prairierose: rose of the prairie turned to dustbowl

[brassmonkey]

Hi Boymom-- If you are seriously thinking of harming yourself please get face to face help from someone local.  SA is unequipped to handle emergencies of this type on line.  Here is what information we have of resources  that may be able to help.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/7619-for-those-who-are-feeling-desperate-or-suicidal/

 

I'm very sorry that you are having so much trouble, your doctor and naturopath are not helping very much.  One of the supplements you are taking, beta phenyl gamma aminobutryic acid (commonly called phenibut) is something we come across every once in while and it always causes problems.  It acts like a benzo and frequently causes depression and SI.  It does need to be tapered.

 

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/8933-kavinace-phenibut-or-phenyl-gaba-for-sleep/?tab=comments#comment-150570

 

Please keep yourself safe.

 

I have hidden your post because it is SA policy to keep suicidal threats out of the eyes of the membership.

Edited July 4, 2019 by brassmonkey
Added reason for hiding post.

[manymoretodays]

Hi boymom,

 

You haven't updated us for awhile, and I'm new to your specifics, so bear with me, and if you can, fill us in a bit more.

Where are you at now with safety?  Do you have someone with you now who might be able to help you with these feelings of SI.  As well as to hopefully help with some of your more practical needs that may have arisen?

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

There are some excellent resources here ^ too, if you need to talk to someone.

Many states offer warmlines as well, some are listed in that link and I can PM you with one that is open now, mountain time USA, that generally runs from 8am- 10 or 11 pm. 

Warm lines have been established as alternatives to crisis lines.  You'll be met with a peer(someone who has experienced similar mental health challenges) voice, and generally have about 15-20 minutes to share with them, twice a day.   They in turn will listen, and then perhaps offer you suggestions to cope, or their own personal experiences that may relate to how you are feeling now.  I've had really good interactions and experiences, with this particular warmline.

 

Have you been able to eat at all today?  Even something small might help.

We don't recommend a whole lot in the way of supplements here.  See:  Don't waste your money on these supplements.

 

Please update us, when possible.

I'm wondering what if any medications/drugs you might be on now, in addition to the supplements you have been taking.

You can update your signature here:  Account Settings

Tick the signature selection on the left.

Please include dates, medications by name and dosage, and any tapering you might have done in the past 2 years.

 

Also really helpful, would be some daily notes.  Keep it simple.  Note the date.  Then time on the left.  On the right list any supplements, medications/drugs by name and dosage, as well as current symptoms.  Best to use a rating scale for current symptoms.

Daily notes format to post here, on your introduction, with example.

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

 

 

It appears from your present signature that you have had many medications in the more recent past. 

All for now, and hugs, 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

[Altostrata]

boymom, what drug did you come off? Was it 5mg Lexapro? Do you have any left?

 

What are your current symptoms?

[Eastcoastgirl]

I'm not a mod but I just read through your thread and for someone who has a very destabilized nervous system right now you're taking a lot of supplements. SA only recommends magnesium and omega 3's because many other things that would seem benign to the average person can make people in withdrawal a lot worse. Have you considered stopping all the supplements to see if you would improve? 

 

Also taking progesterone and messing with your hormones can drastically change your mood, especially if low progesterone is not the issue. Did your doc test your hormones before giving you progesterone? A lot of us here developed PMDD like symptoms in withdrawal that mimics hormone imbalance. 

[manymoretodays]

On 7/4/2019 at 6:24 AM, boymom said:

off of lexapro now for 7 weeks. I dont even know who I am anymore. I have lost myself in this process. so much regret guilt and shame. I remember my old life and how fun I was outgoing. now i wake up and not even my family feels like enough reason to live. constant suicidal and other harm thoughts. I dont have the ability to go and enjoy the 4th of July eith my family bc of the huge crowd. I have this awful inner pain. a restlessness I csnt describe but inwant to RIP off my own skin. my brain feels fried bc all of this. i wish i had never come off of the original drug inwas put on for anxiety. i tried going back on it but the s%#^ had already hit the fan by the time I knew what was happening it was too late tonreinstste.i dont feelnlove for the ones I love and I feel hate. they didnt do anything wrong. I'm yelling at my little boy and I never did that before. I used to teach Sunday school and special ed and sing in the choir at church. I ran my own business and had so much fun with my little boy and husband. all of that is over now. I know this isnt right to say but if I knew there was a drug that could make this all go back to normal I would run to it. I know these drugs are poisons but I just dont know how to survive this. I'm just 40 and my life is over now. I know I have a signature but I dont nnkw how to add it here. I'm sure I will get barked at about it. my mental abilities are toast

 

Hi boymom,

I found this post over in the Finding Meaning Forum.  You had titled it "What is all this for?"

 

Information like this, is important to keep right here on your introduction/journal, so that we all know what's going on with you.  You haven't done anything wrong and I'm not barking at you, this is just how we keep information organized here.  You'll see it here, on your introduction, now.  Lot's of good topics in Finding Meaning forum that may give you hope and strength now.  This WD stuff is horrendous sometimes.  We know.

 

I do see your signature below your postings.  Signatures are the sections that you see below other members posts, unless viewing from a phone device.  Believe me, they help us to help and advise you. 

As do the daily notes.

(More about both of those in previous posts).

 

20 hours ago, Altostrata said:

boymom, what drug did you come off? Was it 5mg Lexapro? Do you have any left?

 

What are your current symptoms?

 

Did you come off both the 5HTP and Lexapro at the same time?

You may find some relief of WD symptoms now, at 7 weeks off the Lexapro, by doing a small reinstatement.  When I say small, that means a 0.5 mg dose.  0.5 mg may be the most cautious approach, as it does sound like your system is highly sensitive now.  You would stay on that for 4 to 7 days to see if it provides some relief.  As long as it doesn't make things worse.  And then if it helps, you might go up to 1 mg.  Then, you simply stay there until you've gotten some WD stability for awhile before tapering off.

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms
 

Tips for tapering off Lexapro

^ you can make your own liquid to get the doses that you would need

 

Oh boymom,  I know how it is.......I mean I remember some of that horrible unrest and irritability that acute WD brought.  We call those neuroemotions

I'm sorry you had to miss doing the holiday the way you would have liked to.  

It does get better.

What is withdrawal syndrome?

The windows and waves pattern of stabilization

 

Please update us when you can.

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited July 5, 2019 by manymoretodays
elaoration, additional thoughts

[prairierose]

Topic title:  harm OCD? or am I psycho now

 

hello. the first symptom I got other than irritability was thoughts of harming my son. they rapid fired at me all day and all night. never in my life did i have OCD and my son is my world. 2yrs into this battle and I am just now off my last drug. no longer able to work bc I cant stop thinking about it and my job was cooking for people in their homes. I dont feel joy or laughter anymore. I remember things that we used to do and how unimaginable this all is. the trips we took. the games we played. now I cant even sleep bc the impulses seem so strong. I stole my sons mom from him by doing this. I have no where to turn. I cant reinstate. honestly if I knew a drug would give me my life back I would run right now and get it. I know this has changed me forever. I read this site all day looking for hope but finding none. my pharmacist and everyone I speak to says this is just the progression of disease and how do I know that it isnt? i am at this point waiting for death. this is not something time will fix I'm afraid. I'm doing everything i can but o dont know what is a temporary symptom and what is the forever me. how does someone turn from being an active amazing and loving mom to someone who thinks and feels the things I am thinking and feeling? it is dark and awful and nothing but never ending torture. if this is the forever me then i have to protect my family the only way I can. 

I went from having anxiety (original reason for the drug) to being suicidal with homicidal ideations... possible personality disorder and I dont think i can risk this. i have glimmers of myself but 1 good half day out of 30 is just enough to be a cruel trick. I dont know what to do. a mom has to protect her child even if it means inflicting heartbreak onto them. just bc I didnt like taking a little pill. i didnt have any bad side effects i just didnt want to have to tske ot anymore. now my life is done. Sunday i almost felt i could write my success story. no success here. I will not post again. nothing can be done. 

 

Edited July 9, 2019 by prairierose
added topic title

[Altostrata]

10 hours ago, boymom said:

I cant reinstate.

 

Why can't you reinstate?

 

On 3/22/2019 at 5:36 AM, boymom said:

in the last 2 yrs? whew. I dont jnow if I can remember them all.

July 30th 2017 took my last bit of zoloft half of 25mg

December 2017 took 1 pill of prozac 10mg (bad reaction)

December 2017 went back on zoloft but 50mg

January 2018 they took my down to 25mg zoloft and added lamictal (small dose) 

stopped lamictal 2 weeks later

tried buspar had hives break out

went back to zoloft until summer 2018

July 2018 dr switched me to viibryd not sure of dose for one week and had bad reactions back to zoloft. then psych switched me to lexapro and quickly moved me up to 20mg (when suicidal thoughts began) October 2018 I began weaning myself off of lexapro. now at 5mg 

*as of 8 weeks ago naturopath added the following:

-100mg capsule of 5htp (am)

-calm which is 50mg of 5htp and 100mg of beta phenyl gamma aminobutryic acid hydrochloric

1 multivitamin called vitaperfect

the omega 3

1 5mthf 5mg

vitamin c called adrenal c

10000mg d3

at night I take

200mg of gaba

more omega 3

1 probiotic

progesterone

last week I started s acetyl glutathione bc I have lots of inflammation 

5mg lexapro

please help me soon

 

 

 

In March, you said you were taking 5mg Lexapro? When was the last time you took it?

 

We see people every day who have antidepressant withdrawal syndrome and think their brains are broken.

 

It seems to me that you got withdrawal symptoms from going off Zoloft too fast, then had an adverse reaction to 10mg Prozac and a series of drugs after that. That is also a very familiar story here -- your nervous system gets sensitized by withdrawal and then you have bad reactions to other drugs.

 

Have you been taking an occasional benzodiazepine?

 

You can dig yourself out of this, but you'll have to calm yourself down and answer questions from the staff.

[Daisygirlsk]

13 hours ago, boymom said:

Topic title:  harm OCD? or am I psycho now

 

hello. the first symptom I got other than irritability was thoughts of harming my son. they rapid fired at me all day and all night. never in my life did i have OCD and my son is my world. 2yrs into this battle and I am just now off my last drug. no longer able to work bc I cant stop thinking about it and my job was cooking for people in their homes. I dont feel joy or laughter anymore. I remember things that we used to do and how unimaginable this all is. the trips we took. the games we played. now I cant even sleep bc the impulses seem so strong. I stole my sons mom from him by doing this. I have no where to turn. I cant reinstate. honestly if I knew a drug would give me my life back I would run right now and get it. I know this has changed me forever. I read this site all day looking for hope but finding none. my pharmacist and everyone I speak to says this is just the progression of disease and how do I know that it isnt? i am at this point waiting for death. this is not something time will fix I'm afraid. I'm doing everything i can but o dont know what is a temporary symptom and what is the forever me. how does someone turn from being an active amazing and loving mom to someone who thinks and feels the things I am thinking and feeling? it is dark and awful and nothing but never ending torture. if this is the forever me then i have to protect my family the only way I can. 

I went from having anxiety (original reason for the drug) to being suicidal with homicidal ideations... possible personality disorder and I dont think i can risk this. i have glimmers of myself but 1 good half day out of 30 is just enough to be a cruel trick. I dont know what to do. a mom has to protect her child even if it means inflicting heartbreak onto them. just bc I didnt like taking a little pill. i didnt have any bad side effects i just didnt want to have to tske ot anymore. now my life is done. Sunday i almost felt i could write my success story. no success here. I will not post again. nothing can be done. 

 

Hi there

Long story short I rapid tapered citalopram, the sister drug of escitalopram (lexapro) in April 2018 because i didnt know any better and that is what my doctor told me to do. About two weeks after I stopped the drug I started getting rapid fire violent images in my head all day everyday for months on end. I became extremely suicidal in November 2018 and so I saw a psychiatrist not knowing that I was in drug withdrawal. She put me back at full dose and I had a severe reaction. I came across this website in December 2018. When I reinstated the drug I only took it for about a week and stopped again because of the adverse reaction. I have been in withdrawal ever since. By far my most distressing and unrelenting symptom is the obsessive images exactly how you describe them. I had mild OCD all of my life but this is like a hundred times worse than anything I ever had before medication. If I get a period Of time of no intrusive thoughts for 20 minutes I consider that a long time. A lot of my other symptoms have gotten better though. One of the symptoms of withdrawal is actually to think that you are broken Beyond repair and that this is a permanent state. I have had really bad panic attacks because of the thought that this will never get better. But a lot of the symptoms have gotten better for me it's just the intrusive thoughts and some other things that linger. From everyone that I have talked to for the last 15 months it seems like Lexapro is the one that causes intrusive thoughts the most in withdrawal. I don't say that to scare you I say that to let you know 100% that this is withdrawal that you are going through. Our brains and bodies have a miraculous way of self-healing and you will get better. Reach out to me or message me whenever you need to. I have had about thirty-five symptoms total since this whole withdrawal started and I can honestly say that I only have about five or six that Linger on a continual basis. That may seem pathetic but for me that's humongous Improvement as I was pretty much non-functional for several months. You will get better we all get better and I am sending you love prayers and positive thoughts.

[prairierose]

On 7/4/2019 at 3:13 PM, Altostrata said:

boymom, what drug did you come off? Was it 5mg Lexapro? Do you have any left?

 

What are your current symptoms?

I am off the lexapro now. 8 weeks. I cant reinstate because I'm afraid of the drugs. guess it's a little souvenir of this. I have harm OCD now and my life is frozen. now I am reading about how well zoloft treats harm OCD and I feel like puking bc that's the drug I was on originally. so if inhave to go to meds to stop this then the smaller dose ibwas on wont work and they will have to out me on something much higher and all of this will have been for nothing. it's like getting bit by a snake and the only cure is more snakebites. 

[prairierose]

9 hours ago, Daisygirlsk said:

Hi there

Long story short I rapid tapered citalopram, the sister drug of escitalopram (lexapro) in April 2018 because i didnt know any better and that is what my doctor told me to do. About two weeks after I stopped the drug I started getting rapid fire violent images in my head all day everyday for months on end. I became extremely suicidal in November 2018 and so I saw a psychiatrist not knowing that I was in drug withdrawal. She put me back at full dose and I had a severe reaction. I came across this website in December 2018. When I reinstated the drug I only took it for about a week and stopped again because of the adverse reaction. I have been in withdrawal ever since. By far my most distressing and unrelenting symptom is the obsessive images exactly how you describe them. I had mild OCD all of my life but this is like a hundred times worse than anything I ever had before medication. If I get a period Of time of no intrusive thoughts for 20 minutes I consider that a long time. A lot of my other symptoms have gotten better though. One of the symptoms of withdrawal is actually to think that you are broken Beyond repair and that this is a permanent state. I have had really bad panic attacks because of the thought that this will never get better. But a lot of the symptoms have gotten better for me it's just the intrusive thoughts and some other things that linger. From everyone that I have talked to for the last 15 months it seems like Lexapro is the one that causes intrusive thoughts the most in withdrawal. I don't say that to scare you I say that to let you know 100% that this is withdrawal that you are going through. Our brains and bodies have a miraculous way of self-healing and you will get better. Reach out to me or message me whenever you need to. I have had about thirty-five symptoms total since this whole withdrawal started and I can honestly say that I only have about five or six that Linger on a continual basis. That may seem pathetic but for me that's humongous Improvement as I was pretty much non-functional for several months. You will get better we all get better and I am sending you love prayers and positive thoughts.

zoloft is actually the drug that I was on and went off too quickly. now I am unstable so I cant bring myself to work. I work with knives and now that I am in withdrawl theburge feeling is so much stronger. I have no interest in anything anymore. I feel like I must not love my son and husband bc all i do is think about this. we are going down the tubes badly. I cant believe this is happening to us. now I read about how the only way to get through this is to take more meds (zoloft is the one everyone recommends but at high doses) and exposure therapy. so in this withdrawl state and with the thoughts I have to write out all of the thoughts and record them and listen to them over and over and over. going back to the meds means all of what I've gone through was for nothing. 

[Altostrata]

boymom, why did you go off Lexapro? Do you feel better or worse now that you're off it?

 

If you feel worse, you might consider taking 0.5mg citalopram, Lexapro's gentler sibling. It comes in liquid form by prescription so you can take a very small amount.

 

You seem to rather freely apply psychiatric labels and terms to your condition and sensations. We don't put any stock in that here.

 

It's very unfortunate that everyone who comes here has suffered a failure in medical care, yourself included. To recover from it, you need to take charge of your own self-care. If you can't do that, we can't help you.

 

There's not going to be any easy fix. The very least you can do is calm yourself down, accept that you've been injured by drugs, and it will take months for you to recover. We're not going to enable you to continue to post panicky messages here, that's a form of self-harm. If you don't focus on taking care of yourself, there's nothing we can do for you, we're only an Internet forum.

[prairierose]

On 2/12/2015 at 6:11 PM, hopefullyhopeful23 said:

So this triggered you to have harm ocd? Even when off of it mine didn't appear until a few months after quitting zoloft

this is exactly what happened to me. now I have tried so many other drugs but I am now off all as ofn3 months. incant cope with this and I dont know what to do. it's all directed at my son and husband and self. my once amazingly happy life is all done. cant work. cant cook. my little boy is in counseling and my husband and I are on the edge. not sure how to regain any sort of life now.

[Altostrata]

boymom, are you seeing a psychotherapist? Did these thoughts exist before you started Prozac in December 2017? 

 

You very much need to talk to someone about this.

 

Are you still taking progesterone? Have you looked into the adverse effects? It is a steroid.

[manymoretodays]

How are you doing now, boymom?

Are you still on the Lexapro 5 mg shown in your signature?

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[Rosetta]

Hi, boymom,

 

You asked me on another person’s thread what my intrusive thoughts were.  They are difficult to talk about.  They are mostly gone.  Time really does heal the brain.  There is no doubt about that.  It takes a long time, so it’s no wonder that people give up hope.  

I hope this is reassuring.
 

My intrusive thoughts were about bad things happening to me or my daughter.   Sometimes, it was my husband.  These were the worst.  They were also more common.  More about them later.  I call them daymares.
 

As I said, usually, there was a thought that another person did something, but I did have strange urges that were not difficult to control, thank goodness.  They were more so disturbing, and depressing.  At first, I was very worried.  After a while, a long, torturous while, I realized that I didn’t need to be worried that I would act on them in the moment.  However,  I would worry about them later, and I would worry that they would get worse or that I would act on one in the future.  After some time, I realized I was not going to act on them, but they kept coming anyway.  I started to relax after that.  They were just thoughts, and I wasn’t in danger of doing something terrible in response to them.  Looking back, I think my brain healed some over time, and whatever real danger may have existed at one time faded away.
 

What were they? Sometimes, I wanted to drive off the road. That was the most disturbing thought in terms of actual harm that was realistically possible.  

I had two other types of intrusive thoughts that were upsetting: 1. That I was dying; and 2. That I would commit you know what.  These two others were very abstract, and there was no basis in reality.  After the thought, I worried I would get a disease like cancer or that I would drive off the road.  Again, I would worry about that sort of thing after the thought not that the “vision” or image in my mind was that concrete at the time of the thought.  It never was.

 

I also had what I call daymares.  These were very concrete, and very scary.  They were nightmares while I was awake.  I used to say I felt like I was living in a horror movie.  They were about bad people  trying to hurt my daughter or kidnap her or that I would lose her in a crowded place.  She was small and would wander off, so that fear was quite real and within the realm of possibility.  I worried that my husband would have an accident on the road or a heart attack.  I think that’s very normal for anyone, but what does not happen very often now is that a movie like scene would play out in my mind of this awful event.  They were detailed and extremely traumatic.  Edgar Allen Poe sort of stuff.  It was uncontrollable, and emotionally scarring.  That sort of thing didn’t happen before I took ADs, and it rarely happens now 3 years after I quit.

 

I believe absolutely that you are experiencing an effect of ADWD, that it will pass eventually, and that you are going to be ok.  The trauma heals.  I didn’t used to believe that, but that was because I was living through off and on WD for 27 years of my life.  I tried an AD for the first time in 1988.  I quit for good in 2016.  It took 2 and 1/2 years for me feel that I would recover.  I still have intrusive thoughts, but they aren’t scary ones very often.

 

By the way, I had a LOT of intrusive thoughts that were mundane, boring, random thoughts about nothing scary at all.  It was bizarre I realize now, but after over 20 years, it seemed normal, I suppose.  It was not until I switched cold turkey or quit cold turkey that the thoughts were very scary.  That’s another reason that I think there are gradations of ADWD.  It can be mild enough that one has no idea there is anything amiss.  
 

Even a severe case of this WD syndrome  (a short hand way of saying dysautonomia) will end.  Dysautonomia is a condition that can occur outside of drug ingestion, but it’s rare.  Brain injury from trauma or tumors can cause it.  Quitting alcohol can cause it.  There’s a very good reason that my daymares remind me of the writings of Edgar Allen Poe.  The use of opium by many authors of his time resulted in a type of literature that we probably don’t recognize as being a result of dysautonomia!

 

I hope you have seen some improvement that helps you see that you are going to heal.  Maybe it’s too early yet, but please trust me, it will happen.  I feel as if I’m talking to the me that existed 2 years ago.  Please hold on, and you will see.  Kids are very resilient.  I worried a lot about how this would affect my daughter.  She’s ok.  I’ll always worry, but that’s what moms do. I think once you recover, and you will, everyone will heal.  It’s going to be ok.  Not perfect, but ok.

 

-Rosetta

 

@boymom

[Rosetta]

So, 5 years ago a doctor gave you a prescription for 4 Ativan a day and 2 Klonopin before bed, and for 2 months you took those?  What were the doses? When did you stop those? It might be a good idea to put that info in your signature.

[prairierose]

rosetta. yes i remember now. i am so sorry ti repeat my question. i couldnt remember who i asked that of. thank you for responding. 

[Rosetta]

It’s fine.  I don’t remember you asking twice anyway.

[Teppo125]

@boymom

I experience exactly same thing as you about intrusive thoughts. I was only 2 months on escitalopram(lexapro) and I’ve got cold turkeyd by doctor. Then the intrusive thoughts came in about hurting my family or myself. They were really rough and I went to the therapist. It ’s withdrawal by escitalopram. Therapist said that I will be laughing to those thing when the withdrawal is over and therapy is over. I think that is the most brutal symptom what human can get from these drugs. But believe me. It’s gonna fade away, but it need TIME. I haven’t got it before that drug. And I believe it’s gonna go away. Now 8 months off and they are still here, but way more controllable than before. I think that these memories never go away. But they are only memories and it’s not gonna annoy then. OCD is that kind of illnes what comes when your brain are evolving. Major of OCD’s evolved in childhood. That’s what I had been told. Humans brains are fully evolved about 25’s. That’s also told to me. I believe that. So after that it’s just imbossible to get OCD. 
 

Hope❤️

[prairierose]

on the road to healing...for what its worth

 

its me again friends. checking in. madder than hell. at myself mostly. drs. therapists. family. the devil....God. mostly myself though. the akathisia has subsided. the burning acid brain....fading. ive even laughed although there isnt much to laugh about and likely wont be. there are still a lot of evil evil things about my brain that are hard to deal with on top of the memories. There weren't people like me who healed to be found so i had to talk to a bunch of dumb dumbs who mostly just scared the pee out of me. i fell into every trap there was and life wont ever be the same again. i should be ecstatic im no longer having such severe homicidal thoughts! im not ecstatic...i didnt know what was happening and i talked to too many people about it. thought Jesus would heal me if i only talked to the right person....i was torally bonkers and desperate. then the cops have come to check on my kid. that pain wont go. abuse i endured at the hands of psych wards and doctors and people online. all trying to help im sure but dont ever send articles about people harming others when that is their most terrifying symptom. they tend to think the only way out is to do something they cant take back. lots more i coild say but who cares anout the ramblings of the destroyed? im healing but it isnt like life will ever be ok. i wish i could forget for just one damn day.

 

Edited September 30, 2020 by prairierose
added topic title

[prairierose]

hey everyone! how can i put this mildly. mom of 2 handsome boys and a wife to a husband who has stood by me through helllllllllll.  life evaporated. in a heartbeat. off the offending meds now for 1.5yrs but Jesus. my symptoms are long and probably some of the worst youve ever heard. did wayyyyy too much reaching for help that is for sure and it bit me like a snake. ooof. lost my loved career and my motherhood and marriage as i had it has been ripped away. went to the behavioral help hospitals a few times. we all still live together but ive been sick so long and done so many unforgettable things. in a nut shell. not the mom i set out to be. anyway im going to take a peek around and probably just camp out in the success stories. maybe one day i can be one! i feel like ive touched the 40% healing line. maybe? 

symptoms that have fallen away or are fading:

psychosis (gone)

paranoia fading

terror gone

akathisia fading 

nightmares are rare

intrusive thoughts somewhat better but how could i know for sure whem the memories are so fresh?

emotional lability ehhhhh better 

burning feeling (now having huge windows)

not being able to recognize family is getting better

i can cook again (dang it lol)

i can drive yay

connection to family is getting better but it all feels like its been through a hail storm. 

feel less than (not really a symptom)

constantly think (everyone knows im mentally ill) wasnt before this though

sometimes it feels like someone is pulling a rubberband from the right side temple area.

feel evil is getting better but still there

looping words names thoughts

i am missing a ton of symptoms i know but they all blur together.

oh and ocd symptoms 

agoraphobia 

cannot look at myself in the mirror which is weird

dp/dr hard to say bc im in so much shock for lack of better words. 

not sure that life will ever be ok again but im willing to find out. still struggling hard most days. my support system sucks. thanks yall! off to take the kids to soccer and other assorted Thursday activities. doing my best to ignore my symptoms problems and bad memories. i have aged 15yrs i bet

any tips, chatting, and love from those who have been this bad and are better would be great...if there is a better. my brain is healing but will my broken heart?

love ya-

K

[prairierose]

i hope you are doing better! wow wow wow. weve got some stuff in common sister. pm me if you ever need to chat. 

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, prairierose.  It's a frustratingly long slow road, as you know as well as anybody, but it's very encouraging that your symptoms are fading and you're 40% healed.  

 

Could you please complete a drug signature with the drug(s) you were on and the approximate date of your last dose?  Use this link and press "save" when you're through.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

You might find the information in these links helpful.

Protracted Withdrawal or PAWS (post-acute withdrawal ...

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

These links explain the healing process really well.

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

We recommend non-drug coping skills to deal with withdrawal.  Take a look at the links in the following link and see which you thin might be helpful to you.

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

 

This is your Introduction topic, where you can ask questions and connect with other members.  We're glad you found your way here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[prairierose]

Gridley. i honestly cannot remember the details. i know what drug it was but little else. my brain is wiped of a ton of information. if my membership requires that info then im sorry but i cant do it. 

 

 

Edited October 2, 2020 by ChessieCat
Extracted response from quote

[Gridley]

12 hours ago, prairierose said:

membership requires that info

No, membership doesn't require that information.  If you can, just tell me the name of the drug.

[prairierose]

zoloft lexapro then a whole ton of drugs i was destroyed by in hospitals 

[prairierose]

titled:  Where are all the healed people?

 

i see the success stories and i read a lot of thank you to people they had to keep them standing but why is there no one as bad as me who will talk to me? im just starting to think there is no one as bad. what i wouldnt give for someone super severe and healed to visit eith me. this is so painful and lonely

Edited October 2, 2020 by manymoretodays
titled added, merged introduction topics

[manymoretodays]

6 hours ago, prairierose said:

zoloft lexapro then a whole ton of drugs i was destroyed by in hospitals 

 

23 hours ago, prairierose said:

off the offending meds now for 1.5yrs

 

Hi prairierose,

So.....I'll sum up and put this in your signature now.

I'm also going to move your 2nd introduction post here. You'll see it above.  One introduction per member in our Introductions and updates forum is our rule.  

Personally......I think the "healed people" may leave and never look back, some decide to hang about and help out, support others, moderate, mentor, or just spread good cheer generally.  Some may even go back on drugs......who knows?

We are also looking to collect data here and begin to educate the medical establishment around these drugs, WD(withdrawal), and some of the harms that have incurred from outdated models of treatment.

 

You may want to explore further the forums:

****Finding Meaning

Relationships and Social life

Symptoms and Self Care

 

And/or go to the "Home page" and you'll see how the forums are set up.

You can start new topics in the other forums, if you can't find a similar topic to post in.

We just do our best to keep things tidy and organized and are always working on that.

 

Off topic is also a good one, and you can let loose there in: Lalochezia! ;The cursing thread

 

I'm pretty healed.  I'm however, doing my best to take a bit of a break right now.  I have really have been quite fortunate, all things considered. 

Hoping someone will come by to appease you.  We are......an internet forum, no one is on 24 hour call here and available at all times, for all members. 

 

Okay, and welcome aboard.  Wishing you Love, Peace, Healing and Hope, and Growth.......don't forget, lot's of growth in these kind of experiences.  You may decide to help here later, and give back with compassion, from your own experiences one day.  Spread some light and hope......it's a good remedy for despair.

 

moderator manymoretodays

 

addendum links to:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/18343-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature

Account Settings, this link should take you right to your present signature, if you wish to further update/edit signature, after looking at what we like to see there in the ^ link

 

Best to you prairierose

 

 

Edited October 2, 2020 by manymoretodays
adding links, if member wants to edit or update signature

[prairierose]

nope no one needs to appease me. at all. most people cannot even fathom what some of us have gone through so its always nice to have some to jist say "wtf has happened to our lives" you know? anyway thank you for posting that ladys success story also. sorry i posted twice im just trying to learn how this site works. im still swimming through the success stories.  

[prairierose]

i wish i could have found the right people to talk to when it mattered. when it all went so bad. people who would tell me i would heal instead of the ones who said other things. now im just so angry and i feel abandoned. my kids deserved better. i cant put those peoples voices out of my mind. that and my own screaming pain. you say and do a lot of awful things in akathisia. things i cant undo. i could have taken care of my kids if something had happened to my husband but now i know i cant. we were best friends he and i. now he just yells at me that im not trying and he doesnt want to hear about it anymore. i never thought my charmed life would be full of hospitals and hatred. i cant even make the holidays happen. when you cant see your self in the future its hard to celebrate. sorry everybody 

[manymoretodays]

No need to apologize prairierose.

I think we all go through alot, in the aftermath.

No one has to be falsely cheery.

 

Say, how long was your psychiatric experience.......the drugs, the labels, the hospitals and such?

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

[prairierose]

8 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

No need to apologize prairierose.

I think we all go through alot, in the aftermath.

No one has to be falsely cheery.

 

Say, how long was your psychiatric experience.......the drugs, the labels, the hospitals and such?

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

began 3 yrs ago. just some anxiety. then had a abad withdrawl reaction froma drug but no one believed me and they just told me i was ill. so more drugs. its been down hill ever since. no up for me now. 

[manymoretodays]

Okay thanks.  We believe you prairie.  I'll just reiterate too, it does get better, I mean for me it has.......it always gets better!

[prairierose]

dante's inferno

 

hey mods lol im posting here bc i know its in the wrong place but i dont fully know how to post things.....where are the ones who went to fully blown dantes nightmares end up? the survivors that is? can you help me find some? 

 

Edited October 31, 2020 by ChessieCat
added topic title

[ChessieCat]

Please explain what you are looking for.  I cannot understand what you mean by the above post.

[ChessieCat]

Are you talking about members who have recovered from an immediate adverse reaction?