Faithbarelysurviving: Too damaged?

July 5, 2015

My heart goes out to you Faith because of all you are suffering. Hold on. Try to focus as much as you can when you are posting with Alto so she has a clear picture of what you're doing with your medication. I know it's very, very difficult.

Much love to you and I wish for you a clear and peaceful mind. Hang in there Faith, hang in there.

July 5, 2015

I am suicidal

July 5, 2015

Me too honey, let's try and hang on together, day by day, minute by minute. It won't be like this forever. We have to be strong and brave.

July 6, 2015

It s a strong will to hang myself i don t know if it s withdrawal i don t know what it is i can t monitor myself from one moment to the next but i go in the bathroom and that s the only thing i see i think also paranoia bad hate and desperation

July 6, 2015

That's part of akathisia faith - pre-occupation with thoughts of death and dying. It's like all the other symptoms , it comes and it goes , and you

need to resist any impulsive actions.

I read your posts every day and you're doing the job of a champion. I was sick the way you are - sharp teeth , the lot. The damage wasn't permanent - it's a phase you need to pass through on the way to wellness. Keep resisting the bad thoughts , try to focus just on breathing

when you start to panic. It really helped me , just in and out , slowing it down.

July 6, 2015

I would keep reducing buspirone every 4 days, as we discussed, Faith.

To minimize the drugs, you have to reduce the dosage.

Could someone following this topic remind Faith to reduce buspirone every 4 days until she's off it? Thank you.

July 6, 2015

I think this is really bad withdrawal from buspar

July 6, 2015

Hang in there sweetie. You have to get off these meds somehow, they are poisoning you. Try to use all of your energy on tapering them one by one. Stay focused, I know how hard it is - but you have a goal now - to become free of these poisons. Use whatever energy you can muster to do that.

July 6, 2015

I too am rather suicidal, less now that my symptoms have gotten much more managable. There was a total of about 1.5 years that was just utter hell.

There are various ways of attempting suicide that can make your life even worse than it is now (i.e., you fail at the attempt). You can be assured that you'll be force fed antipsycotics if you fail the attempt and don't die. That's the best case scenario.

There's a surprisingly high probability that you will fail the attempt, so you might want to also consider that angle. Most folks who attempt suicide have no idea what they're doing. I tend to think that I know this stuff pretty well, and even I'm scared about failing at an attempt. It's not that easy to commit suicide as you might think.

There are many reasons not to die. You are given one life, and I think that it's important to live it out as long as you can. Life is a remarkable phenomenon and it's not always pleasant. I've sort of played around with this philosophy quite a bit over the last 2 years, and I have more or less come to the conclusion that life is worth living, even if it's just utterly awful. You should also consider the fact that nothing else that life will ever present to you will be as difficult as SSRI withdrawals. This is just about the most difficult and persistent misery that the human condition can experience. If you can make it through this, life will be a much different experience when you emerge to the other side. I'm not even kidding about this being the most difficult thing that a human being can experience - it really is. Psycotrohpic medication and their effects are nothing less than torture, and have in fact been used as torture agents in years past.

I think that the vast majority of people who have terrible withdrawal symptoms will recover eventually. Patience and distraction - find something to distract yourself if your symptoms can allow that. At times, my symptoms were so bad that I couldn't even find an adequate distraction - that wasn't very fun. I survived though, one day at a time. Now I just distract myself throughout the day through various means. My life is far from well, but I just keep going. Who knows what will happen. I've read success stories where people just spontaneously recover, so it's technically possible.

July 7, 2015

The thing is that i do not realize what i am doing, i am very very far from reality i know that for sure!!!how???i know it!!it is probably psychosis what i am experiencing! And in my craziness i am aggressive, irritable like crazy, heart beats like crazy but i really do not care, i am in a very very dark place with my mind - crazy and when some toys look alive and evil to me, around darkness in me darkness and a sense of desperation and crying and sobing come over me i feel my head wiil explode from tension my neck wil break and my spinal cord hurts and is like is breaking, struggle breathing and so much hate and paranoia and aggressiveness and the only escape would be to hang my self to make it stop and make people around stop being "against me" or just stick a knife in me ... i am blind with my mind and right now terror terror . and i say to myself no more hospital they are going to torture me even more if they see me crazy like this.....i am writing this here but i am in another world...and i scare my kids maybe I don t want too see them not my husband, my husband threatnes me with the hospital, unbalivae how ignorant he can be and much he trusts the drs and how the heck he cannot see how bad i am....and if he sees tells me he ll get me to the hosp so that the kids are not traumatized... i have been through other ssri and antipsychotic withdr i think, i don t remember them,i don t know what i did moments ago with probably years of crazy mental siffering, in bed not going out for years, that is why my mind and body are so screwed up,

July 7, 2015

I too am rather suicidal, less now that my symptoms have gotten much more managable. There was a total of about 1.5 years that was just utter hell.

There are various ways of attempting suicide that can make your life even worse than it is now (i.e., you fail at the attempt). You can be assured that you'll be force fed antipsycotics if you fail the attempt and don't die. That's the best case scenario.

There's a surprisingly high probability that you will fail the attempt, so you might want to also consider that angle. Most folks who attempt suicide have no idea what they're doing. I tend to think that I know this stuff pretty well, and even I'm scared about failing at an attempt. It's not that easy to commit suicide as you might think.

There are many reasons not to die. You are given one life, and I think that it's important to live it out as long as you can. Life is a remarkable phenomenon and it's not always pleasant. I've sort of played around with this philosophy quite a bit over the last 2 years, and I have more or less come to the conclusion that life is worth living, even if it's just utterly awful. You should also consider the fact that nothing else that life will ever present to you will be as difficult as SSRI withdrawals. This is just about the most difficult and persistent misery that the human condition can experience. If you can make it through this, life will be a much different experience when you emerge to the other side. I'm not even kidding about this being the most diffijncult thing that a human being can experience - it really is. Psycotrohpic medication and their effects are nothing less than torture, and have in fact been used as torture agents in years past.

I think that the vast majority of people who have terrible withdrawal symptoms will recover eventually. Patience and distraction - find something to distract yourself if your symptoms can allow that. At times, my symptoms were so bad that I couldn't even find an adequate distraction - that wasn't very fun. I survived though, one day at a time. Now I just distract myself throughout the day through various means. My life is far from well, but I just keep going. Who knows what will happen. I've read success stories where people just spontaneously recover, so it's technically possible.

Can t distract i am trying to maybe some moments i can

I don t know

Thank you

July 7, 2015

The thing is that i do not realize what i am doing, i am very very far from reality i know that for sure!!!how???i know it!!it is probably psychosis what i am experiencing! And in my craziness i am aggressive, irritable like crazy, heart beats like crazy but i really do not care, i am in a very very dark place with my mind - crazy and when some toys look alive and evil to me, around darkness in me darkness and a sense of desperation and crying and sobing come over me i feel my head wiil explode from tension my neck wil break and my spinal cord hurts and is like is breaking, struggle breathing and so much hate and paranoia and aggressiveness and the only escape would be to hang my self to make it stop and make people around stop being "against me" or just stick a knife in me ... i am blind with my mind and right now terror terror . and i say to myself no more hospital they are going to torture me even more if they see me crazy like this.....i am writing this here but i am in another world...and i scare my kids maybe I don t want too see them not my husband, my husband threatnes me with the hospital, unbalivae how ignorant he can be and much he trusts the drs and how the heck he cannot see how bad i am....and if he sees tells me he ll get me to the hosp so that the kids are not traumatized... i have been through other ssri and antipsychotic withdr i think, i don t remember them,i don t know what i did moments ago with probably years of crazy mental siffering, in bed not going out for years, that is why my mind and body are so screwed up,

I revised my original comment quite a bit.

I'd echo the members advice here and try to trust that Alto's advice will help you. Just hang in there, this will end eventually. To say that I know what you're going through would be true, and I've survived and I'm doing OK now.

July 7, 2015

Akathisia

https://akathisiainfo.wordpress.com/2012/03/10/akathisia-info/

July 7, 2015

I know that is what they will do to me, they did it before , i have been in these states of horrible depersonalisation for mths maybe years who know, i cannot separate a day from another, to me "yesterday" doesn t exist and i think i have been made psychotic by them before because of the fast withdrawals due to antipsychotic triggered akathisia and i think diskenisia, i don t remember my mind is black......nobody in my place right now would stay alive

I am trapped in something horiible, tortured like a worm mentally and physically

don t know what to do affraid i ll end up in the hospital in their hands

I hope there is a God that sees me

July 7, 2015

I know that is what they will do to me, they did it before , i have been in these states of horrible depersonalisation for mths maybe years who know, i cannot separate a day from another, to me "yesterday" doesn t exist and i think i have been made psychotic by them before because of the fast withdrawals due to antipsychotic triggered akathisia and i think diskenisia, i don t remember my mind is black......nobody in my place right now would stay alive

I am trapped in something horiible, tortured like a worm mentally and physically

don t know what to do affraid i ll end up in the hospital in their hands

I hope there is a God that sees me

There is a God and that God loves you. It might not seem like that right now, but God is there. We all love you too, unconditionally, and empathize with your situation. I hope that you begin to feel better soon. I'm a little bit hesitant to tell you what to do, because of the fragility of your situation. By being on so many different medications, your situation is among the more complex that I've read recently on this website. I think that my best advice is to trust that Altostrata knows what she's talking about, and to follow her advice.

What do you have to lose? If you're currently suicidal, you might as well try something different - why not trust that Altostrata has helped people like you before, and see what happens? If it doesn't work, you can go back on the medication if you don't like how you feel when you're off. The decision is ultimately up to you, and if the psycosis or akathesia is making it difficult to make decisions or perform actions, then you have to just muster the courage up, try to remember that you haven't always been this way, and just do something new and different (i.e., reducing your medication dosages as Altostrata suggested).

July 7, 2015

My depersonalization has been with me for years i think......So it is a form of psychosis right? You lose touch with reality correct and everything is evil, turn on you, objects, people anything... Did you have rage, aggressiveness, terror?

Oh God maybe somebody understands me a little....

Thank you

July 7, 2015

My depersonalization has been with me for years i think......So it is a form of psychosis right? You lose touch with reality correct and everything is evil, turn on you, objects, people anything... Did you have rage, aggressiveness, terror?

Oh God maybe somebody understands me a little....

Thank you

Yeah I've been through a very similar experience and symptoms. Not all at once, but I've experienced all of what you're describing at least once in my life. You will never go through a more difficult time for the rest of your life. This is it. The single most difficult challenge of your life. If you can get through this, everything else will be so simple and easy, and amazingly pleasurable and rewarding. The medication is what's causing your issues (you seem to be aware of this).

Depersonalization isn't a form of psycosis - it's a mild dissociative disorder that affects quite a number of people, and it also goes away in most cases if you give it enough time and address it correctly. You should probably reframe your understanding of psycosis as well - it's not really a disorder as much as it's just a behavioral manifestation that something is not going so well in your life. There is overwhelming evidence that psycosis, just like depression and anxiety, will completely go away if you just wait it out and don't treat it with any medication. You can refer to a book called "Anatomy of an epidemic" with references to what I'm referring to.

It makes things infinitely more complicated when you're having a psycotic akathesia episode AND taking all the meds that your're taking. But if you do get off of them slowly (but surely), your brain will be able to heal itself and you'll become repersonalized and rerealized, and start to be able to be less restless and think a bit more clearly. You can recover, but you obviously need to change something up.

It would be strongly recommended to find an understanding doctor who will help you get off the medication. I'd keep searching and searching through psyciatrists until you find one who is wiling to help you taper off your meds with you. They do exist. If you have to pay out of pocket to find a doctor who doesn't take insurance, but is willing to help you get lower doses, it's money well spent. If you follow the advice from this website and have a doctor who's willing to prescribe you smaller and smaller doses and won't manipulate you into taking more medication when your symptoms get worse (there may be a rebound down the road), then you'll be in the best of hands.

I'm going to just repost Altostrata's question:

"Faith, when is your next decrease of buspirone?"

My advice, would be tonight.

-One more piece of advice I'd give you before I turn in for the night is to strongly consider perhaps taking a break from your current living situation - if that's possible. Perhaps you have an understanding friend or family member who would be willing to let you just relax, and taper off of your medication for a couple of months and not judge you? If this isn't possible, you're going to have to just endure this period of your life, and slowly taper the meds.

Good luck, and stay in touch as you reduce your medication dosages.

July 7, 2015

Faith, you have these options. It's your decision what you want to do:

1. Stay on the drugs and deal with the side effects.

2. Find a doctor who will take responsibility for deciding what to taper and how much.

3. Go to the hospital and let them make the decisions.

4. Manage tapering off the drugs yourself.

Which do you want to do?

July 7, 2015

I cannot find another dr. because i cannot function. I am trying to do it with your help and with the dr that i have. Why do you recommend the drop every 4 days?

July 7, 2015

Faith , I can help you to keep track of the buspirone decreases if you want.

How long have you been on the current dose for?

Many thanks for posting the wordpress link.

July 7, 2015

I cannot find another dr. because i cannot function. I am trying to do it with your help and with the dr that i have. Why do you recommend the drop every 4 days?

You say you can't function but you can turn your computer on, sign in to this website, and reply to people's messages on a daily basis. There are some people here who truly cannot function that can't even do that. I don't think you are telling us the whole story. Why don't you want to reduce your meds?

July 7, 2015

Jhonson, i am telling you all the story. What do you mean by that?it is probably that I do not know how to express myself correctly because of the way my brain functions.

I feel i am being so harshly judged by everybody . It s like everybody hates me. Maybe nobody in here has no clue of what state i am in when I write.....

It s not fair to be treated like that. I must have been fine at some point because i have two healthy children and tons of photos I have taken many meds probably along the years and the horrific reactions to them and to their more horific withdrawals from which my brain has not recovered yet! It is not only these drugs i am sure..... And the Withdrawal CT from valium destroyed my brain i should have died.

It is not fair to think like that about me and even if i come here and say how i feel i am not telling you all because it is undescribable

July 7, 2015

No I do not turn on my computer i have my I phone that I use from bed that i don t even know how to use well again because of my condition.

You do not need to write anything for me Jhonson

Thank you

July 7, 2015

And i do not sign in because i do not know how, i am always on i just put off my i phone

I don t deserve this as i am almost there of killing myself every single second i thought people care but nobody cares, absolutely nobody

July 7, 2015

We all care about you Faith and want to see you get better. But for that to happen you have to reduce your meds.

July 7, 2015

What if it gets worse Blu?

July 7, 2015

It has to get better because you're feeling bad right now because you're taking so many drugs at the same time.

July 7, 2015

Because i am not "stable". my mental status changes from moment to moment, the twiching, i cannot speak at all what if the akathisia and the psychosis or depersonalization, the neck twiches agression everything gets worse? I don t want to get back to the hospital God! My system is very very sensitive and my mind and body are out of control

July 7, 2015

I pray you are right, but it is not only these drugs there is damage from before too

And i WANT to get off these drugs but I don t know how fast is too fast ?

July 7, 2015

OK, what do you think would be the best thing to do now?

July 7, 2015

I don t know Blu. I just dropped another 1/4from Buspar right now. God help me and everybody else. Blu I don t realize what is happening to me. Now i am weak and so tired glued to the bed sensations of worms in my head,absent like next i might be up and irritable or pace or whatever my brain choses to do..., a few moments ago i was crying so bad i think i can t really remember it and it stopped.

I wish i could help you with kind words Blu or anything. Blessings Blu

July 7, 2015

Even if the "healthiest" person in the world took only half of the drugs you are taking they would be completely bed ridden and maybe even worse.

In your case withdrawal is much less of a risk than awful side effects and interactions that those drugs are causing you.

You are bed ridden and have all those symptoms because of the number of drugs you are taking. There is no other mystery.

That's why we are advising reducing them as quickly as possible.

Even those of us who are on much less drugs have seen our symptoms decrease as we lower the drugs.

July 7, 2015

My heart is racing and racing then it stops for some and starts again jaws head neck start tightening up bad all my body tortured hard to breathe try to gasp for air like attacks of some kind and face hurts so bad teeth soo sharp feels like dying

July 7, 2015

I am dropping the Buspar.Got another 1/4 out. God i have one attack after another

July 7, 2015

I think the Buspar withdrawal is to fast as my attacks are getting worse and more often

July 7, 2015

This is a good start. Altostrata mentioned earlier in your thread that considering the amount of drugs you are taking, a fairly rapid taper off of some of them may be called for here. You may very well have some withdrawals as you reduce your dosages, BUT you are also eliminating potentially dangerous drug interactions simultaneously. You're also allowing your brain to heal.

If you think your attacks are getting worse and more frequent, that's only temporary. Once you get off the activating drugs, your attacks will probably go away. You're taking a LOT of sedatives. You're taking so many activating drugs that they're actually countering the remarkable sedative effects of 3mg of clonopin and all the other calming drugs. Try to keep some of these things in mind.

It looks like the advice on this thread was to reduce your dose every 4 days.

You're going to be OK, this will end if you take action and reduce your medication doses.

Faithbarelysurviving: Too damaged?

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