DaveB: trying to stop a roller coaster year

[Cheeky]

Hey Dave, 

great news , you deserve a break. Everything is looking up for you , enjoy every minute.

[Rosetta]

I hope so.  - Rosetta

[wildchild93]

Happy Birthday (=

[DaveB]

Weird couple of days (what else is new). Sunday and Monday were pretty good until Monday night when the anxiety creeped up on me (not a usual pattern for me, anxiety is usually better at night). The Tuesday was VERY up and down, few hours where anxiety was terrible, followed by a few when it shut off, back and forth until about 8PM when it shut off for good and I felt totally normal. Woke today with some anxiety, but it hasn't been too bad. Is it normal that I am still so very up and down this far (almost 3 months) into a hold?

[Hazel]

Hi Dave,

I would say it seems normal to be up and down even after a long hold.  I have been up and down myself the last few days.  Hard to say what triggered it this time, but it could just be the normal window and waves pattern.

 I had a lot of ups and downs in early January through mid March and I was holding.  I then had a little over a week long window and have been up and down since.  

It’s difficult to know how long it will take before you stabilize, but the fact you are getting relief from your symptoms is a very good sign.  

[DaveB]

14 minutes ago, Hazel said:

Hi Dave,

I would say it seems normal to be up and down even after a long hold.  I have been up and down myself the last few days.  Hard to say what triggered it this time, but it could just be the normal window and waves pattern.

 I had a lot of ups and downs in early January through mid March and I was holding.  I then had a little over a week long window and have been up and down since.  

It’s difficult to know how long it will take before you stabilize, but the fact you are getting relief from your symptoms is a very good sign.  

 

I would agree with this, last night I felt completely normal so I am taking this as a good sign even after an up and down day. Hoping that this is the beginning of the end of this chapter in my life and I can start the, "tapering in the background," chapter soon. 

[Rosetta]

I hope so, too, Dave!  A big hug! -- Rosetta

[Cheeky]

On 05/04/2018 at 2:34 AM, DaveB said:

Weird couple of days (what else is new). Sunday and Monday were pretty good until Monday night when the anxiety creeped up on me (not a usual pattern for me, anxiety is usually better at night). The Tuesday was VERY up and down, few hours where anxiety was terrible, followed by a few when it shut off, back and forth until about 8PM when it shut off for good and I felt totally normal. Woke today with some anxiety, but it hasn't been too bad. Is it normal that I am still so very up and down this far (almost 3 months) into a hold?

Hey Dave,

It is normal especially after what you have been through, as long as you can see an improvement then your heading in the right direction 

[Rosetta]

HI, Dave.  Have a good weekend.

[DaveB]

On 4/7/2018 at 11:13 AM, Rosetta said:

HI, Dave.  Have a good weekend.

Thanks Rosetta, overall it was a pretty good weekend. I have been feeling like I am getting close to being stable. After I stay there for a bit (months) I will start my long awaited taper. However, today has been more of a grind so of course it has me doubting everything. I felt good this morning (I have been waking to little anxiety the past few days) but anxiety has gotten pretty bad at times today. Hoping it is just a blip!

 

On 4/5/2018 at 4:41 PM, Cheeky said:

Hey Dave,

It is normal especially after what you have been through, as long as you can see an improvement then your heading in the right direction 

Thanks Cheeky, good to hear that from other who have been through it. I am still not perfect or even stable (I can still swing way UP and way DOWN in the span of an hour) but I feel my progress at this point is undeniable. 

[Rosetta]

Oh, good.  You are getting there.  It's so tough.  I worried a little that you weren't posting, but if you've been getting relief from morning wake up anxiety that is wonderful news!

[Hazel]

Glad to hear you are getting close to stabilizing Dave!  I’m sure it’s just a “blip” and you’ll be feeling better soon.  I’m still having some ups and downs myself, but am hopeful that things will smooth out soon. 

[DaveB]

Twice Monthly Update:

 

Things have been going much better for me. I went away for the weekend so my kids could play in a tennis tournament, and I barely felt or even thought about anxiety/withdrawal. I would say I was 80-90% normal, the best I have been since this whole thing started in January 2017. Since coming home yesterday afternoon I have for sure felt more anxiety, it could just be not being on "vacation" and headed back to work, or simply a window and wave pattern. This morning I have been kind of surprised by the level of anxiety, certainly no where near as bad as it has been during my bad times, but MUCH more than I was dealing with during the weekend. 

 

Symptoms:

 

Anxiety - Seems much more stable, and at times non-existent. There have been times, even full days the last few weeks that anxiety has been bad, but on the whole I am much more stable, less huge swings. Seems it doesn't get to the level it once could. 

 

Inability to concentrate or enjoy things - This has been much better, now I have blips of high anxiety and "cog fog" during a day, not the constant it was making it much easier to enjoy things.

 

IBS - Mostly resolved, but still can creep up from time to time.

 

Oily Skin - Still there, but not as pronounced as it once was. 

 

Face Flushing and feeling "hot" - This doesn't happen often anymore.

 

Pins and Needles - This doesn't happen much these days, on occasion i will feel the adrenaline in arms and/or legs, but not a lot.

 

Negative Thoughts - Overall my outlook is much more positive as I am seeing a lot of improvements.

 

Sensitivity to Sound - This doesn't happen very often anymore.

 

Sensitivity to Smell - Gone

 

Shaking (especially in the hands) - No longer much of an issue

 

Burning Eyes - Gone, and was actually a real problem at one point.

 

OCD/Intrusive Thoughts - Pretty much completely gone at this point. 

[Rosetta]

I am thrilled for you, Dave!  You are stabilizing!!   Yeah!  Someday, this will be a distant memory.  How wonderful that you were able to have a nice weekend with your kids.  -- Rosetta

[Dalalea]

Wow! This is a great report, Dave! I'm so happy you're experiencing improvement!

I've experienced the same thing with vacation being better and then home again to worsening symptoms. I think being in a different place, making it necessary to change my normal routine, tends to keep me from following negative patterns that have developed around my normal routines at home. When I come back home, I notice that my normal routines can easily put me back into the old patterns that were absent in the other setting.

Because of that, I've been experimenting with changing my morning routine so whatever triggers were hidden in it are disrupted. It seems to be helping.

I hope you have a great day!

Dalalea

[Hazel]

Glad to hear things are improving Dave!  And thanks for stopping by my thread to offer support-it really helps😊

[Cheeky]

6 hours ago, DaveB said:

Twice Monthly Update:

 

Things have been going much better for me. I went away for the weekend so my kids could play in a tennis tournament, and I barely felt or even thought about anxiety/withdrawal. I would say I was 80-90% normal, the best I have been since this whole thing started in January 2017. Since coming home yesterday afternoon I have for sure felt more anxiety, it could just be not being on "vacation" and headed back to work, or simply a window and wave pattern. This morning I have been kind of surprised by the level of anxiety, certainly no where near as bad as it has been during my bad times, but MUCH more than I was dealing with during the weekend. 

 

Symptoms:

 

Anxiety - Seems much more stable, and at times non-existent. There have been times, even full days the last few weeks that anxiety has been bad, but on the whole I am much more stable, less huge swings. Seems it doesn't get to the level it once could. 

 

Inability to concentrate or enjoy things - This has been much better, now I have blips of high anxiety and "cog fog" during a day, not the constant it was making it much easier to enjoy things.

 

IBS - Mostly resolved, but still can creep up from time to time.

 

Oily Skin - Still there, but not as pronounced as it once was. 

 

Face Flushing and feeling "hot" - This doesn't happen often anymore.

 

Pins and Needles - This doesn't happen much these days, on occasion i will feel the adrenaline in arms and/or legs, but not a lot.

 

Negative Thoughts - Overall my outlook is much more positive as I am seeing a lot of improvements.

 

Sensitivity to Sound - This doesn't happen very often anymore.

 

Sensitivity to Smell - Gone

 

Shaking (especially in the hands) - No longer much of an issue

 

Burning Eyes - Gone, and was actually a real problem at one point.

 

OCD/Intrusive Thoughts - Pretty much completely gone at this point. 

Wow Dave that’s great news.

its scary how you can feel so desperate and think you will be permanently like that and then you start getting stable and it makes you appreciate everything so much more. 

[FarmGirlWorks]

Great news!!!

[DaveB]

Well...not sure what has changed, but I feel back to square one today. Anxiety is back with a vengeance, I was doing so well I don't know what changed...so frustrating!

[Hazel]

Thanks for replying to my thread Dave.  So sorry to hear you are struggling again, but I am right there with you.  We will get through this.

[Rosetta]

Sending healing vibes your way. - R

[DaveB]

22 hours ago, Hazel said:

Thanks for replying to my thread Dave.  So sorry to hear you are struggling again, but I am right there with you.  We will get through this.

 

20 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Sending healing vibes your way. - R

 

Thanks guys, seriously not sure what the heck happened. I was just doing SO well and now I am as bad as ever (maybe worse). I have changed nothing (currently 3 and a half months into a hold). It simply makes no sense and is SO frustrating. I REALLY thought after multiple good days (Saturday was pretty much anxiety free) that I had gotten past the worst of this and was going to close the book on this horrible chapter in my life, now I don't know what to think. Is this ever going to end?

[Hazel]

I can so relate.  I don’t remember feeling as horrible as I did on Monday in such a long time and it was really scary.  I have no idea where it came from either.  That is the frustrating thing about this process-there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason as to when or why the symptoms come and go.  It is pure torture to go from feeling like you are about to stabilize and have it all ripped away and go back to square one.  I don’t think we ever really go back to square one though.  Try to remember there is a lot of healing going on in a wave.  I felt the worst on Monday, Tuesday was awful as well, but started getting some relief in the afternoon.  This morning woke up with anxiety, but it has dissipated as the day is going on.  I don’t know that I am in the clear yet, but I am trying to enjoy the calm while I have it.  So, yes, I really do believe your suffering will end.  Try to remind yourself that this is withdrawal-it’s not you, and you will get better.  You will get through this.  

[brassmonkey]

Hi Dave-- I'm sorry to hear about the setback, it's just a reminder that recovery is not a straight line but rather two forward, one sideways, one back.  You're making really good progress in getting stable.  The day to day can be really frustrating but healing is happening all the time.

[direstraits]

Hi DaveB and Hazel,

yes,the most senseless,cruel,tortuous experience someone can endure.

these drugs are evil and paxil probably the worst of all.

I hope to God we will all recover someday,it can't come soon enough.wishing you strength and healing.

ds

xx

[DaveB]

Thanks guys! I needed a little pick me up. @brassmonkey what has been your personal experience with exercise? Seems many struggle with it, but I think it has been helpful for me so I was wondering your thoughts. 

[brassmonkey]

I personally am quite allergic to exercise.  When ever I try it I get short of breath, feel muscle weakness and break out in a sweat.

 

The amount of exercise and the vigor with which it is performed is a very personal aspect of WD.  Some of the things I have observed are that more is not better, and harder is not better.  They seem to be counter productive.  Heavy exercise throws the body into stress, which is that last thing our already stressed bodies need.  It increases cortisol and has a direct effect of early morning wake up calls and does not allow the body the relaxation it needs.

 

Mild yoga and stretching can be of grate benefit, but anything more is over doing it.

[Rosetta]

I think it will end, Dave.  I really do because it has for so many other people.  Also, it will get better over time.  So, today may be awful, but it will end, and there will be better days.  My husband says I'm better in June after having a hard Springtime.  This WD has been going on for years and that is always the pattern, he promises me. (Mine started in May of 2011 when I switched drugs, but I didn't know I had WD.  Of course, it got a lot worse when I quit Zoloft.). I hold on to hope that he's right, and everything will settle down in another month or two.

[DaveB]

Anyone know the risks of TD due to extended exposure to an atypical anti-psychotic like Zyprexa? Honestly this is one of my biggest fears (along with diabetes) of taking so long to stabilize. Seems the longer you are on an anti-psychotic the greater the risk of these side effects, and it seems I will be on Zyprexa for quite a while as it is taking SO long for me to stabilize and therefore I STILL cannot begin a taper. 

[Rosetta]

Doesn't it take a long time on antipsychotics to get that?  It's a worry, I know, but would you fast taper Zyprexa if you knew the answer to your question?  Not everyone gets TD and of those that do, it does go away for some after the drug is gone.  So, you don't want to increase withdrawal symptoms by taking action now, right?  Maybe you can distract yourself a bit.  I was on Celexa when I started feeling minor dystonia, but it's goes away sometimes now that I'm off ADs for 14 months.  So, I'm pretty certain it will go away for good once I'm done with WD.  Please try not to worry about something you may not get, if you can.

[DaveB]

On 4/18/2018 at 10:57 AM, Hazel said:

I can so relate.  I don’t remember feeling as horrible as I did on Monday in such a long time and it was really scary.  I have no idea where it came from either.  That is the frustrating thing about this process-there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason as to when or why the symptoms come and go.  It is pure torture to go from feeling like you are about to stabilize and have it all ripped away and go back to square one.  I don’t think we ever really go back to square one though.  Try to remember there is a lot of healing going on in a wave.  I felt the worst on Monday, Tuesday was awful as well, but started getting some relief in the afternoon.  This morning woke up with anxiety, but it has dissipated as the day is going on.  I don’t know that I am in the clear yet, but I am trying to enjoy the calm while I have it.  So, yes, I really do believe your suffering will end.  Try to remind yourself that this is withdrawal-it’s not you, and you will get better.  You will get through this.  

Are you doing better Hazel? Hopefully your setback was short lived! I have just had a horrible couple of days, especially in the mornings. I don't know what is going on, a week ago I was so stable, now I am almost non-functional. I am getting desperate and don't know what to do!

[DaveB]

22 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I think it will end, Dave.  I really do because it has for so many other people.  Also, it will get better over time.  So, today may be awful, but it will end, and there will be better days.  My husband says I'm better in June after having a hard Springtime.  This WD has been going on for years and that is always the pattern, he promises me. (Mine started in May of 2011 when I switched drugs, but I didn't know I had WD.  Of course, it got a lot worse when I quit Zoloft.). I hold on to hope that he's right, and everything will settle down in another month or two.

 

Boy would I love to know that things will settle in a month or two, this feels like it will never end. I don't know what triggered this latest setback, but it has been a really bad one. 

[Hazel]

25 minutes ago, DaveB said:

Are you doing better Hazel? Hopefully your setback was short lived! I have just had a horrible couple of days, especially in the mornings. I don't know what is going on, a week ago I was so stable, now I am almost non-functional. I am getting desperate and don't know what to do!

I’ve really been struggling again today.  The anxiety has been almost constant.  I’m so sorry you are struggling too.  This whole process is just so hard-especially when people around you have no idea what this is like.  I am at work today putting on a happy face but feel awful.  I keep telling myself it is withdrawal and it will pass.  

Do you have to work today or can you take some time off?  Remember to be gentle with yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  I am here if you need to vent-I know how lonely this can feel.

[Waterfall]

Hey Dave, 

 

I wish I had some better words of encouragement.  

I can only say I know how hard it is.  

The ups the downs.  The doubts and uncertainty. 

Am I doing it right?  Should I be doing this, or that?  

Exercise more?  Or less?  

 

I've also had some really awful days lately.  

It's hard not to be afraid that it will stay like that. 

That we'll get stuck.  

 

Try not to be too discouraged that you've hit a bad wave

even after 3 months since you've begun to hold.  

I know.  It's so hard to wait.  But I've learned that 3 months, 

in the world of WD, is not very long at all.  

 

I'm partly in my own mess, because I just can't be patient enough. 

So I've cold turkeyed.  More than once.  

Try be patient.  From all that I've read, it will be easier if you are.  

Your poor brain has been through a lot.  

You've been through a lot.  

Try to give it time.  

 

I know this too.  Looking at the road ahead can be discouraging.  

So just take it one baby step at a time.  

You just have to get through this day.  

This hour.  

This minute.  

 

Like others have said to me, 

One day you'll look back, and be surprised how far you've come. 

You'll wake up one day, and think... 

Huh, I actually don't feel so bad today.  

When did those things fade away?  

 

Sorry... I hope that was encouraging. 

I wish I could ease your journey.  

Even just a little.  

 

 

[DaveB]

33 minutes ago, Hazel said:

I’ve really been struggling again today.  The anxiety has been almost constant.  I’m so sorry you are struggling too.  This whole process is just so hard-especially when people around you have no idea what this is like.  I am at work today putting on a happy face but feel awful.  I keep telling myself it is withdrawal and it will pass.  

Do you have to work today or can you take some time off?  Remember to be gentle with yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  I am here if you need to vent-I know how lonely this can feel.

 

I am working unfortunately. Not sure taking time off would be beneficial anyway, I am better when I am busy. Sorry you are struggling again, not sure what the deal is. 

[DaveB]

21 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

Hey Dave, 

 

I wish I had some better words of encouragement.  

I can only say I know how hard it is.  

The ups the downs.  The doubts and uncertainty. 

Am I doing it right?  Should I be doing this, or that?  

Exercise more?  Or less?  

 

I've also had some really awful days lately.  

It's hard not to be afraid that it will stay like that. 

That we'll get stuck.  

 

Try not to be too discouraged that you've hit a bad wave

even after 3 months since you've begun to hold.  

I know.  It's so hard to wait.  But I've learned that 3 months, 

in the world of WD, is not very long at all.  

 

I'm partly in my own mess, because I just can't be patient enough. 

So I've cold turkeyed.  More than once.  

Try be patient.  From all that I've read, it will be easier if you are.  

Your poor brain has been through a lot.  

You've been through a lot.  

Try to give it time.  

 

I know this too.  Looking at the road ahead can be discouraging.  

So just take it one baby step at a time.  

You just have to get through this day.  

This hour.  

This minute.  

 

Like others have said to me, 

One day you'll look back, and be surprised how far you've come. 

You'll wake up one day, and think... 

Huh, I actually don't feel so bad today.  

When did those things fade away?  

 

Sorry... I hope that was encouraging. 

I wish I could ease your journey.  

Even just a little.  

 

 

 

Thanks for your words, I really appreciate it. Sad this is that "one day" when we look back was Saturday for me. I was very surprised at how far I had come and that I had no anxiety...then this week hit!