☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

tried to find some lactium tonight, the gnc website had it but the stores did not. bought some alimentum baby formula and added it to a cup of warm milk. I fell asleep with computer on my lap. woke up, laid comp aside and lay down and the cortisol surge began in earnest. now sitting up with my second cup of milk and same thing is happening. i don't want to break my computer.

 

this will pass? my body will not break apart from lack of sleep and all this tension inside?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

3 am. chugging mag all night. milk again. still suffering.

[Petunia]

I'm sorry you are still awake and suffering, who ever thought at our age we would be drinking warm milk on a regular basis?  I've had another awful day, just gone 5pm on the west coast of Australia and I'm starting to feel a bit better.

 

I hope you get some sleep soon, or at least are able to relax and feel calmer.  I had a lot of nights like that, it does get better.  Is there any way you could put your computer at the side of you, rather than on your lap so that if you do fall asleep, you don't have to worry about it getting broken.

 

I have my laptop on the bed at the side of me and mouse on a firm pillow at the side of that.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

hi Petu, another cortisol surge, must have catnapped. drinking mag water all night, no effect yet.. have computer on small table now but had to turn it off,  sick to stomach. have to prop myself up on pillows, cannot lie down, i don't have any tolerance for this pain.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

cannot drink any more mag water, sick to stomach. this is agony and i am sorry for anyone who ever goes through this. have a vise around my chest.

[bubble]

great pic!

[bubble]

i'm sorry,don't really know what happened:I saw a picture of 2 surfing ladies riding waves so replied to that...

 

Sending you lots of positive energy and a hope for relief.

 

Bubble

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

thanks bubble. i hope i feel better too. this is awful and I don't know what to do as nothing is working. why isn't the magnesium working? I am even using a spray

[bubble]

I wish I knew...I read a lot of your posts here and see that this awful wave has been going on and on.

 

but you also made some very important realisations such as that exploring buddhism distracted you from self-care.My boyfriend often tells me about mantra from his recovery program:get out of your head and into your body.

 

I'm home sick with viral infection (don't think it's withdrawal related,at least not directly;) and reading a great book called The Antidote-happiness for people who can't stand positive thinking.Very insightful and entertaining at the same time but might not be so for someone swept by harsh cortisol winds...

 

i also liked your reference to meditation. i started a 5-day art of living course and after day 3 and an intense kriya developed a fever...interesting.

 

For you I'm now thinking about focusing again on diet like you so nicely described it in one post. It might be trivial and i rarely watch it,but dr. Oz recommended an orange for anxiety. How about putting magnesium out of focus and have an orange?

 

My common sense tells me magnesium can't do much on its own not supported by other nutrients.It's a vicious circle since one of the symptoms is extreme difficulty to cook, as i well experienced myself recently. If only you could slowly boost your appetite,ask your mom to cook for you again:complex carbs,vegetables,turkey,salmon...

 

Or for a start ask your body what it would like to eat.Louise Hay comes to my mind despite her cheesiness.when i was awfully unwell i started reading one of her book out of despair and that gentle care for oneself flooded me,I was deeply impressed by that realisation and the inner child concept.

 

If it's not too silly,nurture your inner child,ask it what it would like to eat (hope it's not pizza or ice-cream;)

 

i look forward to reading you!

 

Bubble from her window which will open to you before long

 

xo

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

oh bubble, what a sweet note!

 

I despair of ever loving myself. i have tried all of my life to escape everything about me and in this wave of withdrawal I am stuck with myself. instead of loving and befriending my inner child i feel like I have indulged myself my whole life and always took the easy way out. my inner child wanted pizza and ice cream and that is what I gave her before this wave descended. my appetite was non existent and who knows whether it was from too much trying at meditation and living in my head but everything came crashing down. I have all of the awful neuro thoughts right now.

 

the tinnitus is a high pitched whistle and my heart is palpitating a lot. I finally found some Lactium! at the health food store. Someone realized it was in a children's supplement called 'warm milk'. I've taken some and still drinking the mg. feel just a little bit better. not needing to jump out of skin but head is really throbbing.

[bubble]

i'm glad you are a bit better!

 

And it's never too late for anything

 

the realisation is the starting point...supplements are not enough...when a friend bought me Louise Hay Happiness for birthday I just saw the front page and thought how she could've chosen something like that for me...

 

I didn't open it for years and then in the middle of severe panic attacks I just looked for it and it touched me...

[mammaP]

Hi CW, glad you are feeling a little better, even just a teeny bit better is good.

Maybe the mag is a bit too much? I started taking it but have had to cut it back a little because of tummy

problems. Cramps and bloating  with pain I haven't had before. I haven't had any today and it's settling down

so will half the amount tomorrow. I think it has helped but maybe had just a bit too much. It's all trial and error, 

what works for one will be too much for another and not enough for someone else. 

 

I once wrote a short story, many years ago. I'll see if I can remember it. 

 

It was about a bully, calling someone names and being cruel. She would taunt her victim, call her a fat b****

a lazy bone idle ugly ***. Every time she saw her victim she would sneer at her and tell her she hated her,

told her how useless she was and how much better the whole world would be if only the victim wasn't around

 

To cut the long story short, the bully and the victim were the same person. Many of us in depression hate ourselves

so much and actually say all those things to ourselves in the mirror. I know I did, and still do sometimes. But you know what?

you are such a kind person and I'm sure would never say that to someone else, so try to be kind to yourself a little, Ypu might

not say those same things to yourself, but you don't seem to have any self esteem or self worth. 

It will come back, but try to be kind to yourself in the meantime, you deserve some kindness. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I actually went to a talk Louise gave when I lived in San Diego. It was very moving, she did a healing type of thing for an aids man. I tried to work with the concepts but they did not work for me. things just kept happening and no way to make any progress. I gave up.

 

Feeling a bit drowsier an hour ago so I thought I'd try for a nap. Nothing doing - the anxiety started right up the moment my head hit the pillow. Seems as though I can catnap while sitting up but lying down is frightening. I am afraid to relax. If deep relaxation via meditation caused this, how am I going to get out of it? I am making myself sick over wanting to sleep and for these odd sensations to go away (my head is throbbing, scalp tingles, inner vibration, palpitations). falling asleep at the computer and jerking awake. i want sleep so very badly. but sleep doesn't want me it seems.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mammaP, you must have been posting while I was composing. I think I am just going to give up on the mag. my stomach is really churning and the runs have started again. It helped a few days ago then it stopped. I give up. I think I'll make some coffee. Stopped abruptly when this started some days ago. I am convinced I am going to die of some horrible disease anyway. I think I will just make sure I am fully clothed at all times so the emergency people won't be offended. My coffee is ready, I am going to sip some and re-read your post to me and try to figure out why i cannot seem to find anything to love myself for. All that talking about my dad with my mother stirred up a huge wound. I have felt for years that I did something when I was little to make my parents not love me. But they would never tell me what I did. Mom says I did nothing, how do I make myself believe that? It was very clear from her revelations of life with my dad that they did not have an easy time and he was a difficult person because of the way he grew up.

 

Is this the sort of thing that I am supposed to put in a journal? Write my thoughts down and then never look at them or else torture myself to death with them? How in the world do I get 'out of my head' and into 'my body' which has become a place that I hate because it won't do what I want it to? I don't want to keep cancelling work because I am terrified of leaving home when the inner tension becomes so high. Everywhere I look I see an insurmountable mess.

 

 

you are such a kind person and I'm sure would never say that to someone else, so try to be kind to yourself a little

 

but you are wrong. I hear ugly thoughts and judgements about others in my head constantly! That's why I think I am not worthy of living. My dad was very judgmental and I'd often cringe at the things he would say about others, same stuff goes on in my head and I hate myself for it. I read the threads here and cannot think of anything supportive to say because I don't know how! How do I teach myself to be supportive of others instead of running away in fear and confusion?

 

I wanted so much to have meditation save me from depression. I was so good at becoming deeply relaxed (I'm a high achiever still!) that I seem to have caused a paradoxical reaction. The info was on giak's blog, I am sure I read it and had no clue. But really??? Or was it just my time to develop a little humility and compassion for my fellow sufferers here. I had pretty much boxed myself in with all of the things I stopped doing because I was afraid. Afraid of pushing myself and bringing on a relapse. But it happened anyway. Twice. Beginning of summer and then now.

 

Finished my coffee, head is not so throbby. Had a good cry while writing this. I don't know what it means to be kind to myself. How do I DO that? Talk to myself?

[mammaP]

I think we all have thoughts about other people we don't like very much, people who get on the nerves and you want to 

throttle them, but don't.  It's that line between thinking and doing I suppose,  I have a problem with someone who has hurt

my family, and I feel bad about thinking some of the things I do, but I would never say them to her. I guess you wouldn't 

say those things that you are thinking? I'm sorry if my little story has upset you, It wasn't what I intended. Sometimes I 

click send before I've thought it through properly. I call it 'foot in mouth disorder'! 

 

You are suffering terribly and have had it hard,I don't know how it all gets stirred up like it does but withdrawal and

depression are   terrible for taking us back to old traumas. 

I really am sorry, I think you are a kind and thoughtful person who is suffering cruelly and don't deserve this. 

One thing I am certain of is that as a child you were not responsible for how your parents acted or what they did. It

was not your fault. I  wish I could give you a hug. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

mammaP, your story didn't upset me. I have been rude and abrupt towards people I have not liked and I am feeling the pain of being that way and very sorry to have acted so unthinkingly and uncaringly in the past. I would never say the things I am thinking to people, I have tried very hard to be more gentle and accepting. Even to rude drivers. Used to have horrible road rage.

 

I feel better that you have taken time to reply in my thread. My mom keeps reminding me of all that I have accomplished because I am not seeing it right now. And you are right, my parents did a remarkable job but they had problems of their own and I picked up a lot of my dad's behaviors. I guess right now I am wallowing in having been a sensitive child because the wd emotions have zapped me terribly and I want to roll over and give up instead of fighting or just hanging on. Since I can't fight back very well right now (I have been utterly terrified by my weird thoughts) maybe the kindest thing to do is accept that I am coping the best I can, crying a lot of tears and cancelling work because I am afraid if the anxiety hitting me and being trapped.

 

I don't know how I will be able to resolve the anxiety at falling asleep thing. Perhaps I will try your sleep deprivation method, like tell myself that I will just stay awake instead of trying to lie down and scare myself. If I have to log on and post here during the night then that is what I will do.

 

You didn't do foot in mouth, your story was what I needed even if I didn't want to hear it. I am so very uncomfortable with my dark side right now.

[Petunia]

I just read through your recent posts and feel so bad for you.  Not only are you going through all the physical stuff of withdrawal, but seem to have been plunged into working with old psychological wounds, things from childhood.  That kind of personal growth work is grueling and exhausting by itself.

 

I want to tell you to just forget all that for now, just take care of yourself the best you can, eat well, rest, do things you enjoy.  But if you can't ignore the 'self improvement' urge for now, I might be able to respond to a couple of things you wrote.

 

We all have a dark side, or 'our shadow'.  Its all the parts of ourselves which we learn are unacceptable through the interactions we have with our parents and teachers etc while growing up.  All aspects of who we really are, are natural and normal, but we learn that often its not 'safe' to express certain aspects, so we repress them and they get stored in our subconscious, we hide them away even from ourselves.

 

Here's a video which explains it better than I can. (I'm not recommending the program though)

 

 

I have been rude and abrupt towards people I have not liked and I am feeling the pain of being that way and very sorry to have acted so unthinkingly and uncaringly in the past. I would never say the things I am thinking to people, I have tried very hard to be more gentle and accepting. Even to rude drivers. Used to have horrible road rage.

 

I think that the reason you may have acted this way (but don't any more) is because you were still very much unaware of your shadow side, which is how it works.

 

I hear ugly thoughts and judgements about others in my head constantly! That's why I think I am not worthy of living. My dad was very judgmental and I'd often cringe at the things he would say about others, same stuff goes on in my head and I hate myself for it.

 

 

I don't know what it means to be kind to myself. How do I DO that? Talk to myself?

It sounds like you are now becoming aware of your shadow side, which is good, this is the first stage of shadow work.  We can't work with something we are not aware of.  Noticing the connection between the way your dad acted and your own thoughts is a good insight.

 

If I'm understanding it right, the way shadow material works is that we find ourselves critical of traits in other people, which we have repressed in ourselves.  In other words, through some event in our childhood, we cut off a part of who we were, and buried it.  When we see that trait in another person, it triggers a critical response in us.

 

One way of being kind to yourself is by not judging yourself harshly for the way you are.  We all do the best we can with what we know in our circumstances.  You have a right to be exactly the way you are.  Your wanting to be a 'better person' is evidence of your inherent goodness.

 

I think we all have thoughts about other people we don't like very much, people who get on the nerves and you want to 

throttle them, but don't.  It's that line between thinking and doing I suppose,

 

Its much easier to control behavior and not act on our emotional impulses if we can become aware of more parts of ourselves and accept them

 

 

 I am so very uncomfortable with my dark side right now.

 

Thats not surprising at all.  The very reason we all bury our 'dark sides' in the first place is because they feel so uncomfortable.  The messages we got about them made us feel bad... ashamed.

 

Perhaps you are becoming more aware of deeper aspects of your self, asking questions, talking with your Mom, digging up the past.  For whatever reason, this drive towards personal evolution seems to have woken up in you, not at a very convenient time though.

 

I'm sure you will start to feel better when your sleep improves, which it will when this wave passes.

 

(hugs)

 

 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

thanks for your gentle and welcome words, Petu. You are right to advise me not to attempt any more 'self improvement' projects, I just cannot handle what has already come up' or I should say I am handling what has come up and not dwelling on it too much. It is hard because I have no visions of a good future, seems neuro emotions have taken hold there.

 

I slept slightly better last night and I made myself lie down to do it and gritted my teeth through the anxiety. I just now had to finally get up because the cortisol surge won't let me lie still.

 

I am not going to dig around in my past anymore. Mom even told me to stop it. Can't help the memories coming though, I just try to keep them moving along so I don't dwell on any one thing. I'd like to be able to settle my mind with sleep. Maybe tonight I'll get more.

[mammaP]

That was a lovely post Petu, and has given me some things to think about too. 

 

CW I am so relieved that I didn't upset you, you are struggling so hard and I'd hate

to make things worse.  My sleep deprivation works for me but I only ever do that for 1 NIGHT

when the insomnia has gone on for a few days. I am a chronic insomniac and survive on very

little sleep anyway, that 1 night can just settle things back to getting 3 hours instead of 1-2. or

none at all.  It may work for you too but please don't try it too many nights I'd hate for it to make

you even worse.  

 

All things are transient, this wave will pass one day and I hope it is very soon. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks mammaP. I was not able to stay awake though I tried. Kept nodding off over the comp till I turned it off. I never knew what a blessing it was that I was able to sleep so well up till this started. The physicality of it is what is so overwhelming and upsetting. I feel too awake, I feel and hear sensations in my head and I don't want to. I feel my heart thumping a lot. My breath feels funny and my skin feels sort of numb, almost like the feeling the inderal gave me and which I did not like. I don't like being aware like this - I always thought I wanted to be and I practiced it with the meditation. But I'm ashamed to admit I don't like it one bit. I see an empty stretch of days trapped inside a weird feeling body craving sleep for some distraction so I can stop feeling the weirdness.

 

I relaxed too deeply into myself and became aware of how much of my life I am upset about, all those memories. If I try to practice mindfulness, accepting this moment as all there is, I am profoundly upset, life will not get better and this is all there is and I can't feel any joy or enjoyment of it, only dread and fear. I used to be able to find something to keep me going. This is the worst thing about these neuro emotions in these waves - the lack of hope and doing everything with out enjoyment. Forcing myself to eat, to walk the dog, to do anything else except sit in bed in front of the computer. Nodding off again.

 

Petu and mammaP, thanks for your continued supportive comments. You have no idea what it means to me. I understand so much more now when I read people's threads.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

My girlfriend and her SIL (who is on zoloft) have been trying to get the gf's husband some help for his deteriorating behavior. Starting to want to drink a lot and wanting to quit his job because he hates it. Talked to her today and she says he could only take 3 zoloft before he quit because they made him nauseated. She called me today and now he has been started on 30 mg cymbalta. I could say nothing except to remind her that if he ever needs to come off it in the future, he must taper slowly. She sounded alarmed when I told her how high a dose I had been on. I just couldn't say a word. He tried talk therapy and gave it up after the company provided sessions ran out.

 

My neuro emotions are really bad today. I see where I have been fooling myself for a long time that my life was going to turn around. I was sort of ok this morning then started to feel bad again. can't get relief from sleep. just sitting here jiggling my foot. i'm trying to hang on. I hope this lets up a bit...

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yesterday was nearly jumping out of my skin and decided to go to my volunteer job anyway though I said I wasn't. She was surprised but glad to see me. Got lots of support for it being ok that I was severely upset (severe DP/DR is how it felt). Stomach was cramping with anxiety, I managed to start a project she needed done, I pushed hard through it and got most of it straightened out. Came home, still very agitated and realized I had not had any mg water all day so I mixed some upo and started feeling a little better (I'm using 'calm' powder). I am falling asleep at the keyboard again....

[mammaP]

I'm glad you managed to go to your job, the people sound lovely and supportive.

If your eyes are closing, let them, any sleep is better than no sleep. I hope you

have a better day today. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I hope so too mammaP. I was doing better after I got home and got some magnesium and through the evening actually felt a whole lot less anxious. I did some searching for vagus nerve stimulation and found a yootoob vid that put me to sleep sitting up.

 

I don't know how to embed the video so I'll just post a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoQB-tNSqJg

 

I found another site about something called 'ee breathing' and I practiced that a little. Was surprised that I was relaxed enough to fall asleep about 10p. Slept very lightly, woke about every hour but felt ok. The worst started at 430am, the horrible thoughts, and it was brutal. Finally got out of bed at 630am and went to feed the dog.

 

My thoughts are of all of the suffering that might befall me. I realized later that I am afraid to do anything anymore. I am afraid of living, of doing anything. Ah lightbulb moment, I am in this: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2873-anhedonia-apathy-demotivation/.

 

I have always had the notion that I was special in some way, that I was spared the awfulness of AD withdrawal. Nope, I've got it in spades right now, I understand what everyone has been saying about it. And I am just as scared as everyone else that it will never go away no matter how hard I try to take care of myself. I feel doomed. Meditation is not going to save me from this. I just needed to vent (and bare my soul about the 'feeling special' thing).

[bubble]

i'm glad u feel special because you are!

 

We all are

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Aw Bubble, that was sweet of you to say and I am so glad when you post in my thread. But I meant 'special' in a not so good way, I have always had a problem with that (my dad again ). I have no idea where he got this or why he did it but he used to point out people and say 'they were doing 'it' wrong', whatever 'it' was. And then say "Not like you and I, we know the right way to do things". Trouble is, the 'right' way was 'his' way and of course I had to always agree with him. Believe me, as a kid, I learned what it was like if I attempted to disagree with him so I gave up. Tried a few times as an adult to discuss an alternate point of view about why people might do the things they do. He'd have none of it and just shut up and let him think he was right. Well, no more about him - I've made myself a promise not to try to get involved in healing my 'family trauma'. If something comes up, like an insight, then that's fine but I am not going to search for trauma to heal. I can't deal with the emotional fallout.

 

So the 'feeling special' was along the lines of me feeling so well for so long and wondering why others talked of such rough times. I just didn't understand what it was like until it happened to me. NOW I get it and the horror of it. I am very humbled  and I think all of YOU are special for what you have lived and are living through. Not me, I am a coward.

 

I have a wonderfully supportive friend and I was at her house today to try to groom her dog. I have such a fear of getting back to that work but she assured me that even if i could just do the feet, all would be well. I would be safe if I broke down and close to home if I needed to run. She made me lunch and I tried to describe my particular symptoms to her and as I talked she pointed out to me that I was very upset at how my body was reacting and that I had no control over it. I realized that to be true. I have been thinking of my body with horror and aversion, I am not 'me' inside it anywhere, I don't know where 'me' is. She says that if I didn't tell anyone, it does not show. How odd that seems to me. I feel shaky and unsure of myself, not self assured and smart. She says I may not ever be the same person anymore and I know she is right. I don't know what to do with this strange body, these disordered emotions, alarming thoughts. Afraid I'll eat the wrong thing or take the wrong supplement, its so not clear what impacts what.

 

Anyhow, I got the dog half done and I had a moment of panic where I had to stop and sit down, my stomach was writhing in agony. I put my hands up under my shirt and wrapped my arms around myself and just sat there and all of a sudden realized I was sleepy. And felt a welcome few moments of calm. I am way out of shape for even that mild exertion. I'll probably finish the dog tomorrow, she had to go meet another friend so I came home.

 

Feeling ok right now but can already feel anxiety might ramp up if I start thinking about bedtime and the dreaded 4:30 am hour. I am going to cover the clock. I have to constantly watch where my thoughts land.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

something I noticed yesterday was the smell of the dog shampoo. And coming back to the house certain times of the day, I could smell it. Had no idea the weird feeling of the air in my nose was because my sense of taste and smell must have gone away when this started and it is now coming back a bit.

 

this morning's cortisol wake up came at around 230 and it was brutal. in addition to my gut hurting intensely and waking me up, my hind end muscles hurt, an intense wave of pain. But I realized that I had been sleeping and that was good. I nearly ran in and woke my mother but somehow was able to hang on and not lose my mind, It happened once again and during the pain I smelled a sweet odor and sensed I had been sleeping again.

 

it's 630, got up and took a hot shower and used the magnesium spray. drank some warm milk and chewed a couple of the lactium tablets. I'd like more sleep.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I know why my hips hurt so much this morning, it was from all of the standing I did for the dog groom. I am weak and out of shape. Very black thoughts this morning, I have no hope at all. Getting through the rest of my life seems like an insurmountable task. I am glad I found this place because I know what is wrong with me right now. I just feel so powerless to change it. How odd it is that I seem to have gotten a little more and better sleep last night but now have the blackest thoughts I ever remember having.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I just read the entire thread on neuro-emotions and am feeling a tiny bit of relief that what I am experiencing is likely due to them. I forced myself out for a short walk, washed all the dishes and am going to go and see if I can finish the dog groom I started. I noticed that my mom's cat (who always stays in her room) threw up in the middle of the night and I did not hear it. So I did get some deep sleep last night and was able to do it lying down. Next thing I need to do is hunt up the withdrawal symptom checklist and start using it to rate my symptoms daily instead of relying on memory. I bought a composition notebook yesterday and will try keeping a journal.

 

Just the small amount of activity this morning has helped calm me down a bit. I find myself worrying about how I will get through the 3 grooms I have this week but I am going to refuse to think about things until it is actually time to do them and see what happens. I had a few sips of watered down coffee this morning. I may have had some caffeine withdrawal mixed in with my other symptoms.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

spent most of yesterday with my friend and finished the dog. she helped me with some of my life issues and after talking to her I realized that I had only been thiinking I was well this whole time when in reality I really was not, since at least the beginning of summer when I started the painting.

 

have no idea when I was woken up in a hot sweat and cortisol surge and think I may have gotten some sleep. I am by turns hot then cold but it is hard to tell because my temperature sensing is off. I also realize that my sense of smell is coming back, didn't know it had left. My friend said no wonder I had no appetite.

 

Hard to maintain good thoughts right now.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

this will probably be a long disjointed post but I want to write down some of the symptoms I have been having. a lot of these have been occurring off and on since I have been here and would have been signs for me had I been able to figure them out, that I have not been well at all.

 

ears - like I can feel eardrums move in response to sounds sometimes

tinnitus - got louder and more high pitched

stools turned light tan - this is either from magnesium citrate liquid (using 'calm') or else metabolic due to cortisol dumping

scalp muscles feel like they are 'crawling', will contract and release in odd areas, top of head burns

left eyelid swelling off and on, never really goes away (this is first odd symptom that preceded this wave)

left eyebrow remains arched up at side of face and eyeball hurt when it moved initially, has gone away now

muscles of face are stiff, nose feels funny

lost sense of taste and smell, is coming back gradually, air felt really funny in my nose for a long time

temperature sense is off - don't know if I am hot or cold and keep looking at thermostat to see if I should be

explosive waking up from cortisol dump at night when my body gets too hot, scalding feeling of sweat

body feels kinda numb all over and inside too

ache in mid back and feel like I have a band around my ribs and can't breathe deeply

palpitations that start and stop unpredictably and are scary sometimes as I feel them mostly at my abdominal aorta, center of breastbone hurts

lump in my throat sometimes later in the day

no appetite, have to force food

 

all this in addition to anhedonia, apathy demotivation, dp/dr and huge neuro emotions, all negative

 

anxiety that increased over time for no reason, this started especially when I started meditation class. I should have seen this as a symptom that something was unstable.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I did a groom yesterday and some nails. very supportive friends. Low key and not too stressful.Unlike today, did 2 that were hard to control. appalled that I did such a poor job but was ok with owner, she just needed the hair off. surprised I made it through 2. Just went through the 3 worst hours of agony from cortisol. Lightbulb moment: too much stress work today on dogs. The only relief i got was when I sat up slumped forward on a high stack of pillows that I piled in my lap. just now woke up and the biggest part of cortisol pain seems to have abated. has anyone else ever done this? not seen this mentioned anywhere. what would slumping forward do?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

reading back through my thread to see if i can make sense of this wave. i notice that I have had very many 'flights of fancy' and a lot of weird thinking. it is no wonder that I have had this relapse. I can see the subtle signs of when I mention anxiety starting up. All through the summer, up until a week ago, I was still able to sleep.

 

Last night slept very little and right now am falling asleep sitting at the computer. if I were to get into bed i would be wide awake and the symptoms would start right up again, the palpitations, gut anxiety, back pain. I wonder if I can get enough rest this way. last night I spent most of the night sitting up. too sleepy right now to finish this post.

[Altostrata]

Forward bends relieve stress on the lower back. You might want to make this part of a regular stretching routine.

 

The sleep pattern seems paradoxical: You sleep in the presence of more light stimulation. Deeper sleep causes an alerting reaction. This isn't unusual for withdrawal insomnia.

 

For the time being, you might want to have some light in your bedroom -- not a lot -- see how that works.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for the note, Alto. I would have never figured out the light thing myself. I have no real idea what to do about the sleep thing. I am not getting enough and the hours after supper either sitting or on the computer (I cannot read for some reason) have me getting drowsy and I will nod off with out realizing it. I don't want to go to bed to early so I make myself stay awake and then the '2nd wind' thing kicks in I think.

 

The back pain is the tight band around the ribs when the cortisol kicks in. If I take the computer off my lap, like last night, I woke up at some time during the night, in the easy chair and my head was bent all the way to my knees. I untangled myself and crawled into bed but had a rough time of it. I finally fell asleep again.

 

I have lost all of my self confidence.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yesterday went for a ride with my friend. At one point I felt the internal tension rise inside me to the point where I cried out 'oh god'. I managed to hang on and it finally subsided to a point way lower than it has been for this current period. I started to feel much calmer the rest of the afternoon and did not nod off in my chair during the evening like I had been doing. I did have a bit of a struggle falling asleep but I guess I did because I woke up and it was 4:00 am. I lay in bed till 6 then got up. I did some chores and ate a bit and now I am sitting here in front of the puter and starting to nod off again and the anxiety is starting to simmer.

 

My sense of smell and taste have both returned and my eyebrow is no longer raised. I have the depressed thoughts tho

 

My stool is slowly turning to light brown but is still loose because of drinking the mag citrate. It occurred to me that the 'accident' I had the day I did eft for the first time was the early days of me becoming sick with this wave and not a release of some deep energy. It almost happened again while I was out for a walk.

 

One of the things that my mind is fixated on is the condition of the house. Ever since I read giak's article about how some of us on ADs stop taking care of ourselves and our homes, I've seen that it was true with me. This place looks completely dreadful and I see where I just stopped doing anything with it and never really noticed. Now I do and it is awful. No one's fault but my own. Always interested in my own projects and not wanting to bother. But my mom wasn't doing it, I was supposed to be the one. She never nagged. Never been a neat freak but don't think I was ever this bad.