success ☼ ang: help and confidence needed

[direstraits]

Oh,Ang,

so sorry it's so bad right now,I'm in a rough patch,too,tired of fighting this but we have to stay strong and know it will get better,eventually.

 

love and hugs to you.

 

xxx

[nz11]

So sorry you are in a bad place.

It is not easy.

You can survive it.

[AliG]

 Ang,

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time.  Please know it always gets better. You probably can't see it now , in the middle of it , but there is light. You will find the light again. 

 

“Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine. If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be shocked. You are far more wonderful than you think you are. Rest with that. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine. More than fine. Better than fine. You’re doin’ great. So relax. And love yourself today.”
― Neale Donald Walsch

 

Hugs,

 

Ali 

[Fresh]

What's going on for you ang?   

[ang]

Hello everyone, I just am desperate.  Feel so awful, lay in bed most of the day, I cant clean, or do anything.    I was so desperate I took a 50mg zoloft........... probably wrong thing to do, but I just cant survive like this.  Over 12 months now, and I cant see any improvement.    I desperately want a job, but not well enough to handle it.

 

Life is torture.    Should I stick with the zoloft for 3 weeks?   And see it I get improvement?

[ang]

I would like to try the CES, or light therapy, or anything, but I just havent got the energy to find out about these things.  I need a script for seroquel, but not even well enough to go out to the doctors...........

Sorry for whingeing. About everything.

[Fresh]

Ang , read the thread on reinstatement.    

It recommends starting with 1-2mg , in case you have an adverse reaction.

I would cross my fingers and hope for the best - remember the last time you reinstated zoloft you got

totally wired?

Be sensible , and take just 1-2mg , to give it a fair shot.  If 1-2mg is okay , you can updose slowly from there.

 

Running out of seroquel is no good.   Can you phone the doctor and ask them to fax a script to the chemist

for you?   

[ang]

Thanks Fresh, never thought of them sending the script through to the pharmacy.    I do have 200mg pills left, but awfully hard chopping them in 25 mg sections.  

 

I have to try something, I cant just stay in my bed, stressed all day.  And every minute seems to be agony.    I know zoloft has worked twice before in my life,  and I didnt go off because of it not working or anything, just did the fatal mistake of giving it up too quickly, last year.   And other times I gave up because I was pregnant.  I will never touch effexor, than really destroyed my life.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Ang-- please don't be rash and desperate. An updose/reinstatement that big has a real chance of causing an adverse reaction and you really, really don't want to go there.  Like Fresh is saying start with a very small amount of 1- 2mg and see how that affects you.  It will take a few weeks to really kick in, but an RI has to be done slowly and carefully.  This is probably just a really bad wave and will pass, remember how good you were feeling just a few weeks ago.

 

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[Fresh]

Check out the thread on Tips for Tapering zoloft.

 

What if you dissolved 1/4 of a 200 mg (50mg) in 25mls of water?   Then each ml has 2mg of zoloft in it.

You can draw up 1ml into a syringe to get your dose.   I think it's good for a few days in the fridge.

 

Your job for today:  organize a script for seroquel and an oral syringe.   Maybe the chemist can deliver

if you can't get there , or your son can collect it.

[AliG]

Hi Ang,

 

I'm worried for you. You have tried reinstatement in the past, and it has not gone well.

 

Quote from Petunia  :

Posted 23 May 2015 - 07:28 PM"   " I'm glad you are feeling a little better now ang, it sounds like you can no longer tolerate SSRIs, so I would stay away from them now, if I were you ".

 

 

Also, I think the fact that you have taken St John's Wort while on the drugs ( and also when you're off them ) has complicated matters, as well as alcohol. 

 

If you are intent on this reinstatement , I would start low 1-2 mg, but I can't help thinking it would be best for you to stay away from any SSRI's , at this stage.

 

I know you have had pain from your past . That is never easy, but if you could just slow down and take a breath, it might help you to see what the next step should be in a calm and relaxed way , rather than out of desperation.   Perhaps , try some meditation and deep breathing . Take some time to reflect , on your journey so far, and identify some of the patterns that have emerged throughout. If you do , I'm sure you will see that you have been down this road before, with not a good outcome.

 

This probably is just a really bad wave , ( as Brassmonkey says). You were feeling good just weeks ago.  Whatever you decide , you have support .

Ali

[ang]

Hello AliG fresh and Brassmonkey, and everyone.  

 

Sorry for the confustion, Fresh the 200ml tablets I referred to were the seroquol, I have ordered more scripts for 25mg and 100mg, and hope to organise these on Monday.

 

I only took one of the zoloft, and felt bad, frightenend to take any more.    

 

I guess I felt good a few weeks ago, as I seemed to have settled into the routine of having a job to go to.  That is gone now, and just seems everytime I try to get on, do something positive, try, it ends in a hole. 

 

Anyhow, I wish I had the energy to try and get another job, but I just cant do it, I dont even go out of the house again....... back to square one.  After 14 months of this, it is getting tiring.

 

So now I am going to try something different, worth a try.  I am going to try CBD oil.  Comments welcome. Advice very welcome.

 

Seems when I am feeling really bad, I cant make any decent decisions............scrambled brain     Like your quote AliG, but why is it so hard to find a place where theres joy?

[ChessieCat]

Hi Ang,

 

Sorry to here that things aren't good for you at the moment.

 

Do you really think it is worth the risk trying CBD oil?

 

I can understand you becoming frustrated and wanting things to get better.  Most of us here do but IMO I think you should be trying to let things settle and give your brain and CNS a chance.  I have found that learning about what is happening and reading other peoples' threads has made me realise that I need to be VERY PATIENT.

 

Have you seen this video?  Healing from Antidepressants.  It's very easy to watch and makes a lot of sense.

 

Take care.

CC

[Fresh]

Read this thread ang , there are mixed reviews.  There's always the chance it'll send you right off.  It's risky.

 

Cannabis , thc or marijuana to ease withdrawal symptoms:

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5030-cannabis-thc-or-marijuana-to-ease-withdrawal-symptoms/

[ang]

Hello Chessie Cat and Fresh, thankyou so much.

 

Fresh, thankyou for the link, I tried to find something on SA about this topic, and couldnt find anything.    The link you have given was very informative.  You are a true gem, thankyou so much.

 

If you dont heat the hemp/cannabis, it isnt psychoactive.  And the oil is CDB oil,  the stuff for health, and very little of the THC (the stuff that gives you a high).    

 

Apparently the hemp/marijuana, for years (since being made illegal), has been bred for hight THC, to give people a high, and people smoked it, or the old pipe thing. (Heating is what gives you the high)... Years ago,cannabis  it was used in many different ways, a very healing and adaptable plant. Many plants had low THC, and higher CBD, and other oils etc.....they are now trying to breed these types of health plants again.    

 

Cannabis  got banned because it was such a useful fabric, and du Pont, wanted to sell his nylon.  That is the real reason it got banned..........   so companies such as Du Pont could sell their products, nylon and plastics.

 

Anyway, that is all I am learning, I dont intend to smoke the stuff, gosh I never smoked in my life.  I want it as a healing oil.  I reckon its worth a try...... will keep you all informed, and I will only take a tiny bit, when it comes...            too damn expensive to waste.

[ang]

I actually did some washing, and even folded it today, and enjoyed watching two movies.  Gosh feeling 20% is like pure absolute heaven!!!  I know I will make it out tomorrow,  I have two overdue quick urgent errands to do.  I hope and pray I stay well enough to clean my small house, and tidy a few things, before the next wave or tsunami hits

 

One thing I have learn in the last 14 months, one can not push themselves to do things.  No good feeling guilty about it, just makes it worse.   And my friend who says, make a list, force yourself, just doesnt understand it.  WDs are not like normal depression, where forcing yourself to do things, actually helps,  in Withdrawals it doesnt help, makes it worse.  

 

I have, I think accidentally taken more seroquel than usual, due to having to chop 200mg tablets....  I usually take only 75-100 mg a day.      It could be that, or it could just be the waves and windows, I dont know.  I know I must have taken over 100mg seroquel the last two days, as it affects my  eyesight, and I only need to wear glasses for reading, when I take more than 100mg.

 

I pick up my proper scripts tomorrow, 25mg and 100mg, so I will be able to judge much better, how much I am taking, and try and wean back to 100mg  or 75mg..  

 

I will try one dose of cbd oil, see what happens.............when I get it.

 

If the CBD oil doesnt help, will just stick to the seroquel, up it from 100mg if need be.       And if I get stable, will stick there, and ask everyones advice what to do from there on in.

[btdt]

A lot of ups and downs are just the normal wd that is how it goes.  I would not try oil or anything new but I have learned respect from suffering... ya I am a huge chicken. My advice would be do not touch anything new it could make you worse and that 20%  good feeling you had recently could vanish for a long time we are just to sensitive some of us to play with things. I hope you don't take it at the same time I respect your right to run your own life but my bossy pants says NO please don't play Ang... it has been so long to get this far as tho you don't see it this is how the progress goes long and slow and ups and downs... 

I wish you peace

[ang]

Thanks btdt........... advice appreciated.   But I am still a silly old fool.   If it all comes falling down, then I have to still post, so no one else makes my stupid mistake.  Cant waste my $150 two month investment, without giving it a try?     I truly think the outcome will be zero, just another con marketing for a new herb..............

 

2nd dose of the CBD hemp oil just taken,  each dose is about the size of a grain of rice.  All I know so far, is I didnt need my seroquel dose this morning.   Probably just placebo effect.  Havent needed seroquel all day, as I have been taking 25 mg doses to help me through the day, naughty, naughty.......   

 

Still not hungry, still zero appetite, but I still have some AD induced fat to get rid of, even after 12 months!   It was great, the day my legs stopped rubbing together!

 

I am also very wary that every new med, whatever, interacts with the others.   My son, seemed convinced I would get a high, but cant get a high, when there is no THC in the cannabis oil  ( ie no psychoactive ingredient), or very, very little......... and it isnt heated, my son asked if I was gonna smoke it, hahah,  dont worry, he is just a joker, he dont even drink alcohol, yeah, even at the end of high school schoolies parties!   And me?  my dad gave me apuff on his cigarette when I was  two or three years old, I have never touched it since.

 

Anyway, I will not rely on just judging myself, I trust my sons observations............... they are way more accurate than mine.  Having previously suffered real serotonin syndrome, I dont want to ever go high and manic and psychotic again.............   depression is safer.

[Fresh]

So you didn't take any seroquel today?     Aren't you concerned that going from around 100mg to 0 you'll

induce withdrawal symptoms from seroquel?

 

Perhaps a more reasonable way to assess the cbd oil is to continue your regular seroquel dose for the next

couple of weeks.

[Altostrata]

ang, how have you been taking the Seroquel over the last month or two?

[ang]

So sorry Fresh, for the confusion I have caused.    I am still taking 75 mg of seroquel a day.

 

I went thru a bad patch, couldnt get my tablets, and had to divide 200mg tablets (not ver accurately)....   I felt so bad, I took extra crumbs during the day, ie in excess of the normal 75 mg.   this was only for a few days.   So what I meant was, I am no longer taking the extra, now am able to just take the usual,  75-10mg a day.   

What I meant by not taking any during the day, was I took it at night.  no extra doses during the day.

 

Thankyou so much for caring everyone....... you are so wonderful.........

 

and thanks alto for dropping by, I hope this explanation clears things up a bit.    I find I use the seroquel to slow me down, calm me, help me sleep, stop me stressing.  I wish to stick to a regular dose.   I would like to kick the seroquel, but I will not do this in a jump.....

 

Anyway, update,  yesterday was better than today, I guess I was expecting a miracle cure using the oil, which obviously hasnt happened.   But I dont think it is making things any worse,  

[AliG]

Ang ,

 

I can understand reaching for something / anything to make the pain go away , but there isn't anything, but time.  Time heals. You just have to be patient. It will get better. You are healing !   Hang in there.

 

Ali.

[ang]

AliG  thankyou...     I just need to be able to do something, I just cant do anything.   I am just like a big lazy slob.

 

I used to enjoy grocery shopping, enjoyed keeping the house tidy and clean.......liked to knit, and sew, be creative........ now I live in a pigstye.  My son has to do the grocery shopping, I cant go out of the house.  I dont cook, we live on junk food. 

 

when does the spark come back?  does it ever return?

[AliG]

Ang,

 

I know.  Some days can be so hard , for sure.   You asked about finding the joy, and I think you just have to try and  find it in all the lovely little things of life . The simple things. You have to keep looking, because it's not going to just  magically appear . Just start taking baby steps, Ang.  Try and do one positive thing a day , if you can.  The spark will come back, but if you can give it a bit of a nudge, it will  ignite a little sooner.

 

Quote :  " Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass . . . It's about learning to dance in the rain."     Vivian Greene 

 

Hugs,

Ali

[ang]

Well I feel like I have been standing in the rain for years, still not dancing      i keep trying, but looking for joy just doesnt happen.

 

I am just grateful the stress attacks are lessening, and I can sleep at night.    Yes, I am greedy, I want to not be a big lazy, blob, I need that spark.  i used to enjoy many things, now nothing brings me any joy. 

When that spark returns, wow, will I be happy!

[ang]

My brain is workiing, like it has been numbed from all the antidepressants, and finally is the opposite,    I wish I could slow down my thoughts, but at least they are no longer random, and stressful thoughts.   I hope it is the beginning of a nice window,  that would be nice.  I actually chatted and laughed with one of my sons today,  Just  for a few minutes, I was just running on normal......so I know I am improving, but I still have a lot of healing to do.

[AliG]

Ang,

 

We have all been standing in the rain. 

It does take time. However, that is a sign.  Go with that.  Keep dancing , girlfriend . Do not  Ever give up  !

[direstraits]

Hi Ang...thinking of you...hang in there and keep fighting.  xoxo

[ang]

Today, I had that spark.   I got bored, sitting at computer, I cleaned the bathroom, not like a chore, but like the real me....   I see a spot on the wall I clean it.........

it is a start.

 

There may be three reasons, why today I feel 70%   when for the last 18 months I have not got above 20%  (they were my windows).

 

Could be I stopped drinking my bottle of wine a night, 19 days ago...  was only feeling the need for it for 3 days, then wasnt a problem.

OR......... I am finally having a decent window

OR.......   the CBD oil I have been taking for 3 and a half days, is my miracle cure.

 

So, I can not help myself, the guinea pig, and idiot I am.....   I was a guinea pig for so many damn drugs....  ........  I need to know if it was giving up wine, or the CBD oil,  or if I truly do class myself as an alcoholic (which I never believed I was, but I might be wrong).

 

So I went out and bought a lovely nice bottle of Brown Brothers, Crouchen Reisling, to see how it goes.  I want to know.  I have a thirst for knowledge.   My son thinks I am an idiot, as it is the first day I have felt good, in damn 18 months........

 

If I crash, tomorrow,  and if the crash lasts, I will know it is the fact I stopped drinking, that is making me feel good.

If I dont crash, for more than a day,   damn it might be my new ""herbs"" helping me.

Either way, I will know if I can enjoy a Christmas drink with family....... or not.

And by Christmas, if I dont crash,  I will know it isnt just a natural window.............  I will know it is my miracle "herbs"

 

Anyway, I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas, today I even thought of getting the Christmas tree out of the storage place..............form now on I will only call my CBD oil, my herbs....... 

I dont want anyone to race out, and try it, even if I think it is helping me....  we all have our own stories, our own genetics, that is why drugs work for some, and send others off the planet  (like valium does for me,,, taking that stuff, damn just one tablet, then later one quarter of a tablet, has led to all my  AD  problems)........ others can tolerate valium, it turns me into a psychotic racehorse.

I do not want anyone to try anything... this timeline is mostly for my own record, and for my friends, to give me advice...  

 

I wish you all peace at Christmas, and wish everyone a nice big window, to enjoy your families.

[ang]

AliG and direstraights................. I bought my favourite wine, I spent bigtime.......... it actually tastes like ****............

Seems my tastebuds have changed,   damn hope so.!

I was spending $8 a day on my cheapo  bottle of wine,  if I bought a cheap cask, I just couldnt stop, so I only bought a bottle, each day....    on the antidepressants, I had  no off switch......

 

off the antidepressants, that urge had nearly gone,  I do know the seroquel is also a culprit   ..................  I think I can justify spending $150  for two months supply of my herbs.....

 

I must be finally getting a rational brain again, thank god for that!  

[ang]

Had my bottle of wine, it seemed to taste better the more I had!~

 

Woke up after 4 hours, with a tummy upset, went back to sleep, woke up OK.  I am absolutely amazed, I expected to wake up suffering depression, from the rebound effect of the alcohol. 

 

I am actually finally, unpacking my boxes of rubbish....... when I moved all the paperwork, everything, just got thrown into boxes.....I am sorting a box of it out.  Taken me 12 months.... to even stand to look at those boxes sitting on my kitchen floor.

 

I am making plans to study next year, I am hoping it might be 6 months in the USA, will have to see how things work out.  It is specialized study, and not many courses in this area in the world.  

 

Medicine wise, taking two doses of special herbs, day five now.   Cutting St Johns wort from the three tablets I have been taking, to two tablets, as from today.   Seroquel, dont need morning dose, so taking 75mg at night.  If I still feel well in a week, or two, will cut to 50mg at night.  Will alternate cuts of STW and the seroquel.

 

I dont want to get well, too quickly. The improvement is so rapid, it is scaring me.........   If I still improve as rapidly as I am, will also cut my herbs dose by half.

[btdt]

It seems like a lot to be doing at one time your body is much more forgiving than mine that I know one glass of wine I would be sick for days... a drug reaction can take me a long time... prednisone takes about a month to wear off lidocaine three months... that is just me... 

 

Still one thing sticks in my head... the figures I can't think of the word but it means when you change one thing your body will change some thing in response rebound like but that is not the word... sorry Ang still rebounding myself I guess... I have a brain but it is inconsistent in how it works. 

 

If the oil worked... it is almost legal here in Canada... still I react to most things I am a huge chicken. I wish you well and hope your on a healing path. 

peace B

[ang]

At 35 yo.??..1992/3? Dothiepin 375mg 8 weeks  .seizures  3 weeks in hospital. ct, 6 weeks later  zoloft, tegretol. (stupid!!!) 1994 CT, when found out  pregnant. baby born healthy 5/95   Then Wd hit 8/95  psychotic reaction to valium, hospitalized three weeks. Had random thought to drown my baby (yes in the Mother and Baby Ward!). Trauma, went on Zoloft again.

Feb 1996 ct tegretol, tapered Zoloft 8 weeks. as  pregnant. Steven died after 3 days.(Zolft HLHS baby). .Healthy baby born October 25 1997. Oct 98 had run in with Paxil, 3 weeks survived.
2005..... went to  doctor for tiredness, (menopause)...Zyprexa, mad in three days, fallout....  Seroquol, Effexor, tegretol,   and 8 years of self destruction.
2013 Tried to give up Effexor.  Damn 1/4 valium... nuts again! .fallout, zoloft 100mg  seroquol 400mg mirtazapine 45 mg  tegretol 400mg.  Mid 14 3 month taper. Nov 14 CRASH.
22/3/15 - 11/5/15 200mg seroquol   PLUS  Tried reinstating medications, one trial at a time, unsuccessful.   Tried Citalopram for 3 weeks, all just made me worse .

12/5/15  200mg seroquol. Still taking 3 x St Johns Wort tablets.....

By 10/15 on 25mg, am 50mg night seroquel.  3SJW. Plus last 2 weeks, lots of herbal stuff, and homeopathy drops.

 

Am going to drastically edit my signature, just want to keep a copy of the present signature, before I edit it.

[ang]

Almost legal here too, and USA.   Yes a week ago, if I drank wine, would suffer the next day.  While I drank it I would feel the stress relief, and would often end up writing idiotic stuff on my facebook page.

I didnt feel drunk last night, and I am not craving the wine.  Previously I could cut down, but rarely made it past three days, not drinking.   On this oil, seems to be working, and the alcohol obviously does not affect me like it used to.  Miracle cure for me, I am still hoping

[ang]

Took my herbs at 9.00 am and 3.00 pm yesterday, and cut the SJW to only two.

 

this morning woke up feeling a bit worse than yesterday morning.   I picked up after I got out of bed.  I believe it is not the drop in SJW causing this dip.   I believe it was the fact I took the dose of herbs at 3.00pm, previously took them before bed.

 

So feeling a bit more confident today, about my drug reductions.  Previously if I missed the SJW accidentally, or tried to reduce, sent me for a downer, immediately obvious the next day, and seemed to take a couple of days to correct, when I reinstated the correct dose.

 

It is nice, I am not obsessively scratching at my face, not so much... My skin is awful... will note anything else I think of as the days progress.

 

Oh, I can drink coffee again, a couple of cups in the morning....    like I used to be before all the ADs and stuff.   On ADs I would drink coffee in the mornings, compulsively, and wine afternoon,  I would sleep 12 hours a day.    I am now sleeping 8-9  hours.............  wonderful!  I crave sugary fizzy drinks,   I wasnt sure if that was because I gave up wine three weeks ago now.  Even that is much less, I would drink 6-8 cans a day, now I drink about 3?

 

Taking lots of zinc, to help my skin, that seems to help.  Magnesium is fantastic, if stressed, and needing a quick relax.  I dont need that now....    

 

Herbs I have tried, that DID NOT WORK.  hepatic detox for liver, fish oil, Vitamin C (Arma Force),Astaxanthin  (antioxidant), mega B complex, super greens,   homeopathy, can list the stuff in it later, vitamin C with hesperdidin comples,  folinic acid,  think that is all.  I am not saying these arent healthy,  just they did not seem to help with the withdrawals, or the terrible skin.

[ang]

Just got my hemp seed oil.  This is a totally different product.   It is a healthy oil, much like flax seed oil.  All around the world it is used, no problem, except not allowed to be ingested in Australia and New Zealand.   It is supposed to excellent when put on skin, so I am using it on my face.  It tastes nice too, much better thant he flax seed oil.  It is available in most health food stores....

 

If it works on my skin, will try it on my scabby scalp.. there is hemp oil shampoos as well.  Will report how if it helps.