Doctorsrcrap: can't cry and frustrated

[Tigz91]

45 minutes ago, Doctorsrcrap said:

I'm feeling emotional all the time. I feel overwhelmed by almost everything and feel like crying at the drop of a hat or shouting with irritability. 

I'm going to assume this is what happens when your emotions are trying to switch back on but man's it's uncomfortable. 

I've been through a lot lately, this extra stress no doubt won't have helped matters. 

I'm trying to view this as maybe things are changing maybe I'm heading in the right direction but I feel so bad all the time. Having no windows in this process it brutal. 

I feel guilty for being this way, when I have people who need me and need me to be their for them. Its do hard. I feel like such a let down some times. I know this isn't my fault, I didn't choose to be like this but the fact doesn't make it any easier. 

Anyway... I doubt anyone is reading this. It's just me rambling. If anyone is reading, thanks. 

You’re a warrior and so strong to continue fighting 17months out, it could have been so easy to reinstate. Keep going and hopefully better days are not far away. Here anytime you need to talk. 

[Happy2Heal]

On 12/19/2023 at 11:12 AM, Doctorsrcrap said:

I'm feeling emotional all the time. I feel overwhelmed by almost everything and feel like crying at the drop of a hat or shouting with irritability. 

are you able to cry?

 

[Doctorsrcrap]

@Happy2Heal

I never used to have a problem with crying. And then the merry go round of drugs started and then I felt upset all the time but for the life of me couldn't cry. 

For a while since being in withdrawal that disappeared and it was lovely but now the feeling of wanting to cry is back but this time feels way more overwhelming and I do occasional burst into tears although it never feels right. Not satisfying. Feels like there is still a blockage. 

I'm trying to view it as a positive. That my emotions are trying to switch back on and regulate and the fact it disappeared for a while I hope means it will go away again. Its just very hard being over emotional when you need to have your crap together 

[Happy2Heal]

yes it's very frustrating when our emotions don't cooperate

 

if you are angry about that, it's perfectly ok to say so!

 

the whole idea behind trying to have a positive mindset is that you allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have (or don't have or can't express the way you'd like) you allow all that, because you can't change it

(but because feelings never last, those will change on their own anyway, thank goodness!)

 

but you don't let those feelings take over and dictate what you think and belief

 

you just let the feelings "be"

 

 

it sucks majorly when feelings are blocked but at least you've had a glimpse of them not being totally blocked, that will come back

 

and you *might* end up wondering why you were hoping for that, because some of us have had periods of doing nothing but crying!

I still have these off and on, but I was on drugs for over 4 decades, almost my entire adult life, and so I have a lot of things I was never able to grieve for, and I think that it what I am doing now, when I have a crying spell that lasts longer than feels 'right' (as if there is such a thing as right and wrong as far as feelings go)

 

why do you think you need to have your crap together?

 sometimes we expect so much more of ourselves than we would ever ask of anyone else

 

in this process you really do need to be as gentle and as kind with yourself as you can be

 

you are important and need love and care and support

 

I hope your blocked feelings get unblocked soon

I hope you are at least as kind to yourself as you are to the members here

I hope you get a big beautiful wide open window soon!

 

looking back on your thread you mentioned about digestive upsets, it turns out that there is more serotonin in our guts than our brains so yes, digestive issues is very much part of recovery

 

sometimes playing with your diet, even if you feel it's very healthy, can bring you relief. I discovered I could not eat any dairy, it really messed up my stomach

I can eat yogurt now and sometimes a bit of cheese

 

I had to stop eating fruit for awhile because I got indigestion from it! imagine, fruit!! 

 If you like fermented foods those are supposed to be esp good for your gut health. I don't care for kimchi, kefir and the like but sometimes will eat a little sauerkraut

 

hopefully your gut issues have improved

 

Did you have pet rats at some point? I notice you had a rat bite. 

 

 

 

 

[Doctorsrcrap]

I thought my digestion was getting better but for the last week or so new problems have started. It started with a UTI feeling but the doctor said it was clear and now I have stomach ache and pains constantly. 

 

Yes I have 2 rats and one mouse left. Yeah my old poorly rat bit me because he was stressed. He didn't realise what he was doing. Poor thing. Ended up with antibiotics and two tetnus shots. Madness 

[RachelSusan]

On 12/19/2023 at 8:12 AM, Doctorsrcrap said:

I doubt anyone is reading this. It's just me rambling. If anyone is reading, thanks. 

I'm still reading. Sorry you feel so poorly.  It must be immensely frustrating to not have any relief. My heart goes out to you.

 

I am having a hard time getting a sense about the rest of your life outside of the withdrawal symptoms.  If you ever feel up to sharing I would love to know more about you.  In the mean time I hope you have a window soon. 

Edited December 21, 2023 by RachelSusan

[Doctorsrcrap]

Hi @RachelSusan

I guess what would you like to know? Haha

[Jaffa]

Hey Doctorscrap,

 

I'm back here reaching out, in pain, confused and worried. Wondering what to do etc etc. I just wanted to check in with you though because you were so kind and supportive when I first entered SA. I know you are struggling and the road is oh so long. It's amazing that our bodies can actually tolerate so much agony and not keel over and die. That means that we CAN actually bare it, even though it feels so impossible. We just keep going. Thats all we have to do with no other great expectations for ourselves. Chop wood carry water. Thats all. Keep breathing and taking as much good care of yourself as you can. It would be such a great help if we lived near to each other and could walk together or drink tea or garden. The loneliness of this is so hard. The good news for you is that you are off the drugs. Your body is healing. Keep moving it. Keep doing puzzles. Read aloud . Try some movement to music. Get into the swimming pool. The brain is plastic. Read Norman Doidge 'The brain that changes itself '2 pages a day out loud. Read Oliver Sacks ' The man who mistook his wife for a hat '. Eat walnuts and almonds. Keep going . The light is at the end of the tunnel. Time is the answer. I wish I was off the drugs like you and that far along!!!! Sending warmth and strength to you on this Christmas Day.

[Doctorsrcrap]

So first for the positive, this was the first Christmas I've had in years where I wasn't riddled with anxiety and I am so grateful for that, how wonderful. 

However the week before Christmas all my symptoms seemed to have started changing and man do I feel ill.

Of course I'm assuming these mew symptoms are withdrawal and not something else but they seem to be hanging around so I'm going to assume withdrawal. 

 

These symptoms are

. Insane feeling of nausea. I feel so so sick. 

. Lower back ache 

. Bladder pressure

. Stomach discomfort

. Upset stomach

 

I guess I will have to wait and see how this all unfolds over the coming weeks. Maybe I've entered a new phase. Who knows. 

 

Anyway I hope everyone managed to have a good Christmas and a happy new year to all. I hope next year brings more healing for everyone 

[Jaffa]

All those symptoms are awful but anxiety is the worst in my opinion. So pleased that you got through Christmas without horrid anxiety. I hope your current  symptoms improve greatly in 2024. 

[Doctorsrcrap]

Could really do with a pep talk, reassurance or something right now. Feeling so low. 

For some reason out of no where I have got lower back pain, ache and stiffness and it is really bad. 

I guess I want someone to tell me that it's possible this is a withdrawal symptoms. I don't know if this kind of thing is a known withdrawal symptom. If anyone else had experienced this then I would love to hear from you. 

Hard to imagine things ever getting better 

[FindRest]

Absolutely! Intense body pains (muscular and bone) has been one of my worst WD symptoms over the past 3 years, including the lower back. The good thing is that it comes and goes. Unfortunately, it can last awhile before it lessens, then repeats. It’s always a good thing, however, to check with your doctor to make sure it isn’t something else. Sometimes I will get a long period of time between spells.

 

I’ve found seeing a physical therapist and a massage therapist really helps, along with magnesium glycinate and Bio-freeze and things like that.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

[Doctorsrcrap]

@FindRest

Thank you for the reply. This helps. 

I'm seeing an oesteopath and a doctor and no one can seem to give me an exact answer to the pain, which is even more stressful. 

At almost 18 months off its all just very disheartening. 

I was hoping this would be the point I would turn the corner. Not have more problems 

[FindRest]

I can’t even imagine how disheartening it is for you. It’s bad enough dealing with it while I’m still finishing up tapering. I think all we can do is find out what works best for us to make those symptoms more tolerable. A lot of people say that the waves get further apart the more years one is off. 

 

On 1/16/2024 at 1:07 AM, Doctorsrcrap said:

I was hoping this would be the point I would turn the corner.

 

For me, I’ve had to re-define what “turning the corner” is. When I’m in a bad spell, I can easily convince myself that I’ve been this bad the whole time and start giving up hope. I’ve had to find ways to remind myself that no, it hasn’t always been this bad and that things really do get better. One way I do this is by keeping a daily symptom log before I go to bed, rating my worst symptoms from 1-10. Been doing this every night for over 3 years. You’d be surprised how often I’ve had to go back and read my prior entries in order to remind myself that yes, I’ve been in this place before but it DID get better. It convinces me that the hell I’m in now will get better just like it did last time. Hope this makes sense. Hugs.

[Doctorsrcrap]

@FindRest

Thank you so much.

I kind of wish I had kept a symptom diary from the beginning but I didn't. Would be nice to be able to look back and actually see improvement.

For me it's hard to be ok with the fact that I don't have windows. It's been almost 18 months and I havent really had one. I know some people recover without the waves and windows pattern but it feels like it would be easier if I had moments of relief. I guess though for me it's not meant to be. 

[FindRest]

19 hours ago, Doctorsrcrap said:

I know some people recover without the waves and windows pattern but it feels like it would be easier if I had moments of relief. I guess though for me it's not meant to be.

I’m thinking it may help you to define what a “window” is for you right now. Is it 5 minutes, 30, 5 hours, etc.? Everything you’ve got going on could easily make you miss those windows. You’ve got to look for them, write them down, then hang on to them for hope and motivation in the future. A window doesn’t have to be days. It could be seconds long. For example, I laughed the other day! It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. Another day, I realized I hadn’t had shoulder pain yet that day!  These are parts of a fleeting window. Maybe keeping track of these type of things, instead of symptoms like I mentioned before, is a better idea. Heck, I may even start doing it!

 

I say all of this not to minimize your pain but to maybe give you a little bit of hope. I think all of us will heal but it will not look the same for each of us. 

[Doctorsrcrap]

@FindRest

Thank you so much. 

[Doctorsrcrap]

Update 18 months off

Symptoms

. Dry throat for no reason

. Racing heart 

. Waves of wanting to cry

. Terrible back ache 

. Head Buzzing 

. Achey legs 

. Nausea 

[Tigz91]

2 hours ago, Doctorsrcrap said:

Update 18 months off

Symptoms

. Dry throat for no reason

. Racing heart 

. Waves of wanting to cry

. Terrible back ache 

. Head Buzzing 

. Achey legs 

. Nausea 

Hi, I’ve also got the dry throat now too. My nose is also really dry and eyes.

[Doctorsrcrap]

@Tigz91

I kind of feel like it's connected to my racing heart. Don't know if you would say the same. 

 

my back and legs are driving me crazy 

[Happy2Heal]

I had a very high heart for a year when I stopped lexapro cold turkey (did not know about WD back then at all)

I needed to be on a beta blocker because it was a sustained high heart rate that isn't good for your heart I guess

 

you might want to get your heart checked out  to be sure its not something you should be treating, even if it is related to WD

 

 

[Jaffa]

Hey @Doctorsrcrap,

Just waving from afar here in Australia. I have been following some of your thread while on holiday and nursing my 90 year old Mum. The heart rate stuff is no doubt alarming. I had that going on a lot when my withdrawal/ tolerance whatever episode started last May. Looking at your above list of symptoms I notice that you do not mention insomnia. Are you getting some sleep? 

The list of symptoms you describe sound like typical withdrawal to me. The low serotonin causes physical pain. The low back pain in normal circumstances is probably not that bad but is heightened by the low serotonin. Ive experienced this before. Leg pain connected to low back pain. Nerves are highly sensitive making all this feel so much worse. So sorry. Hugs. 

 

The timeline for this getting better - all of it, is an unknown. This is what makes this journey so excruciatingly difficult. Glad you have started to keep a symptom diary. I have two friends who came of meds after long term use and their timeline was five years. It wasn't acute for five years but it was for the first two. I say this not to frighten you but to encourage you to just keep going and let time pass. You are doing great to have got this far. I am amazed by your resilience. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Are heat packs or epsom salt hot baths helpful for the pain? Is a turmeric supplement a possibility for the inflammation? Have you tried an electrolyte sipped throughout the day? The magnesium and potassium in an electrolyte might help. Are you ok with having occasional paracetamol?

[Doctorsrcrap]

@Happy2Heal

Last August I had ECGs done and a heart echo done and all came back normal and said I required no further testing. So i assume its all withdrawal related. 

 

At the moment my aches and pains are the more worrisome to me 

[Doctorsrcrap]

@Jaffa

Thanks for stopping by. 

I have back ache and stiffness in my lower back. It is so uncomfortable and there all day. And it's effecting my legs too. They ache and feel stiff also. It's horrible. 

Paracetamol doesn't touch it. Nor does the anti inflammatory gel. Been doing exercises from my oesteopath. Not helping. Epsom salt baths don't help it. Basically nothing helps it. 

Not sure what else I can really do to be honest. 

How are you doing? 

[Jaffa]

@Doctorsrcrap

 

Ive had that pain before, although it only lasted three weeks. It must be awful for you, especially as there is nothing that relieves it.

 

I haven’t been good at all, but I know things get a lot worse than this. I don’t even want to talk about my level of bad because next to what most people hear are suffering it probably sounds quite good. The worst part of this is that I feel I’m in no man’s land. I’m not withdrawing the medication. I’m not taking doctors advice and increasing or adding any other medication. I’m just holding where I am and hoping to reach a better baseline but it’s been a long time. This all started last May and I’ve now been six months on 15 mg of mirtazapine  on top of the 25 mg of Zoloft and I’m not reaching a normal baseline . i’m sleeping for which I’m truly grateful. I am working one day a week by the skin of my nose. I’m able to parent my children and have spent some time looking after my mother. There have been some weeks where things have felt much better, and then it changes again, this last week has been horrible. I manage life, but I feel neutral at best. I have such peculiar symptoms. I hardly know how to describe them. There is neuro anxiety and depression and crying spells and my mornings are dreadful. I’m doing all the self-care I can. The mirtazapine has helped me put on some weight and I do enjoy my food. I am calmer compared to when I was experiencing activation agitation hyper alertness hyperactivity from whatever was going on with my 25 mg of Zoloft. I’m terrified about what to do next. I try and practice gratitude for the small little things in moments where I feel okay- ish. I wonder if I’m going to reach a better baseline and if not, how to proceed. I’m realising that there is never going to be an ideal time to do this tapering really. Mum will die in the next couple of years and then they’ll be grief. My children are always gonna need me because they’re on the autism spectrum.  Life !!!!  Hanging on and holding for now. Planning to speak with Horowitz next week . Im scared 

[Doctorsrcrap]

@Jaffa I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Have the mderators given you any advice? 

 

I'm really confused about myself at the moment. I had borderline low b12 and took supplements for it. Then I got it re tested and it is still really low. Don't understand 

 

[Jaffa]

@Doctorsrcrap

 

Not sure what to advise about the b12. My daughter had low B12 and supplements made no difference. She then tried B12 injections and that helped with her fatigue substantially. I've always wondered if gluten sensitivity might play a role with affecting the absorption of B12 and other nutrients for that matter. Do you have IBS ? How is the back stuff going? 

 

My sleep has become wobbly again and my mornings are horrid. Its not cortisol spikes like you get on waking in withdrawal but rather a sickly dread and dyskinesia. I get up and usually cry for a bit and then get moving. The feelings in my chest and solar plexus are there all day. Its milder compared to before I started the mirtazapine but its debilitating. I struggle to do my one day of work 9-3 . Im best if I keep moving - housework, gardening , exercise, but I'm struggling to connect with people and cope generally. Im coping but I don't know how much more I can take of this. Evenings are better and I get some relief and then sleep and its on again on waking - day after day after day. Why am I not stabilising? 

 

[Doctorsrcrap]

My newest problem is driving me crazy and I'm at my wits end. 

Does anybody know of anyone else who suffered with constant lower back ache, that wouldn't respond to any sort of treatment? 

I cant take much more. 

Is it a known withdrawal symptom? 

[Erimus]

All aches and pains are pretty common in withdrawal. I had severe back pain from Sep 2023 for a good few months. All of our nerves run along our spinal cord, spanning the length of our back, so it's easy to see why it kicks off so much in withdrawal.

 

I've not read your history but it appears you are 18+ months free of antidepressants after a quick taper. Only time is your friend in such circumstances. Get the tests done for any symptoms that concern you, if they all come back clear then withdrawal is the probable culprit. All you can do is soldier on.

Edited February 20 by Erimus

[Doctorsrcrap]

It just seems odd to be a completely new sympton that came our of no where. Didn't have it before so why start now. 

[Erimus]

3 minutes ago, Doctorsrcrap said:

It just seems odd to be a completely new sympton that came our of no where. Didn't have it before so why start now. 

That's the weird and wonderful way withdrawal works after a fast taper or cold turkey. The nervous system tries to reach stability, if it doesn't get there it crashes, and you get a whole new set of symptoms, before it tries again. This is repeated over and over until if eventually repairs.

 

I had no symptoms of pain until October 2022 when my nervous system crashed massively, since then I've had various pain daily. For some of us our brains don't know how to undo these drugs in large quantities, so by forcing it to survive without medication, we force our nervous system into this horrific cascade of chaotic symptoms.

[Doctorsrcrap]

I thought at 19 months I would be improving. I can't believe I'm not improving. What's the point anymore 

[Erimus]

6 minutes ago, Doctorsrcrap said:

I thought at 19 months I would be improving. I can't believe I'm not improving. What's the point anymore 

You are always improving, even if it does not feel like it. When you feel like things are getting worse, your body is actually undergoing deeper healing. The worst waves and often followed by the greatest windows.

 

When times are hard your job is simply to keep on surviving, allow your mind and body to take care of the rest. Simply continue to feed, rest and gently exercise your body.

[Doctorsrcrap]

Thank you for being so kind.

I struggle because I haven't had a window. 19 months solid of no windows. I just don't think I can take much more 

[FindRest]

Have you had all of the appropriate imaging done on your back (CT and/or MRI)? 

[Doctorsrcrap]

I have just had an MRI and am waiting for the results