☼ alexjuice: About

[Barbarannamated]

I hope you're doing bit better, Alex.

 

B

[alexjuice]

I hope you're doing bit better, Alex.

 

B

 

Thanks for the wishes, Barb. I've been a bit better today after a terrible 3 day weekend. I am having tons of trouble with medication. I got off my routine, and I wasn't on a solid routine anyway. But ...awful days... stomach pain, back pain, headache, nausea. So I stopped the medicine and my doctor prescribed a different one.

 

I am going to do my best for the rest of this month to try to take the medication and eat right and just see what happens. Some of the medicine I think interacts with the benzos (or something) b/c I've also had unmanageable anxiety and fear.

 

I've been thinking about the past a lot and feeling hopeless about the future. I don't look very hot either. It's hard to imagine even going back to life of 3-4 years ago and that wasn't much but I could digest food and eat in restaurants and could see at night and speak loudly to order effectively at drive through windows but lately I do less and less. I am losing weight again from being sick.

 

Alex

[alexjuice]

I might give up if I could. But there's no way to give up. I'd have to kill myself which I'd never do. But if life was like a video game and I could just turn it off with no big hubbub, well, I'd think about turning my life off.

 

I keep saying to myself "I've got a 10% chance." Dunno why I say that. I think of my stack of experiences and then there's been some bad luck and I think -- my body is too screwed up, I'm responding all wrong to medicine, I'm struggling with health problems that my doctors think are very complex. I just keep on feeling like I need to accept it's probably not going to happen for me. I think too much **** has piled up. 10% chance I recover, I think that all the time. Maybe that's unrealistically pessimistic or optimistic -- I have no way of knowing! I think it settles me to think it, though.

 

I spent all of 2012 saying "I can't believe this is happening." I was very worked up, panicked. What is happening to my body!!!!

 

I'm in a better place now, less worry and stress and hand-wringing. I'll do my best. I need to face up also to the fact that my best isn't much, frankly. I lied in bed for three straight days and those were only slightly less productive than my most recent good days.

 

It's really important to believe I can win. No matter the odds, I need to believe I can reach a place where a satisfactory existence is possible. Even 10%, that's enough to keep going. If I thought I had no chance to reach my health goals, it'd be difficult to 'give my best' or to give anything.

 

I am discouraged. I can all-in on some medication and see if things turn around, I'll do that. My whole life since age 18 is lost time and I don't see hope of that changing on the horizon. So, ya, very discouraging.

[tezza]

Dear sweet Alex, I don't know what to say....I'm so sorry and your situation is very sad.

 

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

[Skyler]

Hi Alex, just bringing you a special hug today.

 

The 10% solution... I think we live life on the installment plan. Unfortunately some of have wayyy more than our share of hurt.

 

Edited at 10:05

[alexjuice]

Thanks.

 

I believe I am at an important crossroads, so I am going to try everything I can do to get better.

 

HUGS to all.

 

Alex

[Karma]

That sounds positive Alex!

 

Here is a Karma hug to help you on your way

 

Karma

[alexjuice]

Thanks guys.

 

UPDATE:

 

Been in contact with psychiatrist, Dr. Y, about reducing valium. She opposes it due to my other health goingson (which she doesn't really understnad and I don't fault her for that). So I have an appt to see her tomorrow.

 

However, out of the blue yesterday, I got an email from Dr. FG's office inviting me to come in for a visit. Dr. FG is my former psychiatrist and also the owner of the property where Dr. Y keeps her office. I suspect they took a conference in the hallway on the topic of Alexej. This is just stressful as anything. I have not responded to FG's email.

 

I have enough going I don't need foolhardy psychiatrists trying to insert themselves into my critical health situation. GAWD.

[dalsaan]

That's odd. Are you going to respond to the email or ignore it?

[Skyler]

Thanks guys.

 

UPDATE:

 

Been in contact with psychiatrist, Dr. Y, about reducing valium. She opposes it due to my other health goingson (which she doesn't really understnad and I don't fault her for that). So I have an appt to see her tomorrow.

 

However, out of the blue yesterday, I got an email from Dr. FG's office inviting me to come in for a visit. Dr. FG is my former psychiatrist and also the owner of the property where Dr. Y keeps her office. I suspect they took a conference in the hallway on the topic of Alexej. This is just stressful as anything. I have not responded to FG's email.

 

I have enough going I don't need foolhardy psychiatrists trying to insert themselves into my critical health situation. GAWD.

Gosh Alex, that has to be unnerving for sure. Sounds like a breach of confidentiality. Do you think you can get at the truth with some subtle questions?

[hippopotamus]

Oh gosh. That would really upset me. And probably piss me of as well.

 

 

Any ideas on how you're going to handle this?

[Barbarannamated]

Agree with all comments. Not sure how i would handle that but my first instinct is to document everything. Did these docs have your authorization to share info?

[alexjuice]

Yea, I just went to my appointment with Dr. Y and didn't mention that my previous doctor had emailed. I also did not run into him in the waiting area.

 

I agree about documentation. I may not reply at all for that reason.

 

I'm not feeling terrifically at the moment so I'm put my old shrink's email in it's proper priority box and get to it when appropriate.

 

Thanks for all the support, guys.

[Karma]

Hi Alex

 

I have a little different take on this. You don't KNOW that Dr. FG and Dr. Y had a conversation about you, right? You seem to have told yourself a story and that story has unnerved you.

 

If you want to know why Dr. FG has requested a visit, I would point-blank ask him.

 

Remember, you've done nothing wrong. You are a patient on medications that you would prefer to get off of. Drs are not gods ... they aren't any better than us, they just have a specific kind of education that allows them to write prescriptions.

 

You have nothing to fear. If neither of these doctors can support your needs, you can always find another one. Sometimes we have to educate our doctors ... you have enough going on with your health that your situation isn't black or white. Stand your ground and tell them what you need.

 

Karma

[Skyler]

If you want to know why Dr. FG has requested a visit, I would point-blank ask him.

Better. Though I don't trust docs not to talk out of school, one would wonder why you are so important as to get that sort of attention? So maybe there was/is nothing negative.

 

Alex.. you have a great deal of fortitude and my hat is off to you. (btw, I have alot of them!!)

[alexjuice]

The situation is a bit complicated. I know they've discussed me in the past because I saw both of them simulatanously for about 2 years. My old psychiatrist, Dr. FG, referred me to Dr. Y to get a benzo script filled about 3 years ago. At that time Dr. FG was prohibited by the state medical board from writing controlled substances so I had 2 shrinks which was silly. Eventually, I quit Dr. FG and Y was stuck with me.

 

My main issue is frustration. I don't necessarily think Dr FG wants to control my prescriptions or anything. He probably thinks he can help me and he hasn't seen me in a while and it could simply be coincidental that I was to meet with Y. They may have spoken about me or may not have -- I don't think they'd see that as a boundary violation. But I don't if they talked about me and I'm not assuming it.

 

I'm frustrated because I don't want anything more to do with psychiatrists than I have to. I always have the feeling that Dr. FG wants to keep an eye on my situation. And I'm too busy right now for his nonsense, but I don't want to actually deal with him, especially by email.

 

I am muddy-thinking at the moment, but am grateful for the feedback.

 

BTW, I had a good meeting today with Dr. Y who is now supporting my diazepam reduction. So it's all working out. ;-)

[Altostrata]

Since when does a psychiatrist invite someone in for a visit? Is it for free?

[dalsaan]

If it was me I would probably say thanks for your email, I'm happy with the care I'm currently getting so I can't see a need to meet at this time.

 

Sets a boundary which is important given its unusual, to say the least, for him to do this

 

Dalsaan

[alexjuice]

If it was me I would probably say thanks for your email, I'm happy with the care I'm currently getting so I can't see a need to meet at this time.

 

Sets a boundary which is important given its unusual, to say the least, for him to do this

 

Dalsaan

 

Hey Dalsaan,

 

Yes this is very reasonable IMO.

 

In my situation I don't want to reply at all at this moment. When I am feeling better, I intend to investigate suing my ex-psychiatrist. I've said before that I don't think I'll actually be able to do this, but I want to talk to an attorney -- maybe in the next few weeks. And until the option of legal action is totally closed, interaction with him in writing is best avoided.

 

Among the many reasons his uninvited email frustrated me, the forced decision as to how to respond in the context of the above was most aggravating.

 

Thanks for thinking of me.

Alex

[alexjuice]

Since when does a psychiatrist invite someone in for a visit? Is it for free?

 

Yea, seriously. This isn't the first time a mental health professional has reached out to me, basically invited me to catchup and then asked that I make an appointment to pay them for the honor.

 

After years of selling 'listening and counsel' I think, shrinks and therapists tend to default to the idea they should be paid for the service of listening and advice-giving no matter who initiates the process; listening/advice is their trade. And while I find the assumption off-putting from my side of the couch, I think that the attitude is sorta understandable given that they are paid pretty well for exactly that.

 

One time when FG & I were riffing on AA meetings he mentioned how insufferable he found them. I agreed that AA meetings can, at times, stink. I'll never forget what he said next. "After listening to drunks go on about their problems, afterwards I feel like I should send each of them a bill." This was a revealing thing for him to have said and helped shape the notions I expressed above.

 

Alex

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

I reran the autoimmune panel I had done in August which showed massive autoimmune activity indicating elevated risk for everything from MS to UC. After 6 mos, we reran it. The lab didn't receive payment so today at Smiley, I didn't get the results. Nobody from the lab called me or my doc to tell of them problem. Took the blood three weeks ago. The same draw I sent off blood mold analysis Smiley had ordered, she didn't tell me how much it cost. Luckily, the lab called me and asked me if I realized I'd ordered $3700 worth of out-of-network lab procedures. I did not. So I cancelled $3500 of the order. It's a miracle anyone gets better from anything. ... Basically, everything is a travesty with you, Walter!

 

WARNING:Language

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4ezPvzKe5M

 

I did get new antifungals.

 

I'm working some new dietary modifications. Generally mood is better but cognitive function is down. My posts on the forum are + on the errors and poor construction.

 

Holding BZD for another week or two, then resume taper. Maybe klon concurrent with a stretch microtaper of the V.

 

Indecisive about two tracks: mold/parasite. I have two protocols, I don't think they're compatible and each takes 6months minimum to run. So I need to pick. I read, or maybe my acupuncture guy told me, that the gallbadder is the seat of indecision? Anyway, from my fat-malabsorption and other diagnostics, it appears my Gallbladder is a main site of parasitic infection. Maybe that's why I can't decide what to do?

 

I went back through some notes and realize I had some good results with a couple of supplement products. Will try those back.

[alexjuice]

Yea, mood better.

 

 

Warning: movie violence ... Jump to :55. Nobody Gets Left Behind, You Know That...

 

 

Hang in.

[alexjuice]

I am concerned about interaction between my BZD and other prescription medication.

 

I think I am convinced by my doctor's presentation that I am suffering from chronic fungal and protozoal infection. I have instituted many dietary changes but only prescriptions can cure the infections, though neither is easily cured.

 

It's impossible for me to describe my life to my therapist. I saw her today. I explained that old friends don't return emails and haven't for years that I've been sick. (I don't have that many old friends and don't contact this group too often.) I believe that sick is taken by them for 'on drugs' or delinquent. It doesn't help that if you google my name, my mugshot comes up. There are many mugshotsonlinecom... I can't remember which ones I've already emailed ... Some imply you have to pay them. Whatever. It was a mistake, the arrest and the offense were oversights, and I can't help how others interpret that photo.

 

Point of all this rambling, is I'm going all in. I think I have a chance to significantly improve my digestion, hormone function, possibly sexual function, physical stamina, brain fog ... I'm going to go all in. Nothing left to lose but a lot left to gain.

 

Ramping up antimicrobials. I have faith it will all work out. Like it is supposed to. However that it is, it will be.

 

Alex

[dalsaan]

Good luck Alex. I've got fingers and toes crossed for you. Let's hope that fortune favours the brave

 

Dalsaan

[hippopotamus]

I admire your hope and determination. You sound so brave. And I'm just gonna go along with it, thinking it will work out and help you the way you so much deserve!

 

 

Hug!

 

Hippo

[tezza]

HUGS AND LOVE!!!

[Rhiannon]

Me too, hugs and love and crossed fingers and toes!

[Skyler]

I am concerned about interaction between my BZD and other prescription medication.

 

I saw her today. I explained that old friends don't return emails and haven't for years that I've been sick.

 

Point of all this rambling, is I'm going all in. I think I have a chance to significantly improve my digestion, hormone function, possibly sexual function, physical stamina, brain fog ... I'm going to go all in. Nothing left to lose but a lot left to gain.

 

Ramping up antimicrobials. I have faith it will all work out. Like it is supposed to. However that it is, it will be.

One thing I've found confusing Alex. Given all the misery you have endured because of mold, how can you tell there is an interaction between the BZD and other meds. You have sure been through the mill.

 

My all too familiar experience with chronic illness says the response from your friends is because they are uncomfortable and even intimidated by illness that lingers, and may be 'hanging' their hats on your previous drug issues.

 

"I think I have a chance to ... improve. a lot left to gain."

 

My sincere hopes you will regain your world. Based on what you show here, you have a great deal of promise.

[alexjuice]

One thing I've found confusing Alex. Given all the misery you have endured because of mold, how can you tell there is an interaction between the BZD and other meds. You have sure been through the mill.

 

Well the medication is hard on the liver and affects BZD metabolism and I've had to stop taking different medications several times because of semi-severe side effects such as (temporary) loss of senses or feeling in the nose or beginnings pf liver damage. Unfortunately, with one antifungal the loss of taste and altered vision may also be permanent effects. Liver failure does occur, rarely. I think I am off of this one after some false starts, terbinafine it's called, but the replacement is risky too.

 

There is of course no way to KNOW that the benzos play a role in any side effects but, as my pharmacists says, "You understand this may interact with your diazepam/clonazepam." For peace of mind alone, I'd rather just let my liver alone with the antimicrobial drugs. But that's not in the cards for me.

 

"I think I have a chance to ... improve. a lot left to gain."

 

My sincere hopes you will regain your world. Based on what you show here, you have a great deal of promise.

 

I'm going in. I'd rather suffer damage from treatment than continue on this path of sickness without trying everything. Thanks for your well wishess. Means a lot.

[alexjuice]

Good luck Alex. I've got fingers and toes crossed for you. Let's hope that fortune favours the brave

 

Thanks so much Dalsaan.

 

HUGS to you.

 

Alex

[alexjuice]

Me too, hugs and love and crossed fingers and toes!

 

Keep 'em crossed for me. HUGS back!

[alexjuice]

HUGS AND LOVE!!!

 

Thanks Tezza! HUGS and LOVE to you TOO!

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

More tests. Got back baseline labs. Liver enzymes are moderately elevated (ALT @ 80) which is troubling since I'd not even worked up to a full dose of the medication. Not to be overly dramatic but subjects in trials suffered liver failure. So I am switching to a different antifungal called itraconazole which also has harsh side effects, including the "small but real" risk of congestive heart failure. Seriously, the wiki page has that phrase in quotes. But I'm ramping up to it with a less potent drug called diflucan.

 

Testosterone at 8. Lowest Free T, except for when I was on cholesterol medication. LH higher in the range but ok, which means I'm not having testicular failure yet.

 

Thyroid janky. Elevated TSH @ 4.2. FT3 a little low but not bad @ 3.0pg/ml. rT3 still too high at 232 pg/ml. rT3 is often high in chronic, severe infection.

 

Will get back results on full autoimmune panel as well as mold inflammatory markers (the so-called Shoemaker lab protocol).

 

Then I, soon I hope, to introduce the anti-protozol package which is Ivermectin, Pyrantel Pamoate, Tinidazole & and herbs. I don't think I can do the antifungals and the anti-protozoal drugs at the same time. So it may take some time to get to here.

 

I am very indecisive. I've been burned by doctors so much. There being no more research to do, I'm ready to go at this problem and try to eradicate it and have a life again.

 

Got a refill on nebulized glutathione to raise levels which helps fight infection.

 

Taking liver supportive and detox supportive protocol : vitamin c (sodium ascorbate), taurine, glycine, NAC, salt, water, clay and non-RX binders for fecal excrement. For yeast I have nystatin and an OTC digestive aid Candex.

 

I am eating more matrix material and taking products to support endothelial cell health. Hopefully this will improve circulation, rebuild some hormone producing tissue and decrease vascular reactivity.

 

I didn't feel well today and I am only 1/5th started, so we'll see how well this goes. There have been a lot of false starts but I am ready to take my chances. I wish I didn't react so weirdly to everything though. Wish I wasn't stuck on damn benzos.

 

Stay off drugs, kids.

 

Thanks for the support.

 

Alex

[Skyler]

I wish I didn't react so weirdly to everything though. Wish I wasn't stuck on damn benzos.

Well the medication is hard on the liver and affects BZD metabolism and I've had to stop taking different medications several times because of semi-severe side effects such as (temporary) loss of senses or feeling in the nose or beginnings pf liver damage. Unfortunately, with one antifungal the loss of taste and altered vision may also be permanent effects. Liver failure does occur, rarely. I think I am off of this one after some false starts, terbinafine it's called, but the replacement is risky too.

 

There is of course no way to KNOW that the benzos play a role in any side effects but, as my pharmacists says, "You understand this may interact with your diazepam/clonazepam." For peace of mind alone, I'd rather just let my liver alone with the antimicrobial drugs. But that's not in the cards for me.

Hi Alex, it sounds like at best, the benzos are adding to the negative effects of medication you actually need to fight the mold. I wish you did not react in such a way either. It must be very difficult to refuse treatments that could help but.... And I empathize all too well for the benzos, whether they are complicating the picture or not, I'm on .4 mgs d. and itching to get off.

 

Hoping today is better.. and tomorrow more,

 

Skyler

[Nikki]

Hi Alex....

 

I think we all react weird to things like you said. AD's and most other drugs do interact and cause sensitivities. That's my take on it.

 

Alex before medications did you have sensitivities? In looking back I can see that I did.

 

Hugs

[dunerbug]

Just wanted to tell you that you that I think you are very strong. I read your thread this morning and you have been through the ringer to say the least.

 

It helps me to see the strength in myself.

 

I have a silly suggestion, but it helps my husband and I and is very gentle. We both drink dandelion tea. I helps promote liver function. Tastes nasty but after a while it grows on you. You can find it usually in the health food section of a grocery store, and it's always at health food stores.

 

Continued strength to you. You are fighting the good fight.