☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[DaddyCee]

 

 

I think I'm at a point where I'm just starting to be able to do more, sometimes, as long as I'm not in a wave, which I am now. I got hit by another one late Thurday.  But as waves go, this is not a terrible one and part of what makes it bad is the disappointment of losing the improvement (again), getting my hopes up and having them crushed over and over as this pattern of recovery keeps dragging me along is wearing me down.

 

I'm running out of energy to look for a 'cause' for this one, as usual, there are several possibilities to choose from, one related to food, one to wasps and then there was the TV panel 'discussion' which got me all riled up.

 

 

 

Hi. Just a thought, but don't try to figure things out just let them be and they will become easier. This is what I have learnt.

[Petunia]

My wave turned into the flu, so I'm pretty miserable right now. Flu misery on top of withdrawal misery and I can't take anything for symptom relief either which makes it worse.

 

This is the first really bad flu I've got since withdrawal started, I thought I was somehow being protected from it.

[LoveandLight]

Sorry Petu..that really is rotten..

[brassmonkey]

Lots of liquids and bed rest. Try and sleep it off.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) {I had my shot this year}

[Skyler]

This is the first really bad flu I've got since withdrawal started, I thought I was somehow being protected from it.

 

I can understand thinking that... one full serving of misery at a time is enough... misery is not supposed to be cumulative!  OUCH

 

Well wishes to you.. hope you recover soon.

[Adagiooo]

I hope you feel better soon Petunia. Sending you healing energy and ((((((((Hugs)))))))).

[servadei]

Petu how are you? I just wanted to say that even though I don't know you seem really nice and caring, you remind me of my mom. I miss her so much. I hope you'll be better soon and that your flu goes away fast.

[Athena]

Hi Petunia,

 

I am sorry about your wave and flu. I have had so many bad colds and flus in the last years, I know combined with WD it,s awful. I hope you feel better very soon.  

 

Healing vibes your way,

 

Athena

[pug]

Petunia,

 

How are things going for you?

[Tilly]

Hi Petunia,

 

I just caught up on your thread. I'm so sorry to hear that you got flu on top of everything. I had a bad bout a few months ago. I empathise. It just adds to any negative thoughts and feelings that we are experiencing at the time. Keep in mind that you can feel lethargic and depleted for a while after flu and be extra gentle with yourself.

 

I hope that you feel better soon.

 

Huge hugs to you xxx

[Tilly]

Thinking of you and hoping these words bring you comfort as they did for me.

 

Tilly x

 

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

[Petunia]

Its been a while since I visited my thread, its lovely to read all your kind and supportive comments, thank you to everyone who has posted here recently. My flu has gone, but unfortunately I'm left with what I believe is bronchitis, I'm using natural remedies to try and reduce the inflammation.

 

Thank you so much Tilly for posting the Desiderata on my thread. When I was about 14, I worked in a shop on the weekends and there was a small poster on the wall with this written. I was fascinated by these ideas, they seemed like wise words to live by, so I learned it by heart.

 

Reading it again now, with what I've been through these last several years, I thought it needed a slight adjustment, so I did a little re-write, here is my version...

 

Desperata (Acute Withdrawal Version)

 

Go reluctantly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace their used to be in silence, before you got tinnitus.

As far as possible without losing your job, home, relationships and everything which is dear to you, limit contact with all persons.

Speak the truth about withdrawal quietly and clearly, even though others will treat you like an idiot, saying you are telling a story.

Avoid loud and aggressive drug pushing doctors of all kinds, they are a danger to your health.

If you compare yourself with others, you will feel depressed and hopeless because right now everyone seems greater than yourself.

Hang onto any positive memory you can find in the dark murky depths of your mind.

If you still have a career, you are lucky, or you just don’t have withdrawal all that bad.

The business world is full of trickery and crooks, you got scammed by the biggest of the bunch…Big Pharma

But try and look on the bright side, there are a handful of heroes in the world who write books and speak up for us in court and sometimes even answer our emails.

Be yourself, even if you don’t know who you are any more, DP/DR sucks and even the grass looks weird, the whole world has become enchanted by a strange curse.

Take kindly any helpful advice you are offered by well meaning friends and family as the days, months and years roll by, gracefully surrendering your desire for them to really understand what you are going through.

Watch helplessly as your spiritual strength dissolves into a puddle at your feet.

Distress and imaginings will take on a life of their own, as will fear, fatigue and loneliness. A wholesome diet may help, gentle walking and let someone else discipline the kids, you’re just too fragile at the moment. 

You are a survivor of psychiatry, less important than the power and wealth accumulated at your expense, you have no rights.

And valid or not, clearly, your diagnosis now defines a universal truth.

However, God will still love you, as will your cat or dog, whatever the outcome.

Therefore find peace in your pets if noise is too much for your sensitive soul, keep confusion to a minimum, your brain needs to rest.

With all its pain, anxiety and sleepless nights, its still a recovery process. Be happy you are still alive, unless of course you have anhedonia, which would make this impossible.

 

© Petunia 2015

[bubble]

Petunia, this is just brilliant!

 

of course

 

Sorry to hear about your bronchitis. I hope it passes soon.

Hugs.

B.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

Desperata (Acute Withdrawal Version)

 

"Best of SA"!

[LoveandLight]

Aww Petu thus is just great and sad..

[oskcajga]

Its been a while since I visited my thread, its lovely to read all your kind and supportive comments, thank you to everyone who has posted here recently. My flu has gone, but unfortunately I'm left with what I believe is bronchitis, I'm using natural remedies to try and reduce the inflammation.

 

Thank you so much Tilly for posting the Desiderata on my thread. When I was about 14, I worked in a shop on the weekends and there was a small poster on the wall with this written. I was fascinated by these ideas, they seemed like wise words to live by, so I learned it by heart.

 

Reading it again now, with what I've been through these last several years, I thought it needed a slight adjustment, so I did a little re-write, here is my version...

 

Desperata (Acute Withdrawal Version)

 

Go reluctantly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace their used to be in silence, before you got tinnitus.

As far as possible without losing your job, home, relationships and everything which is dear to you, limit contact with all persons.

Speak the truth about withdrawal quietly and clearly, even though others will treat you like an idiot, saying you are telling a story.

Avoid loud and aggressive drug pushing doctors of all kinds, they are a danger to your health.

If you compare yourself with others, you will feel depressed and hopeless because right now everyone seems greater than yourself.

Hang onto any positive memory you can find in the dark murky depths of your mind.

If you still have a career, you are lucky, or you just don’t have withdrawal all that bad.

The business world is full of trickery and crooks, you got scammed by the biggest of the bunch…Big Pharma

But try and look on the bright side, there are a handful of heroes in the world who write books and speak up for us in court and sometimes even answer our emails.

Be yourself, even if you don’t know who you are any more, DP/DR sucks and even the grass looks weird, the whole world has become enchanted by a strange curse.

Take kindly any helpful advice you are offered by well meaning friends and family as the days, months and years roll by, gracefully surrendering your desire for them to really understand what you are going through.

Watch helplessly as your spiritual strength dissolves into a puddle at your feet.

Distress and imaginings will take on a life of their own, as will fear, fatigue and loneliness. A wholesome diet may help, gentle walking and let someone else discipline the kids, you’re just too fragile at the moment. 

You are a survivor of psychiatry, less important than the power and wealth accumulated at your expense, you have no rights.

And valid or not, clearly, your diagnosis now defines a universal truth.

However, God will still love you, as will your cat or dog, whatever the outcome.

Therefore find peace in your pets if noise is too much for your sensitive soul, keep confusion to a minimum, your brain needs to rest.

With all its pain, anxiety and sleepless nights, its still a recovery process. Be happy you are still alive, unless of course you have anhedonia, which would make this impossible.

 

© Petunia 2015

 

That was awesome.  I'm not even kidding, but that was probably one of the best things I've read on this website.  this needs to be isolated and stickied somewhere immediately.

[Tilly]

Its been a while since I visited my thread, its lovely to read all your kind and supportive comments, thank you to everyone who has posted here recently. My flu has gone, but unfortunately I'm left with what I believe is bronchitis, I'm using natural remedies to try and reduce the inflammation.

 

Thank you so much Tilly for posting the Desiderata on my thread. When I was about 14, I worked in a shop on the weekends and there was a small poster on the wall with this written. I was fascinated by these ideas, they seemed like wise words to live by, so I learned it by heart.

 

Reading it again now, with what I've been through these last several years, I thought it needed a slight adjustment, so I did a little re-write, here is my version...

 

Desperata (Acute Withdrawal Version)

 

Go reluctantly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace their used to be in silence, before you got tinnitus.

As far as possible without losing your job, home, relationships and everything which is dear to you, limit contact with all persons.

Speak the truth about withdrawal quietly and clearly, even though others will treat you like an idiot, saying you are telling a story.

Avoid loud and aggressive drug pushing doctors of all kinds, they are a danger to your health.

If you compare yourself with others, you will feel depressed and hopeless because right now everyone seems greater than yourself.

Hang onto any positive memory you can find in the dark murky depths of your mind.

If you still have a career, you are lucky, or you just don’t have withdrawal all that bad.

The business world is full of trickery and crooks, you got scammed by the biggest of the bunch…Big Pharma

But try and look on the bright side, there are a handful of heroes in the world who write books and speak up for us in court and sometimes even answer our emails.

Be yourself, even if you don’t know who you are any more, DP/DR sucks and even the grass looks weird, the whole world has become enchanted by a strange curse.

Take kindly any helpful advice you are offered by well meaning friends and family as the days, months and years roll by, gracefully surrendering your desire for them to really understand what you are going through.

Watch helplessly as your spiritual strength dissolves into a puddle at your feet.

Distress and imaginings will take on a life of their own, as will fear, fatigue and loneliness. A wholesome diet may help, gentle walking and let someone else discipline the kids, you’re just too fragile at the moment. 

You are a survivor of psychiatry, less important than the power and wealth accumulated at your expense, you have no rights.

And valid or not, clearly, your diagnosis now defines a universal truth.

However, God will still love you, as will your cat or dog, whatever the outcome.

Therefore find peace in your pets if noise is too much for your sensitive soul, keep confusion to a minimum, your brain needs to rest.

With all its pain, anxiety and sleepless nights, its still a recovery process. Be happy you are still alive, unless of course you have anhedonia, which would make this impossible.

 

© Petunia 2015

Nearly peed my pants! You have a great dry sense humour that I identify with as I do with much of what you wrote and I am printing this for when positivity & gratitude just doesn't cut it and a reality check is in need.

 

Thank you.

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly

[freespirit]

This is incredible Petunia....worthy of publishing I think. One can both laugh and cry at the truth is contains.

[melanie]

Hot flashes are definitely a symptome of SSRI withdrawal. What attracted me to certain SSRIs (like Prozac, Lexapro) and SNRIs (Effexor) is that they cause hot flashes to dissapear. Also Paxil, but this one I couldn't tolerate at all. Prozac also gave me extreme energy, I miss it so much. Now I only want this SSRI nightmare to end. But I almost have no hope I will ever break free... Mel

[Pugknows]

Very very funny, apropos and poignant rewrite, Petunia. Spoken by a true comrade who's been through it all!

 

Love, Pug

[AliG]

 I so admire your spirit, Petu.  You've been through so much & yet always , your light seems to shine very brightly.   You are a positive force , that I can only hope to try & keep up with, in courage & determination.  I have learned from you, and I'm grateful for that.  Thank you.

[Petunia]

I had a window last week, but didn't realize it until I was hit by a wave Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately I didn't document any of it, and now I can't really remember much of the details.

 

Some of what I remember is that on the Monday morning, we had a really nice, warm Spring day and I felt good and got that 'first day of Spring' kind of feeling, that was a big surprise to be feeling something positive, and with it came some motivation and enthusiasm for life again.

 

By the middle of the week I was feeling energetic and curious and wanting to go out and do things. This was also new because for the last few years I've had to force myself to go out, preferring to stay home where its 'safe', where I can control my environment and not be subject to bright light, sounds and the overwhelming unpredictable chaos of the world 'out there'.

 

One of the days last week I went shopping and had a nice time buying some gifts and a few beauty products for myself, I had started to care about my appearance again   The DP/DR was right down somewhere between 5% - 10%

 

I bought a couple of replacement kitchen appliances, which I had needed to do for a while. In general it was a week of having more energy, good energy and feeling better and definitely more hopeful about the future.

 

The wave started suddenly about midday Saturday, with pain in my right shoulder, neck, jaw and head and a feeling of exhaustion. By evening, the pain had increased and the teeth on the right side of my mouth were hurting, I couldn't eat properly. The intense jaw pain only lasted 24 hours, but I've had mild pain in my head and neck all week, the wave continued and I've been very tired and 'depression' has come back. I've started waking too early again, around 5am, I had been waking between 6 and 7 most mornings. The doomy, gloomy feelings have been lasting through most of the day again.

 

This wave seemed to be lifting yesterday, because I was feeling slightly better, but I had to get up early this morning to take my car to be serviced. Me being out in the world at 7am is not a good thing, as I was walking out of the service center I tripped on a speed bump, I guess I hadn't seen it. I fell forward onto my knees, pretty hard, banged my nose and scraped both my palms. I was in shock for the rest of the day, and pain. Old physical symptoms like chills and inner shaking came back. I was freezing all day and couldn't get warm and wasn't sure I would be able to get back out to pick my car up later in the day. It hurt to walk, both my knees are a mess, the thought of this physical injury has made me feel hopeless again and very vulnerable.

 

But I did pick the car up and stopped for some bread on the way home.

 

So that was my little update, a really good window, followed by more ****

 

On a positive note, I've made it through the difficult part of September, difficult while I've been in withdrawal anyway. Two family birthdays and father's day (here in Australia)

 

Thanks everyone for your ongoing support and I'm so glad you all liked my Desiderata re-write, I felt slightly guilty for putting such a negative spin on something so inspiring, but...... it happened anyway and as Tilly wrote, something for those days when the positivity has dried up.

[Skylarblue75]

Glad to hear that you had a window, so sorry you got hurt and are right back in the thick of things.

[brassmonkey]

Sounds like you had a wonderful spring week, next week should be the same.  I hate it when I fall in public, besides the physical pain there's the .....  I've been loosing my balance a lot lately and walking into doorways at work, luckily my boss hasn't seen it yet. I really don't want to have to try and explain it to him.

 

Are you feeling up to starting a small garden?  Getting a couple of tomato plants going is great for the sole.

[Petunia]

I hate it when I fall in public, besides the physical pain there's the .....

 

lol, you and my daughter are the same. When I got into her car for my ride home, and told her I had just fallen, the first thing she said was "Did anyone see?"

 

Thanks Skylarblue (hugs)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Am I feeling up to starting a small garden? Last week I was up to thinking about it, but my thoughts were more along the lines of how do I go about getting someone to pave over most of this mess and then I might put in a very small patch of 'astro-turf' in case I ever really do get a dog.

 

I sort of did do some real gardening last week. While I was hacking away at the 2 - 3 foot high weeds at the back, with the grass trimmer, I noticed growing among them, something which looked like a real plant, you know, the kind you actually pay money for. So I pulled it up, (weed style) dug a little hole in my one, small garden bed which is mostly ignored, but gets enough attention to keep it alive, and threw it in there.

 

Not that I expected it to survive, with the rough treatment I'd just given it, but I've been watering it every couple of days and it looks like its gonna make it.

 

But about those tomato plants.... I don't think so, I'm only just starting to want to keep being alive myself, so I'm not up to the responsibility and emotional investment of taking on a tomato plant.

 

On a good day I can manage 10 - 15 minutes of moderate activity without it setting me back, this is progress. But today I'm back into extreme self care mode, I hurt, not just my knees, but all over, my whole body aches and my limbs feel very heavy.

 

I'm feeling sad and very sorry for myself. I remember when I used to work in the garden (my previous nice garden)... for hours, digging and carrying and lifting and cutting and dragging. I used to be strong, with a lot of physical endurance. I would get an idea, and just do it. It wasn't all that long ago that I was still able to work hard, physically, maybe 4 years ago. I was pulling up tiles and floor boards, scrubbing graffiti off walls until my arms ached, then doing more of it. I was able to overdo things, push myself past my limits and only deal with a little soreness for a few days, just a minor inconvenience really, my body would bounce back almost immediately and my confidence with it.... but then one day it didn't. I broke myself.

 

Now I have a hard time going for a ten minute walk or getting the top off a jar...on a bad day. On the better days, its not so bad, I'm getting there, but these waves, these set backs are hard to take.

 

When I do feel a little bit better and manage to get out and do a few things and start to feel more like my old self, I seem to forget that I'm still in a windows/waves pattern and just expect that the improvement is going to last. I optimistically believe that I have 'turned a corner' now and start making plans, fully believing that I'm going to be able to carry them through. Then when I can't, its devastating to have this little bit of hope pulled away again.

 

The strange thing is, I don't know if I want to be that person again. I don't even like tomatoes all that much, I don't know what I like any more. Last week, while in my window, I was walking around one of those huge discount stores....K-mart, I think they are the same all over the world. Everything seemed different, like I had been in a coma for 10 years and had just woken up. It was like I needed to catch up with the world, I wasn't sure I wanted to, it was like I had lost a huge chunk of time or myself or something I couldn't quite identify. I didn't want to go back, but I didn't want to be here either, but last week I felt good, so it was a curious, interesting sensation and I wondered what it would transform into next.

 

Who am I going to be when this roller coaster ride of recovery is over, when my nervous system has stabilized and I've stopped being thrown down into a dark pit over and over? When I'm back on stable ground, what am I going to want to walk towards next? Right now, there's no one here who wants to do anything besides keep surviving....that's progress, a while back, a year? Maybe two? I didn't want to still be here, it was too hard and I was too tired, but more importantly, there was no hope. Its still too hard and I'm still too tired, but I have hope now, that one day its going to be different, that I will recover and regain my strength and confidence and ability to feel good in a consistent, predictable sort of way.

 

One day I will make plans and be confident that I can follow through without having to fight through symptoms, or the fear that its going to throw me into a wave.

 

I want to get back out there and attack some more weeds, its a nice day and I was making good progress last week, but its not going to happen today. So I'm going to make some stir-fry chicken and vegetables for lunch instead.

[AliG]

I'm happy you had a window though, Petunia. 

 

I know what you mean, about the "Spring" weather. It's so beautiful, at the moment. Maybe , instead of tomatoes, you could plant a pot of herbs. 

[brassmonkey]

Monica my wife was a professional dancer for many years.  It is a little known fact that dancers can't walk across a smooth floor without tripping.  They do however know how to take a fall.  One day while walking across a parking lot with some friends she "fell off of her shoe" and went down hard.  But instead of falling on her face she followed her training, tucked, rolled and was back on her feet in one move.  All of her friends were like "What just happened?? Are you all right??  Didn't you just fall down???  She just continued on as if nothing had happened.  It was quite the sight.

[mammaP]

I'm just catching up with your thread Petu, and it's lovely to see that you are feeling better and having some good windows  . 

[Petunia]

I'm updating my thread with some quotes from the  Anhedonia, apathy, demotivation  thread because that's where I seem to be now. I don't have the energy or motivation to write anything myself, and these reflect fairly accurately what I'm experiencing at the moment.

 

You have posted more than the allowed number of quoted blocks of text...

 

...fighting the urge to delete the whole lot and not bother. Ok, fine, here are some of the more positive ones with evidence of recovery and encouragement, not that I'm feeling encouraged or hopeful about recovery at the moment.

 

Alto suggested I do the things which used to cause pleasure for me anyway... I sat in the sun, looked at flowers and trees, ate, took deep breaths, showers, drank a cup of tea, read. The progress was gradual and erratic. From anhedonia I went to depression, and disliking everything and everyone intensely. And then this past month, it's like a cloud lifted, and I feel so much better. Things that seemed absolutely horrible before seem OK now, or more like a problem that can be fixed instead of the end of the world. Nothing in my outer life has really changed, but because I can enjoy things more I can make choices about changes I need to make. The first thing I started enjoying was nature... I felt a deep thirst for trees, animals, and also food. That was a signal to me that I was "coming back to life".

... I was so far in the dark about everything, and everything seemed so horrible, that I could not imagine the way out. Now I'm relearning the things that I like naturally and that make me feel good and starting to be able to imagine having the gumption to take action (though I'm still taking shaky steps).

 

Anhedonia, depression, anxiety, physical symptoms, they all seem to cycle around for me in a random way. Although it used to be way more anxiety and physical stuff, now they are settling down somewhat, the other kind take their place more often, but I still don't know what to expect from one day to the next or one week to the next.  I just want this to be over. For 6 days I felt like I was finally getting better, but now its gone again. It had been over a year since I'd had a window that lasted longer than a few hours. I hope I don't have to wait another year for the next one.

 

The only positive thing about these 'depression' type symptoms, for me, is that I never had them before drugs, not like this. Not these soul crushing, life diminishing, hope draining dark moods and lack of anything positive that go on for days. So I can be sure this is drug effects and not me.

 

 

.... It even seems to make any decision making almost impossible, from hundreds of small decisions that we make almost subconsciously every day to larger more obvious ones. It's like when we make a decision we imagine say two or more possible paths or choices we might take.. we think about each separate scenario of action and consequence and then try to imagine how we feel about each outcome and therefore decide based on this information.. but how are we supposed to differentiate without having our feelings to guide us?.. I know there are many other variables that we take into account in this process but for me personally it's my feelings that have always been the stronger and most prominent guide.. Anhedonia seems to effect my memory too. Because i feel numbed in real time/ present.. and can't access my feelings i also lose the clarity and vividness of memories.....

 

This is very well expressed. I've tried to explain not being able to make decisions -- Druid, you've captured it. I've also tried to describe the memories issue. What I've said is I'm missing emotional resonance. I can remember a memory, but I don't have the emotional associations, although I remember I did have those emotional associations. Emotional resonance does seem to be coming back, faintly. Charly G. said emotions were the last to come back. A knowledgeable doctor recently told me this, too. In all the years (6 now) that I've been reading people's experiences with withdrawal syndrome, of all the awful symptoms, the emotional anesthesia seems to frighten people the most. It's so not-human. (I prefer to call it emotional anesthesia, implying an iatrogenic condition, rather than anhedonia, which is supposed to be a symptom of garden-variety depression. Hah! I'd go for anhedonia any day over emotional anesthesia.) Yet, if you look at what these drugs do when you're taking them, it's a predictable residue of their action. Nadia, it does get better. You are in a phase where symptoms are fairly acute. Be assured they will change. You'll find your sense of humor is still there.

 

 

 

I used to feel things, good things, I know I did, even if I can't connect emotionally with those memories, I have to keep reminding myself that I used to have positive emotions and I will again.

 

For me, the lack of a sense of reward has made me sort of demotivated. It's hard to get started even on things I want to do. For example, I put in a lot of effort to order a rug a year ago, and I want it in my living room, but I can't seem to get going on taking the old rug up, cleaning under it, and putting the new one down.

 

Yup! I bought a new rug soon after we moved, but I left it rolled up, leaning on a wall for weeks before I managed to motivate myself to put it down. And now, half of the things I bought during my window 2 weeks ago are still in their boxes and bags on the table. There just seems no point any more in painting my toenails, putting the solar lights in the garden bed or using the red kettle to match the decor, the old one with rust spots still works fine.

 

 I've been really puzzled as to why I've fully recovered physically (no more insomnia, cortisol mornings, et cetera), but still feel such a limited range of emotions. I suppose that emotions are one of the most complex aspects of human health so it would make sense that this is the last aspect of normality to heal. Thank God there is an end in sight.

 

I experienced it - and am still experiencing it - during withdrawal. I'm a bit over a year from a too-fast taper off of Lexapro which ended in mid-December of 2011. According to what I've read, feelings of pleasure and interest in life are the very last to be restored after a bad withdrawal. I've thought about this a lot and I suppose it makes sense that feelings of fear, sadness, and anger would come back first, especially fear, which helps us to survive. Over the past several months, I've had some episodes of pleasure but at the present time they're fading in and out, the old windows and waves pattern. But at least I know I'm still capable of feeling pleasure and in time that capacity will be back to normal.

 

and here is Jemima again on her intro thread:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-☼-introducing-jemima/?p=84784  Posted 16 April 2014 - 06:02 AM  "The anhedonia seems to have just evaporated.  I'm not sure when I first realized that I was feeling some pleasure, but it really struck me when I was laughing and talking with the dealership guy today.  And I've taken an interest in shopping.  Up until recently I bought only the bare necessities, not because I couldn't afford more, but because I had no interest at all in getting new things or making the effort, even online. I've started decluttering again, a never-ending but satisfying project, and feel some excitement about cooking."

 

So I guess there's hope, but now I'm losing my motivation for copying these posts, and I'm wondering why I started in the first place. Ok, I remember now, I'm trying to update a little more often so I have a better record of my recovery process.

 

There are 2 things I want to do this afternoon, go out and buy a few things from the store and continue with my weed cutting project. But I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do either. Not only am I not going to get any sense of satisfaction from either of them, but my knees still hurt from my fall, and so I'm going to experience some physical pain.

 

Maybe I'll start with just one of them, the one which brings a partial reward, if I go shopping, I'll have a better selection of food to choose from when I get hungry.

 

Thanks AliG, Brass and MP for your comments, (hugs)

 

 

 

 

[bubble]

Dear Petunia,

 

reading your update reminded me of my many encounters with anhedonia. It's a very, very painful memory. Like so many. My first encounter was at 19. I was a student and one morning I literally woke up completely dead on the inside with all my wishes, ambitions, wants, likes... gone. I didn't feel a thing about anything. I looked at the things around me which needed to be manipulated ith disgust. I had to move into a students' dorm. I woudl be full of anticipation and excitement before, collecting things I would need in my new life. There were all lyingaround me like your rug and I had to move them around but the only thing I felt was a deep disgust.

 

 I remember thinking how I wouldn't feel anything if all my family died. I sat in lectures making notes with pain and disgust. Like I was forcing myself to eat and I wasn't hungry. It was so phyisical in a way. I remember visiting my friends after the lectures and just sitting and watching what they do because I couldn't do anything myself. I went through the motions with great difficulty and sometimes I wanted to scream with that horror of emptiness inside. It took 7 months before I started feeling things.

 

There were subsequent periods of anhedonia but then I was older and I knew the feeling. But it's never easier. It always feels like you will never feel again. It's the death of the soul. You are stripped off of the essence of what it is to be human. And yes, it affects motivation, decision making, thinking...And it goes on and on forcing you to dug deeper and deeper in search for more resolve while your strength is diminishing. It's almost like I would miss the horror of anxiety because feeling anything, even horror was more bearable. The quotes you copied are great and having this meta knowledge is so helpful. I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me and why.

 

I will continue this on my own thread

 

You are a warrior and finding the best weapons for this new battlefield. I see anhedonia as a big shut down for intense repairs. Our body and brain have used up so much energy through constant fight mode of anxiety that some safety switch was just pulled off and left you in the dark. But deep levels of you are recharging.

 

As always I'm deeply impressed by all the resources you mobilise to deal with these horrors. I know that you know that but from somebody who has been through this many times: this too passes...

 

In the meantime, hugs...

 

Bubble

[Petunia]

Thank you for sharing your experience and insights Bubble, I'm sorry you have had to go through this too. I like what you wrote here, it ties in with something I realized today while walking.  "It always feels like you will never feel again. It's the death of the soul. You are stripped off of the essence of what it is to be human."

 

I'm starting to come to a new understanding of what it is to be human. I think we are all born with the potential to be fully human, but culture slows down our progress and infects us with lots of little virus programs which pretend to be part of our human nature, but really they just take up space and keep us running around it never ending circles slowing down our proper evolution.

 

If we want to be able to experience our 'good' feelings fully, we also need to be able to endure the 'bad' ones, I think most of us know this, but what happens when we are feeling nothing? Its like we are dead and will do anything to feel alive again, but its not really that we are dead or our soul is or even our humanity, perhaps its an opportunity or a test to see if we are ready to give up some of what we have been programmed to believe is the 'normal' human experience of constant feeling and experiencing, to create some space for a higher version of our self or our soul or God or source to come into us and become part of our evolving humanity.  I don't know, I'm just starting to see possible meanings where before it was all fairly meaningless.

 

As difficult as some of these excruciating states are to endure, I can't help but believe that if we can find the courage to relax into them with an attitude of curiosity, along side the fear, then eventually, they will open up for us and share their gifts. But of course this is rarely easy when we have to function in society up to certain standards if we want to maintain our lives the way they are.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I'm trying to update a little more often, especially as I seem to be getting better faster now. I'm assuming I'm getting better, symptoms/sensations/the way I'm experiencing life is changing.

 

Today was another little milestone and quite unexpected. I'm still rather stunned and not quite sure how to write about it, but I will try.

 

I could take the easy way and write that I went for a walk and it was mostly enjoyable, and leave it at that, but it was so much more than just a pleasant walk.

 

I've often described DP/DR like trying to function in the world while being on a bad drug trip. But today's walk in nature was like being on a good drug trip

 

I've never taken a hallucinogen, so I don't know for certain, but what I mean is that the experience was the same kind of thing but from a positive perspective. It was just as overwhelming and intense, but there was no fear, no underlying anxiety or dread, casting its shadow over the experience.

 

I became one with nature, the sounds and the sights were me. Really, it was still too much, the birds, frogs and wind were loud. The colors of the wildflowers, carpeting the whole landscape took away my ability to think. A large water bird was gliding through the sky and for a few seconds, I was that bird, I felt the exhilaration and freedom of moving through the air with nothing but empty space surrounding me.

 

I wandered around for about an hour, in a state of wonder and fascination at how everything was appearing. I was seeing with new eyes and hearing with different ears. There were ducks and when they quacked, it was like I was hearing that sound for the first time. Dragonflies and butterflies were everywhere I looked, I knew what they were, but it was like I was seeing those for the first time in my life also.

 

I stood in one spot for what felt like an eternity, surrounded by all this nature, I'd been to this place many times before, but today something was different, very different. I was drowning in a beautiful ocean of sensation filling me until I no longer existed as something separate from it. Then I realized that what I was experiencing at that moment was a single unique moment in time which could never be repeated or shared and I suddenly felt very lonely and sad, because I became aware of being empty and alone, but it was ok because then it was clear that this is what its like to be human and to fully experience life, all of us are alone in our unique realities, being able to accept the deep loneliness (emptiness) which is at our core is what permits life to flow through us fully. Peace comes from being able to accept whatever is, or isn't in any given moment, including a temporary lack of feelings.

 

There's so much more I could write about what happened during that one hour, but it will just be words on a screen and wouldn't come close to how strange and amazing everything seemed today. As I got back in my car to drive home, I realized I was as exhausted and as satiated as I had been after spending full days at Disney World years ago.  I started to wonder how different our world would be, if we were all so easily amused all the time, by the free attractions offered by the natural world which surrounds us.

[AliG]

 What a beautiful & awe - inspiring post , Petunia.   Your ( and Bubble's ) experiences of anhedonia, really capture the "essence" of it so well. Similar to my experience, as well.

 

I love what you say about enduring excruciating states & relaxing into them, with an attitude of curiosity, alongside the fear, then eventually they will open up for us and share their gifts.

 

Your writing, transported me into your "experience" with nature.  I'm so glad you decided to share that. 

 

It sounds like healing, to me. 

[Tilly]

 

I hate it when I fall in public, besides the physical pain there's the .....

 

lol, you and my daughter are the same. When I got into her car for my ride home, and told her I had just fallen, the first thing she said was "Did anyone see?"

 

Thanks Skylarblue (hugs)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Am I feeling up to starting a small garden? Last week I was up to thinking about it, but my thoughts were more along the lines of how do I go about getting someone to pave over most of this mess and then I might put in a very small patch of 'astro-turf' in case I ever really do get a dog.

 

I sort of did do some real gardening last week. While I was hacking away at the 2 - 3 foot high weeds at the back, with the grass trimmer, I noticed growing among them, something which looked like a real plant, you know, the kind you actually pay money for. So I pulled it up, (weed style) dug a little hole in my one, small garden bed which is mostly ignored, but gets enough attention to keep it alive, and threw it in there.

 

Not that I expected it to survive, with the rough treatment I'd just given it, but I've been watering it every couple of days and it looks like its gonna make it.

 

But about those tomato plants.... I don't think so, I'm only just starting to want to keep being alive myself, so I'm not up to the responsibility and emotional investment of taking on a tomato plant.

 

On a good day I can manage 10 - 15 minutes of moderate activity without it setting me back, this is progress. But today I'm back into extreme self care mode, I hurt, not just my knees, but all over, my whole body aches and my limbs feel very heavy.

 

I'm feeling sad and very sorry for myself. I remember when I used to work in the garden (my previous nice garden)... for hours, digging and carrying and lifting and cutting and dragging. I used to be strong, with a lot of physical endurance. I would get an idea, and just do it. It wasn't all that long ago that I was still able to work hard, physically, maybe 4 years ago. I was pulling up tiles and floor boards, scrubbing graffiti off walls until my arms ached, then doing more of it. I was able to overdo things, push myself past my limits and only deal with a little soreness for a few days, just a minor inconvenience really, my body would bounce back almost immediately and my confidence with it.... but then one day it didn't. I broke myself.

 

Now I have a hard time going for a ten minute walk or getting the top off a jar...on a bad day. On the better days, its not so bad, I'm getting there, but these waves, these set backs are hard to take.

 

When I do feel a little bit better and manage to get out and do a few things and start to feel more like my old self, I seem to forget that I'm still in a windows/waves pattern and just expect that the improvement is going to last. I optimistically believe that I have 'turned a corner' now and start making plans, fully believing that I'm going to be able to carry them through. Then when I can't, its devastating to have this little bit of hope pulled away again.

 

The strange thing is, I don't know if I want to be that person again. I don't even like tomatoes all that much, I don't know what I like any more. Last week, while in my window, I was walking around one of those huge discount stores....K-mart, I think they are the same all over the world. Everything seemed different, like I had been in a coma for 10 years and had just woken up. It was like I needed to catch up with the world, I wasn't sure I wanted to, it was like I had lost a huge chunk of time or myself or something I couldn't quite identify. I didn't want to go back, but I didn't want to be here either, but last week I felt good, so it was a curious, interesting sensation and I wondered what it would transform into next.

 

Who am I going to be when this roller coaster ride of recovery is over, when my nervous system has stabilized and I've stopped being thrown down into a dark pit over and over? When I'm back on stable ground, what am I going to want to walk towards next? Right now, there's no one here who wants to do anything besides keep surviving....that's progress, a while back, a year? Maybe two? I didn't want to still be here, it was too hard and I was too tired, but more importantly, there was no hope. Its still too hard and I'm still too tired, but I have hope now, that one day its going to be different, that I will recover and regain my strength and confidence and ability to feel good in a consistent, predictable sort of way.

 

One day I will make plans and be confident that I can follow through without having to fight through symptoms, or the fear that its going to throw me into a wave.

 

I want to get back out there and attack some more weeds, its a nice day and I was making good progress last week, but its not going to happen today. So I'm going to make some stir-fry chicken and vegetables for lunch instead.

 

Hope is essential, Petunia.

 

I identify with your struggle with your past, present and future self. Try not to consciously shape your future self too much. She (your future self) will emerge and be shaped by what brings her joy.

 

One of the good things about my experience of agoraphobia (which you also experience from memory) is that when it is so difficult to get out and causes so much energy to be expended in taking each journey, you really assess what journeys you actually WANT to undertake. If you can't be bothered with the faff of trawling your supermarket for your weekly shop or the fluorescent lights cause DP / DR, order on line and use that time to go out and cycle, sit in the sun, weed the garden or do something else of benefit to you.

 

I believe that the nature of our experiences can cause us to overwork / over analyze life at times. Life is an organic process that requires some degree of free flow to shape it. A basic plan is often helpful, however, the very best of life often happens outside of our plans.

 

It sounds like you have made great progress in recent years. Give yourself credit for your achievents ad follow your instincts to build on this progress.

 

I am breathing each breath and taking each step in my daily life, not to merely survive, but to absolutely thrive, achieve my potential and be all that I can be and want to be. I believe that you are doing the same.

 

Be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. You are capable of more than you believe yourself to be. I admire your spirit and courage immensely.

 

Sending love & hugs your way as always.

 

Tilly x

[Petunia]

Thank you AliG and Tilly.

 

I'm limiting myself to writing only what is needed to document this. I've had another bad reaction to fish oil and I'm not myself at the moment.

 

I wrote about what happened in the omega 3 fish oil topic, link is here:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/?p=183081

 

Hopefully this will calm down soon, I'm not fit for human interaction at the moment.

[Tilly]

Thank you AliG and Tilly.

 

I'm limiting myself to writing only what is needed to document this. I've had another bad reaction to fish oil and I'm not myself at the moment.

 

I wrote about what happened in the omega 3 fish oil topic, link is here:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/?p=183081

 

Hopefully this will calm down soon, I'm not fit for human interaction at the moment.

Same here (limiting contact as I am not fit for human interaction). You are not alone.

 

Feel better soon, Petunia. Or at least, stabilised.

 

You are in my thoughts.

 

Tilly x

[freespirit]

Thinking of you Petunia..and for different reasons, am also in the not fit for interaction category at the moment. These things are disheartening in the moment (I can't do fish oil either), but perhaps provide a kind of guidance at least as to what to let go of. I'm sure it's especially tough, happening on the heels of the experience you had a few days ago. You'll ride this out too. Take care, as best you can.

 

I know that you're heading into spring, not fall..and perhaps you saw that I posted this on direstraits thread..but maybe it will be of some comfort to you:

 

"I think of the trees and how simply they let go, let fall the riches of a season, how without grief (it seems) they can let go and go deep into their roots for renewal and sleep… Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go."

-- May Sarton