☼ alexjuice: About

[Barbarannamated]

I tried 2x to contribute to this without whining. Couldnt do it.

 

I love you guys.

[alexjuice]

I tried 2x to contribute to this without whining. Couldnt do it.

 

I love you guys.

 

You're not a whiner, Barb. You've actually been through a lot!

 

Love you too.

[alexjuice]

Update:

 

Breached 1,000 posts on survivingantidepressants.org! I've never been active in any forum to the tune of four figures. That I am feeling crummy right now, I take my activity here as healing activity.

 

I'd like to be feeling better still. I'd like to be hanging out in Westwood. But, for now, achieving the sleep will be the accomplishment,

[alexjuice]

I need some answers this week. Besides feeling crap, I have to address my hormonal problems.

 

Thing is there are multiple possibilities for my T atrophy. Could be related primary to other hormones (thyroid), could be due to infection outside GI (uro-genital), could be systemic yeast, could be blood flow problem due to pelvic musculature disorder, could be due to malnourishment from decreased calories and absorpbtion and, finally, could be autoimmune directly. Last is least likely.

 

Anyway the cause or combo of causes need to be isolated. This is really important to me. Beyond sex function and fertility, I am simply losing my marbles.

[Barbarannamated]

Might all have AI link? My marbles are going, too, so this is just a marbleless "just curious" question.

 

Hugs.

[alexjuice]

Might all have AI link?

 

I'm not sure what this means, Barb? Maybe I'm marble short already... Haha

[Barbarannamated]

Sorry.

 

I'm learning that there are over 100 autoimmune disorders identified. It seems that once antibodies are found, they proliferate. I have Autoimmune Polyendocrine Deficiency Syndrome Type 2 (Schmidt's) with Addison's newly diagnosed (similar to JFK). Also AI ovarian failure, liver... I dont know how AI thyroid is treated differently than non-AI thyroid, gonads, etc. Only wondering if autoimmunity underlies most of what you're experiencing. I believe there is a gluten link also.

 

My marbles are really on the fritz.

[alexjuice]

Yea, I mean I don't know. Could be.

 

I need some answers because there is one recommendated course for the autoimmune stuff. Basically, remove problem foods and try to heal GI, followed by therapies to rebalance function. Or medications and lifestyle changes to manage.

 

On the other hand, if the problem is due to current infection, then I need to eliminate the infection and get my body nourished without worrying so much about autoimmune stuff. Basically, my symptoms largely due to deprivation of nutrients.

 

I'm sorry about all the autoimmune stuff you're dealing with. I wish "they" knew what they were doing and could help us.

[Altostrata]

I vote for nutritional malabsorption. Seems most obvious.

[tezza]

Hi Alex, I hope you get relief sonn, I'm sorry you have and are still suffering so much. {{{hugs}}}

 

Love you,

 

Tezza

[alexjuice]

Hi Alex, I hope you get relief sonn, I'm sorry you have and are still suffering so much. {{{hugs}}}

 

Love you,

 

Tezza

 

Thanks so much tezza. Big hugs!

[alexjuice]

Okay. I'm just burned out.

 

Tired of stomach problems. If anyone is unaware, my stomach just stopped working, after a god damn drop in freaking valium last February. I used to could eat anything. I used to take 6/7 psych meds. I used to drink, smoke and eat junk food -- tons of junk food, cakes by the sheet. And I was fine. I was fat but I had a pink tongue and could digest and poop.

 

Thanks to this w/d stuff, I don't work no more.

 

I am McGyvering solutions to problems because professionals have ONLY harmed me since w/d started. I am going to screw up HUGE here sooner or later because I don't really know how to fix these problems. Maybe I already have. Damned if I do or damned if don't. Guess I'll take damned for doing.

 

Memory gets worse. Today I drove to Dr. Y office, in another section of town, for my appt with Dr. Caring. Marbles going.

[Barbarannamated]

Oh, Alex. {{HUGS}}

 

Im marbleless myself, so please forgive if covered... your adrenals..?? I understand that adrenal failure causes alot of GI symptoms like you are describing. I am at adrenal failure, but dont have the GI probs for some reason.

 

Just a thought.

And, btw, docs are perhaps LESS adept at treating adrenals than thyroid. The hospital did the challenge test, said "@ll ok". My endo saw only the 1st number (baseline) and dx Addisons /adrenal fatigue. Sorry again if reiterating. Trying to find my marbles.

 

NOT a highly scientific website, but may help.

 

http://www.drlam.com/articles/adrenalexhaustion.asp?page=1#Four%20Stages%20of%20Adrenal%20Fatigue

[alexjuice]

One of my big problems is stomach emptying. When my stomach isn't working (I've not used supplemental aides) I'll have higher blood sugar, close to diabetic levels. The simplest explanation is I've developed a prediabetic condition or diabetes itself in the last year or so but that by encouraging transit I've been artifically deflating my glucose levels.

 

Or it could just be w/d nonsense indicative of nothing at all.

[alexjuice]

Update:

 

I feel spacey. Remembering presents a challenge.

 

Big family challenge this week. My mother is having a foot or more of her colon removed after discovery of a precancerous growth. Surgery on Monday, she is expected to be in the hospital 2-5 days but with complications could be longer. (My dad had a colon surgery two years ago with an uncooperative recovery keeping him in the hospital 11 or 12 days)

 

Her recovery time will depend on her healing, but she will need assitance at home for atleast 1-2 weeks.

 

My sister is on break (she is a school counselor in New England) and is flying down because I can't take care of my mother alone. My sister, to be honest, is coming to help me as well as I've been more reliant on my mother in the last 6 weeks.

 

While my sister and I get along, it is stressful the idea of her return. This is about my mom, but I also want to take care of myself. There is the potential for all sorts of tough times. This is what happens when life becomes chronically unproductive, I guess -> From time to time other people's emergencies present themselves and I can neither help another nor really do a great job of providing for myself.

 

The stresses of late inspired me to put a post up about telephone support. As much as need aid, I want to listen to others, their days, struggles, etc. If you'd like to talk to someone, feel free to get in touch with me. You can send me a PM or go to http://alexejice.com or send me an email at alex at alexejice...

 

Alex

[Skyler]

While my sister and I get along, it is stressful the idea of her return. This is about my mom, but I also want to take care of myself. There is the potential for all sorts of tough times. This is what happens when life becomes chronically unproductive, I guess -> From time to time other people's emergencies present themselves and I can neither help another nor really do a great job of providing for myself.

Alex

 

Hi Alex, sorry to hear about your Mom. The response you describe sounds similar to what I've (and probably many others) dubbed the "Christmas" effect.. we tend to regress under stress and holidays and family illness qualify pretty much equally. Not at our best, but it will only be for two weeks. I hope you do better than I or otherwise, my thoughts are with you. Duh, I'm a virtual hug dud

 

I work on the phone.. so, like Nikki, after I'm off it's on the hook, but I do follow your blog. Good stuff!

[Nikki]

Hi Alex

 

Alex sometimes a family issue, such as illness, surgery, etc. can actually bring families together. I hope this will be the case. You never know.

 

I did go into your link, and I finally put a face to the posts

 

Alex after I finish working I stay off my phone. I am on it all the time. I may someday have to have it surgically removed from my ear

 

I think opening your heart like this is terrific and can produce healing.

 

There is something else to be honest. Even though we write about deep stuff on this site, there is a certain amount of, (I am not sure)distance, anonymity, safety? I don't know what the word is.

 

I do share from my heart and gut, but for me I prefer to write to all of you. Maybe it is an intimacy issue.

 

When I want to share things that I don't want to be seen here, I private message members.....

 

I am in other support groups where we sit in a circle and talk, deeply. I guess that is suffice for me.

 

You may up leading your own support group

[alexjuice]

Thanks for the hugs and support.

 

The phone thing I just put out there. I totally understand all the reasons and potential reasons why other people can't call me. Things are lousy, yes, but my original intention was more offering support. I am definitely not trying to put the posters on the spot... No worries. You guys are the best!

 

I totally get the anonymity part, too. I did not want to put my face o, goodness, videos of myself. I did because in the long run it will be beneficial, for me. I hope. And because I wanted to journal a bit and writing is way harder than talking. It's actually really nerve wracking to think there are videos of me and my picture attached to all of my personal stuff, sadness and dysfunction.

 

In the end, I hope it will be good for me. I have social anxiety, so the thought of being exposed or the center of attention... Very hard. Hopefully, this helps.

 

And anonymity, well, I have less of it, but I still have it. And somehow that makes me more comfortable. Alto knows my name, but otherwise im pretty unkown even here, The names attached to my profile, YouTube account, the domain registration... none of those are my real names. If someone from real life googles me, my real name, none of this part of my lifetime comes up. It's still scary to feel more exposed. Partially, probably because I just woke up and everything is scary right now.

 

I am getting anxious about my mom and feel like I am running out of time on some hormonal problems. I am doing the best I can and hoping for workable outcomes in the coming weeks (let's pray)... Thanks for all the support. I really am so appreciative of everyone.

 

Hope everyone is feeling okay today.

[tezza]

Hi Alex,

 

We all appreciate and love you. I'm so sorry you're having so many issues, struggles now and in the past. I can understand how you must feel distressed. I will be praying, too! I hope you find relief and soon.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Tezza

[Karma]

Hi Alex

 

I don't think you are running out of time, but I do hope you find some solutions, soon. I wish I was a professional and could guide you, but all I am is a patient who has refused to accept the standard answers and done some research.

 

The withdrawal component complicates possible solutions. I know that I'm dealing with that right now. It makes me angry when I change one thing that shouldn't result in any symptoms and it sends me over the edge.

 

Know that I do pray for you every day and I send you healing energy, love, light, strength and courage.

 

Karma

[alexjuice]

Thanks so much for your support, guys. Karma, I am glad for all your expertise and empathy, so special thanks.

 

Mom had surgery today. She is just now out. Got a text from my brother, she is okay and I heading to visit her. Hopefully recovery goes well and she is home soon.

 

Update:

I asked my thyroid doc to consider treatment targeted at lowering my reverse T3. Long story short. She wanted another lab.

 

Her office emailed labs today. Doc sees no need for treatment. Results better, rT3 down about significantly. I'm scheduled to see endo in a week or two to evaluate adrenal adenoma which may be the issue?

 

Free t3: 3.0 pg/ml

rT3: 209 pg/ml

 

I question how well I'm metabolizing the damn benzos. This bad period feels a lot like benzo w/d.

[Karma]

Hi Alex,

 

So glad your mother made it through surgery ok. That is a relief, I'm sure.

 

Your RT3 to FT3 ratio is 14.4 - which is less than 20 which means you have an RT3 problem. Hopefully the new Endo will be able to help.

 

Love ya, Alex

 

Karma

[alexjuice]

I hope so too.

 

I really do. I'm close to turning it around. I believe that. Thnx.

[alexjuice]

Quick story:

 

I knew a girl. She experienced something brutal and she coped with the brutality unsuccessfully -- we met in rehab both addicted to "hard" drugs.

 

She had to go prison for a while.

 

She was very soft and lyrical. She'd traveled much of north Africa and the middle east as well as islands in asia. She was a pretty girl. Movie star pretty, 24 years old back then...

 

Last fall, I facebooked her. We talked on the phone. She's probably 28 now. She learned to fix cars in prison and now works as a mechanic. Hr life had been rough and she wasn't 24 anymore but she was independent.

 

I told her I'd like to move, relocate to a new state and gain some indedependence, that I'd been living at my mothers house for too long. But itd been free accomodations and Id just made some money by selling a website I built.

 

But... Soon, I said. Not now. Health stuff, ya see...

 

She told me that I couldn't know what the future would hold. She recommended I move if I wanted to move and could afford it. Unless my health problems were so severe that I could not do it. Like for sure could not do it. (this girls mom had been living with full blows AIDS for many years and she, sadly, finally passed this year)....

 

We did t know each other well, we'd know each other for maybe a month in 2007. I ignored her advice. It was too risky. I can't even cook for my meals or sleep, I thought. I will move when I am healthy.

 

Now, the money is gone. Spent mainly on healthcare. I still feel poorly and am a year older.

 

My sleep, digestion, memory, sex function are bad. Smetimes my voice is bad. I may never be as healthy as I once was. But am I too unwell to work? Maybe, maybe not...depends on the job. I never found out, I know that.

 

Looking back, i wish I'd listened to that girl. She was the one who got assaulted by race gangs in prison. She was the one who no longer looked the part. She was ground down. Working from 6:00 to 6:00 in a grease pit because with 3 felonies it was the best work she could find, spending spare time tending her mom whod been dying for a long time. Nobody better to listen to. The kid knew how to survive. Survive and advance. I shoulda listened to her.

 

Caution got the better of me.

...

In a way she's the most beautiful person I've ever known. Also maybe the saddest.

[Barbarannamated]

Just read your story after I posted...

 

Caution can be a wise friend, Alex. Trust yourself. Your health and time will come.

 

I hope your mom is doing well and the family dynamics are not too dynamic. Change of any sort seems especially difficult through this.

 

Hugs.

B

[alexjuice]

Thanks barb. My mom is doing terrific so far. Procedure went well on Monday, she passed gas (so proud of her!) today, and she may be cleared to discharge as soon as Wednesday. Fingers crossed.

 

It's a lot about the healing, evidently. Everything looks good but the doc wants to be sure the bowel will hold up and be able to do its doody. As soon as doc thinks, mom can come home to recuperate.

 

It's been a stressor, but the worst is over. Fingers X.

[Karma]

I think we need to create a group home ... Alex, Barb, Meistersinger ... we'll all live together and support each other through our health challenges. MS can have air conditioning and I can go to the ENDO with Barb and Alex to fight for your treatment ... MS can keep our PCs working ... Alex can provide talk therapy ... Barb can do our medical research.

 

At least the loving thought counts, right?

 

Karma

[alexjuice]

Karma, you're such a loving and giving spirit. It is truly a blessing to have you in my corner.

 

Thanks

 

HUGS

[alexjuice]

Update:

Continued memory issues, food sensitives pronounced, less facial hair. Put on a couple pounds but not properly, as abdominal fat. Using supplemental stomach acid a lot.

 

Mom is home and sister in town. Sometimes stressful.

 

I'll be okay. Wish I could make the benzos go way.

[Altostrata]

Where did you put on the pounds? I've found there are a lot of places for them to go....

[Barbarannamated]

Alex, many days all I can offer are {{{HUGS}}}…

[alexjuice]

Where did you put on the pounds? I've found there are a lot of places for them to go....

 

If I understand the question, I am foggy at the moment... My weight increased but my body hasn't incorporated it well. I'd hoped, in response to rapd weight loss, any weight gain would even distribute, but it has pooled in my abdomen. I was hoping my upper arms would fill out. My skin is loose and the mass of the limb is no longer for home blood pressure readings. It's really embarrassing to have my blood drawn too. Like wrapping a tourniquet around a wet sock filled with a cup of molasses.

 

I only put on about 4 lbs though.

[alexjuice]

Alex, many days all I can offer are {{{HUGS}}}…

 

They are appreciated. HUGS back.

[alexjuice]

Some viewers may read my thread, newbies or people looking for information.

 

To them, I thought I'd say this. After getting lots of feedback, I don't think psychiatric medication (or the stopping of) is the proximate cause of most of my current symptoms. Of course, IMO, had I never started on Drugs, I'd likely have none of my current symptoms. Drugs more of the ultimate cause. Factors aplenty.

[Altostrata]

Well, at least you've put on a few instead of losing more weight.

[alexjuice]

Update:

 

Saw a doctor about my GI/hormone problems. This doctor believes three likely explanations: Autoimmune dysfunction, infection, irregular activity caused by a tumor or growth. Fine, treatments for first two are the same moreorless -- fix immune response. For the third, I will see endo for evaluation, particularly of adrenal adenoma. More to come on this.

 

Currently GI tract is pickier than ever. I;ve been twitching in extremities since eating some peanut butter two days ago. I can't do with any dairy at all. No gluten, no corn, no soy. All cause intoxication/brain malfunction. Memory can be quite bad. I have added some expressions to my speech ("it's one of those things, you know what I mean") which mean nothing but provide me a second or two to try to recall what I am speaking about when my mind goes blank mid-sentence.

 

I am moving away from the idea of a slow benzo taper. i will know more after results of an autoimmune workup. I think the benzos, in oral form, are only hurting me. Anyone know where I can get IV valium/klonopin? (I didnt think so...) I intend to try an anticonvulsant soon. I'll need a doctor to prescribe it... More to come.

 

I feel like my losses, starting in Febuary, are nonrecoverable. No healing, no recovery for alex. "All better" no longer in the cards. The remaining question is what will I be left with?

 

If I sound melodramatic, so be it. I've dealt with all sorts of unpleasantness for over 2 years, 18 months on this thread. The last 4 months feel totally seperate. My labs are off from baseline in significant ways. I'm malfunctioning in a different manner, something co-occurring with symptoms of w/d and med-induced dysregulation. There is no physician alive who can articulate treatment options and risks in a way approximating the reality. The risks are unforeseen.

 

This is your brain after Drugs.

 

I will make some decisions soon and we'll see how it goes. When I thought things were bad in December, I was wrong in that relative way.

 

I would like a chance though. I haven't had a good shot at it. I can still have that. I survive better than most.

 

Alex