success ☼ ang: help and confidence needed

[Fresh]

OOh Ang , I didn't realize you were that kind of girl    (lol)!.   I hope you took your protection with you     (the seroquel ang , the seroquel).

[ang]

RE my weekend, my weekend where I was allowed out?         ( Full permission of my 18 year old! )

 

Even with the damn sedative!  I got little sleep  The early morning massages eased me into the daytime waking, soothed away those morning horrors!    

Theres life in us old farts........................   well he is my toy boy, he is only 54... heheheh!  

He is physically not very well, BUGGARED LEG, BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THE LEG?   but mentally alert,  I am physically Ok, but my brain is stuffed (well recovering) PERFECT MATCH!

[direstraits]

"there's life in us old farts"...  you crack me up, Ang...glad you got out and enjoyed yourself. xo

[Tilly]

Erm...you have a toyboy, job, family and sense of humour....steady on kid! You sound too 'normal' to be on here you jammy monkey!

 

AND you get massages!!!!

 

Seriously Ang, I'm thrilled for you! Enjoy  

 

Tilly x

[calithebold]

Hi Ang,

just dropping by to see how you were going. So hi from the other side of Oz

[ang]

Hello calithebold       feeling awful, damn waves of ruminating.....  wish it would pass.... how many times do I have to go through the guilts, feel everything is my fault....        get over it, then it hits again, like a cracked record, keeps replaying!  Turn it off  

 

Had a low day yesterday, did have a shower and went grocery shoppping today, that wasnt too bad  (my son carries it all in and puts it all away)....  wish I had some damn energy!  How well gotta stop wishing, just hope it passes, and I feel better in a week or so.

 

Wanted to go out to an old car show today, just couldnt make it..........   

 

How are you?

[AliG]

 I hope this all improves for you soon,   Ang.   I know you will find some peace  & healing. 

[ang]

Hi Alig    I have been going thru my signature, and diaries, trying to update.   My last med to give up is seroquol,  I was on 200mg in March, and somehow have got myself down to 75mg.......   so feeling awful is probably my own fault......             anyhow, having a 50% day a couple of weeks ago, is quite amazing, seeing as I have cut so quickly.........................

 

I intend to stay where I am at.   50mg night   25 mg in morning(soothes the morning horrors).    If I find I can sleep OK on 50mg, and not get morning horrors, then I will consider a more modest cut.  Kind of cheers me up a bit, I should be expecting to feel awful, and no wonder I sometimes feel I am getting nowhere,  but I am if I am coping somehow, and am on so much less of the poisons..........

 

I need to be a bit more rational in my cuts from now on.......  I will have to read the thread how to make a liquid or something, but that wont be till after Christmas, I expect.

[calithebold]

Hi ang

I'm sorry to hear you feel so crap. It's awful when we have days like these. I remember what it was like coming off of pristiq earlier this year, I had only been on it for three weeks but I had wd for about twice that amount and that was horrible. It has taken me a long time to get off the extra drugs that my old doc put me on over the last year or so. She was horrible. Now I have another five drugs to go. It's kinda overwhelming to know that I have this many and I've only just started my proper taper. I read about many of you and your journey's and it's scary actually. You have gone through so much and you know what? You're still here   which is always a good thing

 

Anyway, hope you're feeling a little bit better today

[ang]

Went out on Monday (long weekend)  to visit my rare clivia plants, on a block I have 1 hour away, no water, just shadehouses.  So difficult, the shadecloth had blown off, many dead, just time to re evaluat, cause I aint well enough to go out there each weekend, and havent organised to get water put on.............  such a shame to see my beloved plants and business, go down the gurgler, but I am not wasting my efforts on them when I am not well.  Just a downer.......

 

After my last post, I have actually upped the seroquol,  I cant afford to lose my job..........   and I cant stand agony, when I am so miserable, I upset my son.   Anyhow, gone back to 100mg........... (total),  just a trial.........  I find if I sleep too long, will know time to cut again.

 

Anyhow, had a 40% day at work, no ruminating, with dosage increase.....was feeling much more ""in the moment"... instead of ruminating all in my brain..... and was well enough to attempt to organise a cleaning lady, and while I felt good, organised a visit Thursday afternoon to see a homeopath  (also a chiropractor).........   someone somewhere on a recent link, said make plans, to find new ways of healing, while I feel OK, dont wait to do it in desperation when I feel bad......... good advice.

[ang]

I was well enough to get a cleaner!  My house no longer has two months of cat food smeared in the kitchen lino,  my son and I had to pick up the stuff on the floor (may only be in boxes, but its a beginning)... I now have a dining table that is clear to have food on it!  hahaha!   heaven!  And all that damn cat hair, all gone!          Oh, and the smell, is so clean!!!!

[melanie]

I was well enough to get a cleaner!  My house no longer has two months of cat food smeared in the kitchen lino,  my son and I had to pick up the stuff on the floor (may only be in boxes, but its a beginning)... I now have a dining table that is clear to have food on it!  hahaha!   heaven!  And all that damn cat hair, all gone!          Oh, and the smell, is so clean!!!!

Well done, Ang! Congrats!

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Mel

[starburst]

Hi Ang

Just been reading through your thread. You are a real trooper, an inspiration. I love your humour. And you have a toy boy too! I'm impressed. Hope you are feeling good today. You can come and clean my house now if you are up to it ;-)

[ang]

Hi princess, my first cleaner, had bolted already, gotta find another................ dont blame her!!!!  

[ang]

And if only I could feel well enough to enjoy my toy boy!@  aggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Well I got a dining table now, maybe a candlelit dinner, my place  ???? ))

[starburst]

Yes Ang! get those cook books off the shelf, wipe off the dust and start preparing a sumptuous dinner party for that toy boy of yours! Don't worry about the cleaner, you can find another but toy boys, well they are harder to find ;-) Music, candlelight, Oh I can see it all now! 

[ang]

He ducked around today, and I as usual was feeling awful and in a dressing gown...............    candlelit dinner, oh I wish, I just have no motivation, no energy, no anything  

[starburst]

Don't worry too much Ang, that time will come xx

[JanCarol]

Ang sez (in March):

 

Beyond Blue obviously gets funding from big pharma...

 

Nope.  I checked on this.  They are completely independent.

 

BUT - that said, they still buy into the model that the drugs are "life saving," because suicide, you know, is bad, and drugs "prevent suicide."  Sigh.   Totally "status quo."

[AliG]

 Hi Ang,

 

You're getting there.      Day by day  !   Small, incremental steps, that add up in time . 

 

( Beyond Blue, Is a  ......... Joke !!  )  Government agency !   Say , no more !    :blink:

[dalsaan]

Its not pharma money that motivates Beyond Blue its ego

[AliG]

 So true, Dalsaan !!       How ridiculous !

[ang]

Thanks everyone for the info on Beyond Blue...........    Oh dear, depressed, better medicate before it gets worse.........  In reality, it is the meds, that send people nuts,   Its not the ""pretend illness", its the medications............

 

I wish I had realised that all my sisters suicide attempts were due to the medications,  she always thought the meds stopped her feeling suicidal...........  but she never attempted it before the meds. And I wished I had known her spending, and her bankruptcy, were also a side effect of the meds................... Anyhow  I trusted her, so at a much older age than when she went on them, I did.........       I never ever, been suicidal, or felt that bad, until now, trying to get off the damn stuff, the ruminations, the guilt, is so damn horrible..............and the fact I destroyed my life on that damn effexor.  Ex husband getting married next March, still love him....... but I also know that is probably just ruminations and guilt....... how do I stop these thoughts, and just move on?  I feel jealous of everyone, everyone that to me seems happy..............?  How sily........... 

 

So frustrating, that even though Beyond Blue (thanks for info), maybe are not paid by Pharma, they follow the same fraud..........   same fraud trials, same fraud that the pills help people,  and the ones that go nuts, well my god, it seems an unwritten law that these pills are wonderful,  they aint.......... but not many survive them to say, no they AINT GREAT, THEY DESTROYED MY LIFE.......  lets hope I survive.       All absurd........  I should have known better than take any of the damn things.

[direstraits]

sorry,Ang...this is so awful that they get away with destroying us....never felt like this before this crap...would give anything to go back to just feeling "depressed". afraid of not surviving this;feel like my life is over....so scared.

[calithebold]

Hi Ang

Sorry you have been feeling so horrible. I had a horrible one yesterday and I must admit that it got a bit dicey there for me, so I know how those horrible thoughts can sink in their teeth and make you feel bad. I hate those feelings and it seems like there is nothing you can do to stop them or help them to go away, just let them move on on their own. They can't stay at the peak level without it dropping at some point. Thinking for you and hope it gets better soon. Hugs!

[ang]

Thankyou calithebold  yes, the ruminations and guilt are horrific............  if I was thinking as a well person, they would be in a little box, filed away and forgotten about, but on bad days, they just go around and around in my head........

 

direstraights,  yes, but dont let them win........ I refuse to, I will get well, and damn the more of us that get well, and speak, as well people, about the traumas of these drugs, the more self esteem we recover, and the less powerful they become..................           the damn psychs and pharma, that blame us for not "tolerating their drugs"                  well I havent met anyone yet who has done well on these drugs, they think they are, think they can give them up, then realise they are addicts, all the while self esteem, self confidence, reputation, spirals downwards...............   damn I am stubborn............ I am in it for the long haul.

[ang]

I must be moving on to the next stage of trying to heal,   yes, the Iridologist, the chiropractor, the live blood tests........... I now have 12 supplements, and the homeopathic stuff for under the tongue, twice a day.    Anyhow, I am sure the fish  oil, magnesium is helping...........  

 

Now got supergreens !!!  fantastic, five servings of green vegetables, with some lovely seaweed and other green stuff, all dehydrated, ground up, and all you have to do, is mix it with water, hold your nose, and swallow it!

and of course I am acid, so I have Alkala (baking soda and other stuff, only cost $26 for 150 grams.....).tastes even worse.... now????     can I mix all the horrible stuff together, and swig all at once?  better not!  The alkala (makes you alkaline, comes all the way from Germany...???  baking soda must be better from German???)/////    comes with urine test strips, to test the urine, to make sure it becomes more alkaline. Well tested at 5.8, apparently should be 6 or above, but took the sample in the morning, when will be more acid................ damnit!  I want to find something wrong with me, so I can fix it!

  

Am taking so many supplements, dont need to have an appetite!  Got my mega vitamin B, my liver detox, my antioxidents   (well my live blood test showed damaged red blood cells, from all the free radicals, apparently).  

 

Need 3 tabs of zinc a day.....  

 

given up on the three apricot kernels a day, no sign of cancer, so will give up on that till they see cancer  

 

Anyhow, was lovely speaking to the lover alternative health people, and who knows, if I am all fixed in a month or so, I will recommend.................

 

I must say, they both took a really involved history, before the iridology, or the live blood test..........  but I was brought up amongst skeptics, and I absolutely trusted mainstream medicine, and pharmaceuticals........... I learnt my lesson there................

 

And I am finding it all so interesting, as  I was a pathologist, I know haematology I know chemistry....................   and I do see sense in the alternative health thing.

 

Probably just a stage I am going through, seems most people go through stages of trying anything, just to feel a little better........ and the fact I actually ventured out, to try it, maybe I am feeling a bit better.

 

If Fresh is tuning in, the CES, thing you are using, would like information, would like to try that................  and while I am trying different things, nice to know I have the energy to try them..........I didnt have this energy 6 months ago.............

[AliG]

  Ang,

 

Breathe !      You're doing well   !   .

 

Love, Ali.

[ang]

Hello, short story time..... needs a bit of polish, but from my heart.

 

A dog being called……..   

 

Finally went into centrelink today, over 3 months working, wonderful, no ex sister in law stalking me and getting me sacked, no ex husband, threatening to kill me……….   Lots of horrific memories all those last 6 years or so, begging centrelink to help, only to meet with the damn Male centrelink fella, that also dealt with my ex husband…………and of course ex husband comes across as a wonderful fellow.... 

 

Anyway went in today, proud to say I have a job now, only training wage, but new beginning, no stalking, haven’t got sacked, my depression is accepted, as I  mostly babysit an office, and as I get well, and as I conquer the effects of the stalking, death threats, trauma of the last 10years, and as I regain my confidence, and ditch those horrific drugs, called Ads, I should be proud of myself.

 

I was strong enough to go into centrelink,  I saw that man sitting there, and damn hoped he wouldn’t call my name……………..

 

Well he got up, I turned around, and from a distance of 15 metres, he rose his middle finger, the initial gesture an up your arse....... and yes, started beckoning to me to come…………….   I felt like a b****, a dog, being called by a whistle………….

 

I went I sat, and he said   “””oh  so you have income to declare”””   I sat, feeling at the mercy of this man, who had beckoned me like a dog with his crooked flicking index finger………….  

I finally thought of my own health, my own future, and my desire to mix with only those who want to help me, so I asked him, very politely, if I could be seen by another person.

 

His immediate reaction… “no one else is available”…………..  perhaps he saw my expression, yes I thought, that is fine, prefer to come back many times, so long as you don’t serve me.

I took a seat again, and waited, as he told me to do………  I did, and I saw the most wonderful, genuine, lovely lady………………  and I kept my tears at bay, and thought over and over, how lucky I am to now have a homeswest house, no longer homeless with a 16 year old son…… No longer having to live in the end of a shed, in an illegal slum  (yes rent assistance paid for this slum by centrelink)…….

How lucky I am to have a home, and my son has now been able to complete year 12, how lucky I am to be able to pay my bills, and not have to resort to packets of sauces from foodbank, as that is all they have, the non wanted items, with no food nutrition………  How lucky I am to have a new job, training wage, enough to focus myself away from the depression of withdrawals from the addictive and horrific drugs called antidepressants, that I was on, 12 months ago………….

And most of all, how lucky I am to have the confidence, to reject a bastard, in centrelink, who beckoned me like I was a dog.

[brassmonkey]

Well done Ang!!!  Such improvement in the last few months, it's wonderful.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

[calithebold]

Hi Ang

I'm so happy for you that you were able to stand up for yourself. What a great accomplishment! I bet you feel super proud of yourself. Centrelink are horrible to deal with at the best of times so I am glad you found a nice customer service person to assist you, sometimes I feel they are few and far between, though in saying that I have had a few nice ones. 

[Altostrata]

Very good to hear you're doing better, ang.

[starburst]

Ang you are a trooper. I am so glad that you can see all the blessings that you have in your life now and are thankful for them. Sometimes just focussing on the good stuff is all we need to turn our thoughts around. Good on you for standing up to the centrelink bully. 

[melanie]

Hey Ang,

 

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your ex getting married in March next year. I imagine how much it must hurt. I went through a similar experience once. It was a long time ago, in 1999.

 

I ditched my boyfriend (my mother influenced me to do it) and concentrated solely on having a "career". For over a year. He got married in the meantime. And all this "career" thing proved to be a big delusion.

 

I was on Prozac then... And benzos... Oh, and pdoc started me on anti-psychotics already. In order to get me off benzos.

 

I loved this boyfriend, we were together for three years. I was so young then... Started Prozac right after we split. Out of desperation. It was my first SSRI ever...

 

But... would you like to get married to your ex-husband again? You divorced for some good reason I think.

 

And your job right now is the most important thing you got. The second priority after regaining your mental balance, reducing meds, caring for self, the house and your 18 yr old son. Maybe you got these priorities in different order, but "a new boyfriend" should be at the bottom of this list IMO.

 

Love will find you Ang... Don't look for it. Love comes like sleep, unexpectedly. Just keep on being active.

 

I try to follow your thread as much as I can... You're one brave Aussie girl. You will make it.

 

I will answer your PMs. You're in my thoughts. But right now I'm exhausted for writing so much on this site.

 

Today I'm in the mood, who knows when the mood returns...

 

I tend to isolate and withdraw because of suffering. Like a cat...

 

Big hugs to you, keep healing

 

x Mel

[ang]

direstraights,  I know exactly how you feel, I was there for a long time too.......... bar another wave, I feel, just like I did when I was depressed, a long time ago, aged 16, and I got over that in 12 months, no medication...............      so I guess I am doing well.  Of course, I am greedy, want to feel 100%,   but feeling simply depressed, I never ever thought, would feel so wonderful!!!

 

I think also, previously when I tried supplements, that did not help   except the fish oil and magnesium   (magnesium does calm the anxiety, just a little).  I have seen two holistic healers, and got the supplements, so whether it is just that I am well enough to care for myself, or the supplements, I dont know, they are not doing any harm!

 

Also I read on a fb thing, think of three things you are grateful for, each day.   I do this every morning, every afternoon, and every evening......  that seems to help also.

 

I just seem to be in tears a lot, especially when I read this site, at least I hold it all in at work.  Perhaps it is relief, that I think I might actually make it through this!

 

The absolute main improvement the last two weeks, is the anxiety,  has nearly gone...........   I dont seem to worry about what might happen.....mornings are still bad, I do believ if I could just leap out of bed when I first awake, at dawn, would be better, but when I lie there, the cortisol, whatever, not quite as bad, but always worst time of the day.  

 

The ruminations, are still there, but, much, much less.  Not feeling the horrific guilts so much anymore.............  guilts at damn everything I ever perceived I might have done wrong in my life, and damn regrets.........

 

The  fatigue isnt so bad, but damn the enthusiasm is still very, very lacking.  I still only do the minimal I can............. 

 

AliG  thanks for your support,   I hope I continue to feel OK,   seems like I am anticipating the next dive.   I do find I am useless on weekends, no structure, no motivation, so sit and do nothing, or else just have naps..............    at least I am so lucky to have some structure by working weekdays (well babysitting an office)...probably would be better if I was busier!  Still cant push it, just go with the flow.  I hope you are improving also, will have to catch up on your thread.

 

brassmonkey, congratulations, you getting so low in your taper, and you been on this stuff 20 years!   Hope you are feeling better.

 

Thanks Alto, for dropping by my thread, and Princess Starburst and cathlibold,  yes it is true, just focussing at least three times a day, on three things I am grateful for, is almost self meditation.......   so instead of focussing on a nasty centrelink man, yes so glad I asked for someone else, and yes, she was great.     Seems I conquored another hurdle, have so many horrific memories of centrelink, and if all goes well, I should not have to go back in there for quite a while.    This lady gave me lots of information.....

 

And melanie  your advice is very very good, thankyou.............  instead of just thinking of the initial first few years of my marriage, perhaps I should focus on the last few, and they were not very nice.  I guess I am still getting used to discovering myself,   I met him when I was 16, and never ever put myself first, until we separated.  I guess I am just sort of jealous,   he would be happier now, kids are all grown up, and he is earning so damn much now....                   I guess a lot of ex wives feel that way, we put in all the hours, the effort, brought up the kids, and worked, ........(he was never there to help with the kids)..........and end up with nothing............ and his new wife, now goes on the holidays he refused to take me on, and gets all the luxuries I never had...............      I guess I should be happy that he is happy, still love him, cant live with him.........  too late to go back now..   Just kind of hard, wonder if things would have been different except for the "relationship breaker" called effexor........  but maybe Alto is wiser than me, seems this is just rumination. and neuro emotions, I am sure when I have recovered more, will see the ruminations for what they are.... just nothing.  

[ang]

I think I know why I am teary eyed,     looking deeper.  My 18 year old just started his exams..... and soon he graduates for High School.......    

His next sibling in Daniel, who graduated three years ago.... this son was living with my ex at the time, ex didnt want me at the graduation, so I got no invite......  the headmistress was so upset, she said "oh just sneak in and sit at the back"...  my son had only been with his dad for two years,  before that I cared for him nearly totally.... anyway, the ex only wanted the one son, of two, and we began sharing daniel, 50/50... didnt work.....the ex was using him to keep an eye on me, and brainwashing him,,, so I had to let him go.....   I couldnt sneak in and sit at the back, my son Daniel did not get me an invite, as his dad said not to.........

Anyway, my daughter, around same time, graduated from University, again I was not invited, her mother in law minded her baby, yes even mother in law got an invite.....and of course her dad was invited, but not me.  I was the one who got her enrolled, encouraged her, and so proud how she succeeded. Yep lots of kids, and two degrees.......... so proud, but not there to see it.

well now, with James,  I said,  YES YOU ARE GOING TO BE AT GRADUATION, YES YOU WILL INVITE YOUR DAD>>>>>>>>>>>  we discussed it, and he chooses not to invite his fathers partner, so I suggested he invite his grandma, his dads side, so his dad would have someone with him..  This is the grandma who told me "You deserve to be hit".....

 

Me I am happy to go alone.................

 

Kids only have one mother, and one father, so damn I am so proud of myself, I dont use my kids, to hurt their father............ as he has used them, to hurt me.