Faithbarelysurviving: Too damaged?

June 17, 2015

Hey Faith, you wrote:

Please take a look at this and anybody that wishes to help:

http://www.antidepre...s/hostility.php

Can the hostility aggression be from withdrawal? From antidepressantsi am taking? From the past benzo withdraw

Yes, yes, and yes. All of these can contribute to hostility and aggression - along with psychosocial factors such as feeling trapped, afraid, unsafe, or suffering from the endless waves of trauma. Including the trauma of your psychiatric hospital experience - of being dismissed, neglected, even abused and violated. And you may have other trauma, stress and pressures that we don't know about in your life. All of these things - combined - contribute to your states of distress. Trying to parse them out is not helping you.

Rather than looking for the causes of these things, look at right now.

Jon Kabat-Zinn said:

"The fact that you are breathing means there is more right with you than wrong with you in this moment."

Look at this moment. I still don't understand what you are doing with your taper of buspirone. I can only hope that you are taking your doses regularly, and not cutting too often. It makes me sad to see the weight of all the drugs that you are under.

It may seem cruel for me (and others) to say that focusing on your pain is not helping you. But it is actually the kindest thing I know. Looking for blame and cause will not help you get better. My Dad used to say to me: "In order to get out of a hole, you must stop digging it."

Instead, look for the ladder, the rope, the boxes to stand on, anything you can do to get out of the hole. If it is pain you are suffering, have you tried magnesium baths? Or a magnesium supplement? What about fish oil?

Magnesium

Omega-3 fish oil

You realize, if you cannot do the dishes, maybe there is a small thing that you can do. Maybe you can only empty the rubbish, or perhaps you can brush your hair. On another forum I participate in, we call it "underwear." What did you do today? Acknowledge it. Maybe you only made a cup of tea and drank it. Maybe you patted the dog or cat. Maybe you were able to sit still long enough to watch a silly TV show. Maybe the only thing you were able to do today was change your underwear. Acknowledge it. Instead of looking at what you cannot do - focus on what you can do. Put one foot in front of the other.

Maybe you are not in any condition to join a gym or take a yoga class. But did you walk from the bedroom to the bathroom? How many times? How many steps? Can you add a few steps to that? Maybe walk to the mailbox or the curb? It will be hard, but in order for your life to change you will need to challenge yourself. Yes, coddle yourself like I said in the last post, but also challenge yourself. Gently, and reward what small progress you can make. Did you see the sky today? Did you notice any color? Do you like to listen to music? Maybe you only listened to one song, but that was more than yesterday. Keep trying little things, new things, and find out what works for you.

I will offer you one more challenge (probably tomorrow, as it is 2:30 am here now), and I will give you time to process it, to work on it.

You have many reasons to hope. You are getting clearer, slowly. You are breathing. You are alive.

June 17, 2015

I couldn t soothe anybody right now i am too sick and angry raging...i might hurt somebody now...

June 17, 2015

I have a yorkee poo and maybe sometimes I pet him but i am numb feeling or angry rage paranoid and very negative. I cannot deal with anything or anybody, and is not only emotional but also cognitive and psychologic... I don t if what i am writing is what is really happening, is it is like you said like having a hole in your brain , like a lobotomy where you are changed totally, and negatively like programed to harm to anger to destroy and at the same time you re destroyed... Possessed by evil that hurts you mentally and physically and have to endure it ...like when you re possessed it takes over you, so it s not you anymore that s how it is

June 17, 2015

I did brush my hair a little and put a dress on, pet my puppy but know there is a black wave wave coming over mind and body, hard to breathe or to stand and my awareness goes even more away start twiching all over I hope i ll be back

June 17, 2015

Apart from all the "can'ts" I hear above, I see that you brushed your hair and patted your puppy. And you breathed, even though it was difficult.

These are good things. You have something to build on.

When you were doing Mommy things, you put your own problems aside, and dealt with the children, as best you could.

Likewise, accept your symptoms, and nurture your own self. You are doing better, I can see it, from 14,000 miles away. Maybe you are too close to the pain to see it yourself.

I used to put colored stars on my calendar: A gold star was I got up before 10 am, got out of bed and put on clothes. A silver star was that I saw another human being, or talked to them on the phone. A blue star was I went to bed before midnight. A red star was I learned something new, and a green star was I ate something good for me. Seeing the colored stars - like grade school - on my calendar - encouraged me to keep trying.

Sometimes, too, we have to "fake it until we make it." You patted your puppy, but didn't feel well doing it. But your puppy didn't know the difference, and was happy for the pats. And whether you *felt* it or not, there was benefit there, healing there, interaction there.

Find the good things. Build on them.

I'll write to you again tomorrow, take care. See if you can find the sky on this spring/summer day.

June 17, 2015

Just stopping by to say "hello", Faith. I also think you seem better than when you first came. I have the akathisia as well. It is brutal. I disagree with what someone else said about the anger and rage (not) being akathisia. I believe that it IS the akathisia. Hang in there the best you can!

Prayers!

June 17, 2015

Faith, if you want to go off the buspirone, it's time to reduce the evening dose by another 1/8 tablet.

As btdt so helpfully noted:

How I take my pills:

Morning 9pm:

Bupropion (Wellbutrin) -150 mg
Escitalopram - 15 mg
Baclofen - 10mg
Propranolol - 20 mg
Clonazepam -1mg
Carbamazepine - 100mg (1/2 of 200mg tablet)
Gabapentin - 200mg
Buspirone (Buspar) - 7.5mg

1pm:
Clonazepam-1mg
Baclofen-10mg

5pm:
Propranolol: 20 mg
Baclofen: 10mg
Buspirone: 10mg 8.75mg

9pm:
Clonazepam: 1mg
Carbamazepine: 100mg (1/2 of 200mg)
Tegretol: 50mg
Gabapentin: 100 mg

revised good job

If you reduce buspirone tonight, your next reduction (in 4 days) would be Monday evening, June 22. Please put these dates on a calendar and keep track of your reductions. I am not going to do this for you.

June 17, 2015

Just stopping by to say "hello", Faith. I also think you seem better than when you first came. I have the akathisia as well. It is brutal. I disagree with what someone else said about the anger and rage (not) being akathisia. I believe that it IS the akathisia. Hang in there the best you can!

Prayers!

I think I have movement dysorders, neck twitching very bad, pulling back when they start like now i can barely breathe

June 17, 2015

Don't know much about dystonia, Faith, but sounds like it may be that.

June 17, 2015

Apart from all the "can'ts" I hear above, I see that you brushed your hair and patted your puppy. And you breathed, even though it was difficult.

These are good things. You have something to build on.

When you were doing Mommy things, you put your own problems aside, and dealt with the children, as best you could.

Likewise, accept your symptoms, and nurture your own self. You are doing better, I can see it, from 14,000 miles away. Maybe you are too close to the pain to see it yourself.

I used to put colored stars on my calendar: A gold star was I got up before 10 am, got out of bed and put on clothes. A silver star was that I saw another human being, or talked to them on the phone. A blue star was I went to bed before midnight. A red star was I learned something new, and a green star was I ate something good for me. Seeing the colored stars - like grade school - on my calendar - encouraged me to keep trying.

Sometimes, too, we have to "fake it until we make it." You patted your puppy, but didn't feel well doing it. But your puppy didn't know the difference, and was happy for the pats. And whether you *felt* it or not, there was benefit there, healing there, interaction there.

Find the good things. Build on them.

I'll write to you again tomorrow, take care. See if you can find the sky on this spring/summer day.

June 18, 2015

I did brush my hair a little and put a dress on, pet my puppy but know there is a black wave wave coming over mind and body, hard to breathe or to stand and my awareness goes even more away start twiching all over I hope i ll be back

Yep it is there...

and you did your stuff anyways... this is going to become a theme in wd... it was for me. I accepted and noticed yes I did and then did what I could manage anyway... in spite of it all.

some days I did not do much some days were bed days.. but some days were out of bed days...

I tried not to get stuck on the in bed days as it makes no sense to.. they were just days like the others just those days I was less able they come they go I have better days later.

Great post from Jan

peace to you Faith

June 18, 2015

I am, as always, impressed with Alto's knowledge, gentle caring, and interventions for you.

You wrote:

Please take a look at this and anybody that wishes to help:

http://www.antidepre...s/hostility.php

Can the hostility aggression be from withdrawal? From antidepressantsi am taking? From the past benzo withdraw

and

dystonia or a type of neurologycal disorder...with my neck twiching, my head wably, then my neck tight puling up my spine, moving my tongue agaist my teeth, orthomandibular dystonia

It is a good sign that you have the cognitive ability to seek out articles like this, in trying to understand what has happened to you.

Again, I caution you against using medical terms to describe how you feel. Sometimes it helps to have a name for a thing, "Oh, it's dystonia" - it feels more normal to know that enough people have struggled with this symptom enough to give it a name. But with your med mix, this could be tardive dyskinesia, or autonomic dysfunction, or any number of symptoms. It is very likely that it is a temporary state which will be improved as you reduce the drugs.

Your case is not unlike our own GIaK's, she has blogged about it on www.beyondmeds.com . You are not alone. Others have been through this before. GiaK was bedridden for months, or years, unable to speak, move, think - and yet - like you - she soldiered on through and went on to learn how to be kind to herself, how to be gentle with herself. How to be responsible for her own health.

and you wrote:

I ll probably end up in a mental institution or maybe I die first .

Whoa whoa whoa, who gave you the crystal ball? You cannot see the future, neither can I - but to focus your thoughts here is dangerous, damning, and not at all healing or helpful.

And you also wrote:

There is no wsy out Altostrata

But there is a way out - and Altostrata has shone a light on the path. The more information you provide for her about your dosing schedules, the better her lamp will be for you.

With your difficult symptoms, it is not easy to see - it is difficult. But it is not impossible. There is no ***easy*** way out. But there is a way out, and Alto has offered it to you. Please, follow her wise advise, and gradually reduce one drug at a time.

When you hear the word "can't" - I challenge you to say another word instead. You can always do something, even if it is very, very very difficult. I'm not downplaying the agony of your situation - but you are breathing, you are alive. There is hope.

I can see that your mind is gradually getting a little sharper, a little brighter - it may just be a tiny amount. You may not notice it in your day-to-day, but having read your thread, I can see just a tiny bit more calm, a tiny bit more inquisitiveness, and therefore - more hope than you had before.

So - you've got Alto's tapering schedule, and some food for thought from me. And you have excellent support here from Btdt, Meimei and others. Keep breathing!

June 18, 2015

Just so you know your not alone in this jerking stuff neck rigidity body stuff... I had it.. but I did not have a name for it. I just thought my spine was twisted and my neck was wrecked.. I used heat and cold and all sort of liniments. I keep them on hand still. I used massage with heat and a bought a back massaging machine had warm baths in epson salts... these things helped me.

I had a new bed.. and had the people come to check it as I was sure it was no good... it felt twisted to me. I had visions of it being banged around inside an empty moving truck when they were delivering it to me and getting twisted.. I was so uncomfortable in the bed.. I bought a ton of pillows all different levels .. some firm some soft as from day to day I could not tell what would help... the pillows were a good investment. A neck pillow I don't know how I ever lived without it... and a cheap one that is new from the dollar store of all places is my new addition. I am always looking for a way to be more comfortable .. I have a bed cushion that allows me to rest my arms in bed it has a back and arm rests. I have all sorts of things to make me more comfortable. Cold packs in the freezer always.. hot packs that go in the microwave to warm.

At this point I never think of them and still use them often they have become an extension of me... they go where I go if I am away for any amount of time they are with me... everybody knows and accepts this now.

In a pinch a rolled up towel under you neck can take the strain off the neck muscles... putting a damp towel inside a dry one and nuking it for a few minutes can make a warm neck roll. This I have done in motels when I had to be away and my pillow was in the car.. on a cold winter night it worked ok.

Just some ideas.

peace

June 18, 2015

You're not alone, Faith. Everyone here is trying to help you, in the best way they can. you have "support". You will get through this.

June 18, 2015

Faith, did you reduce your evening buspirone by another 1/8 tablet?

June 22, 2015

Yes I wrote I did. I don t how I know but I do know that what is hapeninig to me is the "reality". I hate everything and everybody, the pain in my head and the moving in my head makes me want to scream, i feel horrible just horrible vibrations and tremores inside my head and body, my mind is switching and going constantly....everything everything why i don t kill myself i think is such a strong surviving mechanism..., othrwise I would do it, I think I am so out of it and incapacitated mentally and physical that i don t know how to do it or can

I am crying and sobing i can t sop i feel desperation and so much sadness . I want reality i want out of this hell

June 24, 2015

How much buspirone are you taking now, in the morning and evening?

June 24, 2015

I think I take 6 x 1/8 morning and 5 x 1/8. I don t know if it makes sense because i don t know how to think

June 24, 2015

at this point in time the evening Buspirone: 10mg ~~8.75~~mg ~~7.5~~mg after yesterdays drop 6.25mg

your getting there.. slow but sure

every 4 days drop by 1/8th to do the math

1/8th = .125mg .125 of 10 = 1.25 mg

1.4= .25 .25 of 10 = 2.5mg

1/2= .50 of 10 =5mg

You take a 10 mg pill and split it...

morning

half the pill is 5mg

so half plus...... half of one half...or a quarter of a whole pill in the morning to make 5+ 2.5= 7.5 mg

night

half a pill which is 5mg

half of a quarter cut side ways = 1.25 + 5= 6.25

LOL I was once trained to do math for a living and can't believe how hard this was to sort... but I think you aced it way to go seems you thinking is as good as mine not sure that is saying much.

June 24, 2015

Faith, get a calendar and write down the amount of buspirone you take every day.

We discussed your making a reduction of 1/8 tablet from the evening dose every 4 days. Please post every time you make a reduction.

You will need to keep track of the date you make a reduction and the date of your next reduction.

When the evening dose is down to zero, you can start reducing the morning dose.

June 24, 2015

I don t know if it is not too fast, i don t know what happens around my mind goes from one thing to another can t make sense of anything it s worse can t speak can t tell anybody what is happening with me no understanting, get stiff get like absent catatonic??ghen mind is out of control can t expain it body the same that is why I can t write in here

June 24, 2015

Don t know what happens from one moment to another where i am or what day it is don t have feelings bad cognition problems

June 24, 2015

Faith, I was in the same mental place as you when I c/t'd from Valium many years ago. You CAN recover from this but its going to be a challenge. Is there no one who can help you figure out your meds? I couldn't speak either other than to say "yes" and "no". I know how hard this is. I'm so sorry. I did go on to a fully functioning cognitive brain. Once you can get OFF some of these horrible drugs safely, I'm sure you will see improvement. Just follow along with what Alto suggests as best you can. Hang on. You can get better.

June 24, 2015

It s like dementia maybe...so horrible head pain and tightnes jaws tight teeth grinding tongue hurts brom biting it and moving it againt sharp teeth, i can t say yes or no don t understand anything chest hurting

Well what do you mean by sorting the meds? I don t have anybody but my husband and cannot communicate maybe if i was a little better with cognition and psychologically and could speak i mumbling maybe i could have found somebody

i am pretty bad retarded

And my dr my husband got me to see him i don t know when or remember...but i think he said something about me wanting to be a child????????and so to be protected that i am doing it intentionally or subconsc probably

I am retarted not wanting to be a child....

June 24, 2015

If it's not making you worse, keep on tapering buspirone.

Then we need to choose another drug to taper. The drugs are causing your symptoms.

June 25, 2015

Side effects from these drug surely play a part in your symptoms sad part is you can't just quite taking them quickly.... inch by inch is how to get out of this and your doing it. When you came here you had about the same problems if you go back and read before tapering this bit you had the same problems. It will get better as the drugs go lower in time.

Stick with it your doing great.

I wish you peace

Did you get the calendar?

June 25, 2015

Right this moment i feel drugged, and my eyes are just closing, tightness, then my state of mind changes to something else and so on it never stops and I think i was like that before for years. The hell with their medications I ve lost my mind...it is on these poisons i started to get worse years ago, whatever they done to my brain in my stupidity to try to get of so many times off of tthem, i don t even rememember, these are years of being nuts and with the most horrible symptoms mental and physical because of withdrawal and reactions i should have been dead by now. Please don t even listen to me and take noghing personal i am not lucid, not in a right mind for sure. Whatever problems i had i was Normal, i had a brain my proof is the kids that i have because i don t remember absolutely anything, now i am officially crazy and handicapped. They got me addicted to benzos 10 yrs ago, forced me on antypsychotics, almost killed me i don t know how many tymes...they will pay somehow, i am not a mother not a wife no social nothing, don t know about my parents, i am totally out of a real world...they will pay...worse, their kids and grandkids will pay, for their greed and stupidity and harming in such ways people...maybe i am paying too but this is suffering is Evil

God have mercy on us (i wish i could realize Who God is) but maybe He is watching over us

June 25, 2015

Hold on Faith, hold onto whatever shred of reality you find. You'll be ok. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

June 25, 2015

...your post makes me cry because I know how you are feeling. I have been where you are. You are not alone

June 25, 2015

God Bless Adaggio. I feel like i have things in my mouth, teeth are moving, excess saliva, things moving in my head, web spiders in my mouth, don t recognize my family well, maybe hallucinating, go in deep dark saddness desperate

Can t see (i look dark and ugly in the mirror) hear speak taste well. God just a bit of reality of pause , all that is mental goes hand in hand with physical, bad mind bad body

Allthe love that miight have had once to all of you, i have a heart i am a mommy, i must have had love...

June 26, 2015

I am sure God was watching over me in wd as there were days only God could see me thru.. keep your faith best you can Faith try to find things that are soothing to pass the time with... as the time will pas may as well make it as good as we can while healing.

You feel drugged because you are drugged but you are also getting off in a safe and responsible way the safest way with the help of people who know how to do this so know your doing the best possible thing but it will take time. Try to focus on two things right now keeping your drops straight and how to get thru this time best you can there are a lot of good suggestions here. We are all hoping the best for you.

peace

June 26, 2015

And my dr my husband got me to see him i don t know when or remember...but i think he said something about me wanting to be a child????????and so to be protected that i am doing it intentionally or subconsc probably

I am retarted not wanting to be a child....

This is discusting. Your doctor is an absolute jerk and I'm so sorry you are being treated like this, I am so angry for you. Does your husband not speak up for you? You need to find some doctor who believes you or at least listen to you. You also need someone to speak on behalf of you...someone who is supportive and actually believes and understands this.

I always take a friend to the doctor as I am not capable of remembering things or forget why I've gone etc.

I am just so, so livid with this situation...I'm actually screaming for you!

You will get better than this...promise. I was so much worse on the drug last year. I couldn't make conversations with anyone. I was completely brain dead.

Listen to the tapering advice here - get someone who knows you well to help with it. Can't your husband come on here and see what is being advised? He can read other threads too....he needs to understand and help you and if not him - what about a friend or another relative?

June 26, 2015

I couldn't taper properly either - I know how bad this is and how getting your head around tapering is so huge.

Please get someone to help you.

June 26, 2015

No nobody...My husband believes the dr maybe, i misunderstand everything, i don t understant anything i don t recognize places or people i don t remember from one moment to another i am very mean i think i had brain zaps and so bad diziness my husband told me he can t be near me when i am like this like zombified there so many states of my mind that change one after another in all of them i am so sick with my mind maybe if my husband talks to the dr he will continue to say it is my ilness and actually confirm it more...sometime in the past my husband used to speak for me because he believed that the meds and the withdrawals have destroyed me but as i got worse and worse the kids have grown and saw me in hospitals and in al kinds of crazy mental states crying , i have destroyed my children and i am also destroyed

June 26, 2015

Faith, I was in the same mental place as you when I c/t'd from Valium many years ago. You CAN recover from this but its going to be a challenge. Is there no one who can help you figure out your meds? I couldn't speak either other than to say "yes" and "no". I know how hard this is. I'm so sorry. I did go on to a fully functioning cognitive brain. Once you can get OFF some of these horrible drugs safely, I'm sure you will see improvement. Just follow along with what Alto suggests as best you can. Hang on. You can get better.

They took me off valium very fast too in the hospital a year and a half ago and I went crazy ,nerve damage all over body and gave the some of the meds i am on now

June 26, 2015

I couldn't taper properly either - I know how bad this is and how getting your head around tapering is so huge.

Please get someone to help you.

If my mind was clear........but it is not

Faithbarelysurviving: Too damaged?

Recommended Posts

JanCarol

Link to comment

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic