms last couple of days, each time for a few hours in the afternoon. Also, pretty manageable. 

Missed a few days of entries because nothing was changing and so the reports were getting kind of monotinous.

 

A recently mentioned a younger brother who was having some anxiety problems. He's seeing a therapist now and wouldn't think of  

going the antidepressant route. His symptoms are exactly the kind (moderate) that get people started out on this merry-go-round we temporarily find ourselves on.

 

Isn't great to think that things may be changing for the better. If the public is beginning to get a clearer picture about these drugs, maybe some day the Dr.s and other medical proffesionals will also wise up. In the mean time, my brother, who could've easily become another casualty, has most likely spared himself untold suffering-he'll never know how much-but being unaquainted with that particular Hell is of course a very good thing.

[Lexy]

Yes you have saved brother's life living through hell on these meds.

Good for you.

[Hudgens]

Still doing very well, 26 days since last drop. Not really sleeping more hrs but better because all in a row. 4 hrs a night. The exhaustion is gone for last 5 days or so. Great, I was getting very tired off it.

 

 

 

(Yes, that was a joke.)