Sadie: It gets better

[Sadie]

Hi all,

 

I have been meaning to update here for some time now. I was thinking recently about my very early cold-turkey withdrawal and how I would read and re-read recovery stories or hunt for sun symbols within member's journals for hours because I was so desperate for any accounts of improvement and healing. I hope this gives people who are having a very difficult time a bit of hope.

 

I stopped Paroxetine cold-turkey while on holiday in Rome in 2015 - I was feeling fatigued all of the time, having long naps everyday. I felt my emotional responses were blunted but I also had a strange edgy feeling much of the time - something felt 'off' and I had a sense it was the tablets so I naively just stopped taking them. About five days or so later withdrawal symptoms set in and I was very unwell, I ended up in A&E with heart irregularities.  Predictably I was prescribed more medications (including diazepam) and I think people around me assumed I was having some kind of breakdown and the symptoms with my heart were the result of panic attacks.

 

I felt conflicted because what I was experiencing - the combination of physical and mental symptoms were so bizarre and far reaching. So I started researching and found myself here - thank goodness for this forum and for the hard work Alto and the moderators put into it. It was such a lifeline. But coming to understand the phenomenon of withdrawal, the uncertainty of a recovery time frame and how dismissive health professionals are was devastating. 

 

I spent a great deal of wasted time trying to figure out a way to 'fix it'. I went to see Dr David Healy in Wales and his main advice was to exercise - which I did do and I found it helped me but I know that isn't the case for everyone. I experienced depersonalisation, an impact on my ability to sleep, neuro emotions, intrusive thoughts, physical jerks. heart irregularities, weight loss, issues with my skin and severe brain fog/memory issues. The early part of my withdrawal is somewhat haunting and blurry at the same time, it was incredibly difficult and I felt a need to contain everything because I was so worried people thought I was coconuts. I had graduated from uni a year previously and was having a break because I had been battling with anorexia for years and wanted to focus on overcoming that, so I didn't have a job to get to, I didn't have children to look after. Hats off to anyone who has to navigate these things in the throes of withdrawal. 

 

I spent a lot of time reading. It had always been something I retreated to and my mind would race and I would keep forgetting what I had read but I would just keep returning to it, it was almost like a meditative practice. I also tried to do crosswords and codebreakers and exercised, I spent a lot of time with my parent's dogs. Withdrawal pulled me out of my eating disorder. I was already underweight and lost more and  more to the point where people stared at me when I went out. Having these symptoms thrust upon me made starving myself seem so ridiculous. 

 

Over time symptoms peeled away, withdrawal felt less and less like an enormous shadow looming over me. I had and still have some anxiety about how  I am not the same post-withdrawal in various ways and I am not as capable etc etc. I still struggle with brain fog at times and I still have memory issues which at times can be incredibly frustrating and embarrassing. But the whole experience demanded strength and perseverance and patience and it's given me such a sense of resilience.

 

So trust that it gets better, much better. I am hopeful my remaining issues will eventually improve. Hang in there. 

 

Sadie. 

 

 

[getofflex]

Link to Sadie's Intro thread:  Sadie: Seeking Paxil CT Advice

 

Hello Sadie, congratulations for getting off your psychiatric meds!  You are an inspiration to all of us here, and your success story will give hope to a lot of suffering people in the future.  Please do keep us up to date on how you are doing.  Keep up the good work!  

Edited June 27, 2023 by getofflex

[Catina7]

@Sadie Thank you for sharing your experience.  I found it very encouraging!  🥰

[Kimboslice]

Hi @Sadie.. Glad your doing better.  It offers so much hope to us protracted people.

 

just a few questions I’d like to ask if I may ☺️
 

At what point during your recovery timeframe would you say significant improvement had manifested? Was your healing at all linear.. did it follow the typical window and wave pattern?  Did you have to deal with any social/ speech struggles or an inability to withstand stimulation? did you experience any significant setbacks at all over that time? and have you been able to get back to work? 

 

thanks 🙏 

[Phoenixmama]

Thank you for coming back and sharing your success story 

[Nypeaches89]

Hi Sadie, thanks for your recovery update ! I see your wd started in 2015 or 2016, did you only start feeling healed now in 2023? 

[Sadie]

On 7/5/2023 at 8:26 PM, Nypeaches89 said:

Hi Sadie, thanks for your recovery update ! I see your wd started in 2015 or 2016, did you only start feeling healed now in 2023? 

No it's not just recently that I have felt better. The very worst of the cold turkey withdrawal passed after 2/3 years - so the depersonalisation, intrusive thoughts, overwhelming sense of panic, inability to sleep and worrying heart symptoms etc. Around 2018 I was feeling like that difficult time had passed but I was still left with neuro emotions, disturbed sleep, brain fog and the like but it was nothing like the beginning of withdrawal. 

 

Then I fell pregnant and I think the pregnancy and subsequent sleep deprivation of a newborn slowed my recovery probably - but still it was all manageable. So I felt the healing was happening long before now, even with symptoms that persisted because it wasn't everything all at once or as intense. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[peaceandlove]

Hey congratulations on healing & thank you for coming back to share your story.

 

my question is did you ever have to take an antibiotic at all during withdrawal? If so, did it set you back at all or any chemical sensitivity to smells ??

 

& also are you able to take supplements/vitamins now with no problem?

[Sadie]

On 6/27/2023 at 5:11 PM, Kimboslice said:

Hi @Sadie.. Glad your doing better.  It offers so much hope to us protracted people.

 

just a few questions I’d like to ask if I may ☺️
 

At what point during your recovery timeframe would you say significant improvement had manifested? Was your healing at all linear.. did it follow the typical window and wave pattern?  Did you have to deal with any social/ speech struggles or an inability to withstand stimulation? did you experience any significant setbacks at all over that time? and have you been able to get back to work? 

 

thanks 🙏 

 

On 6/27/2023 at 5:11 PM, Kimboslice said:

Hi @Sadie.. Glad your doing better.  It offers so much hope to us protracted people.

 

just a few questions I’d like to ask if I may ☺️
 

At what point during your recovery timeframe would you say significant improvement had manifested? Was your healing at all linear.. did it follow the typical window and wave pattern?  Did you have to deal with any social/ speech struggles or an inability to withstand stimulation? did you experience any significant setbacks at all over that time? and have you been able to get back to work? 

 

thanks 🙏

 

Hi there,

 

I never had windows of feeling very well - the contrast of feeling awful and desperate and then completely fine for short bursts like some people describe. I felt like it was a very slow shrinking of symptoms over time. But I do struggle with brain fog and memory issues more intensely at times, that does seem to happen in waves. It's something I am left with along with intertia at times, I find it so frustrating and embarrassing. 

 

I would say significant improvement happened after 2/3 years. I remember before I fell pregnant I was feeling like the worst was behind me and the symptoms I was still having were nothing compared with early cold turkey. 

 

I did used to feel overwhelmed trying to socialise, talking for long stretches and other people talking to me and trying to concentrate. I felt exhausted by it and I would stutter in conversations sporadically. Because of brain fog I still struggle at times to be attentive/focus. I couldn't stand shops, false lighting, crowded places; so yes, stimulating places or scenarios were very hard in the beginning. I felt so so fatigued by everyday things but couldn't sleep properly and would have that awful jumpy feeling where my arms would flex out and my heart would race every time I closed my eyes. It was very tough. 

 

Shortly after I had my son I felt like I had a bit of a setback after taking antibiotics. I resisted and resisted but ended up taking them because of an infection and a complicated birth. In hindsight it may not have been them, it may have just been hormonal but I had intrusive thoughts and images again and felt very on edge for a little while. But it passed. 

 

I haven't been working since having my son. I have been thinking about going back to study and have some reservations based on my ongoing cognition issues, but I can't wait and wait until i feel it's all cleared up, life is too short. I think I just need to take a leap and strategise ways to help myself. 

[Sadie]

6 minutes ago, peaceandlove said:

Hey congratulations on healing & thank you for coming back to share your story.

 

my question is did you ever have to take an antibiotic at all during withdrawal? If so, did it set you back at all

 

& also are you able to take supplements/vitamins now with no problem?

As mentioned in another response here. I do think I may have had a reaction to antibiotics after giving birth. It wasn't prolonged though, it lasted a few weeks at most. 

 

And I take supplements now without any issues. 

[peaceandlove]

2 minutes ago, Sadie said:

As mentioned in another response here. I do think I may have had a reaction to antibiotics after giving birth. It wasn't prolonged though, it lasted a few weeks at most. 

 

And I take supplements now without any issues. 

Thank you! So glad your able to take supplements now & weee able to move on with life & have a baby 🙂

 

lastly we’re you ever sensitive to smells during withdrawal? Like chemical smells, cleaning supplies, bug spray etc 

[Sadie]

Mmmm I don't remember having a particular sensitivity to smells. Although my skin seemed to react to things differently. I would come out in a bumpy itchy rash on my arms and had acne on my face for a time. 

[Doctorsrcrap]

Hi Sadie

Congratulation on your success story. That's fantastic. And congratulations on your little one. 

Can I ask, I know you said you suffered weird heart sensations. Did you have any breathing problems? 

[Sadie]

On 8/10/2023 at 8:48 AM, Doctorsrcrap said:

Hi Sadie

Congratulation on your success story. That's fantastic. And congratulations on your little one. 

Can I ask, I know you said you suffered weird heart sensations. Did you have any breathing problems? 

Yes I do remember feeling short of breath at the beginning of withdrawal but I think it was because of the intense sensations of panic and rushing adrenaline. 0

[Ryder]

Good onya Sadie. I enjoyed that read, keep up the good work. 👍 👍

[peaceandlove]

When you say you exercised, what kind of exercise & how much?

 

I just exercised 3 days in a row, I walked for 30mins each day. But I think I overdid it & ramped up my symptoms 

[SouthernMan]

I am in the gym lifting weights. Not as heavy as I used to. I don't run like i used to, that definitely makes it worse. Sauna seems to make it worse. Cold plunge seems to help for some reason. But, the harder i go symptoms do pop back up for sure. 

[SouthernMan]

 @peaceandloveI think acceptance is key here. Easier said than done for sure. But, that's the only option. 

 

Are you having hours, or days, etc where you feel pretty good? 

[peaceandlove]

38 minutes ago, SouthernMan said:

 @peaceandloveI think acceptance is key here. Easier said than done for sure. But, that's the only option. 

 

Are you having hours, or days, etc where you feel pretty good? 

That’s good you’re in the gym. I use to lift daily & have a gym membership before all this happened. Cold plunge maybe helps cause I know it’s good for the nervous system I know a lot of people take cold showers for anxiety. Yes, I have days where I feel better & that’s when I decided to exercise 3 days in a row 😂 I think we have to remind ourselves just because we’re feeling good we still get over do it.

 

yes you are right acceptance is key but it’s very hard. Acceptance & distraction. @SouthernMan

[Giuly88]

On 6/22/2023 at 10:57 AM, Sadie said:

Hi all,

 

I have been meaning to update here for some time now. I was thinking recently about my very early cold-turkey withdrawal and how I would read and re-read recovery stories or hunt for sun symbols within member's journals for hours because I was so desperate for any accounts of improvement and healing. I hope this gives people who are having a very difficult time a bit of hope.

 

I stopped Paroxetine cold-turkey while on holiday in Rome in 2015 - I was feeling fatigued all of the time, having long naps everyday. I felt my emotional responses were blunted but I also had a strange edgy feeling much of the time - something felt 'off' and I had a sense it was the tablets so I naively just stopped taking them. About five days or so later withdrawal symptoms set in and I was very unwell, I ended up in A&E with heart irregularities.  Predictably I was prescribed more medications (including diazepam) and I think people around me assumed I was having some kind of breakdown and the symptoms with my heart were the result of panic attacks.

 

I felt conflicted because what I was experiencing - the combination of physical and mental symptoms were so bizarre and far reaching. So I started researching and found myself here - thank goodness for this forum and for the hard work Alto and the moderators put into it. It was such a lifeline. But coming to understand the phenomenon of withdrawal, the uncertainty of a recovery time frame and how dismissive health professionals are was devastating. 

 

I spent a great deal of wasted time trying to figure out a way to 'fix it'. I went to see Dr David Healy in Wales and his main advice was to exercise - which I did do and I found it helped me but I know that isn't the case for everyone. I experienced depersonalisation, an impact on my ability to sleep, neuro emotions, intrusive thoughts, physical jerks. heart irregularities, weight loss, issues with my skin and severe brain fog/memory issues. The early part of my withdrawal is somewhat haunting and blurry at the same time, it was incredibly difficult and I felt a need to contain everything because I was so worried people thought I was coconuts. I had graduated from uni a year previously and was having a break because I had been battling with anorexia for years and wanted to focus on overcoming that, so I didn't have a job to get to, I didn't have children to look after. Hats off to anyone who has to navigate these things in the throes of withdrawal. 

 

I spent a lot of time reading. It had always been something I retreated to and my mind would race and I would keep forgetting what I had read but I would just keep returning to it, it was almost like a meditative practice. I also tried to do crosswords and codebreakers and exercised, I spent a lot of time with my parent's dogs. Withdrawal pulled me out of my eating disorder. I was already underweight and lost more and  more to the point where people stared at me when I went out. Having these symptoms thrust upon me made starving myself seem so ridiculous. 

 

Over time symptoms peeled away, withdrawal felt less and less like an enormous shadow looming over me. I had and still have some anxiety about how  I am not the same post-withdrawal in various ways and I am not as capable etc etc. I still struggle with brain fog at times and I still have memory issues which at times can be incredibly frustrating and embarrassing. But the whole experience demanded strength and perseverance and patience and it's given me such a sense of resilience.

 

So trust that it gets better, much better. I am hopeful my remaining issues will eventually improve. Hang in there. 

 

Sadie. 

 

 

Hi Sadie, congratulations on your recovery. A very well done to you for persevering. You certainly had so much strength and tenacity ❤️.

 

Could you describe your jerks. I have torso abdominal jerks and squeezing and has not leg up yet after 10 months. 
 

Thank you 🙏 

 

[Sadie]

On 12/20/2023 at 11:20 AM, Giuly88 said:

Hi Sadie, congratulations on your recovery. A very well done to you for persevering. You certainly had so much strength and tenacity ❤️.

 

Could you describe your jerks. I have torso abdominal jerks and squeezing and has not leg up yet after 10 months. 
 

Thank you 🙏 

 

The jerks were in my arms. As soon as I started to fall asleep they would involuntarily jerk outwards and I would feel a surge of panic. 

 

I hope yours pass very soon. 

[Sadie]

On 11/21/2023 at 9:55 PM, peaceandlove said:

When you say you exercised, what kind of exercise & how much?

 

I just exercised 3 days in a row, I walked for 30mins each day. But I think I overdid it & ramped up my symptoms.

I am sorry it's hard to remember specifics but I think I gradually reintroduced exercise with short runs. Prior to that I would walk my mum's dogs with her. Then I went back to dance cardio things I did pre-withdrawal when I could concentrate better. I got into weight training a bit later. I built it up until I was exercising pretty regularly but not compulsively like I had been. A couple of years ago I did a half marathon and hit a time I was really happy with. At the beginning of withdrawal I couldn't have fathomed doing that. 

 

There were times I felt symptoms increased after activity, but like everything it was hard to get a measure on what was "too much" - because too much on one particular day  would be fine and feel good on another. So I tried to just listen in and if it wasn't feeling okay I would ease off. 

 

 

[Giuly88]

On 3/16/2024 at 9:17 PM, Sadie said:

The jerks were in my arms. As soon as I started to fall asleep they would involuntarily jerk outwards and I would feel a surge of panic. 

 

I hope yours pass very soon. 

Thank you @Sadie for replying back.

 

I have also muscle pain all over and tightness. No sure whether I will heal honestly.