☼ meistersinger

[meistersinger]

I just got off the phone with Bell Socialization Services. I have an appointment with them on Friday at 10:30. I've a feeling I'm going to fall through the cracks again.i'm tired of the lip service. Any wonder the conservatives want to dismantle all support for social services?

[Shanti]

I just got off the phone with Bell Socialization Services. I have an appointment with them on Friday at 10:30. I've a feeling I'm going to fall through the cracks again.i'm tired of the lip service. Any wonder the conservatives want to dismantle all support for social services?

 

It's beyond me why they want people to suffer, and especially wonder why they have support. I mean, it can only come from self interest in their greed for wealth. But what really gets me is how they get support even from working people. They are blind and being led to the slaughter like sheep. I'm sorry you're going through this. I believe things will change with the system. I have to have hope and faith that good conscience in people will win.

[Barbarannamated]

Meistersinger,

 

I ran into a similar roadblock with retraining. I had a college degree, so didn't qualify for any programs. What I really needed years ago was to get back into a schedule and structure that I lost. I would have taken just about any class that required I be there on a schedule. That sounds pathetic, but once I got away from structure, I lost all confidence.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I hope that Bell has housing or the hotel will work out a deal for you until you can find a home. How long will you be ok at the hotel?

[meistersinger]

1348089272[/url]' post='32531']

Meistersinger,

 

I ran into a similar roadblock with retraining. I had a college degree, so didn't qualify for any programs. What I really needed years ago was to get back into a schedule and structure that I lost. I would have taken just about any class that required I be there on a schedule. That sounds pathetic, but once I got away from structure, I lost all confidence.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I hope that Bell has housing or the hotel will work out a deal for you until you can find a home. How long will you be ok at the hotel?

 

i have 900.00 of my inheritance left. i would say, roughly 4 weeks at the motel. Until I get the back pay from ssdi, and I hope it is soon, i'm screwed.

Unfortunately, like all the other service agencies around here, they are also full and overflowing. The county determines who gets first priority, and there are several more people in front of me.

[meistersinger]

I just spoke to social security. In addition to paying my attorney, which they take off the top and send to him, I will have to pay him the documentation fees, pay back the state for general assistance, pay the Feds for the student loans I have not been able to pay. I'll probably end up in the streets anyhow, since there won't be anything left after all the deductions from the back pay. If I make over 1000 per month, I lose disability, if I go back to work full time, I lose disability. Why did I even bother applying? It looks like my brothers will get the last laugh anyhow. AARGH!

[Barbarannamated]

Meistersinger,

 

$1000 extra per month in addition to your SSD payments can make quite a difference, imo. $12,000/ year on top of your disability payments is a significant chunk of change in your area. Also, Social Security Disabilty has an excellent Return to Work/Trial Work program. If all disability programs were run in similar way, I think many more people would try to return to some work because there is a safety net built in. With the program I have, I cannot earn anything additional and if I return to work, there is no trial period as with SSDI.

 

Here's some info: http://www.ssa.gov/redbook/eng/ssdi-only-employment-supports.htm#1

[meistersinger]

Here I am at 3:30 in the morning filled with anxiety. I have no idea what to believe any more. I would not be surprised, if deep down, a lot of other people feel the same way. I was labeled bipolar, yet everything thing that happened or will happen in the future is my fault, and i take full responsibility for it. I was labeled with Asperger's, yet i feel that is a fraudulent diagnosis. I want friends, yet I can't stand to be around most people. My brothers think I'm a lazy bum, and I agree, yet current economic conditions leave me no choices. I want to work at what I'm good at doing, yet I'm told to abandon my dreams and take the first job that is offered. I want to work , yet I want to do nothing. I'm grateful to everyone that has given me a hand to help me out, yet I'm also repulsed by the idea. I am trying to get help from social services organizations, but the bureaucracy is frustrating and I don't feel I need it. I've thought of suicide, yet the very idea repulsed me. I want to do something, but I'm frozen with fear in doing it. I think both psychiatry and psychology is a fraud, yet there isn't a better alternative. Yes, everything has and always was corrupted by money, yet money has to flow in order to get things done. I speak my mind and hack people off at times, yet I hold back in order to spare everyone else's feelings. I think everything is bulls***, yet the record says its true.I love my brother, yet I hate their guts. Ditto with my parents and grand parents. The same with my sister in laws. While I'm glad I got disability, I hate the idea. While I want to work, I'm told I'm too old. Frankly, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. I do nothing because of it. I've been marginalized by everyone, yet I deserve it. Can someone please tell me what to do or think, as I no longer know or care.

 

Barb, your topic in your introduction says it so truthfully. Someone said a long time ago, whether you can't or whether you can, you're right. Someone please tell me which end is up?

[Skyler]

Hi meister.. I'm very sorry all these changes are so challenging. It must seem like you don't have time to acclimate to one thing when something else that's new comes along. Your world was pretty much unchanging and now everything is nuanced, one variable is dependent on another, not predictable, not concrete.

 

From what I've seen of your posts, you do have Asperger's, and do not have bipolar (this is almost always an add on because of the effects of ADs anyway.. true bipolar with mania is rare except when triggered by an AD and the latter is psychologically very different in presentation). One suggestion? I would think some counseling to help you process all that is happening might be a benefit, but you should have a therapist who understands the emotional aspects of Asperger's. Does the DD Counsel have anyone they could refer you to? You seem to be having difficulty with input that contradicts messages your family gave you, that you are a worthwhile person who is deserving when they always told you you were not.

 

Also.. Barb is right, you are not tied in by the SSA award in any way that is meaningful, au contraire.. you should be eligible for help through the OVR. Possibly be assigned a job coach who can help set you up in a work situation you can handle. SSA is NOT saying you are too old to work, only that under normal circumstances you cannot acquire new skills. With extra help I think you probably can work, but you need this entre into the system to activate the supports you need. A specialized profession can help you acquire skills and keep gainful employment. You will have access to these people, and with them can develop a plan of action that takes both your strengths and weaknesses into account. My MA is in Rehabilitation Counseling, so I do know of which I speak.

 

Bottom line... you are deserving of help despite the messages you internalized from your family to the contrary. The world is now telling you you deserve more than you were taught. There is a conflict between this message and the way your family treats you (has always treated you). So on top of the physical dislocation (homelessness), you are dealing with a change in the way you view yourself. Lots to cope with.

[starlitegirlx]

Here I am at 3:30 in the morning filled with anxiety. I have no idea what to believe any more. I would not be surprised, if deep down, a lot of other people feel the same way. I was labeled bipolar, yet everything thing that happened or will happen in the future is my fault, and i take full responsibility for it. I was labeled with Asperger's, yet i feel that is a fraudulent diagnosis. I want friends, yet I can't stand to be around most people. My brothers think I'm a lazy bum, and I agree, yet current economic conditions leave me no choices. I want to work at what I'm good at doing, yet I'm told to abandon my dreams and take the first job that is offered. I want to work , yet I want to do nothing. I'm grateful to everyone that has given me a hand to help me out, yet I'm also repulsed by the idea. I am trying to get help from social services organizations, but the bureaucracy is frustrating and I don't feel I need it. I've thought of suicide, yet the very idea repulsed me. I want to do something, but I'm frozen with fear in doing it. I think both psychiatry and psychology is a fraud, yet there isn't a better alternative. Yes, everything has and always was corrupted by money, yet money has to flow in order to get things done. I speak my mind and hack people off at times, yet I hold back in order to spare everyone else's feelings. I think everything is bulls***, yet the record says its true.I love my brother, yet I hate their guts. Ditto with my parents and grand parents. The same with my sister in laws. While I'm glad I got disability, I hate the idea. While I want to work, I'm told I'm too old. Frankly, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. I do nothing because of it. I've been marginalized by everyone, yet I deserve it. Can someone please tell me what to do or think, as I no longer know or care.

 

Barb, your topic in your introduction says it so truthfully. Someone said a long time ago, whether you can't or whether you can, you're right. Someone please tell me which end is up?

 

What you write here reminds me of how I felt after PTSD and almost makes me wonder if there's some post traumatic stuff going on for you with all you've been through. And with all you've been through and how your family and society indoctrinate us to the idea that we should be useful and productive and doing this or that and behaving this or that way it just makes folks like us dealing with anything that falls within the boundaries of mental health that much more confusing because there's no wheelchair or cancer that's overt to others. We look normal except when we aren't doing basic care. Not looking sickly triggers lots of judgment. Stick us in a wheelchair and attitudes change. I don't mean that to insult people who are in wheelchairs. I mean that to show how screwed up society is to imply that if you cannot see it, it doesn't exist.

 

I wish I could tell you which way is up, but that's part of your journey. What I can tell you is anything that devalues you as a human being or gives you a sense of repulsion toward yourself or gives you a sense of worthlessness is bullsh*t. I'd say that is not the way that is up. I'd say that's neuro emotion or situational depression or you internalizing what you've been told by family and society in general. No caring might actually be healthy in this case as it might mean that all this self attack has gotten you to the point where something in you is finding holes in it. Something in you is not letting it get to you at the level it once did. That's what happened with me. It was like one day that system that had me all wound up in unworthiness broke my ability to tolerate it and from then on it was pretty much whatever anyone thinks of me is not my problem and guess what? It isn't. Unless I make it be my problem.

 

The self-worth stuff is really, from my experience, something you have to work through on your own and determine that you are worthy despite all the lies you've been fed. There are no poor or unworthy creatures IMO. There are damaged ones, ones that have been damaged, but I just don't see unworthiness in anyone the way others might. I wish I could say the magic words to fix this, but you're having an internal struggle, one that I once had, too. We have to find a way through it. Sometimes the journey isn't that long because we look around and see others for who they are and how they behave and all that hypocrisy and discord between what constitutes worthiness just doesn't hold up against what we've been told. Then, in my case, I found a new way to view self-worth. Now, I figure that I'm here. I'm alive so I must be worthy in someway or why would I be here. I also think of what I've been through and look at all the people around me and see so many that have all these nice things and minimal problems from what I can see and I wonder how they would have survived in my place, living with all the things I have, going through what I have in my life. I wonder how many of them would have made it to where I am and not be drug addicts or criminals or just plain horribly angry and bitter people. I wonder about all that sort of stuff and then I even wonder about those who place these labels on us and think about what triggers a person do treat or judge another that way. Anger? Self-loathing? A need to feel better about themselves? A need that does not come from a good place at all. They're damaged too. I go through this with my mother. While she doesn't overtly abuse me, she lacks in areas where she could do better. And there is a history of neglect of me as a human being at times, devaluing my needs, wants, desires which was always hurtful and triggered a strong core of unworthiness. So now, at times, I get verbally abusive toward her because it's all she responds to. Anything else and I'm not here or not relevant or just someone to aid her in her life in some way. That's been very damaging and that damage now comes out in the form of unkind words to her when triggers present themselves which is why I avoid her as much as possible given that I'm forced to live with her and do love her despite all that.

 

Basically, what I'm saying is that you need to resolve this on your own, but the resolution rests in realizing where this idea of yourself as worthless came from and, more importantly, what caused that party to give you that idea be it through words or actions. Generally, those who are quick to condemn do it to cover their own issues. Sounds like your family (a bunch of black sheep as I think you put it in another post) is dumping their garbage on you to make themselves feel better about their own issues. Take from that what you will. To me, it pretty much invalidates all their judgements and puts them in the camp of 'incapable of passing judgement as it will always be biased in a negative way.'

 

Hope that helps some.

[Shanti]

Maybe the Buddhist philosophy might help. It's about duality, and the Middle Way. When you're stuck in the throws of duality, it means it's time to transcend that state of consciousness. In the Sedona Method, it talks about embracing both sides of the polarity, then letting BOTH go. I know it's hard to see what the Middle Way is, but it's not "grey" and so the term "Middle Way" doesn't describe it accurately. But I know that you never find it if you don't embrace and then let go of both sides.

[compsports]

Hi Meistersinger,

 

As an FYI, I don't have AS but have similar type issues which were diagnosed before I ever took a crumb on psych meds. Wanting friends does not preclude you from having AS. I am not a professional like Schuyler is but having read your posts, it sounds like you have the condition.

 

By the way, at one point, I tried to deny I had any problems because it was so damm depressing. It was when I worked in special ed as a teaching assistant/job coach and had to use more advanced social skills that I realized my deficits were real.

 

Regarding your situation, it is normal to have conflicting feelings about someone.

 

Also, you are a smart worthwhile person who deserves the best. I am not just saying that to blow smoke. You have dealt with a horrific situation that many people without AS would have had a hard time navigating.

 

Hang in there.

 

CS

[areyouthere]

Here I am at 3:30 in the morning filled with anxiety. I have no idea what to believe any more. I would not be surprised, if deep down, a lot of other people feel the same way. I was labeled bipolar, yet everything thing that happened or will happen in the future is my fault, and i take full responsibility for it. I was labeled with Asperger's, yet i feel that is a fraudulent diagnosis. I want friends, yet I can't stand to be around most people. My brothers think I'm a lazy bum, and I agree, yet current economic conditions leave me no choices. I want to work at what I'm good at doing, yet I'm told to abandon my dreams and take the first job that is offered. I want to work , yet I want to do nothing. I'm grateful to everyone that has given me a hand to help me out, yet I'm also repulsed by the idea. I am trying to get help from social services organizations, but the bureaucracy is frustrating and I don't feel I need it. I've thought of suicide, yet the very idea repulsed me. I want to do something, but I'm frozen with fear in doing it. I think both psychiatry and psychology is a fraud, yet there isn't a better alternative. Yes, everything has and always was corrupted by money, yet money has to flow in order to get things done. I speak my mind and hack people off at times, yet I hold back in order to spare everyone else's feelings. I think everything is bulls***, yet the record says its true.I love my brother, yet I hate their guts. Ditto with my parents and grand parents. The same with my sister in laws. While I'm glad I got disability, I hate the idea. While I want to work, I'm told I'm too old. Frankly, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. I do nothing because of it. I've been marginalized by everyone, yet I deserve it. Can someone please tell me what to do or think, as I no longer know or care.

 

Barb, your topic in your introduction says it so truthfully. Someone said a long time ago, whether you can't or whether you can, you're right. Someone please tell me which end is up?

 

 

Oh, meistersinger. You speak from the heart of all men/people. When you find the answer be sure to post it.

 

But I personally fear , as some have alluded to, that we all have to find/ design our own way.

 

In the mean time, know that you are cared for and respected here and from somewhere divine. Perhaps that is a part of the answer? We have to love and respect ourselves when it seems no one else can. Oh. Here: from Dr. Seuse

 

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"

[Barbarannamated]

Hey, Meistersinger,

 

Do you think a lazy bum would be asking these questions and experiencing the inner conflict you are?

 

Your feelings about Disabilty are VERY NATURAL. Try to accept the assistance as the benefit that you earned by paying into the system during years of employment. It doesnt have to be permanent. Take time to catch your breath and regroup. You have alot to offer.

[meistersinger]

Hi meister.. I'm very sorry all these changes are so challenging. It must seem like you don't have time to acclimate to one thing when something else that's new comes along. Your world was pretty much unchanging and now everything is nuanced, one variable is dependent on another, not predictable, not concrete.

 

From what I've seen of your posts, you do have Asperger's, and do not have bipolar (this is almost always an add on because of the effects of ADs anyway.. true bipolar with mania is rare except when triggered by an AD and the latter is psychologically very different in presentation). One suggestion? I would think some counseling to help you process all that is happening might be a benefit, but you should have a therapist who understands the emotional aspects of Asperger's. Does the DD Counsel have anyone they could refer you to? You seem to be having difficulty with input that contradicts messages your family gave you, that you are a worthwhile person who is deserving when they always told you you were not.

 

Also.. Barb is right, you are not tied in by the SSA award in any way that is meaningful, au contraire.. you should be eligible for help through the OVR. Possibly be assigned a job coach who can help set you up in a work situation you can handle. SSA is NOT saying you are too old to work, only that under normal circumstances you cannot acquire new skills. With extra help I think you probably can work, but you need this entre into the system to activate the supports you need. A specialized profession can help you acquire skills and keep gainful employment. You will have access to these people, and with them can develop a plan of action that takes both your strengths and weaknesses into account. My MA is in Rehabilitation Counseling, so I do know of which I speak.

 

Bottom line... you are deserving of help despite the messages you internalized from your family to the contrary. The world is now telling you you deserve more than you were taught. There is a conflict between this message and the way your family treats you (has always treated you). So on top of the physical dislocation (homelessness), you are dealing with a change in the way you view yourself. Lots to cope with.

 

Thanks. I did speak to my caseworker at Bell Socialization Services Yesterday. Turns out she is a recovered mental health patient herself, although I'd never know it from speaking to her. We discussed the bill payment service offered through mental health associates of york in regards to SSDI and bill I owe that went into collections, housing costs. I'll be calling my caseworker at MHMR to set that up. I also will be calling the area agency on aging regarding Dom care, and if I can get in that program. I also have to call Welfare, because my case is up for review, and I managed to lose that paperwork (AARGH!!!)

 

The caseworker at Bell discussed the recovery programs. I'm hoping they can get me in either their community residential apartment services or supported housing programs. She is already doing paperwork for the Clubhouse, which is housed in a former mortuary. They also have a vocational rehab program, as well as job coaching, which they coordinate through OVR. The only other thing I would like to get, if I ever get straightened out, is a dog, preferably a Shetland sheepdog (who was one of the three best friends I ever had. Mom had to put her down 2 weeks after dad died, 26 years ago. That is another reason I get so low and distressed this time of year, and start spending money.), a rough collie, a basset hound, or maybe a bloodhound.

 

She did recommend that I schedule more sessions with my therapist. Problem is, how many sessions will Medicaid pay?

[Skyler]

We discussed the bill payment service offered through mental health associates of york in regards to SSDI and bill I owe that went into collections, housing costs. I'll be calling my caseworker at MHMR to set that up. I also will be calling the area agency on aging regarding Dom care, and if I can get in that program. I also have to call Welfare, because my case is up for review, and I managed to lose that paperwork (AARGH!!!)

Excellent.. it sounds like you are getting help coordinating the services you need. Very important at this point. Dom care with the AOA, that is domenstic care? Would this provide you with help setting up an apartment, bill pay, that sort of thing? Sorry to hear about the Welfare review.. very close to when you don't need it anymore. It should pretty much be pro forma, as they should be able to see you will only be on for another month or so.

 

The caseworker at Bell discussed the recovery programs. I'm hoping they can get me in either their community residential apartment services or supported housing programs. They also have a vocational rehab program, as well as job coaching, which they coordinate through OVR.

Again, excellent. Now you are cooking!!!

 

The only other thing I would like to get, if I ever get straightened out, is a dog, preferably a Shetland sheepdog (who was one of the three best friends I ever had. Mom had to put her down 2 weeks after dad died, 26 years ago. That is another reason I get so low and distressed this time of year, and start spending money.), a rough collie, a basset hound, or maybe a bloodhound.

WOW! You are thinking about something that will be fun. Yes! The only note of caution is you may not be able to have a dog that weighs more than 20 lbs. because of restrictions, at least this is the way it goes with elderly housing. So you may have to down size from a Sheep Dog or Blood Hound.

 

She did recommend that I schedule more sessions with my therapist. Problem is, how many sessions will Medicaid pay?

 

I would have no idea on that.. but you have a new diagnosis, and that could potentially reset the clock for allowable sessions. A new ball game so to speak.

 

When everything is in place, you may just find out 'Life Can Be Good'.

 

You sound better today..

[meistersinger]

We discussed the bill payment service offered through mental health associates of york in regards to SSDI and bill I owe that went into collections, housing costs. I'll be calling my caseworker at MHMR to set that up. I also will be calling the area agency on aging regarding Dom care, and if I can get in that program. I also have to call Welfare, because my case is up for review, and I managed to lose that paperwork (AARGH!!!)

Excellent.. it sounds like you are getting help coordinating the services you need. Very important at this point. Dom care with the AOA, that is domenstic care? Would this provide you with help setting up an apartment, bill pay, that sort of thing? Sorry to hear about the Welfare review.. very close to when you don't need it anymore. It should pretty much be pro forma, as they should be able to see you will only be on for another month or so.

 

The caseworker at Bell discussed the recovery programs. I'm hoping they can get me in either their community residential apartment services or supported housing programs. They also have a vocational rehab program, as well as job coaching, which they coordinate through OVR.

Again, excellent. Now you are cooking!!!

 

The only other thing I would like to get, if I ever get straightened out, is a dog, preferably a Shetland sheepdog (who was one of the three best friends I ever had. Mom had to put her down 2 weeks after dad died, 26 years ago. That is another reason I get so low and distressed this time of year, and start spending money.), a rough collie, a basset hound, or maybe a bloodhound.

WOW! You thinking about something that will be fun. Yes! The only note of caution is you may not be able to have a dog that weighs more than 20 lbs. because of restrictions, at least this is the way it goes with elderly housing. So you may have to down size from a Sheep Dog or Blood Hound.

 

She did recommend that I schedule more sessions with my therapist. Problem is, how many sessions will Medicaid pay?

 

I would have no idea on that.. but you have a new diagnosis, and that could potentially reset the clock for allowable sessions. A new ball game so to speak.

 

When everything is in place, you may just find out 'Life Can Be Good'.

 

You sound better today..

 

I might need welfare for a bit, as I won't get Medicare deducted from my check for at least another year.

 

As for a dog, Shetland sheepdogs are a medium sized dog, bred down from the rough collie. They normally weigh in about 15-30 lbs. Basset hounds may be a problem also, considering they're dwarf bloodhounds.

[Barbarannamated]

Many apartments have adopted breed restrictions rather than weight restrictions. I don't know how prevalent it is or how it carries over to the living communities you mention.

 

I would much prefer a big quiet dog as a neighbor rather than a little yipper.

[Skyler]

Many apartments have adopted breed restrictions rather than weight restrictions. I don't know how prevalent it is or how it carries over to the living communities you mention.

 

I would much prefer a big quiet dog as a neighbor rather than a little yipper.

 

I'm not sure this is so for HUD subsidized. The limit is pretty strict and might even be 16 lbs. But there is one small dog breed that is NOT noisy. I know because I got one for my 90 yrs Dad in the past year. I screened well over 50 types of small dogs. My Dad seriously does not like dogs that bark, and he needed a small one due to his age and physical capabilities. We got a Brussels Griffon and she is a great pal. DOES NOT WOFF! For a reason I don't understand, they are not all that popular in the US.. but they should be. Griffons are fantastic for apartment living, especially when one needs a quiet critter. I don't know if you recall the dog that was in "As Good As It Gets".. but that would be his lil' gal.

[Nikki]

MS congratulations on getting SSSI....

 

I am having a panic attack right now thinking of my own situation. Feel immobilized in the mornings, particularly Sunday mornings. Immobilization is probably the worst thing.

 

Hugs

[starlitegirlx]

I'm not sure of medicaid, but medicare was pretty cheap with what it was paying and I what I had to pay when I had to go to the rape crisis center back in 2009 because a trigger stemming from a health issue brought back some of that stuff. I had to pay $40 per visit and realized rather quickly that this barely out of school chick was digging around for deep sexual abuse issues which did not exist but she kept going there. Also, I worked through it on my own and got past the trigger factor.

 

You might be better off if you can get into a local mental health center though they are less trained and it is hard to get in as they are pretty much taxed caseload wise. There also exists the possibility that you could find a therapist who would be willing to take you on for less since I believe the economy has probably hit them pretty hard. Not a lot of money from health care, not a lot of people with jobs who have the time to go to therapy, and so not a lot of business. Call some and ask them what is covered and what they would charge and explain you situation and the core issue you have since it really is a core issue of self-worth.

 

Best of luck. I hope you get the help you want and need. Congrats on getting SSA.

 

Regarding work, aim for a job that doesn't bring you anywhere near the cap they have. I got screwed on that because of my degrees, skills and where I wanted to work. I only did two shifts a week and it put me over and I had to go through very stressful stuff with them threatening to take it away. Twice. Ultimately the cost to my health and threats to losing the income of SSDI wasn't worth it. Nor was hearing that I way some sort of mooch when i had been suffering most of the time but doing it for some extra money as well as to give me some sense of value.

 

Not being able to find a job right now, and especially since you'll have money coming in now that you've got SSA, might be a sign that it's best to aim at doing what you can recovery wise rather than take on a job too. Unless one that fits your needs comes along while you search, aiming to not work if you're already dealing with a lot may be the best option. Also, a lower paying job with minimal stress is always best during times where we have other stressors, like recovery.

[meistersinger]

I'm not sure of medicaid, but medicare was pretty cheap with what it was paying and I what I had to pay when I had to go to the rape crisis center back in 2009 because a trigger stemming from a health issue brought back some of that stuff. I had to pay $40 per visit and realized rather quickly that this barely out of school chick was digging around for deep sexual abuse issues which did not exist but she kept going there. Also, I worked through it on my own and got past the trigger factor.

 

You might be better off if you can get into a local mental health center though they are less trained and it is hard to get in as they are pretty much taxed caseload wise. There also exists the possibility that you could find a therapist who would be willing to take you on for less since I believe the economy has probably hit them pretty hard. Not a lot of money from health care, not a lot of people with jobs who have the time to go to therapy, and so not a lot of business. Call some and ask them what is covered and what they would charge and explain you situation and the core issue you have since it really is a core issue of self-worth.

 

Best of luck. I hope you get the help you want and need. Congrats on getting SSA.

 

Regarding work, aim for a job that doesn't bring you anywhere near the cap they have. I got screwed on that because of my degrees, skills and where I wanted to work. I only did two shifts a week and it put me over and I had to go through very stressful stuff with them threatening to take it away. Twice. Ultimately the cost to my health and threats to losing the income of SSDI wasn't worth it. Nor was hearing that I way some sort of mooch when i had been suffering most of the time but doing it for some extra money as well as to give me some sense of value.

 

Not being able to find a job right now, and especially since you'll have money coming in now that you've got SSA, might be a sign that it's best to aim at doing what you can recovery wise rather than take on a job too. Unless one that fits your needs comes along while you search, aiming to not work if you're already dealing with a lot may be the best option. Also, a lower paying job with minimal stress is always best during times where we have other stressors, like recovery.

 

First, I need to find a place to live. I can't afford to stay in this motel much longer.

 

I've been working a relatively low stress job (pizza delivery), until last year, when I got the traffic ticket that started this. Ironic, delivering pizza and holding a master's degree.

 

I got to talking with one of the member's of my choir this morning. I'm now doubting the validity of anything described in the DSM (as if I didn't already know that). She is convinced that I am bipolar, due to all the spending I've done in the past, plus the mood swings. She suggested medication. I told her I've nothing but problems with drugs. She came back, I understand that, but you've got to do something. I told her I've been this way long before dad died. I told her i feel like damaged goods most of the time. She responded that I need to look myself in the mirror and say stop feeling that way, we don't want to lose you to the street and I've been carrying way too much baggage for far too long. I'll be calling Bell Socialization services tomorrow to see If I can talk to a peer specialist, since I won't have another appointment until next month.

[starlitegirlx]

First, I need to find a place to live. I can't afford to stay in this motel much longer.

 

I've been working a relatively low stress job (pizza delivery), until last year, when I got the traffic ticket that started this. Ironic, delivering pizza and holding a master's degree.

 

I got to talking with one of the member's of my choir this morning. I'm now doubting the validity of anything described in the DSM (as if I didn't already know that). She is convinced that I am bipolar, due to all the spending I've done in the past, plus the mood swings. She suggested medication. I told her I've nothing but problems with drugs. She came back, I understand that, but you've got to do something. I told her I've been this way long before dad died. I told her i feel like damaged goods most of the time. She responded that I need to look myself in the mirror and say stop feeling that way, we don't want to lose you to the street and I've been carrying way too much baggage for far too long. I'll be calling Bell Socialization services tomorrow to see If I can talk to a peer specialist, since I won't have another appointment until next month.

 

Finding a place to live is definitely first. I hope you find one soon. HUD is a good start.

 

DSM is only valid in certain areas as far as I'm concerned. Lots of people spend and have mood swings. Just depends on who pays attention and how they write it off as to how they classify it. Look at the way some rich people spend. Do they get labelled as bipolar? And I've seen some people have some extreme moodswings that never got a label on them. Personally, I think of it as poor coping. We aren't raised with healthy coping skills for the most part. In fact, we're raised to put possessions and looks before people, to judge, to condemn and to bury most of our emotions rather than cope with them in unhealthy ways. No wonder society is so screwed up.

 

I hope you get the help you need asap. I'm rooting for you!

[meistersinger]

The help that is coming may be too little, too late. I've been bawling my bloody head off almost all day, for no reason at all. I can no longer tell if it is the antidepressants, the withdrawal, the situation I'm in, the bad memories, or if I am like my autistic niece and nephew, having a meltdown. Why do you think I've been saying, can anyone please tell me which end is up? I honestly no longer know!

[Skyler]

The help that is coming may be too little, too late. I've been bawling my bloody head off almost all day, for no reason at all. I can no longer tell if it is the antidepressants, the withdrawal, the situation I'm in, the bad memories, or if I am like my autistic niece and nephew, having a meltdown. Why do you think I've been saying, can anyone please tell me which end is up? I honestly no longer know!

 

Hi meister.. glad you posted. There is alot going on for you right now. Do you agree housing is most crucial? I know you said you are on a wait list, and there are several people ahead of you. Did you get any idea as to when they might reach your name. Do you know how much your monthly award will be. Is the assistant minister you spoke of before available to you. You need more support than you are currently getting.

~S

[Barbarannamated]

Meistersinger,

 

I think it's a convergence of all of the factors you listed.

 

You are going through a time that is stressful under the best of health conditions. Your feelings are very understandable and likely magnified by withdrawal. I don't think I'd be handling it as well as you are. I've melted down under far less pressure.

 

Hang in there and keep posting, ok?

 

B

[meistersinger]

 

The help that is coming may be too little, too late. I've been bawling my bloody head off almost all day, for no reason at all. I can no longer tell if it is the antidepressants, the withdrawal, the situation I'm in, the bad memories, or if I am like my autistic niece and nephew, having a meltdown. Why do you think I've been saying, can anyone please tell me which end is up? I honestly no longer know!

 

Hi meister.. glad you posted. There is alot going on for you right now. Do you agree housing is most crucial? I know you said you are on a wait list, and there are several people ahead of you. Did you get any idea as to when they might reach your name. Do you know how much your monthly award will be. Is the assistant minister you spoke of before available to you. You need more support than you are currently getting.

~S

 

Housing is quite critical at this point. As for SSDI, I called Social Security this past Friday. The rep told me they have not received any word on the award at that time. It could be several weeks before I hear anything. My attorney will hear about how much the same time I will. He will want payment for the records fees when I receive the check, which will be minus the money I owe on student loans as well as what I need to pay back to the Commonwealth of PA for receiving General Assistance. I still don't know about housing. Getting hold of anyone in any of the social services here is next to impossible, since a good many people are moving here from New York, Baltimore/Wahington, and Philadelphia, and putting a strain on all of the services. I don't believe in lottery, so that's out of the question.

 

Like I posted earlier, I was speaking to the alto soloist yesterday, she can make the comment about bipolar, except she and her husband are well off. He's in sales and she's a cost accountant, even with aBachelor's degree in music. She was also concerned since, for as long as she's known me, I would be full of energy, reckless, and restless for several weeks at a time, then suddenly drop in energy and interestlong before the antidepressants. As a matter of fact, I've been like this since I was about 11 or 12. Mom and Dad believed in treating all of us kids equally, although I suspect that was mere lip service. I was eating like a horse back in grade school, mostly as a coping mechanism, since that's how she coped with her problem, as well as my paternal grandmother coped with problems. (how that memory is making me feel right now. Her favorite snack was her version of an ice cream sandwich: 2 HUGE slices of angel food cake, with a 2 inch slab of vanilla ice cream between the cake). But, it was always do as I say, not as I do, with mom and dad. I was always made to feel ashamed of most anything I did. Anything I was successful at was in spite of myself. Any reason I'm lazy, I'm so much of a perfectionist, I can't even meet my own goals any more, and gave up trying.It's probably why I stay to myself and why I keep at arm's length with my friends, when I do see them. I've always been taught these were character flaws and need to be corrected, no matter what. I just wish I knew how to fix it, as I've had to sublimate myself for way too long.

[Skyler]

Housing is quite critical at this point. As for SSDI, I called Social Security this past Friday. The rep told me they have not received any word on the award at that time. It could be several weeks before I hear anything. My attorney will hear about how much the same time I will. He will want payment for the records fees when I receive the check, which will be minus the money I owe on student loans as well as what I need to pay back to the Commonwealth of PA for receiving General Assistance. I still don't know about housing. Getting hold of anyone in any of the social services here is next to impossible, since a good many people are moving here from New York, Baltimore/Wahington, and Philadelphia, and putting a strain on all of the services. I don't believe in lottery, so that's out of the question.

 

I understand you do not want to enter into a lottery, but putting in an application for public housing is not the same. It's a matter of WHEN your name will come up not IF, and that makes it worthwhile. Have you signed up for any subsidized units as of yet?..

 

You may have to find something else in the meantime, and the stress sure can make you feel the way you described, but eventually this will get straightened out. I think your life will eventually seem way better than it has in a very long time, but that must be of little solace at this juncture. There is alot of unknown, and I doubt that any of us who are responding to you would do any better than you are now, if as well.

 

The difficulty finding someone to connect with in the social service system is the reason I suggested getting back in touch with your minister. I hope you get some sleep, and some peace of mind for tonight. ~S

 

 

 

I'm so very sorry this all has happened to you.. bigtime, you did nothing to bring this on.

[meistersinger]

 

Housing is quite critical at this point. As for SSDI, I called Social Security this past Friday. The rep told me they have not received any word on the award at that time. It could be several weeks before I hear anything. My attorney will hear about how much the same time I will. He will want payment for the records fees when I receive the check, which will be minus the money I owe on student loans as well as what I need to pay back to the Commonwealth of PA for receiving General Assistance. I still don't know about housing. Getting hold of anyone in any of the social services here is next to impossible, since a good many people are moving here from New York, Baltimore/Wahington, and Philadelphia, and putting a strain on all of the services. I don't believe in lottery, so that's out of the question.

 

I understand you do not want to enter into a lottery, but putting in an application for public housing is not the same. It's a matter of WHEN your name will come up not IF, and that makes it worthwhile. Have you signed up for any subsidized units as of yet?..

 

You may have to find something else in the meantime, and the stress sure can make you feel the way you described, but eventually this will get straightened out. I think your life will eventually seem way better than it has in a very long time, but that must be of little solace at this juncture. There is alot of unknown, and I doubt that any of us who are responding to you would do any better than you are now, if as well.

 

The difficulty finding someone to connect with in the social service system is the reason I suggested getting back in touch with your minister. I hope you get some sleep, and some peace of mind for tonight. ~S

 

 

 

I'm so very sorry this all has happened to you.. bigtime, you did nothing to bring this on.

 

Sorry, I meant the State Lottery, as in gambling. I put an application in last year for public housing, and was turned down when my name came up because of my psychiatrist recommendation, plus the foul up with my GP, who did recommend me, faxing the forms, which they never received, although I had the forms originally filled out by him. They would not accept them when I tried to hand them to the agency in person. Any wonder I'm so fouled up? I'm going to ask my caseworker at MHMR to see what is available, although I doubt she would be any help, as she is overloaded, like most social service workers.

 

I have advertised on Craigslist for a room in exchange for household chores. However, someone else tried doing that in the Philadelphia Area. PA Dept of Labor found out, and put an immediate stop to that practice.

 

I'll say something again to either pastor, although, I'll be referred to Lutheran Social Services, and go through another round of being referred around all over the place. My therapist, who has his MSW, was probably right when he said it was too bad that no one heard of Asperger's when I was a child, 50 years ago, since I would have gotten help at that time. That's why I made the comment that Asperger's was a lot of hooey, because a lot of people on the spectrum that were diagnosed, seem to be normal, in their own peculiar way. I asked, define normal. There is no stated definition, as far as I can find. What may be normal for me, is not normal to someone else. Everyone has their own specialties, so why pathologize it?

[Skyler]

Sorry, I meant the State Lottery, as in gambling. I put an application in last year for public housing, and was turned down when my name came up because of my psychiatrist recommendation, plus the foul up with my GP, who did recommend me, faxing the forms, which they never received, although I had the forms originally filled out by him. They would not accept them when I tried to hand them to the agency in person. Any wonder I'm so fouled up? I'm going to ask my caseworker at MHMR to see what is available, although I doubt she would be any help, as she is overloaded, like most social service workers.

 

I'll say something again to either pastor, although, I'll be referred to Lutheran Social Services, and go through another round of being referred around all over the place. Everyone has their own specialties, so why pathologize it?

 

My guess is your application was denied because you were not on Social Security and the reason your docs gave as to disability was not acceptable, but this is no longer an issue. You need to get applications in to everywhere that is reasonable. An advocate could help you go over all the housing options and coordinate your efforts. Lutheran Social Services sounds like a good option. Have they seen you since you were diagnosed with Asperger's. You should have someone who will review all the steps you have taken to get housing so far.

 

I'm unfamiliar with Bell South, so do not know what their specific mission is, though obviously they use HUD resources just as the Public Housing Authority does. You have applied through them, as in the paperwork has been submitted, am I correct here? Did the caseworker give you any indication as to how long the list is.. meaning the amount of time you need to wait.

 

Again, you need a case worker or advocate on the ground in PA. who will do a comprehensive assessment. Someone who will take the larger picture into account, not just what is going on with their particular agency. If Lutheran Services offers the best options for this sort of assistance, you would be well served to follow-up on your pastor's advice.

 

edited 8:27 AM

[Skyler]

Hi again.. Barb sent me a link to Bell Services.. they sound like a comprehensive resource to say the least.

 

Bell Family Shelter’s eleven-bedroom facility houses as many as forty people per night (about half of whom are under the age of 12) and provides all the basic needs for food, clothing and shelter. The Shelter’s intensive staff support helps many families secure permanent housing in fewer than 20 days.

The Bridge Housing program utilizes eight apartment units in York City and two single room occupancy units on the third floor of Bell Family Shelter.

Are you waiting for room in a facility house, or for word on one of their eight appartments. How does a place in the facility based house sound to you, is this a way of referring to the homeless shelter you are trying to avoid or an acceptable alternative that will keep you from needing to stay in a homeless shelter?

 

You may not need the Lutheran Social Services to help you explore resources (they would not need to give you a bunch of referrals), but they might offer you a support person who would act as a sounding board.

 

I would ask you if you want to follow-up on this in a PM, but you seem to have a number of people on the forum who are looking for updates and 'rooting' for you!

[meistersinger]

Just heard back from a prospective landlord. Unfortunately, he already rented the place, after I did not respond last Friday. I explained to him my meeting at Bell Socialization services ran quite long, and I didn't have a chance to call. No one's fault, but I'm miffed at myself for not calling him back sooner.

 

Right now I have writer's cramp from filling out forms for public housing. Although there are only 2 landlords for these sites, you have to go to each individual site to apply. I had to give my entire financial history, as per usual with government-sponsored housing provided by private contractors.

 

Still feeling somewhat tired. The state is widening E Market St where I am staying, which is also a state highway. I got up to the sounds of an argument in the room behind me. Of course, with me not doing much, I'd be accused as being lazy, even by mom, if she were still alive.

[meistersinger]

Hi again.. Barb sent me a link to Bell Services.. they sound like a comprehensive resource to say the least.

 

Bell Family Shelter’s eleven-bedroom facility houses as many as forty people per night (about half of whom are under the age of 12) and provides all the basic needs for food, clothing and shelter. The Shelter’s intensive staff support helps many families secure permanent housing in fewer than 20 days.

The Bridge Housing program utilizes eight apartment units in York City and two single room occupancy units on the third floor of Bell Family Shelter.

Are you waiting for room in a facility house, or for word on one of their eight appartments. How does a place in the facility based house sound to you, is this a way of referring to the homeless shelter you are trying to avoid or an acceptable alternative that will keep you from needing to stay in a homeless shelter?

 

You may not need the Lutheran Social Services to help you explore resources (they would not need to give you a bunch of referrals), but they might offer you a support person who would act as a sounding board.

 

I would ask you if you want to follow-up on this in a PM, but you seem to have a number of people on the forum who are looking for updates and 'rooting' for you!

 

Bell's Emergency Shelter is essentially a homeless shelter for families. I'm probably going to have to call my caseworker there and look at the programs for the mentally ill (that is, if I can stay awake.)

 

If I can figure out who to contact regarding HUD's section 8, I'd be doing it!

[Skyler]

Bell's Emergency Shelter is essentially a homeless shelter for families. I'm probably going to have to call my caseworker there and look at the programs for the mentally ill (that is, if I can stay awake.)

 

If I can figure out who to contact regarding HUD's section 8, I'd be doing it!

 

Long Long waits.. years all over the country for section 8 vouchers. And even then they are not what they are cracked up to be. The amount awarded is so little apts. are often not up to par, or in a bad area.

 

What is with programs for the mentally ill. Is there availability?

 

One thought.. you mentioned the folks at the PHA gave your papers back. Do you still have them.. Does your caseworker know you applied and your application was not accepted. It's possible the manager at the PHA should have put you on the wait list pending the determination for SSA eligibility. I wonder if your name would have been coming up soon had he/she kept your application on file. If there is verification around that you tried to apply.. I dunno, but it's worth an inquiry IMHO.

 

And you are sleepy.. not so much last night? You really are doing very well given everything, but no way the stress is not taking a toll.

[meistersinger]

 

Bell's Emergency Shelter is essentially a homeless shelter for families. I'm probably going to have to call my caseworker there and look at the programs for the mentally ill (that is, if I can stay awake.)

 

If I can figure out who to contact regarding HUD's section 8, I'd be doing it!

 

Long Long waits.. years all over the country for section 8 vouchers. And even then they are not what they are cracked up to be. The amount awarded is so little apts. are often not up to par, or in a bad area.

 

What is with programs for the mentally ill. Is there availability?

 

One thought.. you mentioned the folks at the PHA gave your papers back. Do you still have them.. Does your caseworker know you applied and your application was not accepted. It's possible the manager at the PHA should have put you on the wait list pending the determination for SSA eligibility. I wonder if your name would have been coming up soon had he/she kept your application on file. If there is verification around that you tried to apply.. I dunno, but it's worth an inquiry IMHO.

 

And you are sleepy.. not so much last night? You really are doing very well given everything, but no way the stress is not taking a toll.

 

I haven't really gotten to them yet, as I've been trying to straighten out my paperwork, like Medicaid, as well as replay, where Social Security, through Mental Health America will pay the bills from my checking account (depending how much money is left after my student loans are paid. I might ask if MHA can work it out for a deal with the other debts I owe, due to being truely bipolar, since I had the mood swings, mania, depression, reckless spending, etc. as a teenager, long before anyone heard of antidepressants.

 

I may have a lead on a room. There was an ad on Craigslist for a room in a small farmhouse in the southern end of the county for 65.00 per week. The party renting the room is renting out his mother's room, since it sounds like she may be going into long-term care. This place is close to the horse farm I looked at last week. He called me at 11:37 this morning, according to the log on my iPhone. This guy sounds like an old farmer, if you have your own bed, use it, else he can supply whatever i need. Stay for any length of time as you need. I told him i was waiting on social security award letter and back pay, and why I was disabled. His attitude was hey, everyone gets that way, take your mess, do whatever you got to do to recover. This guy sounds like someone I can work with. Plus, the house is close to the York County Fiddler's Association grounds. That type of country and western music, namely traditional bluegrass, I can handle. He's to call me back sometime this evening. I'll try to work something out at that time. I'm one of those that need to be treated with kindness, since I've been not getting much from family lately.

 

As for not sleeping last night, PennDOT has been widening the East Market Street (PA 462) for some time. Their contractor has been running the trucks most of the night last night. That, and the family on the other side of the wall were at each others throats again last night.

[Skyler]

I haven't really gotten to them yet, as I've been trying to straighten out my paperwork, like Medicaid, as well as replay, where Social Security, through Mental Health America will pay the bills from my checking account (depending how much money is left after my student loans are paid. I might ask if MHA can work it out for a deal with the other debts I owe, due to being truely bipolar, since I had the mood swings, mania, depression, etc. as a teenager, long before anyone heard of antidepressants.

You will let them know about the Asperger's diagnosis? IF you are bipolar, that diagnosis would be secondary to the Asperger's, as the latter would have shaped the way you experience life. Asperger's will most likely have more weight and is a developmental issue so there is no way you were not effected right from the getgo. The diagnosis of bipolar is being thrown all over the place, the MI Du Jour if you will, and everyone who was ever moody seems to be tagged with this. And it's just a label in any case, the rampant overuse of which makes me very uneasy, a huge gateway to a host of psychotropic drugs. Do whatever you can to get the student loan dismissed or reduced. You are deserving. Is there anyone who can act as an advocate for you with this? As you know, getting this out of the way really is a big deal.

 

I may have a lead on a room. There was an ad on Craigslist for a room in a small farmhouse in the southern end of the county for 65.00 per week. The party renting the room is renting out his mother's room, since it sounds like she may be going into long-term care. This place is close to the horse farm I looked at last week. He called me at 11:37 this morning, according to the log on my iPhone. This guy sounds like an old farmer, if you have your own bed, use it, else he can supply it. Stay for any length of time as you need. I told him i was waiting on social security award letter and back pay, and why I was disabled. His attitude was hey, everyone gets that way, take your mess, do whatever you got to do to recover. This guy sounds like someone I can work with. Plus, the house is close to the York County Fiddler's Association grounds. That type of country and western music, namely traditional bluegrass, I can handle. He's to call me back sometime this evening. I'll try to work something out at that time.

 

Sounds very good... hope you hear something positive.

[Barbarannamated]

The room sounds great, Meistersinger. I hope it works out.

 

Yes, you deserve to be treated with kindness. I'm very sorry your family does not understand you or appear to try.

 

When I got disability, the lawyer handled juggling of funds after I was settled. Most important is finding yourself a comfortable and safe home. The rest will work itself out.

 

I'm searching for the thread where you posted about the Peer Run homes and can't find. Is that anything that might help?

 

You're doing a phenomenal job of tracking down opportunities. I sincerely admire your strength under pressure.

 

Looking forward to updates.

 

B