☼ alexjuice: About

[alexjuice]

Thanks JR, appreciate it.

 

UPDATE:

 

Merry New Year. 2013 will be better than 2012. Has to be.

 

Prepping to try stronger parasite treatment. First round of flagyl not successful.

 

Submitted fertility specimen, waiting on results.

 

Vein pain, digestion, vision, muscle stamina, general endurance/fatigue, groin pain, hormone levels all remain problematic. Blood pressure measured at doctor at 120/80 after rangebound low (85/55 - 100/60 range) for last year.

 

Sitting at BZD level for January after reducing 2.5mg over last month.

 

Alexej

[Altostrata]

Alex, you did a little better after the Myers-plus cocktail, probably it helped counter the malabsorption of nutrients. Can you get it a little more often?

[alexjuice]

I think I did feel better after the IVs, especially the first one. I can get them once a week but it'll be next week before I can get another.

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

Got back fertility results over the phone. My fertility is not good, not ideal. Though my testosterone was back to normal -- I don't know what to make of that, unusual conditions: submitting a fertility sample then checking serum testosterone. If anything though these results undermine me. Because libido is still very low. Testes painful and shrinking. Beard not growing, etc. The fertility doc suggested some surgery, a minor male cosmetic procedure that's a great $/hr for him. I am going to have one more diagnostic and then I ... I dunno. I was going to bank a specimen so if I wanted to have children in the future, I'd have the peace of mind but the specimen is not viable. I dunno.

 

Maybe starting parasite drugs will help.

 

My other doctor blames everything on mold. It's possible that she's right but I don't know.

 

Otherwise, bzd taper hitting rough patches against binding agents. Dammit why I start these BZDs!

 

Stay of the Drugs kids.

[Barbarannamated]

 

Blood pressure measured at doctor at 120/80 after rangebound low (85/55 - 100/60 range) for last year.

Alexej

 

I missed this part about BP earlier. What do you or doctor make of the change? How was it before it went into low range? Definitely appears to be going in the right direction after being low for a year. Hopefully the hormone levels will follow without intervention.

 

How are your thyroid and adrenals functioning? I don't want to speculate too much, but... BP normalizing seems a good omen.

 

Kudos on planning ahead!

 

B

[alexjuice]

It could be either. I actually was disheartened because there are weird things going on with my vascular system. I have been deviled with 'vein pain' for about six months. One theory is that they are hardening a bit due to a plaque caused by eukaryotic infection -- this is only a theory.

 

Before this I had ideal BP, even as a smoker and frequent binge drinker 115/70 or something like. Starting with my GI problems my bp dropped. I even collapsed once due to postural hypot. Anyway, it's been low for two years almost. Now coming up? Dunno.

 

INteresting you ask about thyroid. It's been a little low, no antibodies. I had high reverse T3 last spring. Then that went down, then T3 came back low and rt3 up again. But my doctor said this is common with biotoxin exposure, so we rechecked it a few later and it was good. Good to the doctor anyway. Everything normal. FT3, RT3, TSH etc. But that was a while back. I say interesting, cuz I just retested it today, results by the end of the week. I think something is up. I was running at 95.6 temp last night.

 

Adrenals good, pretty normal by the 4x saliva. My doctor thought my adrenals would be crapped so we've left that for now.

 

I do think optimal thyroid is very important at the place I am in. If the result is not satisfactory, I'll start a little hormone replacement.

 

Thanks for asking, Barb. I'm trying to hang in there. Hope you doing pretty well and 2013 off to a better start. :-)

[Altostrata]

Hang in there, Alex. Have you been following Gia's discoveries about a low-histamine diet?

 

If I were you, I would definitely NOT have any kind of non-essential surgery.

[alexjuice]

Gia's reports are definitely on my radar.

 

I'm not planning a surgery. The doctor is a bumbler and the surgery would not fix anything.

 

I am hanging in, but it's tough to come to terms with losses and uncertainty. But it is what it is.

[areyouthere]

Hi Alex. I'm so sorry to hear about all of the unknowns that you're having to deal with right now. So I thought I'd drop by ad give you another great..... big......

 

Hang in there!!!!

 

RU

[alexjuice]

Hi RU - Thanks for the HUG!

 

Alex

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

Continued vein pain, mainly in hands, feet, legs. Really bad headache, cold feet and liver pain last Monday night. Circulation poor in fingers. I can't do the ZYTO scan at my chiropractors anymore due to lousy circulation in hands. Really thick blood also, stopped taking home BG because painful and no blood.

 

BG is getting better though. Last month I did a round of antimicrobials, maybe those helped some in the insulin resistance area.

 

Having minor BZD withdrawal, seems like symptoms lag about 3 weeks.

 

This week do a followup test from the fertility doc. Have another appt with my mold doctor, possibly the last one. I get tests back on mold mycotoxins.

 

I think first quarter is a crossroads for me.

 

Alex

[Rhiannon]

Why will I get better? Because.

 

Because. Because. Because.

 

Because of the wonderful things he does.

 

Alex

 

love you man

 

PS: saw the video, nice to have a face to go with the person. you're a cutie! (is that inappropriate?)

[alexjuice]

love you man

 

You too. I've missed you around here.

 

PS: saw the video, nice to have a face to go with the person. you're a cutie! (is that inappropriate?)

 

Yes, totally inappropriate, I can't believe I said I missed you. LOL

 

I hope you are doing well. I keep climbing the hump but can't get over it so far. Being unwell is upsetting.

 

HUGS

 

Alex

[Karma]

 

Karma hug

[alexjuice]

 

Karma hug

 

Thanks Karma. I appreciate it. LOVE ALEX

[alexjuice]

Update:

 

Returned to fertility clinic today for vascular testing. A bp cuff put on each upper arm and a sensor on the finger tip. Resting bp taken, then the right cuff squeezes for five minutes then releases, the finger monitor registers return of blood flow to tip. The left cuff and finger sensors are the controls. I failed the test. My vascular function was on the poor line, meaning the blood did not return to my right finger during the duration of the test: 18 minutes. The tech was stunned because it was, for him, a very unexpected result. I am probably the only 34 yr old, 160 lb male, with a resting bp of 110/70 he has ever seen flunk the test. My fertility doctor will not be of any use in treatment, I just wanted the test. I am going to talk to the doctor I get IV treatment from about running a screen for vascular biofilms which essentially check for protozoal infection of the circulatory system. Say more about this if anything comes of it.

 

Ramping up parasite treatment. One of my meds is sometimes incompatible with bzd so I am hoping for the best. Fingers crossed, things go okay.

 

Spent two days in bed with terrible headache.

 

It's really overwhelming. My entire life, is just overwhelming. I sometimes think, don't feel sorry for yourself, everybody has a **** time. But then I feel sorry for myself because it's just too unbelievable. My classmates from college, if they saw me or heard I was sick, would assume (rationally) that I was strung out on drugs.

 

I keep thinking about that song lyric, "Freedom is just another word for nothing else to lose." I keep think that whoever wrote that must never have been locked up. I've never been in prison but I've spent many months in institutions where it wasn't practical to leave. When I finally did get out, the freedom was amazingly intoxicating, shame the novelty of choice only lasts a few days. But it's real. Not having normal freedom is a real damn loss not a metaphor.

 

Right now I am very weak and am so limited. I'd do anything to have freedom that health allows.

 

Most 'normal people' will always look at me as a screwed up person because of where I've been. In some ways I wouldn't care if I just didn't get sick. But I only got sick because of the meds. And then the mold was just bad luck. Everybody's got good luck; everybody's got bad luck. I'm ready for a turn of good luck before it's too late.

 

Alex

[compsports]

Hi Alex,

 

Unfortunately, I haven't been doing a good job of keeping up with people's stories so my apologies.

 

But I wanted to say that it is ok to feel sorry for yourself. It sounds like in quickly glancing your posts, you have a dammed good reason to.

 

Of course, getting stuck forever in negativity isn't good but you definitely don't seem to be that type of person no matter what issues are you dealing with.

 

Hugs

 

Comp Sports

[Barbarannamated]

Alex,

 

Your situation is, IMHO, extraordinary and incomprehensible to people who *still believe* in our healthcare system. There is no way to compare to other peoples' ****. Apples and oranges.

 

I dont hear you getting stuck in negativity. I don't know how much anger (differentiated from negativity) is healthy, but it is certainly understandable and can be a motivating force. It's difficult to move forward from this when there is no closure or a tangible to move beyond.

 

I hope this makes sense. Whatever you are feeling is understandable to me. Try not to beat yourself up.

 

Hugs.

B

[alexjuice]

Alex,

 

Your situation is, IMHO, extraordinary and incomprehensible to people who *still believe* in our healthcare system. There is no way to compare to other peoples' ****. Apples and oranges.

 

I dont hear you getting stuck in negativity. I don't know how much anger (differentiated from negativity) is healthy, but it is certainly understandable and can be a motivating force. It's difficult to move forward from this when there is no closure or a tangible to move beyond.

 

I hope this makes sense. Whatever you are feeling is understandable to me. Try not to beat yourself up.

 

Hugs.

B

 

Thanks, Barb. I only can have half a good day, the other half I beat myself up.

 

After a lot of research, I'm going to suggest to Dr. Mold that she order a test for PROTOMYXZOA RHEUMATICA, a newly discovered protozoal infection of the circulatory system that fits a number of symptoms.

 

Including my from-nowhere whipped cream cravings, magnesium intolerance, testicular mass fluctuations, vein inflammation, joint pain, low body temp.

 

I have so far self-diagnosed myself incorrectly at every attempt and I hope I am jinxing this. I certainly do believe, and both my doctors believe, I have a protozoal infection but we don't know which one. This one seems like a very bad one. And I do not want to have it. So I'm sending the reverse-jinx in.

 

Alex

[Rhiannon]

want to make sure you don't miss this:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3633-this-poem/

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

Fertility doctor has referred me to a cardiologist due to poor vascular reactivity.

 

Got Round 2 of mold mycotoxin screen from Dr. Smiley. Two classes of mycotoxins were notably elevated in September. This time both have come down, though one, Ochratoxin, remains elevated. Ochratoxin is a carcinogenic byproduct of asperigillus molds. Smiley ordered a blood test.

 

Also scheduled an MRI to evaluate adrenal adenoma discovered in CT over summer. (6 month followup)

 

Reacting poorly to a liquid anti-protozoal formulation. Formula uses alcohol is the suspension medium. I've reacted weirdly to it, so I'm thinking it's the alcohol. Might be a benzo-cross or might be a mold-cross. Gonna call the infection doctor and talk about it.

 

Smiley reiterated that her patients on benzos have had the most trouble recovering immune and hormone function. She doesn't know why this is but suspects "impaired phase I clearance". She implored me to taper down the benzos as best as I can.

 

I'm losing muscle mass. Increased belly fat, loose skin upper arms. Don't know why. Low serum creatinine six months running...

 

I have resumed therapy with Dr. Caring and I think it's going well. She is very supportive. I've probably seen 20 therapists (counting the LCDCs) and she's the best. I know it's not saying much, but I am hopeful she can help with my psychiatric trauma. She is a psychiatrist -- never prescribed me anything -- so I can't get too excited. But she came to see me on the 3rd floor, the suicide attempt recovery floor. Nobody else came, except my parents. I hadn't even been seeing her that long. Anyway, we'll see. Hopeful.

 

Finally, I'm trying to sue the county for improperly arresting me lsat Christmas. Probably nothing comes of this, I will got a referral and will talk with an attorney. Who knows, maybe I can get my arrest off my record? Or recoup my costs? Mainly, I realize I am running out of time to stand up for myself and I would like to, at least, investigate any ways to get my side of events on the record. I may someday have a job interview and an arresst, especially so recent an arrest ... I'd like to back my "They screwed up" claim with "So I sued them proper," otherwise I look like a pushover or the type who gets arrested and thrown in jail and that type doesn't get make it to the 2nd interview.

 

Don't do no freaking drugs, mmmkay!

[Barbarannamated]

Alex,

 

Wow! One day you are going to read back thru this and realize how incredibly strong you are! Your ability to keep pushing through despite how you're feeling leaves me in awe with every update.

 

I'm glad you've gotten back in with Dr. Caring. Sounds like you have good past associations with her. I think it's important to maintain whatever few good connections that came out of a very bad period. (I'm trying similar)

 

Good for you for setting the record straight regarding the DUI last year.

 

KUDOS all around, Alex!

 

B~

[alexjuice]

Alex,

 

Wow! One day you are going to read back thru this and realize how incredibly strong you are! Your ability to keep pushing through despite how you're feeling leaves me in awe with every update.

 

I'm glad you've gotten back in with Dr. Caring. Sounds like you have good past associations with her. I think it's important to maintain whatever few good connections that came out of a very bad period. (I'm trying similar)

 

Good for you for setting the record straight regarding the DUI last year.

 

KUDOS all around, Alex!

 

B~

 

Thanks Barb. Things have been going ok. It's not even close to before though. Everyday I experience this feeling, many times over, that I am psyhiologically 'wrong' like never before in my life. It is hard to be honest with myself or plan for the next week because I am unwell in profound ways.

 

Thanks again. HUGS to you.

 

Alxze

[alexjuice]

GOAL for February:

 

1. Gain 5 lbs. (165/15)

 

Alex

[alexjuice]

UPDATW:

 

Weird bout of brain fog lately.

 

1. Drove to SBUX to get a tea. Couldn't remember where it was, U-turned. Went a while, U-turned again. Came across it and it took a sec to get my bearings. The SBUX is one the mainstreet from the house and I've driven by it over 100 times before.

 

2. Went to market. Stopped to get gas. Started the pump and went in to use the restroom. Came out. Put the gas cap back on. Drove off. Realized I had not pumped any gas. Went back and did it again.

 

I've felt a good effect from green tea. Last week or so I trying to have a green tea a day.

[Barbarannamated]

Alex,

 

Can you notice any improvement or change since being away from the mold? Was that something you could smell or feel effect when inside or away from the house for awhile?

Just curious.

 

B

[alexjuice]

Alex,

 

Can you notice any improvement or change since being away from the mold? Was that something you could smell or feel effect when inside or away from the house for awhile?

Just curious.

 

B

 

Actually I smell it more now. I could never tell in my old house actually. Even when symptoms came, I'd be sick in so many weird ways, there was no smell or signifier of something else. That's one of the worst things about w/d is that I lumped everything in with w.d. Obviously, a person going through w/d can still get ill with something else as well.

 

About the smell. It's weird. There's a smell on me, this rental house, my clothes and sheets. It's been a problem and I talked with Smiley about it. She thinks I am not in a good environment. We discussed going back to Maine but that's not a good option in Smiley's eyes. But my sister is pregnant (first time) and expecting in June or July. My mom is off work indefinitely, and really wants to support my little sister nearer the due date. So we may go out but not until the weather warms up on the Canadian border.

 

There have been improvements. I was having significant memory and cognitive problems, far out of the ordinary for me, during May and June. I was seeing a CBT therapist and therapy became difficult b/c I couldn't remember what I started saying and struggled finishing sentences. I would lose track of days and miss appointments. In response, she'd send reminder emails which I'd read but I'd even forget those and still miss the appointments.

 

Funny you ask, the last couple days have reminded of that time with the mold memory problems. Today's issue is not as severe.

 

In case your curious, it sort of smells like walnuts.

[alexjuice]

I see I mentioned detiorating memory in July in this thread actually, talking about Dr Caring in this case not the CBT.

 

... I have been steadily deteriorating. My therapist has noted several times that I am struggling to finish compound sentences, that it's apparent I am not able to recall what I have said. She is an MD is sufficiently concerned that he's been calling to learn of my test results....

 

It's great to have my long thread as a record of my experience. I wish I updated it more frequently with more specificity using fewer words.

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

Saw DR. Y today. Feeling tremendous stress. Didn't tell her I'd reduced benzos and feel horribly anxious about it, that she'll find out and then I won't be able to get any more benzos. Arrrrggghhhh. Hate this.

 

It's also just a horrific experience to visit with a psychiatrist with whom I feel no point in sharing the genuine details of my struggle. Done it enough to know Y just isn't able to draw it out. There are so many 'quacky' things about case that... she said I'm unlike any other case she has. It's true. She's of zero help. She makes $190 ever 6 weeks to be a drug dealer and ask questions that miss the point.

 

Today it just got weird. I started to drop the V on my own. I wanted to updose if need be and I don't trust Y to hang in with me on a taper. Once I say I'm tapering I don't have faith. I think she'll get nervous and worry I might be hoarding and force me to go too fast. There is no one else I can get valium from.

 

Arrrg. Hate this. Don't like feeling like I have to hide things just for doing what's right by my health-interest. I also hate my antifungal medicaation. Was up in bed heart racing for hours last night. My memory is really doing poorly. The only silver lining is that this will help develop my stress tolerance and belief in my own ability to execute in my own interest.

[Barbarannamated]

Do you have to tell her you're tapering?

I sure do understand the stress you feel about being cut off.

[tezza]

Hi Alex,

 

Just wanted to stop by and give you a BIG HUG!

 

Love,

T

[alexjuice]

Hi Alex,

 

Just wanted to stop by and give you a BIG HUG!

 

Love,

T

 

Thanks so much Tezza. Means a lot, so much trouble right now.

 

best

Alex

[alexjuice]

Do you have to tell her you're tapering?

I sure do understand the stress you feel about being cut off.

 

I didn't tell her but felt very weird. You ever get that feeling that someone 'can tell' your withholding something or lying. So then you try 'to act normally' but trying to be 'normal' makes you act mmore like you're hiding something. In some cases you may not be withholding anything but the fear of how others are perceiving takes over? It just got weird. And that provoked more panic.

 

I don't have to tell her. Though I may have to tell her if I'm going to get these panics/stress. I have enough of my plate.

 

I have been having bad, bad days lately. Tossing in bed for hours last night and just felt awful with Dr. Y. Blew it up out of proportion. I'm really tired of this whole thing. I'd be a lot less troubled if it were only klonopin. I don't have any other source of valium.

 

Alex

[Barbarannamated]

You just described my life. I always said that if everyone was doing something wrong, lying etc., I'd be the one to get caught. The few times I tested the theory, i was right.

 

I also feel our situations and perceptions are similar because we've been put thru the detox ordeal. Of all of the psychiatric abuse ive experienced, that is the one that scarred me most. I wonder if it's also effecting you. Hospitalization is generally bad for most people, but detox carries an entirely different level of implied guilt.

 

I'm sorry you're having tough days, Alex.

 

Hugs.

B

[tezza]

Alex,

 

You've been having bad, bad days for a long while, FAR too long. Try to relax because you are NOT doing anything wrong. I know that's easy for me to say and much harder for you to do. I've felt that way before. It feels awful! I wish I could just make your world a bright, sun-shiny place. My heart breaks for you even more now than when I first read your story.

 

I tossed all night last night too. I kept looking at the clock and couldn't believe when I saw it was almost 5am. May we both rest better tonight.

 

I watched some of your videos a while back and left you a message on your site. ANY time you want someone to talk to, I will talk to you. Lord knows, I'd do anything I could to help you. I have unlimited long-distance calling, so just let me know if you want or need a sympathetic ear and shoulder.

 

Love you,

 

Teresa

[Altostrata]

alex -- http://www.mercurynews.com/health/ci_22498275/marin-psychiatrist-has-license-suspended-missing-his-own