☼ Cookson: citalopram cold turkey - help a kind sir in his hour of need!

[Cookson]

Alex suggested It

Because of its sedative properties for people like me who cant sleep at night.

 

Not a day goes by where I fill myself with hateful regret of taking citalopram.

Wish I never touched those evil psychotropic drugs!  

Am terrified of biological scaring and the whole healing process of the nervous system re-wiring itself can take a long time! 

 

I often escape the reality of the present and fantasise in my mind of how things used to be before citalopram. 

 

I know I ask a lot of questions and vent on here but their is no one else I can relate to. My family and friends have no idea what I'm on about and neither does my doctor!

[Altostrata]

NO -- the supplement we recommend is MAGNESIUM, not manganese. I don't think taking a manganese supplement will help anything, and may not be good for you.

 

http://umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/supplement/manganese

 

Dr. Weil http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/QAA400665/Maxing-Out-On-Manganese.html

 

I know of no reason for humans to take supplemental manganese. In addition to the amounts you get in foods, most multi-vitamin/mineral supplements provide some of this mineral, about 2 mg on average. Manganese deficiency is so rare that no recommended dietary allowance has been established for it. We simply don't know how much is needed for optimum health, and there could be a downside to taking too much.

alexejice has complex health issues that require very specialized care. They most likely do not apply to you.

[Cookson]

That resounding ‘no’ and the red fluorescent writing is both demonising and frightening!

 

Will cease consumption immediately!

[Cookson]

Learnt a way word today. Anhedonia.

 

Anhedonia- 'defined as the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions'

This is a post of how I described It on the forum earlier today.

 

'Anhedonia? So there is actually a name for it? After being left prostrate from the destruction of your own emotions that is the word to describe this miserable state.

It just simply isn't natural this existence. It hurts but I can never show, If only if people could see how lonely and how cold. Numb is what I've become'

 

Numb, and frost bitten riddled with It at that.

 

I used to live life in the fast lane, could never brake my stride the momentum never slow and now I've lost everything. 

 

And I just cant keep living this way.

 

I want back that feeling when I'm in my local ring spitting blood and disorientated and tired and still have the sprit, the burning fire inside to get back up. And still fight while I can fight. 

 

I want back that magical feeling of passion I had with my ex walking through the woods in autumn playing in the leaves. I miss being in true love. Nothing more, nothing less love is the best.

 

I just feel cheated in a way, life has been difficult for me and I have bounced every time stronger dragging my self through the slime and the mud every time but now my sprit has been relinquished. All I ever was swept away. All my trial and tribulations for nothing.

 

Truth is people watch and stare, Not as if anyone really cares.

[Cookson]

This is the last time I will be logging into the forum.

 

I've run myself out and I just feel left in the dark on here. The amount of people that just lurk, almost gloating over my misery and I find it insulting that the majority of people who are educated do not encourage peoples own personal journey and recovery. people Like me want a shining example to look up to that things will get better.

 

Although now I know it is just simply that on conscious or sub-liminal people retract themselves just retract themselves from their own suffering and other people alike. Because they themselves have changed forever.

Not until they go through true acceptance at least, and have the courage in them to admit that something's wrong and face reality instead of living a lie.

 

The night is darkest before the dawn, What people need to realise is the dawn isn't coming. 

 

And looking at the grander scheme of things. Even just doing a little research on psychiatry-The FDA caught in bed with Big Pharma.

The aggressive screening of children for 'mental disorders' 

That 40% of children in orphanages on a cocktail of drugs.

That 50% of the population of America qualify for a 'mental disorder' that 'must' be treated.

The mass shootings and the suicides.

 

Profits aren't even the main prerogative. Its about social control. 

 

Funny world we live in.

[Altostrata]

Cookson, no one is gloating over your misery! Rather, I'm sure they are feeling great sympathy. Most likely, they don't know what to say.

 

Most of us are aware that we have been injured by an industry seeking nothing but profit.

 

You are always welcome here.

[Petunia]

Hi Cookson,

I'm so sorry you are feeling run out and left alone in the dark.  I have to admit, that these last few days, I've been doing much more reading than posting, but its got nothing to do with gloating.

 

I've been having such a terribly difficult time myself and its as much as I can do to keep myself sane and functioning, let alone write anything to help anyone else.  Reading how other people are doing, good or bad, lessens my feelings of being alone and keeps me alive and hopefully pulls me out of this bad patch so that I can contribute more.

 

I think there are a lot of people who are going through very difficult withdrawal and just are not able to post, for whatever reason, not everyone can comfortably communicate through writing anyway.

 

Maybe you do need to take a break from the board, have you spent much time reading other peoples stories, sometimes that can provide some hope and comfort when you are feeling drained.

 

I'm also angry, upset and completely shocked by all the things you wrote about psychiatry and big pharma.  This experience of medication withdrawal has taken me on a very difficult journey of having my eyes opened up about the way the world really works.  I now know things I never wanted to know.  I got dragged way down deep into the conspiracy theory rabbit hole and I'm still trying to clamor my way back out.  I question everything now and find it hard to trust anything I read.... anywhere.  Its exhausting and a very frightening way to live, feeling like you can't trust anyone to have honest motives, especially people we depend on to keep us safe and healthy, people we previously believed had our best interests at heart.

 

This is such a difficult journey, we are being forced to grow up, see the world for what it really is, take responsibility for our own decisions based on our own inner knowing,  and at a time when we are feeling so unwell, helpless and vulnerable.

 

When I read how upset other people are about what they have recently learned, its like another little part of my soul dies, because its true and another person had to see a painful truth and have a part of their soul die and there's nothing I can do because reality can be painful, we all have to try and keep going and become stronger so that we can deal with the weight of seeing more truth than we ever wanted to.... and maybe, when we recover, we can possibly do more.

 

You are not alone Cookson, I know it feels that way, I think all these dark feelings are just part of the withdrawal process.

 

Don't let your withdrawal effected mind trick you into believing there is no dawn.

 

I hope what I have written makes sense,  I'm struggling to write today.

 

Petu.

[Cookson]

Hey people I'm back.

 

And now I'm back I promise to never go back on that promise.

I've just been taking time to take a step back and look at life, And I know it sounds like I've been moaning and complaining but life just keeps complicating.

I'm turning myself around and forcing myself into new patterns, new routines.

I'm standing up going to push on through and put my life back together right now. 

I'm married to myself, I'm committed for better or worse! 

 

Been going for walks in my nearby woodlands the last few days. I've been dizzy and exhausted but I'm forcing myself. The season is changing here now to autumn, Leaves turning brown skies are grey. 

Something of a tranquil beauty of walking in the woodland. Being so close with nature, Just feels so right.

Walked up to the top of the hill where a church is and just took in the views of the fantastic landscape rolling out in front of me. Very therapeutic, and encouraged self-mediation with in turn made me have a more positive outlook on things. 

 

I suppose now I realise with the blunting of my emotions I have to force myself to 'feel' that zest I had for life again In order for me to recover. I purposely forced myself to take an active interest in the brilliance of nature on my walk that surrounded me to pry myself open of the desire and passion for life and all things that was once their. I'm truly faking it till I make It until I rediscover myself. My emotional attachments and love for things In my life I'm actively thinking over and attempting to feel them again. 

Doesn't matter how far you've spiralled down, Just have to expose yourself to any visual or auditory stimuli that you can feel and just hold onto that feeling!, Anything that you have an emotional relationship with and raises your mood-even if only very slightly!

Just remember that feeling, and try to reinforce it so you can feel It In every bone in your body. Enforce and re-program your neural pathways back to normality!

 

I hope so Alto-and thank you.

 

Thank you for that post Petu. This quote you made stood out.

 

'This is such a difficult journey, we are being forced to grow up, see the world for what it really is, take responsibility for our own decisions based on our own inner knowing,  and at a time when we are feeling so unwell, helpless and vulnerable'

 

We will all get through this eventually. We our all walking down the same road.

 

Much love to everyone

[Cookson]

All over body spasm. Had no idea what had happened until I heard my sister screaming at me.

 

Have felt so dizzy and sick all day :/

I mean my friend not my sister, Not sure what I was thinking when I wrote that :/

[Trying]

Welcome back......

 

Didn,t replay to your post earlyer cause i,am new here to,

just wanna say, loved your last post about walking and turning your mind around, it brought tears to my eyes.....

 

Sorry if my english is not correct, but i,am dutch  and doing the best i can.....

I,am sorry you are going tru al of this, it,s hard and i know...but love the way you think....

It,s all about beating the beast, i,am trying so hard.....

 

I wish you al the best, you have a great personality.....

x

Sandra.

[Kachna]

Hi Cookson, good to have you back. I have been reading your posts. Since i am still struggling with withdrawal and health issues, i do not post much. We will all go through this and it will be over sooner than we think. I have doubts almost every day , when i have shivers, nerve sensations , dizziness. It is such shite. When my window is open i am enjoying it to bits, just the feeling of it. Waves sometimes end up wit Lorazepam - i need to accept it for now - it is hard sometimes.It will be over. Take care

[Cookson]

Hello people, been a while-hope you restrained yourselves from missing me too much I know how difficult It must be believe me

 

Thank you for all the kind comments and reassurance.

 

Good news somewhat, Have been experiencing anxiety today! The same insufferable, heart pounding, mind racing anxiety that I was experiencing before I touched anti depressants.

And I'm relishing In this feeling! Just being able to 'feel'!

 

Been off anti depressants for over 11 weeks now! And am coming to appreciate why by withdrawal has been so prolonged- Just thinking about It I've done psychoactive drugs on 5 different occasions during withdrawal.

 

I know, how careless and inconsiderate to my own health! I deserve a virtual slap on the wrist from a moderator and be labelled as a dysfunctional petulant junkie commoner! Please judge me for my ill tempered behaviour and mildly sinister motives! 

 

Much love

[Narcissus]

Been off anti depressants for over 11 weeks now! And am coming to appreciate why by withdrawal has been so prolonged- Just thinking about It I've done psychoactive drugs on 5 different occasions during withdrawal.

 

I'm guilty of this as well, and I'm sure that it's one of the reasons my withdrawal has been as bad as it has.  Needless to say, no judgements from my camp.I'm glad you're enjoying your anxiety 

[Altostrata]

Dysfunctional petulant junkie commoners! Both of you!

[Rhiannon]

Snort! HA

[Cookson]

Comforting I'm not the only one who's been branded haha.

 

Snort! HA

 

Yes Rhi, That is one of the methods of self administering, typically of a powder like concentrate. I think you will find the technical term is intra nasal inhalation

 

Yes unfortunately the very thing that I love is wreaking me now more then ever so will never be touching It again.  

I've veered myself off the path of self destruction that I was taking myself after the self revelation I had and am recovering, rebuilding myself. Satisfying my mind, body and soul. Not looking back only forward.

After all I've accepted its no ones fault but my own, the path I've chosen to go. I'm backed against a wall and with what's at stake Ill do whatever It takes to get better.

Found out one of my close friends was on the anti depressants as well, Nice to know that theirs another one of us walking down the same road.

 

Work seems to be picking up-My mind is clearer now and my mental sharpness espially when talking to people is coming back, Just my memory seems a bit patchy when trying to recall certain things. I'm also excessively sleeping and eating!

[Narcissus]

Dysfunctional petulant junkie commoners! Both of you!

 

   

[Cookson]

Really unpleasant experience yesterday-Went for a beer with my mates last night and after a moderate amount of alcohol felt really dizzy and sick so had to call It a night early! Wouldn't have thought a drug like alcohol would have such a negative impact on my recovering nervous system...

[mammaP]

Hi Cookson, alcohol isn't always tolerated very well in withdrawal. A quarter of wine gums and I'm  drunk as a skunk 

 

I just can't tolerate it these days and enjoy elderflower juice or lemon and ginger instead , don't think you can get 

those down the pub though!

[Narcissus]

I'm not able to drink either, haven't been since withdrawal started in earnest.  

[Cookson]

Yes unfortunately I will be condemned to drinking cranberry juice with a slice of lime for the foreseeable future... I miss the days of my heavy drinking with the justification that I was an experienced connoisseur

 

Had my first CBT group session today. Am kind of disappointed

I can see the practical application and the behavioural programing involved to alter the way we think and react to things but it wasn't what I expected and hoped for. 

I was expecting engaging psychotherapies looking into the persons condition and situation that is unique to them. It just felt very overgeneralised and oversimplified; not addressing the root cause of each individual's problem.

Still early days I suppose... Be interesting to hear anyone else's experience of CBT therapy?  

 

I've been craving the drugs quite a lot. Just having me back momentarily and escaping my withdrawal nightmare allowing me to dissociate from it almost entirely, But I stand by what I said in my promise and I'm never going lose that battle again. My body pays the price after the repercussions of taking it, I'm the one suffering, I'm the victim.

Having a lot of self pity for taking drugs in the first place while going through withdrawal when my body's in a sensitive state. Really stupid and irresponsible of me... I was just completely beyond the point of caring. I should have had more respect for myself and realise that I'm better then that. But then hands up everyone who has screwed up in their life at some point?

As long as I'm okay and the worlds okay I'm going to be alright!

[Petunia]

I'm another one who can no longer drink

 

I was expecting engaging psychotherapies looking into the persons condition and situation that is unique to them. It just felt very overgeneralised and oversimplified; not addressing the root cause of each individual's problem.

Still early days I suppose... Be interesting to hear anyone else's experience of CBT therapy?  

 

 

I've done a lot of CBT in group settings.  I remember that the first few sessions were often not particularly engaging, but it does get better. If what you are doing is similar to my experiences, you will learn various techniques which you can then apply to your own personal history and situation as 'homework'.

 

From my experience, CBT is not particularly helpful for actual physical withdrawal symptoms caused by coming off medication, but its very good for reducing psychological anxiety which comes from our early conditioning, beliefs and habitual behaviors.

 

Doing it in a group setting has its advantages because you find out that other people are having very similar problems caused by the same kinds of faulty beliefs, so it adds a sense of validation.

 

Thanks for keeping us updated.

[Cookson]

Not a good day today. Have been so depressed didn't even make It to work today. And I've never had the black clouds follow me around this bad.

I just want my life back. I just want the passion I had for the present, past accomplishments and the desire for future ones. Feels like I'm on a ship sinking and I'm drowning at sea.

Though I try to keep myself thinking positive, That the seemingly permanent change in my conscious is reversible. I'm never losing hope, Though honest I could do with a few rays of that. Whatever angelic divine entity that encompasses the sky please enlighten me...

 

Buts its not all doom and gloom gladly. I get random periods throughout the day where my mood will fluctuate and Ill feel faintly how I used to be a for a little while. Like the light I've been searching for begins to seep through. It isn't much buts its enough to make me think that who I was before Citalopram is salvageable.

I'm filled with questions that torment me of every waking hour revolving around the thought patterns of shoulda, woulda, coulda. 

Why couldn't I be more responsible and independent over my life? I should be progressing into adulthood better then I have done... I should have never have taken those dam tablets... And what was I thinking going down the road of self destruction taking drugs during my withdrawal.  

[Cookson]

I haven't been able to sleep for the last 48 hours. I haven't been able to sleep since Wednesday after a stressful domestic at home. I have been calm since then but I just don't feel physically tired at all. I've never had insomnia in my life before this!

I have also completely lost my appetite, and this may sound odd but If I'm exposed to any kind of cold at all I shiver horrendously, More like involuntary shakes to be honest.

I am going doctors today, any advice would be great

[Cookson]

Okay, have been give a prescription of diazepam to help me sleep. Has anyone had any help from this?

[dunerbug]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I haven't had any experience with diazepam other than giving it to my cat. 

 

I hope that you are able to sleep soon.

[Cookson]

Thank you

 

I just cant comprehend how im not tired after being awake for three nights now. No physical symptons of exhaustion, however my mental health is detorateing. Very percular and fasenating really. But then in contrast im concerned and frieghtend for my furture.

Ive just had my dinner, will be attempting an early night-dependent whether i sleep of course so will be takeing the sleeping tablet shortly before bed

[mammaP]

Hi Cookson, sorry you are feeling bad. I often get nights when I don't get any sleep, sometimes 3 or 4 in a row and it is exhausting.

I usually stay up all night when I feel like enough is enough. Sounds daft but after my self imposed sleep deprivation I can go to bed early, usually because my eyes won't stay open, the get some much needed sleep. I am a very poor sleeper anyway but do manage to get 2-3 hours. When even that stops it's horrid! 

 

Be careful with diazepam, it's a form of valium which is highly addictive and could also have some side effects that are worsened by

withdrawal. Hope you can get a good nights sleep tonight and feel better tomorrow. Night night, sleep tight. 

[Jemima]

Beware of diazepam.  It's also known as Valium, a highly addictive benzodiazepam, and the benzos seem to be even harder to get off of than antidepressants. It's best not to take them every night but skip a day or more in between.

 

There are a number of articles about sleeping problems here:

 

Important Topics About Symptoms, Including Sleep Problems

 

The thing that helped me the most was making the bedroom as dark as possible and wearing a sleep mask.

 

Insomnia is a very common symptom in early antidepressant withdrawal.  It does eventually go away, so don't be overly worried.

[Rhiannon]

Actually since Valium has active metabolites, skipping a night or two won't keep you from developing dependence. With Valium I would try not to take it more than twice a week and even then you could develop mild addiction which would eventually require a taper.  

 

Also you will develop tolerance to the drug, meaning that if you take it regularly it will lose its effect and you'll just be taking it to prevent withdrawal, not so much for its sleep-inducing effects.

 

However, you may feel that's a price worth paying for some relief now. I could certainly understand that.  Just be aware that you will need to taper slowly off Valium eventually too, don't try to stop it suddenly. And if I were you I would definitely go with the lowest possible dose.

[Cookson]

Thank you for your comments-Am strugling to to think clearly at the moment will update thistomorow

[Cookson]

Is 5mg a hiigh dose

[Rhiannon]

Cookson you can probably split the 5 mg into 2.5, or you can get the 2 mg pills. 2 mg is the smallest it comes in. I would try splitting the 5 at first and see how you do.

 

Also, diazepam breaks down in the body into other chemicals which are also active benzodiazepines, and then those slowly leave the body over a period of about three days.  If you continue taking diazepam during those three days, they build up and take longer to leave the body.

 

I personally find that the breakdown products are more sedative than the diazepam itself so I actually get sleepier not the day I take the diazepam but a day or two later.

 

As Jemima says, insomnia is a normal symptom of withdrawal and it will eventually go away.

[Meimeiquest]

I have to say 3 nights without sleep and losing contact with reality is a very dangerous and vulnerable situation.

[Rhiannon]

Yes, I agree.  I read an interview with Will Hall where he said that the number one reason people trying to get off meds or trying to stay off them in withdrawal, will take a med anyway, is insomnia. I know it's the worst thing for me when it happens. I can get by with six hours for a night or two in a row but no sleep at all is just intolerable.

[Meimeiquest]

.a family dispute with a total loss of need to sleep is, to me, a completely different matter.