success ☼ Hudgens's story

[Hudgens]

Less sleep again, but a good day.

[Rhiannon]

Hudgens, thank you for keeping this journal. I think it's very helpful and encouraging for people to see and hear how the process goes.

 

Given the insomnia, have you thought about trying to cut back the caffeine? Alto says caffeine has a really long half life. I know I'm super sensitive to it, as far as sleep goes. Maybe half decaf? You have probably already tried this, but I thought I'd suggest it just in case.

[Hudgens]

I've tappered coffee sevral times, but always go back to one cup of instant in the morning.  I was off both times for several months, but it didn't seem to effect the insomnia, so I concluded that the insomnia is due to withdrawal. This makes sense since it started at the same time as the withdrawal symptoms.

Yesterday I went to a book store and had a small cappuccino at 5pm, but  slept like a baby last night. And you can believe me, If I'd gone off of coffee and found that my sleep had improved I would never have touched the stuff again.

[Hudgens]

Got between 6-7 hours last night. Felt very good all day. 9 more days until ending dose, if all holds steady.

[Hudgens]

Only about 4 hrs last night with some anxiety in early evening. Still on track.

[alex]

Hi there Benz;when you talk about 4 hrs of sleep, you mean 4 hrs straight without waking up?

[Hudgens]

No, added up altogether. I've never slept straight through the night, even before antidepressants.

[Hudgens]

Exercised and ate right for the first time in several weeks. Got a lot done today, feeling pretty good lately.

 

There was some dividing line, I couldn't say where, when I began thinking of myself as a normal person with occaisional problems (withdrawal symptoms), rather than as someone sufferring a protracted illness. There was some tipping point, funny I can't say exactly when. The only remaining symptom that can begin to make me feel like my old sick self is the insomnia, and even that has to get pretty extreme, say 3 days of 1-2 hrs., which doesn't happen very often. It will be the last symptom to go.  

[mammaP]

Hi Hudgens, it's great you are feeling so good and getting your life back.  

I'm really pleased for you,  Are you off altogether yet or still on some effexor?

I think I'm going to struggle with the last .5 . Sorry just noticed you are on .06.

the decimal point has me confused sometimes! I'm on about half a mg, you

must be much less than that! 

[mammaP]

Just went back to your first post and see that you have been tapering from less

than a milligram for a year!  I've followed your progress but couldn't remember the numbers.

I'm really pleased for you and you've given me renewed hope!  

[Hudgens]

Yeah, I'm at about one half of one tenth of a mg. I'm going to probably make one more drop in one week. Then if all goes well, I'll stay on that for a month and a half before finally going post taper. There's some possibility of a truely micro dose after the next drop, but I haven't decided yet. I always hoped there was a small enough amount where the body didn't recognize that I was still taking the effexor-in other words, an amount so small that I was effectively off of the drug. Their doesn't seem to be an such amount. I still feel each drop in dosage to some extent. Such a powerful drug. Hard to believe I used to take 75 mgs of this stuff, and for years. It changed my personallity in ways I didn't like at all-although wasn't aware of it at the time. And all of this for something I could have taken care of with the proper therapy. I'm so happy now, though, that all that doesn't bother me much.

 

By the way, as I've said before, there's more than hope.

[Hudgens]

Only one hours sleep last night, but strangely enough didn't really feel it today. I think I yawned once. 7 days until next drop-if I don't suddenly go into a wave during that time, I'll be starting my last 1 1/2 - 2 months on Effexor. It's been a long haul from November 2010. Beginning to feel as though my heads is on straight again-maybe for the first time since I don't really remember being too emotionally stable even before antidepressants. I guess that's an important point-the antidepressants got rid of my anxiety, but they did not stabalize things for me emotionally. In fact I'm sure they made things worse in that regard. I did and said things that, looking back now, I'm ashamed of. I was a different person for 20 years. To go another 20 like that seems unthinkable to me. So much so that, even if I have a very rough post taper-even if I never fully get clear of withdrawal symptoms-I will never go back to another antidepressant or tranquilizer of any sort. Right now I'm feeling pretty good. Not looking forward to my new life since it's already underway.  

[Hudgens]

Got an unheard of full night's sleep last night! Felt great until around 7  PM when anxiety started coming on. It's abated somewhat (9:48). Well I'm eating better again and losing a little weight because of it.

[alex]

GOOD!

I am slowly improving my sleep also

And absolutely drug free!!

[Lexy]

Are you using the liquid? How do you get .06mg?

[Hudgens]

Lexy, you forgot that I explained all that to you in this thread on January 27th. Ha-ha, but don't worry-my memory is shot too,

it's all part of the wonderful world of withdrawal.  

 

Not much sleep and anxiety all day with a sort of almost overwhelming exhausted feeling. But Got through the day and was away from home for most of it, so, I mean, I couldn't even lay down for a nap.  

Don't know what's up, maybe a wave. Feeling better and kind of relaxed right now at bedtime, may have to wait a little longer for the next drop. Whatever's necessary of course, especially at this late date.

[Altostrata]

Thanks for this description of your tapering process, Hudgens.

Well, at least you know that the chest pain is acid reflux.
Fortunately I had no trouble switching from XR to generic Effexor.

I'd stay on the generic, your symptoms are probably withdrawal. Counting beads, you can obviously only go down to 1 bead before getting off. But 1 bead can be as much as 1/4 mg. With generic you can go down much further and therefore have a potentially much softer landing, especially if you make your own liquid. Unfortunately I reacted badly to the liquid, but have done fine so far with my own method of "erasing"
the pill on sandpaper, then using a sort of callipers to measure the dose each time. More recently, the dose has gotten so miniscule, though, I've just had to crush the pill into powder and measure each dose by eye. I keep a standard (plus a back up standard) which I use each time for a month and a half to two months. I occaisionally check to see about how much I'm taking by crushing half a generic and dividing that pile in half, then that one in half, again and again until I get to what looks to be my current ammount. Sounds like an inaccurate way of measuring all round, but I get pretty consistent results. Anyway, I think I'll be able to see when the ammount is so small that I can probably do without the drug anymore. The ammount I'm at now is much smaller than the smallest bead I can find in any capsule of my old XR prescription. The next drop or two, I'll be able to literally count the grains of the powder, and I can't imagine I'll need to go any lower than that.

By the way, I've gone through the headaches and the virtigo and 50 other withdrawal symptoms, and just when I think I've had them all, a brand new one pops up. The nervous system is infinitely creative it seems.

BUT things do get better. I went through the "will I ever feel normal again" thing and now I feel normal again. Even with the occaisonal withdrawal symptom, I feel normal--my old self--most of the time and am fully functional in every day terms. In an important way I feel as though I'm already through the ordeal-even though reason tells me I'm not. Fortunately how you feel is everything, both good and bad, when going through this very unique experience.

There isn't anyone who cannot get through this. You will get through this. I was an utter mess, and now I'm not.

[Hudgens]

Last night was second in a row of maybe 3 hours, but I really dragged through the day. Took a couple of naps and feeling better at bedtime, really exhausted though. I worry when I get so tired my speech is affected. As bad as the insomnia has been for the last 15 months, it's never bothered me for some lucky reason, until now that is. May have to hold a little longer than I'd planned.

[bubble]

Hi Hudgens,

 

I've been reading your posts over the last 2 months and learnt a lot. Totally admire your patience of 3 years!

 

I also very much liked how you describe the way ADs had been affecting your personality. Also very happy to read of improved working ability. It gives hope as MammaP said.

 

And that discipline many people struggle with so badly:not pushing the taper.

 

I hope this wave passes soon and will continue following your progress.

 

Best,

bubble

[Hudgens]

Thank you. I slept much better last night, but although feeling better rested, I had a kind of mildly crumby feeling most of the day. Still, got some good work done and went out to dinner with the family.

[mammaP]

Glad you had a good day and a good nights sleep, it's great news 

[Hudgens]

2 not so good night's, 3-4 hours sleep each. A mild wave but a wave all the same. mild anxiety sort of in the background all day. Mood a little low, too.  A month and a half at current dose, will have to stay put for a while, until things settle down again. Have cut caffine intake in half with a view to cutting it out completely over the next week and a half.

[Hudgens]

A 3rd not so good sleep (3-4hrs) in a row. Rough beginning of the day, but felt better in early afternoon-some kind of second wind-or maybe I slept better than I thought. Anyway still feeling OK at bedtime, though pretty tired. No other withdrawal symptoms. I don't no why the insomnia is getting to me these last 2-3 weeks when it's been like this for over a year without ever dragging me down so much. But there it is. I know it's just withdrawal that's causing it since things like blackout curtains and ear plugs don't seem to make a difference. Mindfulness meditation doesn't seem to help with the insomnia either, but it does keep me calm (less anxiuos) throughout the whole recent ordeal. I think I'll get through it all right.

[Hudgens]

Slept about 5-6 hours last night and immediately feel much better. 4 hours straight through at beginning of night and 2 hours later on. No anxiety or other withdrawal symptoms during the night or this morning, none to speak of yesterday. The pattern for the last two weeks seems to be 2-3 nights of 2-3 hours a night followed by 1 good night of 5-6 hours. Have cut coffee drastically last 3 days. Advil helps with that. I also took 2 Advil before turning in last night, but I'm not sure if that contributed to the better night's sleep. Not even exactly sure why I took it. 

[Hudgens]

Had a good day, no withdrawal symptoms at all.

[alex]

That is very good Benz.

Give it some time and your sleep issues will get better.

[Hudgens]

I know, thanks.

 

Last night just before falling to sleep I got about 4 minutes of virtigo, unexpected-I was feeling very good and relaxed immediately before that. Right after that, during a bathroom trip, 

I suddenly started shaking with cold. I've had this sudden cold sensitivity before, 7 or 8 times during the past year. It strikes out of the blue and in about 10 seconds. The cold feeling is very intense-and it seems as though I'll shake myself to pieces. (I've done some winter camping but I don't ever remember feeling this cold.) Still, jumping back under the covers relieves the symptom very quickly-5 minutes later I'm OK again. Neither the virtigo or the cold sensitivity leads to any kind of anxiety or panic, I guess this is because I know they only last for a short time and then I'm feeling fine again. 

 

Must have slept OK after that because I felt pretty good today. Another day of no withdrawal symptoms, with the one exception of some late afternoon-early evening irritability. But even that was fairly mild this time.

 

So it seems as though things may be setteling down again.

[mammaP]

When I saw that you had the vertigo and shivers I felt for you because I thought you were heading 

for a wave. I'm so glad it didn't last and you had a good sleep! 

[Hudgens]

4 hrs last night. Again no withdrawal symptoms during the day.

[Hudgens]

Another good day. 

[Hudgens]

Last night I had something close to a normal night's sleep, 5-6 hours. My mood was good all day. I've begun to notice a little twinge at the top of my nose, once every 15 mins or so. Probably from stress or the chronic insomnia. Of course it could simply be from withdrawal, too. No other symptoms today. Have to start thinking about that final drop if the next few days remain uneventful. March 13th will be 2 months since the last.

[Hudgens]

Very little sleep, maybe 45 mins, last night. Still, didn't feel too bad today. nose twinge not quite as bad today-once or twice an hour.

[Hudgens]

Slept much better last night, 5 hours I think. Noticed my thinking isn't so sharp lately and I have some trouble speaking or pronouncing some words. Sounds bad, but I think I'm just tired out from months and months of inadaquate sleep. Not a good situation, but I know I'll get through it. No other withdrawal symptoms-except for the nose twinge which seems to be better, anyway. My mood is good. If I sleep fairly well tonight I may make the drop tomorrow.  

[Hudgens]

Made a drop to about .04 mgs. Didn't really sleep well last night, but with the complete absense of any other withdrawal symptom I decided to make this, probably final, drop. So it's possible I could be done with taperring April 20th. 

[alex]

That is so good Benz!

Drug free...heroic....as simple as that.

[Lexy]

Wow

Good Job!!!