Fifree introduction

[j1290]

4 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Because 10mg is the dose that brought me here to SA when I cut from 20mg

Congrats, Fifree!  I did something very similar and it was a huge weight off my shoulders when I got below that certain number.  I'm really excited and happy for you to get to reclaim those parts of yourself that were hidden away by the meds.  I don't know about you, but in the times that I'm not dealing with WD I enjoy being myself more.  I didn't have a clue how shut down I actually was.  It's such a unique process, I try and enjoy the many fun parts(LOL ok there's not that many haha).  

 

9 minutes ago, Fifree said:

It feels very exciting and brave to be below the minimum therapeutic dose.

It's an achievement for sure.  I'm looking forward to hearing how things go moving ahead!  I'm not quite there yet, but just being close is exciting, and I feel like each cut gets me that much farther to being myself again.   

 

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

This proves to me that my brain/body can heal - solid evidence that 10 mg is doable. And if 10 is doable, why not 9? or 5? or 0mg? I know that's a long way off, but given enough time and caution, I'll get there. [note: I went faster than 10% at the high doses but will now be slowing it down now I'm at min therapeutic dose]

Absolutely proves that you can heal and can get where you want to be. Also shows us that we can do it!

 

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

So here I am at 9 mg. It feels very exciting and brave to be below the minimum therapeutic dose. And I am having positive side effects as well as negative. Sorry if it's TMI but I actually have my sex drive (and function) back.

Not TMI. Sex drive and sexuality is a big part of who a person is. Losing that is horrible. Getting it back is wonderful!

 

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

I am really keen to see if there will be other positives as I get onto lower doses. I started on 10 mg maybe 17 years ago...  It's a long time on the drug. Will I be less fatigued all the time? Will I be funnier? Less intense/more chill? Will I have the drive to get things done? I remember a time when I could just jump on into things and get them done and every project didn't seem like an Everest that I just couldn't be bothered with. I've always put my malaise down to depression and aging, but what if it's not? Wowsers. It's all pretty exciting really.

It’s exciting. I’m keen to see who emerges from under the fog of meds!

[Mamgu]

8 hours ago, Fifree said:

I am really keen to see if there will be other positives as I get onto lower doses. I started on 10 mg maybe 17 years ago...  It's a long time on the drug. Will I be less fatigued all the time? Will I be funnier? Less intense/more chill? Will I have the drive to get things done? I remember a time when I could just jump on into things and get them done and every project didn't seem like an Everest that I just couldn't be bothered with. I've always put my malaise down to depression and aging, but what if it's not? Wowsers. It's all pretty exciting really.

 

This is exactly what I'm excited about too.  I'm starting to feel myself emerging again, after years of the numbing effects of the drug followed by years of withdrawal symptoms; then chuck menopause in the mix too, pffft!  But slowly the real me is returning and I'm confident the real you is returning too 🙂

 

Congratulations on reaching this milestone. It's a long, slow old road but you've got sturdy walking boots.

[Fifree]

Goshdangit I'm happy for all of us emerging from this terrible fog. How did we let it creep up on us? I guess they put you on them when you're feeling bad for whatever reason and then you don't realise that you aren't actually better. They increase the dose and you feel numb and then you've lost both the good and the bad but you're too medicated to notice. It's like some horrible sci-fi story. And I don't even like sci-fi when I'm not living it.  

 

A big high 5 to all of you and thanks so much for the love @Mamgu @j1290and @Thorin

 

Onward and downward!

[j1290]

You said it better than I could, Fifree! 

[Thorin]

18 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Goshdangit I'm happy for all of us emerging from this terrible fog. How did we let it creep up on us? I guess they put you on them when you're feeling bad for whatever reason and then you don't realise that you aren't actually better. They increase the dose and you feel numb and then you've lost both the good and the bad but you're too medicated to notice. It's like some horrible sci-fi story. And I don't even like sci-fi when I'm not living it.  

 

A big high 5 to all of you and thanks so much for the love @Mamgu @j1290and @Thorin

 

Onward and downward!

Coming out of the numbness and fog has been bizarre, excruciating and wonderful. I can feel things completely for the first time since I was 16. My eyesight is changing (sounds bizarre I know). I’m connecting with people on a deeper level because I can feel. I feel I am authentically me for the first time. I haven’t even finished may taper yet. What else is to come! High 5 to you too mate!

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

I guess they put you on them when you're feeling bad for whatever reason and then you don't realise that you aren't actually better. They increase the dose and you feel numb and then you've lost both the good and the bad but you're too medicated to notice. It's like some horrible sci-fi story.

 

You said it!!!!! Been thinking about this a lot lately.

[Fifree]

Doing an update because I actually have some symptoms from my most recent cut. Nothing too severe, but I know that I am at the pointy end now after a fairly quick and relatively uneventful trip down from 30mg to 8.5.

 

It is Day 12 on 8.5 mg. I fiddled around a bit with this dose. According to my elaborate (and possibly ill-advised tapering plan) I should've gone to 8.4 for another 2% drop in SERT. Because I'm kinda lazy and I take my meds first thing in the morning when I'm half asleep, I didn't want to do anything complicated. So I took 9 drops for a couple of days, then 8 drops for a couple of days, then 8 and 9 on alternate days and then I finally I mentally slapped myself and made a nice 1:1 solution and have been taking 8.5 properly for 3 days which I will stick with for the rest of my 28 days. 

 

My guts are churning a little which may be Easter chocolate related or it may be WD related. It feels similar to what's happened in previous cuts. It's not too serious - just uncomfortable. Regardless of the cause, it's time to eat sensible food and drink plenty of water. I've been letting the occasional glass of wine slip into my life again too - maybe one or two a week, socially. I know that's a bad idea. I feel completely out of it when I drink now.

 

More concerning, for me, is that today I feel weirdly anxious today for no reason. I was also a little weepy on Friday - not good. Felt just like PMS where I am just unbearably sad about some little thing and I know it's a little thing but I'm still that sad. So far I've been able to breathe it away and Dr Claire Weekes has been so helpful in reminding me that the physical feeling of anxiety actually means nothing at all. She's blown my mind a little. What an amazing woman she was. So far ahead of her time. And I love her crazy accent. Just listening to her makes me feel safe.

 

Anyway, since I am getting to this point, I think I need to put together a first aid kid for myself. Because I know it could get way worse and I really don't want that.

 

So I plan to download some Dr Claire to my phone if I can, print out some info sheets from this site and stick them on the fridge for quick n easy reference, make sure my vitamins etc are stocked up etc.

 

I'm going to the GP today to get a new "mental health plan" - which is a referral to a psychologist at rates subsidised by the govt (hooray for universal healthcare). I've mentioned before that the therapist I had been going to is very supportive, but is a keen proponent of CBT, which I don't find particularly useful. I know it works well for a lot of people, but as I already have many critical voices in my head, I don't find it very useful to get on the train and start criticising myself as well for having feelings.

 

So I'm going to ask for a NEW THERAPIST - one who specialises in adult ADHD and/or (hopefully and) mindfulness which actually does work for me. It feels quite radical, because self-care has been a pretty wild concept for me. It's something my soon-to-be-former therapist put me on to - she really is lovely - and I've been working hard at it. That sounds ridiculous - self-care being something you have to work at, but it has been in my case. I generally feel guilty for doing anything nice for myself or even prioritising my needs - especially over the needs or even wants of my children, my job, my pets, whatever I see as a RESPONSIBILITY. I am very VERY responsible - to a fault in fact. I'm no fun. I procrastinate in search of perfection and fear of making a mistake. I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism I developed along the way to manage my ADHD, but I need someone to help me with that. 

 

So this is progress. I have to break up with my current therapist. I'm sure she will be perfectly fine with it of course but it feels big to me! In fact it is a sign of her success that my knowledge of the need for self-care is leading me to seek out a therapist who is more suited to my needs. 

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. Hope everyone is having more windows than waves.

 

Fi

[j1290]

10 minutes ago, Fifree said:

My guts are churning a little which may be Easter chocolate related

😂😂😂🐰  Wish I'd eaten chocolate yesterday!

 

10 minutes ago, Fifree said:

She's blown my mind a little. What an amazing woman she was. So far ahead of her time. And I love her crazy accent. Just listening to her makes me feel safe.

 

All I can figure is she must not be monetizable because she deserves so much more attention than she gets.  I think she's an absolute treasure.

 

10 minutes ago, Fifree said:

So this is progress. I have to break up with my current therapist. I'm sure she will be perfectly fine with it of course but it feels big to me! In fact it is a sign of her success that my knowledge of the need for self-care is leading me to seek out a therapist who is more suited to my needs.

I think it's a big deal!  I always skipped the exit interview myself, but in retrospect I wish I'd done it just for the challenge, if for no other reason.  Can't wait to hear how it goes.  I think different therapists for different areas, I've never found one that can do it all.   

[Thorin]

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

I'm going to the GP today to get a new "mental health plan" - which is a referral to a psychologist at rates subsidised by the govt (hooray for universal healthcare). I've mentioned before that the therapist I had been going to is very supportive, but is a keen proponent of CBT, which I don't find particularly useful. I know it works well for a lot of people, but as I already have many critical voices in my head, I don't find it very useful to get on the train and start criticising myself as well for having feelings.

 

So I'm going to ask for a NEW THERAPIST - one who specialises in adult ADHD and/or (hopefully and) mindfulness which actually does work for me. It feels quite radical, because self-care has been a pretty wild concept for me. It's something my soon-to-be-former therapist put me on to - she really is lovely - and I've been working hard at it. That sounds ridiculous - self-care being something you have to work at, but it has been in my case. I generally feel guilty for doing anything nice for myself or even prioritising my needs - especially over the needs or even wants of my children, my job, my pets, whatever I see as a RESPONSIBILITY. I am very VERY responsible - to a fault in fact. I'm no fun. I procrastinate in search of perfection and fear of making a mistake. I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism I developed along the way to manage my ADHD, but I need someone to help me with that. 

Man you are ALL over this stuff! I’m love it! Just quickly (I’m meant to be working) you should absolutely find an ADHD aware therapist. There are plenty out there and you can often do Zoom appointments which can be helpful.

personally I find CBT on it’s own a bit useless (but use full when used as part of a suite of tools). More feelings based work seems much more effective to me (EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy can be helpful). Hard to know what’s right for you.

Your fear of making a mistake and perfectionism is classic adhd stuff (ask me, my partner, my daughter lol). It can be hard work changing this internal stuff but totally doable.

[Fifree]

Day 21 on 8.5mg

 

Time for an update I guess.

 

I’ve been a little anxious lately and a little more inclined to get weepy so I know I am into tapering proper now. It’s nothing catastrophic or interfering majorly with my life, but I am having to pause for a lot of big deep breaths lately, ground and centre and all that. I count myself pretty fortunate so far. 

 

Except this morning I can’t remember if I actually took the 8 drops from the bottle of Lexapro. I definitely took the 0.5 ml from my 1:1 solution in the fridge… So I may’ve just had 0.5 mg this morning, or I may’ve had 8.5. This is not ideal obviously.

 

I am feeling a little better this morning than I have been the last few days. Unfortunately I don’t know if that’s because I am reaching WD normal or because I possibly missed most of my dose of Lex this morning. Cr@p. Something to actually get anxious about. Not that worrying will do me any good either way. I’ve decided that I’d rather skip the dose than double dose, so that is really an end to the matter. Draw a line under that Missy. (but but but ruminating is so much fun!) On the upside, I have never suffered from skipping a dose or 2 in the past so hopefully this will be ok. Although, I am sure I am more sensitive now that I am tapering and on a lower dose. 

 

Whatever. That’s done (or not). I am feeling ok today. Have just been to yoga which is the perfect start to the day and I plan to spend the rest of today being nice to myself by tidying up my study and bedroom and stuff. This may not be seen as fun for most people, but is a big act of self-love for a chaotic person like me.

 

Gonna hang out here on 8.5 for the next week and then see how I am feeling for another drop. Go well peeps. 

[j1290]

5 minutes ago, Fifree said:

I’ve been a little anxious lately and a little more inclined to get weepy so I know I am into tapering proper now

Welcome to the club! 😄  You get used to it, just takes a bit to adjust.   The easy to say and hard to do trick is to remember that the emotionality doesn't stay forever, it just feels like it does.   

 

9 minutes ago, Fifree said:

Except this morning I can’t remember if I actually took the 8 drops from the bottle of Lexapro.

Thorin turned me on to an app that timestamps photos.  I take pics of every dose.  I think in 8 months of tapering, with 3 x day dosing that changes every month, I only had one or two scares that turned out to be nothing.   There's so little I can control about tapering, this one thing I can.   

 

13 minutes ago, Fifree said:

but but but ruminating is so much fun!

No kidding.   An instructor told us once that if we didn't believe our thoughts could determine our mood, try to imagine getting stuck in a traffic jam and tell me if your mood was affected?   Convinced me.  

14 minutes ago, Fifree said:

but is a big act of self-love for a chaotic person like me.

I appreciate hearing this.  I can relate.  Tidying up is a big deal.  

[Fifree]

On 4/20/2023 at 11:56 AM, j1290 said:

the emotionality doesn't stay forever, it just feels like it does

It really does! I've read this many times and I repeated it to myself many times, but I was still freaking out at those times. Even about 30 mins ago I had another rush of anxiety and it literally lasted about 10 seconds but still I thought "OMG here it comes again, I thought I'd recovered from the last cut but it's come back and I'm going to be a mess and I'll never be able to do my next cut!" And then it was gone.

 

On 4/20/2023 at 11:56 AM, j1290 said:

app that timestamps photos

This is a really great idea but because I'm on the drops now, I don't know how it would work. I get myself a small glass of water and I put my drops in it along with the diluted solution and then I drink it along with my Dex. There's just no way to tell if you put all the drops in! I think maybe I need to be a bit more sequential about my mornings. I am making coffee and warming milk and feeding the dogs and making up my meds all at the same time and it all gets a little muddled as I bounce around from stove to sink to fridge to dog bowls and back again.

 

Thanks for the input J. Welcome as always

[Mamgu]

Hi Fifree

 

It's a curious feeling, when it all kicks in we're overwhelmed, I still, after all these years of reducing my dose, go straight into "this is so bad, I'm never going to recover, what's the point" kind of thoughts.  I think that's why it's a good idea to write down when the windows open and things are going well.  It's good to read back and helps put things into perspective.

 

Are your drops ready prepared?  I make my own liquid and have to make up weekly batches because I can't face the faffing every morning, I'm more likely to mess it up!  That said, I read that the suspension is viable for 3-4 days so maybe weekly batches isn't the best thing?  Not sure about how you go about yours so I may be waffling on for nothing 😂.  Could you do all the other morning things first then concentrate on your dosing?  That might make you more confident you're doing things correctly.

[Fifree]

8 hours ago, Mamgu said:

good idea to write down when the windows open and things are going well

So true. Thanks Mamgu. I will do that from now on. 

 

8 hours ago, Mamgu said:

Could you do all the other morning things first then concentrate on your dosing?

Right again! This morning I attended to all the other things first. Fed dogs, put coffee on, went outside to fertilise pumpkins (the bees around here do not do a good enough job), stood in dog poop, half cleaned that up, limped in to turn coffee off, back outside,  finished cleaning up, watered the garden… now where was I? Oh yeah time for meds.  🤣

 

So yeah, I’m gonna bumble though all the other stuff in future and then make a holy ritual of measuring the drops out. I hear you about the faffing about. I also hate doing it in the mornings. I have the fancy store bought Lex drops atm so I don’t have to worry about it going off. I suppose I could get a lot of tiny containers - maybe those salad dressing containers and mix up my doses for the week on Sunday evenings.  That might be best for me. Back in the day before tapering, I always wrote the days of the week on the blister packs my tablets came in so I could keep track. So I need to find a way to make the drops work for me too….

[Mamgu]

As if you haven't got enough on your plate, you could do without lazy bees 😆.

 

I bought some small glass brown bottles from Amazon (50ml Amber Glass Boston Round Bottle (With White Tamper Evident Cap & Dropper) (10) : Amazon.co.uk: Business, Industry & Science) then stuck adhesive labels on them and wrote a day on each of them, so I have 7 bottles labelled Monday, Tuesday etc......  I'll make up my batch on the same day each week, that also helps with the Brass Monkey weekly dose adjustments.

 

Anything for an easy life 😂

 

[Fifree]

49 minutes ago, Mamgu said:

 

I bought some small glass brown bottles

That’s v smart. I’ll do the same. I found these adorbs ones too but they’re probs not very sensible. 

 

The aesthetic tho! 
 

thanks Mamgu

[Mamgu]

ooooh yes, they are gorgeous, very tempting - but I think the amber ones are the way to go, something to do with blocking out light that may affect the medication.  But they really are cute 😀

[manymoretodays]

HiFifree,

Wanted to get over and so here I am.

Congrats on your successful crossover to liquid escitalopram and also your self care/love, which can be difficult sometimes.

 

I did want you to get on over to Drugs.com and put your current drugs in there, and then share a copy or a link to your results.  Mull it over too.....let us know what you think.

 

Wondering....just what happened how you felt, any symptoms at all of serotonin syndrome when I see you got started with your stimulant medication.  Here's the time period from your signature that I am especially interested in.....if you remember at all:

2022: (early) increased to 30 mg Lexapro.
Dec 2022: 5 mg dextroamphetamine once a day. Began Lex taper. Dex increased to 5 mg x 2 per day January 23

 

I say thank goodness you got down from that what you must realize now was a whopper dose of Lexapro, the 30 mg.

 

I don't know quite what to say about your surety of this "inattentive ADD" that you have.  I mean given 23 and 24 years of treatment for despair/low mood, difficulty with that all.........and likely tolerance reached with many of your AD's leading to switches and all......it is of course a very tough call to make as to if you really did have some inherent something.......present well before you even swallowed a AD.  Used to be.....that one would have to have some childhood symptoms to fit into that category of ADD or ADHD, or now AD inattentive type too......and maybe so for you.

 

I did see your age as well, and just want you to be totally aware of the side effects with long term usage of your stimulant.  You can use Drugs.com to look at all those side effects, and also just google your dextroamphetamine too to learn more.  I'm talking your heart here.  Not to mention, oh totally to mention......that you may hit tolerance and need more dextroamphetamine and more.......as time goes on.  You can work on focus and attention in therapy too.

 

And not to be the downer to all the supportive messages and the like in your group here......I'm sure I am.  It's just that any of us would likely benefit a bit from a stimulant while in WD.......I know I did, and had tried going in agreement with my shrink once or twice that I had ADD, and still......only went with brief trials of long acting Vyvanse once and then adderall while hospitalized after severe WD from Lexapro(which helped, but I didn't want to stay on this merry go round forever, and then later learned more and more about WD, and could look at my history with new eyes).  I was supposed to be on 2 doses of 5 mg too......what I did was stay on just 2.5 mg mid day, and that was enough......for 6 months........I did pretty much have to cold turkey that.... as my shrink just said go off it- you'll have no trouble.  I was also on another "brake" drug too though........and although it was tough......it was manageable.  And I still didn't buy at all.......that I had any variant of ADD.......despite all the DSM5 morphing and changes through the years.  I figured it was much more likely I had consequences from all the years I was medicated......never without a AD, until the very end.  I was smart as a child.  Heck yes, sometimes inattentive......what child or adult isn't sometimes.  I mean come on......come on....

 

It's up to you......totally........but be informed outside of all that mainstream propaganda, that's all I am saying.  And if ever........you wish to taper the dextroamphetamine, we do have a topic......and it's the same as the rest......10% or less, off each previous dose.  For some, they might be able to do shorter intervals.  For the majority though they often find they need to do less than 10% and sometimes with greater intervals.  

 

The charts and graphs ARE great, which show those percentage drops in receptor occupancy  and the respective doses.  But no one is advocating that everyone taper according to those charts, or graphs......at 4 week intervals or anything else.  They just illustrate how a specific dose is related to a receptor occupancy and then also plasma concentrations.  The charts from the Meyer's article, well that was in 2004.  Horowitz is showing some now too, more drugs......different drugs.......but even there....... isn't advocating faster tapers than we do.  Yeah, it's all cool.......when it hits and we understand. 

 

Alright so there is your more serious input from me.  So glad you are getting along with the Lexapro taper.

 

From: Important topics in the Tapering Forum

Tips for tapering off Adderall-AKA dextroamphetamine or amphetamine

 

It's pretty darn addictive stuff too, I mean as opposed to just being physiologically dependent.  It is often a drug of abuse.

 

And you may be all aware and I am just being a pain.  I just don't want you to get into any drug related consequences to your aging systems(young, young at heart) now either.  I'm a bit older than you, and still so very happy I got drug free.  Most days.  I mean I stick around sometimes just to prevent me from thinking some drug might make it easier.  Had a little experiment with just one Claritin, an antihistamine......supposedly non-drowsy the other day.  I got brain fog, and I am 6 years drug free now,  and when it was wearing off began sneezing.  So much for that.  I survived.

 

Okay, and carry on.  Do continue to example for us how you do your self care/self love-be your own best friend sometimes.  I think we are all really here to learn together sometimes.  Glad you are a member here!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

mmt

(and I know just about anyone could have condensed what I was trying to say into much less verbage.  Oh well.  Acceptance is key too sometimes)

 

[Fifree]

Hi @manymoretodays. Thanks very much for dropping by my thread and providing some input.

 

On 4/25/2023 at 8:42 AM, manymoretodays said:

I did want you to get on over to Drugs.com and put your current drugs in there, and then share a copy or a link to your results.

I put my drug interactions in way back at the start and saw that there is indeed potential for a major interaction between Lex n Dex. I've also read that anyone over 60 shouldn't be on more than 10 mg of Lex anyway. Fortunately I have not had even the slightest sign of serotonin syndrome including in the period you referred to (when I was still on 30 mg of Lex). Phew! When I started the Dex I felt calm and my sleep improved tremendously. But these two factors (the interaction and the warnings for people over a certain age) are a major reason that I am in such a hurry to get off the Lex. Since I find the Dex calming, I plan to focus on the Lex first and then reassess in a few years time once I'm off the Lex (which has never done a lot for me except relieve my withdrawals from Effexor).

 

On 4/25/2023 at 8:42 AM, manymoretodays said:

Used to be.....that one would have to have some childhood symptoms to fit into that category of ADD or ADHD, or now AD inattentive type too......and maybe so for you.

When I was assessed for ADHD I was asked lots of questions about my childhood and young adult life and it fitted the picture (noting that the DSM is not really recognised as meaningful here). While I'm tapering off the Lex I plan to get some ADHD coaching and that will set my up better for coming off the Dex down the road.

 

On 4/25/2023 at 8:42 AM, manymoretodays said:

And not to be the downer

You are not a downer at all mmt. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself and I really appreciate your input all over the site. I've even written some quotes from you down in my diary.

 

On 4/25/2023 at 8:42 AM, manymoretodays said:

And if ever........you wish to taper the dextroamphetamine, we do have a topic

Thank you for this. I read the topic. I am no biochemist but I am pedantic and wanted to just note that dextroamphetamine is not the same as Adderall. It may be just a technicality, but Adderall is a mix of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine. Dextroamphetamine is just... dextroamphetamine. In practice, they have similar effects and side effects and I'm sure the 10% taper advice holds true for either of them.

 

On 4/25/2023 at 8:42 AM, manymoretodays said:

Okay, and carry on.  Do continue to example for us how you do your self care/self love-be your own best friend sometimes.  I think we are all really here to learn together sometimes.  Glad you are a member here!

 

Thank you so much mmt. I'm super glad that you're a member and moderator here too!

 

Love💗, peace☮️, healing🧘‍♀️, and growth 🍃to you too

 

Fi

 

 

[manymoretodays]

6 hours ago, Fifree said:

I am no biochemist but I am pedantic

From one pedantic to another Fifree!  And I'm laughing. I am pedantic. Oh, so very much so. Perhaps a bit of a blessing and a curse?

More later, I've got so much to get to offline today.  Of which I hope I get to just some of!

[Fifree]

Today I feel like doing a rambling update. This sounds whiney, but I'm actually feeling good. Just reflecting on my life and forgiving myself for everything  especially being neurodivergent.

 

I am scattered, exhausted, busy, focussed, energetic, sleepy, insomniac, can-do, can't-do, what should I do?

 

I don't want to do anything, why don't I ever achieve anything? What do I even want?  I want a PT job, I want no demands placed on my ever again. I feel disconnected and irrelevant. I wanna be a girl with a short skirt and a loooooonnnng jacket

 

I want to live somewhere in the city, I want to live in a small town in the country, in a walkable neighbourhood, in a vineyard in Tuscany. I want to be a leather granny walking up and down the beach each day wearing a bikini. 

 

For the last 30 years, I have had children (they are now 19 and 30) and a mortgage, home maintenance and FT work - trying to get ahead and live the having-it-all BS we were sold. Not being neurotypical. My mind is all over the place which is a blessing and a curse. I love my mind - how it can leap from branch to branch and find links between apparently disparate things. I love my hyperfocus when I want to get something done.

 

BUT it's hard to function in the 'normal' competitive world with this. It makes you anxious because you can't find your glasses or your phone, or your pen or your notebook or the room where your next meeting is, or remember anyone's name. Sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day forcing yourself to think about something you don't give a crap about. You finally force yourself into a bit of focus and start to get into it and someone inevitably interrupts you and you've lost it for an another hour. Around 5:00 pm everyone else goes home (they all started at 7:30 - you crawled in at 9:30 because you have insomnia cos your mind races at night. You worked through lunch).  By 5 it's quiet in the office and you can finally think. You are in flow. No-one ever wrote such an insightful discussion paper/briefing note/report. You could write all night. But you've got to get to after school care by 6 or your kid will feel unloved so you leave your focus and get the bus to aftercare and then go to the supermarket to buy something for dinner and cook for four, and help with homework, and do baths, and teeth and reading time and then you have to lie with the little one until she falls asleep cos she's not neurotypical either and her mind races at night. The TV show you planned to unwind in front of is halfway through and it's too late to stream anything. You go to bed at 10:30 - you've just got to get into a routine! You lie awake until 3:30 cos you can't slow your mind down. You start taking antihistamines at night to help you sleep. You're even more groggy in the morning. You increase your dose of ADs and lose your creativity and drive. 

 

ADHD is not a disorder. I don't have a deficit of attention. I have diffuse attention. I can think about 10 things at once. When I am motivated to put it all in one place, I can do anything. If the tribe was all snoozing by the campfire, I would be wide awake at 2 in the morning. I would see the sabretooth tiger because I'm easily "distracted" (my mind is everywhere at once) and alert everyone. I would be able to improvise a slingshot on the spot and come up with a side flanking movement to escape etc. Diffuse attention wasn't a "disorder" then. It was a valuable survival skill. I would've been the tribe/team member who was happy to do the nightshift so I could gaze at the stars and ponder the meaning of life. In the afternoons, I could've woven a basket, watched the babies, played with the tame wolves and worked on improving my slingshot.

 

It's only a "disorder" in the modern competitive world. Trying to squeeze into the expectations makes you anxious and depressed so they medicate you for it. I burned out at work every few years and would need to take a year off to unwind. Maternity leave was also very helpful for taking a sneaky year out of work without an unexplained career break.

 

Finally realising I have diffuse attention (or as they like to call it in the DSM: ADHD, inattentive type) made me realise that I am completely fine. I DO NOT regard it as a disorder - more like a superpower. Taking the ADHD meds has helped calm me down enough to recognise it. I am a product of, and live in, the competitive modern world so here I am. Polydrugged. While I am getting off Lex I am going to learn new ways to apply my diffuse attention (see what I did there? I'm not even gonna call it ADHD anymore) and I will do great things. 

 

Thanks to anyone who read this ramble.

 

PS I broke up with my therapist who does not specialise in managing "diffuse attention". I agonised over my long text message thanking her and telling her how much I appreciated everything. She sent back
"best wishes". 

 

Unfortunately I do not have a new therapist yet - which is probably why I'm rambling on here today. I see my psychiatrist next week. I will ask him for a therapist recommendation, then I have to go back to the GP and get him to write me a "mental health care plan". So many steps...

[Fifree]

Update time again.

 

I have been really irritable with this cut. I want to punch everyone including myself. I was cranky in French class on Wednesday, cranky at yoga, cranky on the bus, cranky in the traffic, cranky when my friend cancelled our walk. Couldn't even face the supermarket. I would've run my trolley into someone.

 

I've decided that the likely cure to irritability is gratitude, because seriously, I'm on a pretty good wicket (an expression that will be lost on anyone not from a cricket playing country).

 

I realised this yesterday when I was in my yoga class. Words cannot express how much I value and admire my usual yoga teacher. She is a qualified physio and expert in yoga and mindfulness. I think she saved my life when I started with her a few years back... Just amazing. Her and her husband have a nice studio under their house and they sub in for each other if there any issues. But I so dislike it when we get the hub/sub. He just doesn't "get it". He does a reasonable light stretching class but it's not yoga. So I was going through the motions of the class, seething with resentment, and that of course is NOT the headspace to be (well ever, but especially) in a yoga class.  He told us to put our feet out to the side of the mat and our arms at an angle above our head and this image popped into my head and for the life of me I could not remember what it was called... something man... pilkton man..? NO....  and then I was FURIOUS with MYSELF for not being able to remember.

 

I recognised what a lunatic I was being and gently let it go and then VETRUVIAN MAN slid right into my mind and the relief was incredible. My brain still works! There is information in there! Information of debatable importance, but information that can be retrieved. Hooray. I stayed in my body for the rest of the class and actually meant it when I bowed my Namastes at the end. 

 

Anyway, all that just popped me into a better frame of mind. In the afternoon I had an appt with my psych and he said I was doing really well and that he was "impressed". He is puzzled by how slowly I am coming off my Lexapro and said he's never heard of anyone being so badly affected. I told him there are many people having a far worse time than I am. I asked him would he have had me do the 50% cuts and jump off at 2.5mg and he said probably. However, he acknowledged that as it's not him that's actually doing the withdrawing, I probably have a much better idea of how fast I should be going.  So that was pretty refreshing. He's happy to keep prescribing me the liquid so I can slowly slowly reduce.

 

I asked him about referring me to a therapist who could help me with my "diffuse attention" and he tried to put me onto a new psychologist who has just started at his practice. I asked what modalities she used and reiterated that I do not like CBT. He didn't really know. I googled her and her areas of expertise are psychotherapy, CBT, child, adolescent and family therapy. Errrr nope. She also charges wayyyyyy more than my old therapist. The gap (co) payment would be like $100 and my previous one wasn't even charging me a gap. I may've been hasty there...

 

Maybe I am still irritable. 

 

Anyway I guess I'll figure it out somehow. My psych says I'm "sensible" and he's right. I'll figure it out. 

 

There have been some wins. Situational stuff has a big impact on all this.

 

Daughter no.2 (19) who keeps losing jobs and then plunges into the depths of despair has found a new job that she's really excited about. Last night she was supposed to go out with some friends and didn't want to go (isolating just like her ma). I talked her into going - said she only had to go for one hour to be a decent friend. She came home 4 hours later on top of the world. I love it when I make good parenting calls! It's hard to get right, y'know!

 

My old doggie (13) went to the vet on Wednesday and had 6 teeth out and her ears cleaned (she has long long ears and it turned out she had grass seeds stuck right down in there. She's a new dog now. Wags her tail with every step again. Love that scruffy lil money pit.

 

Anyway, the bottom line is it's day 12 of the latest cut and I'm feeling heaps better. I'm gonna write a mammoth gratitude list because my practice has fallen off and I really need to get back to it.

 

Go well everyone. 

 

 

[Thorin]

57 minutes ago, Fifree said:

recognised what a lunatic I was being and gently let it go

Haha I love the way you say this stuff.

 

58 minutes ago, Fifree said:

love it when I make good parenting calls! It's hard to get right, y'know!

Well done! Feels good doesn’t it 😊

 

58 minutes ago, Fifree said:

She also charges wayyyyyy more than my old therapist. The gap (co) payment would be like $100 and my previous one wasn't even charging me a gap. I may've been hasty there...

My gap is about $160 and after tomorrow I run out of sessions on my mental health care plan…… It’s not cheap to see a psychologist in Australia. I’d rather pay more for a really good one than less for mediocre. Also, I agree that CBT doesn’t seem overly effective.

[Fifree]

Hey thanks @Thorin  it’s good to recognise when you’re being dreadful AND when you do well I think… learn from the one (hopefully) and enjoy the other. 

11 hours ago, Thorin said:

…… It’s not cheap to see a psychologist in Australia. I’d rather pay more for a really good one than less for mediocre. Also, I agree that CBT doesn’t seem overly effective.

Psychologists seem to be charging the same as psychiatrists now. I know demand for their services has been really high since the pandemic but they’re really cashing in! Don’t feel right somehow…

 

Anyway, I’ll figure something out… find some online resources or a book or something.  I can be very resourceful. 
 

hope things smooth out for you soon Thorin

[Fifree]

Update on finding a new therapist. I’ve been looking around this site and found 

 

 

Wow I thought. That sounds great. Followed the links and his practice is literally 20 mins from my house. 
 

LOL. They even have ADHD specialists. 

 

So I’ve emailed them to find out about availability and will get my GP to write me a referral if there’s a spot for me

 

Definitely adding this one to the gratitude list

 

🤣😊☺️

[Thorin]

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

but they’re really cashing in! Don’t feel right somehow…

Yeah I feel a little weird about it too……

 

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

hope things smooth out for you soon Thorin

Things aren’t terrible. It’s just a bit uncomfortable and off putting. It’ll improve. I checked online and the recommended cost for a psychologist in Australia is actually $280 per 50 minute session….

[Fifree]

7 minutes ago, Thorin said:

recommended cost for a psychologist in Australia is actually $280 per 50 minute session….

Thanks for this Thorin. I think the medicare rebate is around 130 so that leaves you a long way outta pocket... I shall moderate my expectations.  Maybe buy some books, apps, online courses, YouTube. I don't think I can currently afford to have someone actually listen to me  I'll have to pretend.

 

[Thorin]

21 minutes ago, Fifree said:

I don't think I can currently afford to have someone actually listen to me  I'll have to pretend.

It’s sad when we can’t afford to get the help we need. Many therapists charge less so keep looking!

[Fifree]

Thanks Thorin. I think I am just feeling a bit blue today - each cut gets a little tougher - and I need to get outside and do some exercise or something. I decided to go back a do a course I found on Udemy that I can do for free.

[Fifree]

Feeling a little better now. Have been doing positive things this afternoon. And I just read this from Will Hall:

 

When you go off psychiatric drugs you may have to learn new ways to work with feelings and experiences. You may become more sensitive and vulnerable for a time. Be patient with yourself and do the best you can, with support. Remember that life constantly presents us with challenges: strong emotions are not necessarily signs of crisis or symptoms in need of more medication. It is okay to have negative feelings or altered states of consciousness sometimes: they may be part of the richness and depth of who you are. Talk with others about what you are going through, try to stay connected with sensations in your body, and gradually build up your skills. Tell people close to you what to say and do that helps.

 

That's right.... I needed a reminder that it is to be expected that I'm going to feel a bit rubbish at times as I go through this. It will pass - probably in about a week. It's day 13 and I was full on weepy by day 20 last time. By day 21 I was fine again.

 

Breathe in, breathe out. Good habits. Bushwalking planned tomorrow. Friends. Healthy food. All good. All good.

 

 

[Mamgu]

I read your comments about feeling angry and totally connected with that!  I'm not generally an angry person but I find myself often raging over little things. I'm totally pinning that down to WD.

 

Looks as though you've got lots of ideas and activities to get you through - coping and growing, all good stuff 🙂

[Thorin]

18 hours ago, Fifree said:

Thanks Thorin. I think I am just feeling a bit blue today - each cut gets a little tougher - and I need to get outside and do some exercise or something. I decided to go back a do a course I found on Udemy that I can do for free.

How good is it when you start looking into adhd and then apply it to your life and have all these ‘aha!’ Moments and it all makes sense! Glad you finally got the diagnosis and that your life is improving because of it 😊

[Fifree]

Day 23 on 7.25.

 

I think I'm going ok. I feel a little anxious and restless, but there are situational things going on for sure. My precious lil dog is unwell and my daughter is very stressed about her job... If my kids aren't happy, I'm not happy.

 

Today I start with my new therapist which I'm pretty excited about. I hope she can help me sort some of my issues out and will be helpful in my tapering. Feels a little exhausting to have to build a relationship with a new therapist, but my former one wasn't really working for me. Kind as she was, I was not making progress in my life. I have high hopes with ACT. I started reading a book on it, but my enthusiasm for self-help petered out once I had this appointment secured. 

 

I'm gonna drop to 7 mg tomorrow - a tiny drop of 2.75%. I just want to round it out. I'm gonna sit there for a few weeks and give myself a break from all the fiddling around with potions and tiny bottles etc. I'm going on a holiday in a couple of weeks and I don't want to ruin it with the usual magnitude of drop or fiddling about or risking stuffing up my dose.  I will just take my Lex bottle and take my 7 drops each morning and then think about next steps when I get back. 

 

 

[Fifree]

Day 9 on 7 mg and nothing to report which is really very good.

 

My lil doggie has recovered from her recent trip to the vet. She had some teeth out and they put her on antibiotics. Turned out the antibiotics were what was making her sick. She's back to her crazy self again now. Yay. So that's off my mind. My daughter's work is still stressful, but that is her row to hoe and I have to learn to let it go... I need to find the middle way between my own parents' "sucks to be you" style parenting and trying to solve every problem my children encounter in their adult lives. 

 

I think maybe these smaller cuts are the way to go. Brassmonkey slide is where it's at I think rather than the "cut n suffer" named by @j1290. I mean cut n suffer has its appeal because you make bigger cuts and feel like you're making more progress, but days 9-20 are so very unpleasant for me that I'm starting to not want to taper at all. And I know I don't even have it bad compared with what many others go though.

 

At any rate, I'm staying put on 7 mg until after my trip to FNQ - Great Barrier Reef, Daintree Forest etc. I haven't had a trip away in ages so I do not want to stuff it up under any circumstances. I'm feeling fine atm so bring it on.

 

Sometimes I look at the SERT charts and remember that 7 mg is still a massive dose of Lexapro in terms of the real estate it takes up in my brain. Still occupying 76% of my transporters... I started at 30 mg which fills 88% of the transporters. So my dose may be massively smaller (less than a 1/4 of where I started) but in terms of impact, I have barely begun the work.  Only around 14% of the way through... Stupid maths.

 

Sigh. I think the solution is not to look at the charts and just take it one cut at a time.

 

 

[Mamgu]

Hi Firfree - I just wanted to say well done!  You've a lot going on yet you're remaining pragmatic and positive, two things, I strongly believe, that are essential to a successful taper 🙂

 

I can almost hear myself when reading your thoughts on taking things slower via the Brass Monkey method v's the "cut and suffer" approach.  I'm finding it much easier to take the cautious route and am convinced this has impacted my mental health in a positive way.  I have fewer days when I think I should just pack it all in, in fact those thoughts come in flashes now rather than lingering about poking and prodding and generally jumping up and down for attention.  Focussing on the amount of work to do helps us understand what's ahead but can also freak us out, I tend not to look at the SERT charts for that reason, but I think it helps us understand why it's so tough at the lower doses.

 

Parenting is never easy is it!  We feel our children's pain and turmoil but have to equip them with the coping skills needed to navigate life.  Your daughter will be stronger as she works through her concerns, and you can be the sagacious and caring mum she sounds off too, love it!  That said, my sons are in their thirties and I still feel their pain when things go wrong for them, as I say parenting is never easy 😆.

 

Hope you have an amazing trip away; and also, yay for healthy bonkers dogs 😍