Fifree introduction

[j1290]

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

When I feel cranky I can throw stuff out much more easily. Who needs this old piece of **** anyway?  What was [insert name of loved one] even thinking of when they bought me this? So there's that lol.

Oh yeah, I can relate.  Come think of it, I've had to work myself up to be angry to get through a  lot of sensitive situations.  I'll add that to the list of things to talk to my therapist about one of these days!

[Fifree]

6 minutes ago, littlebird said:

the occasional ****-talk with someone who feels the same way can be bonding! 

Definitely. I just know I'm so utterly unreasonable when I'm at my worst that nothing good can come of letting it out publicly

 

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

1 hour ago, littlebird said:

the occasional ****-talk with someone who feels the same way can be bonding! 

Definitely. I just know I'm so utterly unreasonable when I'm at my worst that nothing good can come of letting it out publicly

That's true, sometimes I catch myself really in negative land lately. No fun! Makes me isolate even more, I don't want to be "too much" around others. Counter-productive! 

[Fifree]

In the mood for a little update on Day 28 of my modified slide. This cut has gone really smoothly; so smoothly that I almost feel like cancelling my hold at 5 mg. And I'm not even there yet! But tomorrow I will begin the trip from 5.4 to 5 mg. I think I'll do it in 2 cuts to make it easier - 5.2 tomorrow moving to 5 in a week's time. Then I'll see how I feel. I suppose I'll figure out a way to slowly cross back to the tablets... not sure how that will work. Maybe I'll do a tablet one day, drops the next kinda thing... What a trip that will be. A simple little dose of half a 10 mg tablet each morning. I am looking forward to it.

 

The negative part of my brain is saying in the background that 5 mg is still a substantial dose of Lexapro and I've barely even begun to taper. And that is 100% true. BUT I am taking some time to pat myself on the back and goggle at how amazing it is to have got down to 5 mg from 30. Especially since I came here having been laid low by a (doctor advised) cut from 20 to 10. I healed and I carefully resumed tapering and I got here to 5.

 

I'm also in the mood for some gratitude. (That's meant to read in the same way as need for speed.  Mood for gratitude).

 

I'm grateful that:

 

💊     I'm ready for my cut to 5 mg. Whoot!! I'm feeling completely fine and this cut will only be 7.4% so I'm very optimistic it is going to go smoothly

🎓     I've nearly finished my first assignment for uni in a while. I've really overcooked it and will be very glad once it's in the vault

🦜    There are a few sulphur crested cockatoos in my front yard. I love these crazy birds. I have a passionfruit vine growing up through a wattle tree which is in flower. The birds are eating up the passionfruit but they look so damn pretty in the wattle tree. What could be more Aussie?

😲    My brother rang me during the week just to "check in and see how I'm doing". I'm trying to take it at face value and enjoy. I'm kinda scared if I'm honest... I've spent most of my life learning to be ok with the fact that he doesn't really GAF about me... I really need to find a good therapist...

🖥️    I'm grateful for my techy little brain. In the past couple of weeks I've managed to develop a working knowledge of Photoshop, and video editing and conversion software. I want to go back in time and join the AV club. Sadly I was too busy trying to "fit in" by smoking down the back of the bus (probably trying to impress my brother...) 

 

Wishing y'all windows.

[j1290]

Quote

BUT I am taking some time to pat myself on the back and goggle at how amazing it is to have got down to 5 mg from 30.

This is huge.  If your cuts are going really smoothly, then what more could you ask for.  Super happy for you!  

[Thorin]

3 hours ago, Fifree said:

This cut has gone really smoothly; so smoothly that I almost feel like cancelling my hold at 5 mg. And I'm not even there yet!

This is amazing news and I’m very happy to hear it!

 

3 hours ago, Fifree said:

BUT I am taking some time to pat myself on the back and goggle at how amazing it is to have got down to 5 mg from 30. Especially since I came here having been laid low by a (doctor advised) cut from 20 to 10.

That’s massive mate. I try to look at where I’ve come from with this stuff rather than how far I have to go. Much like yourself!

[Mamgu]

Yey, really pleased things are going smoothly for you. Well done for getting this far, I think you're right to focus on how far you've come.  It's incredible 🤩. 

[Addax]

11 hours ago, Fifree said:

This cut has gone really smoothly; so smoothly that I almost feel like cancelling my hold at 5 mg. And I'm not even there yet!

So great! I’m very glad you feel well and things are going smoothly. Yay!

 

I hear ya on wanting to push through rather than hold. I’ve been having similar thoughts. I plan to hold at 5mg, which I won’t get to for a several months. If things go smoothly until that point I’m guessing I’ll have remind my self of the reason I scheduled the hold.

 

 

[Fifree]

Day 5 on 5.2. I'm feeling fatigued and a bit stuck... Gonna hold my 5.2 for another week. I'm so close it makes no difference.

 

I've had a busy few weeks and now everything has stopped. A couple of friends are OS and inertia has just kicked in and I am isolating and not getting on with anything. I just don't feel like pushing myself. "Meh" is all I have to say about anything. Getting out of my rut feels like an impossibly difficult game of Tetris. I need to just go for a walk or something... but... meh...

 

So I'll do a little gratitude since I can do it from the comfort of my keyboard. I am grateful that:

🍽️    LG fixed my dishwasher for free even though it was out of warranty

🥦    I got a big box of fresh fruit and veggies delivered yesterday from local-ish farms. So good. And it makes me cook healthy cos I can't stand to see any of it go to waste

🥘    My elder daughter is coming over this weekend and we are going to cook together. I'm sure I was from some big happy peasant family in a past life - I love cooking in company

🎂    The sibling who forgot my birthday remembered today and rang

👧🏻    I had a lovely visit to my sister earlier in the week

🌞    The weather is lovely atm. This is usually our coldest, windiest month but it's nice this year (now I'm worrying about global warming)

🎓    I finished my first assignment for uni last Sunday and managed to submit it three hours early. Unheard of. Today I looked at the second assignment and it is not at all scary

📚    I have a few social things lined up next week - a trivia night, a brunch, a(n) historical fiction book group. I need to have an "appointment" somewhere or I struggle to leave the house

🛁    This funny little self-care game website https://youfeellikeshit.com

 

I am so unmotivated today that I really had to push myself even to do emojis on my list...  I hope this phase passes soon. I googled "I have no hustle" today in the hopes a magic cure would appear. But all it told me was that hustle culture was unhealthy/dead/over. I don't want to be Adam Neumann but I'd like to be able to get out of the house... I know I need to get a bit more exercise so I will take myself out for a walk somehow, somewhere this weekend..

 

Meh

[Fifree]

My low mood continued today. WD is insidious. I found a cool article about feeling stuck on declutterthemind.com  The first piece of advice is:

 

"Make the Decision You're Scared to

Let’s be real for a moment, you know what decision you want to take."

 

I felt called out. I do know the decision I need to make. I have been driving myself crazy over this trip I want to take. Full pointless rumination.

 

But I have now booked it. Airfares✅ insurance,✅ tour✅. Plus an extra night's accomodation the night before the tour to recover from the flight. 

 

I feel so much better now. I have to admit I finally got the impetus to book it after I had taken the dogs for their evening constitutional. I really have to work some more physical activity into my life. It is so good for the mind. Got some extra motivation now as I have to get fitter for this trip around Thailand. Woohoo!

 

[Momiki]

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Sending you a virtual hug! Hopefully this wave will pass soon. Perhaps it's your body's way to signal a need for rest after the busy few weeks? It would be great if you could always feel well, but feeling the occasional unmotivated "meh" is part of life too. Don't force yourself too much.

 

Your trip to Thailand sounds great! When are you going?

[j1290]

On 8/11/2023 at 7:52 AM, Fifree said:

I have a few social things lined up next week - a trivia night, a brunch, a(n) historical fiction book group. I need to have an "appointment" somewhere or I struggle to leave the house

This is probably more than I've done in the last year LOL hats off to you Fi, it sounds like you're really getting out there to engage with life!

 

On 8/11/2023 at 7:52 AM, Fifree said:

This funny little self-care game website https://youfeellikeshit.com

bookmarked-this is fun

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

But I have now booked it. Airfares✅ insurance,✅ tour✅. Plus an extra night's accomodation the night before the tour to recover from the flight. 

I have a thing about booking trips myself.  Good on you for giving yourself an extra day to recover before the tour.  When I've done that for job interviews, it was so worth it.  

 

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

Got some extra motivation now as I have to get fitter for this trip around Thailand. Woohoo!

I can't wait to hear all about it.  I bet it'll be spectacular!

[brassmonkey]

We always book an extra day after we arrive, before things get started. It really helps get things settled before the push. Enjoy your trip.

[Momiki]

On 8/11/2023 at 4:52 PM, Fifree said:

 

🛁    This funny little self-care game website https://youfeellikeshit.com

 

 

Nice website! I wasn't feeling like ****, but it helped me do some chores I needed to do, rather than semi-mindlessly watching some Netflix.

[littlebird]

On 8/11/2023 at 7:52 AM, Fifree said:

🛁    This funny little self-care game website https://youfeellikeshit.com

I love this so much! Gonna try to use this one often.

 

6 hours ago, Fifree said:

But I have now booked it. Airfares✅ insurance,✅ tour✅. Plus an extra night's accomodation the night before the tour to recover from the flight. 

 

I feel so much better now.

Woohooooooooooooo! I'm gonna live vicarious through you with your permission. This sounds amazing!

[j1290]

2 hours ago, littlebird said:

Woohooooooooooooo! I'm gonna live vicarious through you with your permission. This sounds amazing!

Oh man, I'm hoping I get an invite to ride that train as well because this sounds cooooool!!!

[Fifree]

12 hours ago, Momiki said:

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Sending you a virtual hug! Hopefully this wave will pass soon. Perhaps it's your body's way to signal a need for rest after the busy few weeks? It would be great if you could always feel well, but feeling the occasional unmotivated "meh" is part of life too. Don't force yourself too much.

 

Your trip to Thailand sounds great! When are you going?

Thanks Momiki. You're right. 'Meh' is normal from time to time. I have been catastophising again! 

I'm going to Thailand in mid-October for 10 days - pretty much straight after uni finishes.  October may or may not be good weatherwise - it's the end of wet season, but I'm hoping for the best. I live in the sub-tropics so I'm hoping it won't be too much of a shock for me anyway.  I'm excited for it. 

 

12 hours ago, j1290 said:

it sounds like you're really getting out there to engage with life

I'm not working so I have to make sure I get myself out into the world. I find it easy to isolate, and I know I'd get weirder and weirder if I allow myself to. It's a short trip to old-man-yells-at-clouds.

 

12 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

We always book an extra day after we arrive, before things get started. It really helps get things settled before the push. Enjoy your trip.

Thanks brass! It is such a long way to everywhere from here - except of course New Zealand and New Caledonia. Thailand's a snap compared to going to Europe, but it's still far. Timezone is only 2 hours different though so recovery should be straightforward. And I will not be tapering at that time  

 

Glad y'all liked the little website @Momiki @j1290 @littlebird. It is really helpful if you're feeling too low to even know where to begin. But it's useful for just checking in with yourself on the reg too. 

[Addax]

On 8/12/2023 at 8:36 AM, Fifree said:

But I have now booked it. Airfares✅ insurance,✅ tour✅. Plus an extra night's accomodation the night before the tour to recover from the flight. 

 

I feel so much better now.

Weeeeee! This is great! The “meh” feeling sucks and I’m sorry that’s been where you’ve recently found your thoughts, but it sounds like you’re persevered despite it. It can be so hard to get out of our heads when we hit a rough period, but you did just that. And you will be taken out of your head during your trip; Wins all over the place! 

 

[Fifree]

Preparations for Thailand are more than I anticipated. I’ve discovered that under no circumstances can I take Dextroamphetamine into the country so I’m looking at a very rapid taper off that. Have cut down to 2 half tabs  day for now. 
 

Added to that I’m having a lot of vaccinations. I went to the travel doctor today and was vaccinated for rabies, typhoid, tetanus and flu. Next week I have rabies shot number 2 and polio. I think. I feel like a pincushion. Another rabies shot a month later. Rabies vax is optional but I don’t trust myself not to run up to dogs and monkeys and get bitten. Especially if I’m not taking my Dex! 😵‍💫
 

Hopefully I won’t have any nasty reactions to all this. I’ve been feeling good since I booked my trip and there’s no reason to anticipate problems. I’ve never had an issue with a vaccination before and am trying not to talk myself into trouble.
 

As it’s the one thing I can control rn, I won’t be budging from my 5.2 mg of Lex until all this has had a chance to settle down. 
 

Gonna take it easy for the next few days and let all these vaccines work their magic. 

 

 

[littlebird]

8 hours ago, Fifree said:

I don’t trust myself not to run up to dogs and monkeys and get bitten. Especially if I’m not taking my Dex! 😵‍💫

That part!!! My impulsive buns have run up to many a wild creature.

 

How have the vaccines been? I've noticed some make me need to go lie down the rest of the day. Hoping your body is handling them fine!

[Fifree]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

How have the vaccines been?

So far so good thanks LB… just a little tenderness where I’ve been jabbed.. if I’m still all good after 48 hours I’ll consider myself outta the woods. Realised I got some combo jabs too, so as well as rabies, typhoid, flu and tetanus, I was also vaxed for whooping cough, diphtheria and hepatitis A yesterday. My immune system is very very busy. I think headaches, nausea etc are a common side effect, so I’m giving myself a free pass to go lie down, watch tv or whatever for a few days. 
 

And I’d just like to take a minute to appreciate scientists and, grudgingly, pharma companies for vaccinations. I mean it’s very cool that I can get these jabs and not have to worry about a lot of really horrible diseases. The profit driven corporate model is outta control and is having horrific outcomes ( eg all of us here struggling with ADs) but, back in the day, when they were about disease control and prevention and science? Wow. 
 

Main side effect of vaxes so far seems to be philosophical musing. Hopefully I’ll be ok soon. ☺️

[Thorin]

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

that. Have cut down to 2 half tabs  day for now. 

How’s that going? Any rebound issues? Scattered, hard to focus etc?

 

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

Added to that I’m having a lot of vaccinations. I went to the travel doctor today and was vaccinated for rabies, typhoid, tetanus and flu. Next week I have rabies shot number 2 and polio. I think. I feel like a pincushion. Another rabies shot a month later. Rabies vax is optional but I don’t trust myself not to run up to dogs and monkeys and get bitten. Especially if I’m not taking my Dex! 😵‍💫

I had the rabies shots for work. I’d been told they were horrible but they were completely fine!

Man I have the same issues with animals! All common sense goes out the window and I just have to touch them! Gonna get myself in trouble one of these days!

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

Hopefully I won’t have any nasty reactions to all this. I’ve been feeling good since I booked my trip and there’s no reason to anticipate problems. I’ve never had an issue with a vaccination before and am trying not to talk myself into trouble.

I think you’ll be fine. Whenever I’ve had reaction from shots they’ve come on really quickly. If you’re ok so far you’re possibly in the clear!

 

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

And I’d just like to take a minute to appreciate scientists and, grudgingly, pharma companies for vaccinations. I mean it’s very cool that I can get these jabs and not have to worry about a lot of really horrible diseases. The profit driven corporate model is outta control and is having horrific outcomes ( eg all of us here struggling with ADs) but, back in the day, when they were about disease control and prevention and science? Wow. 

Agreed. Science done right is amazing and we’re very lucky 🍀 

[Fifree]

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

Scattered, hard to focus etc?

Yes indeedy. I've realised that I am trying to do everything at once which is just not necessary (and asking for trouble). I have 8 weeks until I leave.  It would be far more prudent to recover from all these vaccinations before I make changes to Dex. I'll get my vaccinations outta the way in the next couple of weeks (except for third rabies shot), and then tackle Dex, and then get my Lex down to 5 and crossover to tablets in the last month. Fingers crossed I'll be all nice and stable by the time I leave. It'll all be fiiiiiiine

 

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

had the rabies shots for work. I’d been told they were horrible but they were completely fine!

This is good to know thanks Thorin. I've never had a problem with vaxes before so I should be fine. Does the rabies shot protect against Bat lyssavirus? That would be cool. 

 

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

Whenever I’ve had reaction from shots they’ve come on really quickly. If you’re ok so far you’re possibly in the clear!

Yay!

 

@littlebird and @Thorin it is very good to know that someone shares my foolish lack of restraint with animals. I just love them. When I was a kid I stuck my hand in an otter cage at a zoo (back in the days before health and safety was really a thing) and needless to say, it bit me. My mum was horrified and I can remember saying over and over "he thought it was a fish! he thought it was a fish!". And I'm still pretty much the same. When some idiot gets into the lion cage or the gorilla cage at a zoo and there is trouble, I'm always so mad when they shoot the animal. 🦁🦍

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

Yes indeedy. I've realised that I am trying to do everything at once which is just not necessary (and asking for trouble). I have 8 weeks until I leave.  It would be far more prudent to recover from all these vaccinations before I make changes to Dex. I'll get my vaccinations outta the way in the next couple of weeks (except for third rabies shot), and then tackle Dex, and then get my Lex down to 5 and crossover to tablets in the last month. Fingers crossed I'll be all nice and stable by the time I leave. It'll all be fiiiiiiine

Awesome! Sounds like you’ve got a measured, methodical approach planned out. I like it!

 

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

This is good to know thanks Thorin. I've never had a problem with vaxes before so I should be fine. Does the rabies shot protect against Bat lyssavirus? That would be cool. 

The Lyssavirus is the reason I got the shot!

 

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

ve them. When I was a kid I stuck my hand in an otter cage at a zoo (back in the days before health and safety was really a thing) and needless to say, it bit me. My mum was horrified and I can remember saying over and over "he thought it was a fish! he thought it was a fish!". And I'm still pretty much the same. When some idiot gets into the lion cage or the gorilla cage at a zoo and there is trouble, I'm always so mad when they shoot the animal. 🦁🦍

Oh man that’s the best! He thought you were a fish! That’s one happy kiddo! Yeah I’m exactly the same. Cannot help myself. Animals fill me with joy and I love them for it! I do get in trouble though…. I’d be that kid that falls in the enclosure 🤦‍♂️

[littlebird]

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

@littlebird and @Thorin it is very good to know that someone shares my foolish lack of restraint with animals. I just love them.

Oh yeah! 

 

14 hours ago, Thorin said:

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

Does the rabies shot protect against Bat lyssavirus? That would be cool. 

The Lyssavirus is the reason I got the shot!

New superpower unlocked, @Fifree! 

[Fifree]

So I think I'm outta the woods with all these vaccinations. God bless my immune system. Yesterday I woke up feeling really shocking - headache and fatigue, but I decided to take it easy and had a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. This morning I woke up feeling really well after a stellar night's sleep. Only about 6.5 hours but it felt sooooo deep and solid (and on top of a nap it's definitely enough). Ready to take on the world this morning. It's a beautiful day, the birds are singing (screeching and cawing), flowers are blooming. Spring is here early. Instead of worrying about global warming, I'm just going to enjoy the weather - it's not like worrying is gonna turn things around.

 

Actually feeling #blessed today and I hate that **** 😆

 

Gratitude lists are very useful when you're feeling rubbish because they remind you of all the good stuff you have going on, but I'm going to do some today just because I want to. I'm grateful for/that:

 

⚛️         my immune system for recovering so fast from all the vaccinations

🧪         science for coming up with all the vaccinations so I don't have to worry about all these horrible diseases

✅         I have access to all these things and I can afford them 

🇦🇺         I live in an incredibly wonderful country - if you were born in Au, you already won the lottery

🥂         I have enough self-awareness to realise that I seriously need to check my privilege here - I am from the dominant social group. Gotta find a way to use it for good

🏡         I am safe in my home

☀️         the weather is gorgeous today

🚸         my children are well - the younger one had a big overwhelmed cry during the week but has pulled herself together again

🐕‍🦺🐕     my pets are well

🧑🏻‍🤝‍🧑I had an enjoyable week socially - didn't pike on any of my scheduled outings.

[Fifree]

Had round two of my vaccinations on Friday and seem to be ok. Only had a mild headache yesterday, which is a big relief for me. Sending lots of sympathy to our colleagues who have had their lives upended by vaccinations or antibiotics though. My heart goes out to you.

 

I dropped to 5.1 mg last Monday (after 14 days at 5.2) and all seems to be well so far. I'm into making teeny tiny drops that I hopefully won't even notice. I know this gets harder as the dose gets smaller of course, but that is not my problem right now. I'll drop to 5 tomorrow. I'll stick with the lexapro drops for a couple of weeks and then start bringing the tablets back. Hopefully the process will all be complete by the end of September. That's about 6 weeks out from my trip so I hope to be good and stable by then.

 

Moodwise, I would have to describe myself as grim. I am kind of isolating myself, not because I'm worried about seeing people, but because I just don't want to. I just can't be bothered arranging anything, or reaching out to anyone. I'm even pretty lukewarm on my kids which is weird.

 

So now I am playing that old game of is-this-WD-or-is-this-just-me? I just don't know. I originally went on ADs for post-natal depression (or whatever it's called now/in your part of the world). Maybe I got depressed cos my kids drove me crazy!?!? I'm honestly wondering... which is a weird place to be... What if I don't even like them? I'm just really responsible and put myself into a semi-coma for 30 years so I could stand to be around them a lot? This feels sacrilegious as I type it - they've been like my religion for all those years. Now I'm just feeling like "Ugh, what now? What's in it for me?" So I'm feeling like a bit of an awful person, but at the same time I don't really GAF.

 

Oof I just realised it's probably anhedonia. I've been searching up these definitions and webmd tells me that there's social anhedonia and physical anhedonia.

• Social anhedonia. You don’t want to spend time with other people. Anhedonia makes relationships, including those with friends and family members, a struggle. With the reward of enjoyment gone, it's hard to get motivated to spend time with others. You might turn down invitations and skip events like concerts, parties, and even one-on-one get-togethers because you no longer believe there's any benefit in taking part.

I definitely have that. Damn. I don't feel depressed. Just cbf. It's good to know that I'm probably not a monster, but it's disappointing to know that I have symptoms, in spite of my very slow tapering of late. I've cut my dexamphetamine because of Thailand, so that's bound to mess up the reward centres in my brain I guess. I am going to see psych this week to see if there is something he can switch me to that is legal in Thailand. The way I'm feeling right now is not good.

I'm excited about my trip though. I'm told linen is the thing to wear in Thailand at the time of year I'm going due to high humidity. So on Friday while my car was at the mechanic, I went op-shopping (thrifting) to see what I could find. I was very fortunate and scored heaps of lovely linen tops and pants at very reasonable prices. And that was just as well because my car cost over $800 to fix 😳.  I'm counting the day as a net win though. Even though I would not have actually spent $800 on clothes, the things I bought would were all decent brands and would have cost at least $800 if I'd bought them new. I actually spent $60.

 

I also still really like chocolate. I wish loss of appetite was one of my symptoms but I've been craving carbs and sugar ever since I started this journey. Lately though I have been getting surges of anxiety after I eat chocolate and have had a few sleepless nights as well. I eventually realised this is probably because of the small amount of caffeine in milk chocolate. I gave up regular coffee months ago and switched to decaf, then I had to quit dark chocolate and switched to milk chocolate. But cos I have so much less caffeine in my system overall, I think that's affecting me now too. So I guess I'll have to give that up too. Not a bad thing of course - I could definitely stand to lose a few kilos. 

 

 

 

[Thorin]

9 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Moodwise, I would have to describe myself as grim. I am kind of isolating myself, not because I'm worried about seeing people, but because I just don't want to. I just can't be bothered arranging anything, or reaching out to anyone. I'm even pretty lukewarm on my kids which is weird.

Looking back on your life is this how you’ve TYPICALLY been? Or only occasionally? Or maybe only now? I have periods of needing some distance from my kids a little. If I’m particularly struggling or if they’re being particularly hard work. 
 

 

11 minutes ago, Fifree said:

So now I am playing that old game of is-this-WD-or-is-this-just-me? I just don't know. I originally went on ADs for post-natal depression (or whatever it's called now/in your part of the world). Maybe I got depressed cos my kids drove me crazy!?!? I'm honestly wondering... which is a weird place to be... What if I don't even like them? I'm just really responsible and put myself into a semi-coma for 30 years so I could stand to be around them a lot? This feels sacrilegious as I type it - they've been like my religion for all those years. Now I'm just feeling like "Ugh, what now? What's in it for me?" So I'm feeling like a bit of an awful person, but at the same time I don't really GAF

Hmmm I bet there’re parts of your kids you don’t like. That’s normal. I bet there are parts of your kids you DO like. You can’t rule out all your years of parenting just because you’re struggling in this moment. That’s just withdrawal. It’s not real. I would lay money down that this is just a bit of a wave you need to endure for a short while. I also don’t know that meds can chemically induce you to deeply love someone which I bet you have felt for your kids at some point in the past. I think they can cause you to seek out stimulation etc like maybe having a partner that stimulates you but is maybe not good for you. But I don’t think they can make you deeply love that person (just an example of how I think they do and don’t work).

 

18 minutes ago, Fifree said:

e. I've cut my dexamphetamine because of Thailand, so that's bound to mess up the reward centres in my brain I guess.

This happened to me for a little bit when I stopped. Not great just before you go on hols! I don’t know how long this lasted for me as I was in withdrawal from other things at the time.

[Fifree]

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

That’s just withdrawal. It’s not real.

 

Thanks for the support @Thorin. You're such a good friend to us here. 🥲

 

I think you're right and it's a wave - I have anhedonia and it is very strange for me. It's unfamiliar and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing.  I kind of like it because usually I have so many feelings, I'm overwhelmed by them most of the time 🤪. This being so dispassionate is a great holiday from my own internal dialogue, but has me thinking I'm turning into a sociopath.  Not the bad kind who wants to go around doing harm, but the kind who just DNGAF. (Of course a sociopath would not be worrying about it like I am).

 

My therapist (the one before the last very bad one) was always trying to get me to buy into the notion of "not my circus, not my monkeys" but I never really could. Now I'm like "meh. what's it to me?" So maybe it's good..? I made my kids the centre of my universe with the result that I have really put my own life on hold as I worked full-time, did my best to maintain house, on-call emotional support person 24/7 (no matter how awful they'd been to me recently and zero interest or care for my struggles), endless lifts, going to little athletics in 43 degrees for the older one and going to endless school concerts for the younger. You know the drill... no fancy holidays, no interesting meals, no dating, endless sniping (eg the carrots are the wrong shape), a swimming pool and 2 dogs that are now my sole responsibility. 

 

I have had an extremely quiet day today and have literally not spoken to another soul  - apart from y'all (and the dawgs). Tomorrow I will be part of the world again as I have yoga in the morning, photoshop course and dental appointment in the afternoon, and trivia in the evening.  It will do me good I think.

 

Wow I'm feeling quite sorry for myself rn so I definitely still have feelings... I really need to find a new therapist who can help me work this though.

 

@j1290 A while ago you asked us to put up our tapering theme song. It's been playing on my mind cos I couldn't think of one, but this little wave has finally helped me identify it:

 

 

 

[j1290]

19 hours ago, Fifree said:

So now I am playing that old game of is-this-WD-or-is-this-just-me?

Well, I read the box, it says it's more fun if you play with friends, so here we are!  😁

19 hours ago, Fifree said:

I would have to describe myself as grim. I am kind of isolating myself, not because I'm worried about seeing people, but because I just don't want to.

I can relate.   To use a tired cliche there are so many ingredients to this recipe, but I think tapering is the main one for me and it limits my capacity for joy, and that comes out in a bunch of different ways.  Kinda like it numbed all my senses, now when I taper I think it limits the capacity for all sorts of stuff.   It slowly ramps back up for me, but I need a big rest to get to whatever normal will be.  I think 🤷😊

 

12 hours ago, Fifree said:

A while ago you asked us to put up our tapering theme song. It's been playing on my mind cos I couldn't think of one, but this little wave has finally helped me identify it:

Man, this takes me back!   I haven't seen this video for a minute.   A long time ago I saw a photoshoot of his house.  Pretty artistic, as I recall.   

[littlebird]

22 hours ago, Fifree said:

Moodwise, I would have to describe myself as grim. I am kind of isolating myself, not because I'm worried about seeing people, but because I just don't want to. I just can't be bothered arranging anything, or reaching out to anyone.

Whew, I know that feeling!

 

22 hours ago, Fifree said:

I originally went on ADs for post-natal depression (or whatever it's called now/in your part of the world). Maybe I got depressed cos my kids drove me crazy!?!?

I was just reading about post-natal depression being less common in cultures where people rally around a new mother and help with household chores so mom and baby can bond. Would be nice if that was more common!

 

22 hours ago, Fifree said:

What if I don't even like them? I'm just really responsible and put myself into a semi-coma for 30 years so I could stand to be around them a lot? This feels sacrilegious as I type it - they've been like my religion for all those years. Now I'm just feeling like "Ugh, what now? What's in it for me?" So I'm feeling like a bit of an awful person, but at the same time I don't really GAF.

You're not an awful person at all, and your kids can be loved and special to you and also drive you up a wall or leave you feeling neutral at best.

 

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

I have really put my own life on hold as I worked full-time, did my best to maintain house, on-call emotional support person 24/7 (no matter how awful they'd been to me recently and zero interest or care for my struggles), endless lifts, going to little athletics in 43 degrees for the older one and going to endless school concerts for the younger. You know the drill... no fancy holidays, no interesting meals, no dating, endless sniping (eg the carrots are the wrong shape), a swimming pool and 2 dogs that are now my sole responsibility. 

Babe, no wonder you're having some feelings!!!!! You know how tapering thaws things out like memories and emotions? I'm wondering if you've got many years of compartmentalized feelings about having to do the most for these people. Give yourself grace and compassion, please? At least as much as you can. 

 

15 hours ago, Fifree said:

I really need to find a new therapist who can help me work this though.

Hope you find a good one!! That last one sounded absolutely wild and I'm so glad you called it with her.

[Momiki]

On 8/27/2023 at 2:08 PM, Fifree said:

"not my circus, not my monkeys"

 

As a non-native English speaker, it wasn't until recently that I heard this expression. It's still making me giggle. 🤭

 

NGAF and being annoyed by your children sound like WD to me. WD has this way of amplifying whatever problem there is under the surface. And even if it isn't withdrawal, then it's still not a problem. You are allowed to feeling like that occasionally. Life isn't a non-stop parade of sunshine and rainbows. Clouds and rain (and sometimes storm) are normal, healthy and sometimes necessary.

 

I've played the "is-this-WD-or-is-this-just-me?" game before. You'll eventually grow tired of it, and then things just are what they are. Until you occasionally pick it up again, but get bored rather quickly. To me it sounds like you're handling the adversities that are thrown you're way quite well.  Anhedonia really sucks, I don't want to downplay your feelings. But I'm confident that you'll tackle this beast eventually.

[6ofclubs19]

Hola @Fifree just wanted to pop in and say hi. We are both kinda in the same spot with our Lexapro taper. 🤗

[Mamgu]

I thought I'd stick my two penn'orth in re feelings towards family in case it helps soothe you in some way.  I'm not the most maternal of folks, I love (i mean LOVE) my sons and grandchildren but I don't get gooey over other peoples kids.  I've struggled with this for years, thinking there's something wrong with me but you know what? The more I speak out about my feelings/experience the more I realise I'm not that unusual.  Yes, society presumes and even dictates we should all want a family and love the whole experience but in reality, it's not all fun and joy, it's bleedin' hard.  I can recall providing maternity leave cover in a temping job and the new mum arrived in the office with her baby and handed the baby round for a hold....errrm no thanks!  I was also scared I'd drop the poor thing 😂

 

That said, when my boys left home/went travelling (eldest spent a year in Aus/NZ!) I had a hefty dose of Empty Nest Syndrome....who was I?.....what is my purpose?....what next?... kinda thing. It was a BIG DEAL and society doesn't give it enough credence.  I mean, new parents get a lot of support and advice and quite rightly so, but it's much less when our children grow up and our roles change.  The good news is, eventually we find new roles, our kids will always need us to some extent so we are always parents, we have more time to do those things we've been putting off because we didn't have the time and we Find Ourselves Again 🙂

 

Two faces of the same coin?

[Carmie]

Dear @Fifree, thank you so very much for your kind messages over my neck of the woods. You certainly sound like you have your hands full. 

 

You did a photoshop course. How was that? I love taking photos, but I haven’t hardly taken any lately as I’ve been too sick. Now that your anhedonia is bad, I’m guessing interest in things subsides too. When my anhedonia was bad I forced myself to do things, even though I struggled to find any pleasure in them. I hope your day has been okay. 
 

Sending hugs🤗

[Fifree]

I went to 5 mg on Monday (from 5.1, so hopefully nbd). A tiny 2% cut, but it feels like a massive milestone to get down to 5 mg and be still standing. It lets me know that rest of it is possible. It will be long, but it will happen. It was also supernice to just take those 5 drops out of one bottle without all the faffing about. Will be even easier when I switch back to tablets… 

 

Thanks y'all for the nice, calm feedback (including permission to admit that the sun, moon and stars do not shine out of my children). I’m pretty convinced that I am not a monster and this phase is just is due to tapering. It is fun to think that one day in the relatively near future we will know who we really are and won't have to play this game anymore. The anhedonia is lifting now. I got through my busy day ok on Monday and didn’t yell at anyone (or at least I disguised it as good-natured Aussie ribbing).  Had dinner with my kids last night and had the usual lovely time with them.

 

Caught up with psych yesterday too. My psych likes to tell funny stories and be jocular - it's his schtick. When I arrived at my appointment, he offered me a cup of tea and I declined. He said "Ohh isn't our tea good enough for you anymore?. And I said "no, I'm just off caffeine". He said I was too hard on myself and when I said it made me anxious since I've been tapering, he looked kind of annoyed. I think he thinks I'm making up all this tapering drama. I am soooo not that person. I honestly dislike fuss, particularly medical fuss. I am blessed with robust physical health and am pretty cavalier about it, like my dad. I can generally cure any ailment with one or more of:

• a walk outside in the fresh air,
• a hot bath,
• a cuppa tea* and a good lie-down,
• a healthy meat-and-three-veg meal.

I have the opposite of health anxiety. If I could get off this junk any faster and without issues, like any of us here, I would.

I told him about my trip to Thailand, and that dextroamphetamine is just flat-out illegal there. However methylphenidate (Ritalin) is legal, provided you have all your paperwork in order. I don't think he actually believed me at first, but I had printed out the relevant info from the Thailand Ministry of Public Health. So he has given me a script for Ritalin and I am swapping over to that. Today is day one on Ritalin instead of Dex. Hopefully it will go smoothly. No more changes for me until November at the earliest. I will update my signature.

 

I just realised that I am probably one of my psych's funny stories about excessive caution in tapering. 

 

*decaf of course