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Prohealer

Prohealer: Hello, peoples opinions on my situation?

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Prohealer

Again, still struggling. I get so far but one word from my parents can set me back to square one again. Not that posting here is gonna do much for me other than let me write my thoughts.

 

Idk how im still going, my brain is such a blur i cant seem to gain the same kind of traction i could before

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KarenB

Journalling can be very therapeutic - either here or in your own journal.  I find it somehow works better if I write with pen and paper - no idea why! 

 

There are others here who are also waiting a long time for their healing to progress.  Maybe reading their threads will help you to feel less alone on your path.  And there's always BeyondMeds for inspiration.  You're already doing really well in terms of diet (just noticed it in your sig.) which is great.  Hang in there Prohealer, it really does get better.

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Prohealer

Thanks KarenB, i will definitely start a journal.

 

It's just crazy now, it's just all this stress of all these long lasting problems (some I havent posted on here) some unrelated to wd. Im now desperate for any kind of help cos im really sure ive reversed all my healing.. Life isnt giving me a break because id come to accept wd, i just wasnt expecting my situation to somehow become worse. Im so angry and upset

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Prohealer

Obviously I dont want to but i cant help but think of ending it all as my only option atm unless some of my problems disappear overnight, which is unlikely. Anyway hopefully i find the strength to do supportive things for my CNS etc. in the next few coming days...

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KarenB

Sometimes when we can't see the way out, we need to hold onto the fact that others can see it.  It's hard but sometimes it's all we have left.  I've had to do this a couple of times in my life, and I'm glad I did because each time I found my way to healing.  Once was last year in my w/d journey, once was during an emotionally desperate time a few years ago, and another was about 10 years ago and concerned my marriage. 

 

It's a strange way to live, being in that place where others are holding the hope for you.  It's kind of walking blindly, but trusting, continuing to put one foot in front of the other.  Then each time there came a point (not necessarily quickly) where I realised I'd left behind much of the despair and pain, and had re-found my own ability to be hopeful again.   

 

This is why we need community and we need relationships.  People just aren't designed to always carry such burdens alone.  Even a fairly tenuous relationship such as these on-line can provide a sense of being understood, and can let us know that there are others who do see there is healing ahead. 

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Happy2Heal

hold on Prohealer, even when it doesn't seem like it, our brains ARE healing.

I know how very hard it is to believe that, but they are.

even ppl who went cold turkey off a lot of heavy duty meds HEALED in time.

 

try saying to yourself, out loud even, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better"
 

or, this one I just found in a book on recovery, it sounds weird, but you are supposed to say this out loud: "Unconscious mind, I now allow you to do whatever you think is necessary for me to feel better."
 

I know that seems a bit lame, but I've been saying those things and even when I did not believe that I was getting better, I was.

Even if you don't think these things will help, it doesn't hurt to try them.  ;-)

 

you are healing and soon, you will be able to feel it and know it.

 

you've been so strong all this time, just keep going a little bit more. just take it one hour at a time.

You are almost where you want to be!!

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Altostrata

Prohealer, do you live with your parents? Is there trouble at home?

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JanCarol

Prohealer, it sounds like your situation / environment / circumstances are making a bump in your healing road.

 

But you have learned amazing skills from your withdrawal experience.

 

Imagine going through these things - whatever they are - without the skills you have now.  Surely you are better equipped to deal with this now, rather than the frightened young man who came here earlier this year.

 

It does get better, and you can do this.  (write it on your mirror, really.  catnapt was right about reprogramming our attitudes)

 

If you are still struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek local help.  Help for Those Who Are Feeling Desperate or Suicidal

 

And please let us know how you are going.

 

I hope you see the sun today. Here's a post GiaK (of BeyondMeds) wrote on SA about changing seasons:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/13212-fall-into-winter-a-time-of-contraction-httpsgoogljb33sp/?hl=seasonal

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Prohealer

Hi everybody and thanks for responding, you all give me hope .

 

It's a strange way to live, being in that place where others are holding the hope for you.  It's kind of walking blindly, but trusting, continuing to put one foot in front of the other.  Then each time there came a point (not necessarily quickly) where I realised I'd left behind much of the despair and pain, and had re-found my own ability to be hopeful again.

 

Yeah.. i completely agree.

I will hold on now though, i'm using every moment I feel a sense of hope to do something positive..

 

Prohealer, do you live with your parents? Is there trouble at home?

 

Hi Alto. Yes, my parents are divorced and I live with my my Mum but she came out of a long abusive relationship last year and suffering from that still. I have however just come to stay at my Dad's who is a little stabler for a few months to help me get some time away from my mother.

 

Imagine going through these things - whatever they are - without the skills you have now.  Surely you are better equipped to deal with this now, rather than the frightened young man who came here earlier this year.

 

You are right, I guess. It's still a struggle though and I just want a break. I'll post soon to let you all know how i'm getting on.

 

And I read GiaKs post back in November and I agree that the season is definitely having an effect on me right now. I have a SAD lamp on the way tomorrow so hopefully that will make a difference.

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JanCarol

That sounds like a good plan.

 

Take care with the SAD lamp - it works like a drug!

 

So taper it in gently, to find the right "dose" for you.

 

It matters, too, what time of day you take your light.  If you have cortisol spikes (shocking early awakenings with all your adrenaline firing) it will benefit you to wait a few hours after waking to take the light.

 

If you have trouble waking up, you can take your light first thing in the morning.

 

Also, you want it to be higher.  The receptors for light are best along the bottoms of our eyes - so have the light facing you but higher than you, to let the light in.

 

There's a bunch of stuff about light and dark, here:

http://psycheducation.org/treatment/bipolar-disorder-light-and-darkness/

http://psycheducation.org/treatment/bipolar-disorder-light-and-darkness/light-therapies-for-depression/chronotherapy/

keep in mind, this guy, an MD psychiatrist still believes in "diagnosis," but he does seek non-drug options, so he's not all bad.

 

I hope you see the sun today!

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Prohealer

Thanks for these tips. I'll be sure to implement them.

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AliG

I can't add much to all the good advice offered here except to say, that as someone who has been where you are now, purely as a result of the drugs that this is temporary.  You will eventually look back on this, as a stage you went through on the road to healing.

 

In the meantime, just keep going through the motions/actions of what you have to do moment by moment. This can add up to eventual recovery and a full life again. I know because I've lived it.  :)

You can do this.

Ali

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Prohealer

Thanks AliG i really hope so.

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Prohealer

Im feeling slightly better since being here at my Dads but I still find it incredibly hard not to catastrophise in the evening and i can get really hostile due to wd/frustration. But, Im still hanging on. Hopeing ill be able to regain my strength soon

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Prohealer

Doing really bad again. Cant go on much longer. This isnt even wd anymore just sheer frustration.

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scallywag

This process is frustrating, especially when we aren't experiencing a noticeable improvement. At those times, managing our thoughts becomes important. 
 
Have you looked at these discussion topics?
Change the channel - dealing with cognitive symptoms
Dealing with emotional spirals - also applies to thought spirals
Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms - also work for cognitive symptoms

 

If you've seen them, what techniques have you used that work for you?

If you haven't read the threads, please do so and then post here which tactics you're going to try.

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Chicago77

Hi skeeter, its fine i understand,

 

Im so grateful, i actually do have slight pain in my lower back funnily enough.

 

Im going to go back and ask to be referred onto a urologist, and Ill also look into a chiropractor. I now have pain in my perineum AND sciatic nerve.. :( Im really not sure whats going on but im hoping Itll all pass..

 

Im so fatigued so im going to rest and update later. Thanks again, ill read more when i can mentally cope

Prohealer, 

 

I have a some pain and unusual sensations with my sciatic nerve as well. I can feel it going from my lower back all the way down to my foot. It's so creepy! Has yours gone away?

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Prohealer

Just want to update. Still having a hard time... I needed a break from here for a while tho.

 

I now have PGAD after masturbating yesterday. I know i need to keep on going but this doesnt seem to be improving guys.. im getting symptoms left right and centre. Please need advice again. Will things still get better despite the fact im doing badly or is this is forever? I cant believe im stil going...

 

In so much discomfort and idk wht to do without setting something else off.

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Prohealer

If only i could do what i did to get better before i just waant suffocating

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Prohealer

Positive update: Hey guys i just want to say that ive been feeling a lot more positive and able to cope. I dont feel 100% (obviously) and i still have testicular pain but its far easier to cope with now im sure its wd.

 

I just want to thank you all so much for helping me through this unfairly difficult stage in my journey, i honestly didnt think id make it but ive found comfort again with my Dad. Im still having moments of badness but i think ill be able to find stability again. Im just praying that ill still get better though as i cannot afford to have this happen again, i think i just got tired of being strong and rushed myself back into normality with college etc.

 

Anyway my brain is a mush from all of this so im gonna get some needed rest

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Chicago77

I'm glad you are feeling better Prohealer! It's always nice to hear when someone has a positive update.  :)  Did you pain in your sciatic nerve ever go away?

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Flowers

So glad that you are feeling better and that being with your Dad is helping you.

 

I think it is human nature to try to be strong and fight anything that attacks our bodies - it's just survival instinct.

 

I have done some fighting against this myself but have come to the conclusion that the brain and body need rest when in WD. We need to relax in order to recover.

 

I am glad that you have found a good place to do this. It takes time but you will get better.

 

Best Wishes

 

Flowers xxx

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Prohealer

No, its unfortunately still with me Chicago77 but much less recurrent now and it doesnt bother me as much. Sorry i didnt respond to ur initial post, how is yours now?

 

Thank you Flowers. And yes, I agree. Im realising how much of a learning experience this all is but im now glad ive learned from this part of my journey. I think rushing back to college was the major factor in this.

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Chicago77

No, its unfortunately still with me Chicago77 but much less recurrent now and it doesnt bother me as much. Sorry i didnt respond to ur initial post, how is yours now?

 

Thank you Flowers. And yes, I agree. Im realising how much of a learning experience this all is but im now glad ive learned from this part of my journey. I think rushing back to college was the major factor in this.

Glad it's improving though! That's always a positive in my book! Mine is still present too, but it comes and goes now. Some of these symptoms are soooooo strange! 

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Prohealer

I'm glad yours seems to be coming and going too and they really are strange.

 

I think my panic stemmed from the fact that I felt I'd caused it though because I got it after trying myofascial therapy for my testicular pain and, in turn, it would be harder to get rid of. I forget sometimes how my CNS isn't able to take what healthy peoples can.

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Chicago77

Oh I know! We can't do what healthy can right now. Before all this I was running all the time and do spin classes. I tried jogging a little bit the other day and I was in soooooo much pain. My whole body was screaming for me to stop! 

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Prohealer

It's been a while since I last posted an update so I thought I'd revive my introduction now that Iv'e taken some time away and let you know how I'm getting on.

 

So Iv'e done a lot of growing as a person since my last few posts. I think towards the end of 2016 I got myself into a bit of a pickle catastrophizing my situation, but I hit a breaking point in about February 2016 and had a bit of an enlightenment experience. I started implementing mindfulness and meditation into my daily routine, a practise which has deepened as time has gone on.

 

On a physical level however I seem to be at my worst and continue to be getting worse. My legs feel incredibly "uncomfortable", a symptom that is very difficult to explain but could be very mild Akathisia, I seem to have developed mild dystonia in my neck, I developed severe insomnia in 2017 and my overall condition seems to be deteriorating.. but seeing as I don't feel there's a whole lot I can do (other than self care or go back on meds) I'm just going to take this on with grace and accept the present moment as it is until something changes which it undoubtedly will. I feel as though my struggle at the end of 2016 has something to do with it but who knows. Iv'e been reading about people getting worse and then turning a corner so I have a lot of hope that that is what I'm experiencing.

 

Iv'e been thinking; I started this wd journey when I was 17 (I'm now just about to turn 20), and I also feel my parents have been pretty neurotic for most of my life so I'm not surprised that I haven't been able to cope with this as well as some people could, but as I grow I feel i'm becoming more wise, resilient and better equipped at dealing with incredible hardships, and now I'm completely committed to life and finding a way to heal if possible.

 

Anyway, hope your'e all doing well.

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Prohealer

Sorry make that February 2017, not 2016.

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Prohealer

Just a quick update;

 

Guess I still feel like overall I'm getting worse but I'm having a few days and moments where I feel "okay"; a few weeks ago I had a whole day where I felt more able to be more social and come out of my room for example, I have some hope that things may change for the better yet. I guess on a less fortunate note though I took my mum to the hospital about a week ago due to her fainting and I feel like that's thrown me into a bad wave.

 

I'm also writing in a journal now, I feel that's something that Iv'e been quite reluctant to do for a long time but I'm doing that as and when I feel able to.

 

And I forgot to mention that I've been seeing a private functional doctor as of December and hes been helping me in finding ways to help me heal. His philosophy seems to be more on the side of a lot of supplements and a fairly strict regime (eg. exercise, sleep etc.). The regime is fine with me even though I sometimes stray away from it but I'm taking it slow with supplements as this site suggests. We did a blood test and apparently i'm low on Vitamin D so gonna work on finding ways to up that.

 

Maybe this post is a little disjointed, I feel it might be lol. I'm not entirely on the conscious side right now but I feel I'll likely feel better tomorrow morning after some sleep.

 

EDIT: Iv'e also started taking 0.25mg melatonin before bed to see if that will help me sleep. I guess iv'e seen some improvement. I tried upping the dose to 0.5mg for a couple of days and it seemed to have a paradoxical effect so lowered it back down to 0.25mg. Maybe I could find another way to aid my sleep because I find I don't stay asleep as opposed to have a problem with falling asleep.

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Gridley

The fact that you are having good moments and even a whole day is very encouraging and indicates you are healing.  The journaling is also great.

 

I would be careful regarding the functional doctor's recommendations regarding exercise and supplements.  Doctors of whatever stripe know little, if anything, about antidepressant withdrawal.

 

Regarding the supplements, you are wise to be wary of them.  While supplements might help those with undrugged brains, those of us in withdrawal have extremely sensitized nervous systems and supplements can have a counterproductive effect.  SA doesn't recommend any supplements except magnesium and omega fish oil.  Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system.

Please research all supplements first and only add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems. 
 
Regarding exercise, while some members, especially younger members, do strenuous exercise, many find it overstimulating and counterproductive to healing.  Many benefit from a gentle 30-minute walk in nature.
 
Good update, Prohealer.

 

 

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Prohealer

Hi Gridley, welcome to my intro,

 

Quote

The fact that you are having good moments and even a whole day is very encouraging and indicates you are healing.

 

I agree, even though it doesn't always feel that way, they give me some hope and relief.

 

And I agree about researching and adding the supplements one at a time, that was my plan. So far Iv'e agreed to slightly up my Magnesium and the only new one Iv'e agreed to start taking is the Melatonin at a very low dose. Next one might be probiotics but I want to wait a bit before I consider that.

 

And so far a walk is all i'm really doing regarding exercise,  I plan on making my walks longer every week or so unless they become counterproductive like you say. But I really enjoy them as they clear my mind and make me feel quite refreshed and connected with the healing force of nature.

 

Thank you.

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Gridley

Sound like a good plan, Prohealer.  

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Prohealer

Just thought I'd pop on for another update:

 

I still feel as though overall, I'm slowly deteriorating and it's becoming a little frightening as it seems to be becoming quite severe now. I'm really not quite sure why this is happening but I'm trying my best to continue to accept and really hope I turn a corner soon..

 

Regarding the regime, Iv'e not been following it as strictly as I was for the past few weeks but I'm planning on returning back to it soon.

Even though I think eating sugary or processed foods and constantly watching movies isn't the healthiest thing, It gives me time to escape for a while and I feel that can help me to cope a bit better.

Iv'e also decided not to add any of the new supplements for now but did try some highly diluted Bach rescue night to see if that would help me with my broken sleep but it ended up having a paradoxical effect. I'm gonna give it one more try though incase it was just a coincidence.

 

On a brighter note though, I bought the book "Recovery & Renewal" by Baylissa Frederick. I meant to buy it a couple of years ago but didn't get round to it. I honestly wish I had bought it earlier as It's such a great book and is a huge source of information and hope.

 

I'm off to sleep now (at 11:30am). I'm slowly trying to re-correct my body clock which seems to have me sleeping throughout the day and awake at night from time to time.

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SkyBlue
On 4/24/2018 at 5:13 AM, Prohealer said:

 

Iv'e also decided not to add any of the new supplements for now but did try some highly diluted Bach rescue night to see if that would help me with my broken sleep but it ended up having a paradoxical effect. 

 

On a brighter note though, I bought the book "Recovery & Renewal" by Baylissa Frederick. I meant to buy it a couple of years ago but didn't get round to it. I honestly wish I had bought it earlier as It's such a great book and is a huge source of information and hope.

 

Hi Pro, and thanks for the update. It sounds like you're really being proactive with healing and a good attitude despite your struggles. I see an overarching attitude of strength and hope in your writing. : ) 

 

I echo Gridley's words above about please using caution with any supplements other than magnesium and omega 3s/fish oil. 

 

I'm so glad you got Baylissa's book. It's really great, and I find it to be very non-triggering, with an overall theme of hope. Of course we all want WD to be over as quick as possible, but she gives hope that there *is* hope for healing.

 

You mentioned that you feel like you're taking a turn downward with symptoms. I hope things have gotten better, but please read about the Waves and Windows pattern -- it's very common for symptoms to be up and down. The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Some ideas for coping with withdrawal:

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Please let us know how you are doing, and hang in there. 

 

 

 

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Prohealer

Sorry for the incredibly late reply Sky. I like to take long breaks from visiting this site and being in “withdrawal land”, by focusing on other things.

Ive read about Windows and Waves but this doesnt really feel like as described. When I think back to a few months ago I remember feeling more well with less symptoms, when I think back even further I remember feeling even more well, this feels almost like a degenerative disorder.

I have a couple of theories as to why this might be happening. I know you didn't ask but I want to put them here to share.

I think think the breakdown I had at about seven months after my CT at the end of 2016 has triggered some sort of complication in withdrawal causing some kind of degenerative, autoimmune disease. I would get into severe tantrums often and would engage in a lot of drama as I was experiencing extreme bouts of anger.

My second theory is that because I was put on meds when I was 11 (until age 17), I've been on them during most of the time the brain develops. So I feel that now that iv'e come off, my brain is now continuing to develop in the correct way so to speak with the correct chemicals and no foreign ones (the brain is said to finish developing until around age 25). So I feel my brain is confused and is becoming less homeostatic as it grows, if that makes sense. Consider it like building a building with a solid, healthy foundation, then after a few years you start building using different materials, the building starts growing taller until the second materials are now taken away and we're back to using the original materials again. There's a large gap there now and we cant really go back and fix below anymore so as I have no choice but to keep building until it's done, the more weight is put on top, the more pressure that gap has to be put under and the building is now lopsided and not really effective as a building at all.

Either that or this really is still just withdrawal and ill turn a corner eventually but feels unlikely.

 

Of course I'm only speculating and I may be wrong but these seem like the most likely causes for my deterioration, at least to me.

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savinggrace

Gosh, this is a good question and an interesting theory. Basically, building a house on a shaky foundation?

 

i think the most important thing here may be that no matter what is going on, withdrawal or what you hypothesized, there really isn’t much you can do about it. Just like most of us here, we can’t undo what happened to us, but we can wait it out and ride out the tough days the best we can. What you  CAN do is take really good care of yourself in every single way possible...eating well, avoiding chemicals and other substances, exercising to tolerance, striving for the best sleep you can get, distracting yourself with things you can still enjoy (or try new things) and control stress as much as possible. Time is on your side. You are so young. You have every reason to believe that your brain will keep healing, and hopefully “catch up” to where it should be at your age. What comes to mind here is a child who is developmentally delayed but with the right environment and support, catches up at some point. That is what is going to happen to you Prohealer. It is tragic that this happened to you at such a young age but time is your friend. Patience, acceptance and time...

 

Grace

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