☼ Cymbaltawithdrawal5600: Introduction

[Nikki]

Hi cymbalta. Did you find that grooming was a pleasant distraction.  These pleasant distractions are good for us or should I say me.  It is progress that you did this.  Give yourself a pat on the back.

 

Yes, I get the skin crawling thing.

 

Temperatures....I posted in symptoms the other day....titled "Chills".  I never get chilly living in Florida and could not understand the intense chills.  I had a virus.  It is going around here.  Some vomiting too. It is going around.

 

the line blurs between WD and just other regular run-of-the-mill stuff.  I have to be careful not to blame everything on WD.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Nikki,

 

No the grooming was not really distracting because I was tense. I find I am uncoordinated and shaky and anxious the whole time. But they were happy and that's all that counts. I imagine it will come back to me soon.

 

You sound as though you are a bit better, your family situation is a hard thing to bear, especially in WD. I hope you are coping well. You are very strong and focused, you seem top make it through to the other side of things with determination.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yes, today the physical symptoms are lighter but the sense of futility and depression is crushing. No interest in anything. I hate posting such negativity but I don't know what to say. At least the sun is out, I am grateful for that. And I am grateful that mom is still healthy and so are the cats. I am grateful for my hugely supportive friends and I know they are all pulling for me. I know these are neuro emotions because I have no objective reason to feel so without hope.

 

I started to clean the car. I have let it go so terribly. Got the front passenger side done and I am pooped.

[Meimeiquest]

I felt horrible this morning until I took a walk in the sunshine. Could you do that?

[mammaP]

Hi CW, I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better. It's been awful for you lately so I hope

the wave is starting to settle for you. Well done cleaning the car,that's a huge step!

You will get there, baby steps, in the sunshine.  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Meimei,

 

Yes, I took a walk, the sun felt good. I've been to the store, ate a chix quesadilla from dq, and am sitting here wanting to jump out of my skin again. Nothing is helping, this depression is like a steel vise. sometimes my mood will all of a sudden pop in the late afternoon, it just hasn't done it yet.

 

mammaP, I see you just added a reply. I am not feeling well at all today, I wish I was. I slept a tiny bit better last night but today has been so very difficult with my mood. I so wish I could get some sleep so I could stop thinking for a bit. I know things are not as bad as they feel.....

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

last night was able to actually lay down without my heart starting to race. I got mostly rest, maybe some sleep. I had to keep rocking myself in bed to stay calm. the cortisol rush came at about 430 but it was not bad at all. the worst is the constant jumping around of my thoughts. Even with a lovingkindness mantra.  maybe tonight will be better?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

was out with a friend earlier in the day to another art show, I had to go sit for a bit in the car because I was getting wobbly. Mild anxiety at times.

 

got my first sleep after dinner in the chair, doubled over. woke up with my gut aching and of course not feeling rested. Cooked some dinner as I had not remembered to earlier, egg and cheese sandwich was all I could muster. finally got in bed and had difficult time getting settled. finally fell asleep, woke up as it was getting light and then miraculously fell asleep again till 830 am.

 

I found some more lactium, this time it is the one for adults. It has some herbs mixed in with it, can't read the ingredients right now. Seems to work ok and didn't cause an upset. maybe it was what helped me get more sleep.

 

the depression and hopeless thoughts are still here. I admit to sometimes sitting here and constantly refreshing the page looking for new postings. finding it hard to read anything else, mind won't engage.

 

so I am a tiny bit better and am grateful for that and hope it continues.

[mammaP]

It's really good that you are a bit better CW, even a tiny improvement is a step in the right direction.

Hopefully this awful wave is calming down and you will have a good window. 

 

I know what you mean about refreshing the page, when I am feeling bad it's all I can do too. Facebook

and here , refreshing every few minutes but not posting much. It's like a lifeline I can't let go of in case

I drown!  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yes, it is a tiny improvement. I tried to do some work today but had to stop and not do the second dog brushing because the first one tired me out too much. I am back home with the long day stretching in front of me. I thought I would be tired enough to take a nap but no such luck.

 

Thanks for checking in on me mammaP!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I go into my mom's room several times a day and she will rub my neck or my head for a bit and it helps to calm me down. She never refuses me but I feel ashamed that I am not stronger than I am when the pain is intense. Today she told me that she thinks I am afraid and she is right. I am afraid of all that I think will happen in the future and I will not be strong enough to cope. I have to write these fears out or they are going to keep making me miserable.

 

I am afraid of the boredom I am feeling right now. I am afraid of being alone and lonely. I never used to feel loneliness until recently when this wave hit. My mind doesn't engage with anything, no books, TV, stuff on the internet. I was consumed with reading anything I could about 'spiritual awakening' stuff and now all that fire is gone in the reality of what has happened. I am full of the awareness of NOW and how much I dislike my 'now' because it is so colored in fear of the future. I see all of the mistakes I have made in my life, how I always looked for a 'way out' of what I was feeling. I don't know how to feel good unless it is by doing or comparing. I can't seem to DO anything to feel anything else except this fear.

 

When this boredom becomes mixed with withdrawal pain (which is not as bad as it was days ago) my fear increases. Today when I started to sweat and my back hurt from leaning over the dog, I got scared again. I remember what happened days ago and just have this assumption that the same will happen tonight when I try to go to sleep. Doesn't occur to me that it might not. I read the stories of others, especially giak, and I am more ashamed because her (and their) suffering has been so much greater and yet they are surviving. Fear of an unnamed future has to be the worst. If this was only depression, could I survive it? Can I survive if I never get this house cleaned up? Can I survive if I lose my mind? How likely is it that that will happen?

 

Lots and lots of fear. I fear losing all of my clients (because I cannot do the work) and not ever getting any more. I fear losing my friends because I am not doing well. I never realized how much I needed to have friends, I always thought I could take care of myself and up until now I could., Now I have no confidence in my abilities. And the biggest fear is that I won't ever feel good inside. During the summer, as I was reading the 'power of now' I actually felt some moments of peace just sitting and looking out the window, not worrying about the future. But that was not getting the job done on the house and in my work.

 

I had to get this out. I am feeling like I have presented myself here as someone capable and strong (and not suffering the ill effects of withdrawal) but now I see that it was a false bravado. More and more I look over the events of this past year and see how I have been having symptoms of withdrawal the whole time and just could not see it till I got this sick. I let myself get sidetracked by airy fairy thoughts of 'awakening', hoping to get a fabulous new life. I think a fabulous life comes from hard work, making the hard, not easy, choices. I doubt my ability to turn things around. Boredom (or I should say the inability to get engaged in anything) and fear are my biggest enemies right now and I have no faith that things will get better.

 

I feel a bit better for getting all of this out. I hope no one reading this gets as discouraged as I feel right now. I have faith in the abilities of others, just not in my own. I am ashamed of the desperateness I feel inside. And it is still hours before bedtime and my prayer that the little bit I overdid it today won't cause the pain to come back.

 

At least I can send thoughts of love and healing to the sufferers here. If it was not for this website, I know I wouldn't be able to cope. I now know what it is like to suffer as you have been suffering.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I am getting some sleep from about 10p till ??? I don't know how much because I have turned the clock away so I don't fixate on it. Lying awake in bed till morning then I get up. The palpitations and back pain are greatly reduced but I still have the burning and crawling sensations on the top of my head. Mood is still low but not as black as it was some days ago. Still have a lot of despair and fear of the future.

 

I went to a friend's house and confessed to her how low I had sunk in my life, how I had ended up with such a small amount of social security after being college educated. And how I had let the house stay uncleaned. She was very comforting and understanding and it just felt good to unburden myself instead of trying to keep up a front of being ok. She even gave me a nice shoulder rub which helped to release some endorphins.

 

I am still very fearful. Of everything. Especially of the pain coming back. That was truly awful.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Still have the thoughts swirling around in my head, and the burning on top of head. Sleep is a tiny bit better last night, but still not the whole night through though I am optimistic it will happen one of these nights.

 

Had a frustrating experience with a computer yesterday and kept myself from panicking. It is win8 and I could not do anything with it, it seemed so foreign. I ended up bringing it home to work on and after a whole evening finally got it tamed. I am trying not to let the experience scare me but everything seems so alien right now, hard to tell what is what. Appetite is still depressed but I am forcing food in as best I can. I bought a box of doughnut holes earlier in the week and I have been eating a couple of them before bed. I never realized how much they could contribute to drowsiness but I am needing something to help me fall asleep initially.

 

I am in a limbo, not as sick as I was but not feeling myself yet. Mental anxiety colors everything and I get periods of desperation. My mom has been a great comfort to me, she will stroke my head and I get calmer when the tenseness gets unbearable. Feel like such a child, can't help it.

[btdt]

last night was able to actually lay down without my heart starting to race. I got mostly rest, maybe some sleep. I had to keep rocking myself in bed to stay calm. the cortisol rush came at about 430 but it was not bad at all. the worst is the constant jumping around of my thoughts. Even with a lovingkindness mantra.  maybe tonight will be better?

I have not read every post on your thread and may be out of touch with this but I am curious if you have read and or tried any of the ideas for lowering cortisol. there is an thread of the same title here on SA.  I was just looking at it yesterday and tried some vitamin C last night as it is one of the options... tho generally I would say eat food with the supplement I have never had a problem with Vit C ... I just did not know about it...or had forgotten as often happens with me.....  there are other options too if you check the link.  It may help some.

Peace  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi btdt,

 

I hadn't remembered the vit c, I have some and should try taking some. At night, to get ready to fall asleep. I drink a cup of hot milk and a couple of donut holes. Then I chew a tablet that has Lactium in it. When I wake in the night, I eat another tablet. Usually 2 more. I also keep a cup of mag citrate water by the bed and take several sips of it. The magnesium seems to have quieted my palpitations down quite a bit. This morning I am a bit drowsy which may be a good sign but I am not able to nap during the day. If I lay down I am immediately too stimulated.

 

Hope you are doing well, haven't seen any postings in your thread lately.

[btdt]

Lactium is new to me... or I forgot I tend to have forgetful spell comes and goes.  I have had a family stress as in a surgery and have not felt grounded enough to get back to the Healy suggested meds if that is the thread your speaking of.  I am all over the place doing easier to me things... I need to be able to concentrate to do that thread which right now is not me.  This has been stressful and I when stressed too much ... situational and lack of sleep it can take me a long while to gain solid ground again I will be back to it when things settle.  Maybe after the holidays. we will see.

 

[Altostrata]

Very interesting strategy, cw. I've done similar things.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Alto,

 

I just read your post about the low dose aspirin and have just taken one. I am finishing up my cup of mag citrate water and will soon make another to put by my bed for during the night. I took the powder with me when I went to my girl's meeting today and it is a good thing I did. I started feeling very strange after I got there, something not exactly anxiety and my heart started palpitating. So I mixed up some and drank it pretty quickly and it really did seem to calm me. I had to drink some more on my way home from a computer lesson afterwards. The lesson was difficult and the traffic on the long ride back home did cause anxiety. It helped to get me home.

 

I fall asleep in my chair after supper and at other times while I am just sitting. Guess I am still short on sleep. Maybe tonight will be the night I sleep all night. I am finding it hard living with myself, everything about me feels strange. No peaceful feelings, lots of anxiety then shame because I am so anxious and selfishly thinking about how I feel. Fears of the future and regret about the past. Difficult to reign in my thoughts. Have to push myself at everything and just can't relax for any reason. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture but that is my truth at the moment.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I think the worst thing about this insomnia is the thoughts that come about how selfish and self centered I have been my whole life, How I have wasted what I have been given. ouch this hurts, this look at myself.

[Petunia]

A thought is just a thought, its not the truth. I've noticed how negative thoughts can be during withdrawal...... they seem to come in two types - either critical or frightening.

 

I've had to learn a better way of dealing with these pesky little tyrants, sometimes not so little actually.  I used to believe my thoughts, but not any more.  Recently I read a technique someone uses, can't remember the details but it was like when I thought comes, notice it, thank it for sharing, then send it on its way.  Its not always easy, but the more you practice it, the easier it gets.

 

I hope you get to sleep soon

 

(hugs)

 

Oh! In case you really do believe that you have been selfish.  Just because you believe something, that doesn't make it the truth, we all do the best we can with what we know at the time, when we know better, we do better.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thank you, Petu, for your kind words. In the middle of the night, everything looks black. But I really have been selfish, and frightened for most all of my life. Does no good to regret it now, I really hope I did the best I could. No one forced me to make the choices I did.

 

I maybe got a few more minutes sleep since I wrote earlier. I am grateful for whatever comes to me. I did take another baby aspirin when I woke up but I felt strange some time afterwards. Don't think I'll do it again tonight.

[Nikki]

I fall asleep in my chair after supper and at other times while I am just sitting. Guess I am still short on sleep. Maybe tonight will be the night I sleep all night. I am finding it hard living with myself, everything about me feels strange. No peaceful feelings, lots of anxiety then shame because I am so anxious and selfishly thinking about how I feel. Fears of the future and regret about the past. Difficult to reign in my thoughts. Have to push myself at everything and just can't relax for any reason. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture but that is my truth at the moment.

 

This is the mental image we all seem to have in WD.  You are not alone.  Sleep deprivation adds alot to it.  Do you have what some people call "toxic shame"  I have had lots of it most of my life and WD contributed to it.  It is "false" shame.

 

Can you sit down, and take a paper and make two columns. In the first column write down what you are shaming yourself over. What you are anxious over and why you think you are selfish.  In the second column write a response, making sure that you don't bash yourself, let your pain out and then write to yourself in a compassionate manner to help remove these feelings.  Coach yourself as you would if you were helping someone with their journaling.

 

I find this a helpful tool.  It can help release alot......

 

Hugs

[btdt]

I too think this is a withdrawal induced NEGATIVITY it is not all real. 

Our perceptions are dark it is withdrawal.... 

I think a lot of people who end up in the drug trap get there because they are so very caring and if you do the exercise suggested above and can't find any kind words to say to yourself at the end... 

Think how you would respond to a child who came to you with the beliefs about self that you have... be gentle say this new version to yourself. 

Treat yourself as well as you would this child...

If your brain can't shut down a book and technique called mindfullness.. may help... the power of now is the book .. mindfulness the big trick is getting you mind to shut up a great exercise in the book I will give you now.

 

Watch for you next thought... 

if a thought comes start over..

this state of expectancy stops our brains... or did mine and it was a godsend. 

It takes some practice do it in a quiet place after you are success with it for a time you can use it when ever you want... the most simple things can be the most dramatic.  

I wish you peace. 

[btdt]

If your going to try something off the list why asprin rather than vit C... an orange maybe....

[btdt]

I was reading your introduction, read about the Ecig and wonder if you researched them?   It seems to me I read some information about them lately for a friend of mine who has colitis... 

sorry I am bit foggy on the details I can't recall them but it may be worth you taking a look when you feel like it.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi Nikki,

 

I guess what I mean to say is that for the first time in my life I have had to stop and take a good look at myself and have seen things I never saw before and it hurts. Who I thought I was and the ways I have acted in the past are 2 different things - I always thought I was trying to be a good person but I was fueled by selfish self interest, anger and a host of other emotions. I would guess that maybe I am no worse or no better than anyone else. During one of the talks with my mom she pointed out that I was starting to see the light. She had been hoping for a long time that I would see how I had been acting and take steps to change it. She says she has noticed a change in me, one thing she pointed out is that I have stopped using bad language.

 

My parents (mostly my dad) ruled us by shaming us and I still remember some of those moments. My mom spanked me a lot because I did the wrong things - like not 'being nice' to my sister. I told her the other day that the spanking didn't teach me anything except that I was a bad person, she didn't tell me what I should have done instead that would have been the right thing. She admitted that maybe spanking really didn't work but that is what some parents did to correct their children. I remember being so confused about what to do and it is no wonder I grew up to be a person that always looks to others to tell me what to do and then I get defensive and won't do it. Ah, not much use in going over the same ground over and over. Nothing can change the past. And I am surely tired of trying to fix myself all these years, I give up. The thing about this wd sickness is that there is nowhere to run or hide, no distraction works anymore.

 

I did 2 more dogs today, I have done better work but my hands are clumsy and I was tired. But I made it through. I will either get better at it or not, can't fix that today. Can't fix a future that isn't here yet. Bleak thoughts still come.

 

For btdt: I read power of now this summer and I am familiar with the exercise you mentioned. It does work. And yes, I know about the oranges, just bought another bag of them yesterday. I just thought I'd give the baby aspirin a try and it just isn't a good idea right now, not in the middle of the night.

 

Right now, things are just the way they are. Didn't nod off in the chair after my frozen dinner. I am just not up to cooking much yet.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Sleep about the same, meaning which it is broken up into bits during the night. Stay in bed till daylight anyway. Woke with some anxiety which still persists a couple of hours later. I am managing to hold on which is all anyone can do I think. It is a blessing that the weather here is nice and the sun is out today. It is time to go out for a walk, I think.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Sleep was slightly better last night, must have been deeper because I woke up with a bit of aching where I had lain upon my ear. Felt 'off' yesterday, lot of numbness in my body. Fighting anxious thoughts. Actually felt better late in the day which seems to be common for this.

 

One of the reasons I had pursued meditation so doggedly was I was afraid of falling into that state I had when I started meds where I felt my head being drawn downwards and felt unable to move. I read something here that triggered that memory and I understand now that it was a side effect of the meds I was already on (zoloft I think). My poor recollection had me worrying about something that was not likely to happen. All water over the dam at this point.

 

This is really an uncomfortable way to live but it is all I have right now and I am trying to make the best of it. As we all are.

[JanCarol]

I'm going to pipe in, even though you're not on the same page as me, I'm on page 8 of 15. 

 

Just to say that I, too, was a "seeker" before the meds.  I had some extreme experiences.

 

The reason I want to quit is I want to recapture that inner sense of "human," of "connected" of "god-space" or "Self"

 

I've listened to Gangaji, Papaji, Ramana Maharshi, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Starhawk, Margot Adler, Joseph Campbell, AE Waite, and even Alistair Crowley - and Oh Yes, Tolle.  I've practiced Yoga, meditation, sitting zen, mindfulness, witchcraft, earth magick, and altered consciousness.   And stuff more "esoteric" than that.

 

 Every so often I've been less than cope-ful with the Real World, as my own Dad would call it.  And went for the meds.  I had a multiple series of short runs of SSRI's / SNRI's, always the "latest greatest" until they decided I was bipolar.  Voila, "meds for life," kicks in.

 

I was still functioning (both in Real World and somewhat on a Spiritual Level, though that was crippled due to an encounter with a "teacher") until I came to Australia, and got put on Lithium.  The spirit deflated like a lost balloon, and the functional melted away like butter in the microwave.  Hard to put back together again.

 

I just started the taper of my antidepressant, with the goal of getting off the lithium.  Within a year or two.  Taking it as easy as possible, because I'm not a young thing anymore.

 

So reading of your struggles echoes my own questions and journey and hopes and dreams - will I ever reactivate the "god bean" in my brain?  Regain a sense of porpoise?  (purpose)  Contribute to the world and my loved ones instead of being a drain?   WORK at a JOB?  (OMG, is that possible?) Paint a picture, write a piece of music, dance a dance, fight the good fight?  ANYTHING that is more human than the human I am now.  I know - enlightenment happens only NOW.  and NOW.  But it's tough to remember through the illusion when dead inside.

 

So I'm one of the ones who is reading but just got up the courage to post - mostly because it's too compelling.  And my reason for not posting until now, is it's taken me all week to read this far, and I'm literally not on the same page as you in your journey.  I'm going to have to put it down for awhile and come back.  But I look forward to reading more of your "stream of consciousness."

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi JC,

 

Since the time I first started here I was always writing 'stream of consciousness' stuff, a lot of it pretty silly when I look back on it from where I am now. Now? I've hit a terrible wave and none of that stuff has any sort of meaning for me. I got myself in too deep, spending hours reading stuff and living life in my head when I should have been taking better care of myself. I am not cut out for the life of a spiritual seeker I see now. Some of this may be neuro emotions, but I think it is a huge reality check. My mood is very down and I am terrified of what my future holds because my present seems so non-functional right now compared to how I used to function.

 

I do not know what to say.... I have always searched for something magical or metaphysical in life because reality was something I had poor skills for. And I had all the advantages: loving parents, college education. Just could never make a go of my chosen profession and never got on with any of the men I dated. My attitude was all wrong.

 

I am still struggling with sleep and my work is not very good. I am in a body that feels strange though not as strange as some days ago. At least I am not in the pain I was then. Oh, that was horrific. But lack of joy and simple ease has made my days a long struggle. Maybe tomorrow will be better? I am flattered that you are reading my thread though. Just don't do what I did, CT meds. Do a sane taper and take as long as you need to. Not being very functional is not a good idea. I hope you are well.

[Petunia]

My parents (mostly my dad) ruled us by shaming us and I still remember some of those moments. My mom spanked me a lot because I did the wrong things -..... I remember being so confused about what to do ....

 

 

I had all the advantages: loving parents, college education. Just could never make a go of my chosen profession and never got on with any of the men I dated. My attitude was all wrong.

 

I hope I haven't stepped over some boundary by pointing out this discrepancy, but I get sad when I read your self criticism, its not all your fault about how 'your life turned out'.  As I understand it, our personalities are pretty much set by the time we are 7 years old, so who would be responsible for that?

 

I expect that most parents do the best they can with their children, but sometimes, someones best leaves a lot to be desired.  We learn our attitudes about ourselves and the world from the people who take care of us when we are small.  Until we actually 'wake up' and realize that 'who we are' is not set in stone, there's nothing we can do to change.... and even when we do start to wake up to reality, its not particularly easy.

 

Please stop being so hard on yourself, you are a perfectly lovely person, its obvious that you care about other people, even now, while you are suffering so badly yourself.

 

Sorry to get all lecturey 

 

I'm glad you are starting to feel a bit better.

 

Looks like someone else enjoys your 'stream of consciousness' stuff too.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Thanks for the pep talk Petu, I am just feeling those down emotions at the moment along with being very flat or else worried and panicky about the future. Though I chase the thoughts away, they come back. I am posting to feel connected to something because I feel so disconnected in myself. Everything seems on hold and I haven't found the energy yet to break through. I am just managing to hang on.

 

My personality was probably set as a child but to have reached this age and all of a sudden realize what kind of person I have been causes a great deal of anguish. I just am not the same person anymore but am definitely more timid about my place in the world. The thing about fault is not the key, it is that I am responsible for doing something from here on out to make my life better and I just don't know what to do right now except hang on.

 

I slept only slightly better last night, but each night is an improvement. Some bad moments but they passed. I have bad moments during the days but they seem to pass. I have to be grateful for anything I get.

[mammaP]

Am with Petu here, makes lots of sense. Remember the surfboard? It takes every last ounce of energy to stay on it 

and ride the waves, there'll be windows you can enjoy, then when this ride is over you will look back and see that 

you were being hard on yourself. 

 

It will pass, and you will get better, then you will see what we can see, someone who is caring and warm who

is suffering XXX

[JanCarol]

Hi, I'm back and ready to do some more reading.

 

While I'm behind and haven't caught the source of your current wave, I can tell you just from depressive experience:  do not discount the windows just because you are on a wave!  when you're curled in a ball of pain and cannot see the windows, that doesn't mean they are not there.

 

I hope you are feeling better.  I'll be quiet now while I struggle to catch up!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Hi JanCarol,

 

Nice to see you back and I hope you find something of interest in my musings. That 'person' that I was when I wrote that stuff seems so very far away right now, I wonder if she is still there.... I know this wave will get better, it is really different every day.

 

It is the middle of the night right now. I was sleepy at 8pm so I went to bed. Woke up once but fell back asleep and now I am awake. So I've gotten sleep but just not like I used to. Made myself some warm milk and some bread with butter and after I write this I shall lie back down again and hope sleep comes again.

 

Hope you are having a good night!

[mammaP]

Hope you manage to get back to sleep and that it was good peaceful  sleep for you. .