success ☼ ang: help and confidence needed

[AliG]

 Hey Ang, I'm glad you're doing well.  I can't sleep !!  I wish I had some drugs , as I'm going slowly but surely  "mad" !!  Can't take this much more. !!

[ang]

You aint mad, hugs to you, I hope I can send some sleepy sandman sleepy dust to you tonight..............U  are well AliG and you know it, everything from now on will be damn easy!!!!!  However, if you want drugs, I got a real stash, I no longer use,. what do you want  

[ang]

One week now on only 75mg seroquol.............  Seem to be handling cut ok. I am still in a much better place mentally than I was 3 months ago.  Sleep was affected, and woke up with the horrors after only 4 hours sleep,   that has settled now, back to normal sleep, and only semi horrors when I wake......Should I give myself a break for a bit before cutting anymore, I mean like 6 months...?  The problem is always the same, though, like having my brain back, maybe staying on the stuff that long will not help me............maybe getting off the drug completely, will?  We are always walking a damn tightrope,  I just want the old me back, I get glimpses now and then, of what I might feel like when I am through this nightmare..............  it keeps me positive.  

I want some energy back, some desire, to do anything!  I used to be so clean, so houseproud, enjoyed everything be neat, now?  I just dont motivate, none whatsoever, even for things I used to enjoy......  Well I am heaps better than when WD hit.......... and that was only about 12 months ago............. so I am, actually grateful....   I know others are suffering, as I did in the beginning, and it makes me cry........ that I can do nothing, except say I am doing, lots better, and you will too...................   ...........

[WinningThrough]

Ang, I'm glad you're seeing some improvements. That's good news. X

[AliG]

 No . Just kidding !   I would never touch the stuff !   That's why I'm awake , I don't take anything !!   Only magnesium & occasional Valerian. 

[ang]

Hello everyone, attempted to edit my signature, tried three times, then it says not accepted, and it disappears, and I have to do it all over again, will try later?  Shame  it just wont go back when I press the back arrow, to my last edit, but it doesnt,,,,,,,,,,,,,  aggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!  If that is my grumble for the day, must be doing OK.  Now today, I really do have to mop the kitchen floor, I did the bathroom/loo about 4 weeks ago,  now time to make an effort in the kitchen, got as far as sweeping it last week.......... wonderding if I can just mop it, mouldy cat food and all?

[ang]

On 75mg seroquol, and 3 x SJW  and surviving, seem to be on the mend slightly, after last cut.  Am trying to take probiotics, for some gut health, still having tummy troubles, as we all seem to,  gutting gut pains now, if they dont stop will stop taking the pro biotics.  Maybe my gut has just woken up?  

I was taking magnesium, did help, but accidentally bought a mega magnesium complex,  yeah MAGNESIUM BIG LETTERS,  everything else little letters......... so not game to take it. Advice welcome, it also has (now I have my damn specs on)...selenium, proxidine hydrochloride (Vit B, apparently?),cholecalciiferol (which they recon is Vitamin D3), should I take it or not worth the risk?              and four different forms of magnesium..........

For the Saint Johns Wort, I am sticking to the same brand, as I find different brands, upset me.

[ang]

http://complete-health-and-happiness.com/fasting-three-days-can-regenerate-entire-immune-system-study-finds/ I think this is true, I have found during WD, i can go a day or two eating nothing, not even hungry, perhaps it is my bodys way of healing...............  I havent panicked that I will die, I just dont eat....... I am going through that at the moment, then I go back to eating again.......... I am fat enough anyway!

[Tilly]

Hi Ang

 

I've just caught up on your thread. Congratulations on your new job!!!  Amazing news! You must be so proud of yourself.

 

Your family day out canoeing and fishing sounded lovely.

 

You are making real progress and seeing many improvements. I'm thrilled for you!

 

Just take it slow and steady with your remaining medications. It is not worth rushing the process and undoing any of your hard work and progress. 

 

Keep up the great work! 

 

Huge hugs as always xxx

[ang]

god I hate this, cut tablets, all over the place, now did I take the tablets, or didnt I????? buggar!  I assume I did, oh damn it!!!!!!!!!!!! get smart woman, put it in a tablet box!  I did this once before, sure I took double, worse than taking none

,,,,,,,,,,

[Tilly]

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

[ang]

Well boss was back today,  omg.......... I felt like my brain couldnt remember what I did 5 minutes ago, I was struggling............. like I have alzeimers............ thank god, I bluffed my way through the day.......... well I have told him ( about three weeks ago, before I did latest cut!  )   that I hadn't been well, and this job was wonderful for me................... so thats cool.  He must have more confidence than me, that I will actually be more useful!  Or else thank god, I havent stuffed up things too badly yet??????????

 

Just want some energy, some spark!  I feel like a big useless blob, with no brain?  Gosh my biggest challenge, every day, is getting out of bed and taking 25mg seroquol, so I dont vomit............ have held the vomit at bay, so far................

 

But I guess the good thing is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    , I actually know I am useless!!!  I didnt know that while on the effexor      that makes me smile!

[ang]

Maybe the eight years  of being overly enthusiastic, hyper, believing I could do anything, arrogant, abusive   ( on those wonderful   ???? drugs??) god I was sO stupid!!!!!!   got off the stuff so many times before, but always blamed something else, not the drugs...... NOW I BLAME THE DRUGS, OOOPS MEDICATIONS!    

maybe it will now take me the corresponding eight years, of exhaustion, feeling remorseful, feeling timid, PUNISHMENT FOR MY IRRATIONAL HIGHS? .........................?? Well one year gone now off the stuff, only another 7 years of balancing  

Every upper has a downer, whether it  be coffee, wine or drugs..........8 years on drugs, being hyper and and a more over the top reckless person that was not me................ well lost my house, now why did I buy three kitchens, for a house I hadnt yet built??????? oh dear!  well 1 year so far paying the penalty, another 7 to go?        Nah, wont take that long NAH, I was  crook on the drugs too.but they blot your brain, and you cant think, well I couldnt anyway.!!!.

Why the hell did I believe them, when they said I was depressed?  Yep, like wow, a hippy on LSD, is this what life is meant to be  (that was dothiepin)....  wow, I'm flying, does everyone feel like this, so great, damn I didnt know everyone feels like this?   CRASH!  psychiatrists are just drug dealers, end of story......................  ;but I never drank, never smoked, never touched drugs, silly me, till my sister took me to the love of her life (I didnt know that at the time), her beloved psychiatrist........... ughhhh!

[ang]

Feeling too poorly to go to work today, not a good sign..................  oh well, keep plodding, and try and keep away visions of me swallowin all my pills............. god this is so hard!

[AliG]

 Ang, Has something changed ? You were feeling so well . Are you doing anything differently ?  Did you take anything else ?. Vitamins/supplements, anti- biotics ?   I hope things settle back down , for you.    Ali.

[ang]

Not that I am aware of, one day I wasnt sure if I missed my seroquol or not, but slept ok, so I must have taken them.  I dropped to 75 mg about 10 days ago..... of the seroquol, perhaps it was just the drop.  I just feel awful,  emotionally just want to give up.

[AliG]

 I understand the feeling, Ang, but you will come through this triumphant, as you are a " survivor". Just hang on through this wave. Life will look sunny again, as it did for you before.   Ali.

[Petunia]

Ang,

Did you drop your night time dose from 100mg down to 75mg? This is a 25% cut, we recommend 10%.

 

Although I'm a bit confused because on August 23 you wrote that you were down to 50mg. If you have dropped your night time dose from 100mg down to 50mg, but still take 25mg in the morning, that's an even bigger cut.

 

If you are not going to taper slowly, like we recommend here, you have to expect, or at least be open to the possibility that you are going to get withdrawal symptoms and feel awful.

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Tips for tapering off Seroquel (quetiapine)

 

You have already been through too much suffering in your life, please slow down your taper and be kind to yourself now.

[LoveandLight]

((Ang)))

[Tilly]

Thinking of you Ang and sending you love. I hope that this bump in the road passes very quickly. You are doing amazing and are very much loved here. Please tread carefully and slowly with your cuts in medication. Slow and steady is best where these powerful drugs are concerned xxx

[ang]

hello dear friends, hope you are all surviving,  I am surviving.............. so as long as I survive, the only way is forward,  Hello Tilly,   god bless you, you keep my inspired, to move on to keep battling.......... 

just survive, and we will get well            xxxxx

[ang]

I am feeling really awful, couldnt go to work today............. does it ever improve?             hope for a better day tomorrow, hope I can manage to have a shower.

[ang]

I managed to get to work Friday, and went to the health food shop.  Now I am trying Vit B17 (apricot kernels), fish oil, Magnesium and zinc.  And Vitamin C.  Dont know what else to try, havent eaten muchfor a few days, no appetite.  One improvement this morning, I did wake up feeling so physically nauseous.

[ang]

Thanks Petunia, yes probably went too fast,  25mg morning, 50mg night of seroquol.........  I tried to edit by signature, about three times, but lost it all.... will try again soon.  Too late now,    Anyway, I have never really felt 100%,  most I have ever felt is about 40%  ............. at the moment of course, less than that...........

 

tell me again, we eventually all get well?  Is it worth it, in the end?

[Fresh]

You'll get well if you stick with the program Ang . . . we just can't outsmart the process.

 

Hope you feel better soon , 

[ang]

But I dont think I will Fresh,  I been sick now for a damn year...........................I have a few 40% days, then crash......  gosh, if only I could bo back ten years, have my marriage, my damn life........ all gone...  I never drank much, never smoked, stayed fit.................... but damn trusted a doctor......

[ang]

I think I am suffering grief, for a long lost life, I will never get back.

[melanie]

Hi Ang,

 

I also feel that grief. For the wasted life. The worst thing though - is I cannot enjoy the present moment. So much suffering.

 

You at least have your job, to keep you going. I only have my Kitty. She keeps me alive.

 

Big hugs and lots of strength,

 

Mel

[ang]

Felling a bit perkier this afternoon, lets hope the wave passes, cause it is drowning me.

[melanie]

Ang, I'm also hit by wave after wave.

 

But hanging on and waiting. Patience is what I must learn...

 

Just trying to be good to myself. It's terribly difficult.

 

Big hugs to you,

 

Mel

[ang]

Well got my head above the water today, yippee..............  I didnt know if the wave ws caused by too much wine one night?  who knows,   

I also started heaps more supplements, but who knows?

Lets hope we do the see saw bit Mel......  you perk me up and keep telling me I will get through it, 

When I am thru it, I will tell you to hang in there..............  the wave was only about 10 days................  it is so nice, when there is a glimmer of hope...........

Four months ago, I did not think I had a hope in hell of working, the best I could do every third day, was do the dishes, and every week have a shower..............,,,,,,,,,,,,, and a month after that found employment, and have been well enough to keep it  (just).. ..........   maybe there is a god, who knows?

[brassmonkey]

Wine, or any type of alcohol for that matter, has a really bad habit of tripping off waves.  I really glad you're coming out the other side and starting to feel better.

[ang]

thanks brassmonkey.

 

I am also taking more supplements..... worth a try, and they certainly are not doing any harm.....    I do think they are helping.........

[ang]

And not so hard to stop drinking now, while on the effexor, or zoloft, it was impossible.................  

[melanie]

And not so hard to stop drinking now, while on the effexor, or zoloft, it was impossible.................

 

Hi Ang,

 

Zoloft's side effect is an awful anxiety, which makes you need a CNS depressant like alcohol, benzos, neuroleptics, etc. etc. There's a thread somewhere on this site - about the relation between SSRI's and increased alcohol consumption.

 

Maybe some of the admins could help you find it. Or search for yourself. The thread could be helpful...

 

Started reading your thread, such a big family you've got...

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

[ang]

Enjoyed my weekend, went out Saturday for chinese takeaway with a friend, came home Monday morniing   YAY!  Maybe there will be a life for me somewhere!