☼ Cookson: citalopram cold turkey - help a kind sir in his hour of need!

[Cookson]

mix of amphetamines, mostly coke and mdma.

[LoveandLight]

What a great sense oh humour you have

 

I don't think anyone would be thinking an the less of you. Don't worry about that.

[Patoski]

Cookson we have to keep going I was once addicted to alcolism iwas once addicted to tranquillisers and even speedier beaten them all this is my last challenge I have been off ads 11 months and I'm expieranceing everything you are saying and I've been here before you know what I love in the midst of all my pain.not having to go to the cupboard to take my pills yippee I'm drug free I try not to spend much time thinking how long it's going to take me I keep myself busy as much as I can and trust I will beat this I haven't had a drink for 40 years and I haven't had a benso for 28 years so I know with God's help and people's help I will come through this so will you

[Cookson]

brain fog back enacting harsh vengeance. Wanted to write a few times am just struggling to even contruct a sentence. Pathetic really. Give more of an update when this blows over

[Cookson]

Thanks for all the advic e and support btw much love

[btdt]

i'm finding life so hard at the moment. I'm just a mess. My mind is foggy and blank and am finding it extremely difficult to even to elaborate a simple sentence. I was at a gathering with friends tonight I was doing fine until it got to about 8pm everything got too much, the lights were painful and dazzling with a feeling of agitated restless. I resorted to puffing on ciagrette which gave little to no relief.

I'm now at home writing this with this, with an unatural extreme empty dulling feeling of depression and fear.

What did I ever do to deserve this? I can only take so much suffering... Can anybody here me? Why in this world do I feel so alone? Does anyone feel the way I feel? I thought. I'm sick of pretending everything's okay.

What hurts the most is I brought this all on myself. It was coming off the anti depressants and my drug addiction which ruined me. And now I'm paying for it. I don't even think I know who I am anymore.

 

I recognize this... state of being.  I call it the negative stage where everything is bleak.. everything is down... and every bad thing you have ever thought of yourself ...or never thought of yourself will hit... constant self beatings for real or imagined flaws and bad choices... yes this is a stage of withdrawal it was for me. 

 

I lasted too long 5 minutes is too long as it is not real... it is NOT REAL!  This is a withdrawal induced state and it is not reality like stupid thoughts that drop into you head out of nowhere... I got to a point I would just notice them and go ..."oh effexor thought"  and move on as they were not real either.

 

Brains are chemical soup... we are chemical soup who we are who we thought we were all our feelings and beliefs drugs can mess with all that. The alone is part of this state not only is it all but impossible to explain your self to people .. even if they are kind and listen and try to get it.. there is no way in hell they could know what a brain zap is or even what this chemically induced depression feels like... how could they know??? 

 

They can't!  So I stopped trying to explain it like some other things in life if you just can't know.. explain orange to a blind person.. I have a blind brother so I know this is impossible. I also know explaining withdrawal in its entirety to anyone who has not lived it is impossible... this is a good part of feeling alone there is a lot of introspection when your not up to much else.  That is not all of it though there is a messed up thought process where I keep thinking to myself if I could think better I could sort this... 

 

I have had spells where I was so withdrawn I no longer wanted to be around any people... then I missed them.. and would try again only to find it too painful and I would want to be back talking on a wd site where people ... not all but some people got some of what I was saying as I had change so much normal folk were difficult to connect with. 

 

I always loved people I was a people person and loves some people deeply... all that changed.  So alone yep I get that this is a very alone thing to live through. 

 

I read you were on drugs for a year and further on and I see you beating yourself up for doing this to yourself.. if you had not taken drugs you would be doing your beating up on another topic .. pick one.. read the threads here you will see plenty of it... at a certain stage and off and on after. That is how it goes after the long state of negativity self beating... it hits once and awhile after the large dose leaves. 

 

To me it has a time limit just ends but I also found a book that really helped me through this stage called t

The Power of Now. 

 

I hope that helps some and I hope it passes soon. 

 

I wish you peace

[Altostrata]

Cookson, did we talk about this before: Fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

[Cookson]

Thanks guys

[Cookson]

Coming up to 2 years since prolonged withdrawl. Difficult to believe typeing it down. Still just trudging through life, demotivated, detached, of which has made time progress at such a frightining fast pace.

Could never have imagined how painfully, appalling slow recovery has been. At this rate how much longer will it be? Another 2 years? Not doing to great at the moement, my asthma has got very bad since the onset of the hayfever season and am having to take my steroid inhailer which i'm reacting badly too.

I fantasise killing myself at times to escape the extreme tramua of my life. Hardly normal behaviour I know, but it gives me comfort at the darkest of times that there is an escape from the horror of it all.

I still can't get over how long its been and how slow the healing is.

[Pugknows]

Cookson, you sweet soul. I'm in month 9 of CT hell. I'm so sorry you are still suffering at 2 years out. It will get better. Years 2-3 are the finish lines. I'll pray for your recovery this year. Love you, Pug.

[Cookson]

Thank you pug.

The inhaled steroid I'm reacting very badly too. My sleep before had been okay but the insomnia has come back. So frustrating, what can I do? Either I'm out of breath with no energy or I take the steroid and get or jittery and restless unable to sleep. Can't win either way

Back on the melatonin and hops for the time being....

[Cookson]

I get so angry of how long it's been and I'm still struggling to sleep after taking some steroids. I'm trapped in a body that's fragile, vulnerable and broken. Can't even think straight at the moement.

I'm literally screwed. I'm looking round my room right now the lights are painfully luminous, I've got anxiety in my chest, knowing I'll sleep poorly tonight. And I've got work tomorrow. when does the nightmare end?

[Petunia]

I'm sorry your asthma medication is amping up your withdrawal symptoms Cookson, is there any way you could take a lower dose, or change the timing of when you take it?

[Cookson]

No petu I can't, I wish I could not but I have too. Just going to have to hold on and push on

[Cookson]

Going to be turning 22 in a few months... Scary as hell. I know i keep repeating myself but nearly 2 years now. And beacause of my condition the time has just flown by, being so detached from everything. I can't even remeber who i am anymore.

Life used to be so speacial to me.

At least im still lucky in that i live with my dad working part time.

Really not doing to great at the moement, I want to write more but my mind is too scrambled and have zero attention span for anything.

I wish I could go back, and slap myself for being such a fool.

[crimsonking]

Hey man, don't be too harsh on yourself, I'm 23, took my first ad when I was 18, worst decision of my life, so I feel you pain. You will get there soon

[LoveandLight]

Think a lot of us here will be thinking like that Cookson..after all this has caused major trauma..

[Cookson]

Been a while I know, just been so busy. Had a chest infection a week ago which set me back i'm sure. Still having to rely on the steroid inhaler for my asthma though I know it makes me worse but there is nothing I can do. I'm just finding everything really difficult at this stage.

Is the steroid inhailer grinding my recovery to halt? I don't know what too do.

For instance right now i'm trying to sleep, but I'm feeling full of fear and dread wirh my heart pounding. The back of my head/neck almost feels like/it is? Vibrating too the side every few seconds... Its strange. I really try to be positive but its hard at times. Life is just so difficult for me right now..

Still only working part time thank god, my parents are understanding to an extent although they believe I'm still getting over my 'depression' they just don't understand/believe what I'm going through.

Well after 2 years with so little too show for it look to be I'm in for the long haul. So won't be going anywhere for a time yet. I know it sounds stupid but I find it comforting in saying thats if it all gets too bad I can just kill myself.

Or that being a college dropout you were never going to achieve much anyway. It makes me feel better, that the time I have lost too this isn't really wasted if that makes any sense? Or whatever, not even making much sense too myself right now not doing that great!

 

I remeber when this whole thing began, I really had honestly no idea what I was in for... Completely beyond comprehension. No clue whatsoever. Still blows my mind even now.. That this is real, even after all this time.. **** me senseless. Almost makes me laugh THAT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS IN FOR AND STILL EVEN NOW. I've had to grow up quickly, matured in a very short space of time. I had too. I would have cracked otherwise. Could not have done it. Pick a random person off the street, would not survive a week in my world. Try two years of that mate!

If I make it though this in one piece and make it too the other side I'm convinced i'll be bulletproof, like after what i'd been through I could take on anything. I mean I would not waste a second.

[Cookson]

Realistically at the rate I'm going, it hurts me too say this but I think i'ts going to be at least another three years until I'm through this. Would love too push reset and reincaranate and start all over again! Won't tonight but I will and want too list all the symptons of prolonged withdrawl that I am still experiancing now, It would be great If some cold turkey/prolonged withdrawl peaple reached out to me and pointed me too there introduction topics

[Cookson]

Okay so first Ill list symptoms that have gone,

 

Constant headaches and dizziness, so happy this has gone now!

 

Constant severe feeling of extreme restlisness and dull pain across body. First 8 months of withdrawl total nightmare!!!

 

Okay so symptons now,

 

Insomnia

 

Poor tolerance of drink, supplements, anti biotics etc

 

Poor tolerance of stress

 

Brain fog, difficult to phrase sentences

 

Poor memorey of past events

 

Feeling of general emptiness/depression

 

Fatgue, muscle weakness

 

Little superfical things over analyse and worry over

 

Cant feel comfadble/relaxed anywhere

 

Overwhelming sense of dread at times, usually coupled with the insomnia when bad

 

What I'm experiencing feels eternal

 

Thoughts of sucide (never had before prolonged withdrawl)

 

Depersonalisation, feel detached/desensitised too life, peaple etc.

 

Feel very alone/isolated

 

The feeling that I'm just existing

 

Anxiety when bad can cause me to shake and tremour (strange)

 

Uneven pupil dilation, see ghosting of images in vision

 

Sensitivity too light, better now however though notice it when I'm tired.

 

Pins and needles feeling in hands, fingers and feet when bery stressed

 

Strange jaw sensations, like when I first started ssri's

 

Water retention, either that or just can't seen too shift any weight!

 

And thats it I think.

[Cookson]

So I slept terribly last night, ended up falling asleep at 5am after taking melatonin and having a drink. On rough nights when I'ts bad even thoughts/feelings are stimulating so I have to try and make my mind completely blank and think of nothing. It's difficult!

 

I know its down too the steroid inhailer So I'm going to have to try and use it sparingly for the moment. I'm just tolerating it so badly! I've been working three days a week sometimes four and they are later shifts generally 5pm onwards which helps with my sleep pattern. Well, last day then ill have three days off. Take some much needed rest and relaxation. Looking forward too Christmas now, be good too spend time with the family and have a few weeks off.

[Petunia]

Thanks for updating Cookson, I'm sorry you are still having so many symptoms this far out after just 7 weeks use. I also wonder how much your asthma medication might be increasing your symptoms.

 

I'm also in protracted withdrawal and have had many of those symptoms you still have, I've improved quite a lot over the last year. I'm still getting waves, when it gets pretty bad, but in between, I've started to feel a lot better. I've just recently started taking L-Theanine, it works well for some people to reduce stress, anxiety and help with sleep, doesn't do much for physical symptoms, but its a relief to have found something which reduces the fear.

 

If you are interested, check out the last few posts on my thread, link is in my signature.

[Christian]

Cookson. I read your thread and I'm sorry for your struggles. I had an adverse reaction too last month and have a long road ahead of me. Can you still work? I see some of your withdrawals improved or went away. That is a sign that you are recovering. Stay strong.

[Cookson]

Thank you for all the responses, I know its been a long time since posting but I have been so busy with life I simply have not had the time.

i think alot of it I like too pretend Im not in withdrawal. But when things get tough Ill post on here beacause ultimately, no one else understands what I have been through besides the peaple on here..... let me just say this, After 3 years I understand i'm In for the long haul here and although I have come very far as opposeed too how I was. I still have a long way too go. Please can any British memebers get in contact with me as I would love too talk about these sort of things.

I will say, the biggest thing is at least my insomnia is just about managed now, as long Im not stressed or worried about someing toom'stimulating'

I remember how I used too be, every day dreading too go too bed at night knowing I would not be able too sleep. And a constant restless, agitated feeling that would not go away. I have come a long way but still have a while too go.

Big love and respect too all the peaple on here and am praying for your recovery

[Cookson]

Been such a long time updating this been lurking for far too long. I find I'm often more drawn too this site when my symptoms play up.

 

Anyhow! Up until very recently I'd been doing tremendously well, the dreaded insomnia almost conquered as long as I'm kind too myself, feeling much more in the moment and was beginning too get back my feeling/passion for life.

 

Then my body dedcided too do a total 180 last night. Couldn't sleep, which for me now is very rare so tried supplementing the old sleep remedy combo of melotonin, valerian drops, magnesium drops.. still no luck! Went downstairs too make a tea and then something in my brain just flipped I was completely disassociated from my own body, I can only describe it as very 'odd' Just reaching into the cabinet too grab a cup was so unfamiliar, like It wasn't me doing it. I've experienced this before but never this intense. Very frightening! Best description would be a bad cannabis home high. Like I was loseing my mind. Focusing on it just made me more anxious so I did my best too try too distract myself and listen too some audio books as I tried too sleep.

 

But I found whenever my body got close too sleep I experienced a really uncomfortable floating feeling and a General sense of doom? ended up sleeping terribly. Also had work the next day. Such a strong feeling of disconnect and distance. No idea how I managed too hold it together was on the verge of panic attacks most of the day.

 

It's improved slightly since I've got home although I'm not sure if that's just I've grown more accustomed too it trying my hardest too observe it objectively and not focus on it too much if that makes any sense? I'm not understating this but I feel like I'm loseing my mind and I'm only just keeping hold of my sanity. If any of you are experiencing this you have my sympathies. It's horrible.The real killer is that I have work tomorrow which is an added stressor when right now my body just desperately needs adequate rest and sleep too ride this out.I'm hoping this will be a very short lived bad patch.

 

It's just so frustrating, How could have things turned sour that quickly? I hope too god that I won't have any issues sleeping tonight. It's 9pm now, planning on being in bed by 10. Will have too see how this goes....

Edited February 19, 2017 by ChessieCat
added paragraphs

[Cookson]

Thought I'd go ahead and update this so I slept okay! Only needed too take a melatonin too get too sleep last night. Was gone for the count by 11.

Feel a lot better this morning the disassociated feeling is definitely a lot better. It's still there, but it's tolerable now. Less intense overall. Had some morning anxiety which I haven't had for a while, Doesn't bother me too much. Let's hope it keeps up.

Last resort if it worsens again I have some Valium which should zonk me out. I know I'll get a reaction too it the next day but if it helps too lessen that awful dissociated state so be it! Really hoping this is only a minor, temporary set back.

[Altostrata]

Ups and downs, Cookson, ups and downs. Good to hear from you. Sweet dreams!

[Cookson]

Thank you Alto! Started the day a little rocky but feels like I'm back in the driving seat mostly.

I'm just so grateful it has improved it was bloody terrible! Short week this one so only another two days then a long weekend. Can't wait.

[AliG]

If the valium helps occasionally then so be it . It's not the worst thing if it helps you when symptoms are really bad. I hope your symptoms settle down soon and you have continued improvement.

[Cookson]

Yeah I can't see it being too bad. It's just comforting too know that if I'm in a titanic like situation I've got a life boat aboard! Slightly exaggerated example there compared too my situation. At least they had a quick death

[Cookson]

I'm so desperate and helpless at the moment. I really feel like I can't go on, the detached feeling has gotten so much worse too the point I feel like I'm loseing my mind. I'm in a constant state of anxiety as soon as I wake up my body just won't let up. I'm house bound now even speaking too family members is jarring and anxiety inducing. I've never had it this bad ever and it's only getting worse day by day. I'm haveing too take Valium and drink alcohol daily too try and relive what I'm feeling but it helps barely. I'm lost at what too do. I contemplate sucide often. I just want too never wake up from this living nightmare.

[Cookson]

It just won't let up. My body is constantly dumping adrenaline as soon as I wake up. I'm living in a world of extreme fear and detachment

[Happy2Heal]

I'm so desperate and helpless at the moment. I really feel like I can't go on, the detached feeling has gotten so much worse too the point I feel like I'm loseing my mind. I'm in a constant state of anxiety as soon as I wake up my body just won't let up. I'm house bound now even speaking too family members is jarring and anxiety inducing. I've never had it this bad ever and it's only getting worse day by day. I'm haveing too take Valium and drink alcohol daily too try and relive what I'm feeling but it helps barely. I'm lost at what too do. I contemplate sucide often. I just want too never wake up from this living nightmare.

 

 

I am so sorry you are feeling so poorly.

I am afraid you are probably making things worse by drinking and taking valium.

 

if your suicidal thoughts continue or get worse, please read this thread and reach out to someone in real life (not online) to help you: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7619-for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal/

 

 

please remember that even a year ago, you were doing well and you will get back to that good place again.

 

I don't know why you are having such a big wave now, but it does seem that many others have experienced this as well, after doing good for some time.

 

Remind yourself that you got thru it before, you will get thru this. Do you recall what you did in the past to deal with these symptoms?

deep breathing, meditating, or distracting yourself?

 

I know it feels just awful but if you hold on, it IS going to get better, ok?

[LexAnger]

Just read your entire thread. Heartbreaking fro all of us. Love your sense of humor and amazzing description even in such a state.

 

I have been in constant DR state ever since the drug reaction the Lexapro. It's a horrible feeling and very difficult to have a sense of living.

 

This can be the last few refine of the brain to find its home base permenantly. I am actually feel quite sure about it after reading almost all the success stories online, so just think it that way and having a let it be altitude. I'm so sure you will soon find the whole thing will be like a distant and foreign nightmare.

 

I also agree with Catnapt about Valium and drink.

 

You have come alone so far, if only you can look back from out of the tunnel stand, you will find this is only the last battle and you are just inches to the out.

 

Be kind to yourself, and hold on for just a bit longer.

 

Hugs,

Lex

[Altostrata]

How often are you taking Valium, cookson? That sounds like either a paradoxical reaction or rebound anxiety from a benzo.

 

Are you also drinking?

[Cookson]

I just can't stop feeling this way. I honestly feel like I'm going mad. And it's getting worse. All I want too do is stay in my room my thoughts are becoming jumbled. Leaving the house gives me serious panic attacks that I feel like I will pass out. I was doing so well and now this has come out of nowhere I have no idea how I'm going too go on like this. I've just become so incredibly distant from everything. I've taken 4mg daily and drinking also. I'm just so detached I don't even feel safe in my own home. I'm terrified I will lose my mind completely. I was sectioned by the police last night, They were looking for a missing person and stumbled across me crying my eyes out by the park saying how I wanted too end it all. Was a horrible experience being locked up in a psychiatric hospital. I'm having thoughts but denied I was having such just so I could get out of that hellhole since today. I'm at a loss of what too. I've never felt so bad.