☼ alexjuice: About

[Petunia]

I am realizing that I must let go of my anger at my old doctors and family members and take responsibility for my own health.

 

 

I also have some anger to let go of and when I read this yesterday, started to wonder how much of my own valuable energy was being drained by holding onto certain negative emotions. 

 

I think that when bad things happen to us, for no fault of our own, we desperately need to have our experience validated and when it doesn't come from outside, perhaps by holding onto our sense of being let down and betrayed, it gives us the validation we need.  But by holding onto a victim identity, it keeps us powerless.  But we need to be seen and heard so we can let go and move forward.

 

Last night I stumbled onto a youtube video of a woman who became sick through exposure to mold, there were no antidepressant medications involved, but many other similarities, it made me think about you because I have been following your thread and know your story.  She has recovered, although the video only deals partly with this, perhaps because its connected with a web site which offers the sale of a book.  She actually recovered on her own efforts, without the book though, and her story is very inspiring.

 

I was going to post the link, but it might be against policy.  Please let me know if you want me to PM it.

 

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better

[alexjuice]

 

Dear Dr. _blank_Here is a summary of my case. I tried to be as succinct as possible.I moved to from Boston, MA to Austin, TX at age 10 when my dad got a good job at Dell which was then a small company. Texas was not welcoming to me. I was bullied and teased. I felt inferior, a ’loser’.During the first three or four years in Texas, my mom handled all of the household work. My dad, at first, seemed busy at work, then he seemed to just not be around. He also made a lot of money from Dell stock options.In my freshman year of high school my father moved out of the house to continue a relationship with his 27 year old mistress. My mother entered a depressive phase and was unreliable. In the absence of parental guidance and oversight, my home became a toxic place where I hid my problems so as not to be taunted for them.During this painful time, I felt anxiety around my peers at school. However, by my junior year, I found my niche among my high school classmates from whom I received validation. My anxiety improved, though my relationship with my family members did not.Everything changed when I went to college. Without high school and with no close family to lean on, my anxiety reemerged. I felt anxious and inferior around strangers and avoided interacting with all but a small group of high school friends who remained in Austin. We smoked a lot of pot and drank. I wasn’t much for drinking or (after a honeymoon period) smoking marijuana either. My friends wanted to go to clubs and parties mostly to try to meet girls. I didn‘t want to do these things because they were very anxiety provoking. Eventually, I drifted away from my high school friends.I recognized my anxiety was getting worse. One night I called my mother and asked if she would send me to a therapist; I had one in mind. She agreed without questions. I started to see a therapist each week. He became the primary supportive individual in my life.Eventually, in 1997, my therapist referred me to a psychiatrist. This Doctor prescribed SSRIs. I was nervous about taking medication but was desperate, and the Doctor seemed smart. One by one, I tried all the SSRIs. But I could never report improvement.(It would later come out that my Doctor was a drug addict and that, during some of my early treatment from Dec,99 to Oct,01, he was in relapse and abusing prescription medication. I do not know if, or how often, he would preside over our sessions and write my prescriptions under the influence. As these things always do, he eventually got caught up in a messy situation and was brought before the Board. His license was suspended but the suspension was stayed. He has not been able to prescribe controlled substances for many years.)Soon the Doctor started playing trial-and-error, adding and substracting medications. Over the next three years I took everything from depakote to buspar to atypical antipsychotics like zyprexa. My condition worsened though I never considered the possibility that the medications were contributing to the deterioration. I experienced major side effects. I gained 80 pounds in nine months. Sleep and sexual function were disturbed. I became more isolated, rarely leaving my apartment but between midnight and 6am. I began to have intrusive thoughts and increased trouble with things like ordering at a restaurant or asking a clerk for a pack of cigarettes. I became preoccupied with the fear that I might bump into an old high school classmate. Avoiding humiliation became my prime goal. And I was very lonely.For two years, when I was 19 and 20, I saw nobody socially. No dates, no dinner with friends, no movies nor coffee. Other than my immediate family members, I had no social contact with other human beings.Around 2000 (perhaps '01), my Doctor changed course, eliminating everything but an SSRI (Lexapro 10-20mg) and adding a benzo (Klonopin 4-6mg). At this point, things improved somewhat.I was able to function to a degree. However, anxiety was always present. At least once a week I intentionally went a night without sleep. I found that this fatigued me to a degree that minimized anxiety and allowed me to talk with others with peace. But, though my functioning improved, there was a cost.When I was 16,17,18,19 I would occasionally drink alcohol with my friends though I had no particular appreciation for its effects. However, in my early 20s I became an alcohol abuser. Its effects felt far more euphoric than I ever remembered. And, in general, I found myself acting with greater impulsivity as time passed. (I was not shocked in the least when I discovered, some years later, Glaxo had added alcohol abuse to the list of side effects on the prescribing insert of Paxil.)In 2004, I decided to stop taking my medication due to the side effects and my lack of faith in them. My Doctor scheduled a very fast reduction. He prescribed phenergan, beutyl, and a catapres patch to safely detox. I followed his schedule and within five weeks I decreased klonopin from 6mg to 2mg and discontinued lexapro entirely.The result was a period of bad withdrawal. I drank alcohol every day for relief. I did little but go from the couch to the bathroom and to the corner store for beer.My doctor was not surprised to see my "symptoms return" in the absence of medication. However, he was chiefly concerned about my alcoholic drinking and referred me to the Sante Center, a dual-diagnosis rehab facility, where I was treated for alcoholism. When I arrived, I was in a very bad way and their Psychiatrist thought it possible I was afflicted with Asperger’s Disorder, Autistic Disorder, and/or Schizophrenia. He ordered an evaluation by a psychologist. He also increased my benzo and restarted me on an antidepressant. Some time elapsed before the testing during which my withdrawal syndrome improved. The evaluating psychologist decided on diagnoses of lesser alarm: Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Depression (without psychotic features) & Alcohol Dependence. However, she was very surprised, after speaking with me, that the more serious diagnoses were under consideration. She expressed, verbally, disbelief at one point saying she didn't understand why she was testing me for what she was testing for. The other thing she put in her report was that she believed my substance abuse disorder was not primary but rather compensatory in response to anxiety symptoms (that I was, as they say, 'self-medicating'.)The Sante psychiatrist continued to try me on neuroleptics (Ability, Seroquel, Geodon, if not others) in spite of his Evaluator's report that I was not currently psychotic. The main results were side effects such as exhaustion, fatigue, oversleeping, weight gain. The staff worked hard to achieve my 'surrender', my admission that I was an alcoholic in need of a program (AA). I was at the rehab for over 150 days so their convincing eventually took a good hold in my mind.I was discharged with a new batch of meds and a determination to live a sober life. I was convinced, after months dealing with their staff, that I was a seriously mentally ill person with a lifelong chemical dependency disorder.For 18 months I abstained from drinking but could barely get off the couch. I took one course at college my final semester and did little else. My fatigue was so severe that a comprehensive, multi-thousand-dollar workup was conducted at the Austin Heart Hospital. No medical problem was found.I struggled with cravings and relapsed in 2007. In 6 months I destroyed my life with impulsive behavior, namely drug and alcohol abuse with a helping hand from reckless spending. At the time, my daily regimen consisted of:Klonopin (3mg)Wellbutrin XL (300mg)Lexapro (10mg - 20mg)Zoloft (100mg)Ability (15mg)My Doctor referred me to a strict 12-step addiction rehabilitation center (Starlite Recovery Center), where there were no staff psychiatrists or psychologists, only a retired physician who spent mornings on site and a medical director with whom I had no contact. Starlite defines benzodiazepines as drugs of abuse without legitimate medical utility. I was taken off klonopin cold turkey via a 14 day phenobarbital taper.Things went very poorly for me subsequent to the hard stop of the klonopin. I developed the symptoms (severe anxiety, cognitive dysfunction, hypochondriasis, depression, tingling/loss of feeling in extremities) of a withdrawal syndrome. I lost the ability to concentrate; life was ‘empty‘; I became convinced I had nothing left to live for. My suffering was unbearable and, within a couple of months of my discharge from rehab, I decided to commit suicide. I tried to take my life on September 3, 2008.I was referred to the Menninger Psychiatric Clinic for treatment after the suicide attempt. I was a defeated man by this point. I simply did what they told me to do.My psychiatrist at Menninger abandoned all of my medications in favor of Effexor (225mg) and Risperdal (5mg). I was discharged after 40 days.On Risperdal and Effexor, the next year went poorly. I gained weight, was anxious, impulsive. The ongoing concentration issue did not improve. I quit two jobs without notice because I could not sustain my focus during the day. Basically, lengthy mental tasks were no longer possible for my brain.I had cravings. I smoked cigarettes heavily. I consumed 50-100 cans of Diet Dr. Pepper each week as well about 25 candy bars. Sometimes I used drugs and alcohol.After a year on Risperdal and Effexor, I concluded that the medications were not helping me. Nonetheless, I was terrified to stop taking them, having been bombarded for a decade with the message that I was a seriously mentally ill person and high-dose medication was (and would probably always be) necessary.I approached my Doctor about discontinuing. He felt this unwise, but I insisted. He reluctantly advised me to taper over six weeks and then we could evaluate what I looked like 'off the drugs'. I went more slowly than this, but within 10 weeks I was off Effexor and Risperdal. By February 2010 I was not any medication.Withdrawal was tough. Symptoms included insomnia, anxiety, lethargy, many others. One result was that the effects of stimulants such as caffeine were an order of magnitude greater than I’d ever known. I was also emotionally labile and sensitive to stress, especially conflict or images of violence.I carried on with these symptoms for three or four months. I felt that life was too much for me. My Doctor recommended reinstating Klonopin, and I agreed to try a benzo once more. This had a positive effect. Within a few weeks most of the withdrawal symptoms receded significantly.At this point, after more than a decade on meds, I became aware for the first time of alternative viewpoints and found the many internet forums home to others who had experienced problems similar to mine. I read Robert Whitaker’s book. I read Ashton’s manual on benzos and started to cross over to Valium to precipitate a reduction.While the reintro of a benzo helped with sleep and anxiety, several withdrawal symptoms did not diminish. One of these was my hypersensitivity. I had intense reactions to conflict, violent imagery, various foods, various supplements, caffeine, others. I also continued to struggle with cognitive dysfunction. At the suggestion of a nutritionist, I tried lecithin, an OTC supplement, to help with mental clarity. The first day I felt an immediate positive impact. When I took another dose on the following morning I had an adverse reaction. Within 20 minutes I was screaming at a service rep from my telephone service. I stepped outside and found the sunlight blinding. I developed a headache. As the day went on I became emotional and confused. The following day I awoke depleted. For the next two weeks I rested in bed. Headaches and photosensitivity lasted a couple of months. I am not entirely recovered from this episode as of yet.Though I had informed my Doctor of Heather Ashton’s manual and convinced him to begin a Valium crossover, in the fallout of the lecithin incident, it was decided that Valium should be reduced. Klonopin was increased to maintain equilibrium.At the start of 2011 I began to look for a job. I also decided that I would be best served by abandoning the attempt at a Valium crossover and returning to a single benzo (Klonopin 3mg) from which I could titrate very slowly. My Doctor reduced my Valium from 10mg to 5mg while increasing Klonopin by .25mg (to 2.75mg) for maintenance.However, this disturbed my sleep. I seemed to be becoming more sensitive to benzo changes. I was having trouble with insomnia yet still getting up to attend job interviews, often on an only two hours of sleep. I felt extremely stressed. Two events happened during this time that merit mention.One night I partially lost vision temporarily in my left eye -- this had happened once before but the first time it was in reaction to a Rx medication for erectile dysfunction. The vision returned. My opthamologist sent me for images and further eval but the only cause uncovered was a low blood pressure.The other event was a GI problem. I had been experiencing nausea after eating. This began a week or so after the change in my benzo mix. One night, being completely exhausted, I ordered some pizza. But it wouldn’t digest. I became bloated and, after a painful 10 hour ordeal, vomited up undigested pizza pieces. For days after, I did not eat solid food. I continue to have trouble eating sufficiently and often feel nauseous after meals. My abdominal pain is intermittent and I have not vomited but that one night.It has been a year since I stopped Effexor and Risperdal. There have been many challenges in the past 12 months. That said, the last year has been the best year of my life since I was a child in Boston.Perhaps the most profound reason for this has been the change in my impulsive cravings. I’ve lost 50 pounds. I no longer crave drugs, alcohol, soda, nicotine, candy bars. In fact, I do not consume any of those things and abstaining takes practically no effort. It’s been well over a year since I’ve used.I doubt that I ever had a true substance abuse disorder. I believe that my current psychiatrists essentially agree with me, though they probably believe my using was an act of self-medication to alleviate anxiety rather than iatrogenic.Unfortunately, even after re-starting the benzos, I am still unable to maintain focus and concentration for any length of time. If I try to ‘work,’ I start to experience burnout within an hour. It is difficult to express the level to which this is disabling. But I will try to provide an example.Within 30 minutes of starting to write something, a long email like this for example, I begin to lose the ability to think clearly. I unknowingly make mistakes. My vision blurs. I feel dizzy and disoriented. I feel overwhelmed by stimuli, a sort of confusion sets in. Comprehension requires re-reading because the words lose natural meaning -- that is I see the letters but they don’t instinctively signify anything. If I continue with the task, these symptoms become worse. But if I force myself, I can finish the email. Then I must reread to proof and find mistakes. This takes a long time as there tend to be lots of errors. I typically proof 4 or 5 times before my brain is simply too overwhelmed to read anymore. At that point, I feel an impulsivity within me. My brain is in revolt, and I must stop. It’s then that I press the send button and feel a sensation of reward. I am happy to be done.The next morning I awake with uncertainty about the clarity and quality of my message I sent. I pull up the email and am often discouraged. With fresh eyes I can see a few typos and usage errors that eluded even 4 or 5 proof-readings. This is hard to deal with. (It has taken many hours over several days to write this history, for example.)Furthermore, I remain hypersensitive since coming off Effexor. I am unable to handle life at times and, unfortunately, I occasionally have an unanticipated reaction to something I believed to be safe. This has happened with things like whey protein powder, vitamin/nutritional supplements, and even some foods such as certain seeds and nuts as well as sardines. These reactions are debilitating and sometimes knock me out of commission for a few days. I try my best to watch my consumption but I have had a problem, on average, once every couple of months. I rarely eat out, except at sandwhich shops, because of this.As a youth I was considered quite promising. For instance, I was recognized in high school by the National Merit Scholarship Corp for my exemplary score on the PSAT. My high school classmates, with whom I lost touch immediately following graduation, would be shocked at my absence of accomplishment.I would like your general opinion on this history and, if possible, any recommendations or referrals to individuals or resources which may advance my recovery.This has been a not-so-brief overview of my experience with Doctors and Drugs. This is, sadly, the abbreviated version. Many important events and episodes were omitted in the interest of keeping a reasonable length.Thank you for your patience.Signed,Alexejice

RE-Worded

 

Dear Dr. _blank_Here is a summary of my case. I tried to be as succinct as possible.I moved from Boston, MA to Austin, TX at age 10 when my dad got a good job at Dell which was then a small company. During the first three or four years in Texas, my mom handled all of the household work. My dad, at first, seemed busy at work, then he seemed to just not be around. He also made a lot of money from Dell stock options.In my freshman year of high school my father left our family which fragmented my sense of stability. I felt anxiety around my peers at high school. However, by my junior year, I found a niche among my high school classmates with whom I played sports and participated in journalism activities.When I went to live at college my anxiety reemerged. I felt anxious around strangers and avoided interacting with my classmates. My friend group consisted of friends from high school with whom I smoked pot and occasionally drank alcohol. I was thin.I reached out and made an appointment with a therapist who recommended I see a pscyhiatrist in the building for a Rx for antidepressants.I started to see a doctor in 1997 and tried antidepressants. I had a number of bad reactions from rash to 'mania' and changed drugs every few months.My doctor prescribed an intensive cocktail including neuroleptics and I developed insomnia, sexual dysfunction and gained 100 lbs.My doctor confessed to operating under the influence the drugs and went away to a rehab in 2001ish about after which he changed my drugs and eliminated several prescriptions and I got a good bit better, working and going to school full time and participating in a study abroad. I lost 40 pounds but continued to struggle to sleep. Also began drinking alcohol to excessIn 2004, I decided to stop taking my medication due to the side effects and my lack of faith in them. I tried a medical supervised rapid detox which caused neurological and GI symptoms and led to excessive drinking.

I slept irregularly and engaged in distressing and impulsive behavior. After six months or so, I entered an inpatient treatment center for help with drinking and mood disorder/though disorder.A psychologist diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder then later schizotypal PD and also anxiety, depression and chemical dependency.I left the rehab on a massive roll of psychiatric medications and tried to live a sober life. I struggled with cravings and relapsed in 2007. In 6 months I destroyed my life with impulsive behavior, namely drug and alcohol abuse with a helping hand from reckless spending. At the time, my daily regimen consisted of:Klonopin (3mg)Wellbutrin XL (300mg)Lexapro (10mg - 20mg)Zoloft (100mg)Ability (15mg)I re-entered a rehab and changed the drugs again after a quick benzo detox which left me with trembling and hands and compulsive movements.My suffering was unbearable and, within a couple of months of my discharge from rehab, I decided to commit suicide. I tried to take my life on September 3, 2008.I was referred to the psychiatric clinic for treatment after the suicide attempt. There I prescribed a different antipsychotic and a different antidepressant. I moved into a sober living house.

 

I had cravings. I smoked cigarettes heavily. I consumed 50-100 cans of Diet Dr. Pepper each week as well about 25 candy bars. Sometimes I used drugs and alcohol.After a year on Risperdal and Effexor, I concluded that the medications were not helping me. By February 2010 I was not any medication.After stopping the medication I struggled to sleep and to focus my mind and began to lose weight. I restarted on klonopin after 90 days on no medication. 

(to be continued...)

[alexjuice]

(cont'd)

I was not employed and accompanied my father out of state to help him recover from a surgery where I contracted an illness ccausing fever and exhaustion and flu-like symptoms. After returning home my illness got worse and I lost consciousness on occasion due to low blood pressure and I continued to lose weight after vomiting pizza.One night I lost vision temporarily in my left eye. No cause was found.

 

I struggled with chronic illness for a year though I was able to leave the house and drive a car etc. My condition worsened after I lost consciousness following a long bath. I lost more weight and became terrified that I had contracted a terrible disease.

 

I discovered mold in my bathtub in August 2012 and moved out with my mother. I experienced extreme disorientation and ongoing bowel symptoms. I could gain or no lose no weight though sensitivity to food and supplements was extreme.

 

I believe that mold exposure, infectious disease and side effects from psychiatric medication are in play in my case.

 

At present I am experiencing bone loss particularly in the hands/feet which I believe is due to malnutrition. I have hormonal deficiencies also I believe as a result of poor nutrition. I have autoimmune issues which I believe are primarily due to infection. I am experiencing heart pain. I no longer take benzos or any other psychiatric medication. I have no increased anxiety though my sleep is frequently interrupted by extreme heart beat.

 

I see now how the decisions to entrust my health to an authority figure was a mistake because I disregarded my own good sense to continue to take actions which I thought were harming my health. I wasn't sure what to believve all the time. In my heart I never really believed I was an alcoholic or had a psychotic condition. I realize now how many factors intertwined in my case and I accept the bad choices I have made. I look forward to living the remainder of my life without permission from any doctors and hope to marry and enjoy a career and family.

 

I know more about myself than ever and more about the world I inhabit. I am less afraid than ever before and have much to complain about despite my health struggles. I think I am very close to getting much much better and I look forward to reaching my considerable potential.

 

Thank you,

Alex

[Meimeiquest]

If that wasn't a heartbreaker, I don't know what is!  I hope you get the chance to be a wonderful dad some day.

[Skyler]

If that wasn't a heartbreaker, I don't know what is!  I hope you get the chance to be a wonderful dad some day.

 

Hi Meime.. I read Alex letter and could not figure out what to say... but calling it a heartbreaker is just right.  Alex, you have quite a way with a pen.  The letter is a masterful telling of your story. Thanks for sharing..

 

Skyler

[Sparrow]

Dearest Alex, how I admire the courage and fortitude it must have required to revisit, and put into such clear writing, your history. Thank you for sharing this.

 

Hugs to you,

Sparrow

[alexjuice]

Thanks Skyler, Meimeiquest & Sparrow. I am working on pith as my brain gets better. I think the reworded case history is substantially more succint and could even lose a few sentences. I do feel like my brain is working better than it has in many years, though my thinking is not at all clear, sadly. I think I am in very poor shape because of his experience and I feel like I am at the most important crossroads of my life. Maybe I can turn a corner soon??

 

Alexjuice

[Jason]

Hi Alexejuice (lol - just read that above),

 

Do you consider a lot of these problems that you suffer from as stemming from a "weak" nervous system due to bio-chemical changes as a result of so many psychotropic drugs? I am thinking that that's why I suffer so much. Looking back over the years, I really didn't begin a serious downward spiral until I quit Effexor (and subsequently changed to Prozac). I knew the Effexor had seriously, seriously changed my neurochemistry.

 

Just seeing if you would agree with this, or how much you place the blame on what you're going through on psych drugs. I honestly think it has A LOT to do with what you're going through, maybe even upwards of 90% (not saying mold isn't dangerous and cannot make you very sick, I for one know this, but it is almost as if this withdrawal experience COUPLED WITH mold exposure has magnified any mold symptoms that would have existed had we not been on years of many and at times high-doses of psychotropic medications, which I believe eventually .... "mess up" the CNS).

 

Jason

[alexjuice]

Hi Alexejuice (lol - just read that above),

 

Do you consider a lot of these problems that you suffer from as stemming from a "weak" nervous system due to bio-chemical changes as a result of so many psychotropic drugs? I am thinking that that's why I suffer so much. Looking back over the years, I really didn't begin a serious downward spiral until I quit Effexor (and subsequently changed to Prozac). I knew the Effexor had seriously, seriously changed my neurochemistry.

 

Just seeing if you would agree with this, or how much you place the blame on what you're going through on psych drugs. I honestly think it has A LOT to do with what you're going through, maybe even upwards of 90% (not saying mold isn't dangerous and cannot make you very sick, I for one know this, but it is almost as if this withdrawal experience COUPLED WITH mold exposure has magnified any mold symptoms that would have existed had we not been on years of many and at times high-doses of psychotropic medications, which I believe eventually .... "mess up" the CNS).

 

Jason

My intuition is that my immune system is the central issue. I suspect that a big part of my withdrawal issues were related to modulated immunity. I think the mold stuff is related to immune function as well. Obviously infectious problems are immune related. So I tend to think that toxicity and immune disorder are the two main prongs underlying my illness and I suspect this is the case for all mold patients and a majority of withdrawal sufferers as well.

 

I am cautious though about reaching any conclusions for others. I am attacking my issues with an approach based on rectifying toxicity and immune malfunction. I need to see how it works for me but I am more hopeful than ever before. I completey deserve to regain my health and wellness and I am going to do anything to achieve this.

 

Good luck.

[Jason]

 

Hi Alexejuice (lol - just read that above),

 

Do you consider a lot of these problems that you suffer from as stemming from a "weak" nervous system due to bio-chemical changes as a result of so many psychotropic drugs? I am thinking that that's why I suffer so much. Looking back over the years, I really didn't begin a serious downward spiral until I quit Effexor (and subsequently changed to Prozac). I knew the Effexor had seriously, seriously changed my neurochemistry.

 

Just seeing if you would agree with this, or how much you place the blame on what you're going through on psych drugs. I honestly think it has A LOT to do with what you're going through, maybe even upwards of 90% (not saying mold isn't dangerous and cannot make you very sick, I for one know this, but it is almost as if this withdrawal experience COUPLED WITH mold exposure has magnified any mold symptoms that would have existed had we not been on years of many and at times high-doses of psychotropic medications, which I believe eventually .... "mess up" the CNS).

 

Jason

My intuition is that my immune system is the central issue. I suspect that a big part of my withdrawal issues were related to modulated immunity. I think the mold stuff is related to immune function as well. Obviously infectious problems are immune related. So I tend to think that toxicity and immune disorder are the two main prongs underlying my illness and I suspect this is the case for all mold patients and a majority of withdrawal sufferers as well.

 

I am cautious though about reaching any conclusions for others. I am attacking my issues with an approach based on rectifying toxicity and immune malfunction. I need to see how it works for me but I am more hopeful than ever before. I completey deserve to regain my health and wellness and I am going to do anything to achieve this.

 

Good luck.

 

 

How long have you been off serotonergic agents now, Alex?

[alexjuice]

Last antidepressant Feb 2010. Last benzo in Sep 2013.

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

Sep was a horror show for diet. Last night ate some dark chocolate w/ almond butter plus other crap. Horrible fail! Don't have any will power, no dopamine thrust...

 

Great to be off of benzos... Am i getting worse b/c I am off benzos? Benzos affect parasitic infection? Ivermectin has helped and it's a GABA...

 

More hormonal problems and glandular atrophy. Really terrifying.

 

Returned from St Louis and taking the Rx for infection. Plan to return in 3 weeks. Dr wants to do IV chelation for heavy metals but I am feeling queasy about it... Losing more hair on my head.... Need to go extreme on body cleansing and without eating nuts, oatmeal cookies, dark chocolate, nut butters, whipped cream, fruits, rice and so on... Arms getting thinnger, fingers getting thinnger disoriented all the time... Is this it? When is the last chance??

 

Maybe I should look into optimum health cleaning??

[Altostrata]

Unless you actually have measurable heavy metal poisoning, I wouldn't do the chelation. It's very stressful on the body and (I believe) causes more nutrient depletion.

 

How about probiotics? Have they helped at all? They affect nutrient absorption and generate vitamins.

 

Hang in there, alex.

[Jason]

Last antidepressant Feb 2010. Last benzo in Sep 2013.

 

Have you ever had your B12 checked? I know at one point you tried it and had a bad reaction, but if it's low, you'll experience many of the symptoms you have, plus a host of others. Just a thought. Plus, I have learned that many who suffer mold exposure also have low levels of B12. Not sure what the correlation is, though.

 

Also, B12 is hard to get used to once the body has been depleted for a long time, which causes horrible start up symptoms. That may have been what your reaction was.

 

Jason

[alexjuice]

My b12 was good in August, a tad high actually but I supplement B's. I checked mine again because of your story...

 

I don't know the connection between mold and b12 either, at least not for sure. I suspect that it's b/c of big infections in the GI such as tapeworm, round worm which take hold after immune system compromise. Ochratoxin, for example, is massively immunotoxic. The psych drugs have immune effects as well, though the drugs are pretty complicated.

 

I am on a bit of an island with my opinions about psych meds, parasites and mold and so on.... I don't know if I am correct but if I get better, I'll let you know how I did it...

[Jason]

My b12 was good in August, a tad high actually but I supplement B's. I checked mine again because of your story...

 

I don't know the connection between mold and b12 either, at least not for sure. I suspect that it's b/c of big infections in the GI such as tapeworm, round worm which take hold after immune system compromise. Ochratoxin, for example, is massively immunotoxic. The psych drugs have immune effects as well, though the drugs are pretty complicated.

 

I am on a bit of an island with my opinions about psych meds, parasites and mold and so on.... I don't know if I am correct but if I get better, I'll let you know how I did it...

What's "a tad high"? There is no scientific proof of harmful effects from "high B12." Well... acne, that's about it. 

[Jason]

I also have theories about what's happening to me, but that's all they are - theories. Since I cannot get a medical professional to actually help me, it's all I have to go on. I see Dr. Gray on Feb. 18, though. It's so far from now. You're in Texas (?)... too bad Dr. Campbell in Spring doesn't still practice. He'd fix you right up, I'm sure.

[alexjuice]

On the outside of the range. I think the range was something like 300-1000 and my result was 1200 or so...

 

I am less convinced that there is a doctor who can fix me right up. If there is one I can't find him. It's me now.

 

Have you updated your thread, jason? Are you feeling improved??

[Jason]

On the outside of the range. I think the range was something like 300-1000 and my result was 1200 or so...

 

I am less convinced that there is a doctor who can fix me right up. If there is one I can't find him. It's me now.

 

Have you updated your thread, jason? Are you feeling improved??

1200 is a GREAT B12 level and don't let any doctor or lab test convince you otherwise! I'm consistently >2000 on lab tests because lab tests go no higher than 2000. 300 is an antiquated level and if you were at 300 you'd be sick, and few would treat you (sadly). 550 is what I consider lowest-acceptable (it's what the Japanese use).

 

Don't you see a mold doctor? Some Dr. Smiley (who I am convinced is some made up name)? What do you do for treatment?

 

I feel bad. I keep losing weight. Foods bring on mold symptoms. It's how I can tell something is living inside of me. It's awful. No, I haven't updated my thread because I don't really know what to say, lol. 

 

Oddly enough, despite my destroyed nervous system and this mold thing, I'm as healthy as a horse. Good vitamin levels, excellent blood work, usually normal blood pressure (sometimes it's low, and then all they do is say to me, "gee, that's low" but do nothing about it... sigh, doctors). I am 31 but keep getting told I look much younger. But nope, I am not well! Serotonin out of control, god knows what's wrong with the nervous system, and totally am carrying some parasitic-like infection that has got to be fungal. I get severe anaphylaxis episodes upon entering moldy environments. Do you get these, too? Oh! I am also convinced my immune system is in uproar. It's too sensitive. It happens to those exposed to mold. I'm sure it's what's happening to you, too.

[alexjuice]

I do see a doctor, Smiley.  I have see her once or twice since I got back from Maine but have no further appointments scheduled. Treatment is pretty individual so it's a lot of trial and error. I am concerned because she, like most of the mold doctors, seems to have never recovered from her own mold exposure. In light of her memory and cognitive issues I am not sure what else she can do for me...

 

Treatment basics:

Special diet to avoid problem foods, tons of foods are intolerable as you likely experience too.

Binders. These help a bit but I am very poorly nourished and have had to back off lately

Sauna: I haven't done enough sauna treatment but she recommends it and I hope to do more

Detox: Glutathione, ALA, coffee enema and so on

 

I also went to see a parasite doctor who found parasites in small intestine and in my gallbladder. My immune system is very weak, I've been monitering T-cells to track this with blood testing. I have the immune function of an HIV+ patient at last check, which is about 50% of a strong one.

 

I am STRUGGLING to eat right... I will eat well for a few days, not perfect for what I need though... But then I give in and binge and I feel so bad for days. Also I can feel worms stretching out my intestines so I am totally infested which is so gross...

 

The idea for me is to get this all out and then rebuild the immune system before I die. I'll say a prayer for you Jason. Hang in there.

[Jason]

I do see a doctor, Smiley.  I have see her once or twice since I got back from Maine but have no further appointments scheduled. Treatment is pretty individual so it's a lot of trial and error. I am concerned because she, like most of the mold doctors, seems to have never recovered from her own mold exposure. In light of her memory and cognitive issues I am not sure what else she can do for me...

 

Treatment basics:

Special diet to avoid problem foods, tons of foods are intolerable as you likely experience too.

Binders. These help a bit but I am very poorly nourished and have had to back off lately

Sauna: I haven't done enough sauna treatment but she recommends it and I hope to do more

Detox: Glutathione, ALA, coffee enema and so on

 

I also went to see a parasite doctor who found parasites in small intestine and in my gallbladder. My immune system is very weak, I've been monitering T-cells to track this with blood testing. I have the immune function of an HIV+ patient at last check, which is about 50% of a strong one.

 

I am STRUGGLING to eat right... I will eat well for a few days, not perfect for what I need though... But then I give in and binge and I feel so bad for days. Also I can feel worms stretching out my intestines so I am totally infested which is so gross...

 

The idea for me is to get this all out and then rebuild the immune system before I die. I'll say a prayer for you Jason. Hang in there.

 

Your mold doctor was infected herself? And she can't get rid of it... hmmmm. Can you see a better one? Or, is mold going to be with us "forever" (which I DON'T believe). 

 

I'm so sorry about your immune system. Yours sounds opposite of mine. Mine's in a hyper-reactive state. At least I am assuming. No tests of course. 

 

Doctors are allover just pretty useless I am finding. I have faith in Gray, though. He's changed lives from what I've read. And he appears SMART. What I wouldn't give to see a smart person with regards to anything in life anymore (yes, I am quite a b----). 

 

I will send prayers to you, too. You will not die. I know how you feel, though. I have a few foods I can eat and I eat a lot of them - still seems to not help but what else am I supposed to do? Can you exercise at all? I can only do about 50 push ups (my arms are severely wasting away for whatever reason - I have theories on this, too!). But I notice I feel "less moldy" after doing them and I feel "happier." I'm sure it has to do with endorphins or neurotransmitters or hormones or something. I don't know. So I'll do my 50 wimpy pushups every morning to get better. Did you watch that video about the Italian woman who overcame her fibromyalgia induced by mold? Pretty amazing!

 

Oh, and I meet HIV positive people (I am a gay man, lol) and I feel they all look healthier than me.

 

Jason

[alexjuice]

Yes I know what you mean about the doctors. I generally think doctors are operating from the incorrect assumptions and can't really help me to recover. I am working on detoxing my body and restoring my immune system but to get better I must abstain entirely from chocolate and nuts and fats and grains and really do a veggie or juice diet for a while. I don't even know if that will work but the more I eat the more weight I lose and I am losing my bones and fingers and toes and spine... I am also going to try some IV nutrition like  a Myers cocktail... Thanks for the prayers. I think I can recover and you can too but of course I really make to happen not just think it's possible. Stay true to yourself, Jason.

[alexjuice]

Suspecting part of my infectious problem is tapeworm which is a lot more common a problem than I ever realized... not the only parasite I have... infection on weakened immune and a victimhood disease...

 

 

full healing can occur when body, mind and spirit are in harmony....louise hay suggests that the sponsoring emotion behind parasitic infection is strong feelings of victimhood...being used to one's detriment...and feelings of unworthiness.so i'd encourage emotional clearing work for those clients who were open to it.

 

take ownership of the heath challenge and accept responsibility!

 

Also liver flukes, gallbladder, prostate, heart.  Dumping ammonia, pulling alkaline chemicals from the bone! Combat ammonia toxicity w/ myaminoplex and manganese supplemets... charcoal/bentonine, zymex2 (3am/3pm empty stomach), ND-gallbladder, ND-Max B, a Drenal (3am), melatonin, d3. Eat pomegranite, carrot, onion, brassica/high sulfur veggies (cooked), cayenne extract... rebuild immune...

[Altostrata]

Can't tapeworm be conclusively identified by a test??

[Meimeiquest]

Alex, I'm worried about you. Back in the 80's, I worked in a hospital I West Africa for a couple of years. I worked with many patients with various types of parasites (I watched a bit of the process of a tapeworm crawling out of someone's throat...but I was very busy as the only nurse in a 70 bed hospital and just left the doctor a note). One man came carrying his scrotum in a wheelbarrow from elephantiasis. But the fragile patients were the toddlers (toddlers by age only, they were little bags of bones who weren't doing any walking) who had been decimated by "brutal weaning"...they would have gone straight to ICU if they appeared in a western ER. They usually had malaria, TB, and guts full of bugs. But as fragile as they were, I don't know of any who couldn't tolerate conventional drugs for parasites.

 

I really understand being cautious about conventional meds when you aren't sure what is going on with your body. I treated giardiasis (got it from my daughter who came from an orphanage where it was endemic) myself once with wormwood and black walnut because I was as tired as when I had hepatitis in Africa and I didn't want to take flagyl in case I had a liver problem. But it was all done in a month (flagyl would have been about a week).

 

Anyway, I would be very careful about continuing a treatment that goes on and on without progress when there are conventional options available. And another lesson from Africa...you really can die if you don't absorb enough nutrients....even if you're a healthy young man who just doesn't eat enough protein after suffering moderate burns.

 

Your nagging Meimei

[alexjuice]

Can't tapeworm be conclusively identified by a test??

ID hard w/ a stool test. My tests come back positive but w/out an ID as to pathogen, may not be tapeworm. My intestines rock/roll with every dose of ivermectin, tinizadole and pyrantel pamoate so whatever is there, it doesn't like those drugs... It's very gross and scary even to feel this inside my body...

[alexjuice]

Meime,

 

Thats terrifying, goodness...

 

I am taking drugs for parasite infection and I am hopeful I will recover but I've had some terrible days. I don't know what to eat though I am eating as much as I can... I am sick most probably bc of all the psychiatric medication that is the biggest thing. I think those drugs contributed tons of toxicity and emotional toxicity too.

 

I am grateful that this ordeal is at the turning point.

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

 

I am doing ok, very up and down and often disoriented. I have seen a QRA practitioner here in Texas who has recommended supplements for parasites and also recovery from psych meds... I am doing the parasite stuff right now but will update any progress...

 

I am sleeping terribly. A few hours here and there, sometimes totally off w/ no regard to day/night and I believe this sleep schedule is a sign of and hurting my recovery.

 

I pretty much failed at eating a vegetarian diet. In talking it over, I decided that I did best on a basic whole food diet that was just meat and vegetables and a few spices and herbs. I struggle w/ cravings for fat and sugar and also nutrient dense foods that aren't necessarily 'bad' foods like eggs, nuts and dark chocolate. I am well undernourished. I wonder what I weigh? I think I am carrying parasite pounds because I haven't lost that much weight through all of this, maybe 10 pounds or so... and I very thin...

 

Getting more blood work, tomorrow I hope to see hormone progress and immune function

 

I think I can get well now because I am finally off the psych drugs. There was no way for me to get well on benzos, I believe.

[alexjuice]

Finished Rnd 1 of drugs. No drugs tonight in my system, yay! Bones killing me, toes painful and bone grinding, shaped Z-like... Trying to eat vegetables and meat, pretty good today though hand a few handfuls of leftover coco flakes... Jumped out of bed having nightmare and fell on concrete and smashed my hip. I am lucky the neighbors didn't call the ambulance, terrifying...

 

Going to contrinue w/ some supplements for bone loss and recovery and also treat the parasite. But, more than taking supplements I need to TAKE THINGS OUT. I think I have Lyme, liver flukes, intestinal worms, and all of this because of extreme toxicity caused by psychiatric medication and secondarily mold exposure and also feeling helpless, giving up and generally being acted upon.

 

To fix:

DETOX protocol... Colon cleanse, liver cleanse, sauna, enema and so on... EAT RIGHT... Sun, walk and practice Letting Go. I unchoose my choices that brought me to this point and i have a terrific chance to reverse my condition. No matter what I have nothing to worry about. Forgiveness and acceptance. Life is beautiful!

 

Hope you guys are feeling okay tonight...

[alexjuice]

UPDATE:

Follow up w. parasite doc. Options for heavy metal chelation -- not now -- and dentist -- also not now...

 

Back on parasite drugs, rnd 2...

 

Phytates in nuts, chocolate and coconut contributing to bone demineralization... maybe? worth a shot...

 

Contiuning to try to eat well... not getting nourishes, not digesting...

 

I think mold detoxing from my gallbladder since stopping benzos and this contributing to joint damage...

 

Sleeping a bit better -- still not good -- and feeling a bit better -- still not good -- after adjusting mineral supps to improve oxidation and nourishment...

 

Sister coming out to visit with the baby... Look forward to meeting my nephew... Feel nervous like the rug is going to fall out from underneath...

 

When I get home going to make really rich soup to try to heal with ragged intestine...

[Altostrata]

Loving thoughts for you, alex. You will beat this.

[alex]

Alex, I just read your story;wow!! it is amazing....

Let me tell you that you are an extraordinary brave human being, and you deserve to be well, and that you will; better than ever, after this terrible ordeal.

I never thought I'd be in contact with so many anonymous heroes.

I am in a nasty emotional wave, but doing fine physically...for now.

 

Hugs,A.

[alexjuice]

Thanks Alto... I really needed to hear that...

Hey Alex... Thanks so much. Love and healing to you my brother...

 

UPDATE:

Back home after a visit to the doctor in St Louis. I am determined to stop the bone loss and joint pain. I am going to try the GAPS diet protocol to help w/ healing intestinal lining. I am not sure, leaning towards no, about detox baths because I am too depleted minerally.

 

Got a hair analysis back. I feel good about this hair analysis and have been taking the Rx minerals for 3 days and feel noticeable better but I need to see a little more...

 

I have eaten like **** since I went to maine in July. I need to eat to perfection for a month or two and I may be able to arrest many of my issues. I think testicular atrophy is due to autoimmune disease. Same for bone loss -- possibly. Nutshell: Toxicity syndrome from years psych drugs, compounded w/ mycotoxin exposure, overgrowth of pathogens primarily in sm intestine causing severe sm bowel permeability... I can not eat eggs, dairy, gluten, any grains, raw food, any thing from a restaurant...

 

I want to cook my own meals entirely for a month... I have weakened fingers and I don't know if I can cook enough my mom can help me if I can't... The only problem is that I can not seem to break the addictive cycle of cheating. I don't cheat in big ways but I end up binging so the damage is the same. Also the high phytate cheat foods which I started on the alt-diet like nuts and coconut flakes and gluten free oat bar but primarily nut butters which I can eat $5 easily in one sitting... THESE HAVE TO GO... They are high in acids that further prevent me from getting needed minerals...

 

My GAPS plan is lots of soups, rich delicious broth (sounds so good and healing) and lots of butternut, beets, acorn and winter squashs, and carrots for carbs -- I need to keep a carb base of 60-75g or so based on past failures... no fruit no nuts/butters no eggs (yet) no dairy (yet)... Other foods I can not tolerate: green beans, garlic, tomato, peppers...

 

After 30 days on GAPS I will have healed a lot of gut problems, I hope. I do have 2 more weeks of drugs to take so that may hinder gut healing...

 

Basic plan:

 

Homeopathic allergy treatment 20 x 4 a day

Sauna treatment once I can sweat again

3 quart spring water a day

GAPS diet from Intro -- low phytate

Sleep -- Gotta increase to atleast 7-8hrs

Endomet mineral supps based on Hair Analysis

 

Fingers crossed to find the strength to stick w/ a flawless hypoallergenic diet for 30 days...

[Karma]

We are rooting for you, Alex 

Karma

[Meimeiquest]

So hard, Alex, but you are forging a path others will follow. There's a small Army rooting for you here at SAD.

[Barbarannamated]

Add me to that list! Always sending healing thoughts and much love, Alex.