apace41: tapering Zoloft / sertraline

[apace41]

Thanks so much for your comments and visit, AmyK.  I count you among my inspirations as I continue on this road.  You've done so well and come so far.

 

The process sucks but so does the alternative.

 

Exercise is a challenge for me with the hips.  I did some restorative Yoga for a while but I got frustrated because it was me and 6 or 7 people who were so incredibly out of shape it made me depressed.  Up until this process I was still a fairly high level athlete and to see myself reduced to that level was not a good thing for my psyche.  I walk 15-20 minutes twice a day to get some exercise and fresh air/sunlight but I need to get back to some kind of exercise that I can do even with the hip pain.  If swimming wasn't such a difficult thing to do with my schedule...  That's just an excuse.  I should probably figure out how to get that done.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Shep]

Hi, Andy.

 

The vibe I'm getting from your latest update can be summed up in two words - battle fatigue.

 

You've been working some grueling 10 - 12 hour days. I believe you mentioned this project is over (but I'm kind of hazy about that). Are you getting enough downtime? Are you able to take some vacation days any time soon? 

 

The only thing I've found to work for battle fatigue in my own recovery is getting some downtime, if you can.

 

 I note that I did 30 days of the "Whole 30 Diet" in August and it is possible that I conditioned my system so that it "got used to" only good foods so that reintroducing the other foods is causing me adverse food reactions.

 

How did you feel on this diet? Would you be able to go back on it if you were getting good results? The reason I'm asking is a lot of us have GI and dietary issues, and if we follow what our gut wants, it seems to help the brain and body. 

 

I'm still able to function and do my job, but it does create some fears about the future (probably overreacting, but...)

 

Totally understandable, but I'm finding out that when a door shuts, a window opens. Yeah, I get the pun here. 

 

But it's true. I have every reason to catastrophize considering the level of collateral damage I'm dealing with, but all I can tell you is I have an apartment, a job with amazing co-workers, and a couple of friends left (the best ones always remain, the true friends). So I'm not really worried, even if I should be. I've overcome enough obstacles already to know what I'm capable of. And I see that in you, too, so don't sell yourself short. 

 

As well as you've handled this difficult predicament, I don't see you altering course. You'll find your way. It's the hero's journey for those of us brave enough to make this journey off drugs. 

[AliG]

Hi Andy.  In reading through your post , this quote jumped out at me.

 

"  I don't know if proper CPAP would help the daily sense of not being refreshed after sleep "

 

I think there is a probability that your sleep apnoea could possibly be - if not completely to blame for some of your sleep and daytime fatigue symptoms, ( as well as other symptoms ) then at least maybe partially responsible and /or at least exacerbating them.

 

Sleep aponea can have a vast array of symptoms that can be very debilitating in the long term. I know it's probably hard to tease out what is withdrawal but if you can manage to get a sleep study done, it might serve you well. 

 

I hope you can work it out regarding the insurance.

 

In my opinion you can't underestimate the importance of starting regular treatment for this problem.

 

Hugs,

Ali

[AmyK]

Andy, sorry but your description of the yoga group made me smile. I can imagine you didn't like to be there.

Swimming is so good! I love swimming. I hope you will find some time to do it. My brain feels better after a swim, actually. I should do it more often.

Take care!

[apace41]

Thanks for the responses:

 

Shep,

 

I did go through a brutal work period and while it is now over I went from crazed to slow which has a different kind of angst associated with it.  I'm dealing badly with the "Goldilocks syndrome" where I can't get it "just right".  It will level out but it's hard to slow the "monkey mind" in the middle of this withdrawal process. 

 

Your point is well-taken on the diet.  I should probably go back on it and continue to eat as clean as possible.  My diet is good but I have not been as strict as I was when I was on it.  It's just a lot of work and my energy/motivation have been lower due, as you aptly put it, to the battle fatigue.

 

Ali,

 

I don't really know what to think about the CPAP right now.  I appreciate your input and you may well be right.  Without proper calibration, however, I'm worried that using it will be worse than not.  Kind of a "catch-22". 

 

Amy,

 

Glad I made you chuckle.

 

Best,

 

Andy

 

[bromor]

Hi Andy - it's been a while since I've been on here.  Just wanted to pop in and see how you were doing...

[apace41]

Hi Andy - it's been a while since I've been on here.  Just wanted to pop in and see how you were doing...

 

Thanks for checking in, B.  Your absence is an indication of how well you are doing!  Very happy for you.

 

I've actually taken a page from your book and have been seeing a functional medicine specialist -- somebody I was aware of but had been on a waiting list to see.  We've been doing a lot of testing and it is actually providing some clues to where some of my problems are coming from.  Whether or not these have been triggered or exacerbated by withdrawal is hard to tease out but I have increased markers for infection including Epstein Barr, inflammation, and autoimmunity among other things.  Notably, I have a couple of positive bands of Lyme indicating that there was some clear exposure in the past.  I am in the process of finishing off some second  level gut tests and have an appointment in early December where some proposals for addressing the issues will be discussed.  At that point I will need to find the balance between treating these issues and not creating too strong a trigger on my CNS from withdrawal.  The doc is familiar with withdrawal so he is not going to try to force-feed me the treatment but I know some of my issues are due to things outside of withdrawal.

 

It is encouraging to find a doctor who understands where you are coming from and is looking at this from a holistic standpoint.  It provides some level of optimism under difficult conditions.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[bromor]

Hi Andy, I'm so glad to hear that you went to a functional med doc. I also had Epstein Barr & major inflammation.  Glad to hear that the doctor is familiar with withdrawal.  I'm telling you, it still amazes me how doctors/nurses just think it's crazy that I'm on 7 mg of Zoloft and trying to cut more than a bit affects me.  Oh well.  I'm forever grateful to this site and it's wealth of info!!  Not to mention the support. 

 

Hoping you've gotten some more answers from your early Dec appt. Healing our guts and keep them healthy is a big key in our brain health as well.  I feel like I take a 3 steps forward with that and 2 steps back. 

 

anyway, hope your sleep is improved and that you are starting to feel better.

 

my best...

[apace41]

Hoping you've gotten some more answers from your early Dec appt. Healing our guts and keep them healthy is a big key in our brain health as well.  I feel like I take a 3 steps forward with that and 2 steps back. 

 

Thanks for checking in on me, B.  It's been a bumpy road for a little while.  Still doing all that I need to do but have some moments where it doesn't feel all that great.

 

I have had a bunch of testing run and found there are some things that need to be worked in from the perspective of gut dysbiosis (including SIBO), inflammation, some markers for Lyme that indicate some prior infection and a few other assorted goodies.  Having said all that my functional doc says that I'm in pretty good health and not all that different from most people he sees.  We are trying out some herbals, etc. to try to get some of the bacteria back in alignment.  This, of course, means that when I'm not feeling great I wonder if it's in part due to adding new supplements to the regime.  Hard to win when you are dealing with the whole withdrawal process.

 

At the same time, I was finally refitted for CPAP and have gone back on the machine.  Sleep has been fair -- usually getting around 5-6 hours a night (sometimes due to waking up early and sometimes due to my staying up too late).  I still wonder all the time whether a lot of what I feel would be dramatically better if I could improve my sleep and get 7+ hours a night.  It's definitely an area that I need to work on further.

 

I have reduced the med each of November 1 (by about 8%) and Dec 1 (by about 5% increasing the cut to ultimately get to 8%).  By the end of the year I hope to be solidly on 20mg of Zoloft (boy -- 7mg looks great and far away!) which is one syringe full of the liquid.  Since my most recent cut I have felt some increased anxiety and low mood and, as of last night, increased dizziness and dp/dr.  I am hopeful that staying the course for the next several days will allow that to level out.  I confess, however, that I haven't really ever felt "good" during this process -- it's more like better and worse levels of moderately crappy.  I go to the gym, I do my work, I live my (admittedly limited these days) life and I hope on a daily basis for things to get better.  I take great hope from people like Petunia and AliG who were in the soup for quite a while but who have made great strides and can see the "other side".  I know that on some level all the other things I'm trying to do are a "sideshow" and that time and determination are the only things that will really get me through this.

 

Some symptoms are much more troubling than others and when I'm dealing with the ones that really bother me I find this process very, very hard.  When those symptoms lift I'm able to manage on a much better level.  Probably the same as most of us.

 

Thanks again for asking, B.  I've been staying away from the board a lot because I have been in a relatively low place and I didn't want to bring others down there as well.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[AmyK]

Andy, dont be afraid to come here when you feel low. We know exactly how it feels. And we are here for each other.

Have a nice weekend!

Amy

[apace41]

Andy, dont be afraid to come here when you feel low. We know exactly how it feels. And we are here for each other.

Have a nice weekend!

Amy

Thanks so much, Amy. Forgot to mention you in my list of people providing hope!

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Shep]

I have reduced the med each of November 1 (by about 8%) and Dec 1 (by about 5% increasing the cut to ultimately get to 8%).  By the end of the year I hope to be solidly on 20mg of Zoloft (boy -- 7mg looks great and far away!) which is one syringe full of the liquid.  Since my most recent cut I have felt some increased anxiety and low mood and, as of last night, increased dizziness and dp/dr. 

 

 

 

Hi, Andy.

 

I'm so glad you made an update, and this is quite an update! You were on such a long hold and now you're on the move again. This is great to read. 

 

 

 

We are trying out some herbals, etc. to try to get some of the bacteria back in alignment.  This, of course, means that when I'm not feeling great I wonder if it's in part due to adding new supplements to the regime.  Hard to win when you are dealing with the whole withdrawal process.

 

 

Please be careful. Adding in variables makes the equation more complex and sometimes these longer equations take longer to solve. 

 

Question - could you wait until after you're off of the Zoloft before tackling the SIBO and any other issues? Since the functional doc said you're really in good health, perhaps delaying the herbals until you give your mind/body a chance to heal from AD withdrawal? 

 

I know you've been struggling this whole time (and yet I'm still impressed with how much you are able to do as a long-time, polydrug survivor), but now that you're back on track with your AD withdrawal, I hate to see you get derailed by herbals that may have (side) effects that bump into AD withdrawal effects. 

 

You have come so very far, Andy. The ssri/benzo combo is a very difficult one, but you are nearing the finish line. Please don't lose sight of that. And you've done it with strength and grace, working and taking care of family the entire time. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again for asking, B.  I've been staying away from the board a lot because I have been in a relatively low place and I didn't want to bring others down there as well.

 

I completely agree with AmyK - we are here for each other.  I'm glad you did post because it gives us a chance to give back to you the kind way you've given to us. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way.  I hope you get some well-deserved downtime this weekend. 

[apace41]

Hi, Andy.

 

I'm so glad you made an update, and this is quite an update! You were on such a long hold and now you're on the move again. This is great to read. 

 

Thanks for your response, Shep.  Yes, it wasn't like I had some revelation where I felt better that led me to taper, but after a long hold and seeing no meaningful change I decided that a reduction might trigger some improvement and, if not, at least I'd be reducing the overall SSRI load.  I figure if I go slow, I can see if perhaps there is some improvement.

 

 

Please be careful. Adding in variables makes the equation more complex and sometimes these longer equations take longer to solve. 

 

Question - could you wait until after you're off of the Zoloft before tackling the SIBO and any other issues? Since the functional doc said you're really in good health, perhaps delaying the herbals until you give your mind/body a chance to heal from AD withdrawal? 

 

I know you've been struggling this whole time (and yet I'm still impressed with how much you are able to do as a long-time, polydrug survivor), but now that you're back on track with your AD withdrawal, I hate to see you get derailed by herbals that may have (side) effects that bump into AD withdrawal effects.

 

 Thanks for the caution, Shep.  Yes, I've agonized over adding in the new variables. The problem is that the things I'm being looked at for -- SIBO, gluten sensitivity, gut dysbiosis, subclinical systemic infection -- can potentially carry with them symptoms that mimic what we see in SSRI withdrawal on this site on a regular basis.  So, I don't know where one thing begins and another one ends.  My thought was that I would try to "fix" some of these problems to see what the effect might be on my overall condition.  The thinking follows that if these metabolic conditions were contributing even 20% of the symptoms, if I could wipe them out I might be in a moderately better place from which to taper.   And, if by chance the percentage was meaningfully higher, I might be able to taper faster after straightening those things out.  Of course, the flip side is that if things get worse because of the things I'm adding in (or a herxheimer reaction due to bacterial die-off), it can be challenging to know whether to stop or press forward. 

 

I honestly don't know what the best course of action is but, for now, I'm cautiously proceeding with the functional doc's approach to try to regulate my systems.  If I find myself getting "too far out over my skis" I'm hoping I will be in a position to reel it back in.  I head to FL for my end of the year 2 week vacation starting this coming weekend so I was thinking this was the best time to try this -- when I have fewer work pressures on my plate.

 

You have come so very far, Andy. The ssri/benzo combo is a very difficult one, but you are nearing the finish line. Please don't lose sight of that. And you've done it with strength and grace, working and taking care of family the entire time. 

 

 Thanks, Shep.  Sometimes it's hard to remember that I've come a long way because it looks like such a long way still to go.  Some might disagree with the "grace" part of the equation, but your point is appreciated.

 

I completely agree with AmyK - we are here for each other.  I'm glad you did post because it gives us a chance to give back to you the kind way you've given to us. 

 

It makes me feel good to know that my SA family is there to support me.

 

Thanks again.

 

Andy

[Shep]

Hi, Andy.

 

It sounds like you're approaching this with caution and taking good notes to steer your course.  

 

I hope this brings enough healing to carry you forward through the final stages of your withdrawal. 

 

And have a great vacation! 

[apace41]

I hope this brings enough healing to carry you forward through the final stages of your withdrawal. 

 

I WISH these were the final stages, Shep.  I figure I'm looking at a couple more years to go slow and be careful.  Just hoping the healing starts on the way down.

 

 

And have a great vacation!  

 

The change of scenery will be good.  I wish I could enjoy it like I did before all of this craziness, but I hoping that someday that will happen again.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[bromor]

Hi Andy. Always good to read your updates. Yes, the "detox" effect isn't pleasant while dealing with wd symptoms. But I find it helps to reassure myself that's why I'm feeling so bad. All I can say is that the more healing I've done in my body ~ the easier it is to deal with wd. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have rough patches. Been dealing with one again for the past month. This is where DARE comes in for me. (And ok, I did shed some tears over the reoccurrence of anxiety ect after a good 3-4 months without). Anyway, for what it's worth, I encourage you to continue to work to heal your body....you just have to take it a bit slower and gentler. Wishing you a happy new year.

[apace41]

So, time for a brief update:

 

I spent the last 2 weeks of the year on vacation in Florida (as I do every year) and the weather was fantastic. Got to do a lot of relaxing and a lot of "nothing" which was restorative.  There were moments when I felt relaxed and at peace and I could "see" there was a future as a "healed person."  There were also, however, many moments of thinking to myself  "I used to feel so great on this vacation -- why don't I ever feel well now?  If I can't feel good in this setting, how will I ever feel well under the stress of my regular grind?"  So, something of a "mixed bag."  Toward the very end of the trip I got a sore throat and a cold and that increased my symptoms.

 

I then did what I do every year -- I drove back home by myself (family flew) for 16 hours in one day.  Not surprisingly, it felt like I "undid" much of the benefit of the vacation and have been struggling ever since between the stress of the trip, the return to work, my kids being back to their lives (I miss them) and the absence of time to rest and relax.  DP/DR has ramped up a little (worse this morning) and I have aches and pains all over (not a shock after 16 hours in a car).  Anxiety level is increased -- not off the charts but it's not like being on the beach.  

 

Most importantly, however, I have now settled into a difficult pattern where obsessive thinking about health issues seems to be my "weak link" where w/d attacks me repeatedly.  It is a form of OCD/ruminating thoughts that is very challenging right now.  On an objective level, my health is very good.  Nevertheless, each pain in the arm, chest, back, etc. brings an immediate rush of fear that I am going to have a heart attack, stroke, etc.  It seems like no amount of self-taught CBT is providing relief.  I'm considering seeing someone in this regard but I have my doubts that they can help because it seems to be a withdrawal-induced thinking pattern.  It comes and goes like all things, but when I'm in a wave (as I am upon my return) it is an ongoing source of angst.

 

I continue to follow up with the functional medicine docs and work on the things that are askew.  It seems that I have a heightened sensitivity to gluten but I'm having trouble seeing how that manifests.  My tests show it as an issue but I don't really see a tie to foods.  I am limiting it anyway because gluten is not really "good" for anyone.  I think it may have a lot to do with the fact that I'm miserable at seeing cause and effect in myself generally which makes the advice "listen to your body" hard to follow!

 

I remain at 20mg of sertraline with the expectation of the next reduction for 1/15.

 

Happy New Year to all.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[nz11]

Well you sure do love Florida thats for sure.

 

All the best for your next drop and .tapering in 2017.

 

nz11

4.30am ugh!! hey not much else to do ...definitely cant mow the lawns ...neighbour will kill me.

[Flowers]

Hi Andy

 

Glad that you managed to have some good times with your family on your holiday in Florida. That was quite a drive back home!

 

I was interested to read about your obsessive thinking regarding your health. I guess we all have things that rear their ugly heads when we are in a wave. Mine is anxiety re travelling - I am not scared of flying it is  just that I can't cope with being away from home and my home comforts when not feeling well. 

 

I have pondered whether CBT would help me but as you say it might not considering it is withdrawal induced. It may help cope with the effects though.  I am prepared to try anything as want my life to be as easy as possible during tapering.  Maybe give it a try?

 

Good luck with your next taper and all my Best Wishes for 2017.

 

Flowers xxx 

[apace41]

Well you sure do love Florida thats for sure.

 

All the best for your next drop and .tapering in 2017.

 

 

Thanks as always, NZ.

 

I love Florida -- mostly because we are there with the same people every year and they are great folks.

 

Appreciate your wishes on my taper -- hoping 2017 is a positive tipping point.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[apace41]

Flowers,

 

Thanks for the visit!  You are supportive of many on the board and it is greatly appreciated!

 

I was interested to read about your obsessive thinking regarding your health. I guess we all have things that rear their ugly heads when we are in a wave. Mine is anxiety re travelling - I am not scared of flying it is  just that I can't cope with being away from home and my home comforts when not feeling well. 

 

I have pondered whether CBT would help me but as you say it might not considering it is withdrawal induced. It may help cope with the effects though.  I am prepared to try anything as want my life to be as easy as possible during tapering.  Maybe give it a try?

 

 

That sense of wanting to be close to your comfort zone is very understandable.  A lot of people have that when they don't feel well generally, and, in a lot of ways, a wave is just a massive amount of "not feeling well."  Whether or not it rises to the level of phobia is a matter of how much it affects your life and ability to function.  It might be worth doing some reading regarding CBT to see if it resonates.  Whether or not to try is a tough question -- not sure how to go at this point.

 

 

 

Good luck with your next taper and all my Best Wishes for 2017.

 

Thanks, Flowers. I know you have been struggling of late and hope things level out quickly so that 2017 is a good year for you.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Flowers]

Thanks Andy.

 

As you suggest will do some research on CBT - have found some interesting reading on here too.

[Shep]

Hi, Andy.

 

I'm sorry you're vacation came with so many struggles, but glad you made it home safe and sound. 16 hours in a car is quite impressive during withdrawal. No wonder you feel wiped out. And catching a cold on top of that sounds miserable. I hope that passes quickly.  A cold can definitely ramp up all kinds of symptoms. 

 

 

 

It comes and goes like all things, but when I'm in a wave (as I am upon my return) it is an ongoing source of angst.

 

 

Just a thought about your health anxiety. This part where you say it comes and goes is good reason to know it will be a lot more manageable when you heal. Sometimes that type of re-frame helps when I'm dealing with symptoms that seem overwhelming. 

 

So it's good you're keeping in the perspective that this is heightened by withdrawal, and you have every reason to be hopeful it will be gone or at least greatly reduced upon healing.

 

For now, lots of self care. Hopefully, as the cold heals, some of the health anxiety will fade with it. Being sick with even a cold can make you fear for the worse, especially when you're in withdrawal and the fear center of your brain is on hyper alert. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way.

[apace41]

Hi, Andy.

 

I'm sorry you're vacation came with so many struggles, but glad you made it home safe and sound. 16 hours in a car is quite impressive during withdrawal. No wonder you feel wiped out. And catching a cold on top of that sounds miserable. I hope that passes quickly.  A cold can definitely ramp up all kinds of symptoms. 

 

Thanks, Shep.  I don't want to make it sound like it wasn't a good vacation because it was. The issue is that I do this trip annually and I "measure" myself against how I "used to be."  The bad news is that I felt far from the "me" that took this trip 5 years ago.  The good news is that I think I was slightly better than the "me" that took the trip last year.

 

In the nature of "true confessions", having spent the vast majority of the past several years abstaining from everything due to w/d, I allowed myself a couple of transgressions as in a few drinks here and there and a cigar (which I have only ever done a handful of times ever) on New Year's Eve (first in 5 years and probably will be 5 years before another!).  It may well be that my system is also being stressed by some of those vices in which I partook.

 

 

 

Just a thought about your health anxiety. This part where you say it comes and goes is good reason to know it will be a lot more manageable when you heal. Sometimes that type of re-frame helps when I'm dealing with symptoms that seem overwhelming.  

 

Yes.  I agree.  It also seems to be unable to co-exist with other strong symptoms.  Yesterday afternoon into last night I had awful disconnection, dp/dr and cog fog but the health anxiety was gone.  When the other symptoms dissipated later in the evening it came back which suggests that different parts of my brain were in the "turning on, turning off" mode which I like to think of as "healing."

 

 

 

So it's good you're keeping in the perspective that this is heightened by withdrawal, and you have every reason to be hopeful it will be gone or at least greatly reduced upon healing.

 

As usual, you are prescient in your analysis, Shep.  I am hopeful that this "ramping up" of the HA is withdrawal-driven, but recognize due to some factors in my past I will always have a heightened sense of health issues.  Hence the question of whether to try addressing with CBT now or to wait.

 

I appreciate your input as always.  Healing vibes back at you.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Shep]

 

Hence the question of whether to try addressing with CBT now or to wait.

 

 

 

Oh dear. I just read your latest post. I think your "transgressions" may have caught up to you. Alcohol hits the same GABA receptors as benzos and valerian, so that may be, as JanCarol likes to say, playing basketball with your brain. It could have ramped up a benzo fear-wave. 

 

You might want to give yourself a month or two to let that play out. Perhaps hold the Zoloft steady and give yourself time to get back into the routine of work, as this may help push away those harmful,  intrusive thoughts. 

 

Or if it would help, perhaps go ahead and schedule an appointment with your CBT counselor for a month or two away. That way you have it scheduled, it's on the calendar, and if you need it, it's there. But if you start to feel better, you may not need to go. Having things planned and written down can help with anxiety, even if you have to wait. 

 

One of the problems with seeking therapy during withdrawal is we speak the language of withdrawal, but most mental health professionals speak the language of mental illness. So I fear you may be blamed if your withdrawal anxiety is too much for CBT or if it's a struggle. I hope you have a counselor you trust and is understanding about withdrawal. That in itself may be helpful. 

[apace41]

Shep,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. If it weren't for you I'd probably forget I ever took the benzo for 20+ years! I'm TRYING to forget I suppose. You could well be right that this is a benzo reprise reaction. I guess sometimes I'm so desperate to live life a little I go out over the tips of my skis and need to be reeled back in.

 

I was ordinarily set to reduce on 1/1 but am holding to see how this shakes out. Right now I'm hoping to reduce on the 15th but if I can't I will aim for 2/1. Not rushing but want to keep moving forward. I find I can get too settled in to a hold and get stagnant.

 

I have a therapist but she's not CBT so it would be a new relationship and that's part of the concern. Not sure I'm up for something new right now.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[AliG]

Hi A.

One of the problems with seeking therapy during withdrawal is we speak the language of withdrawal, but most mental health professionals speak the language of mental illness. ( quote : Shep )

 

I feel like you summed it up here , Shep.  Maybe that is why some of us find it so hard to " go the extra mile " to get that so - called help .

That, plus a great disdain of anyone in a " white coat " !  Maybe this is why therapy can be " a bust " for some during withdrawal. I know it was for me.

 

I hope it goes well Andy. Having said that, if you don't feel up to it I would avoid it for now. There is always time later down the track when you are feeling more up to it . As always - up to you . Just my two cents .

Hugs,

Ali

[Flowers]

Hi Andy

 

Thanks for visiting my thread.

 

I was reading Shep's reply  about you partaking of alcohol whilst on holiday and it brought back to me that just before this wave arrived a had a very bad head cold and my husband was making me "hot toddies" with rum, honey and lemon. I don't usually drink and just hadn't thought about the effects as wanted the cold gone. If this is responsible for sending me 'over the edge' for the last 3 weeks I am never going to take a drink again even for medicinal purposes.

 

It's very interesting to read Shep' s and AliG's  posts here on therapists. As you know I have made an appointment to see one on Tuesday. I have talked to her and told her about WD, tapering etc. I won't know how well informed she is until I get there but she said she has successfully treated people in the same boat as me.

 

I was put on AD's many many years ago because of anxiety and the worst anxiety I have ever had before AD's was before  I was going to a different country. Whether it was on business or pleasure it made no difference. I used to get anxiety about travelling away from home in general but not as bad as when I had to get on a plane or boat somewhere.

 

My feeling is that if I am going to be without the drugs as a crutch  or they are being reduced I need to address the main reason for being put on them in the first place which I have never done. I am getting anxiety now because of an upcoming trip away and yes it is enhanced by withdrawal and may be causing the  wave I am in now.  

 

I suppose what I am trying to say is did you suffer from health anxiety before you were prescribed meds. 

 

I have tried my own techniques but am feeling that I want to explore additional ways of dealing with this so I am well equipped for the future hopefully med free! I don't know how the appointment will go on Tuesday but I am hoping that the therapist is able to give me some help being aware that my anxiety is heightened by WD and tapering and not mental illness.

 

I understand you may not be ready to try anything new yet and there is always time in the future isn't there?

 

Just food for thought or something to ponder over.

 

Best

 

Flowers xxx

[apace41]

 

I hope it goes well Andy. Having said that, if you don't feel up to it I would avoid it for now. There is always time later down the track when you are feeling more up to it . As always - up to you . Just my two cents .

Hugs,

Ali

Thanks, Ali.

 

I always appreciate your posts.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[apace41]

I suppose what I am trying to say is did you suffer from health anxiety before you were prescribed meds. 

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts, Flowers. Much appreciated.

 

I have always thought about health issues as my father got sick at 50 which created hyper-awareness for me. The way it is now, however, is a HUGE step up from where it has traditionally been. So, I have concluded (rightly or wrongly) that this is the result of withdrawal. I had some health issues in Spring of 2014 and I was nowhere near as hyper focused as I am now. Some of it may also be PTSD from that experience.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[Flowers]

I understand Andy. 

 

WD plays havoc with us doesn't it? Hope things improve with this symptom soon.

[Shep]

 I have always thought about health issues as my father got sick at 50 which created hyper-awareness for me. The way it is now, however, is a HUGE step up from where it has traditionally been. So, I have concluded (rightly or wrongly) that this is the result of withdrawal. I had some health issues in Spring of 2014 and I was nowhere near as hyper focused as I am now. Some of it may also be PTSD from that experience.

 

 

This speaks volumes, Andy. I hope at the end of withdrawal (if not before), you find peace and resolution. 

 

And if talking to someone helps, when the time is right, that would be a good thing to do. Even if counselors don't really understand withdrawal, most have a good understanding of loss and the fear that this can create. 

 

That's the human factor we all can understand. 

 

I hope things get easier soon. 

[apace41]

Thanks, Shep.  Yes, it does speak volumes.  I have a therapist I've worked with for several years who I really like.  Progress on this front has been minimal, however, and I suspect the brain needs to do some serious rewiring before it can really take hold.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[apace41]

Many people do a list of New Year's Resolutions.  This year instead I'm doing a list of New Year's withdrawal frustrations and things I "am tired of" and I will share it with this forum:

 

• I'm tired of waking up and just generally feeling like I'm "not right" although it's usually in a different way every single day;
• I'm tired of having pains that come and go throughout my body with seemingly no rhyme or reason;
• I'm tired of having to mix my liquid sertraline into a water bottle every morning and having to drink it even though I feel like it's poison;
• I'm tired of going to doctors who tell me I'm in great shape and having friends tell me I look great when on the inside I feel like S**T;
• I'm tired of having anxiety, especially about my health (see "you are in great shape" above) when there is no good reason;
• I'm tired of thinking that "you only have ___ years before you are done with this";
• I'm tired of putting off the things I want to do in my life until "I'm done with withdrawal";
• I'm tired of those days when the thoughts are clear but they somehow seem to get jumbled between my brain and my mouth when they come out less clear than they started;
• I'm tired of not being able to drink a cup of coffee in the morning;
• I'm tired of not having a glass of wine at night (or, if I do, paying the price for some indeterminate time);
• I'm tired of seeing how many people have been damaged by these meds while the pharmaceutical industry continues to pander its wares and make a fortune off of us guinea pigs; and
• I'm tired of saying to myself "what would your life have been like if you hadn't taken these stupid drugs?"

 

I guess the bottom line is "I'M TIRED!"

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

I will say, however, seeing the improvements of some who have been here for quite a while, including AliG, AmyK, Petunia and, most recently, JanCarol (who seems to be self-admittedly preparing for her success story), at least gives me hope.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[nz11]

I'm sure we can all relate to that great 'tired' list Andy.

 

I also have got hope from noting  the wonderful improvements of others.

 

Stay strong

nz11

[apace41]

Thanks as always, NZ.