Fifree introduction

[littlebird]

19 hours ago, Fifree said:

Oh yeah? You mean for example like when you're the 5th child and everyone treats you like you're insignificant and not important enough to be treated as an individual? And then your therapist can't remember what you've discussed because she "talks to a lot of people". Damn she's good! That is triggering!

The way sometimes therapists/doctors can acknowledge the trauma then fully thoughtlessly reenact it is truly wild. 

 

19 hours ago, Fifree said:

It would be ironically funny if it weren't so awful. 

I've had that thought lately! Seeking help for the cPTSD making the cPTSD worse is something I know well. Sorry you're going through this!

 

7 hours ago, Thorin said:

19 hours ago, Fifree said:

Any suggestions for a side-hustle welcome.

Come and be an environmental consultant. It’s stressful though!

Consulting is a great idea! I've been side hustling as long as I've been old enough to hustle at all, happy to help brainstorm.

 

20 hours ago, Fifree said:

Not sure how a 60 yo who took medical retirement goes about finding a mentally-stimulating job though. 

First of all, for maximum side hustlin' we gotta start with a reframe on how you're talking about yourself! You've got decades of lived experience, including seeing how your industry has changed with time (and thus could be better than most in thinking long term futuristic ways).

 

Also, instead of saying medical retirement, you could say you pivoted to focus on wellness. Anyone with better corporate-speak than I have a better term? I bet you have some thoughts about how things could be made to be more sustainable to prevent burnout after taking some space! Consulting might be just the thing. Not sure what industry you're in, but don't discount yourself just cause we live in an ageist society. Could be you're ready for a fabulous new chapter!

[Fifree]

11 hours ago, Thorin said:

Are you going to do something or sit with it and see if the feeling hangs around?

I’m going to see if it hangs around and also take @littlebird’s advice and reframe my retirement in terms of a « pivot to wellness ». I love that.  
 

I had no idea what to do with yesterday’s weird energy so ended up staying in my jamies all day. Read a lot about all the many different therapies we discussed on Tuesday and did my schéma questionnaire. I browsed jobs online and promptly came up with excuses not to apply for all the suitable ones.  
 

I’m gonna have a better day today starting with some gratitude (thanks for the reminder LB).

 

• I’m truly grateful for the support which comes here regardless of whether I’m cheerfully saying my taper is going brilliantly or I’m ranting irritably about crappy therapists or not getting my favourite yoga teacher
• I’m grateful for my wonderful yoga teacher and that I have a class this morning and that I have the time and resources to go
• I’m grateful for my taper - despite the ups and downs, the mood swings and the weird physical symptoms, I’ve learned so much in the last six months emeeting people on here. I’m at 6mg now down from 30. Because of the way the ADs work I’m probably only 20% of the way through, but there’s still lots more to learn. It will pass
• I’m grateful for glorious winter weather we have in my part of the world. Its 11 degrees c right now and it’s gonna be 21 and sunny today. 26 expected on Sunday. How good is that? Flowers are blooming, birds are singing (squawking, cawing, screeching). I love this time of year. 
• I’m grateful my little dog has made a full recovery from her recent trip to the vet. Her mouth is all healed up and she’s completely crazy and fun again and eating everything in sight just like she used to 🐶. 

 

Right.  Gotta get ready for yoga. 🙏 ommmmmmmmmm

[Fifree]

Day 26

 

Still hanging in there. Not good, not terrible. I think I'm going to have a bit of hold because I can just feel niggles of depression sneaking in which I do not like at all. It's a very slippery slope and I need to take some positive action. So I'm going to start with some gratitude.

 

Hmmm

 

• I am grateful that my younger daughter is getting out a bit and enjoying herself. The black dog chases her around too so it's good to see her taking action
• I am grateful that I have a warm safe home
• I'm grateful for my nice computer. I've been playing Sims today
• I'm grateful that uni starts again tomorrow. I have one more subject to do to finish my Diploma in French. It is of no practical use, but it feels good to be on the home stretch
• I'm grateful that I'm relatively fit and conscious that I really need to work to keep it! Perhaps I'll go for a nice forest bathe tomorrow...
• I am grateful that I found an online ACT course offered by Russ Harris at thehappinesstrap.com (Unfortunately I have these niggling reservations about it because it is constantly ON SALE! Allegedly the regular price is $295 but you can get it NOW for only $95! In searching for reviews of it online I have come across many many people excitedly saying that it's on sale right now so they'd better get in quick. This leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Doesn't mean the course isn't good, but dodgy marketing tactics do not fill me with confidence)

 

That's it for now. I know I am a very fortunate person. I'll do some more tomorrow.

 

 

[Fifree]

Day 27

 

I treated myself to a 1/4 of a Restavit (doxylamine) last night and woke up feeling a lot better this morning. I'm really curious about the role of anti/histamines in this whole tapering circus. I feel like exercising self-compassion this morning rather than whipping myself into shape. It may not look any different on the outside, but it sure does feel different on the inside. I only use the doxylamine once in a while - usually when I am suffering from the inexplicable itching that tapering sometimes brings, but it does me a power of good. It's nice to know it's there in case of emergency. Going to keep up the gratitude too.

 

I'm grateful that/for

💊    you can get doxylamine over the counter (In fact you can buy it on amazon. Legally this seems a bit dodgy to me because pharmaceutical laws in Au are super strict and I don't know how they're getting away with it). 

👩🏽‍🦱    my daughter came home safe and well last night and in a good mood

😴    my daughter will sleep late today so I can get on with my uni homework in peace

🦜    when I was wandering about in the front garden this morning a couple of sulphur-crested cockatoos and a flock of rainbow lorikeets flew over

🌳    I have a front garden to wander about it in the mornings

🪓    the nearby tree-loppers who fired up their chainsaws at 7 am and woke me up. If not for them I may have slept the whole of this beautiful morning away.

 

Have a beautiful day and try to remember you're healing

[Fifree]

Day 28 on 6 mg and I think the ship is steadying. Tomorrow is gonna be my first Day 29 rather than a Day 1. I've decided to give it another week and see how I am going then. I have a strange obsession with round numbers and seem to want things to be multiples of 4 weeks or a week. I'd also prefer to be reducing by whole milligrams, but I'm getting down to the business end now so that is no longer feasible.  So in a way that's a cause for celebration.

 

I've felt very frustrated by this latest hiccup and wanting to make the whole process be over sooner. I started reading about CT - I thought maybe it's better to have 3 months of intense horribleness than this mild-medium horribleness drawn out over 3-4 years. (And 3 months is just a figure plucked out of the air - I know I have no way of actually knowing what would happen). I just don't know how long friends and family will buy this "I'm tapering antidepressants" story when I'm grouchy/rude/weepy/giggling like a loon/isolating, given that it's going to go on for years. It's not meant to be this hard to come off ADs right? Sometimes I fear I'm going to have to start my life over again once I get off them...

 

I think the gratitude practice is doing me good so...

 

I'm grateful that/for:

 

🧘🏽‍♀️    I had a make-up yoga class today for the class I missed when I was in too much of a rage to even attend yoga. Yoga is (almost) always a treat

🥨    I can do yoga. I am no pretzel, but I do ok in the strength and flexibility department

🫖    rooibos tea. I love to drink tea but the caffeine in regular black or green tea doesn't agree with me since I began my taper. I can drink all the rooibos I like. I'm sure it must have some magical curative powers as well. I chose to believe that

📚    I managed to get my study done before my first online French tutorial today. It was a struggle to make myself sit down and do it, but I did it

🎓    online university. It's great to be able to do this study in my own time from the comfort of home

🏃🏽‍♀️    my good health. I know that I am going to get through this - however long it takes.

 

All the best

[Fifree]

Day 34 and feeling a lot better. I get small waves of depression/ anxiety, but nothing too severe or long lasting. I'm doing my best to just roll with it - accept the feelings, commit to helpful action...

 

So I got The Happiness Trap out of the library and am working my way through that. I found the worksheets online and am trying to apply it to real life.

 

Against my better judgement, I went back to the "therapist" today. I'd filled in a questionnaire for schema therapy and I thought that might be useful to follow up on. But it was the same as ever. She was late. She couldn't remember if I'd given her the questionnaire before. She asked me my surname. Today I (calmly) called her out on it and questioned her professionalism. She told me she had a lot going on and that she had challenges with remembering names due to her ADHD but she chose to "treat herself with self-compassion". I suggested maybe she take notes and at least humour her clients. 

 

I walked out today. It was a mistake to go back. A colossal waste of time, money and optimism.

 

Anyway, I will continue with the book. At least it is coherent.

 

And some gratitude:

📚    I'm grateful I can get access to wonderful free resources online through my local library

🏆    I'm grateful I was able to call this person out today calmly and without losing my sh1t. That has to be progress

🤩    I'm grateful that I'm getting better at recognising my feelings and and learning to live with them or act on them as appropriate

👨‍👧‍👧    I'm grateful that both my kids are happy and healthy at the moment

💊    I'm grateful that the worst of this most recent cut seems to have abated. Not sure when I'll start up again. I really want to have a holiday at 5 mg but that seems a long way away right now

💗    I'm grateful that my kids are turning into lovely adults

🔥    I'm grateful for my cosy study. I've spent most of the day in here with the heater roaring away. The maximum temp today was 19 C (66F) today. Brrrrr. We're pretty soft in my part of the world 🥶😂

 

Go well

[Thorin]

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

Day 34 and feeling a lot better. I get small waves of depression/ anxiety, but nothing too severe or long lasting. I'm doing my best to just roll with it - accept the feelings, commit to helpful action...

 

So I got The Happiness Trap out of the library and am working my way through that. I found the worksheets online and am trying to apply it to real life.

 

Against my better judgement, I went back to the "therapist" today. I'd filled in a questionnaire for schema therapy and I thought that might be useful to follow up on. But it was the same as ever. She was late. She couldn't remember if I'd given her the questionnaire before. She asked me my surname. Today I (calmly) called her out on it and questioned her professionalism. She told me she had a lot going on and that she had challenges with remembering names due to her ADHD but she chose to "treat herself with self-compassion". I suggested maybe she take notes and at least humour her clients. 

 

I walked out today. It was a mistake to go back. A colossal waste of time, money and optimism.

 

Anyway, I will continue with the book. At least it is coherent.

 

And some gratitude:

📚    I'm grateful I can get access to wonderful free resources online through my local library

🏆    I'm grateful I was able to call this person out today calmly and without losing my sh1t. That has to be progress

🤩    I'm grateful that I'm getting better at recognising my feelings and and learning to live with them or act on them as appropriate

👨‍👧‍👧    I'm grateful that both my kids are happy and healthy at the moment

💊    I'm grateful that the worst of this most recent cut seems to have abated. Not sure when I'll start up again. I really want to have a holiday at 5 mg but that seems a long way away right now

💗    I'm grateful that my kids are turning into lovely adults

🔥    I'm grateful for my cosy study. I've spent most of the day in here with the heater roaring away. The maximum temp today was 19 C (66F) today. Brrrrr. We're pretty soft in my part of the world 🥶😂

 

Go well

Man I’m sorry for your experience with the therapist but you did well to stand your ground and leave. Thanks for the gratitude list but I have no compassion for 19 degrees. I dream of a balmy 19 degrees 😂😬☀️

[Fifree]

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

I’m sorry for your experience with the therapist but you did well to stand your ground and leave.

Thanks Thorin. It's such a strange position to be in... Someone on here said you know it's time to change therapists when you have more insight than they do.  So true

 

2 hours ago, Thorin said:

I dream of a balmy 19 degrees 😂😬☀️

Our houses up here are somehow designed to be colder inside than it is outside. The weather is lovely here though it's true.  Especially if you get out in the sun.

Hope it's not too cold down south Thorin.

Oof I just checked your weather. Sorry to complain 🤐

 

[Momiki]

Great job telling your therapist that! The fact that she has ADHD is no excuse for her to not do her job properly.

 

Great to hear you are feeling much better!

[RachelSusan]

@Fifree I don't think I introduced myself before so I will do so now. My name is Rachel and I have been following your posts.

 

You experience with the therapist was awful and I am sorry you went through that.  A little story is in order here.  My sister started with a therapist during the covid pandemic so it was on zoom. During her session she watched the therapist eat a burrito on camera and heard the munching sounds. She also watched her apply lipstick so many times she started to feel that she knew every contour of the therapist's face. The therapist was using the window/screen on her side where she could see herself to apply her makeup but on my sister's screen it was an enormous close up.  She didn't stay with her very long. 

 

I'm happy to read you are feeling a little better.

 

 

[littlebird]

12 hours ago, Fifree said:

She was late. She couldn't remember if I'd given her the questionnaire before. She asked me my surname.

..... I'm so mystified by this woman. I'd be lowkey livid tbh

 

12 hours ago, Fifree said:

She told me she had a lot going on and that she had challenges with remembering names due to her ADHD but she chose to "treat herself with self-compassion"

I'm all for self-compassion, but sure seems like it would pair best with some strategies to manage the job better. 

 

13 hours ago, Fifree said:

🏆    I'm grateful I was able to call this person out today calmly and without losing my sh1t. That has to be progress

Me toooooo! I'm so impressed, and glad you walked out. Well done, you!

[j1290]

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

I walked out today. It was a mistake to go back. A colossal waste of time, money and optimism.

You can't leave yet.  You haven't done your exit session!!!1!1!  🤣🤪🙃  The idea of filling out yet another questionaire only to have it unread or disregarded would give me some feelings.  Good on you for holding your composure.  

 

I've had many a therapist.  The only one I've kept is the one who takes copious notes and actually reads them before the session.  

[Catina7]

8 hours ago, Fifree said:

Someone on here said you know it's time to change therapists when you have more insight than they do

 

LOL, that was me...it's so true!  And our rights as a patient include being able to choose a therapist who is a good fit for us.  We tend to forget that we as patients have rights too!

[Thorin]

11 hours ago, Fifree said:

Thanks Thorin. It's such a strange position to be in... Someone on here said you know it's time to change therapists when you have more insight than they do.  So true

I’m ok with anyone having any condition or disability. It’s not their fault. But sometimes you need to self reflect and ask yourself if you’re suited to you position. It’s ok if you can’t do the job but don’t keep doing it if you’re not capable of doing it well enough.

 

and yes it’s damn cold down here but I’m still having my daily cold showers!

[littlebird]

5 minutes ago, Thorin said:

I’m ok with anyone having any condition or disability. It’s not their fault. But sometimes you need to self reflect and ask yourself if you’re suited to you position. It’s ok if you can’t do the job but don’t keep doing it if you’re not capable of doing it well enough.

Especially when the mental health of the people you work with is at stake! Glad you spoke your truth then walked, Fifree.

[Fifree]

Thanks so much for the support @Momiki @Thorin @littlebird @RachelSusan @Catina7 and @j1290. I felt kind of yuk afterwards, but I've managed to put all that behind me now too. I realised that I felt like I was going to be punished for calling someone out like that. That doesn't say good things about my psyche but the fact that I recognised it is obvs good progress ☺️ I told my inner cowering wreck that it was BS and everything was fine. 

 

 Thanks for sharing your stories re therapists. Some made me chuckle, and some made me mad and some make me go "yeah!" I guess I just have to keep looking and remembering that I am worth the effort  .

 

 

[RachelSusan]

@Fifree Sometimes we can go years without finding a therapist that is a good fit for us. However when we do find that right person a lot of good healing work can be accomplished. I hope that you find that right person for you, if you still need them. If you feel like you would rather not look for a while that is understandable as well. Having the experience you did can be quite traumatic. You did good and I hope you can take a moment to think about the fact that you stood up for yourself and can be proud of yourself.

[Fifree]

Day 38 on 6 mg and feeling pretty ok. No longer filled with rage which is very very nice. I went back to the psych today. He cannot get his head around:

1. how slowly I'm tapering
2. that it takes 10-14 days for the symptoms to kick in.
3. that my symptoms interfere with my life.

What can I say? That's how it is. He is concerned the reason I'm having troubles is because I need the Lexapro "on board". I don't think he's a bad guy, but he just doesn't get it. He suggested that I should go faster - cut every week instead of waiting a month in between cuts. He thought that might help me past the 14 day bumpiness. I have no idea why he thinks that would help... My hunch is that it would all pile up into a massive crash, but what do I know? (Apparently plenty of people jump off at 5 mg with no problems).  I really wish that BBC documentary was available here so I could refer him to it. 

 

As many on here have said, I have to just treat him like my drug dealer. As long as he writes the scripts all will be well. I'm told him I'm planning to have a little holiday from tapering once I get to 5 mg and he obligingly wrote me a script. 

 

Anyway, I'm gonna take it easy for a bit. I'm fairly content sitting on my 6 mg for a while. Once I feel 100% I'll creep down to 5 and then have a good long hold. I am no longer in a hurry. I want to get back to that happy place where I didn't even think about it. Because I'm no longer working, I don't have the structure in my life to keep me moving forward. I have to be a self-starter and tapering is so disruptive that I'm just not getting on with getting things in place. 

 

So that's what I think today. It may well change tomorrow.

 

Gratitude:

 

 🕊️          I'm grateful for my peaceful life

👨🏻‍⚕️          I'm grateful that I have a compliant psychiatrist to write my scripts

😩          I'm grateful that my WDs are not worse. I know there are plenty of people worse off than I am and my heart goes out to you

💊          I'm grateful that the sense of urgency to get off Lex has evaporated for the time being. Getting off faster is not worth ruining your life over. I hope to come back to it with renewed enthusiasm in a few months

🧑🏻‍🤝‍🧑Once again, I'm grateful for this community. Coming off the experience with my psych today, I am struck by how isolating it would be to do this taper alone. This is the only place I don't feel crazy!

🍛          I'm grateful for leftovers and not having to cook

 

 

Hope everyone's tapers go to plan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Momiki]

Hi Fiftree,

 

Someone posted a new link of an upload of the BBC documentary: https://rumble.com/v2wlt7g-the-antidepressant-story-bbc-panorama-documentary.html

It's unknown how long it will remain accessible. I've downloaded de documentary myself, I could send it to you through something like WeTransfer.

 

Would your psych be open to reading scientific literature? Perhaps the article written by Altostrata (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7970174/ ) and/or the one from Mark Horowitz (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0924977X21007720?via%3Dihub ) would be good ones.

[Fifree]

19 minutes ago, Momiki said:

Someone posted a new link of an upload of the BBC documentary: https://rumble.com/v2wlt7g-the-antidepressant-story-bbc-panorama-documentary.html

It's unknown how long it will remain accessible. I've downloaded de documentary myself, I could send it to you through something like WeTransfer.

Thank you so much Momiki! I'll watch it right now before it expires.

 

Hey @Thorin and @Carmie just wanted to let you now that Momiki has kindly shared a link to the BBC doco that works - but we don't know for how long.

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

Thank you so much Momiki! I'll watch it right now before it expires.

 

Hey @Thorin and @Carmie just wanted to let you now that Momiki has kindly shared a link to the BBC doco that works - but we don't know for how long.

Fifree and @Momiki thank you so much for sharing that. It was very informative. Wish I could share it with my Dr and psychiatrist.

[Momiki]

No problem. Glad I could contribute something.

 

I just watched a YouTube video from Mark Horowitz, and I actually liked it more than the BBC documentary. I don't think it will be taken down, as there are no copyright issues, so this one could be shared with health care professionals:

 

 

[Thorin]

1 hour ago, Momiki said:

No problem. Glad I could contribute something.

 

I just watched a YouTube video from Mark Horowitz, and I actually liked it more than the BBC documentary. I don't think it will be taken down, as there are no copyright issues, so this one could be shared with health care professionals:

 

 

Thanks Momiki! That was excellent!

[Fifree]

Day 1 - 5.8 mg

 

After an extra long hold of 6 weeks, I have worked up the courage to get back on the tapering horse. I'm going with a leeetle cut of 3.3% this time and will see how I feel next week... I've decided that "cut and suffer" is no longer for me - especially as everyone around me has to suffer as well cos I'm so damn cranky when it catches up with me. I'l stumble my way down to 5 mg and then hold there for a while. I'm looking forward to the simplicity of just taking a tablet in the morning again and not fiddling around with drops and vials for a while. I'm feeling very fatigued by the whole thing and there is no particular urgency for me to get off.

 

Today I'm grateful that:

 

🏙️    I got myself out of the house and into the city early! I love being at home and all but it was lovely to go to the city today - planning more visits to art galleries etc too

📚    I found the quiet study areas in the state library today. I'm planning to go there to do my French study in future as I get too distracted at home. It's wonderful and quiet and peaceful and yet busy cos there're loads of other people studying in there too

 🖥️    My Photoshop class started - looks like it will be fun. I was so excited to be back in a computer lab. Plus I'm really hoping to reawaken some creativity with this photoshop stuff. I used to always be into making things but my hands are slowly getting ruined by arthritis which makes that hard. Photoshop may be the answer. Plus it doesn't take up space or make a mess 

🏡    I could just go back home again when I'd had enough of the big smoke. By 2:30 I wanted out, and it was nice to just go and get on the bus and not have to go back to my desk and slave away until 5:30 or 6 as I did in the days of being gainfully employed

🖥️    I'm good at computer stuff. Feeling optimistic about learning something new and technical.

 

Hmmm after doing my gratitude list I started wondering if it's Lexapro that killed my creativity...  Maybe that will be my inspiration to resume the taper in the future. Either way, I'll build my technical skills and see if the creativity emerges in time.

 

[Momiki]

Yay for computer stuff! Nice to hear you found something that gets you excited.

 

Regarding switching back to tablet at 5 mg... I don't know if it's the case for you, but with my meds you need to take into account that liquid citalopram is more readily absorbed than a tablet. With the liquid one drop contains 2 mg, but 4 drops (8 mg) has the same effect as 10 mg tablet. My GP didn't take this into account when I switched from tablet to liquid, I read about this in the information leaflet that came with the meds a while later.

[Fifree]

3 minutes ago, Momiki said:

liquid citalopram is more readily absorbed than a tablet

Thanks very much for this tip Momiki. I checked and rechecked this over and over again when I switched over to the liquid. As I understand it, that doesn't apply to escitalopram - I even read the leaflet which is most out of character for me!

 

You need a degree in biochemistry to do these tapers safely.

[littlebird]

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

planning more visits to art galleries etc too

Oooh, that's a great idea. I need to take advantage of city living more and check some out! 

 

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

I could just go back home again when I'd had enough of the big smoke.

.... is this a term I don't know, or are y'all also having wildfire smoke? 

 

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

My Photoshop class started - looks like it will be fun. I was so excited to be back in a computer lab. Plus I'm really hoping to reawaken some creativity with this photoshop stuff.

FUN! Ooh I hope you enjoy it. You may enjoy Procreate too. Someone gave me their old apple pencil when they upgraded, and I had a lot of fun watching youtube tutorials and playing with learning more about digital art.

 

4 hours ago, Fifree said:

Hmmm after doing my gratitude list I started wondering if it's Lexapro that killed my creativity...

I've been thinking the same thing about ADs. I don't go in for conspiracy theories much, buuuuuuut it sure does seem like the ruling class said, "So we have pills that make people less connected to their fellow man, more accepting of what is even if it's actively harmful, too numbed out to make art that could potentially change hearts and minds...... AND we get to charge them for it??" *laughs in evil elite*

[Fifree]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

is this a term I don't know, or are y'all also having wildfire smoke?

Lol. No this just means big city. My city is neither smokey nor particularly big. I just like funny old-timey slang 😂  From what I websearched, it used to refer to London which was a notoriously smokey disgusting place back in the day. I guess you could see it on the horizon… 

 

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

So we have pills that make people less connected to their fellow man, more accepting of what is even if it's actively harmful, too numbed out to make art that could potentially change hearts and minds...... AND we get to charge them for it??"

Yes it’s a worry isn’t it? I don’t go in for conspiracy theories much either…. Usually…🤔

 

[Fifree]

I thought I'd do an update on my sliiiiide. It's going well so far.

 

I cut to 5.8 on 10/7, 5.6 on 17/7 and 5.4 on 24/7 for a total of 0.6 mg ie 10%. Neat huh?  It's been issue-free so far. Tiny glimmers of irritability or sadness but nothing I can't just shake off as soon as I recognise it as a symptom. Gonna chill here for an extra week and let it catch up with me.

 

My current dosing method is that I have a bottle of full-strength Lex (1 drop = 1 mg) and a bottle of 1/10 strength that I made (1 drop = 0.1 mg). So each morning, I take 5 drops from the full-strength bottle and n drops from the other bottle. Seems the easiest method so far, for me anyway. Once I have to face down another decimal place I'm not sure what I'll do. That's a problem for future Fifree. 

 

Next month I plan to knock off the other 0.4 (5.3, 5.2, 5.1, 5) over 4 weeks and then have a holiday at 5 mg for a while. I can't wait. I'm tired of pills n potions and faffing about. I'm unaware of significant side effects for me from the meds so there's no rush to get off. I do feel different on the lower dose in a good way. I actually feel more strong somehow, more decisive and less sentimental. I'm still not very decisive or strong but I don't feel completely paralysed anymore... y'know? I'm thrilled to be on a much lower dose of the ssri. There is still a very long way to go from 5 mg though. 

 

Haven't done my gratitude for a while and it is always good for me. So, I'm grateful that:

🏡     a situation that's been causing me background stress for quite some time has now been resolved and I feel much more relaxed

😵‍💫     it seems I have not destabilised my CNS so far. I'm fortunate to have found this site when I first ran into trouble back in January and it stopped me doing anything stupid. I've learned so much since then

📚     I have a bunch of new friends coming over tomorrow for "book club". Mostly we sit around eating and chatting and then after a couple of hours each of us talks for about 5 mins about a book we've read recently. It's the lowest-pressure book club ever (apart from me trying to get my house in a presentable state)

🖥️     online university - I'm really enjoying this subject I'm doing atm and it's so good being able to attend tutorials remotely. And my French is coming along

🤞🏻     my children seem to be going well - it's always a wild ride but all seems well atm

🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♂️ I saw my brother during the week and he was nice to me! A lot of my emotional baggage was put on my back by this brother. There is hope for resolution

🏖️     I'm planning a holiday to Thailand! Ok I haven't booked it yet, but I'm very close. I'm excited and terrified. Once I press that "pay now" button I will fly into a frenzy of organising. The long hold I am planning will be good for this too.

 

Wishing you all windows. 

[littlebird]

11 hours ago, Fifree said:

I'm planning a holiday to Thailand! Ok I haven't booked it yet, but I'm very close. I'm excited and terrified. Once I press that "pay now" button I will fly into a frenzy of organising. The long hold I am planning will be good for this too.

Oh my gosh this sounds amazing!!!! 🤩 

[j1290]

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

I cut to 5.8 on 10/7, 5.6 on 17/7 and 5.4 on 24/7 for a total of 0.6 mg ie 10%. Neat huh?

Slick!

 

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

It's been issue-free so far.

Amazing!!!  That's living the dream!!

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

So each morning, I take 5 drops from the full-strength bottle and n drops from the other bottle.

Brilliant.  I never would have thought of that.  

14 hours ago, Fifree said:

 I'm planning a holiday to Thailand! Ok I haven't booked it yet, but I'm very close. I'm excited and terrified.

haha I get the same way.  It's going to be incredible, super happy for you and it sounds like things are coming up roses all the way around!

[Mamgu]

On 7/29/2023 at 8:43 AM, Fifree said:

Next month I plan to knock off the other 0.4 (5.3, 5.2, 5.1, 5) over 4 weeks and then have a holiday at 5 mg for a while. I can't wait. I'm tired of pills n potions and faffing about. I'm unaware of significant side effects for me from the meds so there's no rush to get off.

 

I love this!  'Have a holiday' is sooo positive, much better than 'having to hold' which is loaded with negativity and frustration.  The latter being my kind of language so I'm going to steal yours instead 🙂

x

[Fifree]

14 hours ago, Mamgu said:

Have a holiday' is sooo positive

Aw thanks Mamgu. Somewhere along the way I’ve really come around to the idea that it really doesn’t matter how long it takes to get off the stuff. If I can possibly avoid it, I want to not ruin my life in the process. I know I am fortunate that I’ve not had major adverse side effects from Lex, so it’s fine for me to take my time.  The irritability I’ve experienced during some of my cuts however is intolerable to me. I want to get back to a rock solid base before I continue. No WD normal for me. I just want normal. 

[littlebird]

1 hour ago, Fifree said:

The irritability I’ve experienced during some of my cuts however is intolerable to me.

Ooh I feel you on this one! Depression I can handle (hello darkness, my old friend), but it's so unpleasant to feel feisty and angry. Maybe we need to take up boxing or something to get it out safely? Not really sure what to do with the feeling when it arises other than grumble quietly to myself and occasionally throw a Tiny Tantrum™ where my inner child gets to stomp their feet a lil.

[Fifree]

5 hours ago, littlebird said:

hello darkness, my old friend

This is true for me too.. It's strange. It's so damn familiar it can almost feel good and I want to just wallow in it. Clearly I still have a lot of work to do on myself!

But I definitely need to find something to use the anxiety and irritability on. I'm channelling some of it into decluttering which is good. When I feel cranky I can throw stuff out much more easily. Who needs this old piece of **** anyway?  What was [insert name of loved one] even thinking of when they bought me this? So there's that lol.

But it's almost unmanageable in social situations. I'm trying to build my self a nice new post-retirement life and social circles. Sneering and rolling at just about everything is not the way to make friends. 

[littlebird]

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

I'm channelling some of it into decluttering which is good. When I feel cranky I can throw stuff out much more easily.

Ooh, this is such a great idea! Gonna try this one when I'm feeling grumps.

 

2 hours ago, Fifree said:

Sneering and rolling at just about everything is not the way to make friends. 

But the occasional ****-talk with someone who feels the same way can be bonding! 😂 It's such a relief when someone says something cross and I can go, "OMG, that was bothering me too!!"