Fifree introduction

[j1290]

You're a rockstar, Fi!  Sounds like you're soldiering through all of it and have a good plan in place to get you through your vacation and everything.   

 

The holidays are a stressful time for me, I've been scheduling my tapering around Christmas the last few years to give me some extra hold time.  

[Fifree]

Day 30 on 5 mg - these brand-switches can be rough

 

I am feeling a little agitated - as if I made another cut even though, on paper, I didn't. It's not toooooo bad so far, but I feel a little edgy and am getting the odd hot flush. And I have this pain in my left shoulder that always turns up when I have WDs. Makes me think I'm having a heart attack cos it goes along with shortness of breath.

 

The "swimmy head" is back sometimes too - especially when I am walking down a slope, like my driveway, or on an escalator - especially getting on/off.  It just sneaks up on my suddenly, and I feel like I'm about to lose my footing for no reason. To other people, I must look drunk - suddenly swaying violently or stopping short. No disasters so far anyway...  I don't know if it will continue to get worse or not as I've been sliding over to the the generic tablets over the course of a few weeks.

 

I'm making pretty slow progress atm -  considering that I dropped to 6 mg at the end of May, and got to 5 mg around the end of August.  And I'm still having rocky times on 5mg thanks to brand/format change. It's nothing too severe, but any symptoms are too much as far as I'm concerned. Not very resilient in the face of WD, me.

 

It has me wondering, when I start tapering again, what dose I should take. I'll be switching back to the Lex drops and I'm pretty convinced that 5 mg of sandoz tablets is not as potent as 5 mg Lexapro drops. What a lottery it is... 

 

In encouraging news, I've seen a couple of articles pop up recently in mainstream news, featuring Dr Mark Horowitz. There was one in Insider and another in The Australian. The focus is on over-prescribing and whether/how SSRIs work, but there is also info on WD which is very encouraging to see for us sufferers.

 

I am gradually getting through my backlog of study. Planning to do my exam on Friday. It will be such a relief when it's done. Hope my WDs are gentle and I can get through it ok...

 

 

[Thorin]

16 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Day 30 on 5 mg - these brand-switches can be rough

 

I am feeling a little agitated - as if I made another cut even though, on paper, I didn't. It's not toooooo bad so far, but I feel a little edgy and am getting the odd hot flush. And I have this pain in my left shoulder that always turns up when I have WDs. Makes me think I'm having a heart attack cos it goes along with shortness of breath.

 

The "swimmy head" is back sometimes too - especially when I am walking down a slope, like my driveway, or on an escalator - especially getting on/off.  It just sneaks up on my suddenly, and I feel like I'm about to lose my footing for no reason. To other people, I must look drunk - suddenly swaying violently or stopping short. No disasters so far anyway...  I don't know if it will continue to get worse or not as I've been sliding over to the the generic tablets over the course of a few weeks.

 

I'm making pretty slow progress atm -  considering that I dropped to 6 mg at the end of May, and got to 5 mg around the end of August.  And I'm still having rocky times on 5mg thanks to brand/format change. It's nothing too severe, but any symptoms are too much as far as I'm concerned. Not very resilient in the face of WD, me.

 

It has me wondering, when I start tapering again, what dose I should take. I'll be switching back to the Lex drops and I'm pretty convinced that 5 mg of sandoz tablets is not as potent as 5 mg Lexapro drops. What a lottery it is... 

 

In encouraging news, I've seen a couple of articles pop up recently in mainstream news, featuring Dr Mark Horowitz. There was one in Insider and another in The Australian. The focus is on over-prescribing and whether/how SSRIs work, but there is also info on WD which is very encouraging to see for us sufferers.

 

I am gradually getting through my backlog of study. Planning to do my exam on Friday. It will be such a relief when it's done. Hope my WDs are gentle and I can get through it ok...

 

 

Sorry to hear you’re in a wave Fi. Sometimes there seems to be now rhyme or reason to them. And little to do except wait it out and do the best you can in the meantime. I’ve heard some of the mods suggest a little dose drop when switching to the liquid version of some meds because it’s more potent. But I’ve also heard people say don’t change anything for a week or two after switching. I guess it’s personal like all this stuff. Hope you come out of this wave soon and that your neighbours don’t think you’re an alcoholic 😉

[j1290]

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

but any symptoms are too much as far as I'm concerned. Not very resilient in the face of WD, me.

I'm totally with you on this.  I wouldn't choose to suffer one bit extra.  Sorry to hear about the manufacturer change, I never had any luck with those either.  Hopefully things settle down fast 👍

[Mamgu]

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

The "swimmy head" is back sometimes too - especially when I am walking down a slope, like my driveway, or on an escalator - especially getting on/off.  It just sneaks up on my suddenly, and I feel like I'm about to lose my footing for no reason. To other people, I must look drunk - suddenly swaying violently or stopping short.

 

This is my faithful old companion, never seems to go away.  Feels like walking on ice and I'm going to slip at the next step.  When it's really rough I like to take the focus away from my head and concentrate on my feet.  It's a kind of mindfulness I suppose, really concentrating on how each foot feels as it touches and leaves the ground.  I find that way all that concentrated energy in my head lessens and my fear of falling pretty much stops.  It takes a bit of practice, like all mindfulness I guess.  On a bad day I'll use a walking pole to give me a sense of security, if nothing else.

[Fifree]

 

1 minute ago, Mamgu said:

Feels like walking on ice and I'm going to slip at the next step

 

Exactly this! It's so weird. I gotta tell you that it's reassuring that I'm not alone in this particular symptom. Must be awful to deal with full-time though Mamgu and I'm sorry to hear that's how it affects you. I guess I'll consider myself fortunate that it's intermittent for me, but that means it always surprises me.  It can make taking the wheely bins down the ridiculous steep driveway quite the challenge on Sundays though! 

[littlebird]

On 9/22/2023 at 7:28 PM, Fifree said:

At home, I'm in danger of wandering off to make a cup of tea, put a load of washing on or pull some weeds out.

I remember those days!!! The terror of the timed test. Maybe you can put a sign on the inside of the door of the room you're in reminding you not to wander off?

 

On 9/22/2023 at 7:28 PM, Fifree said:

They're very distracting too - wanders in for a chat/hug at any time (lovely except in the middle of an exam)

Maybe a post-it note on the outside too: "Taking exam until 2pm"

 

When is your holiday? Sounds so amazing!!!!

[Addax]

On 9/26/2023 at 12:01 AM, Fifree said:

I'm making pretty slow progress atm -  considering that I dropped to 6 mg at the end of May, and got to 5 mg around the end of August.  And I'm still having rocky times on 5mg thanks to brand/format change.

Slow is the new fast when it comes to withdrawal, and that’s almost a 20% drop. 1mg “sounds” slow, but in this game it really isn’t.  And the brand changes! Arg! I just returned a bottle of Fluoxetine solution to the pharmacy after I opened the bag and pulled out an unfamiliar looking bottle.  Luckily, they had the other brand in stock as well. I think just the idea of having to switch could prime me for an increase of symptoms. Lottery is a good word for it. 

 

On 9/26/2023 at 12:01 AM, Fifree said:

I am gradually getting through my backlog of study. Planning to do my exam on Friday.

Good luck! 

 

 

[littlebird]

3 minutes ago, Addax said:

I just returned a bottle of Fluoxetine solution to the pharmacy after I opened the bag and pulled out an unfamiliar looking bottle.  Luckily, they had the other brand in stock as well.

Can you return them? I was glaring at a bad generic recently and grumbling, "I want my $20 back." I'm gonna start checking the generic before I get home (and remembering to re-up before I get too low on what I'm used to).

 

4 minutes ago, Addax said:

I think just the idea of having to switch could prime me for an increase of symptoms. Lottery is a good word for it.

Lottery is right! I've been trying to be super positive with each change by telling myself it'll be the same, it'll be comparable, trying to minimize any psychosomatic symptoms. 

[Addax]

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Can you return them?

You know, now that you mention it, even though it’s sealed, I don’t know if they can reissue it. 

It hadn’t really been paying close attention to the bottles the solution came in nor did it dawn on me that a pharmacy would switch brands. This one didn’t look much different. Same color, same general size, just a different shape - taller and thinner. If I hadn’t just handled the previous bottle I might not have noticed. No doubt that I will be hypervigilant about checking the bottle from this point forward. 

[manymoretodays]

On 9/25/2023 at 10:01 PM, Fifree said:

And I'm still having rocky times on 5mg thanks to brand/format change. It's nothing too severe, but any symptoms are too much as far as I'm concerned. Not very resilient in the face of WD, me.

This is your getting ready to travel going from liquid to solid change?

On 9/25/2023 at 10:01 PM, Fifree said:

It has me wondering, when I start tapering again, what dose I should take. I'll be switching back to the Lex drops and I'm pretty convinced that 5 mg of sandoz tablets is not as potent as 5 mg Lexapro drops. What a lottery it is... 

I would not make a dose change.  Rather I would do the shift from tablet to liquid over a good time frame, using the formula here.  And I know it has been a bit of a woozy shifting back and forth liquid to tablet, brand of liquid and tablet different.  It might not be as big of a factor as you think.  Yes, some are more sensitive, for sure.......but go ahead and read what is above what I linked to.  There's a post from brassmonkey that might help.  I hope so.  5 mg of Lexapro I believe is still fairly potent, as far as that receptor binding goes....... ?  I didn't feel a thing until I shifted below 4 mg myself and then though.......boom.  You are resilient honey, listening to both your body and intuition, and making changes accordingly.  You are living your life!  I think you are doing good personally.

On 9/25/2023 at 10:01 PM, Fifree said:

Planning to do my exam on Friday.

Woohoo!  Just ace it......LOL, easy peasy. 

When is the trip to Thailand?  It's still a go, isn't it???  It better be!

 

Imma happy to report that next up, I get to go to Boston, or the Boston area.  In the State of Massachusetts.  Where I sort of finished growing up before coming here.  I realize now.......I was still a kid in my 20's......but sure did not know that then.  Short trip.  Birthday surprise for my sister and......though......AND.......a day trip to the coast of Maine!!!!  Ocean!!!!  Excited!!!!  Seafood!!

 

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

 

 

[Fifree]

On 9/28/2023 at 9:23 AM, Addax said:

Slow is the new fast when it comes to withdrawal, and that’s almost a 20% drop. 1mg “sounds” slow, but in this game it really isn’t.  And the brand changes! Arg!

Thanks for putting it in perspective Addax. 6 down to 5 is pretty much 2x10% hyperbolic cuts. Slow is definitely better on these pesky SSRIs - esp as we get down to the smaller numbers.  

 

9 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

This is your getting ready to travel going from liquid to solid change?

Yes mmt. Thanks for the link to the crossover info. I tried to approximate it as best I could... In hindsight, I should probably have paid extra and got brandname Lexapro tablets for the cross over... Next time right? I'm nearly out the woods now I hope. 

 

9 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

5 mg of Lexapro I believe is still fairly potent, as far as that receptor binding goes....... ?  I didn't feel a thing until I shifted below 4 mg myself and then though.......boom.  You are resilient honey, listening to both your body and intuition, and making changes accordingly.  You are living your life!  I think you are doing good personally.

Sadly, yes, it is still a massive dose in terms of receptor binding - 70%ish according to the charts. 30mg is 88%ish, so I have barely even begun. I've only done the easy part and I'm already exhausted. But thank you so much for the encouraging words mmt. I am living my life as best I can. I'd be in a horrible mess by now if I hadn't found this site and all the info. So thanks to you and alto and brass and all the mods and mentors for keeping it going.

 

I leave for Thailand on 12/10, so less than 2 weeks to go! Doesn't quite seem real atm. But I'm looking forward to it. A big change will be good for me. 

 

Your trip sounds great too. I'd love to visit Massachusetts and Maine. So many books, movies and TV shows I've read/watched that have been set in those places. Hope you have a lovely time.

 

[Fifree]

PS I'm postponing exam until Saturday. I had a day trip planned for Saturday, so wanted to knock off exam before I went, but it's now been replaced with dinner on the river and a lightshow in the Botanic Gardens. The dear child with the recent wisdom teeth surgery has made a full recovery and will back at work so I'll have the place to myself to get my focus on. Works out much better.

[littlebird]

11 hours ago, Fifree said:

I had a day trip planned for Saturday, so wanted to knock off exam before I went, but it's now been replaced with dinner on the river and a lightshow in the Botanic Gardens. 

Oooooooh, this sounds so lovely!!! Bet you'll feel better taking the exam after some rest and recuperation.

[j1290]

13 hours ago, Fifree said:

been replaced with dinner on the river and a lightshow in the Botanic Gardens. 

This looks like such a good time!!

[Fifree]

Day 37 on 5 mg

 

I think things are settling down. I'm feeling pretty normal now - with the occasional anxiety surge (very minor). So glad to have sorted this out. My GP recommended a cholera vaccination for my trip, so I've thrown that into the mix this week as well. So far so good. (I say that a lot.)

 

I finally got my exam outta the way on Saturday. I'm pretty confident that I passed and that's really the main thing here. I don't have a job as a translator at the UN lined up or anything... World peace is not at stake if I only scrape by. So I've now finished my diploma. Yay. It has taken me 5 years or something to complete these 8 subjects. It's only a little qualification, but man, it has been hard fought and I'm actually pretty proud of myself for getting through it, given the various challenges I've had over that period. Much as I'm relieved to be finished, there's a little bit of me thinking about just keeping on going and making it a BA.  We'll see. I have a love/hate relationship with studying...

 

So I spent most of Sunday just chilling out. Watched the National Rugby League grand final even though I'm not very interested in rugby league. It was nice to just chill out with the kids and yell at the tele (my city's team was in the final). I actually wanted to watch the Australian Football League game the day before, but managed to have the self-discipline to do my exam instead. My city was also in that game. We lost both games. It's a sad city today. Lucky for me, my dad was from Melbourne and I support his team, who won.  Woohoo!

 

I'm tempted to continue to just sit on the sofa, but I have to get prepared for my trip. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done around the house and garden before I go, and I need to figure out a big ol' to-do list. Plus I'm going away this weekend. Plus I have to catch up with my sisters before I leave (separately - long story).

 

Anyway, switching modes now and feeling good. 

 

[Momiki]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your exam results! Glad to hear you are feeling good.

[Carmie]

Dear @Fifree, it’s great to hear you’re doing well. All the best with your exams and I hope you have a nice trip, enjoy your time in Thailand 💛

[Carmie]

Hi @Fifree, 

 

Thanks for popping over to my thread. How are your holiday plans going? How did your exams go?🧡

[Fifree]

It's time for an update again after a pretty busy time. I got through my catchups, preparations, trips, and study. I passed my subject and am now the official owner of a Diploma of Modern Languages. I am going to continue with further study but can't start until next year unfortunately.

 

I absolutely loved my trip to Thailand - the food, cities, markets, nature, elephant sanctuary, the actual bridge on the River Kwae, museums, ruins, temples, palaces, people - all fantastic. I loved it. After all the drama with making sure my meds were compliant, the people in customs didn't even glance up when my flight came through. No forms to fill in, no sniffer dogs. Nothing. Still, better safe than sorry I guess.

 

Today is, I think, Day 68 on 5 mg of Lexapro. It's a pretty decent hold, but I can't say I feel like making any further changes at this time. I'm feeling a bit flat after my trip. I've been back about 10 days. First I was tired and jet lagged, then I was high for a few days, and then I got sinusitis and was really off-colour for a few days. Been trying to get back to normal and finding it less than satisfactory.

 

So the solution, as ever is gratitude for all the good things in my life. I'm grateful that:

 

🛕  I had a fantastic trip to Thailand - everything went really smoothly and I just loved the place

👩‍👦‍👦  My kids love me and missed me. They are completely uninterested in my trip, but I'm dealing with that

🤣  I have some good friends who make me laugh and who laugh at my jokes too

🎓  I've been accepted to turn my diploma into a BA. It may take a decade, but that's ok

🗞️  I finished my diploma

🏡  I have a home to come back to

🐶  Kid managed to keep the dogs alive and well during my absence. Everyone survived with the exception of a few plants.

 

I'm catching up on other peoples threads. I hope everyone is going well. When I've recovered from my post-trip blues, I'll start up with the taper again. Until then, it's stability time for me.

[Thorin]

23 minutes ago, Fifree said:

It's time for an update again after a pretty busy time. I got through my catchups, preparations, trips, and study. I passed my subject and am now the official owner of a Diploma of Modern Languages. I am going to continue with further study but can't start until next year unfortunately.

 

I absolutely loved my trip to Thailand - the food, cities, markets, nature, elephant sanctuary, the actual bridge on the River Kwae, museums, ruins, temples, palaces, people - all fantastic. I loved it. After all the drama with making sure my meds were compliant, the people in customs didn't even glance up when my flight came through. No forms to fill in, no sniffer dogs. Nothing. Still, better safe than sorry I guess.

 

Today is, I think, Day 68 on 5 mg of Lexapro. It's a pretty decent hold, but I can't say I feel like making any further changes at this time. I'm feeling a bit flat after my trip. I've been back about 10 days. First I was tired and jet lagged, then I was high for a few days, and then I got sinusitis and was really off-colour for a few days. Been trying to get back to normal and finding it less than satisfactory.

 

So the solution, as ever is gratitude for all the good things in my life. I'm grateful that:

 

🛕  I had a fantastic trip to Thailand - everything went really smoothly and I just loved the place

👩‍👦‍👦  My kids love me and missed me. They are completely uninterested in my trip, but I'm dealing with that

🤣  I have some good friends who make me laugh and who laugh at my jokes too

🎓  I've been accepted to turn my diploma into a BA. It may take a decade, but that's ok

🗞️  I finished my diploma

🏡  I have a home to come back to

🐶  Kid managed to keep the dogs alive and well during my absence. Everyone survived with the exception of a few plants.

 

I'm catching up on other peoples threads. I hope everyone is going well. When I've recovered from my post-trip blues, I'll start up with the taper again. Until then, it's stability time for me.

That’s one hell of a gratitude list. I reckon you should absolutely do a 10 year degree!

[littlebird]

17 hours ago, Fifree said:

passed my subject and am now the official owner of a Diploma of Modern Languages. I am going to continue with further study but can't start until next year unfortunately.

That's awesome, well done!! 🥳

 

17 hours ago, Fifree said:

🛕  I had a fantastic trip to Thailand - everything went really smoothly and I just loved the place

Lovely! So glad you had an adventure. Sounds absolutely gorgeous.

 

17 hours ago, Fifree said:

Until then, it's stability time for me.

Right there with you! May our CNSs stabilize soon.

[j1290]

21 hours ago, Fifree said:

I passed my subject and am now the official owner of a Diploma of Modern Languages.

Congratulations!  That's awesome!!  

 

I've heard a lot of people say that coming back was the hardest part about visiting Thailand.   Sounds like a fascinating place.  

 

[Carmie]

So happy to read everything you’ve accomplished lately @Fifree, 

 

You made me laugh when you said that your kids managed to keep the dogs alive while you were away🐕🐶🐕😄🧡

[Fifree]

Welp I think I've fought my way out of my post-holiday, post-university depression. It's entirely possible I've just been sulking because all of a sudden there is no breakfast buffet, noone drives me around all day and entertains me, and noone comes and cleans up my room and makes my bed each day while I am out. I have to cook and clean, myself! The struggle is real. (/s)

 

Anyway, I've given myself a bit of a talking to about self-discipline and things are improving. It's something along the toxic lines of "just do it" but a little gentler. I'm going to plan a little retreat for myself and set some goals for next year.  I get to design the next phase now that I have finished uni. I managed to achieve most of my goals this year with the major exception of getting off Lexapro. How little I knew back at the start of the year.  But I've certainly reduced it considerably so that's good.  

 

So I'm feeling a lot better mood wise. It was just a normal slump I guess - not me forever and not a wave. Just a normal part of being human. Next year, in theory, with 10% cuts I should be able to get down to about 1.4 which sounds very exciting. I know you can't plan it of course. You have to just play the hand you're dealt so I'll do that. 

 

 

[Thorin]

8 minutes ago, Fifree said:

depression. It's entirely possible I've just been sulking because all of a sudden there is no breakfast buffet, noone drives me around all day and entertains me, and noone comes and cleans up my room and makes my bed each day while I am out. I have to cook and clean, myself! The struggle is real. (/s)

Ummm I can’t blame you at all for this and if I’m honest, now that I’ve read your post I’m feeling a little sulky that noones spoiling me with all these things! It makes perfect sense you’d feel down going back to normal life after enjoying all those things. Finishing study can be a bit of an anticlimax as well. You feel like something massive has been accomplished but it’s just business as usual afterwards….. the struggle is real!

 

11 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Anyway, I've given myself a bit of a talking to about self-discipline and things are improving. It's something along the toxic lines of "just do it" but a little gentler. I'm going to plan a little retreat for myself and set some goals for next year.  I get to design the next phase now that I have finished uni. I managed to achieve most of my goals this year with the major exception of getting off Lexapro. How little I knew back at the start of the year.  But I've certainly reduced it considerably so that's good.  

Sounds like despite having hit the deck a little you’re actually on the verge of a really exciting time. You get to plan and implement whatever you want for the next stage of your journey. I wonder what you’ll

come up with. The retreat at home sounds awesome and I think I’ll give this a go too.

12 minutes ago, Fifree said:

So I'm feeling a lot better mood wise. It was just a normal slump I guess - not me forever and not a wave. Just a normal part of being human. Next year, in theory, with 10% cuts I should be able to get down to about 1.4 which sounds very exciting. I know you can't plan it of course. You have to just play the hand you're dealt so I'll do that. 

1.4mg is such a low dose. I bet you feel damn good when you get down to that dose. Good times are coming!

[Fifree]

3 minutes ago, Thorin said:

’m feeling a little sulky that noones spoiling me with all these things!

Maybe I should become one of those people who retire on cruise ships... I'll run that through my planning process 😉

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

Maybe I should become one of those people who retire on cruise ships... I'll run that through my planning process 😉

Saw something about this recently. Cheaper to have back to back cruises than buy a home to retire in or something. Could be a good life 🤔

[Fifree]

Just popping in for an update after 6 weeks or so. Everything is still running along smoothly. Nothing has changed drug-wise; still on 5 mg of Lexapro. After I got the blues, I decided to just stay on 5 mg until the end of the year and let things level out.  Honestly though, I'm not even sure if I'll resume tapering come NY. Even though I haven't had it particularly rough, I'm still pretty wary of going back to the difficulties of tapering. I guess the general advice is when in doubt, hold. And I am in doubt.

 

In some ways I'm just bored with tapering. That may sound strange, but for me, it is definitely a thing. Fiddling about with the liquids and drops and waiting for the axe to fall after you make a cut. Wondering when, and what symptoms you'll get this time, how intense they'll be, whether you'll ruin any relationships with your irritability or depression. Stability is nice.

 

I had been thinking about moving house, but I've decided it's more trouble than it's worth. The costs associated with moving are ridiculously high and at my budget (no income) nothing that I can afford is going to be less of a compromise than the place I already have. So instead, I've decided to have a bit of a makeover - move furniture around, repaint (myself), get some curtains.  I'm starting with decluttering. The annual curb-side collection in my area is coming up in a few weeks and I plan to have a good sized pile of stuff out the front. I'm reviewing all of my craft activities and chucking out so much stuff. The plan is to empty out all these bookshelves I store this stuff in and then put the bookshelves out for collection. Hopefully someone will come and take them away to use themselves. I'm also trying to just throw out stuff I don't like, or that is broken or whatever. I have a very hard time throwing stuff out that is still usable. I don't know why. Maybe it's from not having enough as a kid, or periods in my life when I've struggled financially. I honestly don't know. But I'm working on it.

 

I hope my friends here (and everyone else) are going well. I'll do some catching up around the site now that I'm here.

 

All the best.

 

 

[j1290]

Hiya,  Fi!   Glad to hear all is well.   Don't blame you a bit for wanting stability.  I don't know how people manage to taper and balance relationships, etc.  I think whatever works for an individual is the right way to go.  Hope you had a great holiday!

[Momiki]

I agree, stability is awesome! Glad to hear things are running along smoothly.

 

Quote

Fiddling about with the liquids and drops and waiting for the axe to fall after you make a cut. Wondering when, and what symptoms you'll get this time, how intense they'll be,

 

Ahh, this. So much this. I've been holding for 13 months, and not stressing about potential upsets these past few months was great! Past tense, because today I started a nano-slide from 1.2 mg to 1.16 over a period of 20 days (0.002 mg per day). That is such an incredibly small amount that I should not notice anything. But still, there is this tiny voice saying "what if?" in the back of my mind.

 

The decluttering sounds great! I relate to the trouble with throwing things away. I don't want to hurt the objects' feelings, which is ridiculous. And I also don't want to be wasteful, I feel like I need a good reason to throw things out. Moving places a lot has helped me somewhat in this regard. Packing everything is a hassle, and fewer boxes means a swifter move.

 

Hope things will keep going well for you. No need to resume tapering quickly, take your time! There's no need for things to be rough before you're allowed to slow down.

[Fifree]

Thanks for the support my friends.

 

I'm still not feeling up to resuming my taper. Honestly I think I may be depressed so I'm not keen to mess with my brain chemistry right now. Next time I see my psych I know he's just gonna tell me to bump up my Lex again and I don't want to. I have to get myself a therapist or a life coach or something cos I need to manage this stuff without pills...

 

Part of the problem is that my usual activities are not on atm cos it's the long summer break for us here in Au. So there's no uni, no photoshop class and no yoga. I don't have to get any children ready to go back to school. I'm suffering from an empty nest I think. My kids filled a space where a partner should've gone and I think that ship has sailed now.

 

I'm isolating big time - even from you good people. I've been bingeing episodes of The Crown or Top Gear and sitting and sorting through stuff. I haven't left the house in days and have had very little in the way of social interaction. I don't want to... I continue to be irritable and I think I am burning bridges when I do socialise so I'm just avoiding it which is not healthy. Depending on television shows for my models of social interaction cannot lead to anything good. HLM The Queen and Jeremy Clarkson are currently my best friends. 🤪

 

Went through my photos and honestly threw most of them away - I have scans of them and OG negatives. I still have a big box of photos, but I used to have several big boxes of them, so that's progress. I don't know that sorting photos and memorabilia is the ideal activity when one is feeling low... Suffering big time from saudade.

 

So it is always good to squeeze out a gratitude list at a time like this. I'm grateful for/that:

 

📷     after DECADES I have finally gone through my photos/memorabilia and thrown a lot of it away 

📦     I am getting this decluttering thing happening at last. There are still many boxes to go through in my garage, but I'm getting the inside of the house sorted out well

🕉️     I'm really looking forward to enjoying the free space I am creating in the house - a convenient space to do yoga is the dream

🌞     the weather has been quite wet. We were told it was El Niño this year and we were all expecting another summer like 2019-20 when the whole country seemed to be on fire

 🚙     my youngest is ok after she lost control of her car on a wet road last week. I think she has finally learned her lesson now 

 

Go well.

[littlebird]

17 hours ago, Fifree said:

I have to get myself a therapist or a life coach or something cos I need to manage this stuff without pills...

Right there with you! Gonna try getting into support groups again, so nice they're digital now. Therapy has been a godsend with tapering, the stuff that comes up during all this is way too big sometimes.

 

17 hours ago, Fifree said:

🕉️     I'm really looking forward to enjoying the free space I am creating in the house - a convenient space to do yoga is the dream

Cheering you on!!!!! Sounds like you're tackling this with aplomb and making great progress. 

 

17 hours ago, Fifree said:

Suffering big time from saudade.

a) amazing word, thank you for introducing me to this!! I always thought of "homesickness for a home I never had," but having a word for nostalgia for a thing that may or may not have ever existed in so succinct.

b) sorting through photos is no joke emotionally and you're a hero for doing it

c) you deserve a big time treat as a reward

[Momiki]

Just dropping by! I hope you are feeling somewhat better since the beginning of January.

[Fifree]

Just dropping by for a quick update.

 

I'm still sitting on 5 mg and really glad I decided to just take it easy and stay here. I will pick up the tapering again one day, but for now, it's nice to just be stable. Going down from 30 mg to 5 is still well worthwhile I'm sure.

 

I'm feeling much better since my last post. I'm doing a r-e-a-l-l-y cheap redecoration of my house. I threw myself into my decluttering and rearranging furniture. Then I repainted my living areas and have almost finished recovering an old sofa. The child (19) is not particularly impressed but has admitted that it's my house and I can do what I want 🤣

 

Normal life has resumed. The kids are back at school, the public holidays are mostly behind us, yoga is back on and uni starts up today. There's a rhythm to life again and it is good. After being so bitter about not being able to do a subject over the summer, I am now procrastinating watching my lectures.

 

I hope y'all are hanging in there and doing well whether you're tapering, holding or off.