☼ Cookson: citalopram cold turkey - help a kind sir in his hour of need!

[Cookson]

Thanks for the feedback and links to articles.

 

I took the diazepam around 9pm last night intending to go to bed for 10pm. 

 

Within half an hour I was crying my eyes out about everything, Just felt really emotional  I managed to get to sleep for about 10. But not because I felt tired, more because my body and mind felt relaxed enough so I could usher myself into sleep if that makes any sense? Just sleeping didn't feel like a physical necessity, I just felt sedated enough to drift off.

 

I slept okay, about 10 hours would liked to have slept longer although I kept going into that lighter sleep of being half awake dreaming which isn't exactly restful.  

[Meimeiquest]

I'm just glad you are doing okay! And I hope you can get some good sleep soon.

[Cookson]

Thanks meim

 

Am getting some help for my drug addiction now. Though its been its been over two weeks since i have taken anything I fear of relapse and in fact lets be honest I would have been long recovered by now if it had not been for this

[Meimeiquest]

Yay for you!

[Cookson]

Have been taking the sleeping tablet once every three days as have found It to be sleep inducing the subsequent next few days thereafter and I don't want to be developing a dependency taking it everyday.

 

Went to the gym and attempted to hit the weights though had to stop myself after some unusual pains and that I was generally exhausted for the most part. 

I feel trapped really, emotionally and cognitively like I'm under ice. My life's come to a standstill in aspects of my social life and all my pleasure inducing activities and hobbies. My life revolves entirely around working. 

[Cookson]

And its Friday, but I'm not out. I'm tired of this emotional numbness.

Feels like ice in my veins and theirs a hole in my heart, a cold wind that just keeps on blowing keeping me detached. I'm here forever dreaming of changing places.

[Petunia]

..... I'm here forever dreaming of changing places.

 

Moving house?  Becoming someone else?

 

..... wondering what you meant with this phrase.

 

...... I'm sorry you are still going through this.  I know how difficult it is to be young, or even not so young, and at home on a Friday or Saturday night, when it seems like the rest of the world is out having fun.

 

But its not going to be like this for ever, this will pass and your life will be good again.

 

Withdrawal from these meds can be brutal, and it has a way of making every moment seem like an eternity, but its not, it just feels that way.

 

Its good you are getting some sleep.  Maybe keep going to the gym, but just do a reduced workout until you are feeling better, or try a class or swim or do something different from what you usually do.

[Cookson]

Yeah being someone else!

 

Thanks for the support Petu, Hope things are okay with you!

[Cookson]

Not been a great day today, Have been filled with infuriating anger the entire time. Been pissed about everything the entire time and frustrated. Thinking of hitting the gym to release some aggression before I end up murdering someone !! Grrr !!

[Cookson]

Cant tell if l'm coming or going at the moement. Never experianced such strong emotions in my life the last few days with peroids pf intense exicitement, anger and at the moement really depressed.

Completely nuts this

[btdt]

Cant tell if l'm coming or going at the moement. Never experianced such strong emotions in my life the last few days with peroids pf intense exicitement, anger and at the moement really depressed.Completely nuts this

How are you?  

Any ground under you feet yet?

[Cookson]

Been a while since Ive posted on here, and to be perfectly honest Its embrassing reading what Ive wrote after all this time. I certainely wasn't all there with myself.

 

Things have been OK. I have been seeing an acupuntureist who has great knowledge of drug withdrawl and has treated many pateints.

She addmitted that the damage to my nervous system is moderate but with how I've been improveing and my age she estimates that the damage is revesible. Althogh she thinks it will take more then a year from now.

 

In terms of my symptons, my sleeping has vastly improved. I can fall asleep quite easily as long as I'm not stressed and have a clear head. Besides this, although I have seen improvements I am still experiancing a lack of empathy in life-a disconnection to life in general and a constant restlesiness. Like I can't relax. these symptons are amlplified when I'm tired-to the point where I feel as if I'm completeing disconnected from my own body.

 

Although this can all be quite tempremental, some weeks are better then others.

 

A constant, lonely emptiness still persists in my spriet. I'm just doing my best to keep a positive frame of mind taking it day by day. The night is darkest before the dawn, but the dawn is coming, for all of us

[mammaP]

Hi Cookson, it was lovely to come in this morning and see your post. I'm glad that you are 

getting better  and I'm certain that you will go from strength to strength now.  

 

I think that reading through old posts, diaries, journals etc is good because often we don't 

realise how far we have come until we read how it was before! I found some very old diaries

recently and it actually made me cry seeing how bad I was when I was in and out of the hospital.

It also tells us that things do change, nothing stays the same and there is hope for everyone. 

 

Thank you for updating us, 

[Altostrata]

Cookson, if you can recommend the acupuncturist, please send me her contact information and I'll add her to our list http://tinyurl.com/7cp8l8v

[Patoski]

Oh, I meant why did you decide to take manganese?

[mammaP]

How are things Cookson? Hope you are doing well and enjoying life. 

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

 

☼

 

to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[Cookson]

Unbelievable, no words of friendly advice or encouragement, or morale support/Sucide watch for that matter! No one bothers to write, or call. Not even make love to me after a candle lit dinner flatout refusing drawing the line with kissing and cuddling. I'm a man of many faults but I have my limitations. I'm only flesh and blood I have instincts!

 

Haha. How are we all? The time just seems to fly by. To be perfectly honest I am embarrassed to associate myself with my writings, I was in a tough place and wasn't sure where I was.

 

I will be posting again more frequently on here to detail my life now and the progress to some extent I have made. I have a deep affection for all the people here who I can truly relate too. It's hard at times, I feel so alone with thoughts of self loathing and a crushing emptiness.

 

So, risk assessment. Prolonged withdrawl has been upon me for about 1.5 years. Things change but in general brain fog, insomnia, morning anxiety, fatigue, out of it sensation, dulling of emotions and other ailments internal and parts external. Ahem. Choosing not to be specific, not insinuating anything. That's not a suggestion to use your imagination either. It works okay, that's the main thing (just about with enough encouragement) Can't imagine going to my doctor about this. 'Unfortunately hate to say it but this is classic depression. 'It's not a weakness of character' well it is really. Haha.

But seriously, I would really like a buddy that I can track my recovery with and be able to talk to on messanager or something. Or email?

Thank you for reading

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you, cookson.

 

You might find a phone buddy here Great Britain members, please check in here

[coldturkmama]

lol love the way you write...hilarious.

I'm 17 months out from a cold turkey, we've got something in common.

[Cookson]

I'll drop you a pm a bit later

[Cookson]

I'm just intrested, does anyone even bother to explain and educate your family or friends on withdrawl? Too many it seems to be an intangible concept, questing the validity of it putting it down to purely psychological manifestations. They just don't understand it. I Have no reasonable mobility currently to 'think' myself out of it which they do not appreaciate.

ironically I wish they were right and it all truly is 'in my head'

[coldturkmama]

only my husband, mom & very best friend really knows....otherwise, completely pointless to try and explain. People judge what they don't understand.

[clearday]

I'm just intrested, does anyone even bother to explain and educate your family or friends on withdrawl? Too many it seems to be an intangible concept, questing the validity of it putting it down to purely psychological manifestations. They just don't understand it. I Have no reasonable mobility currently to 'think' myself out of it which they do not appreaciate.

ironically I wish they were right and it all truly is 'in my head'

 

I've been pretty lucky, most relatives and friends absorb my withdrawal story as a cautionary tale. My story has validated a few of them who were wary to take psych meds all their life, afraid of going with the SSRI fad to use these strong drugs to alter their brains in an attempt to make life easier.

 

Only one relative of mine refuses to talk about it when I inform her that these medications can cause protracted brain damage which can take over 3 years to fully heal. She is currently on the meds, so clearly she prefers the denial route.. 

 

By the way, I had persistent brain fog during Prozac withdrawal for a few years. It eventually cleared up.

[Cookson]

i'm finding life so hard at the moment. I'm just a mess. My mind is foggy and blank and am finding it extremely difficult to even to elaborate a simple sentence. I was at a gathering with friends tonight I was doing fine until it got to about 8pm everything got too much, the lights were painful and dazzling with a feeling of agitated restless. I resorted to puffing on ciagrette which gave little to no relief.

I'm now at home writing this with this, with an unatural extreme empty dulling feeling of depression and fear.

What did I ever do to deserve this? I can only take so much suffering... Can anybody here me? Why in this world do I feel so alone? Does anyone feel the way I feel? I thought. I'm sick of pretending everything's okay.

What hurts the most is I brought this all on myself. It was coming off the anti depressants and my drug addiction which ruined me. And now I'm paying for it. I don't even think I know who I am anymore.

[Cookson]

I just feel so desperate and alone. The feeling of depression and fear is so intense and suffocating it feels I'm drowning.

[Cookson]

Please if everyone reading this could I talk to anyone? I feel so vulnerable.

[Cookson]

Anyone

[LoveandLight]

Yes I've felt like that..well I can only imagine by your description. It is terrible xx

[coldturkmama]

I'll say a prayer for you now, hang in ther. ive found prayer and reading the bible veey calming. not sure if you're religious or not, but it may help.

[LoveandLight]

I'll be sending good thoughts to you too cx

[Pugknows]

Cookson, you are not alone. We're all here with you and we feel the same way you do. Please don't despair. You are recovering and soon this nightmare will be in your rear view mirror.

[Purplestars22]

Wishing you healing and relief because I know how you are feeling and how draining it can be.

[Cookson]

Thank you for all the support. Felt like I'd been hit with a hurricane the last few days but am feeling better now

[Cookson]

Thought I would write a disclaimer to anyone who reads this. Have a serious brain fog onset be need to get this out there, although to the majority of peaple this would very likely be blantly obvious.

To peaple who have not read my complete introduction I had a terrible drug addiction for over a year before the anti depressants.

Critically it was me stopping the anti depressants and the abuse of these drugs afterwards roughly two weeks later for over a month that caused my prolonged withdrawl. In very basic terms do not do what I did! I have not touched drugs in nearly coming up to two years and what I am currently experiancing now is solely down to this.

I can appreciate that peaple would see me as pathethetic reading this but please ultimately it is irrelevant I didn't care back then and the consequences of what I was doing to myself I just want to warn peaple that this can happen!

[Altostrata]

Cookson, what were you addicted to?