success ☼ ang: help and confidence needed

[ang]

And three things I am grateful for.......................  all my kids are over it all now, they thriving...................  and I did have a good conversation with one, so he understands, so, so much more............

And damn,   my two boys when I separated, brings a smile to my face,  oh good, get two presents for birthdays and christmas!  And James now?  he said life was not good, when he was a child, in a bad household,   so maybe I should get over the guilts that he has had a hard time for so many years, he isnt worried, so why should I be?

[ang]

Apologies for all the raving,,,,,,,,,,, if it is not appropriate to discuss on this thread, just let me know!  Time to see a counsellor, or perhaps, just write it all in my damn diary.

[direstraits]

Ang,I know how hard it is to let go of the past and not let it overwhelm us,but we have to try to give ourselves a break, and know we tried to do the best we could at the time,we're only human, and we all make mistakes.

 

I like the idea of finding three things we're grateful for everyday...that focuses on the positive,not the negative.good for you!

 

I've just been feling so sick but have to believe it will get better soon...need to get thyroid checked,again like Alto suggested..

 

wishing you better days ahead...xoxo

[ang]

Well I have contacted the lawyers in Sydney, that are working on Zoloft and paxil cases.

 

My notes on paxil  

 

I went on Aropax (Paxil)  in 1997, gp gave it to me for tiredness (what a gem), hadnt been on any drugs for damn 3 years............... I was mad in three days, hospitalized, and saw 5 different gps, it was a long weekend.   By the Monday, I managed to find enough coins for the telephone, and by 7.00 pm, after dragging myself to the third phone, that was free, and worked, in the hospital, rang my husband to collect me.   They tried to keep me there, but they couldnt,  thank god there was no psych ward in those days............  I went home, still couldnt sleep, then found some temazepam old stuff, and managed to sleep.  I only had the one packet of aropax, and the temazepam I had in the cupboard, and worked out how to taper what I had over 3 weeks,     god knows how I survived.

 

 

They had no idea in the hospital, around midnight or 2.00am  ….  I remember one night, sitting in the nurses office, while they laughed at me, as I sat on a chair, but could not turn my head to look at them,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah, the typical crazy.... damn the drugs,  it was worse than hell................ but like a dying person, managed to escape that place, thank god.

 

 

So I guess, when I am feeling the depths of despair, at WD, I just have to remember how I felt, that damn long weekend in that hospital........... and god, I am grateful....  nothing, would ever be that bad....

 

 

At the time damn Paxil (Aropax) was being flogged to General Practitioners, they believed what they were told........... even as a damn sedative?:

 

[ang]

Thanks Dire Straights..... yes get thyroid checked, and everything else, they will let you check, fbc,   lft,  if you have coverage for it..........  and get kidney  tests done.   xx   I was on effexor, not good for liver or kidneys...  hows the heart?  citalopram is horrible on the heart, but you were only on that one month.....  ask for an ECG.... why not?  

 

Oh gosh I sound awful, but gosh, if we can find a physical thing...........  maybe that would help?

 

I might go back to doc in a month or two and re check everything, and see how my physical side is improving............  to got from stage 3a kidney disease, stuffed liver, high blood pressure, high cholesterol to near normal, just by giving up damn effexor....... I had no idea how deadly that stuff is both mind and body.  

 

at the moment sticking with my billion herbs, and homeopathic stuff, I actually think it is helping a bit..... even if it just gets rid of my horrifically dry, scabby skin...........only two weeks so far.    And I am losing weight, fantastic, finally got rid of my damn walrus neck............  the legs rubbing together went months ago.  I used to be thin, always, so it aint age made me fat, was the damn drugs. I even fit back into some size 8 jeans again!    I was always size 8 bum, gotta dig out those old clothes!

[calithebold]

I also contacted the lawyers in Sydney about Aropax which I also went on in 1997 but as an AD. Was on it for about 1 year give or take then CT straight to effexor. Lucky me :-/

[ang]

So I guess health update.   Hair has stopped falling out.  Gosh it was so bad,  felt like I was going bald, hair everywhere!.    Even now has a bit of a shine!  

 

Skin still horrifically dry, scabby face and scalp. I just scratch, and bleed.... horrible!  aggh, any other suggestions?

 

Losing weight, legs stopped rubbing together months ago,   and now my horrible Walrus no neck has become a chin and a neck!

 

My gums are still puffy and awful, but not so awful when I brush my teeth now, so I think that is improving immensely.  No bleeding anymore from the gums?

 

Eyesight is improving, dont need those magnifying type 1x glasses anymore, although sometimes have to hold the written word at arms length!  Thats great, if I forget my glasses, I still can do the water testing at work..  I can actually still read the measurements on the vials (just).  

 

My feet arent so horrifically smelly, thats nicer!

 

Because my sense of smell came back, and I could smell them.......      I can now smell my own body odour, gosh couldnt smell it before, wondered why my sister kept giving me deodorant for my birthday!

 

Still have days where I dont each much, comes in waves.......... thats fine, I am way fatter than the me pre drugs........  so I guess my body just does a fast every week or two  for a few days, so I am not worried.

 

main problem is my horrible dry skin, keep scrating....... suggestions, welcome!  I have to wear a cake of makeup to go to work, then I scratch, and I look like I have leperosy or something, or the typical drug addict scabs......................

[starburst]

It's funny that you mention the dry skin Ang. That is one thing I have suffered with since being on AD, also dry hair, terribly terribly dry hair. Never thought it was connected to AD, just thought it was getting older or something. I spend a fortune on moroccan oil, hair shampoo and anything that I think will help but nothing really does! Coconut oil is good for my face though, just a little bit goes a long way. Tried it on my hair and put too much on and it ended up greasy. Went from one extreme to the other!

[ang]

On ADs    ..I also used to get constant ear problems, ear infections, then they said it was aqua ear or something,  at night as I sleep I still have ear pain............   that is just Antidepressants also.... 

while on the ADs I didnt know, was constantly at doctors with ear problems.

 

ANYTHING you feel, is usually caused by ADS, the hair falling out, my horrific dry skin is since going off the ADS, my poor eyesight, was all ADs...   the ears, definitely.  At night my head hurts, not like headache, just head hurts, like my brain pressing against my scull, and just hurts.

 

When I went near  CT, off them a year ago, the nausea, the explosive diahorrea, the horrific hot cold flushes,  the fevers,   I was so ill.... physically ill, like worst flu ever...  still at night, I dont know if I am cold or hot, blankets on, blankets off, need a cold pillow for my head................. I find it hard to turn my head, like my spine, neck is so stiff, at night my neck is stiff, so I toss one side to the other, blankets on, blankets off, ears hurting............   but I am grateful I can sleep....just have to keep changing position.

 

On the drugs,  towards the end,  I drank like 12 cups of coffee in mornings, and wine all afternoon.............    was horrific... used to put wine and water, or drink wine after picking kids up from school..... I never ever before drank too much........   I look back now, horrified, I just didnt see it at the time....  

 

Now off the stuff, I dont crave coffee, and I dont crave alcohol .........       the alcohol has just become an evening habit about 5 days a week, another problem I will get over, but I only drink like 3 glasses a night now,  on the ADS, damn I could drink 2 litres of red, and not pass out!  

[ang]

Facing old demons.   The getting together of information, now I have half a brain back, is bittersweet/.  I am getting medications and reports together, both for a book I will write one day, and for the lawyers in Sydney.

 

Anyhow the drug I was put on by a damn gp....  I picked up my list of past prescriptions...... I am horrified.

 

This is my draft letter, I do not intend to send it just yet.   I intend to send it to the lawyer first........

 

Hello Doctor xx

 

I thank you so much for returning my phone message yesterday, after I contacted and left a message on your home telephone on Tuesday evening.

 

I collected the list of past prescriptions, and worked out what the medications were, that led to a chain of events, that led to me see xx in Perth, to recover.  But damn the effexor she put me on, destroyed my life.  I was unaware what this drug was doing to me…… I am sure all psychiatric medications do this in the end.

 

A lawyer in Sydney is now taking on court cases, over the fraud of Pharmaceutical companies, who market these drugs.   One example:  GSK have been fined 3 billion for the paxil for kids, fraudulent trials and paper written in 2001.  Another outcome was that GSK had to hand over original trial data, which has now been revisited, and the correct trial data, and report was published in the British Medical Journal this month.  Information can be found at study329.org.  The true results showed that paxil was not at all “safe and effective”, and in fact 11 out of 97 children in the trial, attempted suicide (the trial ran for 3 weeks), one was actually going to go home to murder his/her parents.  After research, I have found every big Pharmaceutical company, has been fined for fraud, some many times, all in the last 3 years.  Of course psych drugs are their best product, as they are so addictive, and people damaged by them, are merely regarded as “mentally ill people”.  I intend to fight this perception, and hope you will support me.

 

Paxil was prescribed to me by a doctor in your previous surgery, for exhaustion in October 1997, and within three days I was in the hospital.  Unlucky for me, it was a long weekend, and as you well know, in those days, it meant I ended up seeing 4 different gps in 5 days  (it was a long weekend).  On the Monday, as the drug mixures actually wore off a bit, I managed to find enough money for a phone call (no mobiles then), and after three attempts, actually found a public phone, that worked,  in the ARH.  I rang my husband and he collected me.   Thank god it was pre G Ward, or the hospital would not have let me go, and I would be dead by now.   Anyhow, I left, and I tapered the drugs I was given over three weeks,  a bumpy ride, but I survived.

 

Anyhow, a horrifically abusive marriage, and lack of help for myself, my two babies, plus a girl in primary school, and a boy just started high school, a mini farm to run, and an absent husband  (he worked away, to escape, he never wanted the last two kids)….   They were the result of a failed vasectomy by Dr xx, feel free to discuss anything about me, with Dr xx….     He is a genuine person, a friend, and he cares.

 

Anyhow, I survived those psychiatric drugs, that were given to me for exhaustion.   I took no more of anything from 1997  (those horrific three weeks), until I saw you, in hindsight for exhaustion, and an abusive marriage, in 2003.

 

I remember thinking you were my friend, and confiding in you, that I had achieved in High School.  I remember telling you that I had been the Dux of my high school, and that I was top in 5 subjects out of 6 and in the final 6^th subject, that I was within the top 5% of the state.   I remember clearly, how you shook my hand, and said “congratulations”..  I was so happy.  I had not been able to tell anyone that I was actually quite an intelligent lady, and so happy, that I no longer had to hide that I was gifted as a young woman.    I thought I had found a friend.  My husband never allowed me to mention these things, and of course, in 1976, if one was an attractive young lady, of course never ever mentioned I was what is now called “gifted”, as that was not acceptable in those days, and of course, as my mother always told me  “”men don’t like women smarter than themselves””, then again she was born in the Victorian era.

 

Now I am going through the medication list your practice provided me with this afternoon, I remember many things.  Many things that have puzzled me since then.  I remember you prescribed, one set of tablets for night, one for morning.   I remember seeing you again, as my mental health began failing miserably……. You allowed me a prescription of temazepam. According to my records I used 25 tablets in 3 days. I remember at some going back for another script, the next day  (yes the tablets sent me nuts), and you were amazed that I had taken 9 tablets, the night before.  Ah well, I was meant to survive, and you wisely refused another script, prescribed me 2 tablets, and referred me to Mental Health. Bail out?

 

Originally, on the 5 February 2004,  when I went to see you I believe I was mentally well, just exhausted. Running a mini farm, having two young children, two teenagers and an absent husband, was taking its toll.   He didn’t want the last two kids, so he expected me to raise them, and work.

 

Now I find out what the handshake, and the congratulations, at my achievements, when I saw you on 5 February 2004, really meant.  You didn’t believe me, despite the handshake, you prescribed me antipsychotics.  Yes, thus the original prescription for the Chlorpromazine hydrochloride  (largactil),  a damn antipsychotic drug, that day you shook my hand, of course not believing my achievements, and what it meant to me, to be accepted, as a mother, with an abusive husband, who could actually tell her GP, yes she once achieved. 

 

I truly believe you prescribed me an antipsychotic/schizophrenic drug, when I was well, because you did not believe me, when I told you that I was dux of a school of 1600, top student in 5 out of 6 subjects, and top 5% of the state for the 6^th subject. You pretended you believed me, shook my hand, and prescribed an antipsychotic drug, how dare you?  You totally misunderstood me, and in that 15 minute appointment, judged I need antipsychotics.

 

I am now nearly off medications, after a two year battle, and hope to write a book, when I am well. My marriage has been destroyed, my reputation in xx destroyed, my self esteem is in tatters. Due to stalking issues, after separating from my husband, I could not pay the mortgage, and lost the house I had worked to own for 30 years.  Yes the pills kill, they kill hope, sanity, self esteem and of course, my reputation.

 

I hope to write a book, and hope you will help me in this endeavour.  I hope you will never ever judge me as psychotic, when all I was trying to do was confide in a friend.  I don’t know if I ever will, totally recover from  the antipsychotics, antidepressants, and sedatives, that have been prescribed to me over the years.  Why? Because people just don’t believe me, my name is on the board, xxx  Senior High School, and next time I open up to a doctor, I will take my awards with me. You could always, just have rung them, and asked, if you didn’t believe me.  Shame you didn’t tell me, that you didn’t believe me, instead of judging me psychotic.

 

Yours sincerely,

ang   15 October 2015.

[ang]

So upset, this bastard gp, pretended he believed me, and shook my hand, then prescribed me antipsychotics.

 

If you are a woman, who just wants to raise a family, in the country, and you are meek and mild, yes they judge you as psychotic, when all you want is a friend...... a friend who you can confide in, say how your husband and his family dismiss you, how before you left your home city, you had credibility, self esteem, worth,                     damn the doctor just shook my hand, didnt believe me, and prescribed antipsychotics, that sent me nuts, again in about two days........... 

 

So glad I didnt tell him mensa wanted me to join, at my graduation night, and in those days, had no idea what mensa was,   if I had told him that, I would have been sedated and in a straight jacket.

 

I guess what I am trying to say, is psychiatrists, and seems gps, just judge everyone to be dumber than them, and what a worry that is.  Honesty, would have been great, he could have said,   I dont believe you.... instead the bastard shook my hand, congratulated me, and prescribed me damn antipsychotics?

God!

[AliG]

 Ang,

 

So sorry for all the pain.  I hope you find what you're looking for .  Some sort of acknowledgement and /or some retribution.

 

Hugs,

 

Ali. x

[ang]

I am kind of laughing,  so weird, realising the only reason, for my effexor addiction, and psychiatrists, was because I confided in a damn gp, who didnt know me..... I knew him, but of course gps have so many patients, he didnt remember me.............     I was so pleased he shook my hand, I was stunned, thought I found someone who understood, what it is like to be a gifted person, when you dont want to be a gifted person, just wanted to raise a family........................      all he did was congratulate me, and prescribe antipsycotics?                  

 

Sorry I am laughing, like I lost my life, on effexor, for 8 years, lost everything, why?  because a stupid gp judged I was psycotic, cause I told him I had won awards.................... laughing, and crying, all at once. 

[ang]

Thanks AliG  I have found what I am looking for,   and it is so ridiculous... my life destroyed my ignorants, called doctors............  it is called arrogance... the doctors the psychs, judge you in 10 minutes........... and prescribe horrific drugs, without even clarifying if you are telling the truth.   They are so damn arrogant, like no one is smarter than them, if you pretend to be, you must be psychotic.

 

Wish I had been born dumb, they would never have medicated me.

 

I have found the problem...................called arrogance, dismissiveness, and judgmental people.......................never go to a doctor, without damn backup, someone to say, yes she IS TELLING THE TRUTH.

[ang]

*moved from symptoms forum

 

I read something, on this site, but wasnt signed in to respond.  Think it was in recovery stories.

Anyway she said that quetiapine, made her madly itchy.............. gosh my last med to give up is this one, and my face is covered in scabs, my skin so dry, my eyes so dry, my scalp covered in scabs......

 

I think while I was on so many "numbing"medications I probably didnt scratch...........

 

Anyone out there feel the same, does quetiapine, seroquel, make you scratch,  my face is horrific,              

[Altostrata]

See https://www.druginformer.com/search/side_effect_details/seroquel/burning%20sensation.html

 

http://www.drugs.com/sfx/quetiapine-side-effects.html

 

http://doublecheckmd.com/EffectsDetail.do?dname=Seroquel&sid=11319&eid=3242

 

and other reports of Seroquel and skin rash or itchy skin you might find using Google.

[ang]

Hello friends,   I apologise for my rants.  But I forgive myself, I am amongst those that understand  

 

Anyhow, I need advice.

 

I am surviving, can go to work.  Ruminations still there, but not so bad....                Guilts are horrendous, I try and block this as it is not real, neuro emotions gone wild! When I do have a good window, I realise how ridiculously hard on myself I am............. 

 

Mornings are improving....   Awful to get out of bed, but I can actually stay in bed, dozing a bit,  I could not do this previously, as the random horrific awakening nightmares would just be too bad....  I am finding my ability to actually, relax and not be overwhelmed by these horrific intrusive random cortisol type awakenings.... well improving.  Still no motivation, like zero.  

 

Still only shower every 2nd or third day, cause I have to.......  yuck!!  But it isnt summer yet!  Thank goodness...

 

My anxiety is no where near as bad.....  a great improvement.  

 

My skin is horrendous, so dry, all scabs on my face.   Same as my scalp.... it is getting worse.  I know my water here is bad, but seeing as I only wash my damn face every third day, cant blame the water.

 

My scalp is the same.   I read now that my last med, seroquel can cause this.   I am trying lots of fish oil, lots of skin moisturisers.... to no avail.  While I was on so many meds, my skin wasnt as bad, probably all the poisons cancel themselves out perhaps?  Or I was too doped up to notice, or too sedated to damn scratch.

 

Anyhow, as per my signature,  I have done big jumps down on the seroquel, last six months..........     I want to jump from 75mg to 50 mg.       I find if I cant sleep, get too low, as I cut before, I could up my dose by a 25 mg  amount, like every second day, or a few days......  seroquel seems to have a more immediate effect.       Honestly my skin is so bad, it is terribly embarrassing, and makeup doesnt cover it, and I dont want to lose my job over horrific face.

 

The only reason I reinstated the seroquel, was to be able to sleep.    

 

Anyhow, hope my friends are also improving, I hope so much that we all keep up hope............     If I keep my job, in about two years, I will be able to purchase a home again............. so I still have a future. Doesnt seem like it when I am low, however........ I certainly had no such ambitions 12 months ago!  

 

And good news, so proud of my youngest son, (well so proud of all my kids)    he is nearly18.......and  despite the homeless situation for about 12 months, previous to finally getting homeswest, well his first exams for school leaving, not so bad!  75% for maths, 43% English,  Distinction for his building unit, and he jagged Geography at about 63%,       however we will not mention the biology mark!  So well done James, so proud of him.    

He is the sort of kid who comes home and tells me how badly he has done in such and such.................    he is his own pressure!  Bought him his black trousers and white shirt for his graduation in a month or so...............    still got major exams to come....  

 

having to remind myself of the things I am grateful for everyday, is a good technique, to help me focus on the positive, as I am presently way, way too negative.   I think that is just a part of healing for me....   I see life, like my son, but only some days do I actually feel like I am a part of it....  weird sensation, like being in a bubble... not able to relate.              

[brassmonkey]

Have you tried vitamin E oil for the skin?  I use it on blemishes and burns and it works wonders.  If you can't find the oil just cut open the gel caps and us that.

 

One thing I do with the ruminations is greet it with "oh it's you again, we've been through all this before and worked it all out. You can leave any time now." and then just go on with what ever I've saw doing when they interrupted.  Fighting with them only gives them recognition and power, while ignoring them takes the wind out of their sails.

 

Well done for James, and best of luck on his last exams.

[starburst]

Hi Ang. Well done to your son on his exams! yay for small victories that make us see the sun again.

 

I find if I force myself up each morning upon waking and take a shower then it is by far the easiest way to accomplish the task. If I get up and stay in my pj's then I am likely to stay in them till lunchtime and the shower becomes a distant memory! The less AD I am on the more my self esteem seems to come back. I even thought about going to the hairdressers today and that is a rare occurrence!

[ang]

Hello Pricessstarburth and brassmonkey

 

Had two days feeling absolutely exausted, day off today, spent most of the day in bed.   I feel like I am drowning in the WD, I just feel so low.  I forgot my sJw a couple of days ago, and think that was the trigger.  Oh god, I am so tired of this life, of sadness.

 

I just have no abillity, even to do the dishes, nothing, like a zombie........ 

[direstraits]

so sorry,Ang...I'm in an awful place myself..so much ruminating about the past...guilt feelings...it's hell...hang on..we'll get there someday...xoxo

[ang]

DIRESTRAIGHTS, THE RUMINATING!!    ah hate caps lock, that is the hardest................  and I know, when I am feeling better, like the ruminations are ridiculous.......... just gotta keep reminding myself, forget the ruminations, they only happen when i feel low . aggghh! They only happen called withdrawal syndrome..........    my mantra.......... anyway after a week of feeling like death warmed up, am feeling better.   

 

Hate those waves!!!!!!!!!!

 

Anyway, now back on the right dose of SJW  (accidentally missed a day, god, did that rock the boat)...................maybe?

 

so damn, I am upping the St Johns wort  (got bigger damn tablets   ) and am going to get off the seroquol asap..... (about 6 months maybe .    see how I go.

 

If I am just on herbs, and damn they dont have the horrific side effects of the damn drugs, I will survive!!!!!!

 

Anyway, I am setting up my poor neglected business again, my australia clivia............. damn.  I love those plants...........

 

I feel well enough today, to focus on what I actually enjoy, hope the enthusiasm lasts!  Oh, I even did the weeks dishes, scraped all the mouldy food in the bin, gosh the kitchen smells better!!!!!!!!!!

[direstraits]

glad you're doing better,Ang...I think I'm a bit better today,too...hope you can get your business going again...good to keep our minds occupied...that's what I need..

 

just remember to be careful with changing doses of the meds...you don't want to make things worse...slow and steady is the best.

 

take care...xoxo

[melanie]

Hey Ang, how are you doing these days? Congrats on James' exams, you have a wonderful son. Glad he's taking care of the cats! One day you will be taking good care of them and of yourself, I'm sure...

 

Don't even consider buying a puppy (you wrote about it once on my thread) until you can take good care of what you already have... especially the cats and James.

 

And your own healing, in the first place.

 

Be kind and compassionate to yourself.

 

You are in my thoughts all the time.

 

Hugs,

Mel

[Pugknows]

Ang,

 

I find your writing to be absolutely captivating. You so succinctly put your emotions into your narrative in such a way that I lose all sense of time (and withdrawal symptoms!). Thank you for the much needed rest and distraction from my misery.

 

I will pay for and read your book cover to cover once it is published. I look forward to reading the very last page where it will say, "I am completely healed 100%. In fact, I will say I'm 150% healed because I am 50% better than I have ever been in my life."

 

Love to you, Ang.....Pug

[Tilly]

Ang, 

 

You have been on my mind for the past few days. I tried to message you a few days ago but was unable to as your mailbox is so full of fan mail!

Please clear a little space when you get the chance so that your friends can check in on you. I have noticed that you have been absent for a while. I'm hoping that it is because the progress that you are making is causing your life to be so full that you haven't had the time to check in with us.

 

Get in touch when you are able - no pressure at all. Just to let those who care about you know how you are doing.

 

You are missed here.

 

Sending love & hugs your way as always 

 

Tilly x

[ang]

Hello Tilly and Pug and Direstraights and everyone.   Well I think I no longer have a job, he cant afford my wages, that is all.  But might be a blessing, as I am so exhausted it is a damn struggle just to get to work.   I am not improving, every day is agony.   dont know what to try next?  

 

Now windows, nothing....   No appetite, no enthusiasm, just keep dragging myself along.  It is getting so damn tiring.

[direstraits]

Hi,Ang,

 

I feel exactly the same ,sorry about the job. (((hugs)))

[ang]

Hello Dire    and everyone!         here is something on a lighter note, I have yet to read it all, but I will have a giggle when I read it fully,  I hope...........    memories!!! hahaha!  I never got sanctioned, they lied, and told me I was, but I never was, I was voluntary............. long story, anyhow.     http://speakoutagainstpsychiatry.org/how-to-escape-from-a-psychiatric-hospital/#st_refDomain=m.facebook.com&st_refQuery=/

 

 dire   anyhow, think we both gave up the SSRIs at the same time.... I'm still on 75mg of seroquel, and take St Johns Wort, and I try and stay steady on that.  Been to live blood analysis, and homeopathy.   I did learn I need to take heaps of zinc, and yes!  my skin and scabs are finally going away....  makeup covers it now!

 

bout my job.............   boss was paying me less than award wage, supposedly as a training wage, I discussed it a couple of times, as he said the pay would be reviewed in 3 months, and 5 months later, no luck, so I rang wageline, and yes, he owes me backpay, illegal what he was paying.   Anyway, I mentioned what the award, or basic wage was, and no more work for me.  Anyhow, I was getting suspicious, as I certainly wasnt a trainee, I was running the office totally by myself, 3 weeks out of every four  (he was 450km away)...........   So not sure if he is genuine (he is going to pay me all my back pay tup to the award wage)... and I finish tomorrow............  or if he has done this before, and knows legally he has to pay me the backpay anyway, and of course, he did mention he is getting a university student for the summer break, for three months, and he doesnt have to pay them anything.  Maybe it is one door closes, another opens.

 

I need to keep my brain active, and try and keep clawing my way out of the abyss, so I will do some more study. (unless I find employment that keeps my brain active, AND PAYS A REAL WAGE).  I think I will do the Dip of Business, then if I so choose, I could move to Perth, and do another two years and get a Bachelor of Business.    My son is 18 now, that would give me another year here, and by 2017, he may be heading to Perth to study, or whatever.  I no longer have responsibilities then..,....   I have had kids dependent on me for 35 years........  kind of strange being able to think of doing something away from Albany, away from 8 years of horrific memories, stalking, marriage breakdown................death threats.........the antidepressant nightmare, and losing anything I got in the divorce settlement.

 

We gotta keep trying to move forward, and keep our minds on the present...........  I hope it works for me.

 

I actually think I am improving slowly, and perhaps the lack of enthusiasm, has been the stress of applying for jobs, and perhaps realising I got conned, yet again.   But anyway, the five months actually dragging myself to work nearly every day, has been better than staying home....   I dont think I am actually in front financially, as I couldnt drag myself into centrelink for about 4 months, and all the weeks I worked over 30 hours, means my DSP automatically got cut....(I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A PAYMENT REDUCTION ... wrong!.....)   and 30 hours work was only $426 after tax, ie less than the pension that got cut.   On top of that, now homeswest, dont seem to understand that I have a centrelink debt, so they have taken into account my wages, and my DSP, and now say I owe them $1200, and if I dont pay in 2 weeks, this b++tch will evict me..... (not likely).   I hate homeswest and centrelink pretend bureaucrats., hate trying to get ahead, only to be treated like a criminal  what have I done?? perhaps my problem is being too damn honest............ anyhow, am working on that one....      however, all these things do tend to tip the balance towards  """STRESS""""  and actually I am amazed I seem to be handling it OK.

[ang]

I truly believe, every artificial "high" you get, whether Antidepressants, Ritalin, whatever, yes, you do pay for the happy credits, as misery in the future.. if you are lucky, you repay in misery, ....... if you are not lucky, you pay 200% back in misery to the DEVIL for the loan. Some are strong enough to survive this repayment to the devil, others are not so strong. Meanwhile, the devil pays all his dues to the establishment, to keep him with never ending victims............... the fraud continues, I call that the devil in disguise.......... FDA, CDC, WHO, and most of all USA big Pharma.

 

Just something I wrote elsewhere, and I truly believe it............ Ying and Yang...................  If you need drugs for the Ying,,,,,,,,,,,  makes no difference, it has to balance, and you will pay for your artificial drug induced high, with the same in the Yang....                  however, if you dealing with the devil, as most of us are on this site, the devil wants interest,    so the artificial happiness I got on the drugs, now has to be repaid, with interest..........   Lets hope for low interest rate:)

 

My youngest graduated tonight, so proud,  was a lovely evening.......... God,  I actually went out to look for a special thing to wear!!!!   I took time, getting ready, getting there, ............................................................and 12 months ago, damn I coulnt leave the house......... so grateful, I think I am recovering..............

[nz11]

Hey ang you are writing some great stuff.

 

I truly believe, every artificial "high" you get, whether Antidepressants, Ritalin, whatever, yes, you do pay for the happy credits, as misery in the future.. if you are lucky, you repay in misery, ....... if you are not lucky, you pay 200% back in misery to the DEVIL for the loan. Some are strong enough to survive this repayment to the devil, others are not so strong. Meanwhile, the devil pays all his dues to the establishment, to keep him with never ending victims............... the fraud continues, I call that the devil in disguise.......... FDA, CDC, WHO, and most of all USA big Pharma.

 

Just something I wrote elsewhere, and I truly believe it............ Ying and Yang...................  If you need drugs for the Ying,,,,,,,,,,,  makes no difference, it has to balance, and you will pay for your artificial drug induced high, with the same in the Yang....                  however, if you dealing with the devil, as most of us are on this site, the devil wants interest,    so the artificial happiness I got on the drugs, now has to be repaid, with interest..........   Lets hope for low interest rate:)

 

My youngest graduated tonight, so proud,  was a lovely evening.......... God,  I actually went out to look for a special thing to wear!!!!   I took time, getting ready, getting there, ............................................................and 12 months ago, damn I coulnt leave the house......... so grateful, I think I am recovering..............

 

Glad you are now able to leave the house....i can relate to that improvement for sure.

[DLB]

That's funny, I blame it on big pharm. anywhere as the Paxil that ruined me was from England then Canada then India . Don't forget GSK is British . So there is where I lay the blame. Without getting political it is really easy to blame USA we are used to that being in the position we are in ,but the problem is everywhere and India is the drug making capital of the world.

[ang]

It's funny that you mention the dry skin Ang. That is one thing I have suffered with since being on AD, also dry hair, terribly terribly dry hair. Never thought it was connected to AD, just thought it was getting older or something. I spend a fortune on moroccan oil, hair shampoo and anything that I think will help but nothing really does! Coconut oil is good for my face though, just a little bit goes a long way. Tried it on my hair and put too much on and it ended up greasy. Went from one extreme to the other!

Take heaps of zinc, it works to clear up the horrific scabs,    I have taken heaps of fish oil, that doesnt even seem to help much.    Yes all effects of the Antidepressants.  When I went off the ADs 12 months ago, my hair was falling out, it was everywhere.   felt like I had had chemo or something, when I hadnt.   That took about 6 months to stop.   But the dry skin and dry hair and scalp, it is horrible.   I try and cover it with makeup, if I have to go out, but the makeup even irritates me, and my eyes go red..........    Cant win.

[ang]

Hi DLB, Inida may be the drug capital of the world, but they are not the ones making the money from it, like you said is the big corporations, GSK, Merck, whoever........   The drug testing they do in India, is all fraudulent    .   Easier to fraud all the tests in a poor country, with little regulations, and little compassion. 

And if they get the drugs passed by FDA, that is the prize.

[ang]

Help me anyone, anyone, anywhere.............. going thru a bad, bad one, need help, need some one anyone to write to me...................hugs to you all and your own battles, just so, so damn hard at the moment.  Please reply.

[ang]

I need some support from dear friends...  havent read recent posts, jus desperate for support./

 

 Help me please.........................xxxxxxx